Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

That happens to me a lot Lavie... timing out before I post. Surprise surprise given how long I can ramble. Not! Lol. Now if I think I might time out I will copy my message for added security but usually there is a message telling me to refresh the page and sign in again. When I do it takes me right back to my post with everything still there and I click send. Sometimes I will compose a post in MSWord and then cut and paste it here. Another thing I do is copy and save as I go along so if something does happen mid way through I can just paste it again.

I had a very therapeutic visit to the river this afternoon. I wasn't sure I was going to go that far but I was at least going to make it the mail box at the end of the block. I was feeling okay when I got to the mailbox so I decided to head in the direction of the river to continue my walk.

On the walk to the mailbox I was progressively able to stay in the moment by observing what was around me. Of course I was seeing faces and shapes in the piles of snow so that was fun. I saw a tunnel through a snow pile some kids had dug out and it reminded me of my childhood. It made me smile. I looked up at my power rocks and gazed upon the images revealing themselves. I acknowledged them and thanked them for sharing my walk with me.

I made the mistake of opening a piece of mail that turned out to be upsetting. As I continued walking while reading the letter my anxiety started to escalate again to the point of crying under the stress. I told myself that this was not the time to be reading my mail. I was walking to reduce anxiety not trigger it. I stuffed the letter into my pocket and determined to work my way back into mindlessness.

I noticed I had dropped a glove. I looked around and saw it on the road. I turned back to go get it. I noticed when I got there that it was pretty much at the exact spot where I started reading the letter. It was like I was being led back to the place where I had cut off my mindlessness; like I was given a do-over. I proceeded to do just that.

Resuming my walk the anxiety still dogged me with thoughts about that letter. I fought hard to keep back the tears and to find my way back to my breath. I noticed how the fighting was working against me. The strain of the fight just ramped up the anxiety. I had thought I was doing it, like I always would try to control it spinning out of control. Then I remembered some of the teachings shared here and from my recent readings and instead of fighting the anxiety I choice to name it, to take a deep breath and let myself to feel it, to dis-empower it and to then release it and free myself of its grip.

I continued down the road still feeling the pangs of anxiety but less since I had named it. It was surprising to me that just by naming it I felt lighter, more detached from it and I was able to breathe again. As I inhaled I said, 'freedom in, and as I exhaled I said, 'anxiety out'. I repeated this until I began to feel less bound and was able to return to observing and taking in all that was around me.

As I got closer to the river I imagined how pretty it was going to be with all the snow capping the rocks and resting on the branches of the trees. As I got closer I was disappointed to see the pathway down blocked by a pile of snow. What is up with these piles of snow always blocking me in or blocking me out, I thought. The anxiety rose. I scaled over the pile to discover that the path down was not really passable. It’s tricky at the best of times let alone covered in snow.

I stood overlooking the river above on a small clearing and took in the sights. Of course I saw a mask in one direction and an animal shape in another and still another over there. I greeted each of them. I then felt a need to pray.

I cried deeply as I prayed. At first I tried to fight the tears. It was such habit to resist the crying; to try to take a deep breath and try to stuff it; to control it; to prevent a downward spiral.

I can't remember the last time I let myself cry like that. I had become afraid to cry because it seemed to just increase the anxiety. I needed to fight harder to keep it under control. This was different. This cry brought healing and freedom. I was able to lay down my fears; my worries; everything that had me tied up with a sense of doom. It was all very intense. I cried like a little baby with ever part of my being engaged. Once I had gone full circle with my prayers my crying began to subside. I stayed on the bank of the river to rest in mindlessness; to observe the gifts of Creator’s beauty all around me.

Still quite tender and emotionally fragile and not ready yet to go, I was reminded of what of what Lavie had shared with us about singing. It had been a long time since I sang with the river. I sang for a while; one song after the other. While singing I noticed how I was breathing. I would inhale deeply from my belly and exhale with song until there was no breath to sing with before I would inhale again. As I sang the songs become more joyous. They became lighter. I was being lifted as though by magic. I had no tobacco to offer so before I turned to leave I offered words of thanks to Creator, the ancestors, the gifts of the natural world and the universe.

When I felt I was done and it was time to head home within a few steps I notice a bounce in my step. On my way to the river my boots felt like lead and every step was a chore. I even started to skip down the road. I felt free like a child might feel with not a care in the world interfering with their fun. Walking in the direction of my power rocks I immediately connected with a face of a lion. I had noticed it while praying in the direction of the cliff. It wasn’t long before I spotted other faces, human and animal. I came upon what looked like a smiling Buddha. He made me smile. Other humorous images started to pop out at me. I heard myself talking to them. Acknowledging them and thanking them for revealing themselves to me. Each time I would notice an new image I heard myself say, 'Well look at you aren't you clever, hiding in there.' Then I would laugh.

It soon struck me that anytime I turn to the rocks for strength and guidance I see images that match my need. Today I needed to laugh and play so those were the images that visited me.

I came home with a dance in my step and a song in my heart. It was like night and day between where I was at when I left and where I was when I returned home. The lightness and the freedom stuck with me for the rest of the day. I am tired now, but a good tired. A peaceful tired. I am grateful for the lesson I learned today. I am grateful for the gifts of healing that were showed upon me. I feel so much lighter.

I hope my story encourages others to keep the hope alive.

I hope you begin to feel better soon Sun. I pray your heavy heart finds peace.

I know what you mean about judging your progress. We seldom can see when we are makinig gains. I wonder sometimes if I am afraid to because I sense the gains are fleeting and it is only a matter of time before I am back at square one. My doctor commented that I was doing much better then when I first came to him a couple of months ago. I found myself resisting his observation. Correcting his assumptions. I left just thinking he really has no clue. I was afraid whatever he say as an improvement was fleeting; just a pause in the drama that is my life.

I can appreciate how frustrating it is to search of remedies with no real return on your investment of time and money. I am sorry the homeopathic options haven't been working very well for you. I hope your appointment goes well on Friday. I am glad at least that your headaches have eased up. That is something positive to be greatful for.

I hope for you that the symptoms you are coping with ease off so you can get some rest. May you find the peace you need, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I agree that sense of hopeless is pretty aweful. It zaps you of all your energy and depletes you of all your resources to find hope again. You are not unfixible though it seems that way right now. It is where we land when we are battle weary. It gets better. I have to believe that.

5 minutes is 5 minutes Sun. It is 5 minutes more then nothing. lol. I am glad you are going to persevere with meditation and that you have been so bless by what you are learning on this journey. I feel the same way.

Just having stuck with it this long is major progress for me. Being able to apply it across the board in my life has been a wonderful gift. I think I am hooked.

Wishing everyone peace and joy and all that you may crave in your heart. Borrowing from Lavie.... 'onward spiritual warriors.'

Blessings.

((((((lavie))))))) ((((((sunset))))))) (((((sun)))))))

Wishing you wellness my friends.

Laviee, I have to turn away so often when I see things on TV where there is cruely to animals. I turn off the sound. I look away. I cannot see it. I am so sorry that you got triggered by seeing something. I understand Pema's teachings about being with something so we can move through it. But I cannot stay in that moment of witnessing something horrible. Even a photo. Perhaps I should. I am sorry that you are expereincing the challenge of the anniversary of the loss of someone who is dear to you. Loss is something I struggle with. You wrote about music in your head. I find this interesting. I wonder if this is a gift. Sometimes gifts that we do not know how to control or handle can drive us batty.
Safe hugs for you and I agree with sundog, please do not apoligize for venting. Being able to do that here is what makes this thread attractive to me. Challenge and inspiration.

SS I wrote a very long thing in response to many things you wrote. So here it is. Warning, it is veryyyy long. And also, I think I was reading an earlier page. So I do not think I was responding to current posts. However I just spent 20 inutes writing it. So it shall not be deleted by me :
SS I didnt see Sonya Choquette in person. I subscribe to several free teleseminar groups. They are not really groups. I do not know what they are. But there are different people who do free teleseminars. You call in and listen. Or you can tune in on the internet and even ask a question. The host who is doing the interview will read the question, if yours is chosen. otherwise you just listen to the speaker. They have had many amazing speakers.

Thank you for telling me how you monitor your avoiding tendencies. I am very inpressed ( I know you did not mean to sound impressive. But to me, you are )

You wrote about someone at Pema's website talking about sitting in a chair as an option. I have long held the belief that as souls we gravitate to that which we are familiar with from previous incarnations. Often that very thing feels so comfortable. Sitting on the floor does not bring me any comfort at all. While sitting in a chair does. I think also about some people who have physical limitations which exclude sitting on the floor. For me it was a conflict to sit in a chair when I was doing the Zen Buddhist model. But then I found another model that actually teaches how to make the most of sitting in a chair.

You addressed the "why" of not loving oneself as we would love another. For me, it is simply one of the things I came to heal in this lifetime. Seperation from myself as divine. Self blame. Self condemnation. Thinking I am less than others. I believe that I came in this way, as a soul. I believe I chose parents and early situations to augment this situation. In doing that, I could have more of an opportunity to recreate it and finally, hopefully heal this wound I carry on a soul level. Its just what I believe. So how do I heal it? I do not think that getting validation from without does any good. Perhaps the most important components of healing this is what we each are already striving for? To meditate. I ask Divine for healing. I do not know how to love myself as I love others. I can see the light and beautiful heart in others. But not in myself. People for decades have said " why can you help others but not yourself?" my answer is simple. I love them. After having said this, I also want to say that I believe this time is a great opportunity for so many people on earth to heal tremendous amounts of imbalance. How can this possibly be healed if it is not present and prominent to be seen? I personally think that what we see in ourselves that we wish to heal, is there so we can have the option to heal it at this time. Whew, I hope that was not too much to say here.

Singing. Ahhh i am sorry that you had this expereince in the 4th grade that caused you to not sing as freely as you could. Maybe all of life is a song. Maybe everything is vibration, as is music and color. I hope you will sing the songs of whatever you are feeling or whereever you want to be in a moment. I used to be a pianist. I had an amazing teacher. He once told me he would listen to music two different ways. one was to match where he was. the other was to move to where he wanted to be. I hope you will sing. sing. sing !!!!!

Yesterday, because of this thread, I spent more time in the moment. Just snippets of time. In the moment, breathing in and out. But what was monumental yesterday is that I finally was able to manage the panic attacks. I felt them coming on and did the breathing. I think I read about it in this thread, although I am not positive. Just do the breathing through the beginning of the attack. And poof it never becomes full blown. I think the adrenaline just never fully surges. So there !!! I did that two or three times yesterday and averted each panic attack before it became full blown.

I will be honest with you, I have not yet wrangled myself to sit. I want to. But for me, there is an odd thing I have never figured out. I am not good at doing things alone. Perhaps its the child in me. I always need someone doing things with me. I am not proud of this. And I do not admit it. But there it is. I once was able to sit 30 minutes a day three times a day ( total 1 1/2 hours a day) because a naturopath told me that an archangel whom I love very much said if I did that he would help with the digestive system problem which is quite extreme. I think she said I was to do it for three weeks. I did it. I must say it was amazing to feel all that light. But then I stopped.

Sundog, you wrote about not seeing any improvement in yourself. I want to share somethig with you. It is something I have noticed over the years. often during those times when people do not see any improvement in themselves, or whatever their endevor is, it is because they are in transition. I call it the vacume. And the new is closer than one would think. I first noticed this when I was learning music. I would think I had lost all progress. But in fact, I had just lost sight of where I was because I was in that vacume. It always is a frightning and awful place to be. But it is followed by a new level. I want to offer to you that this may be where you are headed. Especially because I know you have started a new healing path.

I do wish I was making more progress. And its easy for me to give other peope hope, comfort and validation. However it is more than challenging for me to give that to myself. Fortunatly there is someone who once a month can do that for me.

Walking back through the darkness is often the only way to get to the light. what strong warriers are those who do this profoundly challenging walk !! Thank you all.

Hello friends!

I loved hearing about your walk to the river ((((((ss)))))) Especially the part where you went back to retrieve your glove, which in turn gave you a chance to re-connect with the state of mindfulness you had experienced before opening the letter. And I'm really glad that you found it so healing to cry and came back from your walk with joy in your heart

It's great also that you noticed your anxiety decreasing once you labeled it. I have read that labeling strong emotions really does change something in our brain and makes us less reactive. I believe this is because the simple act of labeling creates some distance.

Thanks so much for wishing me peace. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. And again I want to say how much I appreciate this thread and everyone who contributes.

What you say here is very true for me too:

I also have some kind of weird superstitious belief that if I start saying I feel better I will somehow "jinx" myself and immediately relapse. This is yet another reason why I need to work more on being in the moment, instead of worrying about what might happen next......

Last night I practiced some lovingkindness meditation and silently repeated some of the metta mantras. I need to cultivate more compassion for myself and this feels like a lovely way of doing just that. I came upon a quote by the Dalai Lama which reminds me how important it is for me to stop beating myself up:

This is so true for me.

Love to all

I am sorry for your grief Lavie and for your present stugglings. I truely feel for you. If you don't mind I would like to share something with you that was life altering for me.

I lost my mother 30 years ago this April and not a day goes by that I don't miss her physical presence in my life. But over the years the grieving for my loss has turned to celebrating her life, her gifts and most of all the gift of loving her she left in my heart forever.

For the first 10 years, when the calendar turned to April I would started to sink into major depression. It would last through to July. In that time I had to deal with my birthday, mother's day and father's day (I was estranged from my father and still carrying a lot of pain because of it). It was very painful and if anything the depression was more intense as each year came and went.

I met my partner the year of my mum's tenth year gone from this world. When April rolled around and the signs of depression started up he suggested I needed to do what in his culture is called a 'Feast for the dead'. He was concerned I was holding on to her too tightly and that my grief was preventing her from crossing over into the spirit world.

He consulted a spiritual teacher from his territory and together we prepared a feast at the spot where her ashes had been spread. When we finished the ceremony and prayers I was given a vision of her being set free. I saw a cloud in the shape of a women dancing across the sky and I knew it was her being released. The joy that filled me caused me to dance with her and to finally say goodbye.

The next year rolled around and while I was expecting the depession to hit, it never did. I too had been set free for the bonds of grieve.

For the last 20 years on her birthday I have prepared a small feast for her at home. I cook one of her favourite meals and while we eat I share storied with my son about his grandmother. It is a beautiful way to keep her memory alive and to pass the stories of her life on to the next generation.

Because this April will be the 30th anniversary of her passing over I am planning for a large family feast on the land of her birth, where her ashes were spread and where several family members still live. I am looking forward to sharing this special time with my family in celebration of her life. The stories will be wonderful.

I have suggested feasting in celebration of lost loved ones to other people and those who have tried it have experienced, like me, a great healing and a beautiful sense of freedom. When I began to understand how my grief had held her back and when I had experienced her release, I also understood the importance of celebration. Celebration of her life and thanksgiving for her gifts. She is always present and free.

I hope your grief passes and transforms and that you are comforted by the momories of the times you shared. You are blessed to have loved. May you feel the blessings and may it lift you up and bring you peace.

Well looky there Sun... my smiling Buddha. How can you not smile back and experience the joy of laughter. Thanks for sharing it. I always enjoy spending time with the pics you post for us here.

Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself. I love that. I wait eagerly for spring so I can actually see the grass again. lol. Being less literal about it I appreciate the lesson that in the quiet of mindlessness new life, new hope and new promise is given to us freely, naturally without us having to do anything to work for it or earn it. It is freely given because we sit to receive.

((((sunset)))))... why is it always type sunrise.... awe it is the last half of your name. Forgive me if now and then I flip them around. Thank you so much for the longgg post. Not only for the beauty of the content but for easy my 'guilt' and perhaps even a dose of shame and embarrassment for letting myself ramble so long all the time. You helped me abandon those distructive ideas. Thank you for that gift today.

There is much I want to offer back but I need to feed my boy. I tried to convince him it was his turn but so far he isn't buying it so I guess I will give in. Geesh.

I hope to come back later once tummies are filled.

Wishing you well.

SS I am deeply sorry that your mom left so long ago. It must have been very difficult for you. The story you told about letting go means a lot to read. Thank you for sharing it. I so agree with your partner. He sounds very, very wise.
I think I more completely let go of my father somewhat by accident. 28 years after he passed I was trying to clear out my home of old things that are no longer of use to me. I came across something I bought for a dollar. I did not realize at the time that it was a memorial candle. I just bought the candle because it was only a dollar. I kept it in my home collecting dust for many years. When I was trying to clear things from my home, a purge if you will, I came across the candle and decided I had been foolish to have saved it for all this time.
I decided to light and dedicate it to the person whose had passed and whose day and month of birth was closest to the current date. I thought for a moment about what the date was. I then realized it was the anniversary of my fathers birthday. I lit the candle in the name of great love for him. Knowing he was doing well where he was.

And, yes, your boy's hungry tummy surely does come first !!!!!

((((((SS, Sunset, Sundog)))))), I so appreciate your sentiments so artfully expressed. My reading is slow, and trying to organize my thoughts is like "herding cats", as they say. I want to respond to what I've read and was so moved by, but wanted to send along a quicker "thank you" first. It was a very difficult day, a lot of tears, but I'm calmer now. Two anniversaries of loss, one day after the next is a lot, but I look forward to increasing light. About meditating in chairs, a teacher told us that "enlightenment can be found in chairs" too.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((lavie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bless your heart ((((((((( laviee ))))))))))

YUK!! I am just starting to feel a little better after having been hit straight on by a sneak attack. I know sun we have credited a few symptoms the last little while as ‘the worst’ but today my vote goes to mixed episodes.

Cooking dinner, even though rather quick and easy took a toll on me. I starting to recent my son for not being willing to fix the easy dinner I had planned. It was his first day off crutches and he was starting to put weight on his leg so was reasonable to ask him to make the effort. I thought it was a good opportunity to make up for the last couple of weeks of getting out of chores. Including the endless shovelling I did on my own. But no, he needed to rest his leg.

At one point he came into the kitchen and asked if I was mad and I said more disappointed. I told him I was feeling taken advantage of and my needs being ignored. I was tired of carry the full load and would have appreciated if he had made the effort to pitch in. I pretty much just shut him out after that before I went over the deep end and said something hurtful that I would regret. I made it through cooking but felt too nauseous to eat so I just went to my room to rest while he ate his dinner in front of the tv.

I tried to just breath and settle myself down. It wasn’t working. It was a battle to control the tears that always are there when the anxiety gets a grip. As tired as I was I noticed that I was out of cigarettes (yes I smoke.... I know... my bad) and that meant I was going to have to walk the couple of blocks to the corner store. The anxious tears welled up even more, and the knots in my stomach tightened its grip even tighter at the thought of dragging myself to the store.

On the way back the rain started to come down in buckets. I love the rain and even more when it is raining really hard. I like how it sounds hitting on my shoulders and I like how it feels on my face. I like to watch it coming down and being blown by the wind. I decided a walk in the rain would give me a change to enter into mindlessness for a while and shake off the anxiety.

It was not easy. I had to fight off the urges not to want to go there. I felt a need to let the anxiety explode. I wanted the release. The awareness of that caught me by surprise. The urge to let it out just grew as did my resistance to seeking mindlessness. I wanted the rage.
Since we started this journey I have increasingly been able to maintain a level of mindlessness, and to take moments to attend to my breath at the slightest hint of anxiety. This time I didn’t want the mindlessness I wanted to explode. I wanted an instant release. I didn’t want to walk through it I wanted to get smack in the middle of it. I was angry at how meditation and mindlessness was getting in the way of that.

Nevertheless I continued my walk and started to focus on my breath and to observe the environment. I searched for faces in the shadows but none would come to comfort me. A zillion thoughts kept interfering. Acknowledge, observe, walk through it. I was feeling more grounded by the time I arrived home but still a cloud hung over me.

I returned to my sanctuary to lose myself in tv for a while but it was too stimulating so I just turned it off and sat back to rest. I ended up meditating, focusing on my breath for a good 15 minutes. It is interested how lately that when I feel ready to stop and I look at the clock it has repeatedly been exactly 15 minutes. I am feeling much better now though still tired. Maybe I will be able to get to bed early tonight though I am already feeling that 10pm shot of energy coming on. What is up with that anyways? geesh

Believe it or not I have tried to keep this short. I have deleted thousands of words and I am still left with too many. I just want to close by asking a few questions to see of any of you have experienced some of the same things as I do.

For one, I remember Sun you saying that you never cry. That surprised me. When my anxiety is rising the tears are quick to follow and really hard to pull back. They are like a release I can’t control. When I was still in denial and trying to still function in a high pressure job the anxiety was so out of control that I couldn’t even talk to people without the anxious tears getting in my way. It got to the point that I would tell my staff to just ignore the tears. It didn’t need to be a stressful conversation. It could be a friendly social conversation. Just the effort of listening and forming coherent sentences was beyond me. I was just wondering if others have experienced the same thing. Does anxiety trigger crying?

Second, has anyone else experience wanting to choose a meltdown over mindlessness? An urge to just let it explode rather than breath through it to get to a grounded place. It was a first for me tonight and it really surprise me how much I was in that moment resenting knowing anything about mindlessness or grounding. That urge I had tonight was like what I imagine a junky might feel when desperate for a fix. I wanted am immediate release. I didn’t want to stuff it, walk through it or anything of the kind. I wanted to explode.

Third.... I forget now what my third question was. Oh well... maybe it will come to me and I will bless you all again with an SS Novella. Lol.

It has been quite a night. I think I am numb actually but it’s okay. It’s a restful kind of numb.

I loves youse guys. I listened to a great dharma talk this evening at dharmaseed.org, James Baraz, Opening to the Moment, posted on 3/2/11. Just in case anyone's interested. He hits on some important concepts, (forgiveness of self and others, ceasing trying to "figure it all out", etc.) with humor and directness.

SanitySeeker, thank you so much for your beautiful story about your mother and the spiritual ceremony, the vision and celebratory feast. I am grateful for the presence of Rich and Joey in my life for as long as they were with me. They will always be with me in spirit. Maybe I'll find a meaningful ritual for celebrating them. Sunset, I appreciate the story of lighting the memorial candle for your father. I'm sorry for the losses of your parents, SS and Sunset. I'm thinking of you, ((((((Sundog)))))), in your frustration and so identify with that stuck feeling.

This thread piles up so fast it is hard for even me who comes here throughout the day to keep up with it all. Sooo much I want to respond to but it just goes to fast. I am not complaining one little bit. I think it is awesome. I just wish I could catch up with offering back.

Nevertheless please know that I do read everything and though I may not be about to touch one everything I would like I do offer my prayers and hold you each in a warm place in my heart wishing you peace and freedom from all those things that challenge our wellness. May we all grow into that place of joy and liberation.

Bless you my special friends.

Stare into the centre trying not to blink and see the spokes change. Look a little away from the centre or blink rapidly and see the wheel turn. Its an optical illusion but I like the mindlessness of gazing into it.

Here is another one.... stare into the centre and then move your eyes around the circle.... do you see all the colour changes... well shades at least...

Dear SS, thank you for that amazing story of your night. I think, from my perspective you described walking through resistance.... this time with cognition. I do believe that when we walk through things with cognition, it is a very healing process. From what I read you perfectly described the resistance you were experiencing. Resistance to mindfulness, grounding and using the tools you know you have. But it seems to me that you were conscious during the resistance. I think thats excellent. So from where I sit, I am sorry that you had a difficult night, but congratulations on having been so conscious of your process. And also, in the end you chose to ground and meditate. You did it !!!! Thank you for the graphics. they are really cewl.

Laviee, thank you for the link. I, for one, will check it out.

Sending hugs ( or reverent bowing)for you all, including wonderful sundog whose name i did not type until now. Blessings for all you wonderful souls !!!!!

I love the depth and breadth of this thread too And I also love it's intimacy. Thank you guys for making this a safe and healing place

((((((ss)))))) It was very moving to read how you celebrate your Mom's life each year How beautiful. And how wonderful that your partner helped you make the transition from mourning her loss to celebrating her life. I lost my Dad three years ago and I feel a lot of pain. It's another thing I try and avoid thinking about because it hurts so much. That's something for another post though.

I'm blown away that you were able to choose mindfulness over an explosion of anxiety/rage earlier. Unfortunately I am nowhere near that level of enlightenment. When you ask in your post whether anyone chooses an explosion over mindfulness, I am sorry to say that I do. I am very reactive and quick to snap. Oftentimes it doesn't even feel like a choice, it's so automatic. But I know I DO have a choice, just, that choice needs to be made in a split second. And I'm struggling with that.

It is really awesome that you are achieving this ((((((((ss))))))) And very inspiring!

I'm determined to go to bed earlier tonight so I will end here and wish everyone a peaceful and restorative night.

Much love to all

Thanks Lavie for your condolances and prayers. I remember when I reached the age of her passing (48) and I thought to myself, 'every year forward is dedicated to you mum'. Only when I turned 48 did I realize how very young she was. She had lived a very hard and somewhat anguished life in her last 15 years. She had been paralyzed in an accident and she never come to grips with it. Her life was over.

Beyond the lose there was a sense of relief for her to be free of the suffering her distress caused her. She is free to dance again.

And thank you too for the reminder about the dharma talks. I keep forgetting to go there. I will make a point of it soon. It sounds like you had a great listen tonight.

I am glad you saw the beauty in my story Lavie. I think its great that you are goinig to try to find a meaningful ritual to celebrate Rich and Joey. May it be of great comfort for you.

I too want to thank you Sunset for sharing about the candle. I love those kinds of moments of timely discovery. What a blessing.

We loves youse too!!

Thanks so much for the information about the talk. I would like to listen to that when I have more time at the weekend

Thanks sunset.... I have never heard of that before but it makes sense. Walking through resistance... with cognition. I think I understand what that means. Is it like being aware of the resistance, or in my words the rebellion, lol... so that you know who the enemy is so to speak... for lack of better words.... lol.... that is a contradiction... me without words. lol

I am curious now.... what would it be like to not be conscious of the resistance... what might be the consequences of that?

I appreciate your insight into the experience and for reinforcing its teaching value for me. In the end I was relieved that I had not submitted to the urges. If history is any indication had I given it, the truth is there would not be a release but rather a heightening imbalance. it would surely have taken me to a place I don't want to go. I would likely be a blubbering ball of pain and suffering crouched in a corner somewhere. Who knows how long it would have then taken me to get any air.

Another outstanding reason this thread has been so therapeutic and educational. Together we can. Very cewl!!

I am glad you like the pics. They have a kind of mandela or sacred circle effect to them. That is why I like them.