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#1
Mar 26, 2009, 04:03 PM
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I did it again.. Last night.
I sat there, fiddling with my wallet and my blade feel out, dropped onto my bed. I picked it up and went to put it back into my wallet, but I just couldn't move.. I seemed mesmerised by my blade. Just sat there staring at it. I was shaking like crazy, really anxious, crying. I lost the battle of wills. Normally I can win, but everything just took over.. It was like I was watching myself from outside of my own body, drawing the blade across my skin, watching myself sit there letting it bleed again and again. It was horrible. I cut 24 times. That must be the most I've done in one go. No. The most I did was 29. :/ they were the worst ones. These, though.. they weren't that bad.. I made them more like deep scratches, so that they'd hurt more.. Now they really hurt. I have to go... |
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#2
Mar 26, 2009, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
You've got to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe - even if that means throwing away a once valued item of security. Replace it with something else... like a cut out of a heart with the main reason why you don't hurt yourself on the back Good luck <3 |
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#3
Mar 26, 2009, 05:14 PM
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You can beat this!!!!
(((hugs))) |
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#4
Mar 26, 2009, 06:27 PM
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getting rid of the blade would be good - that way it cannot drop out and tempt you again - I have a stone with hope written on it - maybe you could get somthing like that - or a list of reasons not to hurt yourself in the place where the blade was
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#5
Mar 28, 2009, 11:52 AM
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I will try these ideas.. I'm not sure I can do it myself, but I guess I can try and if not, I'll get Connor to throw it away in front of me.. I don't know.
I'm really, horribly ill today, so.. Won't be around for a few days.. Take care everyone. |
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#6
Mar 28, 2009, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
I wish you so much luck and courage in this endeavor! 
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#7
Mar 28, 2009, 06:26 PM
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hope you're feeling better
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#8
Mar 30, 2009, 11:30 AM
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I finally emailed my tutor today to tell her that I'm quitting college.. I got angry and whacked my head earlier
 I haven't let him go near my wallet since i put that blade in there, I'm so scared that he'll throw it away without me knowing and I'll go to get it one day and it won't be there, then I'll panic.. I think I'd be ok if i know it's gone.I went to the house of the owners of my dog's parents today. I was so, so scared, but they weren't home. I was scared that they'd moved, but they hadn't. They still had the same yorkie statue in the window so tonight, I will be calling them to find out whether I can get the papers from them. If I can't get through to them, I will write and send them a letter, detailing why I'd like the papers and such. First of all, i was going to make a little white lie about it, but realising that this woman is very strict about the homes her pups go to, it struck me that if anything, after telling her my story, she'd help me as much as she could to get my dog back! I'm so, so, soooooo excited!!Now that I've quit college I'll have the time to go and see her, too and I'll be able to find a place to move into that allows pets and be able to have her live with me again! YAY! So today's been pretty good on that part. I'm just apprehensive about my tutor reading that email... Sigh. At least, though, I have a plan for getting my dog back, which, in turn will make me better It's all I've needed all along. My little girl back 
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#9
Mar 30, 2009, 12:41 PM
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((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))) Much Love to YOU!! Holmes |
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#10
Mar 30, 2009, 05:50 PM
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I'm glad things are starting to work out for you
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#11
Mar 31, 2009, 10:41 AM
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Thank you, Holmes and Phoenix...
I have to make the call to get my dog's Birth papers back, in a bit... I'm soooooo nervous! But I have a prettyt good feeling about it... Was supposed to be going to Cardiff on the 25th April, for an audition, but money situation and the state of my hands and arms and other such things like organising times and such, have stopped me being able to go... Plus the fact that I guess I can do it next year... I haven't heard a single thing back from my tutor, which goes to show just how *Little* she cares. I hate her. I really do. All she's done since I joined that course is give me hell, make me feel worse, like nothing, a nobody and ignore my cries for help. Everything I do to try and help myself to relax, like a nice weekend away from all the crapness, from all the crap feelings and people, with my bf, is always s**t on. All I ask is that I can just chill out for a weekend with my bf on a holiday not too far from home. Is that so much to ask? I never get a break. I never let myself get a break... He knows how much I need it and he is trying his damndest to get me this break away... But... I just keep thinking 'what's the point in carrying on if I can't even be allowed to be happy?!' So... I'm quite down right now... Plus the fact that Chris told me to ***** off last night after I asked him (when a friend told me to) to stop telling this friend, who has a boyfriend and is younger than me and Chris, to strip naked on webcam. It got me fired up and angry and when he told me where to go I almost screamed. I sat there and looked at the screen, thinking 'wtf?!' and said "whoaaa... What's wrong?" and he told me he's sick of people, sick of being strong for everyone, he tried to be strong for me but he "cba" anymore and he's being strong for Dan, who lost his Dad to Cancer. he then said "maybe my problems are actually worse than everyone elses, maybe I just hide them to make everyone else feel like I'm strong". Heh. That caught me off guard. So i said "Maybe they are, Chris... But why don't you start talking to the people that care? People like me..." he then said "don't tell Dan that I said any of this because I'm being strong for him." I sat back and thought who the hell does he think I am?! I then said to him... "Chris, do you really think I'd go and blab to Dan that you're not as happy as you make out? It'd crush him, it'd crush you, it'd crush me. Our trust would be broken and it' just not worth it. I don't goblabbing to people about other people's problems, hence why I try to help so many people. I may have my own s**t and seem wrapped up in it, but I'm far from wrapped up in my own s**t. I want to help you and that's coz I care. nothing more, nothing less. It's what I'm here for" he said "no you're not" which stung... I thought... 'What else could I be there for as his friend? As someone who's helping him?' he didn't explain. Sigh. This week I've just had all my efforts thrown back in my face. I was explaining to someone that life will get easier, that I have seen people come out of a heavy depression... She said "Hah. And just because they've got through it, that automatically means I will?" Whoa... I didn't say that it automatically says she will... I was just reassuring her that it can, and with help, will get better for her. She said to leave her alone she's in a grumpy mood and she'll just snap my head off... Fair enough, but... So much for appreciation! What the hell is it about me that people hate so much and seem to want to take everything out on me? I mean... Yeah I'm there to talk to, but not to have people be so harsh... Why? I don't get it... I give up on always trying to make myself happy and failing... |
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#12
Apr 06, 2009, 08:53 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#13
Apr 06, 2009, 12:49 PM
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Maybe I am... No... I KNOW for a fact that I am I hate not helping people, really hate it... I've blocked out some of the people I usually help, but some others, I just can't block out. I live with them. GAAAAHHHHH!! I'm driving myself insane!!!! I have posted in... Depression, I think, about something that happened last night... I want to break my 2 weeks SI free because of it, I am a useless pile of s**t, good for nothing but being beaten and a punchbag when people are angry or upset, or someone to manipulate, get to do things. I am nothing but easy to manipulate, hate, lie to, hurt... I don't know.. I know when people are lying, I know how to defend myself... But I hate catching people out... Like I did before I got my final beating from my adoptive Mum, I'm scared that I'll get seriously hurt because of it. GRRRRR |
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#14
Apr 07, 2009, 11:05 AM
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Quote:
You are a wonderful person TPND! I support you because you are valuable!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#15
Apr 07, 2009, 01:08 PM
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Thanks, Sannah...
I'm scared I'm going to slip back into it. I'm really not well and I know I'm not, yet I keep pushing myself. i told my friend, Tom... That I'm in bed, that I've stayed in bed for days to let my illness get better. Nuh-uh. That's bulls**t. That was just to make him stop worrying about me. He said he's going to come over and see me, but i said no. i begged him not to. I'm a mess and I know it and I don't want anyone seeing me like it. I go to Connor's, I slap a smile on. I fake it the whole time I'm there. I'm scared i'm going to break my time free of si. I don't want to but I feel like I need to... |
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#16
Apr 08, 2009, 10:23 AM
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Why are you isolating???????
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#17
Apr 08, 2009, 11:33 AM
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beause I feel that if anyone sees me, they'll be shocke d and make sme go to hosipoyal or something. I;m scaesed I don't want to fo to hospital I dont want people.e sto see me in this etate. it's tnot good and i dont' lwike it. especially when im panickinggd like I am nwo.
Sorry., I hate isolatiutng and I knwo taht I do it al ot. Vbut I just dont' awnt people to see hwo I reallyl feel and stuff. Ghahh I'm struggluing so muc right now. o think Im gojna faint.
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#18
Apr 09, 2009, 07:44 AM
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TPND, it sounds like you are backing yourself into a corner. Why don't you want to go to the hospital?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#19
Apr 09, 2009, 08:03 AM
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Maybe I am... I don't mean too
I don't want to go to the hospital because I feel like I go there too much, I feel like I'm a burden. I feel mostly like they think I'm attention seeking or something... When in actualy fact, I'm just screaming out for help The panic attack the other night... It was lucky I didn't have to go to hospital then, lucky I managed to stop hyperventilating... I couldn't breathe at all and Connor was so worried... He's never seen me have a panic attack before... I almost ODed again last night :/ I have so many pills in my room, but they can't be thrown away because I need them to keep me sane.. I need them in case I get migraines, or can't sleep or whatever. I almost cut too.. I had my wallet on my bed, waiting for me to just pull out the blade and do it. I didn't. Thing that stopped me? Connor. I knew he'd see it this weekend and I didn't want to let him down.. I don't want to break my 13 days free... Not yet anyway... Sigh. Life. I can't be doing with it anymore. |
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#20
Apr 09, 2009, 12:06 PM
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Please stay safe!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#21
Apr 09, 2009, 05:42 PM
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(((TPND)))) hang in there
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#22
Apr 10, 2009, 08:05 AM
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I'm at Connor's now, so I can hardly do much to harm myself, apart from... Well.. Make my calorie intake as low as possible. I'm eating almost nothing. At Connor's, though... I make myself wake up late to avoid breakfast and I'm trying to avoid lunch today too
Sigh. I just can't seem to help it... If Connor gets me to eat lunch, like... Says that he's clicked taht I'm not eating properly, then I'll eat something.. I'll have to... To "prove" to him that I am eating properly... Even then, I'd have to get him to go out on a walk/run with me, or run around the house, or find excuses to keep going p and down the stairs, or like last night, dance - with Connor - and jump around to feel less guilty. Although, that doesn't always work... Gee. I hate being like this, really I do.. But I'm so fat and I hate it... Connor said this morning, after I'd had a shower and was getting dressed... "Baby... You've lost more weight... Your thighs are getting smaller, too..." I'm scared. Terrified that he's catching on. I don't want him to, but in a way I do... I'm starting to get weaker... I watched a program last night that Fearne Cotton was hosting. I think it was called Online Anorexia. Bad idea watching it, especially considering Connor's Mum and Aunt were in the room... I got tips from it and they were both sat there saying "how could anyone think that being THAT thin is attractive??" I sat there and thought... Because it's thin, it's the craze.. It's what people seem to want to see, otherwise people looking like that wouldn't have been employed, would they? But there's more to it than just being thin. Sigh. I don't want them to catch on either... Connor's Aunt then was really insensitive and said "ha. I'm a reovering anorexic, can't you tell???" (she's quite large...) Connor got really p**sed off because he knows that I've struggled with it before.. Don't think he knows I am atm though. He just tried to get me to eat something... I said I'm not hungry. Then he tried to get me to nibble on a plum because he said it was really sour and wanted me to taste for myself. I shied away... It's horrible, doing this, but I just can't seem to help it.. |
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#23
Apr 10, 2009, 11:41 AM
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So does the restricting food give you something to feel in control of when everything else feels so out of control?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#24
Apr 12, 2009, 11:14 AM
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Yes. It does. And so much... So so much control... I hate that I have to turn to that for control, but it seems the only way.
I've pushed myself way too hard this weekend, throwing myself into digging and de-rooting Connor's parents' garden ready to make a vegetable patch. Thr ribs that I broke a while ago have started to take the strain and it really hurts... But I feel a sense ofsatisfaction, because I'm aching ll over and I haven't let myself slack off for one day since I've been here. I'm obsessed with the exercise now... |
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#25
Apr 12, 2009, 04:29 PM
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then you need to eat TPND to keep your energy levels up - please take care of you
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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