5 Steps Backwards ***TRIGGER***

Well everyone last night I slipped and cut myself four times.....a few were pretty good ones. There was no rhyme or reason for it, no premeditation, no nothing....I simply went upstairs to get something, looked at the blade, and then slit. All of course in my upper thighs so they wouldn't be noticeable. I had done it a little last week, but nothing like last night.

I did go see my T today........I didn't realize how much I had missed him, which scared me even more. Last night I had almost decided against seeing him, but I thought that the walls were up well enough that he wouldn't get too far today.

It started out ok.....general stuff about my surgery and things. I thought that as long as I stayed calm, stayed unemotional, I would not think about things that he said...........wrong on that score.

There were a few times when I looked at him today that I really hated him - for knowing me, for understanding me. For being able to pinpoint things so exactly that I felt threatened.

I kept looking at my watch praying for the next patient to arrive so I could escape.......normally time goes by so quickly when we talk. Today was difficult because I had to keep all the walls up with him, I couldn't let him in - I can't allow myself to care that someone thinks I am worthwhile. As I told him, he is in a minority - there's just him.

There is a small part of me that believes I deserve better than what I have received in life from the people that I know - but thinking that and being proved wrong all of my life only means that I am consistently hurt. How tired I am of that.

I even went to a job interview before my appt. Nice, efficient, all together Mary Alice went and did all the right things - answered the questions right, smiled, and acted like the person on the resume was really me. I even heard the people talking about me before I went in there and how "she has all the management skills we want, and she knows how to handle problems and customers..........." Sure she does - but that isn't me.

I have a real need to put distance between my T and myself. This weekly appt thing is going to be very wearing on my nerves - I simply can not let him in and disrupt things that I have planned. That stupid part of me that is needy and keeps reaching out to him has to be controlled and stopped. I know that I won't call him for help. That I have pretty well under wraps.........but sitting in front of him and keeping those barricades up in front of the one person who I believe genuinely cares, is not easy.

He asked me if I was going to cut myself anymore tonight. He thinks I was feeling something yesterday that provoked me, but I told him that all I wanted was to see blood. That is true, I felt nothing before or afterwards. Tonight his words of why I am doing this are running through my mind and I don't like it.

I am confused, angry and more determined to keep him at bay simply because he scares me - his caring and concern for who I am. He is only one person and he won't be there forever for me - this is after all, his job.

Too much thinking, too much turmoil. I may cancel next week.

Mary Alice

Dear Mary Alice:

I can understand your hesitation and desire to keep the walls up, after all, as you stated, everyone you have trusted before has hurt you. For me, I think that is one of the triggers. I want to hurt myself before anyone else hurts me again.

It took me a long time to get out of denial and to reach out. After all, I thought (and truly believed at the time) that I had the perfect life. That I deserved to suffer because I had too much good.

Let me share with you probably some of the most valuable advice I have heard since I began seeing my T 6 1/2 years ago. "Recovery goes so much better when symptoms are out of the way"; "You can never have too much if you are grateful"; While these may not be pertinent to you, I thought I'd at least share them because I wish people had told me this years ago even though it seems so obvious now.

I am glad your T can see right through you because all I want for myself is for somebody to know the true me (this tells me it is possible)...not the person I had pretended to be for so long....

If your T is "pushing" you a little too hard or covering too much ground too fast, it is OK to ask him to slow down or take "baby steps". For a while, my T and I didn't talk about "deep" issues because she knew at that point I couldn't handle it. On the other hand, some day she pushes me and I almost welcome it because without her prodding I wouldn't be able to reveal the issues on my own, voluntarily.

I personally believe the more that I want to pull away from my therapist, it is because I am on the "verge" of some major revelation and I am just overcome with fear. She keeps telling me it is in the past and can not hurt me any longer. Personally, I don't quite agree since memories can still hurt, but I have learned new tools, have new support systems, and have changed myself (despite my efforts at trying to change others which of course almost invariably fails).

I just want you to know that I can also believe there was no reason for your cutting, you felt nothing before or after. Often times the same thing happened to me. For a long time I tried deciding if it was a depressive thing or an obsessive compulsive thing...then I figured out it didn't really matter. It still wasn't helping me recover. I am doing much better now.

Please do not cancel your appointment with your T. I also think it is important to have a job where you can be you and where you enjoy what you do and the people you work with. Please keep me posted...You'll be in my thoughts...

Donna

Hi (((((Mary Alice))))) = tis me, Peanut. I haven't been on much -been going thru kind of a low - but wanted to come and see how things went at your Dr.'s appt. today = I'm so proud of you for going - I know how much courage it takes to risk being that vulnerable feeling. I read again a hint that you still have your plan.... I hope that you will keep fighting to stay around, and I know that you know that I mean that. I think you give such good caring responses to others, and I know it is because you understand and can empathize with their pain. I'm hoping you won't give up on going to your T, though, again, I really DO understand how disconcerting it can be & to deal afterward with things that are dredged up, but can only pray that it will be worthwhile for you. Thinking of you often; your friend, Peanut :-)

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Hi again. I just read your other post, so there is more than a hint at a plan. A lot can change in 6 weeks and you don't have to do it just because you come upon this self-imposed deadline; in the meantime, you have made some really positive steps for you and your son = you got thru the surgery = Yay you! = I do wish there was some way not to have to deal with your husband's 'stuff' that is so toxic for you at this time; perhaps a plan to leave that situation but not life entirely is the answer. Anyway, I like you, so I want us to keep being friends, OK? Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

hi Donna,

nice to see you back again. I wish that I had even a little good outside of my son........to feel that mythical word "happiness". Yes, my T sees right through me, stuck little chisel marks in my walls today and that frightened me. I know that he is one of the few that could actually help me.

He thought that I was afraid to reach out for help to him because I didn't believe he would be there.......quite the opposite as I told him today. I know he would be there and would work through most anything with me. Sounds strange that I am pushing him away then, doesn't it? I guess it is just my belief that I am not really worth saving, but that subject is argue constantly back and forth.

He kept digging today about "how" I was feeling before and after, so I'm glad that the nothingness did exist. He had me wondering if maybe I missed something.

Thank you for responding.

Mary Alice

Peanut, I have missed you. Is there anything at all that I can do for you to make you feel better? <sending hugs and prayers your way>.

My husband refuses to pay for things after the end of Sept. That means it all falls back on me, and if I can't work or don't have a good job, then I have failed in taking care of my family. That is completely unacceptable to me - then I have no purpose, no value. I know what you are saying, Peanut and the last thing I want to do is upset you esp. since I like you alot too

Please pop in more often so I know that you are okay.......I care about you.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your post here was the first thing I read tonight. I am concerned about you.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It's hard to let yourself believe that people really care about you, but they do. I do. You are my friend and I hope that you will stay around. I can't really speak for other people, but I don't need to because they are telling you that they care and they really do care about you. You have much more worth than you realize.

Could your cutting last night have something to do with seeing your T? It's just a thought. You had said that you were going to be able to tell him that you had not hurt yourself in two weeks, but then the night before your appointment (which you were thinking about cancelling) you did it. I thought of that possibility partly because when I cut myself in June I think that it was partly about seeing my T. I had seen him the day before and was not going to see him for a month. I was thinking about quitting therapy (I'm probably about ready but I don't want to). I didn't know why I cut myself then, and I'm sure that there were more than just one reason for it. I was embarassed and wasn't going to tell him (maybe I wanted to give myself a reason not to quit therapy yet). He never asks about that specifically anyway. When I did tell him, by e-mail, he never said anything about it and hasn't brought it up at all. I really like my T. He's about the same age as my father and I wish that I could trade and have him for a father instead of mine. Well, I got a little off topic there but it was a thought. I get the idea that you like your T at least as much as I like mine. They're both good. What makes them good is that they are willing to let the boundaries blur enough to actually be a friend - not just someone who gets paid to listen. Caring like that really goes beyond it just being a job, and doesn't come without a price to them personally either.

Let's talk a little about this deadline of yours too. Have you set that deadline because of your husband's ultimatum about not paying for anything? Going through with what you planned might make him sorry for doing that to you, and at least get his attention, but he isn't worth it. He's not the only one who would pay. You and your son and your friends here and your real life friends and your T would all be very hurt, more than your husband would be. Who is worth more? It's not your husband. He hasn't earned that much of a price, that's for sure. The suggestion that someone (I think it was Heidu) made about changing your deadline to be a deadline for getting out from under his control and improving your life makes much better sense.

Sorry I didn't write back on this thread right away. I knew I would take a while writing my response so I waited to start on it, and it has taken me some time to get it down anyway. You've probably gone to bed already but you can read it in the morning. If any of this helps you I'm glad, and if it doesn't then feel free to disregard.

Love,
Your Friend,
Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

Mary Alice,
I have some questions and thoughts. If you don't want to answer don't.

"I couldn't let him in - I can't allow myself to care that someone thinks I am worthwhile."
I don't understand this. Your T thinks you are worthwhile and we all think you are. I KNOW your son does, you are the most important person in his world. Why don't you want to believe that? Do you really believe that? I know your husband thinks of you as a paycheck and that's really sad BUT concider the source. He himself is worthless, not you.

"I simply can not let him in and disrupt things that I have planned."

Why do you go? Why do you keep coming here? I know you made a deadline and your focus is on that but why are you reaching out. If you know it is the right thing to do why make a deadline? Why bother going on making freinds here and going to see your T? Mary Alice, I don't believe you have given up hope and I don't believe you want to end your life. I think you are tired, tired of being hurt and tired of feeling useless. I understand that, alot of us do. Did you make a deadline because maybe just maybe something good could happen before then? It has you know. You have people here who genuinely care about you. I have never met you and I will never see your face but I genuinely care about you. There is something in you that has touched my heart. I read your postings to others about hanging on, being friends, seeing life instead of suicide. I see a woman who cares and who wants to be cared about. Maybe right now the people around you don't make you feel that way but I also see that you wouldn't let them if they tried thier best. You don't have to let everyone in. You just need one good person, someone who cares. You have more than that already.

"Nice, efficient, all together Mary Alice went and did all the right things.....but that isn't me."
How is it that you can do well at work and impress people with your skills and that not be "you"? That is a part of you. Every person has many "parts", those parts make a whole person. Good and bad parts, it's what makes us who we are. Those things that you do regarding work, your ability to function and do well is because of who you are. Why won't you let yourself see that? The good, positive things in you? Those things show me that given the right environment you could thrive and provide very well for your son.

You mentioned in another post that providing was your only worth and right now you are not able to do that "properly". I will tell you again that income does not equal worth. You can provide in many other ways also. Emotionally and physically. There is alot you can give to the people you care about that money cannot buy. You cannot buy a hug, a sense of love, caring, being there, being tucked in at nite, there is so much more. You CAN always under any circumstances provide those things for your son. So maybe right now you wouldn't be able to buy him really nice tennies or maybe you can't go to the movies every other day but I bet your son would much rather have you make him something to eat for dinner even if it's mac and cheese and sit on the couch with you and watch TV. HE needs you, you can provide so much more for him. There is no one else that can replace you. He needs you for those hugs and to make him feel complete love. There is nothing that compares to a bond between a mother and a child.

"but sitting in front of him and keeping those barricades up in front of the one person who I believe genuinely cares, is not easy."
Your T cares Mary Alice. Yes, true he is getting paid but he went to school and chose this line of work to help people. He sees something in you that you will not allow yourself to see. You admit that he is the one person who could help you. Let him care, let him help. There is so much more to life than pain. I know we are all here because we have troubles or are in pain of some sort. We are all looking for someone to care and to help in whatever way they can. We wouldn't be here if we didn't need eachother and if it didn't help.
You can get better, you can deal with past issues. It hurts and it's hard, I know When you feel better about yourself and are in a safer, positve environment life will look so much different to you. You will see people differently. You will learn what kind of people bring you down and those that will keep you up. Sometimes you misjudge and you will get hurt but you move on and you have others in your life.
I think about you every day. I hope one day before your deadline I will hear that you are leaving your bad marriage and you want to live. That for me will be a beautiful day because I know that day a child will have his mother to watch him grow and be there for him always and the world will not have lost a beautiful person so tragically.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}} I am just going to repeat a couple of things that the others have already said.

I used to think that that part of me that was efficient and well balanced and able to cope with the world was a lie. I hated that part of me because that is the part that other people WANT to see so that is the part that they notice. So many times I have heard things like "she is the rock that holds us together" and "She is the calm in the storm." It drove me crazy because inside I was feeling crazy. Here I am cutting and hurting myself because I just couldn't cope with life in a productive way. I couldn't cope but every one else saw me as...OK. They didn't see the hurting part of me. That made that part of me feel so very lonely. It took a long time for me to realize that I could use that part of me that others see as a calming influence to help myself. I look to that part of me as a guide to who I wish to be. If I can be that way for a portion of the day for other people then I can use that part of me for myself. She is my rock now. She is my calm in the storm. She is part of me.

As far as pushing the T away. I can so identify with that. I have hated my T to the core of my being. I hate him most when he is touching a part of me that I need to deal with but don't want to deal with. I dispise him for making me get better. I use those feelings of hate as a signal to me that we are enter and period of change and it will be good. When I hate him I know it is time for me to buckle down and work hard so that I can move forward.

Well, the stove delivery people are so I have to go. Take care Mary Alice. We love you,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

"Why do you go? Why do you keep coming here?" Don't get me wrong... this is just my opinion... attention.

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

Hi (((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))): I used to believe that I 'was' what I did for a living, and that my only value was in the work that I did, but when the panic attacks & then agoraphobia came on this last year, I've had to grapple with the inherent value of us as persons, as souls, as unique children of God or the Universe, (whichever you're comfortable with). You are a very GIVING and COMPASSIONATE person, Mary Alice, and I have come to care about you very much!!!!!! Please don't feel uncomfortable expressing your feelings because of not wanting to upset us; you need to be able to talk it all out so that you can sort it all out in your mind and heart. We'll be here however long that is, but, yes, I am hoping it will be for a very long time to come that you will keep coming here, because you are becoming a real friend to me!!! Take care and warmest regards.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Val,
I think in a way your right...attention... but not in the negative sense of the word. Everyone wants to be paid attention to. Everyone is seeking a safe place where there is kindness , love, a sense of security. When your lonley, scared, unhappy, depressed etc. everyone needs attention. They need one person to reach out and say "hey, I know your here and I care".
I know I need that.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

That reminds me of some of my roommates in college. They wanted me to move out because there was somebody else they wanted to give my place in the apartment to, but I was stupid and stayed there anyway. So, for the rest of the year they did everything they could to make me miserable. They never talked to me - ignored me and would stop talking any time I entered a room, except when they were complaining about me. I was cut off from my family and didn't really have any other friends. It wasn't long before I was really falling apart. I was doing things like sitting under tables and desks (since I wasn't good enough to be worthy of sitting on a chair) and also making suicidal gestures (cutting on my wrists). These were girls who had been my friends the year before, and I had probably expected too much of them. When we had all just moved into that apartment I had told them that I didn't have very good social skills and didn't know very many people and asked them to introduce me to people and help me make more friends. They said no. Anyway, later in the year when they were confronting me with everything I did wrong there was part of a conversation that I will never forget. They said that I wanted to be treated "special" and I said no, I just wanted to be treated like anybody else - normal , and their reply was "We'll treat you normal when you act normal." I didn't have a reply to that and they threw in, "You just need attention."

I didn't say any more to them, but have thought about that a lot. I did need attention desperately. I had nobody and the people I lived with were treating me as if I didn't exist most of the time and making it clear the rest of the time that they wanted me not to exist. Yes, I needed attention. I needed somebody to care. So, when somebody needs something and even has tried to ask for it in an appropriate way, but has gotten so desperate for it that they are trying anything to communicate that need, why do people think that the best thing to do is to make sure that the thing that is needed continues to be withheld at all cost?

My point is that some people think that it is bad to need attention, but is it bad to need to breath, eat, and have water? People have needs. What's wrong with that? And when someone needs something, doesn't it make more sense to help them get what they need? I'm not saying that any of you are like my roommates were, just illustrating that it is okay and understandable to need attention.
Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are doing?

Take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

"hey, I know your here and I care."
and im not just saying that either, ive had my eye on you ever since i first met you...

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

Hi Wendy <hugs & kisses>

You are so sweet, ty for caring. I really am amazed by expressions of caring and concern - in all my years no one has ever worried about me as much as everyone here. Sometimes it actually stops me from posting because I hate the thought of hurting anyone on here. I have always been more concerned with others, than myself - too much past experience and reinforcement beginning with my parents and thru life, that Mary Alice is only worth air space when she is accomplishing something or doing something that someone needs her to do.

I thought about your statement about my cutting.............and maybe it did. I know that the thoughts of blocking him and trying to maintain those walls around him were in my mind when I made some more cuts last night. And yes, I think he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. His opinion matters to me, and the thought of not seeing him and being able to talk to him terrifies me.

And yes, in part it has something to do with my husband's statement. What will happen is I will be forced to push myself back into a high paying job that physically will hurt me. I won't be able to just let things slide and let my family suffer. I will put aside all the doctor's instructions and do what I need to do - and then I will pay the price physically by ending up in the hospital for more surgery. Because of my over doing already, I ended up in the ER last night for over 7 hours - I will explain that in a diff post. I was told to decrease my activities.......sure, I can. The night before my appt. my husband refused to drive me.....even though I can't drive right now without a great deal of pain with my stick shift. He screamed at me for hours (in front of my son no less) and called me numerous names because he was out of cigs and if I didn't care enough about him to get him a pack, I could drive myself. I have no money right now, and I am having to constantly overdraw my checking just to keep his mouth shut.

I despise asking people for help - it just shows me that I can't handle things and am more useless. I had to do it at my son's school (private school) so that he could continue going there. I am so far behind on his tuition and now another new year with over $1000 in fees due plus last years. He wants to be in the Scouts, so mom went asking for help and they are going to get him the manual and shirt so he can be part of it. I want him to socialize more and be with the other kids........my husband could care less about his getting a better education or anything. He hates the school and constantly gives them a hard time. He is an embarassment, 98% of the time.

Wendy, I never disregard or ignore what you say. I appreciate the fact that anyone reads my ramblings and takes the time to respond and care. You're very special.

Mary Alice

hi Heidu,

Like I said, thanks to my T I am realizing that my past has made somethings built into me - it has shaped how I feel about myself.

I was in trouble once and my parents wouldn't write to me "because I wasn't worth the postage". If I got B's in school, it was wtf is wrong with me, because I must not be applying myself and not caring because I was capable of more - so Mary Alice pushed and always got A's then. I was the 10th person in my graduating class, and it was still not good enough - I mean 9 other people were better than me. I'm not saying that for sympathy, just stating the facts of how expectations have always been set very high for me - and I have now internally set them even higher. I am my own worst critic.

I go to see my T and come here for the same reason - people care. It is the only 2 places where I can really say what I feel and someone understands...........and where no one really "wants" anything from me, unlike in real life. There is a small part of me that does NOT want to die - a very small one, but it is there. Yes, I am tired of being hurt, used and told that I "have" to do this, "have" to do that.........otherwise I don't care, I don't meet other people's standards.

As long as the nice efficient me is running things, they go smoothly. That only happens when I don't allow myself to feel any kind of emotion. Yes, I have value to my son. That is the reason I haven't done it a long time ago. He is happy just curled up with me..........when I get to preoccupied with things he will walk up to me and say, "No hug, no kiss, what's up with that?" lol. We talk at night before we go to sleep..........and he knows that I love him more than anything else in the world. He saw my cuts and that bothered him - he doesn't miss much.

I have been told that I am a "cold, heartless, unfeeling, self-centered ******", etc.............but a beautiful person before - never. Thank you for such a wonderful compliment {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}. I am myself here and with my T, the two places I feel safe at.

Mary Alice

Carrie {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs & kisses}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I can't get the two parts of me together in one package. I firmly resist the idea that I have value, that I can do all those things - it simply is NOT me..........logically, I know it is a part of me, but it is simply an image of people expect.

Yes that is why I hate my T sometimes. I hate him for caring, for making me worry about disappointing him, for always being there unlike everyone else..........I am constantly waiting for him to fail me, and prove that he is like all the rest. I hate him for knowing the real me and still caring. He knows all this, that I am waiting for him to fail me. He says he won't and I really believe that - that makes it worse.

Take care.

Mary Alice

No Valbends, I am not "looking for attention". I am searching for people who I can be myself with, who will actually understand and possibly care. I have found all that and more here.

sorry, i was just sharing what it is for some people... didnt mean to offend you, sorry

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

Ahhhhh Peanut {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lots of hugs & kisses}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am what I do Peanut...........I haven't gotten past that yet. It is why I consistently kill myself at my jobs, because it is a reflection of who and what I am. I know you care, and the feeling is returned, so very much. You are indeed one of the reasons I keep returning here.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I do care about you. Ty for believing that.

Sorry about the night at the ER and your continued pain and how rotten your husband and the doctors have been. I wish that I could be there and knock some sense into all of them for you.

Please keep posting here. We do care and we want to be kept updated on how you are doing. We just worry more if you don't post for a while, so please keep checking in. Besides, you have so much to contribute and are helping people here too.

Wendy

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

Mary Alice,
I didn't respond to this before because I wasn't ready (having a bad day myself).
I think we have alot on common. Growing up no matter what I did I was never good enough. Dad didn't care but mom was always on my case. The house would have to be cleaned "like the president was coming" "do it right the first time" There was no room for error. Once I cleaned the entire house spotless but I didn't do the dishes, always hated them most and when my mom saw she didn't thank me she yelled at me for not doing the dishes. I was 8 years old. When I made little things in school she would never hang them on the refrigerator or put them on display because "I could've done better". No job I ever had has been good enough. I was "wasting my time" because I was not a teacher like she wanted me to be. I was forced to take piano lessons which I hated with every part of my being but mom wanted to play piano and it was too late for her so it had to be me.
I was told I was stupid and nothing I ever did was right. I spent my entire chidhood getting screamed at.
One day someone told me that I was the smartest person thay had ever met. I guess they haven't met too many people but I figured there must be something in what they said. Maybe mom was wrong? I started thinking about my life, what I had done. I had had numerous jobs that I did very well at and enjoyed. I helped friends and they respected me. I could figure stuff out, create stuff and make things work. I finally realized that whatever mom or anyone else thought I wasn't stupid. I was me. I had my own gifts. I was free to live my life and not care if someone thought it was wrong or stupid. Then I actually started achieving at work, I took chances and found out I could do well. I wasn't afraid to put myself out there because I started to believe the ONLY failure is not trying. As long as I tried then whatever happened, happened.
I was also my worst enemy. My expectations were and still are high but I can keep myself in check now because I know there is no failure in not being perfect. If I do something I can only do my best. I don't have to half kill myself to do it perfect and I CAN ask for help if it's too much.
You don't HAVE to do this or HAVE to do that. Your life is a choice. You can choose what you need to do and how to do it. If it's not right for someone else to hell with them. You are the one that has to live with it not them. Besides, do you tell other people how to live thier lives or that what they choose for themselves is wrong? What gives them the right to do it for you?
I would like to know who called you a cold, heartless, unfeeling, self-centered *****. They are wrong and we both know it. Was that your husband?
I am glad you are yourself here and with your T. When you are in a positve caring environment you can be yourself and I think everyone here and also your T think you are a great person. If others don't think that then screw them, you don't need people in your life that you can't be exactly who you are with. Distance yourself from them but don't stop loving yourself.
I hope your feeling better today. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley