[Aardwolf]

I've completely lost it, I genuinely think i'm going more mad then i already am.
I dont understand why i havnt let go completely, its not making a lot of sense.
Every second of every hour of every day I keep feeling it, the vast emptiness inside of me, the deafening sounds in my head that i cant silence.
I just want to let it all, i want to start that lovely pure addiction again, to really let the blood flow, to really push the limit of what i can stand.

I feel like i'm standing on the edge of that comforting abyss of the calmness it gives me, ready to jump all the way back in so i cant fall any further.

Those times when i completely leave myself and find myself inside my head with thousands of flying insects everywhere, blocking everything, causing havoc.

I want that peace again, the silence it brings, the pain it stops in my head and my heart. I need that cure. Its the only thing that works.

I'm not suicidal, i just want to bleed it all out. the rush, the sting, the pain. That lovely lovely addictive pain that says "Hello you idiot, your still alive? How does it feel, to still be here causing hell ?"

i've lost patience with myself. I've gone nowhere, of all the thigns, i've gone backwards. I'm $hit, I dont deserve to have anything i have.

[WePow]

Do you have a T to reach out to right now who may be there for you?
I am sorry you have that vastness of empty space. I am sorry that it takes pain to make the silence sometimes for you. Can you do anything at all that is good that might make it easier to make it through the next day?

[Aardwolf]

No, I dont, I have severe trust issues, I dont trust family and friends, let alone a T so isnt an option to be honest.
You dont have to be sorry, its not your fault, its just how I feel, but i appreciate your words.
And I hate saying this, but I did slip up, I did do it. And now i feel more worthless due to the fact that I posted on here and then still decided to do it anyway. Of all the thigns it made it worse because it calmed me down and made me realise just how much of an immense mess i'm in.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

[Sannah]

AC, you need to get help. Staying isolated makes these issues worse. You need to get help so that you can start working towards health. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Aardwolf]

Yes, i probbaly do. However i've always been able to sort myself in the end, maybe i just need a bit of time ? let myself sort my head out, then try something else ?
At the moment I just feel like i'm trapped again. But I dont think i've screwed it up this time because i've managed to keep it under control, mostly. I'm not really much of a danger to myself at the moment I dont think.

(((((((((((((((((ACQPL))))))))))))))))...we are here for you

[WePow]

(((((((( AC )))))))))) You are never ever a waste of time to me - or anyone here on PC. This is the right place to come when you need to be here. And just because you did SI, that does not mean you don't belong here. I think you know that though.

It sometimes helps to just come here and type before things get too much out of control inside. But if there is any way for you to get help from a therapist, please do that. There are some bad ones out there, but there are GREAT ones out there as well. And while it is hard work to build the trust relationship with a T, it can help you to get to the bottom of the internal anguish.

Self harm can only happen when the soul is in agony. It is not natural for someone to harm themselves - it goes against survival. I am so so sorry that you have that kind of pain in your heart because I know that kind of pain of my own and boy it makes living hard. I hate to see anyone in that kind of pain.

I hope you can find an outside voice for yourself that will free you from self harm.

[Aardwolf]

Well i clearly have wasted peoples time, everyone who's helped me for so long, and i've gone and done it. How do you rekon that makes people who helped me feel ? Probbaly like they should have done better and blame themselves.

I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one, I have so little trust in people, especially strangers, and yet, i have so much trust in SI, However I know its not good for me, but, it works.

I cant figure out how to change my attitude to that one, nor do i know if i want to change that attitude.

As for the soul being in agony, well, I'm fine now, Its sorted, I dont hurt inside as much as I did, admitedly its not a healthy way, but it works, and stops me from being suicidal.

I'll keep looking for something or someone i can trust, who i know wont get up and leave. Dont really know where to start, but i'll find something. But it seems every time i find that person, the either arnt interested, or they do leave.

[thine_self_untrue]

((((((((((((((acqpl)))))))))))))))

[WePow]

(((((acqpl)))) you said "How do you rekon that makes people who helped me feel ? Probbaly like they should have done better and blame themselves."

Actually, healthy people do not cary the blame or guilt around for the actions of others. Sure, maybe something said differently may have helped you, but the ultimate choice is really yours to make. Healthy people can support others without assuming blame or guilt if that support is not enough. So the chances are good that people here don't blame themselves at all for your freedom over yourself. No one here wants to control you. All we want to do here is be as much a support for you as we can be. But how you respond to your internal pain comes down to your freedom of choice.

So even if you didn't listen to anything anyone else said, even if you could not accept the support, it is our choice to give you that time and support. Many people here on PC care about others from a very deep place inside themselves. And that support is not conditional. You don't have to be perfect to get that support :-) You can make mistakes over and over again and we will still be here for you. And we will still care deeply for how things are going for you. And we will still offer whatever we can offer that may help ease your load a little.

Very big safe and free unconditional hugs to you!

[Aardwolf]

Oh. That would show how unhealthy i am then. I was under that assumption.
Unconditional ? I hope your not the same as the last person who used that word, they royaly screwed me over.
I want to accept support, but so much of me just wants to tell you all to go die and never talk to me again, its so confusing.
Thank god i dont have to be perfect, i'd be rather stumped if i had to be.

Thankyou for your kind words, and i apologise if i dont get better and all just yet, its not because i havnt listened to taken in what you said. I'm just slow like that.

[WePow]

ACQPL - I am not that other person. I am not sure who I am actually! I am just learning myself how to move forward in a healthy way. It is not easy. My unconditional support just comes from my very simple heart. It is a heart that tries very hard to not cause anyone else any harm. I miss tons of posts and can't reply much at times due to my own issues. But it doesn't mean I don't care.

And you don't owe anyone an apology for your actions to yourself... except you.
You are the one who goes to sleep inside your own skin.
It is really hard to learn that we are ultimately in charge of loving ourselves and taking care of who we are as a person.

Not too long ago I had an SUI attempt. I remember at the time being worried that my T would think he failed. I didn't do it (obviously) and I did end up talking with my T about it. He told me it would have hurt his heart to have lost me - because he cares deeply about me. But he also would not have blamed himself because he was doing the best he could do with me. I also told him that I knew he would not have been to blame because I was fighting my own demons and had my issues. It was not about anyone else, it was about ME and MY pain.

You have your own dance of life. You have a right to take your steps as slowly or quickly as you need or want to take them.

[Aardwolf]

I'm sure you not, I dont know why i even put hat, it really wasnt relevant.
And from what i can tell, your very "simple" heart is a gift i'm sure most people would like the entire world to have. Regarding your own issues, please dont post if you feel like thinking about whatever reply your going to put might make your life more difficult.
And i do owe apologies, i owe them to so so many people, for what i've not been able to achieve.
It is my own life, but i keep dragging people not just in, but also down in mine as well.. I have to be responsible for my actions.

[WePow]

Well it sounds to me like you have a wonderful heart. I just hope that you can find a good way to be able to find that peace you do deserve.

[Aardwolf]

I would argue that point, but i feel like i'll be kicked to the floor over that one so i wont try it.
I really do appreciate your kind words.
I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, well, "better" being not really in the mood to go too far, so not really good at all, i cant seem to stop being triggered :/ Oh well, it happens.

[Sannah]

AC, yes, SI can bring relief but if you go to therapy and fix the issues you won't need SI to bring relief. Therapy is essential to really fix these issues. You can continue to go around and around with your issues or you can go to therapy and work on getting rid of them.

[Aardwolf]

I know that not using SI is better. However it works, it keeps me calm, and its under control.. surely thats okay ?

[Ebpm]

Acqpl,
I haven't told anyone. It's horrible torture to be so unstrusting to my own parents but I just CAN'T.
Don't be like me! I know I need help, I know I should ask. I'm just too scared for this!!! I'm petrified of someone who knows better than me, who knows what's going on in my head.

But if I don't I'm going to SI....I can't stop!

Go get help! Please! I know you can do this, being alone isn't good enough anymore. You need someone else there to help you through it. That's what T's are there for, I've had them before, and they have helped immensly!
Now I'm on my own though.

[Aardwolf]

I've had help before, and they where briliant, they hlped me stop and everything, but i dont trust the system anymore. They ****ed people over who i know and love.
So yes, i wont lie, I can get help, but i honestly look at the options open to me, and none of them apeal, with SI, I'm in control, It works, It lets me think about situations. I'm not promoting it or anything, but it works for me..
Ebpm, Why are you on your own if you mind me asking ? Especially regarding the words you've given me. ?

[Ebpm]

I'm so scared....of what my parents will say. I want help but I don't want everyone to KNOW! I'm only a teen so it's not like I can move away or something! I'm terrified of what they'll say...about how my friends will view me.
I don't want anyone to think it's just for attention, or that I'm crazy and unstable.

I'm so scared of this.

[Ebpm]

I'm all alone.

All by myself.

((((((((((((((((((((Ebpm)))))))))))))))))we are here too ......many alone irl but here we are together....together in supporting one another...together in our pain...our descent times...our shame...and our glory.you are not alone cuz we are with you friend....hugs....safe hugs.wolfsong

[Ebpm]

Thank you Wolfsong.
It's just hard, not being able to tell anyone about this.

[Aardwolf]

Ebpm - I know how it feels to be alone, however as wolfsong said, we are all here to listen and support you. You can feel safe talking to us. sometimes its easier to talk to complete strangers. Its why i can actually talk on here because no-one knows who i actually am.
update on my situ - i nearly held it together today untill i genuinely decided to have quite a spectacular stack will wandering in the woods and loads of old ones opened, this really sucks. And the sight of it just completely took me out of it for a good few hours. Bad bad times. I'll live though.

[Ebpm]

ACQPL, (trigger from me much?)
well, then both of us have been baaaad, baaaaaad, SI's, and I can understand your sitiuation. I'm going for some nice, hand hurting ice-cubes... I'm very jealous of your optimism, especially considering how pessemistic I am....I had a major too-much-thinking-time and
because of this I now have a nice bloody rose on my left ankle.
I admit this was not in my better judgement but it releases the stress so well...I just couldn't help it!
Am I weak because I can't resist?
I'm so worried to tell!