distractions

I'm running out of distractions. I don't want to bother the crisis line again today, but I also want to keep from self-harming... not sure what else to do right now. I even made a list of what I get out of the self-harm (complete with some shameful and embarassing things)... it's not helping the urges lessen. I should be able to do this, but I'm not sure I really want to. I think the gains from the self-harm are greater than the consequences or any shame from it right now... ugh. I think I'm a lost cause.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. If you need to call the crisis line, that is what they are there for.
Can you find something to inspire you, such as a poem or a song? For me, I like to read the "Don't Quit" poem.
What about going for a walk or doing some sort of exercise?
Are you practing self talk?

Take it minute by minute. You can get through this. Big hugs.

Be safe,

Celtic

Sorry to hear you're struggling. If you need to call the crisis line, that is what they are there for.
Can you find something to inspire you, such as a poem or a song? For me, I like to read the "Don't Quit" poem.
What about going for a walk or doing some sort of exercise?
Are you practing self talk?

Take it minute by minute. You can get through this. Big hugs.

Be safe,

Celtic

thanks celtic. i've been trying the self-talk, and making little tasks for myself to put off the self-harm. I'm re-reading my list, including the shameful stuff. I'm not quite sure how to get some of that stuff in alternate ways. I've got music plugged into one ear at all times - I am trying to find something that releases the emotion. I'm coming to the end of my coping skill repertoire at the same time that my drive to remain sh-free is also waning. my T had left me an encouraging message recently so I have also been trying to listen to that periodically throughout the day. I've managed to stave it off so far... not sure I have anything to say if I bothered the crisis line again... :deep breath: I need to do this for other people though (they are very uncomfortable with the self-harm).

Hi there, sorry that my previous msg duplicated itself.
What emotion(s) are you holding in that you feel you need to release through SI? Can you identify it/them?
You are doing an awesome job! You are strong, and I can tell you want to stop because you are fighting hard for this. Keep going one minute at a time.
Big hugs!

Be safe,

Celtic

Stay Strong ThisWayOut Your doing amazing better then what i can do!! try to write some poetry or go play some sport go to the local shops and see if you run into any friends (worked for me but no friends where out and i don't have many friends) The Crisis line i haven't called but im seconds away from doing it no kidding but if they are helping call them it is they're job!! Watch a movie i dont know what your into but i do know a lot of good movies if you message me i can tell you some

But your doing amazing and you can do it!!

Take care of yourself...LittleTurtle

well, that failed... and now it's the middle of the night, and the crisis chats are closed. I don't think I could even whisper what I need at this moment... whatever... i'm just so tired, of everything. :/

Its okay ThisWayOut Im on a lot why dont you chat with me i will add you!!

Hi ThisWayOut, it's OK......it didn't fail at all!! You held out so much longer than you would have if you hadn't tried as hard as you did.
You held out as long as you could before the need took over. So for the time you held out........be proud!!! You now know you have so much strength in you to have lasted as long as you did. Every day/hour/minute counts!!!
And now back to the things that did help you get this far............maybe focus a little more on them? Switch them around in the order you're using them? Look at what else you can add to your "arsenal"? Ask someone else to help you with some of them where you can? Talk a little more to people?
And as for not wanting to bother the crisis line.......well you phone them as much as you need to...........if you need help you need help.............and how can it be a bother for them to be doing what they're there for. A lot of the people are going to be there on the end of the phone for the very reason of wanting to help.
So now, what do you say you focus on how well you have done and focus on maybe this/next time going for that little bit longer if you can???? You know you've had so much strength to come this far afterall, right???!!!
And if you're finding things hard, you know that we're right here for you too.
Alison

trying again today with distractions, but there is only so much I am finding helpful. I've bounced around on PC for the last way too many hours... tried the music again, tried the animals, tried the art... really need the crisis chats to open up because I'm once-again at the end of my resolve... ugh. this struggle seems way too intense and never-ending. Had a brief respite from it all while I slept for about an hour and a half, but it faded fast when I woke up. Still trying to remind myself I can try to get what I get from the sh in other ways, but not finding them right now is making things tough... wishing I could again talk to the people at a specific crisis center, but theri chats are not manned over the weekend, and I don't think I could make the call... speaking is infinitely more difficult than typing...

Hi ThisWayOut, it is really good that you want to reach out, but do you think you could try another crisis chat line maybe? Here's a link for some various ones you could maybe try, if you haven't already:
http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Onli...p#.U53vEmN3tco
But while you're looking just keep up as far as you can with the distractions and add whatever/anything to the list e.g. writing, walking, calling a friend.............just try doing all you can, hey? And we're here as well btw.
Alison

Thank you for those Alison. I ended up being able to nap after trying to figure out what would make it feel safe to do so (was hoping picturing my t in the room would help again, but not this time... need to teach the dogs a "cuddle" command or something because I was finally able to relax after two of them piled on me... just gotta keep wading through this until my last session with t, then will figure something else out, but don't want to screw up the little time I have left with her support. Goodbyes are really important to me, and I have to be able to say goodbye to her (as much as that thought sucks), so I can't go getting myself in trouble before the end of the month.

I checked out that link, no idea some of it existed. Thanks for sharing it. Downloaded an app that it's supposed to help with coping and such.

Just breathe, right? I can do this.

Hi, it kind of goes with anything that will help you at the time sometimes. And that may not be the same thing every time, some things "wear their usefulness" as they're used but that doesn't mean they won't work for you again another time.
And you know, it sounds like your dogs may be receptive to being taught a "cuddle command" Worth a go, right??!!
And you know you can just do what you can do, I know you're trying!! Just make the most of the last of your T's support and "Goodbye" whatever.
And whatever helps you, I know that if anyone has a shot at this, then you do with the effort you've clearly put/you're clearly putting in. It might not be an easy road, but you're definitely on it!!!
And, yes, you have it in you!!!!!!!! One day at a time, every minute/hour/day counts regardless!!!
Alison

so, I guess I figured out this weekend that the self-harm and surrounding crisis is a desperate (though mal-adaptive) attempt at gaining a sense of safety and containment (duh! but hey, I've never really thought/was able to look at it or put it all together before this weekend). Despite this new-found insight, I really can't pull myself out of the cycle. I think I managed to slow it a tiny bit, but I don't know how to stop it. I don't see my therapist until tomorrow. I need to not screw up so badly that I require a hospital visit before then. I need to stop this little spiral because I only have my T for another 2.5 weeks, and I want to be able to say goodbye properly (very important to me).
I know all these things. I can write them down and look at them a million times, but I still can't change things in the moment. I've gone from self-harming once every other day or few days a month ago, to doing it multiple times a day for the last 2-3 weeks (ironically, it got worse a few days before my T told me she was leaving)... I know I can't afford a hospitalization. I know that if I have to get medical attention for my self-harm, that I am pretty much guaranteed a hospital stay. I know hospital stays don't offer anything but containment (and are actually really traumatic for a number of reasons), yet I can't wrap my head around the consequences when the urge to cut gets so overwhelming... I still crave (and get) the release from the self-harm. I still push the limits of it because what I did 5 minutes ago is no longer helping. I try to distract, I try to look for support, but I feel like I'm too far down on this spiral to stop it effectively. It's like my brain is split in two, and there's no reasoning with the side that seems bent on this course. I can be calm and collected one minute, then something happens and I'm overwhelmed and I forget all this insight... I really don't want to screw things up, but I'm afraid I will anyway... this sucks.

i think you need to talk to a professional......

just my opinion

I see her tomorrow... I just need to make it through till tomorrow...

There's a crisis line that will do follow-up calls... do you think if I suck it up and call them, they may be open to arranging some check-in's till tomorrow? I know I have a really difficult time initiating a call, but if someone calls and asks me questions, I'm able to respond most of the time... would that be stupid of me to ask?

Hi ThisWayOut, good plan with the follow-up calls!!! Hope you've got that sorted. But remember we're not talking about you holding out for a day, and we're certainly not talking holding out for the 2.5 weeks you've got your T for.
What we are talking is you doing your absolute best for that period, OK? Now thinking in terms of a day when the urges hit, might be a bit meaningless, yes? So try to bring that down to focusing on the next 15 mins/the next half hour when they hit and then after they pass with no SI.........the next 15mins/the next half an hour..........and so on and so on. And in those times make sure you're using as many distractions/escape techniques as possible/as you need.
AND of course give yourself REAL credit as each of those timescales (and make those whatever you want) passes. Even have a reward of some kind at points you pass. Remember you're not stopping you're riding out the urges as much as you can.
And when you say you managed to slow down a tiny bit but don't know how to stop.........well I'd say you're doing exactly what you need to do towards stopping, considering the urges/how hard you're trying/how addictive it is. A little bit more/a little bit longer/a little bit less at a time and again just what you're doing in using all the coping resources you can think of that work for you. Maybe there's some more you can add, but it sounds like you're exploring that route, right?
And you know, if we're talking no lead up to it........then if you haven't already.........then if you have a "calm" moment just look at all the things you might be tempted to use and move them way out of your vicinity/get rid of some where you can inc. have plenty of "safer" alternatives more easily available e.g. rubber bands, felt markers.......you know the kind of thing.
And I'd say it's not your rationalization at fault, don't "beat yourself up" for that. While it's excellent you seem to have really good insight and it might well help you some, it is still an addiction. So it can sometimes be just as much about just doing whatever you can to try to move away from it. And seriously, your T can't fault you/think any the less of you while you're doing that.....whatever...........can they??!!
But hospitalization- that is a big one to try to avoid if you can. So great you're using the crisis lines, keep it up. Remember, as much as you need!!! Medication...........get that reviewed........with emergency appointments if needed.
And if you feel you might be at real risk go to the hospital!! Better you turn up there (to be assessed, to have medication assessed) with no or more minor injuries than ending up there with more major ones and a much bigger chance of you actually being hospitalized.
But for now, lets focus on the getting through this, do you think?? Maybe?? Bit by bit.................??
And you know we're here to support you as well, right??
Alison

I tried calling, but couldn't bring myself to ask for the follow-up calls. I'm much better on the chats, so I may head over there later to ask them that way.
I feel like the little bargains with myself to keep going for another 15 minutes each time (or however long I can engage in a distraction activity) only works for about 3 rounds... then I need something else. I'm kinda getting spent on switching things up all the time. I did agree with the person on the other end of the line that I would not cut while in the shower. Even though she will never know whenther or not I actaully do, it means a lot to me to keep my word, so I will not do it (the bathroom is a huge weakness, but I really need to shower already).
I hate this part, where I know what it is that I need, but I don't really know how else to get it. I just need to hold out till tomorrow to talk to my therapist and see where we go from there (even if it's just more bargaining with myself along the way). I don't know what to do for a reward though. You are the second person to mention that concept today, but I have nothing I could use. I'm broke, with no gas money, and we don't have anything yummy at home that I may consider a reward. Baths or showers are out because the bathroom is a "trigger" (where I sh). I just don't know what else to do. There's nothing I want to watch, or do, or really enjoy all that much. Everything like that has been listed as a coping skill lately, so it's not really any reward there.
Thanks Alison. I don't know why you are bothing to write or take any time on this, but thank you for doing that

Hi ThisWayOut,
I don't have many words today. I just wanted to check in and let you know I've been thinking about you. Keep up the good work you are doing. You are strong.

Celtic

Hi ThisWayOut, sorry not on here that long this time to put much, but just a thought on the reward thing if there's nothing you can think of/you're using everything you've got (just a shot/even if it's a long shot/got the idea from somewhere I think!!!):-
Just try getting a small notepad and on the first.....the second........the third.........page just write down:
I AM AWESOME!!! (or something like that!! ) I MADE IT.................(however many hours/days) !!!
And you know......feel it, you have managed that long, give yourself that credit!!!
And if you slip at any point, that's alright just keep those pages to remind you of your achievement (it's still an achievement, regardless), and to remind you that you have got it in you IF not again today, tomorrow, the next day, next week.........to make it that long again.......it is there in you!!!! You are stronger than you think!!!!
Anyway just a wild thought...............back later. Just try to hang in there.
Alison

How do you tell your t you failed miserably? How do you get the guts to admit that you just stopped trying?

ThisWay!!! You haven't failed miserably!!!! You know how much you tried not to, you know how long you hung on for, you know the efforts you made, and most of all you know how hard it was!!!! And trust me, I'm sure some of us have been feeling/sensing that too in you/your posting!!! So you have not failed!!!
The time/s you've held out just show your success in starting to move that little bit further away from this.
I mean sometimes expecting someone to just stop/just stop just like that/end of!! with the kind of urges you seem to be having (?) can be the equivalent of asking someone who doesn't even drive to "just get in that car and win the Grand Prix now/this minutewill you?".
I'm not saying that stopping has to be as hard as that necessarily, but the chances of it being as easy as just doing that can be way out there!!!
So don't go putting unfair expectations/blame/judgement on yourself, OK?? You are working towards stopping. You are having successes in doing that.
And maybe, you need a bit more help in stopping, nothing wrong with that!!! A few more drivers lessons?? . But that doesn't mean you can't get there, that doesn't mean you're not already on your way.
And as for stopping trying, OK........a breather, it's been really intense for you and maybe you feel it's all pointless/you're just not up to it, right???? That would be natural but maybe a little more credit for just how well you've done/just how well you're doing?????
Alison

I second what Alison said! You did NOT fail! You fought! And you fought hard! Sending big hugs to you. Try to not be so hard on yourself, OK?

Be well,

Celtic

thanks guys. I wish I could bring myself to believe you. the self-hating voice in my head just won't let up...

Hi ThisWay, I know it really isn't as easy as listening and believing..........when everything you've been feeling/believing is so much different and you are having a really hard time.
But maybe if you can find just a corner, a small part of you which could see things (things we've said?) as a "possible", even a very small possible just for starters??
And allow that to start challenging the voice in your head, just a little. Just don't let that be all there is in there.
And even look over and over (and over!!) some of the replies (let them speak to/in you a bit more?). No denying there are some pretty "smart" people on here, right??!!
But of course give yourself time to really believe/absorb it too!!!
Alison