[ThisWayOut]

I'm totally stresssing lately, and have slipped up a few times with my sh. I had been doing ok without it for a few weeks, but I can't stop thinking about it today. I'm not able to find a good alternative release right now. I was hoping to talk to someone on the crisis chats, but I waited for over an hour and still had 2 people in front of me.

I shouldn't give in, but there's no immediate accountability anyway, so it doesn't really matter anymore (one of the pit-falls of giving up sh b/c for "outside" reasons only)...

What good would come of SH? And how can you gain that without actually SHing?

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

I'm sorry things are hard for you right now

But........"I shouldn't give in, but there's no immediate accountability anyway, so it doesn't really matter anymore............" maybe no accountability to others (??) but it still matters because you matter
Maybe you're finding that hard to believe/feel right now, but you do!!

Still you're right sometimes nothing can match the release from SI, and there are no "good" alternative releases, but if you can maybe keep on and on trying "slight" even "very slight" alternative releases??
I know the urges might still be there, might even be strongly there but sometimes given time..........seriously not easy sometimes, I know but........all you can do, hey??

And it is real good that you've tried the crisis chats, good on you!!! But maybe do a bit of checking into different crisis chats........they may not be as good but just in case the one you're trying is busy, and you need to talk??
And of course if you can talk to us............

So.........you've done so well recently- a few weeks!!! Do not let what's been happening lately take that away from you, it's yours to hold onto no matter what.
Remember to stay proud of yourself for that and given time you can maybe return to that point, in fact maybe in time even beat that.
I don't know, maybe not right now, as things sound real tough for you but.........well you've done it recently so.........
And on that..........you know if you want to talk about what might have been triggering the stress you've been under, or about anything...........well we're here for you

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

What good would come of SH? And how can you gain that without actually SHing?

release. a break from the urges and body memories. relief... not really sure how else I can get it. :/

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi ThisWayOut,

I'm sorry things are hard for you right now

But........"I shouldn't give in, but there's no immediate accountability anyway, so it doesn't really matter anymore............" maybe no accountability to others (??) but it still matters because you matter
Maybe you're finding that hard to believe/feel right now, but you do!!

the sh doesn't matter... it helps, so...? I dunno. intellectually, I know I shouldn't do it. Other things are just not working right now to bring relief.

Still you're right sometimes nothing can match the release from SI, and there are no "good" alternative releases, but if you can maybe keep on and on trying "slight" even "very slight" alternative releases??
I know the urges might still be there, might even be strongly there but sometimes given time..........seriously not easy sometimes, I know but........all you can do, hey??

running out of ideas to try... it's kinda like trying to bail out a boat with a bucket while you're in the middle of a hurricane. went to the store though. that put it off for a while. maybe will try art next.

[/quote]And it is real good that you've tried the crisis chats, good on you!!! But maybe do a bit of checking into different crisis chats........they may not be as good but just in case the one you're trying is busy, and you need to talk??
And of course if you can talk to us............[/quote]

thanks... dunno of other chats around. been trying the one I know, and it's been very busy of late. this move is really stressful, and I already ended with T. can't afford to start with "new" T (really someone I had seen before and would be returning to) for at least another 6 weeks b/c I can't afford the copays and I don't want to ask for leniency on that... just stupidly stressing over too much stuff.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

"just stupidly stressing over too much stuff....."
Too much stuff to stress over can be stressful, so no stupidly about it
And a move!!! Well naturally stressful even if it does turn out to be the right thing.
I don't know if you've already written out a list of things to account for/do and scheduled things but, might help???
But the move.......finishing with your T..........and everything else........well I can understand how this must be a real hard time for you
So great idea returning to the art........either to help you relax or to have a channel to express dome of your feelings.
And you know even if you don't get to connect with someone on the crisis chats maybe you could still write out your feelings if that might give you just a little release???
And of course we'd want you to talk to us too

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

...
I dunno. I'm so lost right now.
trying to read here, trying to take in what people are saying, but can't get past the **** in my head.
I keep trying to look to the move being a good thing, but I can't see past the stress of it right now. I can't see the happy I know will be there on the other side of this.
I keep defaulting to the self-destruct line of thinking. I've been in therapy forever, learned a ****-ton of skills, and I still can't get that instinct out of my head when things are overwhelming.
This move sucks. It's not that I don't want to be with my wife. I just haven't dealt with all the loss wrapped into this move. I never seem to be able to deal with it. I try to talk about it, but then I back away way too fast and my T's have all let me. I don't know how to break down that wall and find a safe place or way to grieve all this... I just want to be able to cry and feel like it's not going to crush me. I wanted to with this last T, but she wanted to wrap our work up and not deal with any of this (it wasn't what I was going to see her for). I don;t ever know how to address it, and then it feels horrible. So I default to wanting to cut b/c that at least makes me feel better in the moment. And it's something I can control. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It ends. This never feels like it ends... and there's no control to it. I feel totally out of control with everything else. I just need something I can not feel so lost with.

I tried to talk to my wife about it, but all she hears is that she is not good enough and I don't want to be with her. That is the furthest thing from the truth... and she doesn't know how to hear that. So I can't talk to her... and it really sucks, coz I want to be able to talk to my wife about it. I have no one else in my life to talk to about it, no one that would feel safe to cry with and around... So I really just want to cut b/c that would feel better...

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

Yes, sounds like it's going to take a lot to get through to that happy waiting "on the other side". Not that, that needs to rule out trying to focus on it but sounds like you need more too??
And kind of left in limbo by your T's............is it really not a possibility to start with your new T sooner- ask for leniency??? Now might be a real good time to start with them if possible???
But the backing away from talking...........I'd say that sometimes that happens as a form of protecting ourselves........and sometimes opening up needs to happen at your own pace..........but now you're ready to/need to with the right support??
And your wife.........maybe she doesn't know enough yet of exactly how you're feeling for her to let go of her own insecurities/to see it's not about the relationship???
Do you think a letter or email might give you more scope to relate that to her??? To open the door to actual conversation???
Just try not to be alone with all of this, hey?? Keep reaching out

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

it's hard again today. trying to pack stuff, but it's just triggering the desire to cut.
reached out to the T I'm returning to, but didn't know what to say, so ended up telling her nevermind.
reached out to most recent ex-t, but felt really guilty and bad for leaving her a message (and I doubt she could understand me through my tears).
maybe cutting would just be easier and I could just function better after...

when I talked to my wife for a bit last night, all I could do was cry... so she changed the subject (and that was fine with me b/c I didn't want to cry anymore).

I think today I just need a safe person/place to cry... but there isn't one right now.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

Sounds like a very emotional day for you, I'm sorry,
And it must have raked up some really intense feelings for you, including a lot of pain.........but you know sometimes crying is a good way to express that/to let it out.........so if that's all you can do/there are very few words please don't feel bad about that or guilty about having tried to contact your ex T (that was an accomplishment!!). Now particularly is a real hard time for you
Of course the move is going to go on, these feelings can get easier, and ultimately the move could be the good thing you're hoping for but for now..........it might be one day at a time, and hopefully you can carry on trying to reach out??

As for a safe person/place to cry...........sometimes there may not be one really consistent one e.g. if chat lines are busy, if no-one's around here at the time, if your wife is finding it hard.........but there can sometimes be several places/people that amongst them over time come close to that, so please try to keep reaching out, if there's no-one/nowhere straight way, that doesn't mean there isn't going to be.

And this might not seem like much considering..........but the packing stuff.........maybe try to take breaks, step out, work out the "easiest" order for you (if there is one!), move the packed stuff out of your immediate environment e.g. into another room........just thoughts......

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

so... I suck. I caved, and it helped for a bit... now packing.
really want to cut again, but don't want it to spiral out of hand right now, so going to try to do more packing until I can't do it anymore.
knew it was a bad idea to try to call ex-t. think I pissed her off by crossing that boundary. knew I shouldn't have.
the move just needs to happen already. the container comes friday, so that will help to get stuff out of the way inside the house (there really isn't a room to pile boxes into). still unsure how to get certain things to fit in the car with us, like plants and anything we can't live without for 3 weeks. Most of the space will be taken up by the critters.
and have to figure out how to stop the cutting between now & the day my wife arrives to help with the move. she doesn't know I've been doing it, and really don't want her to find out (huge sore subject between us).
maybe I can just throw out most of the stuff we have... maybe that would make things easier...
the crying is difficult. It's very hard for me to be ok with crying, so having a safe person around would be helpful. any time my eyes start leaking, I get that terrified kid memory of being told to stop crying or I would be killed. no amount of grounding makes that feel safe if someone hears me cry...

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

First of all........you don't suck!!! Not at all!!!
You caved, but you caved under immense pressure/emotion, right??!!
You're going through a lot!!
And now I want you to count how many times before that you didn't cave, times you really wanted to, times the urges were real bad. Maybe you can't come up with a number (??) but I'm pretty certain it was a lot, right?? So lets call it a victory you held out that long, hey??!!
And now back to trying not to??? The art, distractions, talking, crisis chats, coping skills.......back to throwing everything at it/the urges you can???

"knew it was a bad idea to try to call ex-t. think I pissed her off by crossing that boundary. knew I shouldn't have"
Please try not to feel bad about reaching out
Sometimes hard to know what other peoples reactions may be, if you pissed her off (??), but reaching out..........well that is something you should feel proud about. That takes strength, courage, and that is really isn't something you should fault yourself on

The move..........should have asked you this before.........but any things you think you need to get some sort of "symbolic" closure on?? Any "goodbyes" even mentally you think you need to make (and not necessarily to people)?? before you go.
I know with some things, much easier said than done, or even impossible, but just a thought........
Think you and you're wife might need to get together with a bit of creative thinking about the actual move though..........sounds like a lot of things to fit into the car, and maybe some prioritising???
Seriously wouldn't do this "maybe I can just throw out most of the stuff we have" without talking to your wife first though
And really seriously "she doesn't know I've been doing it, and really don't want her to find out (huge sore subject between us)".........I'd say might be good to tell her before she notices, but not only that......maybe she could give you a bit of support??? Afterall she knows how upset/emotional you've been, and she's got to understand that the move along with everything else has to be really hard on you??? Because it's not just about the move, is it??!!

And the crying, again it sounds awful what you've been through ........and having people you feel safe with, comfortable with, who you trust can be so important........doesn't necessarily "heal" you from the memories, but they can help you on that journey.
And right now, as much as you can, try to be that/your voice which defies what the memories tell you, because you are so much more than those memories, you matter so much more than those memories.
But if we can offer you a little safety here............



Alison

[ThisWayOut]

thanks
You are right, there were a bunch of times I did not cave in the recent weeks. I need to remember that.
T ended up calling back the next day, and we talked. She wasn't mad at me (though I have no idea why. I was so sure she would be so pissed... or maybe that's more of the transference that is rampant in my head still). She just told me things I already knew, but it helped hearing them from her. And she was so nice, even when she didn't really have to be.

Lol, the wife half-jokingly agreed to just trash stuff. Our new place is SO small, we really do need to cut down on what we keep. She reminded me that she has lived without it for the past year, so she will be fine without it from here on out. I just need to be ok getting rid of stuff. I've gotten better at it, but my inner hoarder is kinda freaking out a bit.

I indirectly admitted to the sh via my blog (which my wife reads, though it's kinda a ****** way to tell her). If she reads it and asks if I have been cutting, I might have to tell her... gulp... I'm not looking forward to that conversation. My sh was one of the main reasons we went to couple's therapy... and now we will be alone in a car together for 2 days. o_O there's no escaping an awkward conversation should it come up (for either of us). I also kinda told her about some of the csa memories I had been processing with ex-t. The wife will be the only non-therapist person to know about that... and a deeper conversation around that might happen in the car also.

I keep reminding myself of ex-t's words the other day, and that I will be returning to a supportive & safe environment after this move... I just need to get there.

The closer the move, the higher the panic, flashbacks, sh urges, anticipation, excitement, saddness, happiness... ugh! It's SO confusing.

Keeping the sh in check amidst all this is really difficult. sh is easier than crying, and brings more relief in the moment. But I know the crying is probably the healthier option.

And right now, as much as you can, try to be that/your voice which defies what the memories tell you, because you are so much more than those memories, you matter so much more than those memories.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that... I don't have much other than the memories. Even in my adult life (of which I have significantly more memories, especially + ones), it's all so tainted by that other life... it all feels far and fake and like someone else's life...

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

At last, the move you've been waiting for!!!
I know it isn't going to make everything "better"/make everything "go away" and it will have it's "challenges", it may not be "easy", but hoping it will eventually turn to the positive move you've been hoping it will be

And the size of the place..........well maybe much easier to clean
One of the good things about "downsizing" though.........is it brings more focus on the items that hold some meaning/value to you and less so on the superfluous items you gather. And kind of a fresh start.

Really good that the contact with your T went well though........sometimes people understand/care more than we think they might........and especially so if you're more used to the kind of people in your life who are pretty limited on those things. I know you've had some of those kind of people in your life

And good you're kind of prepared to open up to your wife. Sometimes the most awkward conversations can lead to being the most "connecting" conversations.
And try not to see it as much as "admitting"..........but more as sharing..........and sharing your thoughts/feelings too..........

Real mix of emotions now though, hey?? That's understandable
I don't know if it would help but maybe you could set yourself some goals to focus on?? And they can be anything.........from not SI'ing for x amount of time, to researching different coping skills (even if nothing particular stands out), to planning on phoning someone/anyone at x time, to organizing something for the move, to researching/planning particular things you might do when you get there. Even if they do nothing else/go nowhere else but give you temporary distractions, it may be something.

And another affirmation.........it is OK to cry
Completely understand if that doesn't really help, but maybe the more and more you hear it, the more you can tell yourself, the more you can very slowly feel it/even very slowly allow yourself just a little...........just had to throw it in once more for you.
Afterall, still some "stuff" to work on/through...........but please don't stop reaching for help with that.



Alison

[ThisWayOut]

I keep going through bouts of really intense urges to sh... and crazy hopelessness. I need this holiday to be over with. I need my wife here so we can get this move over with. I don;t want more goodbyes. I'm spent. I'm so tired. I just want it all done. I want to feel safe and secure and stable again (not in mental health terms, but in actual life terms. I want my life not so up in the air as it is mid-move...).
Think I need ot go hide in bed and cry for a bit. I packed for a short while, but I feel stalled on it. Then a friend stopped by, and I lost all motivation to do anything. I wanted to do some art journaling, but I packed most of my supplies... :/
Want to talk to ex-t, but know that we are done, and also that it's a holiday...
The other friend I was supposed to hang with wants to maybe go to fireworks, but I'm not all poitive I want to go.
I SO HATE GOODBYES!!!!!!! I hate endings and losses and feeling more worthless than usual.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

I know that things might seem "all over the place" for you right now, and transitions are massive and particularly so in your circumstances........sometimes it seems like there's no right way to go/nothing that you can do to make it right/"feel right"
And I know the SH is something/one of the few things you can control right now, something you know might give relief.........but it is just temporary relief, right??
And you know that the urges are still going to return (maybe even stronger) if..........., and the pain/hurt.........is still going to be there afterwards if...........
So as much as you can hold off, hey??
The "goodbyes"...........they aren't going to wipe out how important the friendships have been to you, nothing can take that away if you want to hold that close, that and the positive memories...........the positive feelings you've felt. They're still there to be added to in time. And some of those friendships/your feelings can still be foundations for future friendships/allowing more "good" people into your life.
And right now, enough packing, hey?? Give yourself a bit of a break
And if you need to.........."I need to go hide in bed and cry for a bit"..........then that's not a "weakness", that's completely understandable and even possibly a natural reaction you may need to allow yourself to do
The immediate hours........day..........could you unpack your art supplies??? If so I'd say do it..........if not, then there's no question you're naturally talented/versatile, so perhaps have a go at switching to pencil or pen drawings/expressions??? That and whatever else you can drag your focus onto until the move???
Plus keep reminding yourself it is "just" a matter of time until the move..........it might not go quickly, it might not go easily..........but it is about time, and it will get there. There can be something "better" on the other side.



Alison

[ThisWayOut]

the wife will be her in 2.5 hours. I can barely concentrate on anything, certainly not any packing.
I'm beginning to think the sh urges are triggered by any strong emotion, because right now I want to despite being happy (maybe it's in response to the anxiety of having to wait longer till she get here b/c she missed her original flight)...

And I know the SH is something/one of the few things you can control right now, something you know might give relief.........but it is just temporary relief, right??
And you know that the urges are still going to return (maybe even stronger) if..........., and the pain/hurt.........is still going to be there afterwards if...........
So as much as you can hold off, hey??

thinking about this statement, aren't all coping skills just temporary? eventually, we have to utilize them again, be they "healthy" or "unhealthy" ones... Just something I was thinking about... not a criticism or anything. It's just funny how we use this phrase to try to prevent the use of more maladaptive skills, but we also use it to remind people to keep trying the more socially acceptable ones. hmm...

I tried to work on my journal a bit last night, but I kept stalling. I even dragged out some of the supplies I had packed. I just couldn't get unstuck. I wanted to do somethign creative, but it all stalled in my pencil. Oh well. It's all good. The wifey is almost here!!!!!!!!!!!

amazing what being around someone you love can do for your mood and coping (though it doesn;t always work this way, at the moment it is).

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut,

Really pleased for you that the time has come at last

And you're right.........I'd agree all coping skills can be temporary, either you need to revisit them........need to not stop using them, or need to find other things to replace them when.......and you know I'm not judging you on the SI, on the need, or on how much relief it can bring anyway Not at all
Just be good if some more "healthy" options could gradually replace that, right??

And.........hope the final stage of the move goes well for you!!

Best wishes.



Alison