[akekaomen]

In therapy, it seems to be coming up more and more that the way I am reacting comes from the emotional abuse I received as a child. I'm only beginning to face this and for a long time refused to even think about the idea that I was emotionally abused.

The problem I'm really having now is that I feel like my identity is in question. It's like everything I've done and still do is a reaction to that abuse (even pre-verbal beliefs of worthlessness). Basically I feel like if I address the emotional issues, then maybe I'm not the same person. Maybe if I change from coping with the world as someone who was emotionally abused, I'll find I'm not the same person because the way I coped defines so much of me.

It seems stupid to worry like this and maybe I'm making it up. I don't even know if I'm describing this right. I guess it's like I don't know who I am. I'm afraid to just sit with myself and even try to process my childhood. It's even harder when I see may kids going through things that trigger something in me. I get all depressed.

I thought I was just depressed with a lot of anxiety. Now I'm really the product of emotional neglect and emotional bullying. And now so many relationships I have especially at work are looking like this same thing. A bully and the one who can protect (my boss) neglects. I seek attention which is actually the reason why I worked hard, so if I don't care about the attention, I don't really care about working hard...This is just strange and confusing to me emotionally.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you are doing good work! You are under all of those burdensome issues that you are carrying. There is a much better world waiting for you. I can understand being afraid of change. You must get some security from familiarity. Keep moving forward and be kind to yourself. We will support you here.

[shezbut]

(((akekaomen)))

I understand what you're saying.

It is disturbing to see these patterns that we developed SO young, to avoid further conflict, have been repeated throughout our lives. For me, the disturbing part is to recognize that these patterns aren't real healthy. They worked, way back when. But they aren't working for me now. {That's something my T often mentions in therapy}

It is a sad fact to accept. Nor is it an easy pattern to end. Recognizing the pattern is an important first step. Moving on from there and deciding how to change has been confusing for me. Maybe because I'm tempted to stick with the way I've known??

It does help me to come to PC and see others farther down the road than myself. Kind of a hope ~ to see that things can get better. Just have to keep working at it.

Best wishes to you!

[Open Eyes]

(((((((akekaomen))))))))

Oh akekaomen, you have a very good question and you really presented it correctly, and it is a genuine concern that comes with victims that are describing some of the symptoms of PTSD. Though so many think that in order to have this issue there needs to be some form of sexual abuse, it is just not the case.

"I BELIEVE YOU" and your feelings are "JUSTIFYABLE". What you are describing are very real concerns and I can tell you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I have been battling PTSD as well and I can truely relate to your concerns and feelings of confusion about your own personal identity. And the feeling that by recognizing the may ways you have managed to overcome the neglect and verbal abuse you received from an early age right up into the present time threatens your sense of self is very common.

And the anxiety and confusion and even feelings of depression are all the symptoms of coming to terms with how you actually formed many ways of self protection methods that you may not have truely, consciously been aware of. And becoming consciously aware of all the methods you have adapted in your past can lead anyone to feel extremely vulnerable and confused. And I want to personally comfort you by telling you that you are not alone in this struggle. And, this struggle is more common than you think, so take a deep breath and from now on keep this very fact in mind.

First and foremost I want to assure you that you are NOT going to lose your identity by allowing yourself to see your personal coping methods that you have formed throughout your life. And I also want you to understand that whatever coping methods you have developed as a result from dealing with any abusive actions that were put in your personal path are not a sign of any kind of "Personal Failure". And just because you are going to look back and identify those methods and why they formed does not mean that it will expose you to losing the ability to protect yourself from further abuse in the here and now.

What you are really doing is you are standing in a threshold of what is often described as a "reality check" and what that means is that you have come to a point in your life where you need to learn what works for you in what you already know and what can work for you better by evaluating what you have used in your past and how to "LEARN" why you needed to use those old methods and "HOW" you can learn "NEW" healthier "COPING METHODS".

There are situations in your past where you were "UNFAIRLY TREATED" and each time that happened it "TRUELY THREATENED YOUR SENSE OF SELF WORTH" as well as "A TRUE SENSE OF FEELING SAFE, AND HAVING AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE YOU TRUELY FELT SECURE AND WORTHY AS A HUMAN BEING". And you truely need to know that you are "NOT ALONE IN FACING THIS".

When you sit with your therapist and discuss your childhood and how others threatened your sense of self esteem and personal value, you are beginning a journey to true "self awareness" and you will finally be able to express the things in your past that truely troubled you. And when you do that you will be reminded of the emotions that you hid in order to protect yourself which is a "NORMAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND FUNCTION TO COMBATING ABUSE".

As you go through this process you will uncover a lot of emotions and moments where you were very frightened and truely did not know what to do and did question your self worth. But in "NO WAY" will it take away the essense of "YOU" and "YOUR PERSONAL WORTH". That is not what this therapy will be about for you, there is not going to be a "PERSONAL DISMANTLING OF YOU".

As someone who is also undergoing this process I can tell you with my deepest sympathy that you did not deserve to feel that you were in any way unworthy or insignificant as a human being. And I will tell you that I have had to personally morn the things that I have experienced in my past that truely troubled me and made me frightened, insecure and extremely vulnerable. And I do understand how very difficult this time you are now taking is going to be for you on a very personal level.

And though it may seem that you are entering and even in a tunnel surrounded by an abundance of emotions that are troubling and hard to control or understand, "THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL". Up until this point in your life "YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD AND ANYTHING YOU DID WAS ALL YOU KNEW HOW TO DO". And any sense of insecurity, fear, low self esteem, you may have about yourself "IS NOT YOUR FAULT" and "YOU DO DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE, HAVE BETTER COPING METHODS AND FIND NEW WAYS TO ACCOMPLISH A TRUE SENSE OF SELF WORTH AND A PERSONAL SENSE OF SECURITY. And you do "DESERVE" to have the support you "NEED" to find your right as a human being to "LIVE A PRODUCTIVE LIFE".

You are not alone (((((akekaomen))))) there are others here at PC that understand this difficult journey and the necessity for a support system to help you through this tunnel. You deserve to know that you "ARE IMPORTANT" and you do deserve to find ways to help "YOU" find the personal sense of safety you "TRUELY DESERVE".

Open Eyes

[skeksi]

It's like everything I've done and still do is a reaction to that abuse (even pre-verbal beliefs of worthlessness). Basically I feel like if I address the emotional issues, then maybe I'm not the same person. Maybe if I change from coping with the world as someone who was emotionally abused, I'll find I'm not the same person because the way I coped defines so much of me.

This is SO well-stated!

I also feel like the abuse I experienced has shaped me in MASSIVE ways. On the other hand, I have recently talked about a lot of positive events from my history with my T to try to put things in perspective. I am able to see now that the abuse shaped me, but so did other things. And as a matter of fact, some of the ways the abuse shaped me are things I value about myself, like my sensitivity and compassion.

Your concern makes so much sense to me. I think the change that happens in T is often not about changing who we are, but how we see ourselves. It's a big risk to see ourselves more positively, after such negative experiences.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I thought I was just depressed with a lot of anxiety.

But, about what? We don't spring full-grown into adulthood, our own people; we're built out of all our experiences and our responses to them. You know how you think thoughts and dream about things you don't know where they "came" from? They all come from us, and all of us is there, trying to be helpful and let us know what is going on with us, who we are. Right now you just happen to be concentrating on some good, hard, full-time therapy work to access some of the stuff that has been around but hasn't been looked at yet because you were too young, didn't have the experience/"words" or wherewithal to work with it yet.

[akekaomen]

Thanks all for the encouragement. I'm still trying to keep from pushing this all into the denial category again. It's hard even taking time to process things. I'm in this strange stage that I've pushed away from before. It is leaving me less effective in everything, so I'm a little scared it will hurt me at work. Since I'm the only one with an income in my family, it's hard to work on these things in depth and still live life.

All of my instincts are put into question, which makes me feel uneasy. Therapy is hard for this because it's always been one of those things that after the hour, I have to go right back to work and not have time to process anything. I just don't know how long it takes for it to sink in (I've been fighting accepting and realizing this since I was diagnosed with depression over 13 years ago). I'm also so disassociated with my childhood that it's hard to come up with specific situations of good or bad. Almost everything is vague feeling with some mixed up details.

Anyway, I appreciate having people understand what I said even if I'm not sure I understand it.

[Astridetal]

I can relate to a lot of your issues. People like therapists constantly say you'll be a better version of yourself after treatment, but I wonder about who I am and whether it's all shaped by the hurting too. However, therapy is not meant for changing who you are, it's for changing how you cope. Which is only part of who you are. And if you feel a particular way of relating to the world or whatever is fine for you, then you can say not to address that in therapy. But I can understand you aren't sure if this maybe.

[akekaomen]

I've got a long road ahead I guess. I've been reading a little about therapy styles for adult survivors of emotional abuse. Basically everything is just about a lot of work. I have to undo what my stupid parents did. I also have been working hard to break the cycle with my kids, but that was for obvious things I knew about. Now I'm touching on things I don't even know are there yet, so I've already messed up as a father (especially for my 11 year old. My 4 year old still has time for me to fix things). I really worked hard to break the cycle of putting down my kids/blaming them like my father did, but I don't know about other things that may be hurting them. This really is a lot to take in. My next T appointment is later this week, so we'll see how I can work on processing things, but it doesn't just happen in one session.

[Sannah]

Great work ake!

[Maria38Divine]

It's great that you're trying to break the cycle of abuse by making changes to the way you treat your children. As a product of childhood emotional abuse, the one thing I've learned is everyone has a voice and wants to be able to express themselves and feel at ease while doing so. I think one of the best things you can do as a dad is to let your children know they can come talk to you without facing a harsh judgment or they can "mess up" ocassionally and not have it held against them for an eternity. It'll take time (especially for your 11 year old) to maybe feel comfortable with you again, but keep at it. For many years during my childhood I was referred to as the "devil's child". How's that for building self esteem? If the parent who kept saying it had even apologized and tried to make things right, maybe today I wouldn't be struggling this hard to understand who I really am or wonder who I could have been if I wasn't beat down emotionally for so many years.

[Open Eyes]

akekaomen,
You don't have to rush anything. You should just work on it a little at a time, I totally understand the work responsibility and you have to take care of that.

As far as the 11year old is concerned, it is never too late to tell that child you love her/him.

When my daughter was little I spanked her and I hated how I felt afterwards. I thought about what I was really teaching her. I felt I was teaching her that hitting solved problems and so I used a punishment spot where she had to sit and wait and then I would make her tell me what she did wrong and appologize. And it worked just as effectively. But I did sit down with her and her father and I said, there will be no hitting in this house, that is not the way we will solve things in our home. And everyone agreed.

There is no reason why you cannot go to your older child and sit and talk to that child and say to that child, "I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I do know that I love you and I do want to be a good parent to you, what do you think you may need that I am not giving you for support so that you feel better about our relationship?"

It is not always about what you didnt do right, no parent is perfect. But you can do right from now on and what that truely does is teach your children that there is always room for improvement in a relationship. What do you want them to expect as adults, because whatever you do is what they will accept being treated as in a marriage or any other relationship.

Think about what you have accepted of yourself and how you do things from your parents, what might have happened if they recognized their error and made changes and respected you more when you were 11? Children need to learn personal growth and developement, how to accept change and even make changes in themselves, believe me they are watching. It is definitely not too late.

Some of your own issues can be eased by making changes that are positive with your children. Dont carry guilt, work with them and they will be so very grateful.

Open Eyes

[akekaomen]

The good news is that I have always made it a point to tell both of my daughters I love them and be affectionate. I don't remember ever being told that by my parents and I want my kids to hear it a lot from me. I've done that since my oldest was born.

I think now I need to get away from my escapist activities on weekends and spend more time with the kids. Even if it's just going for a walk or playing games. I don't find these things interesting, but my kids aren't about me, they will grow up and affect another generation. I can still go into my escapist world on weekends for brief periods I think and still feel less stressed. This is of course all what I say...we'll see how I do.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I think now I need to get away from my escapist activities on weekends and spend more time with the kids.

Excellent plan! Keep us updated on how it goes?

[Neapolitano]

It may seem that the problem is too big for you to handle, but maybe that's because you see all of it together. Try addressing each of your problems one at a time, with little steps rewarding yourself for each step forward you make. Be proud of yourself. At times you may feel that you have so many feelings coming in all at once, that it is often difficult to distinguish them. What you should try to do is live in the here and now and focus on what is relevant in the present. Then when you encounter a problem that triggers a feeling, at that moment you should address that sensation, process it, come to terms with it and eventually reject it, if it is exceedingly negative or pointless. Have courage.

[happy101]

Yes, me too.My 'experinece ' has made me find the most incredible kind souls.I am very kind and compassionate and always do a charity project , currently i cook and feed the homeless on saturday night. I help alot of people and I'm happy.

The confusion kics in when people who know my abuser (mother) ask me questions about her and actually feel they are being nice to me by remembering my mother.(yikes) some even try to make me see my mother as a Godly thing to do.Now heres where I draw the line!So in this new life I have I choose everything I do and feel. I just become stronger and stronger as I pray for this kind of help and strengh.

Im rambling.Im sorry.I think you're great in your approach

Originally Posted by skeksi

This is SO well-stated!

I also feel like the abuse I experienced has shaped me in MASSIVE ways. On the other hand, I have recently talked about a lot of positive events from my history with my T to try to put things in perspective. I am able to see now that the abuse shaped me, but so did other things. And as a matter of fact, some of the ways the abuse shaped me are things I value about myself, like my sensitivity and compassion.

Your concern makes so much sense to me. I think the change that happens in T is often not about changing who we are, but how we see ourselves. It's a big risk to see ourselves more positively, after such negative experiences.

[akekaomen]

Things are getting harder at different times for me. The problem is that my depression is interfering with everything. When in therapy, any attempts to find out things from my past are nearly impossible because no matter how hard I try, I can't remember many actual events. It's all pre-cognitive in a sense. This just forces me to deal with general coping skills, which aren't really working because my feelings of complete lack of value come from this pre-cognitive thing. I just keep coming back to the idea that my abuse must be neglect. I have a few memories of some incidents, but most of my stuff is just an emotion that I can only link to a time/age range and maybe a general place (school, home, etc...). It's like I didn't really exist if you know what I mean.

All of this of course affects me around others. I get really mad hearing about other people's problems at work including those who work for me and with me a lot. It takes all I can to fake concern/caring. On top of that, I constantly feel like my own manager and others are out to get me - set me up to show I am incompetent. I can fight this sometimes because I know the history is not there. I've done just fine at work before even when my depression was at its worst.

It might just be that today is a bad day and I'm in bad space. I'd take the day off from work, but I'm out of sick/vacation time due to a partial hospitalization. What's worse is my written self-appraisal is due today in preparation for my general job appraisal. I certainly don't feel like advocating for myself in writing.

[Sannah]

Hi Ake, I'm sorry that you are struggling. Have you started on your job appraisal yet?

[akekaomen]

I've been working on it today and won't have it done today. It will just have to be OK that it is finished tomorrow because I do not want to short-change myself. I think the key here is to remember I'm not a child and don't have to wait for someone to protect me. I can protect myself and speak up for myself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I think the key here is to remember I'm not a child and don't have to wait for someone to protect me. I can protect myself and speak up for myself.

I like!!

[98769876]

Ake, Thanks so much for your post. I feel I can really relate to the "identity in question." I've been in therapy off and on for 15 years--at first for eating disorders, depression, and self-mutilation. For about the first 10 years all of my answers to questions were some form of "I'm stupid" or "I don't know why I did that...I'm just stupid." I had a very deep self-hatred and also felt like I didn't know who I was or what I liked. When I finally started to consider that some things that had happened in my past weren't my fault and began to realize what a controlling effect those things had upon me I feel like I finally started to heal a bit. After moving away from (physically...going to live in another part of the country) an area with a lot of triggers I started to feel even better. It has been painful to sort through at times, and I've often avoided thinking about it. However, when I look back at my life and see all the self-destructiveness, implosions, and places I've prevented myself from doing anything good for myself it makes me sad to think that I've let the past continue to have so much control over me. I'm tired of leaving jobs, leaving friendships, and not finishing school. I know some part of me has more to offer the world, I hope.

I'm now at the place where I really want to get better and have a life. I've started taking medication consistently to help with depression. It may seem weird, but I feel it has really helped me separate "me" from what I thought was "me" (the second "me" being all the things that were beat into my head as a child). It has been good, but somewhat scary and draining to try and figure out what I really think and feel and not let my abusers continue to have that control. I am determined, though, and want to work through things. I don't know how long it will take or if it will even work--but I'm working on it.

Sorry this isn't really much of a response to anything or any type of a question. I just identified with your post--which sucks in a way because I know that things can't be particularly easy for you, then. Keep working at it. I think you'll find you like the you that is discovered in the process.

[akekaomen]

Originally Posted by 98769876

Sorry this isn't really much of a response to anything or any type of a question. I just identified with your post--which sucks in a way because I know that things can't be particularly easy for you, then. Keep working at it. I think you'll find you like the you that is discovered in the process.

What is more important is that we can assure one another that we are not alone in our feelings. This makes a difference and is a major reason why I posted this. I am also happy for anyone to express their own feelings on this topic and even ignore my original post so that we can see that we are not alone.

[2isbetterthan1]

I agree with exactly how you feel. I started taking medication a few months ago and I feel like I grew closer to the real me. The me I want to be. My mind is clearer and I am pretty stable. First time in my life.