[lilredridinghood]

My husband of 13 years has always been abusive in one way or another. I haven't had my eyes blackened shut, so he thinks he is not so bad. He is a loud, mean, abnoxious person. He used to push me around a lot. He abused our children. Why did I ever stay? My oldest daughter from my first marriage hates him most of the time. Our youngest daughter hate the way he is. They have had many terrible times with him as their father. I haven't been such a good mother, either. I think he hurt me and I took it out on them sometimes. Now, I feel numb.

Sometimes I feel like I have screwed up my kids so bad. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. He doesn't put his hands on us anymore. After he attempted suicide when I wanted a divorce a few years ago, he promised to never hurt us again. He has a few times. I cannot understand why I am still here?

I found some old letters yesterday. I used to be so different than I am now. I wonder what happened to me? Why didn't I stay true to my own beliefs? I think I know why. He would tell me I had already trashed one marriage, I was a quitter and a turncoat. My first husband I married when I was 17 and he cheated on me.

I hate him and everything he represents.

I am also to blame in this. I know. I've lived it. I have a sharp tongue and have said extremely cruel things to him. SOmetimes I wonder if it was because I had no other weapon. He is much bigger than me. Or if I am just mean too. Probably so.

My oldest daughter hates me for not leaving, but doesn't want her life to change. My youngest can go either way too.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm scared as usual. He convinces me that I am crayz and I have done many abusive things to him. When he says it it sounds true.

I just wish I could go back and pack up my babies before he scarred them.

you are never to blame for this type of abuse - never never never don't ever blame yourself. only you can make the decision on what to do next, i wish you all the luck in the world

love, jinnyann xoxoxoxo

It's not easy to leave someone even in an abusive relationship.

After he attempted suicide when I wanted a divorce a few years ago, he promised to never hurt us again.

I'm sure that the attempted suicide makes it even harder to leave him.

Why do you stay? I'm sure your reasons are in a blur making them harder to see if they are really important or not.

Try to stay as safe as you can until you make up your mind.

I understand!
Much love!

[sujunew]

(((((lilredridinghood)))))
you can only leave when YOU are ready to do so. It took me 8yrs of abuse and 2 brief separations (one of 6 weeks, one of 5 months) before I finally became a single parent to my 2 girls in March last year. Before then I was like you- feeling guilty about my part in the relationship- like you I use my mouth to fight as he was much stronger than me, and I couldn't contemplate sorting anything out for myself or even being able to 'make it' on my own. As it was, this time I refused to leave the house, so had he not finally given in and moved out he quite possibly would still be here today. The way I stopped the physical abuse was when I was 3mths pregnant with my 1st and finally called the cops. It never stopped the verbal and emotional abuse, and now he is trespassed from my place as he continues to abuse me, but being away from it all has helped me grow into a much better person. It has also helped my daughters- I didn't realise how much it was hurting them until it was all over. They are still young- 3 & 7, but there has been a significant impact on them. My littlest has gone from a scared clingy developmentally delayed child to an (overly) confident happy, DEFINITELY NOT devpmtly delayed child. There have been non-stop positive comments from 100% of ppl who see me on how well I am doing and the changes in the girls. But as I said, I didn't leave when I SHOULD have, it happened when I was strong enough and ready to cope with life on my own. (He also had several overdoses which were, in hindsight, him kinda punishing me and making me sit up and take notice and run around after him). I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, and please feel free to PM me if you wanna talk, or ask anything, or just offload . Irish

[Juliana]

(((ridinghood))))

Don't blame yourself for this. You can't go back and change the past. You have never and will never DESERVE to be abused.

I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I've seen what those relationships have done to those around me. My aunt lived with an abusive sexual sadist for many years. He is the father of her son. He broke down her sense of self and it took her many years and a lot of bravery to finally escape from him. She had to run away to another province and change her name to get away from him. Even the police were afraid of him and did nothing to stop him. He ended up abusing his next girlfriend and their children as well and she actually ended up shooting him while he was sleeping.

My aunt came back here after he died and it was the first time she felt safe in many, many years. She ended up in another abusive relationship, though. Having been so beaten down for so long, she didn't think she deserved better. There is hope, though. She went to a women's shelter, got counselling and learned to accept that she deserves better. She has now been married for many years to a man who respects her and treats her very well -- the way she deserves to be treated.

I've seen what abuse does to a person's mind. Don't let your husband convince you that any of it is your fault. It's not your fault. Neither you nor your children have deserved the abuse. No one has the right to hurt you. So what if you have a sharp tongue? So do I, but that doesn't mean it's okay for anyone to treat me badly. The same goes for you. I'm glad you're talking about it now. I hope you can find the strength within yourself to get some help and leave. You and your children deserve happiness. You deserve to feel free and safe.

[lilredridinghood]

I just woke up as he came creeping in the door. He instantly looks disgusted when he sees me. We got in a fight over stupid stuff a few days ago and he just didn't come home according to him. He is a truck driver and I never know where he is.

He says that I am never considerate of his feelings. He always dumps it all on me like that. I think he hates himself and he takes it out on everyone else.

I think I've stayed for different reasons. I've never had a home to live in, my parents got us kicked out time after time when I was a child, He convinced me that he was the only person who had ever taken care of me.

And like I said before, I am mean myself. I have been very cruel to him and I think I feel it's partly my fault. The only way I can get past that is when I think about how this all started. He was a jealous, controlling, abusive man from the very start. He isolated me from everyone and took our car to work everyday. We didn't even have a phone. If I wanted the car, it was a huge fight because he didn't want to deal with me and 2 kids getting ready to go. So, he would be so rude and grouchy, (hostile is a better word) we'd just stay home.

You know what's weird? When we were younger, I was usually able to reason with him and he would atleast see my side of things. But, over the years, he has taken my verbal skills and used them against me to convince me that I am just as terrible as he is.

After the attempted suicide, I was out of my mind. My exhusband came around and tried to intervene. (but he has his issues too) He wanted me to leave with him. This infuriated my husband and he now tells me I am also a slut who cheated on him. My ex hadn't been around for years because my husband couldn't deal with me having an ex around.

You see, my husband also has many other issues. He was diagnosed as Bipolar, but he refuses it completely. When he attempted suicide, he was on antidepressants and blames me for making him see a doctor in the first place. He had been violent and publicly embarassing and was acting out sexually. It didn't matter that he had almost pushed it that far before. It was the medication according to him.

We are just so different. He is a racist, sexist, bully.

[Juliana]

I lived with a guy who was bipolar but wouldn't get treatment. I know what a roller coaster that can be. Fortunately, he wasn't abusive towards me.

You need to find the strength to get away from your husband. The title of this thread makes it sounds like you think you HAVE to stay. It sounds like since you decided to stay at one point, you consider it a done deal -- a permanent situation. It doesn't have to be permanent, though. I can only imagine how hard it is, but I hope you can find the strength to get some help. Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at a women's shelter? You're worth more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve better. It sounds like your husband has taken away a lot of your belief in yourself, but the fact that you're writing about it shows that you recognize it's a bad situation and you're terribly unhappy. Only you can takes steps to make things better. It's so hard to take those steps, but when we make our own happiness a priority, it can give us strength. Sometimes you need to do it one little step at a time. Other times, a quick move is best. You need to decide what's best for you. I hope you find the strength to get out of your current situation.

i used to work in a psych hospital and we would have occasional patients from women's shelters. NO ONE deserves to be abused. i've never had one woman tell me anything bad enough for me to believe that she needed to have the crap beaten out of her or screamed and yelled at.

i also picked up on what Juliana said, you sound as if you've given up and you're just going to stay. please don't. it isn't going to get better. it's going to get a lot worse. look around you for resources. save what you can. find the nearest shelter. make plans. you have to plan leaving. and you need an ally. a counselor in a shelter will talk to you and listen.

please take care of yourself and keep us updated........xoxoxo pat

[sabby]

(((((((((((((lilred)))))))))))))

How similar your story sounds to mine. While reading your posts, the flood of memories that came back to me nearly knocked me off my chair. It’s not a bad thing they came back. As a matter of fact, I think it’s good for me to remember where I was and how far I’ve come since I was able to break free from the prison I was living in.

It took me 14 years to gather the strength and knowledge I needed to get out of my situation. My children and I suffered terribly during those years, and unfortunately still do at times. But, I would rather help them with their struggles now than to have lived another moment in time with our abuser. We can be healed, and what we learned from those times will be used to make our lives better, not worse in the long run.

The ex was also a truck driver. He was an alcoholic. There wasn’t a day during our marriage (and I use that term loosely) that didn’t go by without abuse from him. Whether it was physical, mental or emotional, it happened every single day. When a person lives under the umbrella of abuse for so long, they begin to believe their abuser and what is told to them about how rotten a person you are, how insignificant you are, how terrible and inconsiderate you are to their needs. You have to realize that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do right. No matter if you are doing everything they tell you they want you to do, it will NEVER be right. They will find fault with everything. It is their way of CONTROLLING you. They will literally and figuratively beat you down to the point of feeling like you are nothing more than “pond scum”. You begin to rationalize his behavior. You will make excuses in your mind for their behavior like, “if I only did it right, he wouldn’t be so angry”, or “if I was a better person to him, he wouldn’t drink so much”. It doesn’t matter how much you realize in your mind that he is wrong and that you are being abused, the hold they have over you is stronger with every passing moment that you stay in that situation.

There is also a great amount of fear instilled in us. The fear of not being able to make it on our own, no money to survive, no place to live, no support from the outside world stops us from making the decision to leave. This brings to mind the old adage, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know”. Even though our lives can be turned upside down on a minute to minute basis sometimes, the fear of NOT knowing what would happen to us and our children should we leave is a far greater fear than staying with the abusive individual.

I also remember that I had to feel in my mind and my heart that I did everything I possibly could to make the marriage work, and that I tried to help him the best I could to get help for his problems. Once I felt in my heart that all had been done, there was nothing more I could do, then and only then was I able to plan our escape.

There are many agencies out there that will help abused women and children escape their situations. It will not be easy. Nothing like this ever is. The important thing to remember is that you would be taking steps to a better life. Even though there is fear there about the unknown, I found that after I made the initial step forward, many doors opened up for me to heal and grow and become successful WITHOUT him in our lives. With each step I took to become free and independent of him, my self confidence grew, my peace of mind grew and my eyes opened. The learning and healing began immediately. My strength began to return little by little. Even though I had to depend on other folks now and again for help, I realized the biggest and best help I received was from myself, for I finally realized that I was NOT everything he told me I was, I was BETTER than that! I will never regret those steps I took to free ourselves from that prison.

I’m sorry this post was so long. I felt compelled to tell you that you are not alone in your battle. I am so very sorry that you and your children are suffering. You are welcome to pm me anytime and I will be happy to help you in any way I can. I wish you and your children well in your journey. Know that I care and you are in my prayers.

Gentle Hugs
J

Very good reply (((((((Sabau))))))))

Ohhhhhh... I wish I could be there to help.... you are not alone.... ANYTIME you wish to "talk" please feel free to PM me. It feels like you are telling my story... There are so many reasons why you have stayed, why I stayed.... reasons that are diffcult for the rest of the world to understand.... NO ONE EVER deserves to be abused no matter what.... ever...

I was terrified of my husband, he'd tried to kill me before... and I saw what he did to his first ex-wife (after we were married). She suffered terribily. I thought that I was absolutely worthless (I'm not). The only thing that I could think of after 12 years of marriage was to call a therapist - it took many cancelled appointments, and false trys before I made it there. I kept it a secret, went at lunch and they promised not to send a bill ever to my home...I went for a whole year before I could even think of leaving. He had so beaten me down I didn't think I could ever make it on my own. He told me that I was so horrible that no one BUT him could ever put up with me or love me - that I was unloveable - I believed him. (I had no home to run back to).

So I can just imagine what you are going thru with no support. And the fact that he attempted sucide...more manipulation..
So why did we stay, cause they "try" to take away everything from us.... but they don't really....

If you decided to leave, pls accept my advice - plan, plan, plan... (don't even tell your children).... after much couseling and helping other women.... the most time to be concerned is during the leaving and right after...

I worked with a women, that had just had a baby, she had lived in an abusive marriage for 7 years... He used to sleep with a gun in the bed with them so that if she tried to leave - well that "he would take care of it". She went to a women's support group in secret for a long time before she took the plunge and left... she planned, planned, planned... too so that she was safe when she made the move.. she went to a series of safe houses... He was also depressed and treatened sucide... but she felt that it was his life and if that is what he choose - that he was responsible for his descion.

So we all stay in our marriages for reasons.....The effects of martial abuse is so complicated.

Bless you,
freewill

[sabby]

(((((((((((Freewill))))))))))))

You are so right about the planning. When you know what to do and where to go, the fear of leaving is diminished and there is more of a comfort level there. The stress is so high at that time and you need to know exactly what you are doing.

There are so many reasons why we stayed.....unless you go through something like this, no one can truly understand what we do. People will say "I would never take that kind of abuse, I would leave immediately!" What they don't understand is that the manipulation and degredation starts way before the real physical abuse starts in. These men who profess to love us are so well versed in manipulation that we don't even see it coming before it's too late and some heavy damage is already done. Women being the nurturers that we are will almost always make excuses for their behaviors and believe them when they say they are sorry and it will never happen again. Lies, all lies.

Complicated doesn't begin to explain the marital abuse. But, there is always hope and always a way out of those situations. Plan plan and plan some more! Words to live by!

Hugssssss
J

[untold27]

this hit home for me a little.

my father is an alcoholic (recovering). there would be nights when i would wake up and my parents would be fightening. he'd hit her. she denys it now. everytime they separated, she'd take him back. she bailed him out of jail the last time. he, also, has a way of making you feel as though no matter the situation, it is your fault. he gave me a bloody nose once, and i believed it was my fault.

i do wish my mom would have left him. his alcoholism affected my life in so many ways.

my sister is going through the same thing. her husband is a crackhead/alcoholic

the thing you should think about is if the safety of you and your children are threatened. if they are, you have no choice but to get out. dont listen to the thoughts that it is your fault. find a way to leave and do it. if you are worrying about your husband in anyway, find him help. if he refuses, at least you tried.

that may be extreme, but i wish my parents would have divorced when i was younger. i lost a lot of myself because of those nights.

I wish i could be of some real help. Hang in there and do what is right for you and your children. no one deserves that life.

[lilredridinghood]

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.

I wish I would have left long ago. Now it seems like this life is all I know. It's like since he can't be so physical anymore, he is either emotionally or verbally abusive or he simply ignores us. He has convinced himself it is mostly me. He rationalizes how I am the problem, now. I mean he really believes it. And to hear him tell it, it sounds true. Many things he says are the truth, just out of context. I am not innocent in any way. I am a difficult person, no doubt. But, that's no excuse for the way he acts.

I am not a beat down woman. I am pissed off and mad as hell and depressed at the same time. It is truly a love/hate relationship.

I think what makes it the hardest for me is that he continues to change over and over. He used to be very jealous and tried to control me. He would act violent and hostile. Then after the attempted suicide, he was of course, sorry and loving and forgiving. Then when I didn't turn into his dream wife, he became cold and bitter and distant. Now he just plain acts like he wishes he'd never met me. He says he should have never been married or had kids.

He just wants me to shut up and leave him alone. I just want a father who loves my children and a husband who loves me and values our relationship. Nothing is sacred in this marriage. He blabs everything and humiliates me.

What's worse is there is a part of him that is really wonderful. The man I married. The one who is my best friend. Then there is the other part who cannot handle a disagreement or misbehaving kids without freaking out. I think the bad beat up the good and controls him, too.

He says the kids don't listen to him and have no respect for him because of the way they see me treat him and how I don't let him be a parent without intervening. I believe the relationship he has with them is between them. If what he said was true, they wouldn't have respect for me and would be trying to bully me around to get their way.

Is it unrealistic to want a loving marriage where you cherish eachother and work things through as a couple? Where no one uses physical violence to get their way? Maybe after you've treated eachother so terrible and said unforgiveable things, it cannot be repaired.

It just feels hopeless.

[sabby]

I know exactly what you mean.....everything is turned around to be your fault. And sooner or later, you begin to agree that you are the one who is at fault. Little by little you are destroyed by his ever changing attitudes, behaviors and abuse. He wants you to be off kilter, so that you don't know what to expect and when. That is his control over you. When he finds that you begin to stand up to a particular behavior of his, he changes like a chameleon and tries another approach. This works for awhile, then either you try fighting it again or he gets bored and changes his colors again.

Many of us here have been through exactly what you are going through. By NO MEANS have you EVER deserved to be abused either physically, mentally or emotionally. There is NOTHING that could ever warrant that kind of behavior from the person who is supposed to be our loving mate. I don't care if you have not been an angel in your relationship, none of us are. It may take 2 to tango, but it only takes one to be a control freak and abuser. There are many other ways of working through your problems than for you to be abused in any way shape or form.

Below is an exerpt regarding how a person is controlled, manipulated and abused. I hope it helps you to understand what is going on in your relationship.


One aspect of emotional abuse is that it eventually brainwashes the victim.

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING
(MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

In other words -- What he says, goes.

Anytime you feel the need to chat, feel free to pm me. I'll be more than happy to listen. Be well!

Hugssss
J