Serious question Female Parents who abuse. trigger

I am wondering how many of us here share that our primary abusers were our female parent? I am one. I went through a lot of other abuse as well by other family members but I consider her my primary abuser who became stimulated somehow by hurting me. I know this a tough one and it's okay if you can't respond.

I'm a member of this particular club...but that's as far as I can get with telling you about it, sorry. :\

My mother was abusive. She had a mental breakdown and became quite violent with me. When my dad discovered it he removed me and got her to a hospital to help her. My dad was my hero and did what he could to keep me safe.

I was sent to live with some friends of his - he thought I would be safe there. They were not physically abusive but they were sexually abusive, singularly and jointly.

Knowing that mom hurt me was hard but I have always know that it happened, knowing that there was some sex abuse was not so much worse but I had learned to shut down and not be there for much of it. Knowing that his wife abused me sexually has been almost more than I can handle. It triggered me severely and I clawed up my arm to try and cope. But this is not what you are asking about.

My mother continued to abuse me off and on until I was sixteen and left home. I don't think she was stimulated by abusing me - I think she eached a level of stress she couldn't handle and I was a convient outlet for her.

~D~

My mother was my primary abuser too. Physical, mental-emotional abuse is what I suffered from her. I think of her 5 children, my being the oldest, I took the brunt of her frustrations and resentment. Someone else said it was a convenient outlet for her rage. That is me.

That's fine CandyBear, You were part of my inspiration about asking this question because I have always felt so alone with this.

I am sorry Dalia that any of this happened to you. I am also sorry that the people who were supposed to be safe betrayed that as well. Abuse from a female parent figure seems to be especially triggering for me. You are so brave to speak so openly. Thank you.

Wisewoman, I think it's more common than either of us think it is. People don't talk about it as easily, for some reason. But in a group I was in one time (I lasted 3 sessions, it was horrible, and I will never do group again! -- it was even worthless in the hospital), when I introduced myself and told why I was there, in a group of about 10 people THREE of them came up to me afterward and said they had been abused by their moms. It was a group of all women, too.

I feel kind of "weird" too because it doesn't seem like there are too many of us out there, but I think it's because there's some stigma to admitting that the person who actually gave birth to you and was supposed to take care of you, hurt you instead. Everyone wants to think of moms as June Cleaver or Donna Reed or something, and it just ain't so.

I feel REALLY weird because the abuse I got from my mom isn't something you usually associate with women. (I am going to trigger MYSELF, much less anybody else, if I spill it, so I'm shutting up.) But please don't feel alone.

Candy

I am so sorry that you went through that, Candy. You didn't deserve it. I am afraid I can relate all too well what you having to deal with but moms were once little girls and it is likely they were abused too. I know my mother was physically abused. If you feel like talking about it; feel free to send me im here or whatever those things are called. I feel that more mothers are abusers than we know and more abuse in ways that shouldn't be coming from a woman than we are able to accept.
~D~

Candybear you are right, no one speaks about this. And I won't trigger you. But you know what? It's okay to say the words outloud. As Dalia said, p.m. me if you want. it happens a lot. Dalia hit it on the spot. It is so painful, never having been cherished, nurtured, loved, just hated and despised because I had the wrong body parts. Well, I have had no contact for many years and was just tonight missing my father's mother whom my mother hated. Something reminded me of her when I was a young vegetarian staying at their house for a week. My grandma found a pair of bloody underwear from my laundry stuffed into my pants pocket and said to me that she pretreated them for the stain and left it. it gave me permission to be alive. I just was telling hubby I missed her and that I feel my Young adult son needs to know that his grandparents won't be around forever and to get what he needs now. They are a cultural and historical wealth. Anyway, funny that my nanny washing my bloody underwear had such an impression huh? You are not alone my friend. Please know that it took me years to talk about HER and I still struggle. You are doing well and thanks for sharing.

ktp, I seem to have missed you last night. I am sorry that you went through abuse by the woman who was supposed to nurture you. it is the most devastating memory in my life. i am here and I am unbelievably open to discussion, just need cues from all of you okay? I wish you peace. By the way, I had my babies and I saw them and knew I had to cherish and protect. Weird that some mothers just can't. Thank you for writing back to me.

OK, wisewoman, you and dalila have GOT to stop making me cry. ;-)

Thank you both for your support and understanding. It does help. My T is taking teensy-tiny little baby steps with me on this issue, and even those are freaking me out enormously. I tell myself that if I can't say it or write it down, then it must not be real, because I *REALLY* want to believe that it's not, even though I know it is.

God, just writing this I need a Zyprexa. Or two. ;-)

It's good to have people who understand. Thank you.

Candy

CandyBeAR, You are way cool. Sorry to make you cry. Thanks for sharing this stuff with me.

It's OK -- they were pretty much tears of relief that there are other people out there with this particular issue, regardless of what type of abuse it was. Outside of my T, I don't have any support around this -- "normal" people just don't "get it." So I'm just grateful for you guys!

Candy

I dont know if this is considered abuse.. but my mom sometimes call me names like selfish brat, *****, idiot etc.i was also assaulted in school by senior girls...
hope this answer ur question.

That's called verbal and emotional abuse and in my experience some of that abuse has affected me more then the physical. Your safe person, the one who is supposed to care and protect is not supposed to kill your self esteem and confidence. Sorry you experience this. Since you are soon to be 18, I wonder what would happen if you responded with something like;"gee mom that's so nice for a daughter to hear from her mother". I feel so loved and valued when you say that. Must warn you that I am a sarcastic person when I am angry and you may not want this to be your approach. Also, tried something similar when I was about 14 when my female parent was being abusive and before I knew what was happening my male parent was beating me with a belt on my bare legs (shorts) and butt, arms. I had very large welts and for the first time in my life did not hide them under long clothing but wore them as a statement to him that he had done that to me. It was not my shame to hide, it was theirs. Also about the school assault. That is a big issue and I hope you made it known that it happened to you. It is unacceptable and schools need to take responsibility for keeping schools safe and stopping bullying and assault. I can tell you that if that happened to my 17 year old, I would be at the school with the police pressing charges and demanding that the school also discipline the perps. It is torture to be bullied at school. The adults are supposed to be making it a safe place. I am so sorry.

WW:
It's okay. I was feeling really down about it, really for letting her get to me. I have a great life now but its' hard to forget those things. I'm not even sure that I want to. Because, you see, I have 3 babies myself They are the bright spots in my life and even when I'm angry at them misbehaving, the memories of what she did to me make me want to be so much better. I try to give my children the unconditional love, nurturing and coddling I wish my mother had given me. I think it upset me even more for awhile after my first child was born. I was in complete awe of this little creature and knew in my heart that I would never leave her or hurt her or she would never wonder why her mother hated her so much. Because I don't think I could ever muster once ounce of hate toward my child. Well I know I couldn't and yeah you're right, it's weird how some mothers just aren't that way. As far as saying more, to me, it helps to know that someone else understands. I always feel like people in the real world are thinking I'm just dwelling or you know with depression the whole "get over it" attitude that people assume when they have NO idea what you're going through. It helps me to talk about it. I actually triggered myself, finally opening up to my husband about it. Now I'm slowly getting better and hopefully becoming a better person for it. Man, did I ever just ramble ! I'll blame it on the prozac

This was a great question and I think it was something that needed to be addressed because now we all know how much we have in common. I hate feeling alone.

Take Care all and I want to offer ALL of you the safest of ((((HUGS)))) You guys inspire me, we are all survivors.

Peace to you all as well!
Kimberly

Kimberly, you made me cry, good Tears. I remember giving birth to my first after 3 1/2 days of labor at home and 2 hours of pushing. There he was. I thought he was going to be a she but he was there. I looked at this tiny precious gift and knew I could never betray his innocence. Of course now he's being a grumpy 20 year old at me but... The point is you and I and the others have broken the cycle. My babies knew they were loved, they were carried constantly and nursed until puberty(just kidding on that one but it felt that way) It's how I don't let her win. It's how I change my story by giving them what I never got. That pain and emptiness doesn't magiaclly go away but I have learned and am learning. I can love openly now even with adults. I was at a friend's father's wake today and was hugging my friend and just told her I loved her. I do, she does. It's a special relationship and she is nurturing to me as I am to her. How cool that I can tell a grown woman I love them? This topic has been taboo for me for many many years. Glad to be discussing it with you all and I am happy you shared with me. By the way Kimberly is a pretty name.

WW:

Thanks for the compliment, I'll have to pass that along to my dad He named me. *grin*

I know what you mean. I really think it's cool to have a woman friend that you can be that open with. I used to, and this really sounds bad, hate women. Even though I am one. It is so unhealthy to be that way. Then I joined an internet mom club 3 1/2 years ago and man, those women were there and open and it made me embrace and love them, even though we've never even met face to face. They have ALWAYS been there when I needed someone to talk to or for the tragedies in my life. Amazing how that happens when we least expect it!
I was lmao at your comment about the grumpy 20 year old. My firstborn is now an 11 year old, hormone fueled machine! Oh she is hitting puberty and let me tell you the mood swings! Reminds me of ME. One minute I am the coolest mom ever (even her friends say so) and the next she looks at me like I'm from another planet or just sprouted horns or something.
The scariest thing for me all this time is not knowing how to be a mom. Never had one, really. So I'm still "learning as I go" when I have discussed this with other women, they always say, so are we! So I don't feel so alone there. I just am so worried about making mistakes, you know being superhuman and all
Your post really boosted my spirits, too. I haven't thought of it that way before. We have broken the cycle...imagine having that much power to change everything with only one emotion. Unconditional love. That just leaves me in awe......

I'm so glad we're still discussing this. I don't know about anyone else, but I am feeling so much better and am finally feeling like I can let go slowly to some of the pain that's been eating at me for so many years.

Thanks for sharing so much with little ole' me.

Take Care.
((Hugs))
Kimberly

Oh Kimberly you put tears in my eyes and your welcome. Thanks to all here who have made it okay to say these things outloud. I really think that if we do nothing else in our lives but raise our children to know they are loved and cherished we have changed the world. Of course days are still hard and pain is still pain but it helps to put that perspective on it. My daughter's boyfriend has been with us since early yesterday as his parents are away and he is a simple, loving boy. I find joy in this new relationship and in asking his opinions, advice, assistance. He's 17 I think. They are so cute and so appropriate for their age. He and I stopped at the car parts place to get her stuff for her car for her birthday tomorrow.

My mother never physically abused me, but she made it known she didn't care about me after leaving my dad, and abandoned me when I was 12. I had to go live with my aunt and uncle off and on (whenever she didn't want me around, I'd go live with them).

My dad emotionally abused me as well, but since he "wanted a boy" and wasn't in my life all that much, growing up, I really don't care anyway.

Since my mother was schizophrenic I was abused by her, also - though not intentionally. When she got treatment when I was 12 and got started on stelazine after Elecroschock treatments whe was the gentlest, kindness person you could meet. Before then she was dangerous and scary. Then the boy next door (who was 5 years older than me) started sexually abusing me when I was only 6 or 7 years old and that went on for several years. Abuse of any kind to a child is psychologically harmful and I am just now getting good therapy for it (I had tried several other therapists over the past 50 years but I could never relate to them - not to mention most of those memories of my childhood before I was 12 and Mother got treatment were buried from me until this year). My T is super good and is helping me a lot to understand that the child is NEVER guilty of anything - does NOT deserve the abuse - is ALWAYS the victim and powerless to stop adults and older, stronger people from abusing them. The guilt we, as children of abuse, feel is misplaced and has led to the depression and anxiety attacks I suffer from now. I don't know how long it will take me to work through all these issues with my T but he will stick by me for as long as I need him. He even accepts my HMO insurance and when my benefits wore off (I'm only allowed 20 visits per year he went to bat for me and got me additional visits. But, my point is, we need therapy to get over things like this and we all need to remember that we were not at fault for the abuse.

Mars:

I agree with you about therapy. It doesn't hurt ANYONE... I'm just starting this whole thing and it's a little bit overwhelming. Like jumping in the deep end, not sure if you can remember how to swim...

I'm so sorry that you went through all of that as a child. No matter how many years distance there is between then and now it still doesn't get easier. I think maybe you're a little like me and just dissociate....I stuff it down and just don't think about it. Now I don't have babies to keep me busy, they're all in school and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks!

My mother was also mentally ill. Still is. She suffers from DID, major recurrent depression, bipolar, drug addictions, you name it, she has it. Still I think coming from a family where brain disorders are pretty prevalent, people do have to be held accountable to a certain degree for their actions. What I mean is just because your mom was schizophrenic doesn't mean she had the right to do those things. That was one of my problems. The guilt for hating my mother, because of something that she can't control. But to an extent she could. It's just all so complicated...I'm having a hard time letting it go.

I've rambled long enough. But wanted to offer you

big (((((((((((Mars)))))))))))) hugs.

Take Care.
Kimberly

To Mars and KTP, I am not sure that by recognizing that our female parents hurt us that we should feel guilty. Yes, I am sure many if not all had their reasons but the key for me was to begin to see that it wasn't about me or anything I did, it was about her. It wasn't that the protective, somewhat violent self let me be heard and seen therefore I was hurt, it was because of an evil ill woman that I was hurt. It was not because I was bad. No it does not mean we have to hate these people. We don't have to carry any additional guilt. what it means is to knowing our hearts that we were beautiful perfect babies who deserved protection. Perfect because we were new to this world and an empty slate. Okay, so maybe we had physical defects etc but we were all still perfect and deserved to have that female parent nurture and protect us. The reasons that she didn't or couldn't are HER problem.

****applauds wisewoman****

(((((((ww)))))))))

You have an excellent point. Your name says it all...wise...I am not feeling the guilt so much anymore. You're right it is HER problem and none of us deserved this. It's just something we had to endure because of someone else's (who happened to be our mother) issues.

I want to give you an extra (((Hug))) because you've helped us all so much, just asking the questions and giving support.

Take care wise one
Kimberly.