[beauflow]

Originally Posted by LostAngel0616

Haven't smoked all day. Keeping that up this time.

Yay!!! Go Lost Angel!!!!!

[beauflow]

i really want to do something when I get home..Jut a lot of stress here lately. I want to either "smoke it" or drink... I will try to tell myself -- NO- no on the "smoke it" for sure due to I need to find another job and I know I can do the work that others ask and the pee screening needs to be clean if anyone does bite at what I have applied for.... and drinking blah, remind myself that it wont do me any good!
Sadly I am still a smoker of cigs-- that I don't think is going any times soon but I do give Kudos for all that are trying and have quit!
It is inspiration for me -- that maybe in the future I can.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by beauflow

i really want to do something when I get home..Jut a lot of stress here lately. I want to either "smoke it" or drink... I will try to tell myself -- NO- no on the "smoke it" for sure due to I need to find another job and I know I can do the work that others ask and the pee screening needs to be clean if anyone does bite at what I have applied for.... and drinking blah, remind myself that it wont do me any good!
Sadly I am still a smoker of cigs-- that I don't think is going any times soon but I do give Kudos for all that are trying and have quit!
It is inspiration for me -- that maybe in the future I can.

when we first get sober a drink can look pretty good when we feel our emotions. emotions we made numb. in your case stressed out. that's because everytime life threw us a curve ball we ran and drowned the emotion. when we "come to" all the emotion-stress-is still awaiting us. nothing in our life has changed for the better.
we're uncomfortable with our new found life. but if you can take it a day at a time sober, re-learn life skills, each day gets better.
hope this may help. glad you posted.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by madisgram

when we first get sober a drink can look pretty good when we feel our emotions. emotions we made numb. in your case stressed out. that's because every time life threw us a curve ball we ran and drowned the emotion. when we "come to" all the emotion-stress-is still awaiting us. nothing in our life has changed for the better.
we're uncomfortable with our new found life. but if you can take it a day at a time sober, re-learn life skills, each day gets better.
hope this may help. glad you posted.

Oh Madisgram how I know what you are speaking of- I remember the first few months of stopping drugs in December of 2008- it was very hard but I said I can do this! It was a final straw for me with things that were going on, Acid trip with talking with a crack head and a fall out with a sibling, and me seeing and saying look at what the drugs do to him, then saying crap they are doing that to me and I am doing this to me... along as I am sure many other things helped with the final straw but yet the first few months there were many times that I wanted to go back (i can still get that way today but... keep reading ), but I was a blessed one in way to have some one with me to remind me that things will pass at the time and even today..
I just, even today, get very stressed out and want to get f-ed up, but don't... I do occasionally drink but in 2010 and early 2011 that really got into perspective to me on I was just substituting the hard stuff for the alcohol and sadly was more depressed and realized it-- with this just realization I made special rules--which One is not emotional drinking (i have goofed on this and I tell myself see this is the reminder maybe you needed, don't forget it but goof up happens), another is I can not drink the next day (habit starting if doing so) and a third is I can not get plastered which i have been good with the last past year or so with (remind myself that it just is not a good feeling and buzzed can be ok )- I know that does not work for all but it does work for me..I know that alcoholism runs in my family- my father was a fetal alcohol syndrome baby from his mom, his dad was a drinker as well and could not stop from stories i heared, as my father was as well until he had kidney failure and went blind due to not managing his diabetes (which the alcohol never helped with and contributed to a lot to)... but even with "my rules" I do many times remind myself that it is so much reward with "handling as best as i can with what i got with out the escape" is also a good thing and helps with the rules to even apply due to I wont drink-- Sort of a thing of I can do this with out an escape. It shall pass what ever it is and some thing will be learned from it.

With the smoking it- it is similar rules to alcohol for me, in exception of a lot less... The last geez 2+yrs only twice, and only a puff or two no more- i can't take more these days to be honest! I remember i used to smoke bowl after bowl and now, a puff is like ok-feeling funny... In honesty with the smoking pot, the last time I at first got very paranoid which was not fun, and then I over thunk (however which was good due to this last time I made a break through with myself of - Maybe It is NOT all my fault, i.e. not all about me when trouble comes as well as some other things that I wrote down at the times that was constructive), but none the less some times it is not enjoyable as it was before when I was younger due to the paranoia-- I am not a freak out stage with it as I know some "x"smokers that if they smoke after 10 yrs they freak out and it is horrible... which I guess is a good thing in retrospect.

I also always remember, I have probably done enough damage to my brain due to the massive load of drugs that I did when i was younger, and all this stuff now is no good for the now or later-

The best thing that I can remind myself is keep trying, Sometimes I wish I had actual vacations (like to go some where instead of having to constantly work and just stay at home on the weekends) I some times wonder if I took a trip some where else if it would help with lessening stress and the escape would be real in the sense of going some where instead of "resting my mind".

And I have found painting and other arts and crafts VERY Helpful for an escape these days-- Painting for me-- I spend 3 or so hours on one, and after I am done I realize I had not been thinking of stressful things and feel so much better

I know the things that I mention on alcohol and pot are not totally kosher with people, and is frowned upon, but it is also something that the therapist that I was seeing, saw that it was ok for me as in the sense that I was able to in ways to "manage"-- I don't fully agree with how she addressed it, though It is not like I wanted to be hammered on how bad it was, but when i was doing hard drugs like every day- I was what my father called a "functional drug addict" due to I could hold down a job and do my fun... which these days, I don't fully agree with, and see what damage it did back then when I was doing it.... As I always used to say- I was addicted with getting high and escaping- it did not matter what just as long as I had a good time and escaped... which is the underlining of addiction as I understand for anyone with anything... and to find other things to cope with is a key of breaking free-- So I have tried best these days to find those...

The cigs are so hard though for me, and I do feel week- I have went a week with out smoking since I started, that is the longest i have went and then started back up due to anxiety and stress... they are my friend, and I hate them and love them ..... but maybe some day... maybe some day I will be fed up with them as I was/am with the hard drugs

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by beauflow

Yay!!! Go Lost Angel!!!!!

lol. Thank you! Still haven't had not one cigarette. Second day in a row! Woot! I actually realized today that un-lit cigarettes have that wonderful smell back that I use to love before I started the habbit... I didn't realize that had gone away!

[gma45]

Here I am, need to take some action. I am feeling so lost again. can't seem to motivate. I have been going to meetings other than that nothing seems to do anything for me. I am just feeling like a blob. I get along great at work everyone likes me, I work my *** off but not getting enough hours to survive so just feel like it really is just a dead end which I know is true but have nothing else at the moment. feeling so dead inside.

[roads]

One of my dad's "bequests" to me is my genetic pre-disposition to alcoholism.
He more than offset that though, teaching by example throughout his life that, for him & me anyway, "Attitude Is Everything!"

Daddy, who never conquered any of his "issues," did his best to pass on the attitude that made him an award-winning salesman with IBM during the Depression and pre-WWII years when sales "records" weren't about winners. It may have played a big part in allowing me to break through to find some happiness where my mother, also from a family in which depression and mental issues ran unchecked, was unable to get beyond the idea that she just needed to work more and whine less.

IBM, in those days, was run by T. J. Watson, Jr., my dad's mentor and personal Mid-20th-Century-style life coach. IBM's PR logo/icon, THINK, my dad wore like the family shield. I had to use company note pads, with the logo prominent, for doodling. Mr. Watson thought that was a fine idea, being a big fan of the idea that everyone ought to THINK a lot. He had my dad read books by and about successful people and collect quotations of what most inspired him. This collect was part of my Required Reading as a child, along with Little Women, King Lear, and so many others.

I THINK it was this attitude that kept me alive and enabled me to get a job, even when I was really at the bottom in my drinking days. Unfortunately--because of course I used the income to keep on drinking ...

My dad's collection disappeared mysteriously during one of his sister's visits when they reconnected & "made-up" in later years, but here's a link that will get you started. LINK... http://smartonlinesuccess.com/awesome-success-quotes/
Steep yourself in the attitudes of some of our most successful men (that's right, all men) and see whether you can take on the belief as a sort of attitude mask.

I apologize for half my life story in response to your post, but I hatehatehate that you're feeling like "a blob" and this is the only thing I've been able to come up with this morning that I have--I hope it can help.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by gma45

Here I am, need to take some action. I am feeling so lost again. can't seem to motivate. I have been going to meetings other than that nothing seems to do anything for me. I am just feeling like a blob. I get along great at work everyone likes me, I work my *** off but not getting enough hours to survive so just feel like it really is just a dead end which I know is true but have nothing else at the moment. feeling so dead inside.

oh gm45, sounds like you are in a hurting spot. intead try to look at how far you've come. i was sooo-o glad you started going to meetings and stilll now. you are giving yourself the best gift you will ever do for yourself. i'm so glad you posted. we're always here for you. the job market is so depressing right now. so i won't minimize your frustration and fear about not getting enough hours.
do you like to read? if so, allow yourself to not be motivated for now. it's ok. reading can take your mind off this. this will change and you'll be back on top. i know you realize that deep inside. if reading is not your thing try to just do something you really enjoy. i think, at least for me, that i always need everything to just be right and sometimes we put too much pressure on that/productive. cut yourself some slack and give yourself permission to just let things go for right now.
i don't know if my reply will help but i hope so. you have a lot to be proud of.
just read roadies reply. i'm believing hers may be more uplifting. it's inspiring.

[roads]

(((((((gma45)))))))

Reading madisgram's post (ty!) properly calls me up for sounding like I'm giving you homework.

In my rush I failed to catch the fact that my words to you come off sounding as if I think it's all about the job.

NOT TRUE!

It's about

"I am just feeling like a blob.
.... feeling so dead inside."

You are an older, mostly-alone woman in this society who's gotten sober and is now maintaining that. Very, very difficult for anyone--but for a gal who's not twentysomething, with a built-in support system of friends and family? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt--and I know what it takes ... & takes ... & takes.


You are daily-awesome for doing that!!
* Getting and staying sober is difficult for anyone at any age,
and having family/friends/whatever group can interfere with
sobriety as well as support it. Success is nearly impossible.
Anyone who gets & remains sober is awesome.

Roadie

[gma45]

Thanks for the posts, I never take things......as if I have to do anything from either of you. Your advice helps me tremendously every time you respond. I am finding it tough not being younger I think. I never had this much trouble starting over in the past but there seemed to always be a man involved and this time I am not ready to just settle for anything! like you say... been there done that! ha! today was a bit better I took some action in the down sizing department which helped me out a bit. Think! is a good one as long as I am thinking positive. Having moved from the place I lived for 30 years has left me really lacking in the close friend area. Going to meeting does help it is just different than what I am used to. BARS! I am not giving in or up!!! Thing have to get better I am worth it! Thanks Roadie and Madisgram and everyone else that reads my ranting!

[LostAngel0616]

I smoked my pot again, today. Only like 5 bowls from 9 am to midnight. Which isn't bad considering that I didn't crave any cigarettes the whole day. I'm liking how the pot effects are different when I don't smoke a cigarette afterwards. I also took two prozac this morning like my doctor said. So I think that may have been a reason I was in such a good mood today. I just don't want to get too cocky...

[LostAngel0616]

Didn't have that great of a day today. Made a few big mistakes... And realized that I really don't know myself at all... But haven't smoked at all in the last couple days; just pot. Only two bowls today, but thatwas the last of it. And probably for a while... Which means I'm gonna lose my appetite, again. I was actually enjoing beIng able to eat as usual. Easy come, easy go. I kinda want to go out and do something crazy, trip on acid or something. But I wouldn't know where to start. I'm so sick of being in control of myself. I just want a few hours where I don't have to explain my actions...

[roads]

Originally Posted by LostAngel0616

Didn't have that great of a day today. Made a few big mistakes... And realized that I really don't know myself at all...
....
I kinda want to go out and do something crazy, trip on acid or something. But I wouldn't know where to start. I'm so sick of being in control of myself. I just want a few hours where I don't have to explain my actions...

I kinda want to go out and do something crazy, trip on acid or something. But I wouldn't know where to start. I'm so sick of being in control of myself. I just want a few hours where I don't have to explain my actions...

Do you see a connect here, between some "big mistakes" and suddenly wanting to "go out and do something crazy" (another mistake?).
Why are you "so sick of being in control of myself"?
"Explain my actions" to whom?

AA says to learn from mistakes so as to not repeat them, & then forgive ourselves.
What are your plans?

Roadie

Been awhile since I've posted, things have just been crazy the past few weeks. I've fallin back into old routines and old ways. A lot of trauma has been coming back to haunt me lately, and I didn't know how to cope with it then and I still don't know now.
My insomnia has been acting up like crazy and for the first time in awhile I'm actually tired but am now to scared to sleep. My partner and I walked to the corner store and back home, and by the time we got back my partner couldn't even stand, she just started wobbeling around like a limp noodle. It took over an hour to get her up the stairs and into bed. I didn't know what to do and I still don't. I'm really afraid that her eating disorder is starting to kill her, its gotten really out of control, and I don't know what to do about it because I'm totally helpless to the situation.
I'm just worried that I'll get to caught up in my own stuff to be able to be there for her.
Ugh life is just stressful, I could go on forever but I won't.
Thanks for "listening"

[madisgram]

I'm really afraid that her eating disorder is starting to kill her, its gotten really out of control, and I don't know what to do about it

good to hear from you again.
it does sound very serious re your friend. and i can understand your fears. does your friend have family where you live or you have met them? if so it may be helpful to let them know what's going on with her. perhaps they would intervene. and you're correct you are helpless to help her. but telling her about your concerns re her could help. justme but i'd ask her too if she'd be willing to get help.
your fears re yourself-falling back into harmful habits would prevent your helping her too. and you don't want to self-sabotage yourself by resorting to this old behavior?
focus on noticing the shift in your thinking. it's an escape resorting back to the old "solution". often the old habits return if we don't heed to the fact we're slipping and do something to change it. otherwise the "insanity" will return.
please let us know how u are doing. i'm glad you're reaching out. plus i hope your friend will get help too.

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Do you see a connect here, between some "big mistakes" and suddenly wanting to "go out and do something crazy" (another mistake?).
Why are you "so sick of being in control of myself"?
"Explain my actions" to whom?

AA says to learn from mistakes so as to not repeat them, & then forgive ourselves.
What are your plans?
Roadie

I'm sick of being in control of myself because I just want to be able to act without worrying about what other people think. I don't want to have to explain myself to the people I live with, at this point, they all think I'm dumb. I just want to be able to go and do something crazy without being held responcible. I'm just sick of having to explain my actions. I keep trying so hard to do the right thing and I can't seem to get that right, so I just want to go actually do something stupid. I've always wanted to do acid... Or mushrooms... Some psychadellic drug. I have no access or anywhere to start, so I wont. But I just wanna be crazy for a day.

[notz]

Come drive in Atlanta for a day! Afterwards we'll go get a fancy burger.

[roads]

Originally Posted by LostAngel0616

I'm sick of being in control of myself because I just want to be able to act without worrying about what other people think. I don't want to have to explain myself to the people I live with, at this point, they all think I'm dumb. I just want to be able to go and do something crazy without being held responcible. I'm just sick of having to explain my actions. I keep trying so hard to do the right thing and I can't seem to get that right, so I just want to go actually do something stupid. I've always wanted to do acid... Or mushrooms... Some psychadellic drug. I have no access or anywhere to start, so I wont. But I just wanna be crazy for a day.

Today, LostAngel0616, I'd love to write an email without exercising control or worrying about what anyone thinks. I'd love to, and I recognize that. Today, I'm feeling a lot like you say you are--that "I keep trying so hard to do the right thing and I can't seem to get that right." But I know that's life, that's a roadblock, that's something everyone faces at some point in life. What I need is a coping skill, not "to go actually do something stupid."

Because I'm having real trouble with that email, I am going to a meeting tomorrow & talking to my sponsor. Now if I'd gotten notz's invite, I woulda taken her up on that! Hey, you want crazy? Michigan to Atlanta for a burger ... even the fanciest? CRA-ZEE!!

[Edge11]

...Hi everyone...

...Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm feeling really good lately...I recently went to a new pdoc and was dx adhd...I've been taking meds for the past month for adhd and bipolar and so far I'm pleased with the results...Back in May I was at the jumping off place the BB talks about...I was overwhelmed with anxiety,fear and thoughts of suicide...The noise in my head was maddening...The thought of a drink looking better and better...I knew a drink would only make things worse...So I made a decission to seek psych help...For the first time in my life I have something close to (peace of mind) All the anger and frustration are gone...Thanks for letting me share...

[roads]

It's so good the hear from you, to have you back & sounding better, stronger. That edge is a scary place to walk. I hope you'll post often.
Roadie

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Today, LostAngel0616, I'd love to write an email without exercising control or worrying about what anyone thinks. I'd love to, and I recognize that. Today, I'm feeling a lot like you say you are--that "I keep trying so hard to do the right thing and I can't seem to get that right." But I know that's life, that's a roadblock, that's something everyone faces at some point in life. What I need is a coping skill, not "to go actually do something stupid."

Because I'm having real trouble with that email, I am going to a meeting tomorrow & talking to my sponsor. Now if I'd gotten notz's invite, I woulda taken her up on that! Hey, you want crazy? Michigan to Atlanta for a burger ... even the fanciest? CRA-ZEE!!

Lol. I have an apointment with my therapist tomorrow, I'm going to talk to her about some classes I can take on coping skills and socialization skills, too. But thank you for this post, it made me smile. =)

[LostAngel0616]

Originally Posted by notz

Come drive in Atlanta for a day! Afterwards we'll go get a fancy burger.

Haha. I would love to take you up on that! Only problem is I don't have a car or lisence. XD

I've been attending 12 step groups more frequently. I am clean and sober today. I look forward to being this way, tommorow. Thanks to psych central for its' support! It was needed. Peace...

[LostAngel0616]

Its been a few days since I smoked pot... My appetite has gone back to low again. No food really sounds good, and if it does, without the pot, I don't have the desire to make it. Got super stressed yesterday and smoked a cigarette, but I'll be moving down to step two in a week and a half, and I'm feeling confident about it. Most of the psychical habbit is gone. I think I just took comfort in the routines of smoking cigarettes. I've been getting headaches lately, though. Which has me taking motrin-type pain relievers again. Two years ago, I was heavily addicted to pain killers, so that worries me a little. I'm out of my prozac, too. I'm suppose to be taking 20mgs/day, and I've been out for 2 days now. I have an appointment tomorrow, so hopefully I can get some more then. Today has been mostly a bad day, but its quieting down now. Hopefully it will stay that way... =/

[roads]

Too bad the Prozac ran out, LostAngel. I'm glad to hear it's quieting down for you now and that your appt is tomorrow.

Do your best to stay in the present ... in the now. Listen to music, sleep if you can, anything that keeps you out of your head.

Roadie