Anxiety Daily Check-In Point #3

thats great about your jobs rcat!!!

Today had been mixed, I think. Woke up at 4 again but it was less but since it less it's worse because it's like I'm expecting a punch and cringing in waiting. Went to walk and found that my tai-chi class was still on, which was awesome but my mind took too much to relax and the walk I found so many bad thoughts about myself and life. Breakfast was nice and I found that one of my terrific obsessive thoughts wasn't so bad and I cried when my mom accepted me and explained to me she passed the same thing and it means we don't love us.

Went to do chores and I managed to almost no buy anything to eat, but I bought a bag of peanuts (gave more than half to a person in need) and a spring roll + water made all the money wasted today 47 which was more than half of an entire hour of work and that made me feel so guilty.

Returning a person who says he knows me offered me a ride. For my life, I can't still picture it and I was afraid to get up but so embarrassed (and there was a line behind us) that got up anyway and asked me to take me to Oxxo instead of my home. Couldn't stop thinking that he might want to me to implicate me in some narc business and that's why he offered me a ride and a photograph were taken and I would have the police at my front door and jail until I wrote it up to see how silly it sounded.

Talked finally with my psychiatrist and it nearly took my ear off. Pretty much what I was doing was stupid, I should have stayed with 1mg of Ativan and the reason he told me I could change it and downgraded it for lower doses was because "if you want to mess with your medicine, it's your business. But take the Ativan as I told you, 1mg until what your therapist told you. Follow orders and you are not addicted to the medicine, good night" and so, well, my bad I guess. But it made me happy to know that I can come back to my medicine as it should be as if that would make all this pain go away which I put on my list of insane thoughts.

Oh, I made a list of insane thoughts think that pass my mind and so many that I change my behaviour for and honestly, I had quite the esoteric religion in my hands.

Feeling better but I still need to explaining things too much, to vomit my feelings and my back is hurting, but it's better. It's getting better, I hope.

Well, my anxiety is still rearing it's head...

I really hate waking up early with anxiety. It's not like I can use my coping mechanisms since there is no apparent cause... it's just there.

I'm sorely hoping this flare up is just down to nicotine withdrawal & will go away soon but I'm not confident.

I guess I'm probably worrying about it too much...

Today I woke put at 6 and so far it hasn't been hard, but it's annoying. Like I'm expecting it to hurt and it doesn't and I don't know what to do with it.

So far I had found several things about me, belief that I haven't realized I have about life, karma and my youth that explain why I don't love myself or it's so hard for me to accept feeling bad. Exhausted and I want a hug. Tomorrow I see my therapist and it's hard to remember that he is not god and would not made my problems go away but I know he would help. Hard not to think in the past or the future and think in the know.

Today was a good day. Started hard by a small panic attack, but after my date with my psychotherapist, I'm relieved and in a new... regiment is the word I want. I still fear many things, maybe tomorrow I would wake up again wanting to cry, but I know that I'm in the right path, that while I have a mental illness I'm not just sick and I would get better. Things are going to get better. Sleepy and hungry, to eat and to dream. Thank you so much for helping me.

today was a bad anxiety day, I kept waking up in panic and stayed that way all day. I was so wound up I felt like I was coming out of my skin. I forced myself to get up and go outside and work on my yard. It helped get some of the energy out but still loomed all day.
I cried a couple times this evening due to grief and depression issues... now I am just plain exhausted

I feel weird today. I don't feel anxiety per-se and the stress is way less, but it's like a rock you have in your shoe. It doesn't hurt but it's annoying and distracting. I'm worried and like I'm waiting for the attack to come and part of me just want to have said attack so I can get over it while other is afraid of said attack. Trying mndfulness but it's hard not to worry or living at the moment. Did exercise, maybe I need to do more?

I took a bike ride today and trying to "rehabilitate" myself to get back to what I used to do - go for a three hour ride. Instead I went for almost two hours. Previously, I was taking just one hour rides instead of three hours because of my anxiety; with a fear of getting a flat tire or anything else that could go wrong. I am taking "baby steps" to go further each time I go out on a ride. So far it's working rather well.

At one point of the ride this afternoon, I went further by going down a steep hill that I have not done in a good while. I made it down alright and was happy about it, but I felt like I had a panic attack. I felt so weird that, when I stopped at a traffic light at the bottom of that steep hill, I got looking at a couple in a car at the next lane from me. I wanted to tell them that I was feeling like having a panic attack. That didn't happen.

Anyways, I made it safely and nothing bad happened on my ride. So I was very grateful for that.

I don't know what I'm feeling. After my visit with the therapist and a little anxiety, this last two days I had felt... calm? Without reason because I just barely started my therapy and I shouldn't just get over the anxiety attacks in the morning. Preoccupied with it and I'm doing more breathing acts to "protect" this calm yet it isn't an anxiety attack or wanting to cry or feeling terror for the future. I don't know what to feel and right know I feel a pressure in back, not of stress, but of something that wants to come out, like I'm very pissed about something (3 hours ruminating this, my god) and I want to shout or hit or cry and I can't. It's not painful and it's a walking to the park compared to other days, but it's so very uncomfortable and I honestly don't have (or don't remember) a frame of reference.

i had a really bad time of anxiety today.

first my book came apart, and i was on the floor picking up pages (which got to me because i was lending it, and was meant to be looking after it)

then i found out that someone i needed to contact has her emails down, and so i needed to phone her to bring something round. after shaking for an hour, and convincing myself it was a trap/ i wouldn't get what i needed anyway, and going through about 50 sinarios of bad things that could happen with the phone, i convinced myself i can't do it and i'll have to wait.

but i want to do it tonight. i probably will end up not doing it, because i'm really bad with the phone. but yeah.. i now feel really guilty for being really anxious over nothing- over something someone without anxiety would have no problem with

why can't my anxious mind just let me be *frowns*

i get anxiety attacks too and sit and worry about things that could happen but luckily never do. i hate the anxious feeling that goes with this worrying too.

Today my anxiety had been, well, normal I guess. I had been able to use it mostly for studying and preparing for work and the two worrying attacks were fairly low compared to days before, but still they hurt and are incredible uncomfortable.

anxiety's been pretty good (up to now)

anxious that i'm going to harm myself in exactly 1 hour from now (i did yesterday), and i have this thing where if something happens on 1 day, it will happen the next

weird anxiety..

It's 4 am also 5 and I don't want to go to sleep. I feel anxious about something, like something bad is going to happen. I think a tv show has ignited my anxiety or maybe it's because I had an unsettling dream or maybe it's because I have to go out tmrw. Whatever it is I don't like it. I feel like drowning or just stop breathing so I can take this feeling of doom away.

(((((hugs)))))

hope you get to feeling better and tomorrow goes well

I started a new method called mindfulness and downloaded a book about it, but I feel stressed out reading it because it made me question all the foundations of my life, of the "absolute truths" that I have, to not be midnless and I don't know if I can't deal with this. I don't know if I can't take this herculean work and I need to talk to my therapist. It's not much but just thinking of reading the book again make me feel heavy and sick.

Had some anxiety today. For some reason, when I'm at work, the dreadful thoughts just come flowing my way. I don't know why that is.

I had been watching some safety videos at work; and they always give me dreadful thoughts about what could happen to me. The pictures on those videos can be graphic. I hate those safety videos.

Also, my only good friend that I have has gone away for a couple of weeks. He is on his way now to South Africa. There are times when I don't feel easy when he's gone. We hadn't spoke too much lately, too, because he's been very busy.

I'm going to try my very best to get his leaving out of my mind as much as possible.

Today was the worst anxiety that I have experienced in a long time. It started early this morning while reading the news. I don't normally read the news because it tends to make me depressed. Today I wanted to see what happened to the missing 15 month old who shares the same name as my daughter, who is also 15 mo. She was found dead. Raped, strangled to death. A 15 month old child. I really screwed up by reading the details of the case & the crime & what had been done to this child. It literally made me so disgusted, so sick and so damn angry that I could've killed someone. This rage was followed by severe sadness and horrendous anxiety as my mind went in a billion different directions worry about all of the people and situations that I have to keep my child away from. It scares me to think that these people hurt these children, even murdering them to get their rocks off?? This is something that I cannot even wrap my head around. On the other hand, I cannot live my life in 24/7 fear and panic over these things bc it's not healthy either. I'm so messed up today that I just want to go to sleep.

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That exactly how I feel today. Coming out of my skin.

my anxiety is rather low today

more depression than anything else

Not bad today. I suppose I got a good sleep last night - once I fell asleep anyway.

I was awfully anxious last night after a conversation with my adult daughter. I realized she has kept a lot of her own downs from me. I suppose she has thought it best in light of my illness (Anxiety in particular). We had a lengthy talk. She was right, I came away with a great deal of worry that her life isn't perfect. Still, it is important for me to know these things so I can properly be of support to her. Thankfully - the things she told me of at least - are surmountable. I remind myself these things are part of being an aadult and that it would appear I instilled enough strength and presense of mind for her to cope.

really really high agoraphobia issues today. it's been terrible- i've bearly been able to eat, breav, not much (thankfulll i managed to eat a little dinner later on)

have to go somewhere on sunday and for someone with extreme agoraphobia (and who barely leaves the house even to go to the shop) this is hard... freaking out and it's only tuesday.

*thinks about canceling*

Got through my dental appt today which always makes me anxious. I feel very anxious still but I think it is due to a medication change I'm going through. Not feeling well.

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My Anxiety was a little high this morning as we had a construction guy over to do repairs. However, the rest of my day got better as I finally got the courage to sign up for Tai Chi and Meditation classes that I have wanted to do for two years now. My anxiety will not stop me from trying new things anymore and I felt so much relief after signing up.

Had two panic attacks yesterday. This morning I am nervous and shaking.