Anxiety Daily Check-In point #8

I seem to be posting too much here and I apologize.

Things are cold and snowy today, so my SAD is acting up which makes my anxiety worse. Additionally, I'm trying to move my diet in a better direction after several months of eating poorly. So, I'm dealing with GI issues related to the Prozac and the new diet and that causes my health anxiety to spike. Then the adrenaline from the anxiety messes with my guts and it all spirals. So, pretty sure I'm dying but as I mentioned last post, part of me still wants to survive, and a part of me wants to die, but not like this. Quick and painless please. I think the universe needs to recall my brain, it's broken or at least mostly defective. Later I'll have my little mirror self-talk conversation about how I'm pretty likely to live through today, as that's all I can count on. Tomorrow? Who knows? Maybe the universe will send that meteor through my roof tonight. <crossing fingers>

I needed like half an hour for the 3rd valium to kick in and now I feel super cool and calm about things. Although I am still uncertain about going back to work.

My anxiety was bad but I think it was as a result of my physical problems. I'm feeling better now after eating some cooked broccoli. I think the litter box was also cleaned out. Which might have been part of my problem

I'm in a bit of a pickle regarding my valium. I have enough to get me through Sunday night if I take 3 a day. The pharamacy was closed yesterday and opened late this morning. I called my Pdoc back when they opened but I have not heard back from him or the pharamcy which I am sure is swamped. My mom cut one valium in half and then a couple into quaters. So I think I ended up taking a little bit less then 2.5 mil. I do have quite a bit of ativan in case I do totally run out of the valium. It may not be the best idea but being cold turkey without a benzo I think can be dangerous. So far the 2.5 worked fine and maybe the pharmacy is just swampped. I'm not really worried about it right now.

I'm still in trouble with the valium. I've been trying to contact the pharamacy all day but I haven't had any luck. And of course my doctor isnt in the office. So I'm trying to make the switch on my own to a diffrent benzo I was on a few years ago. Its not the best idea but it might be my only choice at the moment until I hear from my doctor or the pharamcy.

Apologies again for posting. I did some journaling but that doesn't seem to work as well as letting someone else know what's going on. Weird.

I've had several decent days and this morning. Then this afternoon my anxiety is creeping up, but not yet out of control. Happy to know that better days can happen, but always disappointed when they stop. As always I know all I have is today and it's not been that bad really. Got errands run and the weather is warmer. Had a good lunch and have enough leftovers to make dinner without too much work. I don't know. I've always struggled with patience and this is one of those times where patience will be most useful. I imagine there are many things that, at my age, take longer to sort out. I hate getting old, but once my dogs pass on, I'm probably going to get out as well. Won't have to deal with the aging process for decades, just have a couple more years. It's like planning a vacation almost. Maybe I should revisit my bucket list and see if there is anything that can be completed in a couple of years. Hmmmmm...

Very sad. Lots of fear & anxiety. But I believe in the potential we all have, so I'm hanging in there.

Sorry again.

Doing OK today anxiety wise. Had to just get through the issues yesterday and accept that I'm going to have good days and bad, and all I can do is make each day the best I can. I went out a couple hours ago and got some groceries. Prices are going up on name brand things, but staples like rice, beans, veggies, etc. haven't moved much and the store had chicken and pork loin on sale, so I stocked up a bit. Should actually have enough for the rest of the month and maybe part of March, though fresh fruit and veg will require another trip. Feeling pretty good about that. I was angry this morning for some reason so figured if the store was going to make me cranky anyway, might as well go and get shopping done. Score!

I did ok yesterday with just under 2.5 valium. Today I had 2 split into halfs and quaters and then taking small pieces throughout the day. I have 2 left. I have to get this taken care of tommorow. My anxiety was not sucky until a couple hours ago.

I have been feeling fear these past few days. I wonder when things are going to get better.

I took a little less then a quater of a valium early this morning around 3AM. Then I took another little piece at 6AM. then I took an ativan around 10. Then half of my last valium around noon. I have one half left and thats totally it. My doctor called it into the pharamacy around 9 but I haven't heard from them yet. I also didn't sleep well last night or eat much today. So its not just the meds that are making my anxiety crappy. But cutting down pretty suddenly on valium does not make a person feel good.

I think my math class is giving me stress. I am worried about my grade and it does not finish until 3 weeks.

My anxiety is ok at the moment.

Im glad your anxiety is ok at the moment @breakingdawn

My anxiety is quite high Im away to try some mindfulness. That or just sleep.

I was more pissed off today then anything. But my anxiety was pretty bad up until an hour ago. I woke up with it real bad so I took a valium around 4. Then I took my second one at 8:15. My 3rd one was an hour ago. So I am staying on track and not taking extras. I learned the hard way but at least I learned and managed decently on such a low dose and I know now not to take extras. I'm glad and lucky I got it filled 2 days early.

•I Just Need to Vent and Get My Feelings/Frustrations off My Chest. I’m not Seeking Feedback.

•I Often Feel People with Multiple Chronic Illnesses Have No Place or Voice in the Chronic Illness Community.

•Words Matter the Constant Use of Chronic Illness vs Chronic Illnesses Really Upsets me on Days that I Struggle.

•I’m Freaking Exhausted with Having Multiple Chronic Illnesses. I Feel like a Single Parent with Quintuplets.

•I Get one Chronic Illness Back to Baseline However the Others Get Triggered and I’m Dealing with More Flare Ups.

•The Constant Flare Ups Really Trigger My Depression.

•I’m Tired of being in Pain.

•I’m Tired of Missing Training/Workshops.

•I’m Tired of Feeling Nauseous.

•I’m Tired of Medical Bills.

•I’m Tired of ****** Health Insurance.

•I’m Tired of Fatigue.

•I’m Tired of Dealing with Vitamin Deficiencies.

• I’m Tired of Constantly Sleeping.

•I’m Tired of Chronic Hives.

•I’ve Tired of Swelling.

•I’m Tired of Figuring Out Which Chronic Illness is Causing Which Symptom.

•I’m Tired of Hashimotos, Fibromyalgia, Asthma, Alopecia, Chronic Urticaria and Angioedema.

•Today I’m also Tired of Crying.





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Anxiety is way up today. For a change not about my health, but about the future. I have one big chore I need to get accomplished SOON, or I'll be on the verge of pretty serious trouble. I'm trying to calm myself by acknowledging that I do not need to get it done today or even within a week, but the sooner the better. I don't know why I'm not getting it done. I heard Kristen Bell describe her anxiety as "like decision fatigue." That's what it feels like. I would much rather do NOTHING, than to get this stuff done, no matter how little actual work it might be. This is the year I need to get my life moving in a better direction (or any direction). The stress of it is very overwhelming. And god or the universe or whatever isn't doing me a solid, by letting me die in my sleep. I just keep waking up and everything seems to compound when I do. F! Get me out of here!

My anxiety came down after the last post because I had some small quick errands to do and they got done and it went pretty well. Now the anxiety is blasting through the roof. I hate being me, I really do. I wish it was all over. I wish *I* was over.

Edit: Feel like crying, but the tears won't come.

Edit 2: Took some small steps toward my big goal, but I'd still rather die.

Edit 3: Looked a bit more into what I need to do with the big thing and I think ending my life might end up being the best option. F!

Edit 4: Texted with my brother, and as usual he doesn't seem to get my troubles. But at least now the tears are coming.

I so totally relate to this, @AgentQ9A

Thank you @Breaking Dawn. Things have slowly been coming to a head and I think that it's time for me to be at an end. My brain just can't be fixed and I don't have any positive step forward. My dogs' shots are current and I have a few small things to take care of, so a few more days, but I really am done with life this time. They say that people who've made this decision feel a sense of relief and become calmer, but all I can think about is abandoning my dogs. They're older, so would be unlikely to be adopted and I have no trust that my brother will take them. I have one of them looking at me right now as I'm crying and typing. I hate to abandon them, they deserve better, but I just can't keep going. I mean things are BAD when even the 2 things that have kept me going are no longer working. I hate myself for hurting them. But even if I didn't have that pain, I feel so much pain and hopelessness that I just have to do something. And only one thing seems to make sense to me right now.

@AgentQ9A, When I get into these moods I later on change my mind, & then I'm glad I am alive to witness so many wonderful things. I love Nature, Sprlngtime flowers & birds, music, science, especially about our sun & planets, & wonderful books, & learning new things, & I plan to get back to my healthier routine that made me feel happy & looking forward to things. This is a very hard time. It's really hard. But it's not going to stay this way. It's going to be much better, just like when things got better in the past.

Thanks again @Breaking Dawn! I was just chatting and that helped a little. Like I've read before, I don't want to die, but I just want the pain to stop and I just don't see anyway other way to stop it. I will give it another day and see if things are better. It is indeed a hard time, I hope it does get better. For all of us.

I appreciate your help and input.

Sorry for still posting. I'm having a very weird day. I almost feel normal and maybe even a little positive about the future. It's scary. I've been telling myself that I'll be leaving life soon enough, but today I feel almost... good? It's freaking me out. After the last week, I don't know what to make of it. I know I should just focus on today and try to enjoy it. Maybe this is the universe's way of screwing with me. F'r!

I am feeling the anxiety but also feeling a sense of hope. Yesterday I fulfilled some goals, & that encourages me.

Im glad youre feeling better than you were @AgentQ9A
Im sending positive thoughts and hugs your way
You never have to apologise for posting!


Im really glad you are feeling hope! Well done for fulfilling some goals!


I just checked my messages and realised that Im supposed to be playing for my sport's team tonight but I havent played for over a month because of COVID restrictions and Im so anxious! I dont even know if Ive got the energy.

Im thinking about avoiding it but all I can hear is my therapist telling me how I am an anxious-avoidant person and I need to try to manage this