****BIG TRIGGER, SUICIDE MENTIONED*****









Hello,

I'm feeling really down since coming from my weekend pass. I felt urges to SI on Saturday, and now I feel urges to SI, run away from hospital, and kill myself. I feel hopeless, like when I first came into hospital over 2 MONTHS AGO. Why is it taking so long for me to feel close to normal? I'm so sad.

On Friday my Cymbalta dose was increased to 60mg and I'm wondering if that could be why I feel so ******...but another part of me doesn't care WHY I feel bad...just wants it to go away.

[Shakti]

Mostly that's what we all want--for it to go away. So you are not alone there. You've been in hospital for a while now, and while it may be very very frustrating, it's the safest best place for you...and if you try to kill yourself and fail, you'll be there again. If you succeed, you'll be there anyway...in the morgue. Please be patient and know that we ALL know this feeling and we all definitely can relate. This is so difficult, this hand we've been dealt, but:

YOUR ILLNESS IS LYING TO YOU.

Really. It is.

Stay safe, ok? TELL someone in hospital (like a doctor, not a friend) about your urges (if you haven't already). And oh my GOSH, yes, of course--changes in meds are HARD. That may account for every bit of how you feel right now. Again, mention it to your doc. If nothing else they may just more closely monitor you. Or maybe an increase in the Cymbalta puts you at a level where it is just too high for you. I'm like that with a lot of meds: lower can be better with some. For me anyway. Talk to your doctors and please please stay safe.



I wish there was a big infinite bucket we could all dump our inappropriate sadness into. But there's not. We have what we have. Don't give up.

If nothing else, if you are not 100000000% honest (not that I'm saying you aren't, but DUMP it all on 'em! That's what they are there for!!) with your doctors they cannot help you get to where you need to be. And keep your expectations realistic. There will probably always be challenges. But try to have hope. Trite words when we feel so ******, I know, but we're in this together, all millions of us with mental illnesses. We're not alone. YOU are not alone.

Awww, ohseedee--you will be in my thoughts, ok? I've been really in a bad place too lately and it's an awful place to be. Hoping things start to look up for you soon... And stay safe, ok?
Where did you go on your weekend pass? (Only if you're inclined to talk about it, of course.)

[BlackPup]

Keep on going, I promise you it WILL get better.
I know it feels like it will be bad forever and the meds are all horrible and don't work, but they WILL find you drugs that works and life WILL be good one day...
It took me and my doctor a long time to find the right drugs... and while it was happening I spent most of the time wanting to kill myself, it was there in my head and wouldn't shut up... I really glad now that I didn't listen.

I agree with Shakti - tell your doctor everything... my doctor is the only one who gets to know everything that is going on - uncensored... it helps so that he can make the best decisions. Make sure you let them know any side effects or if your mood suddenly changes - maybe the drugs have made things worse...

Remember, little steps, one day at a time, if that gets to hard, one hour at a time, if that gets to hard, take one minute at a time - nice big deep breaths and let all the bad stuff go away

YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS

[sanityseeker]

((((((((ohseedee)))))))))

I hope you start to feel better soon. It will get better hun. We are all here for you.

[sugahorse1]

((OHSEEDEE)) - I'm so sorry my friend.
I can only echo what's been said - you're in hospital so ask them for help. You've come so far, you really cannot even think about bailing out now.
Cut yourself some slack; I'm sure the meds are also giving you a hard time.
But please hang in there and check in with us regularly.
We all love you dearly - you are not alone. You know that this depression and these thoughts will pass.
And the lovely things you did this weekend, on your pass, will all be a normal part of your life once you are discharged - now that's something to look forward to!

[Christine001]

Hi,
(((((Ohseedee)))))
I am sorry you are feeling as you do.
when I came out of hospital it was really hard. sounds like you need to have a lot of daily support in place when ready to go home, which i didnt have.

What i experienced is people so wanted me to be better and i didnt want to disappoint them so didnt tell them. that didnt help

Please talk to them about how you feel and what is really going on for you.
xx Chris.

Thank you everyone,

Yesterday I DID run away from hospital, with intent to kill myself. But as I was running away, I realized I was coming closer to my best friend's house and instead went there. We talked for a bit, and he drove me back. I told my doc about everything...how I felt on the weekend and why I ran away. He's taking me off the Cymbalta, he told me that anti-depressants are NOT for me...we will stick with anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers. He has also taken away all outdoor passes for now, and has put me on a Form so I have to stay for at least two weeks.

I am still feeling suicidal, but not as strongly. My father is very angry with me for what I've done, but at this point I just can't deal with that right now. We are also wondering if ECT is a good option right now.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks to the angels who guided you to your friends house instead of acting on your lost intentions. I am a big believer in angels or whatever you want to call that energy force that gives us cause to do something that will bring us back to safety, if we listen. Thank goodness you listened and found your way back to safety.

You are where you need to be right now sweety. Glad to hear the doctor has adjusted your meds. I hear all the times about how anti-D's can trigger SI's.

Your dad is angry because he loves you, doesn't want to loose you and is frustrated that he doesn't know how to help you. I lost more than a few friends post attempts. Unless you have been there you can't understand how the defeated talk gets to you. Hopefully your dad will come around when the shock and hurt wears thinner.

Take it slow is probably wise advise right now. Get the meds working for you instead of against you and take one step at a time from there. You are getting the care you need and it will get better.

Wishing you well. May the sun shine through your windows today.

[greylove]

ohseedee......my goes out to you. I know how you are feeling. I've been in that bad place before, and acted on it before anyone , or anything, was there to help me. You are in the best place possible and you are safe as long as you stay there for now. Your meds will be adjusted......you'll get the combination you need to stay healthy. We both will. And you will go back home......reach deep and hang on. I'm so grateful that I'm here and I know that somehow I'm going to be in a better place if I just keep hanging on for dear life. You are not alone in this. Please, please be safe, the urge will pass.....the right combination of meds (which I'm waiting for, along with probable hospitalization) will get us out of this. Much love and caring......greylove

[Skully]

Sorry to hear that your weekend pass didn't go so well. Maybe no passes are best for you right until you start to feel better. I know it sucks because it gives you something to look forward to it may not be what is best for you. If you are bipolar your pdoc should have known better than to put you on an antidepressant in the first place! It usually doesn't meet with good results and increased suicidal thinking. Some can get away with it but most cannot.

[mommasuesue]

ohseedee , I wish I could just hug and hold ya til you get better !
when I was in the hospital thats all i wanted was someone to show me some love !!!
so here is some love from me !

Thanks everyone. Your words mean so much at this time.
My dad sent me an email...saying he was just shocked & frustrated yesterday, but he loves me and is just glad I'm OK. Things are well between us. In that sense, I am very happy.

[thinker22]

I have read through the thread before and didn't know quite what to say, but I feel for your deep pain and am so glad to hear that you're having a part in the clouds today. I hope it lasts a long time.

[BNLsMOM]

I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. I don't really have any advice, just want you to know you aren't alone.

[Amandas256]

Ohseedee. I am so sorry that things have been so tough on you! I just got out of the hospital because I OD'ed. I promise you that trying to end your life is not the answer. I know how hard it is but, you are in the right place for now so keep your head up and keep trying. It will get better for the both of us! I'm so glad that I joined this site and met you! You have to keep pushing forward. All of us do! We at least have each other!

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Amandas256

Ohseedee. I am so sorry that things have been so tough on you! I just got out of the hospital because I OD'ed. I promise you that trying to end your life is not the answer. I know how hard it is but, you are in the right place for now so keep your head up and keep trying. It will get better for the both of us! I'm so glad that I joined this site and met you! You have to keep pushing forward. All of us do! We at least have each other!

Really glad to hear from you, was worried about you...
...please don't make us all worry again

[sanityseeker]

So glad you received such an encouraging email from your dad today ohseedee. wishing you well.

((((((amanda))))))) thank you for sharing and reminding us all how fragile we are and that together we can keep the hope alive in each of us. Blessings.

[Amandas256]

Thanks Blackpup and sanityseeker. Sorry to have made you worry!

[sugahorse1]

ohseedee - I'm here for you if you want to talk. I hear your frustrations of wanting to just get out, of wanting to be happy.
I'm sure the mail from your dad must have made you feel amazing and given you some encouragement to look forward.
Maybe consider the ECT - you have been in hospital a long time, and doctors have tried a whole lot of differenet meds on you, with limited success.
I wish I could just give you a hug, as i know how great it makes me feel.
Hang in there.

[Shakti]

I am SO glad you went back, TALKED to your doc, and got off the anti-dep, which, as the poster said above, are noted for their ability to induce suicidal ideation and attempts. Weird, huh? That a med meant to make you level and normal can instead make you want to kill yourself. Quite the dichotomy.

You may feel crappy now, but the purpose for taking you off the Cymbalta was to combat this feeling. but you HAVE to give your brain and body time to adjust to going on and then off a med, especially one like that. I have found that anti-deps are the hardest to get off of psychologically, especially for people who maybe shouldn't be on them in the first place. Give it time. Please just give it time. Once the Cymbalta is out of your system you will feel much better, but it doesn't happen overnight.

This has been a long ordeal for you, but hang in there.

How are you doing today, ohseedee?

[owllover99]

ohseedee, I am so glad you're still with us. Your life is hard right now but it will get better. Keep us posted, good or bad. We care about you and want to know how you are and try to help even if it's only a kind word. It is good you have friends on the outside too. I've been there more than once and wanted to end it all. I'm so glad they have changed your meds.

[sanityseeker]

Hi ohseedee.... been thinking about how important it is to have a good defense to the offensive of SI thoughts. I get the feeling that once we have made an attempt the idea never leaves us. There are always triggers causing us to consider it the only way to end the pain. So I think we all need to find our best defense to those vulnerable moments we will face. Maybe we can cast them out completely but meanwhile a good defense is required.

For me it is my son. My mother took her own life and the pain of loosing her never leaves me and my syblings. I have promised myself that I will never do that to my son. No matter how bad things get I will not cause him the pain my mother caused me. I love my mother dearly. I love her as much as I could have ever loved her had she not gotten lost in the darkest place of her pain.

This is my defense that comes to my rescue everytime my pain takes me into the darkness. I love my son too much to leave him with the pain of loosing me. Even me at my worst is better for him than no me at all. I know this because I know what it is like to loose a loved one to SI. I know life is precious and worth every effort to find the lights. My son turns the lights on in my darkness.

Let those who love you ohseedee keep the lights on for you. Let that love be your defense going forward.

I hope this was okay to share with you. My prayer is for you to find that defense that will keep you safe no matter what.

You are loved.

I am doing better today. Although I don't have walking passes outside, I was allowed out today to go to my TOPS (Therapeutic Outpatient Program Services, I think) meeting. They interviewed me and showed me around the place, and decided I'm a good match for their Wednesday group, which is more educational. So I will most likely be allowed to go to the Wednesday group tomorrow, and the lady said this week they're focusing on interpersonal skills. So I'm looking forward to that.

HOWEVER, something did bother me today, although I know I shouldn't get all hung up on diagnoses. I have two psychiatrists here, and they both have different diagnoses for me! My main one said he thinks I have a "Mood Disorder NOS, with Bipolar 2 tendencies, and Borderline Personality Disorder", and the other thinks "Bipolar 1 Disorder". I'm not sure if he agrees on the Borderline. So I was originally super angry about the Borderline, saying I didn't have it, no way...but later I did research and it's painfully obvious that I DO have it. So now I'm trying to come to terms with it.