[sugahorse1]

I'm having those thoughts. I need to shake them. While it is my life and my decisions, I know they can hurt others. And there are people in my life that don't deserve it.
I just really need to be at peace

[sugahorse1]

anyone???????????????

Sugahorse? What thoughts?

[sugahorse1]

I just feel broken and empty. like I've been trying to fill that void, trying to make sense of my life. Trying to find a purpose. But I keep coming up with nothing. A stupid cycle of giving my soul to a career - in order to receive a pay-cheque and then cycle begins again.
There's just no reason to keep going round in circles.

[midnight_soul]

I just really need to be at peace

I see you love horses, yes? Try taking your beautiful horse for soft peaceful ride. Look all around you, breathe in your suroundings. Love on your horse, talk to him/her and then allow all of "those thoughts" be released even for a day with a hard long run.

Maybe that sounds stupid, but I to have love for horses and before I got to sick to ride, there were days I would do what i just suggested for you. After the ride of course I did all the things us riders do, the brushing down of our most loved animal, carressing it etc. Heck many times I would lay back on a bail of hay while my horse was resting, and would take in all the smells of nature, even the yucky ones.

Now I am unable to ride due to all the surgeries I have had on my back but one day, I plan on riding again anyway.

Shuga, just try it the way I said it. Of course it won't bring a forever peace, neither I or you would be here if it was so simple like that. But just for a day, I pray you will try.

I to have "those thoughts" and like yourself, I don't wish to harm any one. I also just want peace but for me.....there are to many things standing in my way. You my friend have this horse, so let it help you to heal for moments at a time.

Try, and let me know.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Midnight - hoping that by the time I get out the office the rain hasn't started. Else I'm just going straight home and into bed. My poor boyfriend just doesn't understand and feels so helpless

[madisgram]

sugar, i found peace/serenity finally and now i try very hard to protect that vital part of me no matter what other ppl try to do. trying so hard and feeling like you fall short is only frustrating you. you love your horse...start there. give the love to him and he will return it. that's a beginning...then build on that.
if you love nature be aware of it. if you like ppl value them in your life and give love to them. it will be returned, etc.
all these actions will give your life purpose. i know because i am doing it.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Madis - I tend to give too much of myself to others, in hope of getting some sense of accomplishment and happiness, and fulfillment out of it. But I end up giving too much of myself. I don't have too many people that are willing to give to me. Hence I keep a very small friendship circle.
I need to be able to wake up without tears, with a joy to tackle the day. To want to keep going.
Right now it's hard, I'm tired of feeling this way.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Thanks Madis - I tend to give too much of myself to others, in hope of getting some sense of accomplishment and happiness, and fulfillment out of it. But I end up giving too much of myself. I don't have too many people that are willing to give to me. Hence I keep a very small friendship circle.
I need to be able to wake up without tears, with a joy to tackle the day. To want to keep going.
Right now it's hard, I'm tired of feeling this way.

You are so conscious of the things that make you tired; too smart to give up. Let your sense of accomplishment come not from your outside actions, but from the knowledge that you try every single day against odds that ordinary people would crumble under.

Having a small friendship circle isn't such a bad thing. I would rather cultivate a few beautiful flowers than have a yard full of okay flowers, weeds, rocks and bugs. The people that really matter could get lost in all that. You could get lost in all that. Give extra love and attention to the few beautiful flowers - starting with yourself. Tons of hugs and peaceful, happy vibes coming your way.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks PT - leaving work now, and hopefully can get straight into PJs and bed. Sorry everyone else - rain is coming down, and horse will have to wait until tomorrow. Saw him on Fri, and rode on Sat (In scorching 30 degree celcius plus heat).

I think it scares me that on the whole I consider myself fairly in tune with my emotions, but these are some strong ones I cannot always keep under control. I've succumbed once before, it makes a second time appear even easier

[PT52]

I know it's hard to believe when you're feeling this way, but try to remind yourself that it would be a permanent response to a temporary problem. PJs, and bed and sleep - let it be a healing thing

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Thanks PT - leaving work now, and hopefully can get straight into PJs and bed. Sorry everyone else - rain is coming down, and horse will have to wait until tomorrow. Saw him on Fri, and rode on Sat (In scorching 30 degree celcius plus heat).

I think it scares me that on the whole I consider myself fairly in tune with my emotions, but these are some strong ones I cannot always keep under control. I've succumbed once before, it makes a second time appear even easier

[BNLsMOM]

Suga, I hope that you are feeling a little better after your sleep. I understand where you are coming from. my T offered words that have helped a bit. He said to me that it is a difficut time of year for many, and the stress involved is regretable, however if we can focus on what we are grateful for in the small quiet moments, it can help keep us going. I am paraphrasing him, but he also said that gratitute is more powerful if we practice it all year round.

I told him it is hard to do, but I am aware of the things I should be grateful for, and I feel guilty that I find many of them to be burdens. He then told me that it is my illness that makes it so difficult and that there is nothing to feel guilty about, and most importantly, to practice during the good times so these skills are available in the hard times.

I am still working on this myself and I think it will be a life long process, but maybe each time a cycle happens, we can be a little more at peace because we will be able to access some more healthy behaviors to draw from.

[venusss]

Suga... you mention giving too much... you shouldn't. You need to consider yourself first.

And I don't know how far you are into the spiritual/alternative approach... but for me when being around people, it greatly helps to create an energetic shield (it can be expandable/flexible aura, an "egg"...). Oversensitive people tend to pick up on the negative vibes... and there are people who feed of others. I don't want to go into this further, in case it might be triggering for you... but it might protect against some of the feeling of vulnerability.

Originally Posted by sugahorse

...I think it scares me that on the whole I consider myself fairly in tune with my emotions, but these are some strong ones I cannot always keep under control..

If we totally could keep them under control and/or not have such strong ones... well, we probably wouldn't have BP, right? It's part of the nature of it, and not our fault. Sure wish we could. It's something I'm struggling mightily with at this time too, then feeling guilty about it happening at the worst possible time and not being able to control it, and 'round and 'round it goes. You are such a supportive person and sooo many here can personally attest to this. You feel that you tend to give too much of yourself to others. It is perfectly OK to ease back in the realm of overextending yourself in the interest of taking care of yourself! Such as trying to not to put "should" and "must" in the automatic brain tapes (easier said than done, but still one of the most useful strategies I learned in therapy).
Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way, sweetie!

[BlackPup]

Sometimes trying to STOP or CONTROL emotions can be damaging (stopping bad thought is still good though). Don't judge or condem yourself for what you feel, acknowledge it and try to let it pass by, like a cloud in the sky.
When you need comfort and to withdraw and hide, let yourself, be aware of what you are doing and enjoy the comfort of your PJs, bed, couch and TV or books...
Allow yourself to indulge, but then go back out into the world, refreashed, being gentle and sensitive to yourself...
and

Thank you for telling us.I want to relate something to you.You tell me if you're feeling any better now .Ok?
I feel trapped in a vacume of cycles.It seems so repetitive ,and as if it were a staircase we do not ascend.Like the same patterns repeat ,as if all our efforts are futile attempts and delusions when we find our selves happy for a moment.
Something seizes us and shakes us and we begin to feel as though whatever progress was made ,had been lost.Like walking down an up escalator.This feeling follows failures and set backs and disappointments originating within or being projected from the outside.
Yet,if ,for a moment ,you can step back and evaluate life in 5 year spans,what patterns do you see?(patterns of thought /behavior)Which are working for you and which aren't? What progress has there been? Have you had revision in your self perception?Given yourself credit for all you've overcome?Have you taken account of where you are and where you want life to take you to?
Take a moment to think of what is a realistic amount of giving and what isn't.You have needs ,needs for time to do the things you have to do and what you want to do.Just do an inventory of where lines need to be drawn...if only in the sand.So they can be redrawn in appropriate places for appropriate circumstance.
As far as the downcast heart,what in life is pleasing you? When you set all the frustrations aside all the built tensions,at the bottom of it all,what brings you pleasure in life? Going for a sunset walk? Brushing your horse at dawn? Enjoying the roar of a fire,or soft music while you read? Whatever it is,fit in a small amount of time in the day to self soothe,another weekly portion of time and a monthly portion.Plan things so you are looking forward .Don't miss the joy you can withdraw from the moment at hand.~WO.olfy

[Omers]

I don't know your horses temperment but one of my favorite things is to get on mine in the arena or roundpen (usually bareback and bridaless), close my eyes and keep her walking. Doesn'y matter where she goes just that she keeps walking. The warmth of her body coming up through me, the gentle swaying motion, the sound of her feet on the sand and her hay breath.... even if you can't ride try to meditate on the experience of riding by bringing up all the different sensory parts of a ride. And (short of lightening) a ride in the rain can be really great too... taking in all the wonderful senses of riding and the clensing feeling of the rain coming down on you washing away the crud of the day. I also have a bracelet and a key chain made from my horses hair (just a little clip from under the tail and braided...) I hold it and feel it as I meditate on riding when I can't be with her... It also has a really nice side effect... my riding has improved!

[sugahorse1]

@ Omers. My horse is great, with a lovely temperament. I sometimes take him for a walk bareback (But with a headcollar) around the field and just let my emotions run free. I've also sat on his back in the stable while he was eating, with tears pouring down my face. Horses have a way of bringing out the real emotions that you otherwise tend to bottle up.

@Wolfsong - I think I give a lot of emotional things into my relationship, and neglect myself in the process. My boyfriend provides most earthly and monetary things - but that's not what I require. I have only recently started to be completely honest with him about my emotional needs - basically I'm too exhausted to walk on my own, and need his emotional support. At the moment I am too numb to really know what makes me hapy. Some days (Probably when I'm hypomanic) I really enjoy shopping. Not over the top, but just being able to spoil myself. It makes me happy when I can help others (But then this becomes a catch-22). And at the moment my bed is my solace - I'm happiest when i can run away and not feel. I don't really have the energy to read a good book, which I used to do a lot. I enjoy playing puzzle type games on my computer (At the moment it's Chuzzles). I have made a really intricate Excel spreadsheet for my boyfriend to run his business with, and that gave me a sense of accomplishment.

@Blackpup - I need to learn how to live my emotions, and stop the negative thoughts. I've just bought a BP worksbook that I actually need to invest some time in.

@Innerzone - I wish it was as easy to wash away the guilt and understand the full effect that BP has on person. But what part of the person sitting infront of this computer right now is Jackie, and what is the BP? I almost feel like a demon has entered my body is calling the shots. Like I am no longer in control of who or what I am. I don't know myself anymore.

@ Venus - I used to be a strong Christian; I still am to an extent. I totally understand the negative karma part too. I pick up on aura's very easily, and cannot handle people that are emotionally incongruent.

@BNL - I hear where you are coming from - focus on the good you have in your life, the things you ought to be grateful for. But in the throws of depression, it is hard to look outwards. I agree that this way of thinking needs to become a habit, and it starts during the times when you are feeling stable.

@PT - it is rather frightening when you realise it's a permanent decision. I actually read that quote on a website I stumbled upon yesterday while looking for suicide prevention methods. It does hit home. What I also read, and what makes so much sense - a person committing suicide is not looking to die - but rather to escape the pain.
If only I could go into temporary sleep mode (Call it coma if you want) until the painful cycle is over. We all know the darkness will eventually lift - it's just surviving it that is difficult.

I have taken on a lot of responsiblity for someone my age (25 in December). I haven been with my boyfriend for 5 years now (Barring a 6 month break); I have decided to try walk this BP story partially on my own (As in, my parents have not been involved) I work in a high-profile job, with lots of responsiblities, earning more than a person my age should (Hence the increased pressure on me to perform). I help out in my boyfriend's business where I have a 5% stake. I am still getting to know myself and what makes me tick.
I am a very logical and analytical person, which makes BP even worse for me, as I need to find a reason for everything.

I really appreciate your inputs. I'm still very down and exhausted - think I may take Thursday off work...? But the sui thoughts have definitely subsided. My pdoc once said that sui thoughts need to be taken serious, but often hospitalisation is not needed, as they tend to only last for a few hours. In my case it probably was correct - but if I'd been able to get home earlier than I did, the likelihood of me having taken an OD would have been huge. I actually mentioned to my bf that he should probably monitor my med intake - but he doesn't yet understand what meds are my regular and acceptable ones, and which would pose a problem.

I really appreciate all your inputs and support - I hope I didn't trigger anyone. Please keep your comments coming - they mean a lot to me!

[Lexaproman]

Hey let's face it most of us would describe ourselves as a shell of what we could be or should be. So the "thoughts" are there for all of us I would bet.

@Suga - hang in there and try and continue to fight the overwhelming feelings of struggle and battle and accentuate any positives you can find. Joy and peace can be cultivated, they really can.

It won't end the other feelings but it doesn't take away what good you build!

[sugahorse1]

Today it's just pure emotions - I'm crying and feeling very emotional. Forcing myself to get some work done.

[Trippin2.0]

[Omers]

Re: Meds. I have a TON of different pills in my house. Every new foster kid that came in had a new assortment and when they left some took their meds others didn't. It is sometimes useful for when someone comes in on the same med and same dose without their meds and this is very common. Then I have mine and my sons if he is on any. So OD is a very real threat for me when depression hits. I have a friend supervise me once a week while I put the pills in one of those things with the days on it so you remember your meds. He then locks the other meds back in a lock box. It doesn't totally solve the problem as I could do damage with what I have out but I know I would most likely just get really sick on top of the depression. The other possibility may be to mark the meds that may be dangerous. I am in the US but we have a store that has color coated rings they put on the meds for you so you can tell whos meds are whos. Something similar may let your BF know which ones to watch.
When I had kids in my house that may get into pills (some to OD but others thought they were candy... all sorts of crazy things!) all meds were locked. However, I also had a red binder on hand that has all the information in it on what to do for an accidental overdose of each med in the house. You can usually get the information from who ever makes the medication or we have poison control that also has that information.
It does sound like you have a lot on your plate right now. I know how tempting sleep is when depressed (and if it is a suicidal time that I think will pass in less than a day... I sleep all day... better that going inpatient)but try to do some of the other, more active self care things you do (if you want to or not). Also, plan something really nice for yourself or even plan a get together that you would feel obligated to be at. Sometimes having to look foreward to something can make us keep going despite ourselves.
I'm sorry if this all sounds cold and technical. I too am very depressed right now and can't even fake the warm fuzzys. And, like you, I turn to thinking and I have had to make a bunch of safety plans over the years.
2 thoughts on giving too much of yourself that others have shared with me... 1. If you don't take care of yourself first you will not have anything valuble to give to others. 2. Sometimes when we are caring for others we are depriving them of the opportunity to learn to care for themselves and actually doing more harm than good. Raising my son (who has autism among other things) has made me really work on those two thoughts. They are hard to learn (I still suck at it) but worth it in the end.
One last thought... it sounds like you are very good at helping to run a business. Could you make a budget of your time/energy to give you a guide? or maybe come up with a business plan on how to best use yourself for YOU?
yep... overthinking again... I'll shut up (for now).

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Omers. I've read your post and it does hit home. I totally understand. I'm not sure my boyfriend wants to be too involved in the whole meds thing - I think it scares him a little.
I'll get through this. I think for now the worst is behind me. 1 week til I see my pdoc. And if i have to leave her rooms without a script for an anti-dep; I'm walking out and going straight to my GP - sorry for my T if she has an issue with it; she doesn't have to live my life.
I hate having the suicial thoughts, I hate having to be the responsible one, I hate having to put a mask on, I hate having to be there 100% for my bf, I hate my job - I just want to out to be me again!!

[sugahorse1]

Feeling a lot more stable today. Gosh, those last 2 days really floored me

[Trippin2.0]

Glad you're feeling better, hope it only gets better from here on...XOXO