[hopeless2015]

I woke up this morning 1 minute before the alarm was to go off....how irratating!! Feeling better, no coughing last night. Dr appt this afternoon. I just still feel very weak, like weak in the legs and deep breaths still hurt. Will see what Dr says. Anyway, I'm at work and trying to get through full days. I know I don't have enough vacation and sick leave to cover all this time off. Hopefully they will approve the unpaid time cause it's not fmla this time. I think they will, I was so obviously sick...what could I do? Anyway, all this pneumonia business has certainly distracted me from my mi issues.

I am super irritable. I haven't felt this way in a LOOOONG time.

The last time I felt like this, I went on a horrible rampage. Destroyed my laptop, my phone, kicked a hole in my door, and intentionally shattered two plates by throwing them on the ground. I had also shoved my dad against the wall and punched him in the cheek

SH_T

I feel like I'm unmedicated again

Awwww, Lefty!!!! Sending good thoughts your way.

Haven't been around and checking in much. Kind of depressed (it feels like meds are blunting that somewhat, which is ok by me).

But mostly anxiety. Social security hearing results were negative. The frustration of that is majorly compounded as it very much seems that it was this particular judge's judgemental attitude and incorrect assumptions that kept it from happening.

That was our last financial hope, as all reserves we've been eeking by on are nearly gone. So now we are selling our stuff to try to keep homelessness at bay. So yes, lots of anxiety. Having to knock myself out at night, otherwise it's rumination and panic.

Have 2 appts. today. One to go over meds, the other therapy, which I'm going to find out what housing help might be available (they work a lot with people in situations). I'm so VERY apprehensive.

Innerzone, I'm so very sorry to hear of what you are dealing with. That sounds so stressful I cannot even imagine how you must be feeling. Was this your final appeal?

Thanks, ElsaMars. This is from the first hearing (the part after the 2 initial denials, the second being a rubber stamp formality --also exasperating).

I'm going after the second hearing, but the lawyer said it will probably be yet another a year and a half away (just like waiting between the second denial and the first hearing). (Which would make it like 5 years of effort(!!!!!)

Problem is, financially we can't last anything near that. I roughly figure we can eek out maybe a couple months. I don't have it figured exactly because it sends me into such bad panic. (I haven't even been able to read the decision in full because it upsets me so much.) Ugh.

I am actually handling it better than expected, but it is probably more numb shock than good coping skills. Everyone involved thought I'd get it. So frustrating that one person can have so much power over it.

[pirilin]

I want to quit trying to lose weight. Or reducing the lifesaver around my waist. My main problem. I went from a 32' waist to a lose 40' now. 35lbs all around my waist.
First the Lithium. Then Abilify. I'm taking a some adderall anf wellbutrin and still eat like a horse.
The more I exercise, the hungrier I become. I crave sweets like never before. And peanut butter (with honey).
Sometimes I just want to be fat. 200lb @ 5'9'. But it can get worse. I've seen 220 a few times in my life.
I'm too close to the fridge. All day. Nothing much to do besides playing poker. Which sounds passive, but every time I lose, to the fridge I go. If I win, I go faster to celebrate.
What's wrong with being chubby?. I'm 67yrs young. Old people get fat, right?.
I'm gonna quit. Like everything else in my life. I'm a professional quitter.
Or maybe not. I just saw myself in the mirrow. More adderall.

[gina_re]

Hooray I feel much much better! Two weeks with no decrease in my mood whatsoever. I've been doing pretty decent on my new 'diet' and have been actively reading and practicing my faith as well. I haven't felt genuine happiness in so long. Not that fake happiness where you just feel better from the meds and can get through the days. No sleep deprivation or crazy things happening, so I doubt any hypomania is present. Just getting better and being more productive at work. I went to see my T yesterday and he said we'll see how things go over the next two weeks and develop a plan to see how often I need to see him. Definitely not every week anymore (plus that was killing my wallet!).
Hopefully all is well with you all, and if not, hugs to you!!

Innerzone, I hear you on your frustration of people with power who use it unjustly....it's so frustrating to have morons with zero compassion hold power over your life. I hope things turn around for you. I will be thinking of you.

[Shadowmeph]

the mental health system where I live is very messed up. about I think 2weeks ago I was told that I cannot see the Psyc that I had just seen because of the Fraser mental health can only do 2 visits, they told me that they would find a local Psyc and then call me. well the Meds that Psyc gave me Quetiapine) are causing major muscles spasms and also Migraines . and I haven't received any calls about a new Psyc. my sleep still isn't happening and to be honest if it wasn't for a friend of mine down that hall ( Zopiclone) that I break in half and take as little as possible just to get 2-3 hrs every other day.

[Naynay99]

Just wrote a whole message and got kicked off so its gone. Ah well.

To summarize- fffuuucckk everything.

I Couldn't find a single ****ing place with privacy in this whole damn building to speak with my gp. I Finally do get in touch and he says I can't take the Ritalin bc of another med I have to take.. I email my pdoc and get auto reply saying he is out of office thru3/31, and that he can see me on 4/6. Wtf I jus feel done.
Psychiatry is all bullshat. Meds barely work. Im tired of all of this already.
Ready to implode. Almost burst into tears earlier. I want to go home and smash all my dishes (bonus- then I won't have to wash them.
The universe can go **** itself while I sit here and scream in my car.

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Just wrote a whole message and got kicked off so its gone. Ah well.

To summarize- fffuuucckk everything.

I Couldn't find a single ****ing place with privacy in this whole damn building to speak with my gp. I Finally do get in touch and he says I can't take the Ritalin bc of another med I have to take.. I email my pdoc and get auto reply saying he is out of office thru3/31, and that he can see me on 4/6. Wtf I jus feel done.
Psychiatry is all bullshat. Meds barely work. Im tired of all of this already.
Ready to implode. Almost burst into tears earlier. I want to go home and smash all my dishes (bonus- then I won't have to wash them.
The universe can go **** itself while I sit here and scream in my car.

Im so sorry Naynay. I was in a similar boat recently ....completely fed up with the lies and bullchit spewed by so called professional healers. More like professional sadists. I'm taking my power back and fighting it to the top. Don't let these azzholes steal your power. (((Hugs)))

today I had a survey come through my letterbox I had to fill out, just about how I am finding my mental health treatment/ experience

was so satisfying to tick most of the questions with not happy- could do better, then to write in extra comments, your service is crap

spent most of the rest of the day blaring music

accept for when I ate of course.

had toad in the hole for dinner

[Unrigged64072835]

After two attempts and digging through last year's returns, the IRS accepted this year's return. So now we wait. The money will probably go to classes, as both my husband and I want to go back to school. We'll have to spend next month's money on a new roof. Yay.

Wrote a poem and a blog post for my site.

Anxiety hit again this afternoon so I took a nap. It seemed to help.

My back is doing better now that I swapped shoes.

Mood is stable for the time being. That may change with ice cream.

Just found out that Rainyday107 deleted her account. So sad. I will miss her.

She just was here the other day, too.

I hope she comes back at some point, but that's just wishful thinking.

Anyway, I'm thinking about taking tomorrow off from work. I'm not doing so great.

[Naynay99]

Back at home. I think my outing today was a much better choice than just going home and curling up in a ball waiting to die. So that's good.

I Blasted music at top volume w my window down and heat on high, and screamed along to the songs while drivig down the highway. Cathartic. And healthier than punching a wall
I saw a really bizzare movie w the twilight vampire girl actress.
Then got some soup for dinner and went to a dbsa meeting.

The meeting was actually helpful I think. I got there early and that part seemed a bit awkward. But there were some cool people. And I think I feel a little less fragile than I did this afternoon. So I think I might try to go weekly if I can. It's a bit of a hike tho. Idk.

I actually made plans for both sat and sun so I can't sleep 18 hours a day this weekend. I am trying. Still here.
Take care all.

[Altarian]

so the pendulum has started swinging the other way and my mania is hitting me hard. I almost got into a physical altercation with a coworker yesterday over nothing. A different coworker told me today i looked like i mentally snapped and looked like i was an escapee for some institution.

[MobiusPsyche]

I told my mom I'd stopped taking my mood stabilizer. I said it was okay because I haven't screamed at anyone yet and I've been off it for ten days. She did not sound convinced of the wisdom of this decision. I'm glad she cares about me though.

[hopeless2015]

Dr appt went well yesterday, she listened to my lungs, gave me a pneumonia shot, told me to stay on inhaler for another month and sent me on my way. I haven't had a cigarette since last week and now that I'm feeling better the cravings are kicking in. I haven't bought a pack yet though and just did the math, I've saved $45 since Sunday not buying any smokes, I will save over $200 a month not smoking....wow. Still feeling pretty stable mentally and very thankful for that. Plan on starting back up at the gym on Monday

[Moose72]

I skipped the gym yesterday to talk to my good friend on the phone for a long time. So I got up early to go after I dropped the kids at school. I feel all refreshed and happy. I think after this week I'll call Pdoc for a new script so I can try weaning down again off zyprexa. I'm at 10. At 7.5 I felt crappy but I THINK I didn't put pills in my box for week 2. I'm so over zyprexa.

[Mystic_Lotus46]

Hello everyone. New member to this site. So glad to find this Bipolar community that I can relate too. A place I will come often too.

Bipolar Check-in...

Not a good day for me. Listening to calming instrumental music from youtube. I had a rough night from a bad mood episode that was triggered by some bothersome things from earlier in the day that led into overwhelming negative thinking at bedtime. That was my moment to take something for it, but I didn't. I thought I had a handle of the symptoms arising.... obviously not. Managing this disorder is a work in progress. Some days I get it right and I am doing well then there are days I don't get it right and all hell breaks loose. My poor husband! Feel so bad that I took it out on him... again.

[gina_re]

Welcome Mystic Lotus!! We're glad you're here, and everyone here is very supportive.

It was a looooong day, but I made it! So now it's time to get this weekend going. Got some yardwork to take care of, so this will count as my exercise.
Have a good weekend everyone!

Checking in while there's still time. Grateful to have made it this far. Wrote a high-stakes email to an attorney in California, then took enough benzodiazepines to make it go away. The wife came out with a five-year plan that seemed a lot more sustainable than the present ten-year plan. It's been a good morning, in stark contrast to the past six months. I hope that all of you are doing well, or the best you can.

[Faltering]

Still feeling mixed. It's spring break for me and I'm visiting my mom who has untreated bipolar. There has already been conflict. I hope this isn't how the whole break is going to be.

Went and saw mamma mia the play last night. Went out to dinner beforehand. To Italian. This really cool place downtown. It was fun.

It's raining here today. So sick of bad weather. I really need spring to come. Please spring come! Still in a slight depression.

Hugs to anyone who needs them.

[wildflowerchild25]

I honestly don't know what happened. I was fine all day, albeit a bit stressed, but I was in the diner with my son and BAM I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. The blackest, most intense depression just enveloped me. I think it's just a reaction from seeing old couples in the diner. Sometimes when I notice the old couples I get very upset about losing my husband. I'm kind of a mess in my mind right now. I'm so sad because I miss him, resentful because this wasn't supposed to happen, angry at him for being so stupid and dying, and hopeless that I'll ever find anyone else.

Ugh I was gonna relax with a glass of wine tonight but I think I'm just going to go to bed as soon as my son does and try to sleep this off. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.