Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

So I have to be honest with my therapist tomorrow. That's going to be hard. I think this surgery set me back awhile. ED, depression wise. so I am not ready for vocational rehab. I'm not ready to tell her how close I came. Especially since the situation is still ongoing.

I have this weird feeling in my throat and I don't know if its Prestiq withdrawel anxiety or something else. I had some trouble with rice last night but I get throat anxiety too sometimes

Okay, pushed off my gp appointment another month. He is going to kill me when i finally show up. But i am kinda falling apart. I cant take these deadlines. I have no clean clothes and the house is a mess. OTOH, i like the way i am managing myself, giving myself an out, instead of just spinning out. That is new. I am staying conscious and trying to come up with solutions, give myself breathing room, eat more vegetables and proteins!

Last night was kinda rough. I was just a bit restless and doing endless scrolling on my phone. I finally just fell asleep at 9.



I have therapy today. I've dreamt about my transference therapist these last 3 nights and its been a bit tiring since I thought I had gotten over her awhile ago.

I think the prestiq withdrawels are going fine though. What I think is anxiety turns out to be muscle aches or some **** that Tylenol takes care of.

Great drawing! Man you get so much done in a day! I wish you were my mom, lol. No my mom was wonderful. She had so much love to give even though she had it so hard in life. You're a good mom too. I also like fresh bags of steamed veggies.

Well I haven't been here in a while. Log story short the police, I didn't call them and adult protective services got involved in my old caregiver stealing from me. I keep finding more and more stuff she stole. What was I thinking though about letting her just come in and wake me up.

I got a new caregiver that starts Friday. I hope she works out.

I have a zoom appointment with my psychiatrist on the 30th. I'm pretty sure he's going to start taking me off clonazapam. I'm hoping this new caregiver helps me go out driving soon. We already discussed it and she said she would.

I just have such a hard time sleeping. My best friend and I got into an argument, but we've made up. My sister who had surgery to remove the tumor from her lower spine is in a lot of pain and is having horrible balance problems. Especially with turning. My other sister went out Thursday thru Sunday to help her. But she had to go back to work and my sister with balance issues had a dr appointment today but he didn't want my sister going. She's really annoyed.

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I know what it will take to help my back pain some and to get walking again and gain strength in my arms. But I don't do it. I just feel like I want to cry. So overwhelmed. Worried about my son and my sister who lives in Eugene and is drinking herself to death ever since my other sister who lived with her passed 3 years ago. She once was a vice president of a insurance company and now if you talk to her in the day she can make me cry with how mean she can be. Then at night she apologizes but then she doesn't remember what you said. My family is falling apart. 😪

Good morning. I slept well. About 8 hours. I finished a book I was reading. Gonna start the next one in the series today. Plans for today are to get on the treadmill for 45 minutes. Maybe an hour since I’m not taking an outside walk today. I have a volunteer shift with the rescue cats tonight from 6pm to 8pm. So I’ll be getting home anywhere from 8 to 9pm depending how long the shift takes and how long the bus takes to show up after that. Sometimes I miss the most recent bus by a minute or so and have to wait another 30 minutes for the next one. Either way, when I get home I’m gonna eat dinner, take my night meds. Read and relax for a couple hours then go to sleep. Also gonna do my 15 minutes of stress relief yoga today and probably some weights and squats with resistance bands. I slept solidly through the night. When I woke up my cat Mustachio was laying on me purring. Always a nice way to wake up.

My mood is good. I feel less scatterbrained now that I’m actually sleeping. Also less racing thoughts at night. I’ve been doing good with sleep hygiene too.

Time to make breakfast soon. Having sourdough toast with avocado and a fried egg on top. Just enjoying some decaf coffee and some music right now.

I’m hoping his continues with getting good sleep. Last spring I was manic really severely. I guess this is the time it typically happens for me. I still feel really high energy but not really hypomanic anymore at least I think not. I’m not impulsively texting people too much, and have been sleeping more than the 3-4 hours a night I was getting every night. . But I’ll just watch and see how things go.

In other news I haven’t dissociated in like 3 weeks or longer. Which is insane for me. Cause normally it happens at least several times a week and has been that way for many many years.

Sorry, I haven't read through all the posts, just the first couple sentences of each.

I feel horrible today, not moodwise, but physically. I think amazingly Benadryl combined with my prescribed hydroxyzine helped my allergies the most. That or the pollen has lessened. But my body is dead tired, my voice hoarse, I've got a cough & a bit of fever though that went away with a dose of Tylenol. Contemplating just going back to bed. Not sure I can stay up until H leaves for work or just stay up but in bed. Pretty much a toss-up. I slept 10 hr. last night but don't feel I got any sleep at all.

I made it through a pilates video that is usually a snap for me but was not easy today. Should have taken the day off from exercise. Managed a shower at least and 30 min with the SAD lamp when I usually do an hour.

Getting a mammogram this morning. It’s just routine. I got here way early! I always do that!
My apartment inspection is tomorrow. Gotta clean my bedroom and mostly make the bed!

Saw H off to work. Drew a face to shade tomorrow while waiting for laundry to dry (in creative corner). Hopping in bed with a book after eating something, maybe a banana. I am freezing cold though it is warm outside and the thermostat says it is 74F inside. Going to take some Bendryl, maybe Tyelnol after checking my temp.

I'm never sick, this is the first time in 4 or 5 years. I haven't even had COVID. I hate being sick!

Did my exercise for the day. Took a shower. It’s 11am now. Don’t have to leave for the bus to my volunteer shift till 5:15pm so I have most of the rest of the day to relax before I head out.

I wish people would stop talking outside my door in the hallway. It drives me nuts. Maybe I’m just irritable

I fell back asleep and then I woke up at 5:30 feeling really nauseated. But I took care of it with some dramamine, and I got dressed and I went to watch TV. I ate a couple frozen egg bites and I tried carrot juice. I wasn't sure I'd like the juice but I had to hold myself back from drinking the entire bottle. It was so good. I watched some of the Today Show with my mom and then we went to the grocery store, and now I'm waiting until its time to go to therapy. But I feel pretty good right now especially compared to 8:30 last night.

Therapy was ok. I felt crabby but she said I was fine. We just talked about the normal stuff. I said "didn't some big talk show guy die in the last few days?" And she thought I was thinking of Jerry Springer and I said "no it was in the last couple of days." And she googled it and Val Kilmor was the last and I said "I must have dreamt it." I think that creeped her out a bit because what if it happens lol.

I'm kinda in legit stomach pain right now. I took a couple dramamine and some tylenol. My pdoc said this can happen with going off prestiq but this bad.

I still feel just blah. I took my last valium so my anxiety is better. My stomach still hurts. I've eaten today but not since breakfast and I'm not hungry.

I am right across the hall from the elevators. I have built up sound barrier walls of shelves. It takes a little longer to make my way thru the maze when i GOTTA pee, but it is worth it. When i first moved in, i had my chair and bed on the entrance door wall, and i didnt realize it was bothering me so much. Now i hardly hear anything.

two weeks left! 2 projects and im DONE!

My art is done, bla so-so. Did a street lamp and a cobra. My cobra looks like it has an under bite.

Woke late, really into my dream. Really cool fun dream, hard to let go. Ordered groceries last night to be delivered today. Don’t need them until Saturday but they had the pop on sale. Still sticking to just one a day. Drinking lots of water.

Not much else going on. Tomorrow going to my daughter’s to watch an episode of Stranger Things then going to a new Greek restaurant and getting our feet done. Then tomorrow night is the wine and draw class. Looking forward to that. It’s always a fun time.

I'm not doing the best, as it's more than likely my eating disorder at this point. I learned I don't feel safe anywhere. I feel like an outsider belonging no where. Feel like everything is fake. Like I was cut out and put here. I don't know.

Now I feel a bit better. It just comes and goes. All I did was eat some pretzel Goldfish. They have family size bags of the pretzel ones now. My phone is about charged so I can put my music on.

I might need some caffeine. I've only had water since 4AM and I had been drinking a decent amount before. It probably isnt good to just cut that out too.

Idk. I'm basically just hanging on until I can take my Geodon.

What a day, spent most of it in bed either sleeping or reading, finished my book, and my next hold is in at the library, but I'm just not up to driving there. Finally woke one point in the afternoon, drenched with sweat, so at least my fever broke. Had dinner and am going to end up back in bed soon. Maybe I'm a tad better than this morning, but my voice is so hoarse, my daughter can barely understand what I'm trying to stay. Still fighting the allergies, sinus pressure, ear pressure, postnasal drip, fatigue and I did nearly nothing today!

Hope everyone has had a better day than I have. I haven't caught up on posts. HUGS to all

Had a good volunteer shift tonight. It went by quicker than usual because my assistant was there helping today. She’s in high school. Anyway, the AM shift did a good job with cleaning the cages and litterboxes so there wasn’t a whole lot to do tonight and what needed to be done we got done quick working together. Only two cats wanted to come out tonight. The rest were shy or sleeping. It’s cold and raining out. I’m home now. Thankfully the bus came quickly.

Things are going really well, but I spent a lot of money this month. I have been trying to save up for GalaxyCon but there are so many birthdays in May for my friends, it broke my wallet. I always go overboard for birthdays anyway.

Today was a nice day. It was absolutely beautiful outside today, Not a touch above 67 degrees and lots of sun. I spent most of it outside in deep contemplation and just enjoying myself.

Life is good, tons of emails today, and just things finally starting to make sense. As I get closer to my baptism, the closer I am getting to my purpose. Sleeping is really well, woke up at 7am and watched cartoons, lol.

For once, I have nothing to complain about - but then again, there's always tomorrow. Hope everyone has had a good day.

I took my Geodon and I drank a zero sugar Coke and I think it helped. .

But I feel more relaxed now.

My son really really wants to start karate but goodness me it’s so expensive! $35 a week! I’ve phoned around to a few places and they’re all about the same price! So I’m undecided if I’ll be joining him up or not. He’d be able to get about 2 sessions a week out of it. I think it will be good for his concentration and discipline but man I just don’t know about this price!

@Crazy Hitch look at community centers. That's where I found it to be the cheapest about half the price.

I’m not sure if there’s a community centre in my country town but I’ll definitely look into it. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

Ugh. I hate frickin perimenopause (if that's what I'm experiencing). My period is all messed up! I'm already PMSing again, and it's TOO EARLY. I'm all emotional and shyt. And my lower back hurts and I'm fatigued and have a horrible headache and was destroying my poor husband this morning. And he didn't even do anything! (Of course I apologized). I know in the next couple of days I'm going to pop. I really should go see my doctor and find out, for sure, what's going on, but I never got a mammogram last year and she's going to bother me about that! And the girls are too tender right now to be squished without me being in excruciating pain. I HATE GETTING OLD.

I was taking a short nap this morning and my phone woke me up, and it was some guy from medicare telling me I can get some injection or SOMETHING that'll prevent me from having a stroke or a heart attack. I was like, "DUDE, I'm 42!" Fudge man. Call me back in twenty years!