[Achy Turtle Armor]

I can't even begin to explain how much mental pain I'm in. I've been crying now for 3.5 hours. My heart hurts and I want to... Well you probably know. I have no life. I was just living from appointment to appointment with my therapist and he finally saw the light. He pushed me away so far. I'm not sure if I am able to process it all rationally.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I can't even begin to explain how much mental pain I'm in. I've been crying now for 3.5 hours. My heart hurts and I want to... Well you probably know. I have no life. I was just living from appointment to appointment with my therapist and he finally saw the light. He pushed me away so far. I'm not sure if I am able to process it all rationally.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way, ATA. I'm not sure what to say, but I am here.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Apologies for the long post. I will try to condense it.

So I've been getting more and more attached to my T. He knew I was attached he just didn't know I was getting more attached. After the last appointment he said it "hit him in the face." Instead of getting into details I'll say it's a bit complex and crazy but then I'm complex and crazy, I think.

So when I came to see him today he's looking at me funny like I've done something wrong. I sit down and he tells me to not record. He has said this to me one time before when the topic was something similar. So basically the first half of the appointment was him telling me that he felt like I was more attached to him then he realized and that he needed to back off and the he was like a drug to me though he has said that to me before and he's right. I don't know if he's been in denial or if I was really good at hiding things or what but none of this was a surprise to me. I mean how attached I am to him. Though he seems genuinely surprised.

He mentioned that I am not supposed to text him and I made sure to tell him how unclear and blurry that was to me. He has said, "We're not supposed to text. He (his boss, my p'doc) doesn't want us to text." In the same breath he says, "I don't have a problem with it. We're not supposed to. It's no big deal though." He apologized for being blurry but said that he hates having to get firm with me.

I have to say that the majority of the appointment I was crying and was having difficulty processing what was going on. I heard him say things that he didn't say and I know this because I told him that I heard him say that he was leaving me yet he never said that. I suppose the other thing is that we're both quite disappointed that I've been seeing him for as long as I have and I seem to have regressed back to the beginning. He said to me that he didn't want something to happen to him and leave me still as* "sick" as I am.

So I guess the other thing that was upsetting to me was that he put up new barriers and boundaries. They seem really high and he said "I'm not having fun." This isn't how I work. I suppose he is more open with his other patients but he can't be with me.* I sometimes wonder if he regrets having ever met me but he says "No. we're teaching each other." The other thing that was bothering me was that the boundaries were up so quickly everything seems so cold and sterile. He was asking me questions as if we never met before. I don't know how to explain it. So he's asking me how is NA or how's my diet going. I sat there speechless and said I don't want to talk. He asked why I didn't want to talk and I said that things seem different and I didn't feel safe. That last thing hurt him. I could see it and he was surprised that I said it. He admitted to me that he was looking to see if I was misbehaving. Meaning looking at him or whatever, in an unhealthy way. I know what he is talking about because I am guilty of that at times.

The last half of the appointment he is trying to steer it to normalcy but I wasn't there. I tried but it wasn't happening. I left his office in an extremely cold manner and lost my **** from there.

As much as I want to contact him via phone call, not text, I won't. I want him to know what I did and didn't do today. I want him to be proud of me but I'm realizing that what matters is that I am proud of myself. I really hope that this whole drama won't be for naught. I hope that I am able to grow from this. I don't like being attached to him. It's painful.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Apologies for the long post. I will try to condense it.

So I've been getting more and more attached to my T. He knew I was attached he just didn't know I was getting more attached. After the last appointment he said it "hit him in the face." Instead of getting into details I'll say it's a bit complex and crazy but then I'm complex and crazy, I think.

So when I came to see him today he's looking at me funny like I've done something wrong. I sit down and he tells me to not record. He has said this to me one time before when the topic was something similar. So basically the first half of the appointment was him telling me that he felt like I was more attached to him then he realized and that he needed to back off and the he was like a drug to me though he has said that to me before and he's right. I don't know if he's been in denial or if I was really good at hiding things or what but none of this was a surprise to me. I mean how attached I am to him. Though he seems genuinely surprised.

He mentioned that I am not supposed to text him and I made sure to tell him how unclear and blurry that was to me. He has said, "We're not supposed to text. He (his boss, my p'doc) doesn't want us to text." In the same breath he says, "I don't have a problem with it. We're not supposed to. It's no big deal though." He apologized for being blurry but said that he hates having to get firm with me.

I have to say that the majority of the appointment I was crying and was having difficulty processing what was going on. I heard him say things that he didn't say and I know this because I told him that I heard him say that he was leaving me yet he never said that. I suppose the other thing is that we're both quite disappointed that I've been seeing him for as long as I have and I seem to have regressed back to the beginning. He said to me that he didn't want something to happen to him and leave me still as* "sick" as I am.

So I guess the other thing that was upsetting to me was that he put up new barriers and boundaries. They seem really high and he said "I'm not having fun." This isn't how I work. I suppose he is more open with his other patients but he can't be with me.* I sometimes wonder if he regrets having ever met me but he says "No. we're teaching each other." The other thing that was bothering me was that the boundaries were up so quickly everything seems so cold and sterile. He was asking me questions as if we never met before. I don't know how to explain it. So he's asking me how is NA or how's my diet going. I sat there speechless and said I don't want to talk. He asked why I didn't want to talk and I said that things seem different and I didn't feel safe. That last thing hurt him. I could see it and he was surprised that I said it. He admitted to me that he was looking to see if I was misbehaving. Meaning looking at him or whatever, in an unhealthy way. I know what he is talking about because I am guilty of that at times.

The last half of the appointment he is trying to steer it to normalcy but I wasn't there. I tried but it wasn't happening. I left his office in an extremely cold manner and lost my **** from there.

As much as I want to contact him via phone call, not text, I won't. I want him to know what I did and didn't do today. I want him to be proud of me but I'm realizing that what matters is that I am proud of myself. I really hope that this whole drama won't be for naught. I hope that I am able to grow from this. I don't like being attached to him. It's painful.

I am rooting for you to tell your T all of this.

My T has been pushing for me to use other supports in my life----which are?……

It hurts because he's my main support and I too feel pushed away.

Wondering if you can print out all of your feelings and mail them to T? That way you aren't violating the text thing AND you can't change your mind--once it's mailed it's mailed.

Can you ask him what "I'm not having fun" means? Maybe it was meant in a more caring way than it sounds?

[puzzclar]

Is this what the end looks like, or the beginning?

[Bill3]

(((((ATA)))))

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am rooting for you to tell your T all of this.

My T has been pushing for me to use other supports in my life----which are?……

It hurts because he's my main support and I too feel pushed away.

Wondering if you can print out all of your feelings and mail them to T? That way you aren't violating the text thing AND you can't change your mind--once it's mailed it's mailed.

Can you ask him what "I'm not having fun" means? Maybe it was meant in a more caring way than it sounds?

I will definitely read him these things I've written. He is good about listening to the whole thing without making comments until the end. I don't have his email to contact him with. Also, he did explain what "I'm not having fun" means but I am unsure if I will quote him correctly. He went on to say something like, "This is not how I like to work with my patients. I want to show more love and compassion (not sure if this was the word) than I can with you right now. I like to be able to work without watching everything I say so I don't make any mistakes with you."

I am also remembering, just now, that he said that he would losen the boundaries when he sees improvement and then tighten them up again if needed. He said that he will do it over and over if he needs to. I remember crying so hard and asking him if he was going to leave me. He shook his head and said, "You know that you shouldn't be asking me that." He relented, sighed, and said, "No. I'm not going anywhere. Not by my design." I tend to ask that question or "are you mad at me" too much when I am feeling very vulnerable and needy.

In other news, I feel a little better today in that I am remembering more of the reassuring and positive things he said. I am feeling proud that I behaved through all of that. I think that was big. My eyes are extremely puffy and swollen though. Still feel quite low but going to work with hopes that I will be able to put it all aside for the next 8 hours.

I am so very thankful for y'all.

[Crazy Hitch]

All good no complaints my side

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I will definitely read him these things I've written. He is good about listening to the whole thing without making comments until the end. I don't have his email to contact him with. Also, he did explain what "I'm not having fun" means but I am unsure if I will quote him correctly. He went on to say something like, "This is not how I like to work with my patients. I want to show more love and compassion (not sure if this was the word) than I can with you right now. I like to be able to work without watching everything I say so I don't make any mistakes with you."

I am also remembering, just now, that he said that he would losen the boundaries when he sees improvement and then tighten them up again if needed. He said that he will do it over and over if he needs to. I remember crying so hard and asking him if he was going to leave me. He shook his head and said, "You know that you shouldn't be asking me that." He relented, sighed, and said, "No. I'm not going anywhere. Not by my design." I tend to ask that question or "are you mad at me" too much when I am feeling very vulnerable and needy.

In other news, I feel a little better today in that I am remembering more of the reassuring and positive things he said. I am feeling proud that I behaved through all of that. I think that was big. My eyes are extremely puffy and swollen though. Still feel quite low but going to work with hopes that I will be able to put it all aside for the next 8 hours.

I am so very thankful for y'all.

hey. sorry the boundaries are more strict now. my T did something similar a few years ago with texting. he told me not to text him anymore. i got super mad and walked out. eventually we started texting again. i think maybe it is a similar case. T didnt want me to become too dependent on him. when it happened it really sucked. but i managed. but, yes it was hard. when things llike that get taken away it feels rejecting, to me at least. T said i was distressing him too much because i would text him all these really suicidal things. these days ive calmed down a lot. i am attached to my T as well and he knows. but i dont think its unhealthy. i admit, years ago, i did want him to rescue me and take care of me. but now... i feel more able to do that to myself, but not to say that i still need reassurance and support from T.

sounds like your T really does care about you. i know its hard to see it this way but i assume this is his way of showing that. it doesnt really seem right on the surface though. these are just my thoughts. i think you have a good T and from what i read you guys have a good rapport. this is very important. as far as regressing, i believe these things happen. recovery isnt linear, its up and down , forward and backward. so dont get hard on yourself for how you feel. im glad you managed it ok and didnt resort to self-destructive coping skills. i think that shows a lot of growth.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

hey. sorry the boundaries are more strict now. my T did something similar a few years ago with texting. he told me not to text him anymore. i got super mad and walked out. eventually we started texting again. i think maybe it is a similar case. T didnt want me to become too dependent on him. when it happened it really sucked. but i managed. but, yes it was hard. when things llike that get taken away it feels rejecting, to me at least. T said i was distressing him too much because i would text him all these really suicidal things. these days ive calmed down a lot. i am attached to my T as well and he knows. but i dont think its unhealthy. i admit, years ago, i did want him to rescue me and take care of me. but now... i feel more able to do that to myself, but not to say that i still need reassurance and support from T.

sounds like your T really does care about you. i know its hard to see it this way but i assume this is his way of showing that. it doesnt really seem right on the surface though. these are just my thoughts. i think you have a good T and from what i read you guys have a good rapport. this is very important. as far as regressing, i believe these things happen. recovery isnt linear, its up and down , forward and backward. so dont get hard on yourself for how you feel. im glad you managed it ok and didnt resort to self-destructive coping skills. i think that shows a lot of growth.

Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel better. I am feeling better today because I am thinking more rationally.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

So I feel good about today. Still feel a bit empty and down but I think it is to be expected. I made some positive changes today. I have a countdown thing on my phone that tells me how many days till something or how many days since something. So I've been counting how many days since I've hurt myself and how many days since I have smoked pot but also I used it to tell me how many days until I see my therapist. I deleted that one. He knew about it. He saw it. His response was to smile at me and say, "mad woman." I thought if I was going to try to live my weeks healthier and not thinking about when I see him again then deleting that would be the best thing for me. I've also tried remembering the positive things that he said to me yesterday and the reason behind the things he said. I've not spent much time thinking about it to be honest because I think that would be counterproductive. I mean the idea is for me to reduce my thoughts about him the idea is for me to live my life being more present. So I'm trying. I'm really trying. I laughed with frustration though because every time I received a book that was about vegetarianism or veganism of course my first thought is about my therapist. He's a vegetarian. I just try to get my mind back on track and in the moment.

[Mindful55]

ATA

It is great to hear you feeling better.
You can do this

Take care of yourself..

[Crazy Hitch]

You know what?

I think some people are intentionally playing mind games with me

[RoseInterrupted]

Hi to everyone. I haven't been on here in ages and mostly due to finding out that I have another diagnosis. I was being treated for severe anxiety and nothing seemed to work. Then I saw a new psychiatrist and had a..... well..... lets say and outpouring of emotions. I was then sent to see a psychologist and I worked with him for some time, but he refused point blank to tell me what he thought was wrong. Back to my GP. I had to practically grab him by the ****-front to get him to tell me what was in the psych reports. At first he told me it was a personality disorder. "Borderline" was added later. But what did all this mean?

I've had lots of odd and unusual diagnoses over the years, but this was new. I went home and looked it up. Yeah, a lot of that stuff applied to me as well as lots of other people, but then I saw a particular You Tube clip and I just knew. I may as well have posted it myself! So I read that there is treatment available. It took me awhile to find out it's mostly private where I live and out of my reach. I joined a self help group and we have a message board, but all I'm getting is more lonely and no longer wanting to be here at all. I'm too old to have this thing, so I sought a second opinion which only went to prove the first psych correct. Apparently age doesn't matter, although a lot of people kind of "burn out" as they get older.

So what to do now? I really don't know. This has been like the final hammer blow between the eyes. I'm too old to learn how to beat this thing. My time has run out. All I have to look forward to is an empty, lonely life. I'll be doing a bit of reading to see how others cope I guess, not that it's going to help me much. I look back on all the misery and mayhem I've caused throughout the years and only wish that I knew then what I know now!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by RoseInterrupted

Hi to everyone. I haven't been on here in ages and mostly due to finding out that I have another diagnosis. I was being treated for severe anxiety and nothing seemed to work. Then I saw a new psychiatrist and had a..... well..... lets say and outpouring of emotions. I was then sent to see a psychologist and I worked with him for some time, but he refused point blank to tell me what he thought was wrong. Back to my GP. I had to practically grab him by the ****-front to get him to tell me what was in the psych reports. At first he told me it was a personality disorder. "Borderline" was added later. But what did all this mean?

I've had lots of odd and unusual diagnoses over the years, but this was new. I went home and looked it up. Yeah, a lot of that stuff applied to me as well as lots of other people, but then I saw a particular You Tube clip and I just knew. I may as well have posted it myself! So I read that there is treatment available. It took me awhile to find out it's mostly private where I live and out of my reach. I joined a self help group and we have a message board, but all I'm getting is more lonely and no longer wanting to be here at all. I'm too old to have this thing, so I sought a second opinion which only went to prove the first psych correct. Apparently age doesn't matter, although a lot of people kind of "burn out" as they get older.

So what to do now? I really don't know. This has been like the final hammer blow between the eyes. I'm too old to learn how to beat this thing. My time has run out. All I have to look forward to is an empty, lonely life. I'll be doing a bit of reading to see how others cope I guess, not that it's going to help me much. I look back on all the misery and mayhem I've caused throughout the years and only wish that I knew then what I know now!

I'm not going to ask you your age but I am 44 and still struggling with BPD. I have heard that "we burn out" of BPD with age too but I think it's mental age in reality. Also I have had several healthy years but as of late I regressed. I am working my way out of it again though.

Welcome back. if it's ok.

[Nicky123]

Roseinterrupted, I'm 53 and was only recently diagnosed. We're never too old to learn new coping skill, I think anyway. I'm not fond of this diagnosis but I am learning as much as I can about it because there was, like you, so many years of total chaos and pain. I feel I owe it to myself to learn to live a little. Some of my symptoms have lessened with age but there are plenty left that are preventing me from having a 'normal' life and I'm sick and tired of running.............I'm having a good day today and while I'm very isolated and cocooned in my own little world, at least I can relax and not worry about meeting anyone, because it just leads to stress, tense muscles and more of the same etc etc....

[RoseInterrupted]

Thanks Achy and Nicky. I've actually just turned 61, so I've got a few years on you yet Of course, in my earlier years BPD was pretty much unheard of, so I was labeled with all kinds of stuff. Manic depressant (Bi-Polar these days) and having "anger management" issues just to name a couple. I blamed the various diagnosis for being the cause of none of my relationships working out. Now I know what's really behind it.

A wise person told me not to let my diagnosis of BPD "own" me and I've tried not to let that happen, but I've gone down hill since the diagnosis to the point where I'm now on extended leave from a professional position until at least the end of October. The reality is that I may never go back. The anxiety lessoned with the introduction of an anti-psychotic but that's starting to wear off as I've been on it a while and it's only a very low dose. That makes me just want to stay indoors and not go anywhere or see anyone, yet this indescribable loneliness is destroying me. I need human company, but too scared to leave the house knowing that at any moment the few friends I still have may suddenly desert me, so I keep my distance. Of course they in turn think I'm pushing them away, which I am and they just seem to get on with their lives without me. Push, pull. Push, pull. Where does it end? Does it ever end? Even the self help message board I go on has been causing me anxiety lately. A couple of people on there go on about how well they're managing their condition and I just want to scream at them to shut up, but I can't so I do silly things to myself while I starve myself. It's what I do when I'm like this. I just can't eat!

Anyhow, I'm sure I'm only preaching to the converted here, so I'll get off this computer and try to find something worthwhile to do, but thanks once again.
Rose.

[Mondew]

I yearned today to go back in time where I take myself as a baby away from my poor mom so she can go off and get therapy. I yearn for this because I wanted to teach myself as a child this one thing I wish she knew, which is in order to have love in your life....you must love your self first.
I truly feel that this one thing would be the answer to my darkness and disorder.

Have any of you tried to attempt or re-attempt re-parenting your self in your 30s and found it effective and organic/connective to your existence....as opposed to feeling disconnected, too theoretical, or where you say, "what is the point?!!".

If any of you reply....thank you in advance

[Verity81]

For those of you struggling to find therapy try this website: http://www.my-borderline-personality...urces.html?m=1

I find her blog very useful and a great top up for my therapy. She also runs online Dbt classes for people with no access to treatment.

Take care guys xx


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16 weeks left 'til I'm finally done with school (this part of it, at least). I can't wait.

[Mindful55]

Originally Posted by misskeena

16 weeks left 'til I'm finally done with school (this part of it, at least). I can't wait.

Misskeena

Congratulations to you what an awesome to sticking with your schooling! !

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

[puzzclar]

I just realized that I feel like crap! Working isn't helping. ... nothing is.

[Crazy Hitch]

Still hypermanic, so yeah. Good mood here.

I can't trust. I see no reason to. Right now...everyone is bad in my eyes.

[puzzclar]

Talk me out of what I want to do.... its not good.