[ak482]

Right now I'm struggling to find one. I just go along at my work, but I get sick of hearing coworkers talk about their personal lives knowing I will never have any similar relationship. Now that spring is coming up, I can't stand any public displays of affection, they're like middle fingers to me. Every raunchy ad I see reminds me that I'm a pitiful loser who's never had any sex at 32. I never get steady sleep, so I'm sluggish at work for awhile. Right know the only way I enjoy nice days is to sit on my balcony and watch TV or go on my iPad completely isolated. No one wants to hear my tales of woe, after all I have a job and a roof over my head so I'm just a whiny little b****. I just can't find light at the end of the tunnel; the pain seems to be overwhelming and I'm at a loss

Ok, that's all, sorry for the rant.

[Frankbtl]

Hi aka482, pain isn't discriminatory.....just because you have a job and a roof over your head doesn't make it any the less real for you. or any the less important. But being in or out of a relationship, having had or not had sex..............doesn't need to define who you are. You don't need to/shouldn't depend on someone else to define your identity (in whatever way) and no-one else should judge you on that either.
So there's a lot more to you than a relationship/your virginity, right?? And maybe focus a little more on those aspects, because it sounds like your neglecting seeing some of the other 100's of good things in your experience, in your achievements, in you.
As for a relationship, well there's nothing to say that one can't come along at some point. I don't think a relationship in itself is as important as someone who's really right for you though. And you know those kind of people don't come along "everyday". Hang in there for someone who is, it matters.
Sure you can maybe do "little" things to improve the chances, if you aren't already (??) e.g. trying to "get out there" more, getting involved in different activities, talking with more people/more regularly/more openly but don't let your focus be on "someone else" as much, allow it to be on you. And doing things that make you satisfied/happy.
And by the way all these displays of affection, talk about partners aren't always showing the "whole" picture. There aren't going to be that many relationships that are "perfect". There's always going to be "not so good" bits that you aren't seeing, so all the better to hang in there and one day find someone who's going to be nearer "perfect" for you than just anyone.
And if you think you're suffering from depression talk to someone about it, hey, talk to us more about it if it may help.
Alison

[UndeadMage]

Hi AK, I know the struggle of finding a reason to live. I don't know if this will help or not, but I'm a guy, nearly 42, and the closest I've been to sex is third base I tried to steal home a couple times, but was tagged out at the plate. That was over 20 years ago. I haven't even made it to the field since then. Sorry a little baseball humor I know what it's like to see these public displays of affection. Some people make it look so easy like finding a relationship is like going to the store for a gallon of milk. I don't know how many times I've imagined myself asking one of these couples "How can I have what you have?" And I imagine their reply, "Oh, wouldn't that be nice for you, but you see, this is not for you honey. You're a misfit, you see? It would be best if you'd just stop trying." I have a lot of these imaginary conversations in my head. It's part of being "mental" I guess, lol! I am unemployed right now after having left a job of 7 1/2 years. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I used to just work, play World of Warcraft, and drink lots of beer, but I can't do that anymore. Well, I still play the game, but it's not the same. Anyways, just letting you know you're not alone. I know it sounds cliche, but please hang in there P.S. check out my introductory post if you wanna know a little more about me.

[yumi]

I actually admire you on the virgin thing. Think of it as a blessing and know that by you holding onto it, it is leading you towards finding the 'right' person for you. I look back on my life and wish I didn't rush into all of that, because frankly, instead of giving me life-giving energy to embrace life, it ended up making me more and more vulnerable and losing
The essence of who I was. Men ended up not being content with what I had to offer and always ended up pushing me more and more with things I just was not emotionally capable of handling. It became a vicious cycle of them demanding this or that and my self-esteem kept becoming more and more eroded. I felt like an object more than a woman. I eventually came to resent sex altogether, because it became more about their desires and not on a level of mutual respect.

I'd say you have a lot to live for.....hang in there and hold out for the right person who will bring you the life-giving energy and love you deserve. Hugs

If you kill yourself, there will be a hole in this Universe where you are supposed to be and that will be a very sad thing!

[ak482]

Thanks folks for the feedback.

I dwell on the virginity deal because no woman wants a virgin my age. I get really pissed off when someone patronizingly tells me that they respect it. Child please. Just be blunt and drop an f-bomb on me (the homophobic f-bomb). I may hate it but I will at least respect your honesty. I need sex to find love. Backwards, yes; illogical, oh yes. But it's the perception (which is reality) of someone like me. Plus it's another pleasure everyone BUT ME enjoys.

I find no activity to enjoy. If the weather is nice, I go on my balcony and watch TV or bury my head in my iPad. Otherwise, I wish I could just sleep the whole weekend. PDA's are all around me and out of control. I can't take any more My body is constantly sore, and not just from being on my feet at work. I have no energy at all. Everything is closing in on me and I see no way out other than an angel inviting me into bed with her.

I'm not suicidal. But if someone needed to blow my head off because I was keeping them from driving 120 MPH, I wouldn't care. I just don't care about anything except my work (because I need the money). I really can't talk to my family about it, and my friends are showing off their relationships which is driving me to break.

[yumi]

I didn't intend to make you feel bad from my comments its real, honest feedback from experience, that's all.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by yumi

I didn't intend to make you feel bad from my comments its real, honest feedback from experience, that's all.

Oh, no, you didn't make me feel bad at all, I'm truly sorry if you thought that. My spiel on that wasn't based on your particular comments, but in my own personal experiences dealing with the albatross of virginity.

Let me clarify then: when I said that, I have had women I dated or talked to online (because I was stupid enough to post on OK Cupid that I was a virgin) claim they respected that fact. If they said that under oath, they'd be doing time for perjury.

Again, I apologize, I should have been clearer that my comments were based on my own experiences.

[yumi]

Gotcha. No worries. I was afraid I hurt you.

I'm sorry people out there can be so cruel it lurks everywhere you turn, doesn't it? I wish the world were a kinder world, understanding of peoples differences and without so much judgement.

[ak482]

I always wonder what a person's role in life and the world is supposed to be. I seriously think mine is to be the person who makes everyone else happy by looking down at me. The comedic relief by taking potshots at me. I seriously think the only reason I'm not dead is because I would still be tormented after I'm gone and couldn't fight back.

I think about what my last words would be, and they'd paraphrase the man I find my most fascinating historic figure (Richard Nixon): "You won't have me to kick around any more."

[WePow]

I hear you! Most of the time I also wonder why I continue when I just want to stop or be stopped.

For me, I am learning that experiencing the pain in life is a huge part of my life. No idea why. But letting myself experience all of that moves me from one day to the next.

Now that I finally figured out that was going on I am learning how to turn that misery into fuel for other things like my art and poetry.

Sometimes joy can be like the icing on a cupcake... just too sweet when all you want is plain cornbread. :-)

[Open Eyes]

Did you ever try joining a gym and working out? I understand you struggle with depression, and you may need to push yourself, but eventually if you kept at it, after a while you will find that you don't need to push yourself anymore. Often depression can feed off of itself, the person begins to withdraw, feel depressed and just start to (not realizing it) go with the depression instead of pushing it away.

There are a lot of lonely women out there. I always thought that if Woody Allen got his, then anyone could.

OE

[ak482]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Did you ever try joining a gym and working out? I understand you struggle with depression, and you may need to push yourself, but eventually if you kept at it, after a while you will find that you don't need to push yourself anymore. Often depression can feed off of itself, the person begins to withdraw, feel depressed and just start to (not realizing it) go with the depression instead of pushing it away.

There are a lot of lonely women out there. I always thought that if Woody Allen got his, then anyone could.

OE

I used to be at a gym, but that didn't help me with finding any women. There is literally only one thing that will make me happy. Even if it's the worst sex ever, it will de-stigmatize me and get the scarlet letter off of me and turn me into a man instead of a pathetic thumb sucking little baby boy

[ak482]

Ugh, stupid me, I've just read advice columns on how to deal with being a virgin male my age. Based upon the responses to other virgins, I might as well not even wait until my 35th birthday, I should just end it now. Why am I so stupid to have not f**** someone once in my lifetime. Just take me now, I have no prayer. I am literally the lowest form of organism on this planet and the joke of EVERYONE. The world will only be sadder because it will have one less f** to kick around. I'm done.

[WePow]

You may benifit from sex therapy. That is a safe way to learn how to connect with others.

[beauflow]

((Ak482)) many well thoughts your way.

I am not sure what to say to help, and I don't want to come across anything but.

I know when I was younger, with the area that I grew up, the generation, and just in general with society- Sex is held on such a high pedestal and even some people see it not as I see it as, which is fine but just because someone else sees it differently doesn't mean either one of us are wrong or right- in the end we do what we feel is right for ourselves and not others.

You have in your recent post here that you feel as if you are stupid for not having sex? I felt that way for a long time and to be honest for me- there was a reason behind it of being scared of many things and also issues.
With my own past, I can honestly say not for all does sex=love.

In my opinion- and it is just my opinion- One the best things I think for us as individuals to do, is to judge ourselves less harshly and to accept that- hey maybe we aren't like the vast majority (which there is nothing wrong with that).

Some do see that a beautiful things with a person is them knowing themselves. Their are their own individual, even if it is not the popular vote some times.

I do hope you the best, and many well thoughts your way.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ak482, OK total honesty, right!! I'm not going to say that "I respect" the fact that you you haven't lost your virginity, afterall I don't even know the whole story anyway.
And, yes, you're right a lot of people have lost theirs by now. But I am going to say that, in my eyes, if someone hadn't lost their virginity by.....age, it really wouldn't matter/make them any less!!
And if they hadn't then I wouldn't be thinking the things you're thinking about yourself, about them e.g. that they're a pitiful loser, pathetic.........I really wouldn't!!
And I can't be the only one thinking like that.
And that is total honesty!!
Now it sounds like you have/you've had people in your life (men and women?) who haven't helped with your self esteem/image?? If so, maybe your main focus should be on either trying to dismiss their comments/attitudes (?) as they should be, or on trying to distance yourself from those people.
And you know depression can really bring you "down" on yourself/bring along it's own negative thought patterns which isn't going to be helping the way you feel about yourself. Are you getting any help with that e.g. with a pdoc or therapist? Or do you think you could do with some more help? Maybe worth a thought?
Although we're still here as well if you want to talk more........
Alison

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by ak482

I used to be at a gym, but that didn't help me with finding any women. There is literally only one thing that will make me happy. Even if it's the worst sex ever, it will de-stigmatize me and get the scarlet letter off of me and turn me into a man instead of a pathetic thumb sucking little baby boy

Well if that is how you feel, why don't you just pay for it, a lot of guys lose their virginity that way. The first time isn't usually all that great anyway, most guys, well, let's just say it is over very fast. So often it is better to
be with someone you don't care about so you are not embarrassed and can maybe hook up a few times to practice.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well if that is how you feel, why don't you just pay for it, a lot of guys lose their virginity that way. The first time isn't usually all that great anyway, most guys, well, let's just say it is over very fast. So often it is better to
be with someone you don't care about so you are not embarrassed and can maybe hook up a few times to practice.

Oh believe me I've tried that option. I paid, but never had sex as the woman never showed . That's one reason why I feel I am never meant to have sex. And I don't have the time or money to travel to Nevada for one of those legal brothels.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, you went about it the wrong way if you paid and the woman didn't show up, so you learn from that and try again in a different way. You need to build up some determination forward instead of being so determined to bash yourself and convince yourself life isn't worth it. Women are not attracted to someone who is down on themselves and just waiting for someone else to make their life worth while. The reason for that is very primitive and innate because mating was meant to bear children and a female would look for a male that is thriving and engaging life.

Just having sex to get past not having sex "yet" is something you need to pursue more. As I said, typically a lot of men can be disappointed because they don't do very well at it at first. However, nature only cared about procreation, not staying power and what we developed it into.

[brainhi]

It appears you are so fixated on this that it gets in the way of your life. Something you cannot have always gets over blown in your head. Get it over with (Ok, I don't quite mean it like that)...if you have to pay for it good - does not matter what anyone else thinks. This is YOUR LIFE...you get to decided who YOU want to be..the people that think you are a loser do not matter in your life..unless you let them

[ak482]

I just want some pleasure in my life. I am way too shy to go to bars and honestly don't know how to participate in activities without coming across as trying to pick up on someone. I am trying a no strings attached sex site as a last resort of trying to get a wham bam thank you ma'am.

[likewater]

Whether or not you are a virgin is pretty personal. I don't know about you, but it's not something that normally comes up in conversation for me. I wish I were. I've been used sexually my whole life. It makes me feel really dirty. But in reality, I don't think I'm less of a person because I've had sex or your less of a person because you haven't. That's just nuts. I also understand you being tired all the time. I have fibromylgia and I am tired and in chronic pain. I'm also depressed. Yay. But I do know we are all here for a reason. I know you and I deserve to live, and I know things can get better. I have a
dog. I recommend it. A therapy dog. Or just a good dog. Sometimes that's all I had to live for. Therapy and meds help too. I try a little bit of everything. Don't be too proud to get help. They have crisis lines and ERs and 911 for a reason. May angels surround you.

[WePow]

You know some people were selling their virginity. You have a comodity!

[Beau_Duc]

ak482, I've read your entire thread and man.... i wish I could help or had some answers, and I am really happy, and feel you did the right thing by coming here to post your issues for us to vent, and hopfully help you somehow. Your's is a tough issue, so dunnow can any of us actuly help you with it. But I have ben following this thread (lurking it actually) since you started it. And one thing i can say I know is, that love and/or sex can happen at any time Bro. Your life can rock along at its normal pace for many years, and then al at once, WHAM. Some girl will show up who changes everything, you get me? Buddy, I cant say when or even if you'll find a GF, I'm not a seer or anything. All's I can say is, what happen to me. I was a virgin too, and then one evening after work I met a girl who liked me, and I was blown away. i felt I was the ugliest loser in the state, but this girl come into my life and changed everything, within like 2 weeks. My point is, at ANY second on any day things can AND WILL flip arond. Do a 180 on ya.

thats how it happen to me, and I was a very late bloomer too. OK? Well, and so the girl of my dreams come into my life, all of a sudden. So. it can and will happen for you too buddy.

Beau