Coping With Suicide Ideation

i find there is usually a reason to why i'm feeling the way i do. and i build up a list of things in my head, each one getting more dramatic and unrealistic than the next, of why i can't bare to live anymore. if you can expose what these thoughts are on paper, you make it easier to help yourself think through these things and for others to help you, because you can give them something to solve, rather than just 'i'm suicidal'.

Something that helps me unravel what these thoughts are is write as though you are both yourself and a psychologist, or someone trying to help you. Get two different coloured pens. Write something you've been feeling in one colour and answer or give advice in the other colour. The responses can be as small as you like or just something like "tell me more" or "i don't know the answer, but i know..." Try to answer honestly, rather than copy what others say to you, just like you are having a conversation with yourself. Might sound a bit unusual, but i find it the best way to get to what i really think and feel, and at the same time create some positive ways of thinking about it, some solutions.

(((((((((AngelGirl))))))))))))

WOW! I've never read about the suicidal ideations that I could ever "relate to" until I read your post. Sorry I'm a little late geting back to you, but I just got myself another suidcidual ideation, by sleeping for 2 days. That ONE of my coping strategies. I figure, if I'm asleep I cannot kill myself. However, I use this Tx for myself only because the love of my life, doles out my meds on a daily basis...has to b/c when a suicidal thought comes by in the past, I just ate every pill in sight. I should have died so many times!!! Back in the 90's, I woke up on a respirator and/or ICU strapped down (they knew me well) I don't fear death...I already had my favorite brother blow himself away when I was 14 & he was 18. Death just was not feared in life....it was the ultimate answer to every problem...and waking up in the ER/ICU/out of a coma, I was deeply pissed off!

AG: Yeah, I have those "ideations" following me around like shadow for years. I've done the "Christian thing" but it was like you said, "I didn't FEEL anything" I played "musical churches" looking for the "ultimate answer" & found nothing.
It seemed sometimes that no matter what I tried to do to deal w/ the ideations.....there I was in the ER/ICU...followed by a few weeks in the PSYCH ward I tried the "contracts" & it was like "How is a stupid piece of paper going to stop me????!!!!) I could never "wait" until I saw my T next!! When it hits you, you cannot say to those thoughts "Gee brain, could you put it on hold until I see my T?" I know all about the not answering phone resulting in the "welfare" check by the cops unlocking my apt door followed my paramedics, my case worker, etc. In fact that was just last week.....obviously a BAD idea, AG!

SO, as a person w/ chronic suicidal ideation b/c I too, CANNOT stand the pain, burnt out from "going on", believing that it will never get better.........AG, I believe there's a reason why I continued to survive deadly OD's & etc....I believe I'm "SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR A REASON"....What ELSE would it be????

I read all the other posts before I decided to open my BIG MOUTH! I read some pretty good ideas...but ONE really hit the spot for me.....Do believe it was "Sometimes" who suggested. WRITING REASONS! Using different colors of pens!
BRAINSTORM! (just write as fast as the thoughts come..do NOT censor/edit...the different colored pens works good. But, I'm an artist...it's why all my postings are peppered w/ the stupid icons! I realize that "writing may not be your THING" but trust me. AG...it's GREAT therapy for yourself when you you're about to do something you might regret....BRAINSTORM...then go do something else for 30 minutes (take a walk around the block) and then come back & address every reason/thing you wrote..work thru it, (in a different color) Try it! You may like it! In addition, to "brainstorming on paper" I also keep a "journal" in a secret computer file on my PC. I can type as fast as I can think (most of the time) so I just sit down & let it rip! (No proof-reading, etc. as you go!)

I have, to date, now lost 2 brothers to suicide...and I've stared straight into the "Eyes of Death" Not pretty.

AngelGirl.....divert your attention on something else!!!TV, movies...writing...read the past posts!! There's a lot of people here that WANT YOU AROUND! Damn, write a contract to US! It's not hopeless. I've been "obsessed" since age 16, I'm now 40-something I'm still here "FOR A REASON!" Think about it..I'm sending HUGS by the zillion...keep posting, PM me, just DO IT!

(((((((((((((( DAYZEE)))))))))))))))

wow dayzee
what you said is great, I could not have said it any better myself.
I too suffer from suicidal ideations and have since the age of 7 when my bro first raped me. It has not gotten any better being older either.
3 yrs ago I found out that my own son abused my own daughters. Talk about staring death in the face. I stare it in the face every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Our family has been and some still are in T today for all that has happened but it has and still is taking it toll on me "mom" espically after what I suffered as a child myself.
I have been married to the same man for 28 yrs now and he is so patient and is in T with me too once a week. But I feel he deserves so much better then me. I cant have normal S** without feeling dirty and cheap and without nightmares and flashbacks. So we have none now. No life for him. He would be better off without me around......see how that demon creeps into my thoughts? It is there all the time....
But thanks to my tender, loving T who is patient, caring and understanding I am learning there is Hope for me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that everyday.
HANG in there AngelGirl We all LOVE you and are here for you. PM me anytime tooo.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I just got done deleting some posts in this thread that were not related to the topic -- coping with suicidal ideation. Folks, please do not hijack other people's threads with sanctimony, judgment, or quick-fix philosophies. Thank you!

DocJohn

I was NOt trfying tto hijack this and Tell "Philosopies."
I didnt say anything WRONG

kathy, you did nothing wrong sweetie...you're safe with us...

Just so you know....when DocJohn replies, he often uses the QuickReply features which addresses the post to the last one in line. That would be YOU. That doesn't mean he is talking to you tho! It's happened to me before, and I thought...jeepers Doc, what did *I* do wrong? sniff...sniff.....??

Hugs to you!!

emmy

excellent point, emily! thank you! i missed that altogether.

Angel,

When things get too much for me, I often have suicidal ideation. Blessed peace seems to beackon me. Then I reaize that "peace" may not be as peaceful as it seems. What if I really screw up and I can't go back and change my decision.

I used to read fiction that I could get lost in and that helped pass the time. Since I can't read much anymore, I watch movies or play on the computer. SInce I don't have many movies, I play the ones I have and even though I'm not paying complete attention to them, I hear them in the background, and they are familiar and comfortable. I can actually think when I hear their noise in the background.

Sometimes I just sleep and sleep and sleep. Eventually I will have a little energy and something will seem a little interesting if I just try.

I also play puzzle games on Yahoo. I play one regularly so that I can judge my mental state by how well or poorly I do. It's like taking my "mental" temperature.

I also lean on my friends here in ways they do not know. If I can help someone, the very act of being there for them makes me feel like I actually have something to offer the world.

I also have a very close friend who loves me no matter what, in whom I can confide. I found that person here and I know there are many, many people here will love and support me. That helps most of all.

I hope this helps and if you need to ask me anything, feel free.

January

Angel... first I know how often you feel this and if these thoughts EVER get to be overwhelming you know that you can talk to me about it. I don't care if the details are hard to hear. You know that I'd do anything for you. That being said I'll move on. As you well know when my cycles bring me to the deep dark pit, I have suicidal ideation every single time. The thoughts never leave my head. Not ever. And if I can't find a way to ease the sharp edge of this side of the sword, the thoughts become urges. And if I still refuse to deal with it, I have to fight with every ounce of my being to keep from acting on the urges. As you know I attempted once and almost succeeded. By the Grace of God I was found out cold and carried away to safety. What you may not know is that years later I found myself in that same position again. I began desperately searching the internet for some kind of anonymous help and ended up here. This place and the people (like you) in it have guided me back to safety. Let us do the same for you... please. When these thoughts enter my head I have to remind myself that as the never ending cycle of bipolar disorder continues, the depression will end even if only for a little while. But the key words there are "the depression" will end. I understand that you have more depression than mania and that's maddening as are the rapid cycles. When I hear the thoughts I do anything I can to take my mind off of it. Anything I can loose myself in. For instance, I LOVE the show Friends. I have all the seasons that are out on DVD. I'll put one in and loose myself in it. Movies are great. So is music as long as it doesn't feed the depression. I come here and post my guts out. I support anyone and everyone I can find. I don't post about my issues (and not that you shouldn't) because for me I'm trying not to focus on it. It's there and I know it so it's not like I'm denying it but rather accepting it and dealing with it. I also try to call people and visit with them... friends, family, whatever. I'll come to chat and visit with my friends here. I PM people. I LOVE the "Fun Stuffs" forum here. It's great. Go for a drive or a walk. Go out to eat. Go window shopping. Day dream about anything other than depression. Look at what you want to achieve in your life and how you might go about it. Write it out. Write your feelings down to the very last detail... it's exhausting but it works. Jeeze, I could go on for hours. As you said and are so right about, what works for me might not work for you. But the one thing that you have to remember is that there are people all over that care about you whether you realize it or not. Another thing that's always helped me is thinking of all the people that my life affects and how it would impact them if I left this earth. This about us. It might help. I'm gonna PM you the lyrics to a song that has helped me from time to time. I hope that some of these things work for you. Remember that you are one of my dearest friends. Much love.

Ry

First, I want to apologize for abandoning my own thread. I've been going through a REALLY bad spell of depression in the last week, with the last 2 days being my worst. I actually barely made it out of this one. Diversion didn't help me at all. In fact, after a week of not being able to force myself to do my grocery shopping, I finally did it yesterday. Felt horrible before I went but went anyway. I couldn't wait to get back home cuz I was fighting back the tears the whole time. I realize this wasn't a 'fun' activity but it was one that I should've done by last Monday and couldn't seem to get myself out the door to do. Even with doing it yesterday, yesterday was my absolute worst day. I'll refrain from mentioning what I did to keep myself alive cuz it was FAR from ideal but it obviously worked cuz I'm still here.

Thanks Myzen for you reply. I'll have to put some thought to what I could do that might be enjoyable. Unfortunately, I don't even know what that is anymore, other than maybe watching a DVD but yesterday I was beyond doing anything at all.

Kimmy, I'm glad that your brother is adhering to the contract, I'm gonna give it some more thought but to be honest, at this point, I'm not sure that a piece of paper with my signature on it would really deter me.

hope, my T is already aware that I have a bad case of suicide ideation but I'm not able to call her while I'm at the point of wanting to act on it like I was yesterday.

Going out didn't help me at all. Sleep is what I did. You can't kill yourself when you're asleep.

Thanks cateye. I just don't find distractions work for me. All they do is delay things. As soon as I'm finished with the activity that I did to distract my thoughts, they come racing back. For me anyway, I think I have to deal with whatever issues are making me depressed. Sometimes very hard to do, which for my current depressive cycle, they are out of my control. How do you work on that other than try to accept things for how they are? I'm not ready to do that yet.

sometimes, I like your idea of writing your thoughts down and then trying to help yourself put them into better perspective or have somebody else help you with it. BUT, sometimes, like my reasons for my current depressive cycle, they are totally out of my control. I find that harder to deal with.

I also like your idea of writing things down in different colours as a conversation between yourself and your psychologist. That might help. I'll try to remember that for my next depressive cycle. Again, not so sure it will help for this one when my reasons are out of my control. Dang it!!!

dayzee. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with two suicides in your own family and your own attempts. (((((((( dayzee )))))) I also believe that all things happen for a reason. Like most people here, I've been through a lot in my life and I've yet to find the reasons for any of them. I know the reason is not always revealed to us but geez, there's gotta be a really good reason for all this continual suffering. Just wish I knew what it was.

Yes, it was sometimes, and I liked her idea too. I might just try that one. This time round I'm forcing myself to sleep so I don't have to feel the pain and it also makes it impossible for me to act on it. In fact, I'm really starting to now. I don't think I'll be able to do too many more replies before I totally fall so I'll most likely have to finish up later, much later, today.

Hope, I'm sorry for all that you and your family has gone through. (((((((((( Hope4me2 ))))))))))))

Thanks DocJohn. I guess I missed what you deleted, I never saw it. Sounds like a good thing.

January

That's one of my biggest fears that I might change my mind and it would be too late or what if I don't actually die and I end up much worse than I am now.

As of this current bout I'm going through, sleep is what's working for me. That and talking to others here. Thanks for replying.

Can we change this to a possitive thread no suicide talk please,too triggery
Angie
ps
Playing with your kids may help bring some ppl out of depression

Well Ry, that's quite a lengthy list you have and I sincerely hope you're using it right now cuz you're scaring the hell out of me, especially with the last thing that we said to each other. PLEASE let me know that you're ok. I pray that you're are. I think we each had a hard time comforting the other since we were both in the same dark pit at the same time, both with suicidal urges. I'm feeling better today but certainly not 'ok' yet. I haven't heard from you yet and I'm worried sick about you. I pray that you're doing better. PLEASE contact me.

This is supposed to be a positive thread. I thought that if anybody could be triggered they would know what the subject of the thread was about by reading the subject. This is about suicide ideation and how to cope with it.

Last time I checked , there wasn't anything positive about depression. Most of us online feel suicidal often. This is the Depression Forum...not the Are you feeling giddy forum!
If we cannot truly express our feelings then why even have this website.
Should we keep sugar coating our feelings...
WTF....I am angry, I hate this site now, and I wish more people would be truthful in how they feel.

Please don't leave this site. This is where you can hopefully get help for your feelings. Please vent all you want but this particular thread is to be about coping with suicidal ideation only.

If u have good coping ideas for me, i could really use them right now