Coping With Suicide Ideation

First I would like to preface my post by saying that I have prior approval from Doc John for this thread. I know that talking about suicide is against guidelines but this is to be a POSITIVE thread and would ask that it please be kept as such.

Ok, with that out of the way, I have a MAJOR problem with suicide ideation on almost a daily basis. I don't think I really want to die so much but to end my continual pain. Personally, I really don't see any hope of my life getting any better than it is now. I'm extremely unhappy with the way my life is and it doesn't seem to matter how hard I work on changing anything, I always end up in this same old place. I'm on meds, obviously not working, long story not worth getting into, and new to therapy.

What I'm looking for is coping mechanisms that anybody else has used successfully for either suicide ideation and/or controlling the depths of your depression. Are you able to control how far you fall or do you feel it is beyond your ability. What about suicide ideation? How do you combat that, how often does it rear it's ugly head?

I'm looking for POSITIVE ideas that could help me and possibly anybody else here that also suffers with depression. Since my suicide ideation is getting chronic, I'm afraid I'm going to act on it unless I can find some concrete ways to avoid it and also ways to help with lessening the intensity of depression.

I hope to get a lot of responses since I'm posting this in the depression forum. Thanks in advance!

Hi Angel,

I have been fighting against depression and anxiety for 35 years. That's a long haul. I think there will be some other people here that have gone through that long fight.

We use many strategies, as you know, and we don't need to go through the details now. All I can say is that I have survived so far and I think that your post indicates that you want to make it as well.

Easier times do come along, although it's hard to believe when your in the pits. Just stay with us Angel, talk and share, that's my advice. If you wish to PM me, I'd like that.

I'll be thinking about you today,

Myzen.

YES!!!

I know exactly what you're talking about. I, too, think about suicide/death often, but am not actually Suicidal. It just seems that those kinds of thoughts *pop* into my head out of nowhere -- things could be going perfectly fine, and then bam! It pops up spontaneously, and I'm going "where in the &^*# did that come from?" It's not always a thought of suicide, specifically, sometimes it's just a thought of death in general.

I guess it usually comes up when I am just really, really tired of dealing with my illness. The ultimate escape from fighting it all is appealing sometimes, but then I realize that I don't really want to do anything that drastic.

On the plus side, if I spontaneously start thinking about suicide, but realize that I don't actually want to carry it out, I think that's a good sign. When it comes out of nowhere, and I wonder why I'm thinking about that, then I realize it's not a desire to die, but rather my subconscious acknowledging that dealing with this is HARD! I'm fighting my illness pretty hard, and I'm exhausted from all that effort. But fighting it is exactly what we need to do, and as long as you're still fighting, you're still in the game.

Hope that's encouraging. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I'm glad you brought it up. Sometimes we need a little help to figure out why our brains work the way they do!

You know, it is so easy to be discouraged. I sometimes, have a pity party for myself, but when I see things happening around me, like sons being killed in Iraq, Terri Schrivo, and the suffering of her family, All the real pain and suffering that we have no control over like loosing friends and family members. I feel ashamed when I am so concerned about myself, instead of others. My whining and complaining about about how I should be treated by people, blah, blah, blah, is nothing compared to what some people have to endure. When ever I had to do something when I was a kid, and even now, I say to myself, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me" That helped me get past the fear and I would do whatever it was I was afraid to do. I figure OK that is a crutch. But if one is a a cripple, what's wrong with the crutch? This works for me, find something that works for you. You are a very special person, love yourself, don't let anyone drag you down to their level. Peace, Millie

First off, I would like to know how you were able to post my thoughts. I really could have written this entire post myself. Thank you for having the courage to express our thoughts in writing.

As for your question...I don't know as if I do anything special. When I start feeling like I am going in that direction, I try to change what I am doing...i.e. go for a walk, watch tv, sing a song, anything that makes me think of somehting else. I have been down so many times though it is obvious that does not work all the time. Sometimes I don't see it coming on at all. That is when I usually slip into "the pit" head first. My first reaction is to call my Counselor now. When I first started on this wonderful roller coaster, I couldn't even pick up a phone, but I can at least call him now. He can usually talk me into thinking about something else, unfortunately that doesn't always work. That's usually when I head for the hospital. When I am thinking this way, I can't stay home and I know that. It is really hard for me to go to the hospital, but I know that if I were to stay home, the temptations to end my pain would be so easy.
I have never actually attempted, rather threatened a lot. I think the worst I have ever been, is when I was curled up in the fetal position on the ER floor, refusing to talk to anybody. After I got on the gurney, I layed there for a while and I swear my shadow separated away from my finger that was pretending to write my thoughts on the sheet. Since then, I have tried to copy that same motion, and my shadow always follows my finger.

Seeing as we are in sort of the same boat, please feel free to ask anything.

love to you
brenda

reading this, i think about my mentally tortured brother. he's attempted twice. he lives with constant thoughts to ending his torment. what has stopped him and his thoughts was a contract he signed with me out of love.

he said when he felt close he thought of the contract. after a while the thoughts weren't as much because he kept pushing them away. is there someone that can make that pact with you and hold you to it? as far as helping to control the thoughts, he says keeping himself busy and staying away from things and people he knows will cause him to think badly has been the biggest help. other than that, i can't suggest anything else. i realize, through my little brother, that it's a struggle like no other and i admire his strength and missive FIGHT to stay alive.

i hope so much for so many who deal with these thoughts and their confusion, pain and struggle related to them.

kd

When I have suicidal ideation, I tell my T exactly what I am thinking - the exact specific details. It's like having a release valve. If I don't do that, it builds up in me to the point where I can't function. Talking about it releases that tension. Depending on the level of accompanying depression, that helps a lot.

Silly as it sounds (hoping I didn't just call someone silly cuz I didn't read the other answers!) talking walks outside really helps lift my mood. Can be in the city, in the country, anywhere. Just getting some air and moving seems to motivate me to do something when I get back home, like laundry. So, then I've taken a walk AND accomplished something! Wow. I'm on a roll. Maybe I'll even aswer the phone when it rings! Say it ain't so!

Take care. Emmy

i try to recognize the beauty in the world. I mostly do things in nature, but purposely looking for that beautiful thing that God might show me. and i try to let that moment pass.

Thanks Myzen. It's those strategies that you use that I'm really looking for. Some way of stopping my depression in it's tracks before it reaches the depths of despair. Some way of counteracting the fall and redirecting my emotions in an upward direction, something that I can use to stop the continual thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, of feeling hopeless and helpless. That's what I'm looking for. I've tried things but they only last while I'm doing them but the moment I stop, I'm back where I started because my situation hasn't changed.

Hi debi, Welcome to Psych Central, I see you're new here. I'm actually BP but my cycles usually have me in the abyss for the most part. I feel myself rising to an 'almost' normal state right now but being BP with rapid cycling, I never know when that is going to change. It could be days from now, it could be 5 minutes from now. It happens with no warning whatsoever. Very hard to deal with the sudden change in the pendulum that dictates what mood I'm going to be in. But since suicide ideation happens when we're depressed, I thought this the best forum to post my question because you don't have to have a dx of BP to have depression. Some people suffer from depression alone. I had one cycle of extremely bad depression that last several months. I think it is only by the grace a God that I was saved from myself then and I'm able to sit here and post at all.

I also know of the thoughts of death that just pop into your head for no apparent reason. I've gone through periods where I was obsessed with them. Not the acting out of it but by the thoughts of death itself, and not even mine per se, just the subject. Scary stuff where the mind can take us.

You talk about suicide being drastic and that it is. There's no second chance if we are successful. I have sometimes been 'with it' enough to think rationally and look at it from that view point and then that stops me as well, but I've also had times when I've been so low that there is no lower you can get, my crying is uncontrollable and all I can see is the neverending emotional pain that I can't stop. What really scares the crap out of me is when I get that low I don't want saving, I don't want to phone a crisis line, a suicide hotline, 911, go to the ER, I want to die. I don't ever want to get that low again so that's why I'm here. I need coping mechanisms to stop myself from reaching that point ever again because I know if I ever get to that dark, scary place again, I won't make it out. I need some way of coping that will stop me waaaaaaaaay before that, to control the intensity of my depression. I can only speak from a BP point of view that the depressive cycle can have different degrees of intensity of the depths of depression it will take us. If you suffer from depression only, do you have that? Or is your depression always at the same level? As a BP, I can feel my moods lift or fall. When entering the depressive end of the spectrum, you can feel yourself falling, falling, falling. It's that falling that I need to find coping mechanisms for. I have to find a way to stop the fall in it's tracks that it haults before getting into dangerous territory. Do you feel a 'falling' phenomen to your depression. I'm assuming you're not BP.

You mention fighting. Do you ever get to the point where there is no fight left in you? How do you deal with that? When you're just too tired of it all and can't deal with it anymore. Or if something happens that triggers you? In BP, we have 'triggers'. If you suffer from straight depression, do you have triggers? I don't know how your depression may differ from mine but I do know there has to be a lot of commonality to it though.

Even though I previously stated that I am currently feeling myself 'rising' from my depression (at least for now), I still have the feelings of hopelessness. That's because I always end back in the same old spot again. And being BP, this is a life-long permanent thing for me, it's not something that drugs are gonna fix or therapy, although both will help. I'll need them for the rest of my life. I don't want to fight the depths of hell for the rest of my life. I want to find a way to conquer at least that part of my depression, to control the intensity. I don't know if that is possible but I'm clinging to 'some' kind of hope that I have 'some' control. PLEASE somebody tell me I can learn to control it.

Hi Millie. I see you are also new, so welcome to Psych Central. You bring up two different points and I'll talk about each because I've also dealt with both myself.

First you mentioned about people killed in Iraq, Terri Schrivo and her family, etc. There are definitely a lot of people far worse off than we are. I've thought about all that too. How about somebody who is dying of cancer and wants to live and here I am ready to give my life away. What guilt that brings me and shame. I think, what right do I have even thinking about ending my life when there is somebody else who is clinging to theirs. Yes, big time guilt. But unfortunately, shameful as it is, it's not enough to stop my ideation. I feel so horrible for saying that.

You also mentioned Jesus and your faith. Ok, I've been that route too. I am a Christian so I have the same beliefs as you. And as I already mentioned in a previous reply, it is only by the grace of God that I am living today because there was a time that I was totally obsessed with ending it. But even with feeling very strongly that it is only through God that I am still living, my faith has suffered immensely. Where was God when I was suffering, when I was crying out to Him before I reached the point of acting on it, why did He let me get to that point and stop me in the act and not before that. Where was He? A friend sent me the Footprints Story. I'm sure you are aware of it. I try to cling to that but I don't FEEL it, I don't FEEL Him. I feel abandoned by yet someone else, this time God. So, again, with shame I say it is not enough to deter me from my self-destructiveness.

Sounds pretty sad and sick that those 2 issues won't save me from myself, I know. So, what will it take? I NEED HELP!!! Am I starting to sound hopeless to y'all now too?

(((((AG)))))

I know the continual thoughts of suicide can be to much to bare at times. I went through a long period of time where I wanted to give up and give in. It was all to painful. I often thought that there was nothing more for me here on earth but heartache, dispair, and torment. I can not express to you how much this consumed my life. I had always been afraid of death, in every sense. I had never thought of taking my life before because it scared me until about 5 months ago. For a few months, this was all I could think about. How would I end it. I was the scariest thing I had ever experienced and still scares me to this day.
I always looked at my childrens faces and thought, how would they be in life if I was not here with them. It broke my heart that I even thought about doing something that would obviously devistate them. That made things worse for me, depression wise.
I had to really search with in myself to find out why I was feeling this way so often and what can I do about it. It wasnt easy. I had to search with in myself to find what I totally despised and hated with in me and tried to change it. (I'm still using this technique) It doesnt happen overnight. I hate to look at my self in the mirror because I hate what stares back at me. I knew this is something that I needed to work on so I would sit on the sink for long periods of time and forse myself to spit out positive things that I liked about me. I would right in my journal about positive things that I had accomplished. Even the smallest of things I would write about. I still look at myself in the mirror and my first instinct is to judge, and to point out the negative. It's all in the pattern of thinking. I think all of us who suffer from depression are in the mind set that everything we do is wrong or bad and we condition ourselves to look only at the negativity. When you think about it, no wonder its hard to think positive about ourselves if all we see is the bad. Everyday, think about how fat I am or how much of a bad wife that I am because I cant have sex with my husband on a more regular basis. It's not that I am not attracted to him. It's because I'm not attracted to myself. I must work on that. Things are better then they were but I dont think my work will every be "done". Its something I think I will struggle with for my whole life.
Sometimes I think my depression started in my teenage years with all the drugs and partying I did that I never stopped and got to know me, the real me. I went years not knowing me until one day, I looked in the mirror and hated the person in it.
I am so rambling on right now. I am just saying it conditioned thinking. We must all change the way we think from negative. It is easier said then done. I know. I know that I havent been helpful but I thought it was important to reply and let you know what methods I use and what is working for me. Take care.

Hi Bren. It's *funny* when somebody posts something that is exactly how you feel isn't it? Kinda eerie actually, like they got into your head and pulled out your own personal thoughts and typed them out for you. I've been in that position on the site too. I know suicide is not a subject that is supposed to be talked about here because it is felt that if you're headed in that direction that it's time for some REAL help IRL and not to rely on a forum for that help. That's why I asked Doc John for permission for this thread because if I had just posted it without that prior approval, it stood the very real chance of getting yanked. I really think that this is really important to discuss. If this thread even remotely helps one person, even if that one person is not me, then it was worth it. Some hard subjects can be talked about in an informative way and in a positive way. I do hope that nobody is triggered by it. I didn't mark it as a triggering thread because I didn't expect it to be and the word 'suicide' is in the title so that is certainly enough warning to anyone on what is being discussed here. I had to find the courage because if I didn't where might I be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year? Don't we all need to learn coping mechanisms to combat something that is so drastic and final? I think so. Obviously, Doc John agreed with me but I do know that he is watching this thread closely so I hope I'm not crossing the line on him.

I change what I'm doing too, or at least now I do. I'll go out, be with other people, watch a DVD, whatever, something to divert my mind in another direction. I find that works but only for the time I'm doing it. When I stop, my situation that brought me to the scary point is still there, it didn't change that and I don't see how without changing whatever brought it about to begin with is going to make any difference. One problem with my theory on that is that sometimes I get to that point, as I think you're describing if I understand you correctly, without even knowing why. Then what? Maybe in that case, diverting my attention to something else can work, occupying my mind with something else with the hopes that when I stop doing that something else, my thoughts won't return to my ideation. I guess if they did, I could divert my thoughts again until they didn't return back. But that would only work if there wasn't something specific that brought me to that point to begin with. You mention the roller coaster. Are you BP? I mentioned in a previous reply that I don't call for help. You said you initially didn't either but now you do. What helped change you to do that and why didn't you do it before?

The hospital. YIKES!!! Never been there and scares the crap out of me. I don't ever want to go there. Can I ask what they did with you when you went to the ER and why did they not help you immediately instead of letting you curl up in a fetal position on the floor? I would think that they would want to secure your safety immediately???? How long was it before they saw you? What procedure did you go through and how long were you there?

BTW, PLEASE anyone reading this, if you are in trouble PLEASE go to the ER, don't listen to my fears and do the same, remember I'm trying to change my behaviour. It's certainly NOT to be copied. My behaviour is FAR from ideal. The important thing is to keep SAFE!!! Do get help. Go to the ER, call 911, call a Crisis Line or A Suicide Hotline, a friend to come and stay with you, whatever that will keep you safe. Remember I'm here looking for help, do NOT do as I do. I need help!!!

Hi Kimmy, a familiar 'face'. Yes, you've talked with me before about your brother. I'm sorry that he is suffering with a mental disorder and thoughts of suicide and prior attempts. As a family member, I can't imagine what you must go through.

I've never heard of a contract before. I guess I could do that with my sister. We're very close. She trys to help me with my BP as much as she can. I could try that and see what impact that would have on me if I got to that point. I would HOPE that it would work. So, are you saying your brother has never attempted since signing a contract with you? Staying away from known triggers is also good. I'll talk to my sister about this. I'm sure she will readily sign a contract with me. My thoughts scare her to pieces. I know she has lost a lot of sleep over me.

I hope your brother continues to deal as well as he can with whatever disorder(s) he has. That can't be easy for you, especially since you have your own to deal with on top of that. (((((((((((( Kimmy ))))))))))))

Actually, this is probably gonna sound really stupid but I'm going to risk whatever reputation I have left and say it anyway. I live alone with my 2 kitties. What has stopped me from acting the last few times in the last month or so, is my 2 kitties. Who would love them as much as I do? Who would look after them as well as I do? What would happen to them? So, they've worked for me several times in the last month or so. I know it sounds dumb but hey, what works, works, who cares what it is as long as it works.

Well if it ain't tofubutt!!!

You say you talk with your T. What if your appt is several days away. Do you have your T's phone # or do you wait until your next appt? Are you always able to wait that long? I talk about my ideation with my T too, when I see her. I don't have her # so a lot of the time I'm left to deal with it on my own. If you go for a walk and then come back and do something productive ie: laundry, is your thoughts different after that? The diversion works for you? Does it depend on what triggers the thoughts to begin with? What if whatever upset you to the point of seriously thinking about acting on your ideation was still there after your walk, then what? How would you handle that?

You don't answer your phone? Don't let my mom hear that! I'm always getting told off about that and then someone ends up coming over here to make sure I'm ok. See, even they don't trust me. Can't say as I blame though, heck if they read this thread they'd be marching me straight up to the ER. Someone needs to tell them I'm an angel. jk, I know this is a serious subject.

Hi esthersvirtue

Does going out into nature always work for you? What if it is night and it's pitch black? What do you mean by 'that beautiful thing that God might show me'?

AG,
I thought of something else I did that helped also. I know this sounds dumb but I did Oragami. It was relaxing and takes all of your brain power to figure how to fold the paper. Worth a try.

Hi Angel,

OK, here is one of my coping strategies.

I work on the principle that depression is an emotional illness. I know that lots of people have a different view (serotonin deficiency) but I take the emotional view. I believe that the dominant emotion in depression is fear, which drives the other negativities and overwhelms us. We just 'shut down'. This has been observed in animals in certain adverse circumstances.

I believe that the suicide ideation comes at the extremes of this 'shutting down' process, and it's a dangerous time. I had a work colleague who succumbed to this. It was a wake up call for me.

As the problem, in my view, is emotional, I do not look for an emotional fix (at least in the short term). I think that we need to be careful not to feed the depression when we are deep in it, and relationships are complicated when we are in the middle of a depression.

I make at least a small part of my life a purely practical process. I don't choose something too demanding, and definitely not success/fail type stuff. It may sound a little lame, but I just do something with a gentle rhythm and a final outcome. I don't expect this to make me feel better, I just do it anyway, and stick with it.

In the last depression, when I was isolating myself pretty hard, I put together a collection of rare books, learned how to restore them and look after them, and catalogued them into a software programme. When I'm feeling stronger I might be able to set up a business, who knows? But I don't have to. Some days I was too tired to even get up, but I would take a few books by the bed and log them into the computer, little and often.

So I am recommending an activity which is not related to getting better, or a therapy, or anything like that. It's just something that you do - packhorse style. If there is a little financial incentive, or some other good outcome, all the better, as long as it takes the focus of your mind off the depressive loop for just a while. That's the secret. The activity needs to have some importance to you, be unconnected with any triggers or issues you have, and be something that you can manage. Then one day comes along and you suddenly realise that you are enjoying it. That's a great day.

Cheers, Myzen.

PS - Gosh, I just noticed jmo's reply. I mean - I 've written all that stuff and jmo expresses the same idea in two lines!

Now that's funny! LOL

Hey Jen, how did you sneak in here.

Sweetie, I know all too well about how it can consume your life. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and still go back for more. It's the most horrible feeling and there simply are no words that really can describe it's pull.

See, you're getting to my theory. That diversion is good for awhile but if the original problem is still there then diversion is only going to delay things. You need to get to the source of the torment. I know what brings me to that point and unfortunately, mine is not in my control. Some things are in our control, some things aren't. Mine is one thing that is not in my control. That's why I'm so scared about this. I can work on my self-esteem, my screwed up thought processing and whatever else and yes, I will be 'better' but I still don't have control over what really depresses me unless I give up hope of ever having it or can accept the way things are without it. I'm not ready for that, I don't want to give up hope. I want it in my life. I don't think I'll ever get it but I still cling to 'some' although not a lot of hope that maybe someday . . .

Just as I said before, whatever works, works and who cares what it is, if it keeps you alive then it's not stupid.

BTW, thanks for the hugs before. Forgot to thank you before clicking on 'submit'.

((((((((( jmo )))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((( AG ))))))))))))))))))))))))

yes, the contract has promoted brother to call me when the thoughts were becoming too much and he did have what it took to fight them anymore. he's been in hosp. twice since then. in the contract, he said that if it got to the point where he couldn't fight them of and he was close, he would call me. he's done that! i'm so proud of him..

p.s. -- have sister include those two precious kitties in that contract! i have three

love,

kd

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When I have suicidal ideation, I tell my T exactly what I am thinking - the exact specific details. It's like having a release valve. If I don't do that, it builds up in me to the point where I can't function. Talking about it releases that tension. Depending on the level of accompanying depression, that helps a lot.

<font color="purple">
I have to agree with Emmy, and what she said above totally. I did just that today. I opened up and told my T totally how I felt and cried and it felt like a pressure was released .
WHEW felt so much better and he did not look down on me either. He said he looked up to me for being strong enough to tell him how I truly felt. go figure huh?
I also take walks when it gets really bad. The fresh air and walking does really help with my moods. Taking a nap too.
Just know your not alone because I have been suffering like someone else posted for quite a few years now and I am still here fighting my way through. </font>

I snuck in when no one was looking. LOL

I can TOTALLY relate to the wanting to end the pain but not wanting to die so much. These are more of distractions (which can be a good coping mechanism, and I'm sure your therapist will teach some others), but I listen to music, go on the internet (look at things that will make me laugh), watch a stupid-funny movie, taking care of my pets, watching tv (positive shows that'll make me laugh), etc.

i get very mild suicidal thoughts (ones i probably wouldn't act on). recently i've told myself "just because things are bad, doesn't mean you have to want to die" See it's pretty complex, but thinking about suicide has become a reflex for me. Maybe find a phrase that you believe, one that brings things into perspective, and try to tell yourself that to calm yourself down and make yourself believe there are other options if you wanted them to be there.