[ThePainNeverDies]

This was so not meant to happen!! Why didn't I use my strength to get them away? I was strong enough, I figured that out in the beginning..

Why oh WHY did I get so drunk last night? To drown my sorrows? Because it was there? because I was bored and wanted something to do? Because it seemed fun, to make me all happy?

I think it's a combination of those things to be perfectly honest.. Oh man.. What am i gonna do now?! I'm so damned stupid!! Why do I let myself do these things when it only lands me in trouble?! And now, the health and wellbeing worker, Jason, is going to do that test with me again and ask how many times I've had an alcoholic drink this week.. 5/7 days.. Is that bad for just a one off when I normally have like one night a week that I drink?

Man, I'm so weak, so tired, so ill how the hell do I sort this stupid mess out? Stupid me, stupid, idiotic, dumb me. I can't believe what an idiot I am.. Sorry.. Moan over..

[silver_moon]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Stupid me, stupid, idiotic, dumb me. I can't believe what an idiot I am.. Sorry.. Moan over..

No... struggling, upset, hurt, wanting help...
Do you have a T... if not, please consider getting one? I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now and I wish I could give you some advice
Please don't blame yourself for last night... if you must ten blame yourself and move on. Last night you can not change... use it as a kind of 'experience'... from now on you can say to yourself, never again do I want that to happen.

Take care ((((((TPND))))) sorry I couldn't help much... always here to listen,
Molly

[ThePainNeverDies]

I do have a T, but I just know that she'll make me go to the police.. I know it.. She will.. I can't. Although I was drunk, I still let it happen.. Does that matter, or because I was so drunk, would that go for me and not against me? Man, I don't know what I'm doing or anything.

I was supposed to be seeing my mental health worker at college today, but have had to cancel because I'm planning on seeing my twin and adoptive mum (NOOOO!! More scary stuff!!) I'm so not prepared!! I'm probably going top look so crappy and feel so crappy and be so distracted and.. Ohhhh, this is not good, it's really not good

I know I can't change last night, but surely I should've learned my lessons from the other times? I mean.. I never went this far, but still.. I'll never do that again, I'm not ever going near that car, or that place or anything.. Man, there are so many places I am banning myself from now because of horrific past experiences..

i mean.. I'll never go out drinking with a guy, I'll never let myself be alone with a guy incase he turns nasty, I'll never go anywhere with a guy on my own.. I'm so strict with myself because of so many nasty experiences..

I can't bear to think about it.

[cantstopcrying]

((((((((((((((((((((kirstin))))))))))))))))))))) Did that happen again?? Sweety, go to the police now. Explain what happened. Explain to Jason what happened. You stumbled honey. You are right, you knew your limitations with drink and you surpassed it. Hating yourself will not serve any good purpose. Focus on what you have to do to move forward. Alert the police, talk to Jason, meet your family and deal with that--it's going to be a big enough stressor. Sweetheart, where's Connor in all this? You can get through this, honey.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I can't tell him, I'll lose him for sure.. He'll go mad at me and I can't take that. it's killed me enough as it is just finding out that his friend's just found out that his gilfriend is 6 months pregnant.. i wish it was me, i really do.. but I know I'm not ready yet.. Mentally.. This is really gonna sound weird, but ever since I got my dog 2 years ago, my maternal instincts really kicked in. She was my baby, my child, my everything.. And now she's gone? I want a baby to look after again.. What if he's gotten me pregnant? or given me some form of infection? Anything? i tried to push him off, I tried so hard, i said no, but then for some reason I changed my mind and made him use a condom.. the police won't do anything..

I'm terrified, i can't tell anyone.. I still keep thinking it's not rape because I consented.. he didn't think I was that drunk, but really, I was.. I just hid it too well.. I didn't know what the hell I was doing apart from i know that I made sure he had a condom on.. I don't feel like it's rape because of that.. I told him why I couldn't do it, pleaded, told him no, told him he couldn't fool me with all his tricks, he put all his weight on me and pushed his head into mine to kiss me so hard that I just couldn't pull away.. I feel like such a sl*t, i really do.. I can't deal with this, not now, not again.. My friend was with me too and she let it happen, while some other guy, his mate f*cked her.

I didn't leave there until 6 this morning, and woke up at 8:30 this morning, feeling rough and broken, dirty, sore.. Really sore.. I squirmed so much and he was like "Oh but I want you, baby.. You know you want me too" he was turkish.. I thought he was ok, he's christian as well, but obviously not a very flaming good 'un!

How will hating myself not cause any good purpose when it's all my stupid f*cking fault for getting so sh*tfaced on vodka and coke, and cherry sourz.. half of a litre bottle of vodka I got through and half of a litre bottle of apple sourz, along with a litre bottle of WKD blue.. I don't even remember half the things I did. All four of us made a pact that no-one but us would know.. pff, like that's gonna stay. It was horrible, the other guy, too was all over me, i couldn't escape.. i was sandwiched between the two of them, both putting condoms on ready to "take me" I feel so gross talking about this, it's horrible, but how the hell else can I let it out? I can't talk to Connor.. He'll break up with me, I know he will and when i found out his friend's girlfriend was pregnant, i thought "I'm going to the clinic on Wednesday for a pregnancy test and loads of STI tests.. i can't deal with this" I mean.. He used a condom, but he was rubbing against me and trying to get inside me without a condom on.. I must've hurt him so much, I pushed and pushed with all my strength and when my elbow locked i didn't care one bit.. I scratched, i bit, i squealed, shouted no, but he wouldn't listen.. But how is it rape when I let him do it? When I sia dthat he could do it, when I told him to put the condom on first? how?
Pressure?

God help me..

[silver_moon]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I tried so hard, i said no....
.....I pushed and pushed with all my strength..
....I scratched, i bit, i squealed, shouted no, but he wouldn't listen.. But how is it rape when I let him do it? When I sia dthat he could do it, when I told him to put the condom on first? how?
Pressure?

You said no! You didn't want it and he put pressure on you... you wanted to stay safe and I don't blame you for that, but the most important thing is that you told him no!! and he wouldn't accept it. It is rape.
I really hope you did go to the hospital and please think again about telling your boyfriend, he'll go with you to the police station, he loves you.

Take care sweetheart,
Molly

[ThePainNeverDies]

I went. I had to phone the police, the hospital couldn't do anything. I came home and phoned them with a female receptionist here. She was really helpful. I was garteful that she was here.

He couldn't have come with me.. By the time we were finished it was 3am. i cried, I panicked, I was trembling so much, even with four layers of clothing on, I felt frozen. They tried making me say that I only reported it to save myself from my boyfriend breaking up with me. To "prove" to him that it was rape.. I got angry and said that's sick and twisted.. I could never do that. I don't like getting people into trouble, especially if they've done nothing wrong.. And the interviewer sat and listened.. It was awful.. But one thing I really hope is that they got all the tears and anger and panicking on camera. Along with the frustration of not remembering some things..

He loves me? What.. When he says this once I tell him: "I don't know why I ever f*cking stayed with you through all this s**t, because that's all you've ever f*cking given out. S**t. You're not worth it, you really aren't, you screwed in the head, f*cked up. I knew this was going to happen, i should've listened to my parents.

[Billy Brown]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I went. I had to phone the police, the hospital couldn't do anything. I came home and phoned them with a female receptionist here. She was really helpful. I was garteful that she was here.

He couldn't have come with me.. By the time we were finished it was 3am. i cried, I panicked, I was trembling so much, even with four layers of clothing on, I felt frozen. They tried making me say that I only reported it to save myself from my boyfriend breaking up with me. To "prove" to him that it was rape.. I got angry and said that's sick and twisted.. I could never do that. I don't like getting people into trouble, especially if they've done nothing wrong.. And the interviewer sat and listened.. It was awful.. But one thing I really hope is that they got all the tears and anger and panicking on camera. Along with the frustration of not remembering some things..

He loves me? What.. When he says this once I tell him: "I don't know why I ever f*cking stayed with you through all this s**t, because that's all you've ever f*cking given out. S**t. You're not worth it, you really aren't, you screwed in the head, f*cked up. I knew this was going to happen, i should've listened to my parents.

I'm new here and I only know of you what I've read in this thread. I know you don't need me to tell you that you can't drink at all, but I'll say it anyway. Alcohol interferes with how meds work, and of course is a depressant in itself. It's obvious you're in terrible pain and your life is a mess. I just know self-medicating will destroy your already compromised view of yourself. It's tough to stop but I can tell you from personal experience it's worth it.

Knowing you're not hurting yourself or contributing to your depression is so crucial to self-esteem and potential recovery. It also doesn't give anyone else the opportunity to say your somehow deserving of how your feeling. I never binged or got drunk but I was a habitual beer drinker. After 1 too many relapses I decided to take alcohol out of the equation. Am I feeling great yet, No. Am I proud of that accomplishment and attempt to help myself. Big time.

I am sorry things are so brutal for you right now and I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds regarding the drinking stuff. If you don't have a serious drinking problem that's good, If you do nothing else can be made right until you are sober. I wish you the best and don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You're fighting a terrible illness. Be well. Billy

[ThePainNeverDies]

I don't have a serious drinking problem, I've done tests and discoeverd I have a slight dependency, but most of the time I drink alone.. And don't go out because I don't like to go out alone.

My key support worker and I were talking about all this yesterday, as much as I didn't want to talk to her about it, we talked thorugh it and decided that when I don't "hang out" with the people that live around me, who have no self respect, not respect for others and drink their lives away, and I keep myself to myself, I'm happy, bouncy, alive again.. But as soon as I go back to hanging out with them, everythin goes "tits up" as Abi said. So, we've decided that the best thing to do is to move me on to more independant living, to be the person I want to be, not the person I don't want to be and am becoming.

My sleeping is all over the place, I still can barely eat or drink and I wouldn' t be surprised if the weight just feel off me.. in a way, this is just feeding my ED even more.. It really doesn't help at all..

[nightbird]

Talk to your therapist. Get help. You really do need it.

If you are honest with those around you, your life will start to improve in many varying ways. If you hide your problems (which show because they do eventually make it to the surface) from those who can help you, you are continuing to harm yourself.

Take a chance ~ take the plunge ~ and dive into the helpful protection of those who can guide you onto the path you need for your healing and strength gathering.

Once you start getting the help you need, that is such a good feeling, you will want to continue... everyone wants more of a good thing, a genuine good thing... so having your life back in your own control is a very good thing indeed.

Please give yourself the gift of healing this year... the sooner you start, the sooner you will feel better.

Won't it be great when you pat yourself on the back for the good decisions you make, and the quality of people and situations you attract that are high, as your standars grow out of respect for yourself?

Peace ~ Be well....
night xoxo

[ThePainNeverDies]

i have lready started trying to heal, I was doing so well, too. For 3 weeks I was so happy.. But this has gone and brought me down a lot, but not so much as before, luckily. I will try and talk to my therapist, that's the onyl thing I can do. He's a guy, so it makes it even harder to be honest.

I'm just getting fed up and angry and upset over havign to keep repeating it to everyone, i don't want to keep having to remember every moment of it..

And my boyfriend just wants to hurt me. For all the s**t I've had. All the s**t I've been through and put on him. Does that sound justified?

[ThePainNeverDies]

ARRRRGGGHGHH!! This is getting all too much and I'm gonna EXPLODE!!! Everyone hates me, everyone wants me gone. Gone, Gone GONE!! Why don't I just f*cking go???!! I just overheard two "friends" of mine having a conversation.

Sam (the girl that was there when the rape happened)
and Charlene.

Sam: "You're coming into town with me in a minute"
Charlene: "Why?"
Sam: "because I'm fed up of this S**t that's going on. nothing's happened. I'm going to pizza choice (where the guy that did it works) and then I'm going to the f*cking police station because I'm fed up of this."

So, yeah.. She's going to the police station.. When I've done ***** all wrong and I've just been told to go there myself and tell the police that she's giving out all this s**t about me, when I'm right there and that I can't live with that as well as all the s**t stirring she's doing. But to be perfcetly honest? What can they do? They can't put a restraining order against her because she lives in the same building as me.. I'm seeing my old key worker tomorrow, i'll see what he can do..

I just don't know how much more of this I can take, it's dragging me down and as hard as I fight for it not to bring me down, I'm falling deeper and deeper and I can't do it anymore, I really can't *cries* I'm feeling like my life is going to be the death of me.. All this is really hurting me too much...

[silver_moon]

I hope the appointment with your key worker went well and you were offered some support and possible advice.

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

ARRRRGGGHGHH!! This is getting all too much and I'm gonna EXPLODE!!! Everyone hates me, everyone wants me gone. Gone, Gone GONE!!

WE don't! We want you to be safe.

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I just don't know how much more of this I can take, it's dragging me down and as hard as I fight for it not to bring me down, I'm falling deeper and deeper and I can't do it anymore, I really can't *cries* I'm feeling like my life is going to be the death of me.. All this is really hurting me too much...

You told me yourself you knew this was bound to get hard at times... what did I tell you? I told you that at those times you can rely on us and your T. Have a little break and then take a deep breath and say "No! I'm not gonna let this ******* get away with this! I can fght for this!"
So now, grab hold of our hands and we'll try and pull you up. Don't give up hope hunny.
I believe in you.

Take care,
Molly

[cantstopcrying]

I think you are doing amazing!! You have come so far!! Your attitude about life is so different than before, you are starting to believe. You are using the tools (people) that you have. You have us and you have your key worker. Sweety, I think you are wonderful!! I think you are gifted and I've told you before I think you shine! This pain and anger and frustration is normal for what you've just been through. Stand your ground and lean on us. Let Sam and anyone else say what they want--no means no and you were right.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I've tried my best and it's like no matter how hard I try, another thing just keeps going wrong.. Again and again it happens and I really don't know how much longer I can keep it up.. Connor and I are having a week or so away from each other but still in a relationship and it's making me feel so alone.. And Charlene last night threw a bottle at my door, hit it and then knocked on it, so I told her to ***** off, whilst on the phone to a friend, who didn't mind because she'd sai dexactly the same thing. As soon as I got off the phone, I turned my music up, so I could sing my heart out. It helped me, I chilled out for a bit then.

I didn't get to see my key worker today.. I had so much college work to do at college and didn't get back until about 4:30 and couldn't find her anywhere and my old key worker, alcohol worker here now, wasn't here anywhere either.. So I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this.

Just as I left here last night, Charlene and Sam were *****ing whilst I was there, about me (basically to me) about how I was "giving them evils". They wouldn't shut up, so as I stood up to leave, I said "Evils are childish and immature. That's why I don't give them."
Sam: "Yes you did, you f*cking *****!!"
"I think somebody needs a new pair of eyes deary"
"No, you twat, you're giving me **** for giving a f*cking statement and telling the f*king truth! What the *****'s wrong with that?! (whispers to charlene.. At least he's not getting charged)" and I thought.. For now!
and said: "Just because you're in a really s**tty place at the moment, Sam, doesn't mean you have to try and drag everyone else down with you. You're pathetic".
The door shut behind me just as she started mouthing off some more. I felt smug because I though 'hah. She's trying her very best to bring me down with her and she's mad because she's not getting her way, because I'm not going down that route again'.

But just thinking about it afterwards made me feel crappy because now everyone here hates me and I can't live in a place where everyone hates me.. I need to live in a place where people actuaally look up to me, just like everyone here used to.. Until Emily and Sam turned up..

*cries* I just don't know how much longer I can deal with all of this, you know? I don't mean all you on here want me gone.. Everyone else does.. And.. I'm sorry I can't get your CD done.. I'll make sure it's done as soon after xmas as possible, or I'll try and book into the recording studio next week.. I promise I will get it done for you and your daughter.. And I'm so sorry if it's not done by xmas

[cantstopcrying]

Sweetheart!!! That CD needs to be the last thing you worry about!! The absolute last!! You don't even worry about it, whenever you feel up to doing it, that would be wonderful; but you put that way to the back for now. I am so proud of you for standing up to them. They can have their opinions, as hurtful as they may be. Any luck on finding a new place to live? That's a good compromise with Connor...still be a couple but take some time to each process what happened. Is your school term almost over, so that you get a break, no matter how small?

Please don't think you aren't wanted here...You are in my thoughts constantly and I look forward to hearing from you. I know others here feel the same. I am so proud of you for thinking you've been down the road before and are not going to to do it again. What strength you have developed! Of course it hurt later, it always hurts when someone we thought was a friend turns out not to be, when people say bad and untrue things about us, it hurts, but you don't have to let it hurt to the point of dragging you down. You really are doing so well. Keep that sparkle in you shining, honey.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I just know that it was my target to get it done this year and I have to hit that, even if it's only a few songs, I HAVE to get it done. It's my target and it was reachable, so I will reach it. It'll help me out a lot if I get it done, because I'll feel usefull and a sense of acvhievement then.

I have gone to the housing staff about these people now, I almost broke down completely, but I am going to speak to Nick, another of my "easy to talk to" workers and will talk to him about it, I have a feeling tissues will be needed on my part..

We're waiting until my membership gets changed to gold so that I can move into a really good flat, the best one possible and somewhere that I can have a pet, too.. I want to get a kitten!!!! It'll give me some company, along with Charlie, but he's not cuddly! Lol. It'd be a disabled kitten though because I love them, they're sooo cute!!

I will have my last day of college before christmas next Thursday and will be singing in town on that day

I'm trying my best to keep it shining and talking to Nick tomorrow will really help. I know that Charlene's in a lot of trouble as it is, staff earlier said "her behaviour recently has been horrendous, and it is being dealt with severely. This will add to it. You're okay for now though, yeah?" and I said yes and that I'd talk to Nick tomorrow.

i have now posted the lyrics to my new song in the creative corner So you can learnthe lyrics when you get my cd! haha. As for this weekend? I'm not sure how it'll be. I'm going to try and keep out of here for as long as I possibly can, probably not stay out for too long because I'm scared of the dark :S

thank you. It's not here I feel unwanted.. It's everywhere else. I feel the most wanted I've veer felt when I'm here

[cantstopcrying]

You are doing wonderful! I'm heading over to creative corner right now!!

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I just know that it was my target to get it done this year and I have to hit that, even if it's only a few songs, I HAVE to get it done. It's my target and it was reachable, so I will reach it. It'll help me out a lot if I get it done, because I'll feel usefull and a sense of acvhievement then.

I have gone to the housing staff about these people now, I almost broke down completely, but I am going to speak to Nick, another of my "easy to talk to" workers and will talk to him about it, I have a feeling tissues will be needed on my part..

We're waiting until my membership gets changed to gold so that I can move into a really good flat, the best one possible and somewhere that I can have a pet, too.. I want to get a kitten!!!! It'll give me some company, along with Charlie, but he's not cuddly! Lol. It'd be a disabled kitten though because I love them, they're sooo cute!!

I will have my last day of college before christmas next Thursday and will be singing in town on that day

I'm trying my best to keep it shining and talking to Nick tomorrow will really help. I know that Charlene's in a lot of trouble as it is, staff earlier said "her behaviour recently has been horrendous, and it is being dealt with severely. This will add to it. You're okay for now though, yeah?" and I said yes and that I'd talk to Nick tomorrow.

i have now posted the lyrics to my new song in the creative corner So you can learnthe lyrics when you get my cd! haha. As for this weekend? I'm not sure how it'll be. I'm going to try and keep out of here for as long as I possibly can, probably not stay out for too long because I'm scared of the dark :S

thank you. It's not here I feel unwanted.. It's everywhere else. I feel the most wanted I've veer felt when I'm here

I think you are a wonderful person. This is the only thread of yours i've read. But...I think you know what is right and what's wrong and that's the most important thing. Because..I think the people who...dont know what is good for them are the ones whose lives will never get better.

Your life WILL get better. You deserve it.
Never forget, you are wonderful and deserve to be treated with respect.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you.. I just wish sometimes that I could see that I am worth the help that so many people offer me.. I mean.. I want to go and talk to Nick about these girls, today.. but I'm too scared that he doesn't care, that he doesn't want to know, that he think's I'll just be whining..

It's the way I was brought up.. I guess being fostered and then adopted didn't help my self esteem, made me feel like I wasn't worthy of happiness.. And then my adoptive family being such tw*ts to me didn't help either, because they were the ones taht told me I wasn't worthy of happiness or anything, they were the ones who told me to cut and such.. And laughed at me when I stopped eating..

I really do know what's right and what's wrong, but sometimes I get so easily dragged into trouble by people. I got threatened with license points which basically means I get closer to being kicked out, because of Charlene being noisy and i was there at the time.. So i got into trouble for it too..

I guess I'm just keeping myself to myself now and having my music as loud as I like, learning the songs that I need to, which means my college work will start to get better.. I hope... I have an assignment in for Tuesday and I haven't even managed to get the brain storms and mind maps done yet, because last Tuesday I was with the police so couldn't do it, and I've been so bogged down with writing songs for college and other essays that it's dragging me down.. I have to write the essay with almost no information and I really can't do that.. And I'll probably get another disciplinary.. Even if I explain that I was raped.. ever since this happened, work's been slipping.. I only just finished an essay that was due in for yesterday, in the lesson yesterday that it was for.. I got it done, but still.. It should have been finished before the lesson.. But then.. I was away for a few ofthe lessons..

[cantstopcrying]

You are doing the best you can with your work. I really think you should talk to Nick. If he can help in any way at all, it's worth a shot. You just don't want to be sitting there at some point in the future saying, "if only I had talked to....." or "if only I had done...." Is there a dean at the school you can talk to about what happened that would be able to talk to your teachers and give you an extension? Focusing on your school work is a good thing--focusing on your music is a great thing--focusing on you is the best thing. You're doing it all right, sweety. It's tough but my goodness look how far you've come!! I am so proud of you! Try your best to stay away from those people who can negatively influence you. It's great that you recognize that you are easily influenced, now you know what to do.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I spoke to Nick on Saturday and he said he's going to talk to Charlene, the girl that keeps getting involved and being nasty when, in fact it's absolutely nothing to do with her! And we had a good chat about how things have changed for me recently and how my realisation of 'If I wasn't supposed to live then why would I have been born?' was such a revalation to me and he was really happy to see that I'd changed how I see things now and he said that not only is he, and my friend Sky, and you and many others very proud of me, but i am proud of myself and he said that he loved seeing me so proud of myself and so happy..

I have spoken to a connexions worker here at the college to see if she can help me at all with this work, ro get my teacher to give me a littl extra help. the essay has got to be 2,000 words! Panic, panic, panic!!!! I guess I've just got to sit at the computer and rack my brains for every bit of information that I can find.

I'm so weak today and i just don't know why.. My sleep has been restless, I'll admit that, but at least I've had some sleep. My legs can barely carry me and my neck's weak and I feel like sych a ragdoll!

Connor commented this morning on how dead I looked. I knew that already, thanks Connor! I feel dead too, to be perfectly honest, I can feel myself going bakc to the beginnings of my depression, when I cried every day and every night. It's happening all over again. I guess it just goes to show that my meds really aren't working at all..

I just hope my doctor changes them again to make sure I get the right meds..