Is It Impossible for Some to Heal?

I've been in therapy over 10 years with my t, and yet i am not healed yet. In fact, i'm seriously starting to worry that maybe i'm a person who literally is too messed up to heal. Could that be possible? I ask because my t is a super good, skilled, committed t -- and i am very committed to healing and try very hard!! But there is one place where i seem to be very stuck, and i don't know what to do. It has to do with working with inside parts and healing.

I'm not officially diagnosed DID, but i definitely have inside parts that are so different, their ways are in conflict to one another. There are at least 2-3 parts that feel like capable adults, and several that feel like very frightened, needy children. Whenever my t and i have started to work with these inside parts (communicating with them, listening to their concerns or pains, etc.), my ability to function goes down. I start feeling alot of emotional pain and physical sensations of extreme anxiety. I also cope less well at those times, have trouble "putting things away" after session, and continue to feel insecure and needy between sessions where i need to have more contact and reassurance from my t.

The best way that i can explain it is that delving into things (even just beginning to) sets off a physical/emotinal panic feeling, and i feel very much like an unprotected child who is in danger and needs to be protected and comforted. At times during trauma work, my t has been willing to sit next to me or hold my hand if the pain gets too strong. But what she does most of the time is encourage the adult me to rescue those parts of myself that feel child-like and in pain. It is almost impossible for me to keep both my adult self and these child parts present at the same time, and i don't feel like a strong adult able to rescue them. I just feel scared and needy, like i need someone to sit and hold me and keep me safe. Because of this, i get very frustrated with the trauma work, and with working with parts. I feel that i am being asked (rightly so) to give to myself that nurturing and stability and help that i didn't get as a child. But it feels scary and hard, and not at all satisfying. It mostly feels like i am alone with that part of myself that is traumatized, and i don't know what to do to make the pain go away. We have visualized having the adult me go back to the scene of the trauma and rescue those child parts, but afterwards, i don't feel relief. I still feel the pain of the trauma, and i almost feel empty. At those times, i want very much to ask my t to sit next to me and offer a hug and some comfort, but i don't ask because i can sense that she wants me to take care of my own self now.

Most of the time, when we delve too far into things, i end up feeling overwhelmed and then i end up going emotionally numb and my "business-like mask" takes over and kind of withdraws from everything, including connection with my t. In the end, we always go back to working on coping skills development, with my t saying that i need to strengthen my self and my ability to tolerate intense emotions.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I guess i'm trying to ask, Is it impossible for some people to heal from their traumas? Is it impossible for some people to ever get a strong enough self of their adult self that they can rescue their own traumatized parts and heal themself? Because no matter how many times we work on coping skills, when it comes down to doing trauma work, i just can't seem to tolerate the emotions and the fallout. I end up feeling so much pain and want/need rescuing, but am being asked basically to rescue myself.

Now my t is thinking about retiring in the next year, and she is pushing me harder to make progress and move ahead. She is a super nice person, but I've been picking up on frustration from her because i am not moving ahead faster. I don't know what to do. I can't get past this point! I can't try any harder than i already am!

I am thinking about telling her to just forget healing from the traumas, because it's so painful and it makes me unstable. But it makes me feel like a disappointment and failure for not being able to heal.

PLEASE SOMEBODY, i need some advice.

yes it is possible to heal. its all in the mind set of what each person considers healed.

here healed does not have to mean integration. it doesnt have to mean co conscious and it doesnt have to mean communicating with the alters. it doesnt have to mean no more mental disorder regardless of the disorder.

here healed means the client is able to have a normal present life without their past causing them problems. they are able to function and their mental disorders are stable not causing them distress in their daily life.

with DID some do choose or it automatically happens with co consciousness and integration for others they are able to learn other ways such as monitoring their triggers, then taking time to ground and calm their self so that they can continue on with their life without dissociating into alters.

if trying to develop communication isnt working for you then don't worry about it. approach it from the other side.. monitor your triggers and learn ways to over come those triggers or find some way that will enable you to remain grounded and continue on with your life.

The word healed is one of those words that are self defining. if you think you are ok without delving into the past and what the alters know then thats ok.

talk with your treatment provider. they will help you to have a happy, unaffected by DID life without having to delveinto the past by monitoring and taking care of the triggers.

We have many clients here at the crisis center and hospital for which there is no way to develop communication so we work on their triggers with them and they go on to have happy productive lives where their DID does not adversely affect their life.

yes healing is possible.

Maybe it's not the parts that need to be worked on, but just the ability to rely on yourself??.....
maybe you become stuck when your T. tries to work on "parts" because that's NOT really what YOU need??

I hope it's all right to say this-- -- it just seems to me from reading many of your posts that there is a great level of dependancy you have on those that you deem your rescuerer. Seems you keep depending on them to take care of your upsets-- when, as an adult-- it's mostly up to the individual to calm and comfort oneself from childhood upsets.
I could be wrong on this though-- as I've NEVER ever depended on anyone to make my life better.... no one was ever there, and those that were supposed to care for me did the most abuse/damage. (father emotionally absent, mother a time bomb-never knew when she'd go off, older siblings and their spouses abusive)

Is it possible for some to heal? I think that healing has varying degrees...... so I can't answer that --as I don't know what degree of healing you speak of.

but- with that said, I do believe that one can have a better life .....

I am a little less suspicious of people than I used to be.... (don't automatically fear they have a gun, or are going to hold me against my will, or hold me down and hurt me)..... I still get fearful but not to such the degree. and I am trying really hard to not "disappear" as much, as I learn and understand some triggers better. (I still lack a single friend IRL-- but with help I"m working on that as well)
Do you know what triggers you? I believe that has helped many people-- to know that the trigger was from back then-- NOT in present times.

anyway-- I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I admire you much for all the hard work you have done. and I hope I have not offended you with anything I've said...... certainly was not meant to.

fins

Hi AmandaLouise,

Thanks for offering me your thoughts. I appreciate knowing that healing doesn't have to be a certai way or "all the way." But maybe it is more of a process then? To get to where you can function well and have a productive life, like you said, even a person doesn't go to the greatest depths and try to solve absolutely everything. I think that might be my problem, that i am thinking of it in black and white -- like i have to resolve every single thing to heal. And when i view it that way, it seems like a monumental task that i can't accomplish!! So thanks for helping me see that there is no one set way to heal for everybody. Yes, i just want to learn to function well within my capabilities, without my mental illness causing me so much emotional turmoil.

My t is pretty big on doing parts work because she can see that i have parts that are not integrated, that she calls "stuck in the past." They are very needy and fearful. It's hard for me to accept or communicate with these parts because i hate to feel their pain and neediness. I have started, with my t's help, to visualize helping them get unstuck from their traumatic feelings, but it often ends up feeling traumatizing to my adult self too. So it's just hard to do! Instead of feeling like a loving nurturer to my child parts, i would rather not be aware of them. But my t says learning to have compassion for them and communicate with them is necessary. Maybe i am just trying to take things too fast and need to slow it down a bit.

Hi Purplefins,

No, i am not offended. Don't worry about that!

I do have a very dependent side to my personality, and it's the part i struggle with the most. Normally, i am not a needy person in my 3D life. I don't talk to people in 3D about my problems, and i absolutely never ask for emotional support from anyone but my h and my t. So i have this persona to most people of being adultlike and capable and able to take care of myself. And most of the time i feel that way!! But the problem comes in when i get triggere or reminded of things that happened to me as a child. Then it is like something in me changes, and i feel like i have become that child all over again. In my body, i will actually feel all of the same fear and anxiety and helplessness as i did back when the event was actually happening and i had nobody to help me. And that's where that feeling of needing to be rescued comes in, of needing to be protected and kept safe and cared for. . .even though I'm not really re-living the past, it feels that way. Once i come out of it and am back to my usual adult self, then i feel embarrassed for being that way. But i can't seem to help it when it happens. Therapy is where it mostly happens to me because that's where i talk about my traumas.

Another part of the problem is that i just never learned how to handle feeling my emotions. My family of upbringing never talks about how they feel. They don't express emotions. And when i had fear and pain or worry as a child, they pretty much just overlooked it, and I was left by myself all filled up with that anxiety and worry. I never knew how to deal with it. While my mom ignored it, my dad seemed to enjoy ramping it up, so he'd tease and taunt me, sometimes until i cried, and he would then laugh at me. I can remember being in my room after one of these episodes, sitting on my bed and rocking back and forth, just trying to get the feelings to stop. I also learned how to go to sleep to escape the feelings.

By the time i was a young adult, I'd learned how to deny negative feelings almost completely. I learned to ignore them so much that i didn't think i even felt them. And then one day. . .i just cracked. I fell into a major clinical depression. Since then, all of my old turmoil of emotions from childhood are suddenly back! They flood through me now, and i feel just as anxious and off-guard by them as i did as a child. I try my best to stay in control and not feel the emotions. But i am unable to deny or ignore them like i did for decades. When they come up, it feels very frightening to me. I am actually very afraid of feeling my feelings! I feel scared and not safe. And again, that's when i feel such a strong need for somebody to comfort/help me. I just can't explain how scary it is to feel emotions that i have kept pushed away for decades.

Sometimes, i think that all i really need from my t is for her to sit next to me at those times when i get triggered into the past, or when the old emotions rush through me -- and just hold my hand and remind me that i am safe and everything will be fine. I know you said that, as adults, it's our job to do that for ourselves, and i understand that. And when i'm in my normal adult mode, i don't have problems with it. It is when i get triggered into the past that i become very scared and needy. My t is trying to get me to hang onto my adult frame of mind at those times, and to rescue myself, but it is very hard to do because it is like being both adult and child at the same time -- the rescuer and the victim.

I'm not sure I'm explaining it right. But I'm trying to say that i don't want to be overly dependent and needy with my t. But i don't know how to prevent it because our work brings out that scared emotional child side of me.

I guess that at those times when i am triggered, i become like a child who needs their mother to help and protect them. And because i didn't experience help and protection when i was emotionally overwhelmed, i didn't learn how to calm myself down or feel safe again. So I'm feeling that i need someone else to help me get to that place. My t has been stressing DBT skills, and we are now covering information on Emotional Regulation. So i am planning to practice these skills over and over when I get triggered, to try to get myself out of the feeling of danger or panic when it happens. I wish so bad i would have learned this as a kid, because then i would know how to handle my own emotions as they happened instead of blocking them until they come rushing in and scare the crap out of me. But all i can do is try to learn the skills now.

Yes It's so very hard to learn the things we were supposed to learn as a child when we're adults now-- I so understand that! but-- it's not impossible! It can be done and some have done it.

Please try(I know it's easier said than done-- heck I'm working on it myself) to NOT fear those old feelings-- they are from the past... they are old and don't match up with the present.... even though we try like heck to make them match up.

Would it help to think of it this way?--- "I will be the kind of parent for my scared/hurt little one that my parents weren't. I can be better than they ever were and show her safety and comfort, she does so deserve that"
(if you're like me this can be a bit difficult when out in the world and something triggers and we totally loose focus and have to go with things just to get through it-- but in sessions, seems to me T. could help with this-- bringing the focus on the comforting adult.??)

Since this stuff seems to mostly happen in session for you-- do you think you put your T. in the position of your parents? since they first caused most of the triggers and now T. is, in a way, continuing them..... you wanted and rightly so- expected your parents to fix your upset/walk you through it to the sunny side-- but they didn't... and now you play the same role with T.-- wanting HER to walk you through it to the sunny side. but that will just keep you stuck-- you see-- one, as an adult, has to do this on their own now. I know it SUCKS! it's not fair coz we NEVER got that and that's all we're asking-- sadly that time is long over now.

How about- go give that little girl a giant lollypop, or buy her her favorite movie, walk through the toy dept and let her see and pick out the most special thing(play dough, legos, stuffed animal, silly putty) that will give her that warm feeling inside- (the warm feeling inside is important-IMO)....

YOU are her safety zone now you have the power to comfort her, make her feel special, cared about and loved-- you know her better than anyone else.
-- like Dorothy in Oz-- you've had the power all along, you just didn't know it.

hope I've not rambled on too much and that some of this made some kind of sense for you.

best to you,

fins

hello Peaches,
Just thought I'd let you know that I too am working on DBT Emotion Regulation w my T at present. I too 'ignore' any child/like parts rather than be open and nurturing. Its only been a month since I even acknowledged their existence, 2 yrs after dx. I guess we can't rush these things! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and to keep on keeping on.

kp

Peaches100,

Thanks for stating so well what we are going through. Little bit by little bit...

I really like fins ideas of soothing with:

Quote:

How about- go give that little girl a giant lollypop, or buy her her favorite movie, walk through the toy dept and let her see and pick out the most special thing(play dough, legos, stuffed animal, silly putty) that will give her that warm feeling inside- (the warm feeling inside is important-IMO).... YOU are her safety zone now you have the power to comfort her, make her feel special, cared about and loved-- you know her better than anyone else.

We are even taking our little ones to our new class on martial arts (at least we let her see out a bit when it is safe) and so far so good. A very little one saw her mommy's heart today and some luv, something she needed, or was needy for.

I don't think our little ones think they are being healed or not being healed...they don't think they are sick or anything. Does that make sense? They just sometimes feel things and want to be reassured by our therapists because sometimes as adults we haven't quite figured out how to do that.

And thanks to KP for this:

Quote:

I guess we can't rush these things! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and to keep on keeping on.

Peaches, I think you are right to say to take the time you need and do the best you can and not rush it. Thanks for the reminder.

Hi Purplefins,

Yeah, I'm trying not to fear the old feelings when they come up. It's so weird because they seem to hold such POWER! And it frightens me! I have a problem with intense emotions anyway so it's easy to feel overwhelmed by them. What i need to remember is that when i have felt the emotions, as bad and scary as it felt at the time, i got through it and didn't die.

I was thinking about what you said earlier about being overly dependent and wanting my t to rescue me. It is something that i feel internally. Yet i rarely act on it. What i mean is that as much as i get into emotional states where i want t to rescue and comfort me, i don't ask her to when we're face to face. I've actually never asked her face to face to hug me or physically comfort me when i'm in pain. I've talked alot about the desire for that in emails. But when it comes down to it, i try to struggle with it alone and don't ask for help. In 10 years, i've only asked to hug her twice, and have never asked her to hug me. She has held my hand once and patted my back once. So would you say that i am still overly dependent and want her to rescue me -- if i have those desires but continue to try to struggle with helping myself instead of asking her for help? Just curious about that.

I know that somehow i need to start feeling like a parent to my own child parts. I'm not sure how to do that. I can say the words i need to say to them, such as comforting words. But i don't feel anything in my heart toward them. How do i change that? It feels inauthentic to me. Sometimes, my t asks me how i feel about that hurt child part of me that holds so much pain. I want to say that i feel bad for her and want to comfort her, but i don't feel much of anything. Why not??? How do i start feeling love and caring for her????

Yes, i think you are correct in thinking that i am putting my t in place of my parents mentally/emotionally. I guess i do honestly want her to help soothe me. Is that wrong to want that? I know she can't do it all the time or really be available for me like a mom would be. But is it wrong to want her to care deeply for me?

I think sometimes i project feelings onto her that end up not belonging to her, such as when she does something that feels like she is rejecting me. I get it stuck in my head that that is what she is doing, but when we talk it over, i realize that she was not rejecting me after all. But i don't realize it at the time when i feel rejected. Like she will make a comment and i will think, "Oh great, she thinks i'm lazy or not working hard enough in therapy, just like my dad thought i was lazy as a kid for not cleaning my gerbil cage." That is what i thought when she said she knew i carried around the DBT book but was i ever using the skills? I find that it can be very hard sometimes to figure out if my reactions to my t are based on what she says/does or if it is based on what i expect her to say/do/think because i am conditioned to look for rejection.

I appreciate your support, Purplefins.

Hi Krazy Phoenix,

Thanks for letting me know you're working on the same thing i am. Are you going through the green DBT book or the Linehan book? We're going through the green workwook.

I wonder why we want to ignore our child-like parts??? I have thought about it alot and all i can figure out is that (1) i am very ashamed and embarrassed of how needy those parts are and (2) my mom ignored me when i was hurting and needy as a kid. So i think i have internalized that, and now i want to ignore myself when i am hurting. It feels like the "right" thing to do because as an adult, i have this position that i should not have a part inside that feels scared and little and wants to be comforted.

Have you figured out why you ignore your child-like parts?

Hi Hunny,

I am glad that you are finding ways to work with and communicate with your little parts. I have talked to mine alot and have used soothing words at times. But it feels artificial to me, and i don't know why. In my last session, we did a visualization where i pictured the adult me rescuing the hurting child from the past from an abusive situation. But after doing it, i did not feel any relief. What do you think is causing this? I think that i felt proud that i had taken the child's hand and led her out of the bad situation into a safe room. But once i got there, i felt overwhelmed and even scared, like "What do i do with her now?" I remember that i cried because i felt like i was being saddled with taking care of a little girl and i did not feel confident that i knew how. i felt little and scared myself. Does this make any sense to you? So something is wrong because i am trying to perform these "rescue operations" by doing this healing work with the hurt child parts but it is not feeling soothing. I am not sure what is wrong.

As far as how the hurt child felt being led out of the abusive situation, she went readily with the adult out of the situation and into the safe room, but she didn't feel much of anything. Like i did not feel a comforting soothing feeling in my body the way that i have felt a couple of times when my t spoke comforting words to the child part or held my hand during the trauma work.

Would it be a bad idea when my t and i are doing this work to ask her to help soothe the hurt part? Or should i just keep plugging along trying to do it myself, even if it doesn't feel good inside?

What i also find very, very hard is to keep my adult self present at the same time that the child part is activated. It is very hard to keep the presence of both of them in my mind at the same time -- much less than try also to rescue her. Why is this such hard work?

I often wonder if i have co-conscious DID or just very conflicting, dissociated ego states. . .

(((Peaches)))

"A rose by any other name..."

Peaches, it is unclear as to who feels 'saddled' with the looking after but we did try to have our teen care for our children for awhile. She felt this same way, worried, lacking real concern and bewildered somewhat by the request. Time is the favourable aspect here. Even new mothers experience these feelings sometimes. It's not all like in the movies, instant adoration or at least it may not be.

Have you tried a table of toys as in play therapy. This seemed to help our little ones connect with the adults a bit and see the bigger picture.

It is hard to take it seriously when de_nile sometimes works too, but, then if we keep ignoring we can also remain kind of stuck.

How 'bout you do some self-soothing and T do some soothing...learning and receiving however you can is how parents learn too. You know sometimes we take a parenting course and sometimes it's gentle trial and error, hopefully not risking the children going back inside.

Does your therapist say 'hi' to the different parts as they show up? Can she/he see them and their distinct traits? Usually we take some time at the beginning to acknowledge everyone and who may like to say/do something.

Maybe some parts will never know complete healing because they don't really, grow as in growing as we know it, maybe they are woven together inside with the others and that is where 'the tapestry of who we are' is and it is so wonderful! Here's the thing, if something is working then it's good to keep it, if it is not let it go. I don't mean let go of the therapist per se but maybe the means they are using that is not working. There are lots of alternate therapies. If the DBT is working for you then go for it, if not ask around for what others are doing.

Will you accept the alters/parts/ego states, or whatever they are called if they are not healed, Peaches? I mean, who is perfect of the typical folk, anyway? I've yet to meet one perfect person on this planet. Everyone has 'stuff', I'm just wondering if you are done? Is done the way to say it? ...or are you stuck still? How can you tell? What is the measurement for healed or done?

I'm sorry i only havea few minutes.... I'm hoping to come back to this at a later date .... just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Heh! I was going to write that VERY same thing... but thought I'd better not in case it wouldn't be helpful for you. It is just what the T. I see says-- that if one feels a feeling they don't die. but that frame of thinking can be hard to wrap ones head around-- at least it can be for some of us.

Well, I'm not sure -- but it seems from what I'm learning that it's not so much the "acting" on the dependance-- as it is the issue of it keeping one "stuck" in place.
does that make sense?
like I may not ever ask someone to tie my shoe for me-- but if I don't do it for myself then I will be stuck NOT being able to tie my own shoe- even though I didn't have a "parental" figure do it for me-- I still had hopes that they would and so that kept me from doing it on my own.... (I had issues as a child with the inability to tie shoes) can you see how that could keep someone stuck and dependant?

I've had to take some time to think about this. It's hard for me to understand as I was ALL i had as a child-- I had to be the protector, the comforter, the parent and everything else, to keep me alive.... to survive. I had to get food when I thought my body needed it, I had to hug myself with a blanket when I was terrified and most of all I kept away as much as I could from humans, as they were bad news.
I was wondering if volunteering at a homeless shelter would help to put you in the "child" frame of mind-- how they are just passengers in the lives of adults, how they haven't many choices... I think it could perhaps get you back in touch with the child parts of you.(everyone has them, just most adults forget what it REALLY feels like to be one) I volunteered for a few years at a shelter and let me say-- Wow--- I understood so much more about myself-- they all thought I was helping them-- but really --THEY helped me!!

anyway-- I really have to go now. I hope that you find some inner peace with this. I hope I've helped you some. it is truly hard work, I so understand

fins

Thank you for your posts!! I am taking some time to think about all of this.

I can really relate to wondering if it's possible to heal after being in therapy for 10 years with a t that I percieve is competent. I know now that I couldn't nuture littles because I didn't have a clue what nuturing was and trying to "make it up" or "fake it" until it became real just didn't work for me.

Of course I have noi idea if this will help you, but what I had to learn was how to nuture myself in the outside world first. That's been a lot more difficult than what it sounds like. I've had to find fairly well adjusted people and hang around family situations to observe. That would also bring up more pain and grief too. But I really had no clue.

I've been with the therapist I have now for 4 years and she's tried doing the same with very little success. Recently I read on a blog (don't recall what it's called) that developing a positive mother can be difficult when the mother was absent (like mine) most of my focus has been on my dad since he was my primary abuser.

I can't just make a part to do something that we have no clue about. I am going to have to learn what that is first. It's not just doing all the "right things", but experiencing the feeling and parts know if the feeling is there or not. I need to feel nutured before I can nuture them and I don't feel that way in my own world.

One thing I have learned about getting stuck is that it's not "my fault". Instead something has been missed, is missing or there's some other reason for it. Sometimes I'm inpatient trying to get all the parts on the same level. Sometimes I don't recognize the healing that has taken place because healing takes on many forms. Sometimes I need to go back to a more basic level. Some of my kids didn't know what healing was or that there was anything more than what they knew. They had lost hope (I'm working on that too). This stuff really is limited only by the child's imagination and that's way different from adult thinking. Sometimes I forget to listen to them.

This is different for everyone, but I can relate to feeling stuck for what seems like an endless amounts of time. I just keep believing the answer is there and I haven't found it yet.

Well I have been in therapy since 1992 and I don't care to tell you how long that has been.
Sometimes the T isn't on the same page like for instance mine. He is good but it has taken a looooong time to get on the same page.

Please take as much time as you need and can pay for...... and it depends on what your working on. There is so much that goes into it.... but I do know what you mean. If your T is working for you then stay with him or her and work through it..... way to go and what an awesome question!!!

Good Luck in your healing and let your heart lead the way and please don't be worried.... I know easier said then done.... Peace...Crew

Peaches,
have you heard of EMDR? It's kinda a way of rewiring your brain so that the trauma you've experienced isn't so traumatic... I've been in many different kinds of therapies (including Dbt) many different therapists... Tried many self help books and workbooks as well. I'm in the process of preparing to start EMDR. It might be helpful to you as well. It's supposed to speed up healing, that's what I'm most looking forward to, if this works for me.

Hi Peaches! Nice to meet you! I think you've been getting some great feed back, but I just wanted to add a couple things I thought of.
First of all, I really agree that "healing" is not a black and white proposition. To say that you're "healed", may not be something I or anyone else could do, but instead I aim for being "well." I think of it like having a chronic illness, like diabetes. If you work every day to regulate your eating, test your blood sugar a lot, take insulin the way you're supposed to, ect., you can be well every day! You still have diabetes, but that doesn't mean you're sick every day.
Second, I really struggle with appropriate emotional control. One thing that really helps me is to remind myself (and remind myself over and over again!) that feelings and emotions are powerless in and of themselves. It's what I DO as a result of my feelings that is important. So, feeling sad is okay, and I can choose to do something unhealthy because of it, or I can choose to do something that keeps me well because of it. It's a super simple concept, but it's been challenging for me to put into practice. However, it's been rewarding, too, when it works!
Thanks very much for sharing with us. ~Gretta

I see that you are having trouble after working on trauma in therapy ...more than before working on it.
Can i suggest a reason?

I used to think i should contain all that my alters had been through...That i should serve them....that i should take memories as MY OWN. and some parts were serving and rescuing others. like you mentioned your T suggests. You seem to have a lot of pain in you because now you - less that 100% you - is trying to deal with the pain that belonged to them.

I have tried something entirely different:
I think there need to be a balance achieved through the entire system.
That every part learns to contain its feelings and take responsibility to actions.

Older parts rescuing younger parts might not be helping because emotions are been thrown violently from part to part instead of being dealt with. Maybe the younger need to be told to remember that somehow they survived, that they dealt with this already. That it may SEEM as thought they were helpless but in fact they are not. Even without adult parts.That they were and are capable of staying alive and independent through all of this.

When the balance is achieved and each alter CONTAIN emotions - and not just messing up with them like our younger usually do - then older can be told to support them. But this happens through communication. Not through someone else taking it FROM them. The parts who was through it needs to deal with it first and acknowledge.

After that you can share the memories all together as an awareness that they all happened to your body. They are real parts of you and without them dealing better independently there will always be this trauma throwing...one can`t deal - the other takes its place. Like a ball game.

Amandalouise,

Thank you for such a well thought-out answer. I believe part of my problem is that I'm wanting "total" healing. I don't want to have these needy or scared feelings anymore! i don't want to want to have attachment problems! i don't want to have to keep feeling and facing emotional pain every day! I just want to go back to the way i was before i had my breakdown years ago. Happy all the time, and not triggered or afraid or needy. or needing a mother figure.

i functioned better when i was in denial. i functioned better when i didn't know i had child parts of myself that were unhealed, and when i didn't know i dissociated. I didn't used to need anybody's help. But my breakdown suddenly introduced all of my hurting, traumatized child parts into my life, and i can't deal with them. i've tried and it's too hard. they need too much, and i can't give it to them. my t can't give them enough either. it's too hard. i don't want to try anymore.

Hi Purplefins,

I just re-read what you posted to me. Gosh, i try so hard to be strong for myself. i hate needing my t. i don't know why i need so much contact with her. i don't want to feel attached! It's like swallowing nails trying to get by with less support now, and managing my own emotions without as much comfort. it feels like i'm losing my t, even though i guess i have not really lost her. but it feels like it.

you know, one of the things i've learned in therapy is that when I feel hurt or triggered, it's important to talk to my t about it, and not just disconnect emotionally. But i'm finding it so hard to break away from her comfort and cope on my own that it would be easier for me to just cut off my attachment to her completely. i feel like i'm being pushed out of the nest . . .nudged out more and more over time. and it hurts.

The only way i can handle this is to disconnect. jump out and get the pain and crash over with.