I really REALLY don't like my wife

You know As a guy I can ID with a lot of what you've gone through. To make a long story short you probably stayed with her just for the SEX. You should have realized how she really was and got out quick. But you just couldn't give up that great sex. Now because of that look what it has turned into. How do know your kids won't give a damn about you later on in life ? You make yourself out to be the great hero when all you are is a lustful fool. Your wife may need help and I don't think she got the help she should have gotten.

Come on now , fess up to the fact that your not the victim here , you just got sideswiped by life.

Also it's interesting to note that your last paragraph says a lot. Your just looking for a new piece of ***.

I think you should get out now.

Write a best-selling book warning other guys about how to not think with their d**k when choosing a wife.

I have a feeing you'll continue to fall under her spell. And tap that.... How many more kids do you want?

Am I the only one here you does not feel sorry for the OP???

Birth control? You had 2 children with a hot piece of a--. Who is crazy and annoying.

Bummer. Get a divorce.

Your story reminds me so much of my boyfriend. He and his ex-wife met in college, married too young, and never really liked each other much. She "accidentally" got pregnant while supposedly on birth control. He resigned himself to staying until his son was 18 and then getting the hell out. When she mysteriously accidentally got pregnant with their second child he thought of it as "time added to his sentence." They were very mututally abusive for 18 years until she told him on their anniversary that she didn't want to be married to him anymore. She didn't really mean it and was pretty shocked when he went through with a separation. He went to therapy, got diganosed with Narcissitic personality disorder, got sober and realized that she was way worse of a person than he was and they needed to divorce unless he wanted to drink himself to death.

I'm convinced she has NPD too and possibly BPD as well. She got custody of both kids and moved to another state where she continued to f*** up her life because she refuses to get any help. I have been dating my boyfriend a little over a year and one of the two kids has already come back to live with him and the second likely will soon because the ex has deteriorated to the point that a judge will probably take custody away. All that being said, we have a wonderful healthy relationship, we are deeply in love and support and respect each other. He did not believe that real love was even possible when he split with his ex. We rarely fight, the sex is great and frequent, honestly I could not have imagined a better relationship. I'm thankful every day he had the strength to go through with the separation when she brought it up. Everyone's situation is different and only you can know what's right for you but your kids will figure out that you two don't like each other, and you're postponing the chance at a happy, loving relationship until they're grown.

Not to worry, everything that is mine is mine black on white. So that's not an issue.

Maybe you're hiding? Or you have unrealistic expectations of SO's? Just guessing here!

Of course! Well that obviously wasn't the only reason but it's a factor for sure.

I assume you've been properly ordained by the roman catholic church and are thus qualified to take my confession?

Your statement causes me to wonder what possible benefit i would enjoy from earning a label as a "victim"? Perhaps you feel that label has some intrinsic value? I can't say i agree... In fact i find it rather condescending, if anything. Did i get it right, was that about what you were aiming for?

Well...i... just like being prepared! You never know there might be some calamity in the future causing most of the female population to die or turn into hairy men. I best get on the waiting list before then... cause i really don't think i can get accustomed to the stickier side of male intimacy AMIRITE??!

Unless you're offering...?

Isn't that common knowledge? I think the problem is the naive and gullible nature of youth and inexperience. It really doesn't help to be told "don't think with your d**k" if you don't know what that means. Or being told about warning flags, when you don't know how to read them.

Besides, i had the benefit of reading the warning flags, but my response wasn't appropriate, i also ignored them on several occasions, thinking I could beat the odds (another perk of youth, overconfidence).

This is all a moot point though, doesn't change anything, never will, not for me nor anyone else.

I don't think so (though i might be wrong ). Lately she's been having an upswing from here usual dreary self. She's been excited about the prospect of becoming a homeowner (ridiculous i know, but it's very cheap as it's a partial inheritance). She says she'd like the security of having a place to go if things don't work out for us... So i'm thinking she's on her way out.

Usually when she has an upswing in her mood it causes me to try and reforge some kind of bond with her and do some "family stuff", but now it's different. I'm excited about the prospect of parting amiably, and the more things move in that direction the further i feel myself moving away from her and the more exciting i'm getting about the prospect of being on my own again, after all these years.

To answer your final question...

I've always felt three was a good number... two down, one to go, although i'm pretty sure the third one wont share the same genetic make up with it's two siblings. Not that there's anything wrong with their genetic make-up mind you, just part of the source of it.

I hope not, but it's ok either way

Interesting idea. Sounds so simple when you say it like that... One would almost start to wonder why one couldn't see it before...

Sort of like "You been bringing immigrants into your country for 40 years and now that they're acclimated they expect proper wages and HC and stuff... bummer, deport them!"

I'm sure there's absolutely NOTHING that could possibly go wrong with that plan... Starting by "where are they going to get deported TO?!"

In fact i think I recall some prominent figure recently addressing the UN about a similar issue that occurred back in the late 1930's somewhere in some backwater nation in central Europe... you probably heard of it, since they had a big fuss over it, and exchanged some harsh words, couple blows, few million bullets and a couple H-bombs etc AND apparently a couple people got badly hurt, even killed i heard!... not all that many, couple dozen million orso. Nothing you wouldn't bounce back from!

I think we have a few graveyards spread all over Europe to commemorate random bits and pieces of unidentifiable soldier.

Cause you know when you boil something down the simplest possible solution you will definitely find one... just not sure if it's the one you necessarily want.

So while i appreciate your suggestion, I think i'll approach the whole situation with a bit more caution.

Oh and, you're welcome!

Wow. You know anything I say after reading all that will seem moot and pointless because you are DEAD set in staying in this situation. You're the epitome of making your bed and laying in it.

Honestly though, I do hope things turn for you and you get that spring of luck that hopefully, maybe she will leave you? After years of you paying for everything, cleaning up after her and whatever else, I think that hot piece conquered you. Conquered you so much that you see absolutely NO WAY out. Not even with a lawyer not even warranting an attempt to even try.

Just remember what some of the other people said. Your kids SEE this. Years of this type of dysfunction is gonna cause THEM to get therapy in the long run.

But que sera sera, its your life. and this is a place to vent not for anyone to judge. I just think the other people are just trying to help you through this and are just providing options, but I am not gonna do that because you won't listen. I know already. YOU know what you have to do, its up to you to do it. Life ain't easy that's for sure, and in your case its an understatement.

It's good to hear that your wife is already excited at owning her own home and can use that for back up in case you two do split up. Good on her!

Well not ALL the time. In fact I quite frequently simply ask for advice from an appropriate source when and if I feel I need it, but in this case I really didn't do so, and while I generally encourage debate and discussion just to look at the situation from different angles, there is a point where that sort of thing just isn't useful anymore.

And there were definitely more than a few "points of view" on this topic that were beyond useless, not to say outright counterproductive. (not saying yours was specifically, i meant in general)

I mean it's not rocket science here. It's pretty obvious what i "should" be doing for myself, and how I can most easily improve my quality of life RIGHT NOW... But the reality of the situation is that it's just not that simple, and it rarely if ever is in life.

The truth is that 90% of everyone who gets a divorce does so for their own personal reasons and benefits, and they justify that decision to themselves by reverse rationalizing that decision to the point where they are convinced "it was best for everyone". Was it really? Well that deserves an in-depth observation of every specific situation. I think it CAN be the truth when you make said decision because you are so miserable, so completely at your wits end in your current situation that it's undermining your emotional health and your ability to function as a parent/son/daughter/brother/sister/employee or just overal as a human being that isn't being submitted to mind numbing stress, or when the stakes simply aren't that high... when all you really need to think about is who is going to get the TV, the nice set of stake knives and who is going to move and who isn't.

To clarify; I am perfectly FINE. I can cope with this situation just fine, and i will continue to cope with it for as long as I deem necessary.

Perhaps it's difficult to truly grasp how and why, but I am genuinely, strongly convinced that my kids are far FAR better off the way things are now, than if I were to pull the plug on this family and start over.

Maybe my kids will be fine, eventually, but my wife won't, and she is their mother, and they rely on her, for better or worse, in a lot of things. Me pulling the plug now will be the same as crashing her into completely chaos, and my kids are going to be in the middle of it.

So no, i'm not going to do that. I'm still on the younger side of my life, and fate willing i will be around long enough to see my kids grow up well, maybe even help my wife find some stability in her life (I want to explicitly state this is NOT a goal i have, because i can already hear the stampeding horses of the keyboard psychoanalyst running up with a white knight badge.), AND still have enough time left to start over and maybe some day have the kind of relationship that is actually rewarding to me, and with someone who actually appreciates me or has even a vague clue as to what my value system is all about.

But for right now that's just not an option.

At any length i think I've vented enough for now, and for a long time to come ;-)

Ok. Admittedly, I skipped reading everything to post my answer when I got to your question, "...Anyways, so what do you suggest i do? Like her? How do you force yourself to like someone?!..." You don't. What I suggest you do is keep thinking but stop fortune telling. You don't KNOW what will happen if you do x, y & z. You only think you know. As someone who grew up with a mother who stayed unhappily married to my father, "for the sake of the kids"... well, let's just say, the role model I had for a loving healthy adult relationship I'm just now beginning to overcome and understand (I'm 55). It was ______ up.
I'm not saying anything about you... I'm just giving you my current perspective based on a personal experience.
Here's a song that sums it all up quite well:

"I Hope"
Sunday morning, I heard the preacher say
Thou shall not kill
I don't wanna hear nothing else about killing
And that it's God's will

'Cause our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

Oh, Rosie, her man he gets too rough
That's all she can say, is he's a good man
He don't mean no harm
He was just brought up that way

But our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
It's okay for us to disagree
We can work it out lovingly

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, you'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, you'll have more happy ever after
I hope, you can all live more fearlessly
And you can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

There must be a way to change what's going on
No I don't have all the answers

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

I hope, I hope, I hope

OfficeWarrior,

This 5-month-old message jumped to the top of the heap, with it's very intriguing title, because of the April addendum. Like a shark drawn to blood, I had to read it all.

I have mixed emotions about divorce and children. When my wife divorced me, I was horrified at the impact that it might have on my 2-year-old son; rightfully so, as things turned out. She had a new husband/father waiting in the wings, she immediately became pregnant with his child and I quickly became the superfluous dad. My little townhouse and meeting the girls that I dated couldn't compare to the safety of a two-parent, one sibling home. I went crazy, lost all custody and haven't seen my 21 year old son since he was 3 ½. I'll never get a chance to meet him.

There's this strange thing that happens when it's the father that is forced out of the family home (which, of course, I gave up without a fight; I didn't want to see my son grow up in the type of accommodations that my wife could have afforded). You're part of a family. And then the divorce is finalised and you're no longer part of a family. In my case, the new husband and father slid right in and took my place.

Don't believe the lie that "you're still a father." Those 2 ½ days over a two week period, feeling guilty about keeping my son away from his "family" every other major holiday, etc. Unless you have a sort of miracle judge, you're going to "lose" your kids in a divorce. Something that you already know.

I read a book after my divorce named Fatherless in America. It may still be in print. What was remarkable about the book was the almost prescient descriptions of what father's can, more likely than not, expect from their children and their children's mother after a divorce. The book should have been a wake-up call. But it didn't have any impact at all. See if you can find a copy and read what things could be like for you and have been like for so many of us.

Personally, I find your "for the sake of the children" reasoning to be solid. You're going through hell so that your children need not. Will they recognise that there's something off in the bond between you and your wife? Most likely. But as they age they will also most likely realise that you could have abandoned them but that you didn't.

I've known far too many men who place so little value on their children, no value on the 'first' family that they created, that they dump those kids to create a new family with a new wife. I've heard those kids talk about the pain and grief that they felt at suddenly feeling that dad didn't like them any longer. Some pretty horrible stories.

If I had had a choice in the matter, I would have opted for staying together and even having more children. That may sound odd but we had always planned 3-4 children so that they would, with luck, come to be friends.

I mainly scanned some of the messages... do you and your wife still sleep in the same bedroom? Do you still have dynamite sex? I know some might think me petty for asking but I really do think that it's important for your children to see you sleeping together and maintaining intimacy.

I hate that you're in this situation. Looking back, now, I think that it's safe to say that I hated my wife for final 6 of the 7 years that we were married. Not sure how to say this, but I never stopped loving her, either. Most importantly, though, are the memories that I had for the love of my son. I've tried to let him know that the door is always open, but I just don't think that he's interested. I think that if my wife tried to make him believe anything about me, it's that I abandoned him (while leaving him a quite large and well-managed trust).

It's pitiful but if I want to see current photos of my son, I have to have old acquaintances pull them from Facebook and send them to me. They'll sometimes include photos of my wife. She almost looks younger than she did did 17 years ago, damn her. She never needed makeup or lipstick or mascara or anything like that. Her skin is as taught and wrinkle-free and her hair is as soft and golden and shining as ever. And he's so handsome. In nearly every photo he's surrounded by lovely girls. And smart. So smart. I know that his field of study has something to do with Economics but I dare not even attempt to explain what.

You don't want to get to the point where you can only love your children from afar or never be so emotionally distant that they can't tell you what they've been told of you.

You have my vote of confidence in having made the right decision in putting your children before self. It's rare these days. There's that thought that you must completely love ones self and have completely forgiven and even embraced and come to terms with ones self before you're even capable of empathy. I don't believe that.

We're all flawed. Some in different ways. I think that when we acknowledge our flaws, whatever advice we may give or suggestions we may offer become more acceptable to others. I'm not exactly sure why I am more likely to trust someone who has tried and failed. Maybe I identify more someone who struggles, someone more like me.

I'll close. Just wanted to offer my support and well wishes. It seems that opinions are split here, but I believe that you've thoroughly thought of most possible outcomes and are acting on the one that has the least possible negative affects on the people that you love

I agree that staying together especially for young kids IS important. Shoot, I stayed in that bad marriage the whole 33 years though the final 13 years was just living under the same roof but separated by the fact that I lived in my own part of the house & never had sex with him.

I do have one comment on this from a wife's point of view. If there is no love & the sex is just because the guy wants it, that can very well make the woman feel like a prostitute & if she really doesn't want it, it can feel to her like rape. So just make sure that kind of evrironment isn't happening even with the agreement to stay together for the kids

eskie,

I just mentioned the "dynamite sex" because the OP had professed a... weakness for it early on. It sounds as if his wife was very good at seduction and, if anyone was doing the seducing, it was the wife of the easily manipulated husband. I understand what you mean, but it doesn't seem to be the case here.

But simply sleeping together? Grown people should be able to do that without fear of going into rut if their toes touch. Touch is important to kids (or it was to me) and I would have felt strange if I noticed that my stepmother and dad didn't touch and particularly odd if they slept in different room or beds!

This is a great post, and I feel terrible for you not knowing your son. I'm in somewhat the same boat as the OP - in a 15 year marriage (we're late 40's), and two small kids. Wife and I had a good relationship until the kids arrived, then she became a total nag - everything I did was wrong (feeding the kids, clothing the kids, driving, etc etc etc). Now she's totally lazy - instead of feeding the kids at a reasonable time, she sits on her rear playing her iPhone games while the kids are either on an iPad or playing in another room. They won't eat until 7:00, then she won't pick up the kitchen when done. She's always on her phone playing games while the kids play - she won't take them anywhere, while I'm always taking them places (and she doesn't go with us - I don't want her complaining about everything so I just take them myself).

Sex life is nonexistant, which is fine as she's allowed herself to put on 50 lbs and she doesn't weigh much less than me. She joined Jenny Craig with a couple friends, but while they're still on the program, she claims that she can't do it even though we're paying for it (she also has no concept of money - she thinks that we have a machine that just prints money).

Needless to say, I'm very unhappy in this marriage, but like you stated, I don't want my kids to think I abandoned them (wife is very immature, and she'd be the type to say bad things about me to them when I'm not around). If I'm around, then I can keep my influence with them, then when they're out of the house I can finally leave (although I'll be technically a senior citizen by then). I just do things with them without Mommy whenever I can - I want them to be active and not sit around like their mother.

Unless you want to be miserable for the next 10+ years Reggio, I think you should look at WHAT HAPPENED??? to your marriage. It can't really be all her fault, right? You must have some responsibility in this mess. I would try everything to try and get back your relationship...have you tried couples counseling and if not and she refuses, then go alone. Both of your behavior is affecting those children, whether you realize it or not.
And don't you want to be happy?? Please, please try to do something. Big hug for you!

Well i decided to drop in again as it's been a while and it's late and i'm bored but can't sleep cause my lovely wife made my blood boil (again) right before bed -time...

All that aside now; Thanks for your post cinderguy, it's good to know i'm not totally crazy, even though that is the impression i'm getting from the world around me.

My dad "doesn't get it" thinks i'm stark raving mad, doesn't understand why i'm staying with "that woman" (he doesn't like her, through nothing i said or did mind you, he reached that conclusion all on his own... for obvious reasons). What's worse is that my dad tends to lash out at me for crap she pulls... ugh... thanks for the support pop!!

But yeah, it's ok, I know he's there for me when push comes to shove, and that's enough.

My mom is a bit more enlightened in that respect, though she seems to insist that it's just a phase and it will pass and we'll all be happy (i think she's in denial ;-) ).

But i can see how it's confusing... after all i LIE to my wife about my feelings for her.

That is, she knows i'm not "madly in love" or anything like that and that our relationship isn't all that great, but I don't tell her I hate her guts, and if she asks me if a "love her" i just say "sure...". Not sure if she believes me or not, but the fact is that she's got the mind of a teenager, if i told her how i truly felt (and i have at the worst of times) there would be NO END of misery. She's not the kind that can take rejection with grace... more like the kind that makes your life hell, slits her own wrists in the bathroom during the family dinner and then comes storming out screaming "LOVE ME OR I KILL MYSELF"...

Yeah so... NOT a good idea this honesty thing.

I don't really consider the sex all that much anymore. It's not that i'm impotent or have simply stopped feeling the urge, the fact is just that I have simply lost every last scrap of respect i ever had for her, and pretty much everything she says and does disgusts me and has me biting my tongue not to unleash a hailstorm of "I f***ing told you so!" narratives.

Yeah we still share a bed... an oversized King, with separate sheets, and we have different bed-times. I tell her it's cause she wiggles in her sleep and i'm a night-owl, the truth is I just want to avoid her at all costs.

Fortunately she seems to have given up on the idea of sex two, she doesn't mention it anymore and has disengaged from physical contact entirely... well she still asks for a hug every once in a while... usually when her potty mouth and stark raving temper tantrums have turned the entire planet against her and she needs a wing to hide under, but yeah... yes she actually ASKS for them... like my three year old daughter does... only less cute and more "yuck".

My biggest hope now is that she will just stay away from me as much and as often as can be expected while still living in the same house. It's hard for her as she insists on yapping at me about trivial immature nonsense and she likes to follow me around to continue her yapping. Every once in a while she brushes a vaguely interesting topic (i should say once or twice a month really... during her daily, non stop, yapping) but as soon as i engage her on it and try to provide some input into the conversation, her eyes glaze over and it feels like i'm talking to porcelain vase... before being served a complete non sequitur.

Oh yes, the joys and thrills of my married life ;-)

Lately I've been having a different kind of issue though (she's upped the anti), i think she finally going certified crazy. She's always been kind of wacky but lately a lot more so.

See i had gotten used to paying for everything, having to do everything for her, having to hold her hand through everything, her moronic parenting choices and practices (these kids would be SO confused if i wasn't around to give them pointers and clear up her endlessly vague and contradictory ramblings) , not being able to go anywhere with her for fear of her making a complete behind of herself and antagonizing everyone, and the yapping, and the nagging, and the grating, and the... well all the annoyances really.

BUT NOW... she screams... she screams morning till evening, and sometimes in her sleep. If my kids spill one drop of their drink she EXPLODES and goes on a screaming marathon for hours on end. If they drop a crumb, if they so much as look at her funny... she screams at them (and everyone else two for equally trivial trespasses).

This s**t is crazy, my ears beep half the time, I do not understand how she can keep screaming like she does day in day out without going completely hoarse?!

This woman would have a brilliant career in opera if she could keep a tone (and a job).

I'm not sure what set this off, possibly her meds have been changed or something, I'd have a talk with our GP, but the truth is I don't want to go there anymore (down that road i mean, not to the GP's office), whatever she's on is of no more concern to me, because of decided to disconnect from her personal issues and stop playing umbrella for her.

Basically I've stopped making excuses for her, stopped playing messenger for her, stopped being her personal secretary and therapist (i told her to go see one that is qualified, i'm not, and so I can't). I've also stopped paying for groceries... if she doesn't pick up the grocery tab => empty fridge! She hates that, because it's the only thing that when she bails on her responsibility, she has to face the consequences personally and immediately (i love it, it's perfect)... oh and don't worry, my kids aren't hungry or anything. The truth is she could not go even HALF an HOUR without some kind of snack or raiding the fridge, so it's always fully stocked (i think it's costing her a fortune frankly because it's so bloated with food I find myself filling entire garbage bags with stuff that is going bad on a weekly basis).

I've also stopped helping her get her life together. She used to nag about wanting a job, wanting some kind of career path to thread down, etc... I used to take this seriously as she seemed genuine, but pfffff....

This girl is a disaster. I could not fathom what kind of position i'd want to hire her for. I gave her some stuff to do for my business... out of sympathy really, because i thought it might help her, not because i wanted to "use" her as an employee to make money for me... cause frankly, she is literally USELESS. I only gave her stuff that wasn't important because i knew the risks involved, and she managed to screw most of it up completely. I had her send out a bunch of mails to clients about a change in my banking info... she sent out the wrong info... to HUNDREDS of people... HUNDREDS of letters. I'm still fixing that upsy to date... and that's just one example.. out of endless examples. Anyway, long story short, i just could not find anything for her to do that was impossible to screw up and still relevant enough for her to feel "important". Yeah i could ask her to do some laundry, but she wont, and i'll be nagged to death for months to come just for asking.

I tried to get her to prepare some normal family meals (i'm drowning in work right now, i just can't do everything i need to unless i stop sleeping completely... not an exaggeration here, these are the cold hard facts, and i was SICK SICK SICK of take away meals and other assorted JUNK on platters), so i first had to sell her on the idea by arguing it would mean there's always a hot meal just a freezer door away, that we'd eat healthier, that it would be better for the kids, that we'd eat at more regular hours etc etc. So i suggested we cook (WE not her, that would be unacceptable) a bunch of meals, big portions, and tupperware it all for the freezer. That way we could microwave home cooked meals most of the week... effortless eating!

So i started her off by cooking a crap-load of meals, froze it all and then slowly, but surely passed the torch to he... Less than 3 weeks later we are again eating junk off platters, and every once in a while she "finds the time" to make a decent meal... single serving ofc. If i ask her "you did all this single serving meal... why just make more and freeze it for another day?"... because... "takes too long".

So now i'm apparently becoming quite a good cook rushing my behind off sunday morning to pre a bunch of meals for the week to come, because by sunday afternoon kids are needing to go places with slides and jungle gyms... you know?

Anyway, long story short, i have stopped trying to "steer" her to anything and just let her loose on her merry way...

I don't know what she does or doesn't do, apparently she does manage to wash some of my clothes every now and again (which means i'll be digging through piles to find them all wrinkled up in a ball, but ok, it's one less thing to do i guess?), and she cooks a meal sometimes. I wish she DIDN'T do the latter though because often it will involve some kind of JUNK and I refuse to eat that now (i also wish the kids wouldn't, but yeah, they like it... naturally) which leads to arguments ( well me refusing to eat and making my own and her exploding into a hissy fit because nothing is every good enough etc etc).

So basically I am now sort of running my own household here, and she's kind of... i dunno... also around... She uses the washing machine sometimes to wash a few random tid bits. I might find a mop lying on the (dirty) floor sometimes. I've learned not to ask why because then she's peeved that i couldn't tell she cleaned ( well damn, sry, someone call the president!!).

You know, the biggest problem is not that she's unwilling necessarily (although her "will" is extremely limited), it's that she's so disorganized she might as well just not bother. I mean, how does it help if you wash some clothes and then throw them on the floor in a pile? I don't even know if it's dirty or clean, so i just wash it again and do it right (without her knowing cause then she'd be peeved again).

But like i said, this is kind of yesterdays gripe, cause right now she's gone to defcon 3 or something and her brain has been fried, especially the part that controls voice volume and temper.

On the upside, my son turned 6! We had a nice birthday party for him (which she ruined by starting a flame war with him, and then she ruined the second attempt as well by antagonizing his grand parents when they come over for cake) that means we're one year closer to liberation day! Only 12 short years to go AND there is still a chance she'll be committed to the insane asylum before then... so nothing but good news really.

Because you see it's not about how insanely my family life is right now... it's about maintaining CONTROL, and as long as i'm here, my kids have some kind of stability in their lives. They don't have to wonder "is this normal, should i behave like this, is this how people behave?!", because they have examples, role models. They have me, they have their grand parents (who would no doubt be banned or made to uphold strict and moronic regulations while holding my kids hostage as leverage if she were to get custody), so they have counter intel, they have options.

I'm not saying this situation is ideal, but at least they have some NOTION of "normal" is, without me, all that is gone, and they will have to figure everything out for themselves!

If she starts another flame war with the kids, i'll either be there, or be there that very same day to answer any questions they have about them, to reassure them that they're loved, and that they're good kids etc. What happens when they're not getting that anymore? When they're constantly submitted to the "i love you but i hate you" routine my wife puts them through?

I am the only chance these kids have, and as long as i don't abandon them (like through divorce for example) I will still be their father, and i'll still be able to care for them. If i split with the wife, that stops, the STATE takes over, and the state are MORONS. If i abandon my wife, i abandon my family, I abandon my kids, the state takes over and my kids go down the drain, plain and simple. No way, i'm not going to "start over" somewhere else with someone else, these are my kids, my responsibility, end of story.

And even though I'm going to be a parent forever, i'm not going to be a husband forever! 12 more years... that's the time i'm doing. By then my son will be 18, not nearly an adult yet, but old enough to understand what's going on and more importantly; old enough to be legally considered an adult so when i DO file for divorce, and i WILL, the state will have no say in the matter, he'll be his own man, make his own choices, whatever those may be.

And my daughter neither, granted she wont be legally an adult yet, but she'll be old enough to make up her own mind, and she will NOT decide i'm a POS dad for leaving her mother BECAUSE... we're buddies... I'm the one who wipes her butt after she uses the potty, i'm the one who puts on her night-time jammies, i'm the one who reads her bed-time stories, i'm the one who sits with her to watch f***ing barbie on TV, i'm the one who picks her up and comforts her when she's chaffed her knee or had a fight with her brother, and i'm the one whose neck she clings to start till finish when we go swimming.

And all i've done was just do what i felt was right or needed, and simply "been there" for my kids. There is no doubt in my mind that my kids are going to be in my life long after the wife has gone out of it... and if that IS the case in the end, then I'll have the peace of mind knowing that they made that choice for themselves!

How many people do you know who thrive and find happiness in marriage in their late 40's? Tons right? Well i'm going to be one of them! And I wont have to sacrifice my kid's future for it.

I'll be fine, so will my kids. The only one who is going off the rails right now is my wife... and let her! Screw it, screw her! The time I wished all the best for her and tried to help her somehow get closer to it is over and done with, i'm not pouring anymore energy into this, into her. Right now I'd just wish she could self destruct a little more quietly.

So that's that, signing off again for now.

This was really interesting to read. I admire your resilience and willingness to suffer for your kids. You have an amazing sense of humor! That's a gift.

I think watching one's own parents staying together without loving each other is one of the most painful things a child can witness. And I find it quite horrible that you state you never really loved her. It is devastating for every person to not feel loved, man or woman.

You're supposed to provide an example of a relationship, and by staying together with a woman you deem 'crazy' (find it very out of place to use that word, but you do not seem to really care, as well as talking about 'insame asylums'. I understand you want to present things the way a stand-up comedian would do and give the forum entertainment, but you're on PC; oh the irony in it all!) you do not show them the right thing at all.

Noone can deny that you're very strong to endure everything for your kids but it still isn't healthy. It will end up taking a toll on your health in the long run even though you pretend everything is fine, which I don't think it is or else you wouldn't be posting here!

I really hope you find a solution quickly and that not everything evolves into mutual bad-mouthing each parent in front of the kids as that seems to turn out very badly. You are their father and your wife is still their mother.

I'm glad you stay strong and I hope your wife will fix her issues. It is awful to have a manipulative partner but it is also awful to be suffering so much that you see being manipulative as a way to get what you want. The fact she still asks for a hug breaks my heart, as she seems to be very immature in everyday life and someone who can't handle responsibility.

Hope everything improves

Well thanks for your optimism but I don't see things improving at all. Our relationship is little more than a col war stand-off, just bearable as long as she not in the same room I am, and downright depressing when she is.

She is clearly not interested in a stand-off either, nor is she interested in any kind of mature relationship. So things will just keep getting worse until I fall back in line and fulfill my role as personal assistant, excuser, therapist, daddy, lover and allround punching bag for her.

I've already given her the proverbial "carte blanche" as far as our relationship is concerned, and specified that she is 100% free of any bond to me and to seek love and adoration elsewhere, and i wouldn't even demand the same liberty for myself, as that is just not my goal.

But she just wont move on...

No idea what else i can do, and I do need to do SOMETHING because this situation is no longer tenable. I thought she was bad before, but now she's just plain horrible, and not just to me but to the kids as well. If you thought it wasn't healthy before when we were simply detached, now it REALLY isn't. This morning I had a plate thrown at me, and my dodging it cause it to nearly hit my daughter in the head. This situation is spiraling out of control, but I'm just not sure what i can do that will not automatically result in shooting myself in the foot. If only i could figure out what she actually wants from me, I could find some way to appease her into just buggering off.

If only our genders were reversed, I'd have a court order and have her kicked out of my house by the end of the frickin DAY.

This is Sparta... ffs...

Thank goodness the kids have you to protect them and stick by them. From the sounds of it, you might be their SINGLE HOPE to develop into healthy adults. All my brothers and I had were people to be around us as visitors - grandparents, uncles... but we were stuck living in my mother's miserable presence and drama. Our father went off to have the peaceful life he wanted and created a new family and proudly started all over. Sad but true.

You've had many responses and I didn't read every one yet.

Have you considered seeing a therapist on your own? It could help to start learning more about how all this happened so your children have a better relationship with you and hopefully their mother. It will be healthiest for everyone if you and mom could get on the same page and function as a child-raising team as soon as possible.

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is be accountable for OUR PART in the situation. You married for better or worse, through sickness and health and yet you say you never loved her, yet you continued to have sex with her and made two children. You're no angel, sir. In your original post you treat your own mistakes as perfectly explainable and yet subtly minimize the psychological impact of losing her parent to terminal illness. It is EXTREMELY traumatizing to endure that loss and having to care for a newborn after that. You seemed more concerned with the secondary results of HER trauma and include those inconveniences in your reasons for hating her. Please consider your role in creating this.

Truly wishing the best for you all, especially the children.

Sincerely,
Lele

Well, I haven't read all this so I might be missing some, but I read a bunch. It sounded like part of the reason you don't want to separate is probably because your wife is actually doing a lot of the child care, even if she's not doing it well, and you really need someone to do that. Working two jobs, there's no way you can be attending to kids all the time. You said you were struggling to earn enough before you get sick again, so chances are you don't feel like you could handle paying a lot for child care, which is always a big expense, or cutting back your hours to do more child care yourself. Maybe you're not even comfortable doing some of the more intimate child care that men usually leave to women, I don't know. Maybe you've done some of it since your wife is so incompetent. I guess they'd be better off if you did the best you could with them on your own and use paid child care instead of leaving them with her while you're at work. (You'd have to figure out how to prove you should get custody, but other people already made suggestions about that.) I know doing the child care yourself means you can't work as much and probably have to lower your standard of living. My vote is that's still better for the kids... and you... once you make a break for it.

Well it doesn't matter... If i lose my kids my life is over. I could never sleep again knowing they have only her to rely on.

I don't see a custody battle going the way I want it to, and besides i'm not really sure I want to put my kids through all that. My kids show a clear preference for my company, but never the less they still also need their mother, and i wont take that away from them, even IF she's unstable and incapable of teaching them what they need to know to make it in this life.

As long as I keep things in check, do everything for her, give her only as much responsibility as is absolutely required, don't require, request or expect ANYTHING from her, and keep paying her way, she is for the most part "ok"... if by ok you can incorporate to mean constantly nagging, whining and moaning, then yeah she's "ok". It's only when you put any kind of pressure on her, when you expect any kind of responsibility, that things go haywire, and she starts freaking out in ways that scare the living crap out of me.

The problem usually is that we're not alone on the planet, and that other people can cause issues for her as well, other people who might not be as tolerant or forgiving. And these situations can topple her into full tantrum mode. This is an issue with any kind of employment she might consider, getting along with colleagues is all well and good until they actually disagree with her, or expect something from her. Not that i still expect her to find some kind of employment mind you, the thing is, she brings it up a lot, and seems to have a desire for it... even though i think it wont last long if she were to go through with it. I think it's a fairy tale she's looking for because what employer will tolerate their employee calling in sick at the drop of a hat, on a moments notice, or not even calling in at all and just showing up a few days later with some lame excuse? Unless she's going to apply for a job as an elf in Santa's toy factory, I don't think that will last very long.

But enough of all that.

My health issues have been flaring up lately, so I've taken a few steps back from work. Business is not going as well as I would like, and the company is not growing in the way I would expect it to, so i'm taking some time off to reevaluate, maybe go another route, close up shop and open up a new one, I don't know, need time to think and consider things.

In the meantime I'm spending more time at home, so I've more time for household chores, playing with my kids, sorting out the mountain of disorganized crap she's been piling up over the past months, AND the heavens will part soon i'm sure because she's made a new friend, AND she's taken her new friend on a vacation, just the two of them, unfortunately just for the weekend though...

But that does mean I have the house,and the kids ALL to myself for a whole weekend. Yihaaaw! Cleaning crew is coming on saturday (that took some negotiating but they were very reasonable about it) and me and the kids are going to the petting zoo while they clean this mess of house top to bottom. Sunday we're going to spend some time at home, watch some TV, fail at baking cakes and cooking yummy snacks, and after the kids have gone to bed i'm going to pull an all-nighter to sift through endless boxes of useless junk that have piled up in here so i can toss it all from the second floor straight down into the waste disposal container i'm having brought and hauled off on monday.

So by the time she comes back on monday evening, this place will be clean as a whistle and we'll all be nice and relaxed...

Ready for her to lay waste to the place again and get all our panties in a bunch. YAY!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here, we still have 2 days of bliss ahead first.

Highly amusing, but Christ I pity your kids. If you don't think they see this your living in a fantasy with your gal.

I think your content to moan, and stay put, if u had left in the first place, she would have dropped your son on your doorstep and,done one.in fact now I would give her a week before she volunteered them to your care.

But yeAh yeah,another guy who thinks with his little head instead of his big one.

Yeah your funny, but you made this mess yourself. Hope your kids aren't the ones who ultimately pay the price. Good luck.

P.s I as raised in a similar environment, hard working dad,crazy mom. Miserable relationship only stuck it for us kids. By the way do you know how shyt it feels to know that's why your parents were miserable and fighting your whole childhood.

I have been an addict since I was 14 (24 years) and my half brother is a registered sex offender.
Somethings u might want to think about.

I wrote the last paragraph of this post before I read all your posts. Your integrity regarding your children is honorable.

My experience is different though. My husband just filed for divorce after 41 years of marriage. My children are 32 and 28. Only now, post-divorce have they told me how much they feared and hated their father. Although he was a good provider, they say the emotional suffering and damage he caused has created many issues for them. I, possibly like you, thought that divorce when they were younger would have caused more damage. I wish I had been strong enough to leave when they were younger. My children are relieved that their father is out of their lives. They told me they never want to see or hear from him again. He was no role model at all; just a bad, damaging influence. My children told me they were also so sad seeing me abused all of their formative years. Only now are my children and I loving and healing together, which is a true, authentic love and intimacy.

Just in case: Action plan: read custody law in your state, start taping her emotional rants ( admissible in family court), make your case and get as far away from her as you can. Nothing about your scenario is healthy for kids. Your kids will thank you for aiding their (your) escape from this smoldering cauldron of dysfunction. I don't believe you are helping your kids by staying in this situation.

You can feel empowered by taking thoughtful, effective action. And there will be peace..

One last thing, you martyr yourself to your marriage.
You exclaim what a favour you did your wife by staying with her.

Did you really?
Here is a woman in severe distress, with obvious mental health issues and experiencing what sounds like quite intense trauma.
Yet you have been unable to help her.
Did you never think in all this timetable you weren't the one who was right for her?

You go on like she is happy being miserable.
Well how, from what you have described would she know anything else.
You never gave her the chance to discover if she could have been better off in other circumstances.
Oh and that overt sexual behaviour you described is very typical in victims of abuse.

I hope what time you have left together as a family goes smoothly. And genuinely hope you all have a better future.