[LittleForgetMeNot]

Helllo, I've been gone from this profile for 4 years. If you need some background, read my previous posts, but especially this and until my secondary account gets deleted this

I need help.

I'm a coward. Literally every hour that passes I change my mind from staying and leaving. Luckily for me the desire to leave is strong enough that I continue to make steps towards leaving (eg. I have a moderator intake appointment with a person who can write up my separation agreement on monday) but my fear of leaving is just as intense as my desire to leave.

I'm gonna do it. I was on the fence but finding this account and reading what I wrote when I was 17.. yeah. I'm 21 now, and I can't do this to myself anymore.

I have no real life support. My friends are friends with my partner, any attempt I've made to talk to them about these issues is LITERALLY ignored (it's as if I didn't even type it), my dad had been a witness to everything and doesn't give me any advice or talk about it so he's an enabler... I'm scared. I have two small children (3 yrs and nearly 2) and.. I'm scared to do this and make this step and face the unknown. I keep telling myself I'll never love anyone like him but I dont htink I love him currently so.. idk.

[Big Mama]

I hear you. I have 3 kids, and no job. I recently left my H. It was the hardest most scary thing I ever did. It took me 2 or 3 years to gain teh confidence to leave. It took my T and the people at this site to hep me. To hold me up when I couldn't do anything but fall. I left after 22 years of marriage. There was lots of mental and emotional abuse. I have lots of issues, but he does to.

After leaving the things I remember the most was hearing some one laugh and realizing it was me. I had not laughed in years. Though I forgot how. I learned to take care of myself and stop being a victim.

A year later I have gone back to my H. (like jsut two weeks ago) I have the support of my T, and my church. Many people are watching to make sure things are safe, and to make sure I do not slip back into old habits.

You can do it, you have to do it. In the long run it will be the best decision you ever made. Your children deserve to see how someone should be treated, and most importantly that they do not have to be in any relationship they are not comfortable with. They are worth so much more then that and you are to.

Feel free to read back threw any of my stats. If you need to talk to someone privately feel free to PM me.

[Rose76]

There are shelters for victims of domestic violence where you can even take your children. This can be a tricky situation. I would strongly urge you to connect with domestic violence counselors. Also, you will need legal advice on how to maximize and preserve your parental rights and limit his, if there are grounds for you needing to do that.

The first time I actually had help. In fact help was thrust upon me. The second time I did it all on my own. es, I vaccilated between doing it and not but the situation went to a whole new level which I couldn't ignore any longer....

I was able to secure full time with my employer.
I made arrangements with my bank so I could miss some payments.
I secretly looked for and found housing.
* I registered with a, organization that offers help/support and safety.
I used my EAP (Employee Assistance Plan - most larger employers have these) for counseling services.

I just up and left.

It did mean leaving everything behind. I left with only what I could fit in my car. I did not fear him threatening me during the departure; however, the women's organization offered to send out a volunteer (most of them are police officers and military men) to watch over me and the move.

Unfortunately I do miss things I left behind but I remind myself it was a small price for freedom.

Church? Talk to them about this. You may be able to get a temporary place to stay and possibly financial help until you can get on your feet. If you can, ready your finances. If possible try to save a few dollars. I was able to borrow first and last month's rent and security deposit. Contact women's organizations.

My only regret this second time around is that I didn't press this legally. My EAP at work put me in touch with a lawyer but he saw it as too difficult for the money. I should have sought another until I found one who would help me. At the time I didn't realise there was anything to fight over - how very wrong I was.

[fairydustgirl]

Also, make a plan if you have the time. make copies of every financial record you can find, tax returns etc, pay stubs if he has any. there are lawyers who will do a free initial consultation and give you some advice in how to proceed with a divorce, esp so you can get child and spousal support. those are important!
but if you need to get out right now, go to those places that were mentioned above and remember this...things can be replaced...you and your children cannot. I will note, the one thing my gf regrets is not getting her family pictures. everything else she left behind and had no regrets, and this after a 30 year marriage. stuff is just stuff. please be safe!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

So things are moving forward.. Everything is okay. I live with my father so I don't need to leave. Instead he left to stay with his mom, and brought the kids for a few days so I can clean up and get groceries and what not.. Uh. I feel a little paranoid and my dad feels a little paranoid about loosing the kids but I keep telling myself that isn't going to happen. He IS a good dad. Just not a good partner. So I'm trying to be calm.. My dad is going to watch the kids while I'm at work, so at least, finally I'm getting some support.

A problem currently that's freaking me out is he's on facebook telling me that it's hard to talk to his mom about why he's there because she's blaming me. For some reason she's thinking I'm hurting him and going to keep hurting him and I don't understand.. I'm freaking out. His mom was a domestic abuse surviver (his father) and I thought she'd understand.. It's really bugging me and I wanna cry and it isn't making me feel any safer about the kids now. If she blames me and he.. Ugh. I just wanted some time to clean up this pig pen and make it an actual home while I have some time off from work.. and I can't even do that without being scared.

Was that naive of me to let them go..? I feel so bad now..

you don't owe anyone an explanation.

[Quarter life]

It is my opinion that 'Love' is rarely enough....doesn't even come close.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

you don't owe anyone an explanation.

I needed that

[healingme4me]

Hope things work out for you. Are you in a support group for victims of domestic violence?

How long before he returns the kids from visitation? Will they enroll in preschool when the time comes from your address or his?

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Hope things work out for you. Are you in a support group for victims of domestic violence?

How long before he returns the kids from visitation? Will they enroll in preschool when the time comes from your address or his?

Things are working out. I'm not in a support group yet but I'm looking into my options. He returned the kids on Saturday and then came by to babysit on Monday. If things keep going as they are he's going to be taking them again Saturday night.

There's still about a year before I have to worry about school but most likely from mine as after only a week of living at his mom's he's now basically begging to come back. He says his mom gives him no privacy, judges his habit, and keeps telling him over and over that this is my fault.

I feel bad, I care enough that I don't want him to be unhappy and his mom continually blaming me isn't healthy, he's just gonna get twisted about it and possibly stop being reasonable with me but it hasn't been nearly enough time. I'm feeling guilty about having to say no next time we talk.

[Big Mama]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

I feel bad, I care enough that I don't want him to be unhappy and his mom continually blaming me isn't healthy, he's just gonna get twisted about it and possibly stop being reasonable with me but it hasn't been nearly enough time. I'm feeling guilty about having to say no next time we talk.

Oh girl you sound so much like me. I see so many red flags. "He is just gonna get twisted about it and stop being reasonable with me." That is not good. He needs to learn how to not get twisted about it and how to be more reasonable. If he can do those two things then you will really see what he is about.

You are right about it not being enough time. A little bit of time has help a little bit, a lot of time will help a lot.

Feeling guilty is a normal reaction. If you are any thing like I was when I left my H, I felt so guilty about everything I did. But for years I didn't value myself. If you don't value yourself, he is not going to value your needs either.

I didn't include it in the quote but you said his mom is on his case about his bad habits. What bad habits are those?

It sounds over all like things are going fairly well. It sounds like you know more time is needed and I agree. Have you guys considered marriage counseling. It has helped me and my H a lot. It helped some when were married and helped even more when we were separated. (it made it safe to talk about certain subjects and I didn't have to go back home to him) Now that we have reconciled and put our marriage back together ( I've been home 3 weeks now after being gone a year) we are still in marriage T. It is still helping. Just putting that out there.

Best of luck to you. Be careful and remember You And Your Kids Are Worth It.

[Rose76]

There is no way he is going to be happy, unless you do what he wants. And there is no way his mother is going to be happy, unless you do what he wants. So you better do what he wants and let him back in. If that means your kids grow up in an environment of abuse, too bad! You and those kids are not important. What's important is him being happy.

After all, you do want him to be "reasonable." If you would let him come back and, then, if you would just act right, he would be absolutely fine. He's explained to you, I'm sure, that you are the one who causes problems by stressing him out . . . just like you're doing now. His mother can see that very clearly. So make up your mind that you are going to fly right and stop giving him all the grief you have been giving him. Show him that you care. That's all he needs.

If you want him to stay as the reasonable, untwisted man that he trys so hard to be, then let him come home where he belongs.

FogetMe, do you hear the crap you're telling yourself?

[Big Mama]

Rose that is one of the worst ways to get your point across, but I do see what you are trying to do. And you are so right. Things can turn out two different ways.

The way listed above or letting him have time to grow and you time to grow. Separate from one another and let some real changes take place. Do the hard work now and grow stronger. Check back with your thought about him in 6 months and see how you feel.
(maybe even a year)

[Nammu]

Abuse goes in a cycle. After the fight there's a honeymoon period where he will apologize, promise it won't happen again...then a walking on eggshells period leading up to another act of aggression. From what you wrote his abuse is escalating.

Do look into a domestic abuse program where you live. They usually provide free counseling and help plan for separation. The two most dangerous times in the cycle are pregnancy and separation. Sometimes they have referral programs where they can hook the abusive spouse with an anger management program. Stay strong and tell him that coming back is not an option unless he first goes to a anger management program or to counseling for a minimum of a couple months before you will even think about a trial of living together again.

My experience with this is that the moment we were married he felt free to escalatiinto physical abuse. I was too embarrassed to admit what was happening. So about 2 years after we were married I ended up in the emergency room having 15 stitches in my face. They wanted the police to go arrest him but he was home with our daughter and I was too scared he might hurt her if the police showed up. They referred me to a counselor who after a short period of time offered me a choice of hospitalization or a shelter. That saved my life and my daughter was young enough to recover from the trauma. She learned that it is not right to let anyone treat you that way. She's in her 30's now and in a good loving supportive relationship. Teaching your children now that no one deserves to be treated that way is a great service for them.

A better life is possible. Do change the dynamics now before it escalates further. If he truly wants to excape his mother let him commit to change first. Counseling can help him see what he needs to change. It's not you. Stay strong.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

Things are working out. I'm not in a support group yet but I'm looking into my options. He returned the kids on Saturday and then came by to babysit on Monday. If things keep going as they are he's going to be taking them again Saturday night.

There's still about a year before I have to worry about school but most likely from mine as after only a week of living at his mom's he's now basically begging to come back. He says his mom gives him no privacy, judges his habit, and keeps telling him over and over that this is my fault.

I feel bad, I care enough that I don't want him to be unhappy and his mom continually blaming me isn't healthy, he's just gonna get twisted about it and possibly stop being reasonable with me but it hasn't been nearly enough time. I'm feeling guilty about having to say no next time we talk.

I'm glad to hear the kids have already moved from one residence to the next, meaning his first move shows good faith as coparenting is concerned. That was a concern buried deep down, most likely or er most definitely from my own childhood.

Even if support groups aren't an option, individual counseling for both can help. It can be a tool of support to grow whether together or seperate or somewhere inbetween and reach a level to just be better role models to your kids.

Sometimes being willing to walk away is the best thing you can do for yourself. It helps release a mental block.

Having all the answers needn't be right now. Just know you have the right to a home that is safe from any abuse.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Rose76

There is no way he is going to be happy, unless you do what he wants. And there is no way his mother is going to be happy, unless you do what he wants. So you better do what he wants and let him back in. If that means your kids grow up in an environment of abuse, too bad! You and those kids are not important. What's important is him being happy.

After all, you do want him to be "reasonable." If you would let him come back and, then, if you would just act right, he would be absolutely fine. He's explained to you, I'm sure, that you are the one who causes problems by stressing him out . . . just like you're doing now. His mother can see that very clearly. So make up your mind that you are going to fly right and stop giving him all the grief you have been giving him. Show him that you care. That's all he needs.

If you want him to stay as the reasonable, untwisted man that he trys so hard to be, then let him come home where he belongs.

FogetMe, do you hear the crap you're telling yourself?

I'm sorry but I never said I was going to do as he says. I'm just telling my feelings about it. Not to mention the fact that he doesn't blame me for his actions. He knows he's at fault, and that his anger issues come from his dad being an abusive husband and father as we'll. The only one blaming me is his mom because I slept with another person before he moved out and she considers it cheating. In her mind I'm a big cheater and she doesn't want him to be with me because I'LL hurt HIM. 😒 He's just trying to own up to it and his mom is being like that so.

[therapyishelping777]

This is super scary to leave... it takes the right time and way.. You are worth so much more then being in an abusive relationship!! I know we don't feel like it, because it is pounded in that we don't relly matter, what we think or feel. but the very notion you are considering this and thinking about it and reaching out here is a huge step.. I started with a domestic abuse support group, then went to my pastor who thankfully actually helped,, the pastors previous only made it worse.. then a therapist ... after all that .. it took him to abuse my daughter then I drew the line and never went back... I really pray that you get strenghtened and know how special and valuable you are and your kiddos !!!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Check back with your thought about him in 6 months and see what how you feel.
(maybe even a year)

6 months to a year sounds good to me

[healingme4me]

I like your perspective on giving things time. Many times people are locked into living arrangements through leases or mortgages and separating from abusers becomes complicated to say the least.

Maybe look into child support? Go down to your local probate office, usually there are DOR forms right there. It's a financial responsibility not to be dismissed nor shrugged off. It also takes away the dependency of your needing to ask him directly. It's time consuming. Takes both parents making time and financial contributions, since kids aren't cheap to raise.

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

Things are working out. I'm not in a support group yet but I'm looking into my options. He returned the kids on Saturday and then came by to babysit on Monday. If things keep going as they are he's going to be taking them again Saturday night.

There's still about a year before I have to worry about school but most likely from mine as after only a week of living at his mom's he's now basically begging to come back. He says his mom gives him no privacy, judges his habit, and keeps telling him over and over that this is my fault.

I feel bad, I care enough that I don't want him to be unhappy and his mom continually blaming me isn't healthy, he's just gonna get twisted about it and possibly stop being reasonable with me but it hasn't been nearly enough time. I'm feeling guilty about having to say no next time we talk.

I'm just wondering if his mom thinks "you are to blame" because he's telling her lies about you. Would that be possible or realistic? By the way, you are not to blame. He is.

Good for you for going forward with this. I understand the fear of losing somebody, even if they are not good for you. Your future self will thank you though. I also understand feeling guilty, but I want to tell you, you did nothing wrong. Distance yourself from this guy. I think a lot of people here have given some good advice and I agree with them. we are here for you. Please keep posting.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I like your perspective on giving things time. Many times people are locked into living arrangements through leases or mortgages and separating from abusers becomes complicated to say the least.

Maybe look into child support? Go down to your local probate office, usually there are DOR forms right there. It's a financial responsibility not to be dismissed nor shrugged off. It also takes away the dependency of your needing to ask him directly. It's time consuming. Takes both parents making time and financial contributions, since kids aren't cheap to raise.

Yeah, it has been complicated though. It's taken me 5 and a half months for anyone to take me seriously, but now everyone finally is and it's working out easier than I thought. There's still bumps in the road - paying my dad 40% of my pay-per-hour to watch the kids hurts - but I guess we gotta do what we have to do.

Child support payments won't do as he doesn't make any money.

Originally Posted by starrysky

I'm just wondering if his mom thinks "you are to blame" because he's telling her lies about you. Would that be possible or realistic? By the way, you are not to blame. He is.

Nah, there's no lies. The things she's upset about happened, but her making it like it's cheating is wrong. We weren't together technically, and yeah maybe it seemed like we were because we were kinda acting happy again and flirting with the fantasy of a cute little wedding and ****... but I was still severely depressed about **** that happened and nothing felt the same. So when my guy friend kinda talked me into having sex with him in some weird way that now looking back seems really bad and I should probably stay away from this guy... uh.. idk. i was saying i didn't want to cause i felt guilty, like i would be doing somehting wrong, and he said that because i was single, because my ex and i weren't technically together even though we were living and sleeping in the same bed still, it was okay. anddd typing it all out now I realize i'm really naive and it's annoying to myself even..

i dont really want anymore sarcastic comments as well by the way. I have zero close friends in real life. I have absolutely no one to talk to who isn't trying to either get in my pants or get money from me and it's really scary not knowing when or if you're being manipulated and by who. i have an anxiety disorder and depression but im a single ****ing 21 year old mom who's working overtime through all this **** so i dont really need the extra judgement when i'm trying to figure out what exactly type of hell im living right now.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

Yeah, it has been complicated though. It's taken me 5 and a half months for anyone to take me seriously, but now everyone finally is and it's working out easier than I thought. There's still bumps in the road - paying my dad 40% of my pay-per-hour to watch the kids hurts - but I guess we gotta do what we have to do.

Child support payments won't do as he doesn't make any money.


Nah, there's no lies. The things she's upset about happened, but her making it like it's cheating is wrong. We weren't together technically, and yeah maybe it seemed like we were because we were kinda acting happy again and flirting with the fantasy of a cute little wedding and ****... but I was still severely depressed about **** that happened and nothing felt the same. So when my guy friend kinda talked me into having sex with him in some weird way that now looking back seems really bad and I should probably stay away from this guy... uh.. idk. i was saying i didn't want to cause i felt guilty, like i would be doing somehting wrong, and he said that because i was single, because my ex and i weren't technically together even though we were living and sleeping in the same bed still, it was okay. anddd typing it all out now I realize i'm really naive and it's annoying to myself even..

i dont really want anymore sarcastic comments as well by the way. I have zero close friends in real life. I have absolutely no one to talk to who isn't trying to either get in my pants or get money from me and it's really scary not knowing when or if you're being manipulated and by who. i have an anxiety disorder and depression but im a single ****ing 21 year old mom who's working overtime through all this **** so i dont really need the extra judgement when i'm trying to figure out what exactly type of hell im living right now.

I hear you about having the responsibility and no to little support. Wasn't exactly what drove me into my marriage with my exh, but yet seems to be a large part of what the feeling is in raising the kids and all the major life changes that went on over the past many years. So I certainly can understand and appreciate what you're going through.
Reaching out even if just through a site like this can at least make this life seem a lot less isolated by knowing there are others in similar positions.

It's not easy, but years down the road, looking back, knowing where you've been, you know you've survived.

[Big Mama]

You are doing the right thing. Taking care of your self and your kids. You are showing your kids not to let any one bully them. They are young but this will be valuable lesson further down the road.

I am glad some of your acquaintances are starting to believe you. I was the same way. No one believed me and my H convinced me that people would believe him over me. So I stopped telling people, then I lived in my own personal hell. So in short, you are doing the right thing.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I hear you about having the responsibility and no to little support. Wasn't exactly what drove me into my marriage with my exh, but yet seems to be a large part of what the feeling is in raising the kids and all the major life changes that went on over the past many years. So I certainly can understand and appreciate what you're going through.
Reaching out even if just through a site like this can at least make this life seem a lot less isolated by knowing there are others in similar positions.

It's not easy, but years down the road, looking back, knowing where you've been, you know you've survived.

yeah I got into a relationship with him when we were 16 because he made me happy and I wanted to help him. He was going through abuse at home and I thought that I understood and my dad was a child abuse survivor himself so I thought it'd be good because it was safe and an understanding environment but idk. That's an idealistic 16 year old for you. Then I thought good faith would change him, then we had kids and I hopped if not me at least his love for them.. then it became too hard to leave so.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

You are doing the right thing. Taking care of your self and your kids. You are showing your kids not to let any one bully them. They are young but this will be valuable lesson further down the road.

I am glad some of your acquaintances are starting to believe you. I was the same way. No one believed me and my H convinced me that people would believe him over me. So I stopped telling people, then I lived in my own personal hell. So in short, you are doing the right thing.

I tried talking about it to my friend before and she blatantly ignored it. She was talking to me about some violence her boyfriend was doing as well and immediately I was like "oh ****, this isn't good, trust me i've been and am in this situation, let's talk" and she clammed up, told me her bf would be mad if she said anything else and just pretended like I didn't just say anything

Then every time we'd all hang out she'd tell me how nice my ex was, how at least he actually cared about the stuff i'd show him and would hold doors and carry things for me so I realized that being close with her in that way was a lost cause, she was too early in her mess and therefore unreachable.

and my dad being the childhood abuse surivivor, thought he'd help but that didn't happen. On the one side he'd be like "your fighting is triggering my PTSD" but then he'd say I should stay. So it didn't make sense.