adult child of narcissistic father

My father (75 years old) has NPD. That became very obvious after my mother died a few years ago. Without her around as a buffer, his selfish manipulative behavior was much more obvious, and painful. Many things happened over the last few years, including my father's remarriage 8 months after my mom's death. My 2 siblings and I were very supportive of him after our mom's death, but we were grieving the loss of our mom which my father couldn't quite handle. He needed us all to be focused only on him, and be elated with the fact that he was remarrying. He managed to rally many friends and family members to his side, convincing them that my brother, sister and I (and our kids) were selfish, ungrateful children who didn't want him to be happy. Not true. Extrememly hurtful that people who should have known better believe him. My brother and I decided that it was best for us and our families to discontinue any contact with him. I've made sure to send him cards on his birthday and holidays, and have honored him as much as I can from a distance. My younger sister decided that it was worth whatever she and her family had to deal with in order to have a father in her life and grandfather for her two boys. (My father refused to attend her wedding back in 2001 because we are caucasion and she married a Nigerian.) I've tried to stay connected with her but, because she's living in his NPD world I've noticed a big change in her, and it's obvious that she has a hard time having a relationship with me and my family now. She occasionally tries to make me see how screwed up I am because I'm not diving back into my father's NPD world, but I know what's healthyest for me and my family, so I've ended up having to distance myself, to a point, with my sister too. I guess I'd better stop here. I could go on forever...I'm hoping to connect with other adult children of narcissistic fathers who understand.

we have a very similar situation here with my wifes sister.
the thing you have to remember is that your sister because she was raised by a narcissist may have never differentiated properly. She may have been forced to accept an alien false sense of self put forward by the narcissist as a projection of some aspect of himself. Since she finds it hard to live with the alien self she will project it back onto him and most likely try to controll him a bit so she can feel whole. She also has most likely thought about how in the world she can cope after he is gone and no one is there to take the projection and it scares her. I know it sounds SOOO crazy -- because IT IS CRAZY. But anyway when you criticize him she most likely feels you criticize her and if she has NPD she feels narcissistic injury. You didn't say what your mother was like as a caregiver but children often look to the father as some kind of an ideal to emulate. If you don't do allot of hard work as a child of a narcissist you end up with a really screwed up sense of right and wrong. often being "good" means putting up with the narcissists crap no matter what the costs.
being "bad" means being a strong happy independent individual who makes their own decisions.

also no doubt she is being played by the narcissist in some way most likely he is trying to emotionally blackmail you "i'm old and am going to die" "how could you do this to me after all i've done for you" etc etc you know the drill. he most likely sees her as a way to deliver the hurtfull message and since she still has the manipulation buttons -- bingo.

unfortunately so many children of narcissists end up narcissists themselves or even borderline. it's a sad state and you have my empathy that's for sure

Thank you for your comments Gary185. You're spot on with how my father manipulates my sister, and how/why she reacts the way she does. It's nice to hear from people who 'get' the whole narcissistic thing. Thankfully, I've had support breaking free of the control and manipulation of my father. However, as you said, because I'm "a strong happy independent individual who makes their own decisions" I'm considered a very ungrateful, selfish person.

My mother had pretty low self-esteem and complemented my father perfectly. She made sure we all treated my father like a king who was always right. She was extremely manipulative too, and knew how to get things that she wanted by the way she handled my father. Both parents made sure I knew that I'd only receive acceptance and love if I always agreed with them and did things that made them happy. I never felt unloved growing up, but as I got older I realized how extremely dysfunctional my family was. Both parents were very selfish and as I said, complemented each other perfectly. It's been hard work 'undoing' everything I was conditioned to believe about myself.

Thank you again for your comments. There's so much wisdom in what you shared.

When I read your email it sounds so familiar as I reflect on my own family relationships. I'm paroting Gary's response a bit. My father has NPD which he carried forward from his dysfunctional parents; influencing his choices on how to react and respond to others. I can share with you that I often say to myself that patterns in families repeat. My older brother and younger sister both have NPD like my father. One thing I can tell you about NPD and their disordered character is that they all feel entitle because of their anger, a belief that they are always being victimized and cheated in life by everyone around them. They often attempt to make others around them feel guilty as a means of manipulation and getting what they want. They all lie too. I've stopped askin any questions because they have no integrity left anymore. More recently at 50 years old, they have become so toxic that I have chosen to distance myself much like you have; only sending a monthly email to my mother, b-day cards, mom/dad day cards. I will text my sister but usually can only communicate about senseless things in life. I do not arrange for face to face visits or phone conversations. Its unfortunate that NPD has destroyed my family unit.

NPD almost killed me.Now Im alone.My Mom is one and I beleive she has influenced my sisters too.Its sad.but anything is better than being under NPS Moms influence.I feel a great sense of freedom.She was NPD and abusive.............

I feel for you. Dealing with the same thing. Father constantly raged at us. Mom was shredded, no self esteem. I felt same for years. Brothers even treated me this way and I felt I deserved it. The pain is great. But getting so much better. NPD father is alive. He's pretty alienated now. I feel guilt about that and frustration. Learning to limit interaction with him. He managed to turn my brother (possible narcissist/borderline) and sister-in-in-law against me and my mom. There's definitely the air of "you women are crazy". That never happened. Although we all have spoken about it and he was sick enough to photograph my mom's bruised cheek and eye. I fear for my sister-in-law. She's not familiar with this kind of manipulative person. She's blind to it in my brother. The heartbreak is great. However, i am slowly moving on. And, thankfully, my mom LEFT!!! hurrah! She's slowly coming out the fog (44 yrs of marriage, yes.). 44 years she endured (let it continue), but she got out and life is hopeful for her. Many friends have turned away in denial. They reach out more to him, feeling pity for him. it's frustrating. It feels like we're out here in another galaxy at times. People lump my (daughter) in with her, blame me or just plain treat me the same way. Not sure why. There is so little understanding of what people go through. Anyway, this is a very long way of saying that i understand. I understand what you are going through and there are no easy answers, as far as I can see. I feel I have lost at least 1 brother and may lose another as they listen more and more to dad or just detach completely.
Now my father (76) will shortly marry a much younger woman (30) from a far-way village. She is simple and sweet. He is manipulative and it is not entirely clear that she knows what she has in store for her. He will bring her 3 yr old son to the US, I think. God I hope so. I would hate to think he would try to separate them. There must be laws?!!
I am horrified that this boy will endure the life I did. For fewer years, it would seem, but still...I can do nothing to control others. Any thoughts? The only thing I see is that if there are signs of abuse, I have to speak up for the boy. Knowing what I know, I couldn't turn a blind eye to it. At the same time, I've worked on getting my whole life going and am just sick of dealing with the selfish rages and awful criticism he dishes out. i have to keep a distance,yet feel that the poor kid will grow up miserable and continue the cycle or just dive into alcohol/other drugs, who knows. Just venting feels good. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd be interested to hear.

I relate to your dilemma. I have a cousin whose father is an undiagnosed narcissist. He's nearly 30 years old now...abuses alcohol/drugs...been in trouble w/the law...has difficulty maintaining a employment. His so called "friends" are "tools" . His mother is an enabler and although she tries to set boundaries, whenever something "major" happens, she's right there to bail him out. Yet, I care for him ....but from a distance.

In your situation, this little one you're concerned about is only THREE years old. Perhaps you can interact w/him on some level and be a part of his life. I only wish I was around when my cousin was younger. Patterns are hard to break at 30.

I just joined this site and saw your message. Don't know if you will get this from me or not but I have much the exact same situation with my family. I had to move really far away from my mother who thinks the world revolves around her needs/wants and her manipulativeness/controlling ways--she thinks she can still run my life even though I've been all grown up now for quite a while. She's going to be 70 this year. My sister and her family don't see anything wrong and I've had to distance myself away from her as well. I've had to learn to set my own boundaries which has been very difficult. My sister is not responding to my communications of needing an honest/respectful relationship instead of the manipulative/controlling ways she has of expecting me to help her in her life all the time. I have had to orphan myself to free myself. It sounds like you have had to do this too? It's so difficult and I don't know if anyone at all, even you, has had to figure out how to start over? If you have advice, let me know. I hope you are doing better, but I do understand.

Hi there. I get the whole narcisstic thing having been married to one for the last 20+ years. Highly manipulative and clever ++. The backlash onto other family members can be extreme and different individuals will react differently. My children are obviously children of a narcisstic father but they are too young (18 and 13) at this stage to be able to offer comment. I dread to think what they will be like in their 30's. Disontinuing contact is probably the only way to deal effectively with a narcissist. They are masters at what they do and even if it is just a simple comment it will have a resounding impact on the other end. They are never wrong, have no empathy, will erode your trust but at the same time portray that they are "perfect" to outsiders. They are never wrong, envious and contemptous of other people and think that they are more important and better than anyone else. That's why you can never win. All the best and keep your distance - it's the only thing that will help you - he won't care.

i know you posted this almost a year ago--but i just had to respond. my mother-76-has that! when my nephew died 5 1/2 years ago, she was totally unsympathetic towards my sister and got very angry at everyone for trying to help my sister get through and not paying enuff attention to HER (my mom)! People WERE paying attention to my mom and trying to help her out, too, but she didnt want my sister getting any of the attention. It was awful.

Hi There,
I have lived with this all my life.
First with both parents,then 2brothers and
1sister,then with 2 wives,and now I do not
see 4 kids from 1st wife,or 1 son from 2nd.
wife. That last boy,was the most sensitive,
loving kid you could ever meet,now,the
creature who inhabits his body is a lying,
devious,greedy,cold,self-absorbed,unloving B--TARD!
The other 4,and I do not say this lightly,
HAVE BECOME THEIR MOTHER! Needless
to say,BOTH WIVES made me jack-the-ripper, and themselves angels. This disease has ruined my whole life,and I do
not CALL it a disease now ------I call it
INSANITY!
I have not been able to discuss
it with anyone as yet,so to read all your
comments was comforting. Jesus,the PAIN
is AWFUL!
Kindest Regards,
BLUEDOVE

I am very familiar and it is horrible...my brother and sister are nightmares in their own right. Interestingly, my father is the total enabler and buries his head in the sand but he knows what he is doing. He would rather cut me out than have to deal with my mother. He is really close to my sister who is a mini version of my mother .... which thinking about it is pretty creepy

i send birthday notes and a knowledge their anniversaries (if I didnt fully celebrate the birth of their perfect selves or the union between two "perfect people" it would be considered outrageous to them. I guess I am still suffering to an extent...under the spell?). But I instituted a zero contact rule.

Being around them nearly killed me. I still have to see my brother...which literally makes me quite sick. I hope that will ease up once he retires (in two years).

Thank you for this comment, especially about the "simple comment" portion. My grandmother is the same way and no one else in the family will do anything to stand up to her. At best, they avoid her, but most of the time they let her control everything even though they hate it. This, despite the fact that there is an endless supply of such comments from her, tearing everyone down, letting them know how imperfect and unimportant they are, no matter what their achievements. I think most people in these situations would agree how suffocating that can be. It's great to see others airing their feelings on NPD.

hi. I have read the posts here. And I can relate. Decades ago a therapist told me that my mother had NPD. I didnt believe or disbelieve her. I tend to not take therapists dx seriously. Sometimes they are right on. Other times, not so much.

But other people have said over the years that she is a narcissist. Tonight a friend said it to me. So I guess they all are right. The sad thing for me is that I believe all of the things she has said about me. She is abusive and has NPD. Last night I called her. She could not talk because she was on the phone. She called back an hour later to tell me that she could not talk. I was in the middle of trying to figure out something very serious. She got very upset. i told her that while this seems like it is happening to her it really is happening to me. She freaked out and would not talk to me.

Everything is about her. She is having a huge birthday. And she is a very fancy person. She was very concerned about what I am going to wear. Because this reflects on her. She told me she would dress me from her closet of designer clothing she has. I knew not to argue. Because in the end of course she would win anyway. I told her okay. She started discussing all of the clothing. I told her to please choose the clothing but do not discuss it with me. While she will get to dress me, she will figure out many ways that I am ruining things for her. Or sabotaging things for her.

I am so sick and tired of her making me feel like everything I do is my fault. And that she is the absolute center of the universe who can do no wrong. She is adored and admired by huge numbers of people. And yet she is so cruel to me and also to my brothers. Everything is about her. And nothing is good enough. I am worn out from her convincing me that I am bad and the cause of her problems. I do think she really has NPD. Enough people have called her narcissistic. If anything happens with me, it ends up being all about her somehow. Even when I was young I knew : never tell mother anything good. Because she turns it into something bad. And never tell mother a problem. Because then she turns it into her problem. And then I have to deal with my problem and her problem with it. 5 years ago when she had another big birthday party I tried to warn her that I had gained some weight. Her answer was this " well you had enough advance notice" So there was no excuses for not looking perfect for her party. I had plenty of notice that the party was going to happen. The weight should have been lost in preperation. sorry if I am going on and on. I am not happy with her right now. I feel like I am worthless yet again. Because I caused harm to her by letting her know that there is a problem with my life. This is a very terrible thing to do to her. And she got very upset about it and then called around looking for help. I called no one. And it was my problem. anyway, this is my mother. Well, the less destructive aspects of her. i would not even write the nost destructive things she does and says. Sorry this is so long. Just needed to write it. Thanks

I can relate to all you are saying. But, it's not MY father, it's my exhusband.....MY DAUGHTERS father.

I could sure use some advice with this. If anyone is willing to chat and hear my story then give your two cents....please let me know!!

I value all help!

Have a nice day!
Love,
l

The same sister who had lost her son some years back, had been battling cancer on and off for years. She has also struggled with her weight off and on (like me). A few years ago, she was a little overwieght, and she had dropped some of the weight due to chemo. Well, my mom was SO proud of her and happy about my sis losing the weight, that she didn't give a flip about the cancer and how she lost the weight. After sis lost the weight, mom was happy becasue the weight loss mad mom "look good." grrrr!

One time, when my sis first found out she had breast cancer, she came from where ever she was, and found a message on her answering machine: it was my mom saying sarcastically, "Oh, I hear you have an owie on your boobie." Then a chuckle, then my mom started carrying on about all these wonderful TV movies she spent the whole day watching!

I can relate to having a narcissistic father during my growing up years, but I left the family to get away from all that when I was an young adult. so didn't have anything to do with him for about 15 years. He passed away without connecting again.

add on:

I wanted to say more ealier but didn't have time.
It is incredibly difficult to live with someone who has NPD especially when they enjoy causing physical/emotional pain, then turn around and accuse you of asking for it, that you liked it. Tell you, you shouldn't get mad/cry or they'll give you something to be mad about or cry about. you can not reason with a person who is like this and it is pointless to try - hence their belief that they are always right. I spent years trying to convince my dad this was not the way to be all to no avail. he would nod and smile and hurt me again.

My dad was NPD. He said he hurt us because he loved us. That he had the right to hurt anyone in his own house. he'd pull us in and then watch us squirm and feel awkward. And he enjoyed it. was the time of his life to tickle me to oblivion, till I'd pass out. It was incredibly painful sometimes for days. My oldest brother was equally cruel. My other brothers I think have less NPD but I think it is more a confused personality or something - I think they're not sure what is the right way to be, sometimes they act tough and cold and other times they are compassionate and caring. maybe a kind of split between NPD and whatever normal is? There was a lot of abuse growing up - all kinds - and the further away from them I am, the better my life is. I too have wondered sometimes if I was NPD but then realizing the pain, thinking I'm not. But was certainly confused about how to be. I'm thankful for the people around me who are good examples of gentle caring people.

I realize that I can't convince someone like that that they're wrong or need to change, but I refuse to live with them, that is a heartache I can live without.

I think my mom has NPD traits and maybe bipolar. I had a bad childhood and I got BPD and bipolar II. I don't want to talk about her right now because I would feel very guilty, but I'd really appreciate it if someone has experiences with a high functioning NPD (probably not very serious, but it has damaged me a lot) parent and could help me understand this or just talk about it.

I posted a thread in a forum here about it but I don't feel like I managed to point out how serious it was for me or how exactly she acts like an NPD. I also don't want to continue that thread because I feel guilty.

Out of all my family, I see narcissism in one grandfather and my dad the most but my therapist hascompletely singled out my mother (daughter of said grandfather) as "THE" narcissist. I'd never thought of my mom this way and I can't see her in the typical npd checklist, although reading iy sounds like my dad spot on. My husband totally sees it and can readily list one attribute after an other. She not the norm. Is there info on non-typical narcissists?

I have come to realise that my father is a narcissist. He sexually abused me when I was 12 years old and thought nothing of it. We would do things of a sexual nature out of sight of my mother which scared me witless. I never knew what I was going to see him do next. He tried to get hold of me make me participate in some sexual fantasy of his but I was so scared, I ran crying from the house and stayed outside until my mother came back from the shops. Not once did he come out and apologise or try to make amends for his behaviour. When mum saw the state I was in, she tore strips off my father, but he just kept denying what he had done. He didn't care one bit that I was crying, terrified and emotionally shattered, sitting on the step at the back door, listening to mum trying to make him tell the truth. I can't remember the outcome now but from that point on, mum made it her life's work to protect me from him. Back in the 1960's you didn't talk about things like that and there were no support groups or place to go to get help. You just go on with things and didn't talk about it.
Mum died in 2002 and he has been in a nursing home since about 2009. Has always been a very selfish and self-centred man. It's always been about him. He told me recently that I did a terrible job of looking after him in the nursing home and has now revoked my Power of Attorney and Guardianship documents that I held for 13 years. The last time I saw him, he literally spat at me as he told me to get out of his life and that I didn't have any respect for him. Considering the circumstances I think he was lucky I even bothered to have anything to do with him. He has been physically abusive to both me and my late mother in the past as well. His temper would just flare past boiling point without warning and he would lash out. If he couldn't get his own way we were in for a terrible time. It has taken me 46 years to work through the sexual abuse but while I can just about forgive him, I can never forget.

my father is a borderline Narc.. maybe a full-on one..

I am looking for ways to heal and rebuild my confidence as a human being.
he crushed everything in me that was a personality.

i feel like a hollow shell most of the time.

I am so glad I looked on this forum and read your thread. I thought it was me all my life disliking my father for the way he treats me. I feel so guilty feeling like that about my Dad, but he has hurt me so much with his cruel and domineering ways. I have tried everything to do the right thing. My Mum passed away 9 years ago, I think she just gave up trying and doing what she was told by him. The family has fallen apart since then. He has done nothing to keep us all together. My siblings have all turned against me because they do everything he says and they are dependent on him financially. They can't see it but he is controlling them. I have really helped and worked hard for my Dad all my life. Until one day after I got married and saw how my husband's family were and how loving and normal they are with each other. I decided the only way to escape from my Dad's controlling and hurtful ways was to get on with my own life and care for my husband and daughter, who have tried to help me feel better about my Dad. I have lots of supportive friends who also try and make me feel better about myself. I told one of my friends what he was like one day when I went to visit him, (i.e my Dad says some really hurtful things to me when I am on my own with him but never when anyone else is around, when other people are around he is really lovely to me and therefore no one believes how cruel he can be with his words). My friend said it was a type of abuse. It was like a bolt out of the blue, she was right!! From that day on and particularly this day is my final realization that I should not feel bad or guilty at getting on with my own life and keeping contact to a minimum to protect myself. It is up to my siblings to see for themselves what he is doing to them. I have tried to me loving and normal to them, but they think I am wrong for distancing myself from Dad. I must protect my own sanity and my lovely family and new life I have. Although I am in my 50's I feel like a new person with the grey cloud lifted. It is such a comfort to know I have not been the only adult child suffering from the effects of having a narcissistic father. I didn't even know it was termed as a mental health condition. Really hope you have a wonderful life with your family like me!

My father is a narcissist. I am on here because it is starting to surface how badly he betrayed, manipulated and rejected me. A painful memory is from a time we went to the mall. I was a chubby, scruffy teenager with no self-esteem, no self-worth. I bought a chocolate bar and was eating it when I saw him, he saw me and turned around in disgust and walked the other way. I was not good enough. So, no love, no pats on the back, just turned away disgust.

I am married to a narcissist and have two children. Unfortunately I only had my awakening to what he really is 12 months ago. Life with an N is a soul destroying experience. The damage which they inflict on to their children is deep, hurtful and yet in my case very insidious. Although he has been a wonderful provider and ensured that we have all had what we need (eg home, food, schooling, etc) there is a complete and total lack of love, empathy, emotional connection, etc, together with verbal abuse and controlling and manipulative behavior. My daughter is now 19 and seems to have ridden the storm quite well. She was however his golden child and was subsequently spoilt rotten and could never do any wrong. Regardless of this she still has no relationship with him and avoids him whenever she can. I believe that in time that the full impact of his neglectful and destructive ways will hit home. My son on the other hand is 14 and suffering terribly. He has developed a detachment disorder which developed as a protective/defense mechanism to shield him from his narc father. This leads to anger management issues because his feelings build up and then explode like a pressure cooker from time to time. We are in therapy to address this but I can see that it will take a lot of work to undo the deep emotional damage. I can fully sympathize with anyone who has had the misfortune of have a narc as a parent. Just FYI there is a new syndrome which is gaining recognition called Narcissist Victim Syndrome because more and more people are presenting to therapy with cluster of symptoms after having been at the receiving end of a narcissist. We need victims like ourselves and children to start speaking up and making people aware of the effects that these monsters have on us so that the syndrome gains official recognition in DSM. This is such a silent suffering which is difficult to validate because the narc will always portray such a perfect outwardly image that people would never believe that they are capable of such destruction. My love and empathy goes to every victim out there because I know and understand.

Thank you everyone for posting your stories and experiences. Like the other posters, I am here to share my story. I have been trying to find a place online where I could contact others who understand my situation, as I have never met anyone in person throughout my 25 years of life that understands it.

My father has NPD and is an alcoholic, and pardon my French, but he is an SOB. I was in therapy for over a year dealing with my unresolved emotions surrounding his abandonment of my siblings, mother, and me before my parents divorced when I was a baby. My older sister is the golden child, as she can do no wrong in his eyes, and he will give her anything and everything she wants. He actually keeps his promises with her, but he does not do this for anyone else. I have never confronted my father about my true emotions, as it scares me to do so and because he would just act like I was overreacting, say "that's in the past," and put the blame on me. I was previously able to cope with him and stay in contact with him every now and then, but I have recently become unable to--having deliberately not spoken to him in months now--because he recently went back on his promise he made to me a few years ago about providing each of his daughters (there's 3 of us) with the same amount of money for our respective weddings. Well, low and behold and as predicted, although he provided my older sister (the golden child) with a VERY nice wedding and said he'd do the same for me, he recently went back on this. All the while, my stepmother (his 3rd wife, by the way) is just enabling his narcissistic behavior by flat-out telling me that she is going to "stay out of it" because this is between him and me. She knows he is a narcissist.

This isn't about me not getting the money for my wedding; I can do without that. This is about me, after he went back on such a significant promise to make to a daughter, finally realizing that he is never going to change. Something inside of me has changed, as I do not feel myself hanging on anymore to any hope of him finally becoming the true father he's never been. Thus, I have essentially been grieving this loss that, up until now, still had a glimmer of hope behind it.

My older sister has a fabulous relationship with him; she calls him every week. So that makes me unable to turn to her because deep down I resent what she has with him and I hate that, in my father's eyes, I will never be as good as she is. I can't talk to my other siblings about it either because they are hurting too and cannot be objective about it, and my mother just goes on a profanity-filled rant about how cruel my father is. And now she is refusing to work with him to pay for my wedding even though she cannot afford to do it herself. She originally told me she would, but now she won't because of how belittling he is to her (which I don't blame her for--but still, once again I am left helpless without anyone mature/healthy enough to just PROVIDE for a daughter like normal parents are supposed to do).

I will talk to him again at some point. I have to- he's my father and he will be at my wedding. All I know is that, for right now, I am unable to talk to him. I have nothing to say to him, yet at the same time I wish he knew all the things I've never told him. But I'm scared. Clearly, he still has power over me, and he knows it, which he likes. I cannot win.

Anyone have any advice for how I can cope with this/heal/approach the situation? Thank you all in advance.

Metta,
Liz