[ElementalAlchemy]

Every year, november is what I dread.
Maybe its a self fulfilled prophecy, but its when so many tragic things have happened, that the month just carries bad memories, drama, unresolved feelings and dread.

Its only the middle of October and I am dreading november this year.
the fact that it is combined with a time of thanks, has always made me angry.
the fact that it is supposed to be about family and friendship and peace- and things like thanksgiving and reaching out to other people- the irony isn't lost on me.

holidays at my house were never full of thanks or harmony, but the fact that its combined with death, family secrets, court hearings, and other drama is never so far off my mind, that it doesnt' surface each fall automatically.

I have tried to change my opinions on the season, the dread- I have tried to gain control, to take the reigns- to create new memories, or participate in new things, to try to give my mind something else to think about, the next year.
but despite that, here I am- mid october- dreading november again.

my mother wanted me to write back today and let her know if i want to have thanksgiving there or here- a question she asks every year.
And every year, i choose one or the other, and silently chew my food and silently rage and wonder how she can sit at a table with me, celebrating a holiday as if all the other thanksgivings were normal.
and every year i take away more animosity and anger for her- because she really can think about other things
she really can enjoy her food
she really does look forward to it.
Why is that- that isn't fair, that I dread something every year, because of her silence for so many years.
but i guess things never did effect her the same way- she was always able to put it out of her mind -

So im dreading a month that isn't here yet- making it an even longer ordeal that usual.
and i haven't forgotten what i do have to be thankful for-
but i just can't forget all, that comes attatched to the holiday and time period either.

i don't want to forget, i just want to stop hurting.

[Catherine2]

ElementalAlchemy,
It took courage for you to post with honesty and focus...thank you for sharing with us.
Many of us have months that are almost agonizing for us...anniversaries of events, etc.. It can be especially hard when there is a major holiday.

Have you talked with a therapist about this dread? It can be tremendously helpful...it's a lot for you to be working through alone.

Jme/jmo, but you do not have to celebrate Thanksgiving with your mother. If this arouses anger and anxiety then it is doing more harm than good.
Can you volunteer at a local mission serving dinner...or just say that you are and maybe you can get together next year.
I understand it's only part of what you dread about the month, but it would at least take away one of the heartaches.

Is there anyone in real life that can help you with the other things? Again, therapy can be of great help.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing...so many of us have walked the same path and are more than willing to walk with you.

In Peace

[phoenix7]

Novemeber is a sad time for me too - im sorry you had so much happen to you that made you dread november - as Catherine said can you have thanksgiving somewhere else this year?

have you spoken wiht your mother about what happened? I hope you have a T to help you -i strat dreaind the date now too - differnet date - i know how that feels - T told me last year that I should try and treat it like any other day - think aobut the things that make me hate the day and work through them with him.... practice grounding techiniques and if possible go and do somthing i llike to do on the day

I hope you can think of things to help you through this - know that we are here sitting with you if you want us to

take care P7

[ElementalAlchemy]

I have confronted my mom, several times- There is no denying, she doesn't give the so often and so common replies of "i didn't know, or i had no idea"
She just excuses it to, being helpless, and being weak.
Which - isn't an excuse- never will be.
She has told me numerous times, to get over things, make peace with it, move on-
As she has.
But what she doesn't understand is she is getting over being a bystander, not a victim.
I have tried to express that to her- she doesn't get it.

We talk, casually now- we are able to have some...sort of friendship, but overall I basically have no parents- 1 due to his actions and choices- and later on, his death-
and my mother, due to her actions and choices, and later on her deciding she lived with feeling bad long enough.
She actually said that, a couple years ago- she had felt bad enough she was choosing to move on, and get over it.
I wish it were that easy.
November isn't the only hard month, but it has far more negative memories than anything else.
The thing is, as much as I despise my mothers actions, and lack there of- I also still have this...subconscience desire to understand because I keep hoping if I can, I can also get over it, get past it.

Part of me wants to isolate myself, and just say forget it- but regardless of where I am, I will still be thinking about it-
and -part of me says, not seeing her- lets her off the hook- she doesn't have to face me, face it- the awkardness-
maybe that is part of it- it feels unjust.

She isn't the one who can't sleep- she doesn't think about it every day, it doesn't affect her marriage, and being close to her spouse-
so even though the abuse is over, even though the situations gone- I live with it day to day and she still doesn't have to face it- or answer for it.
My father, died- so he never did either.

If I hold on to it, well I feel I am not getting passed it-
but when I don't think about it, I feel I am avoiding it-

What is the right amount of time to think about it? How much is too much?
When will i stop seeking answers for something that can't be changed?
The thinking, is almost worse than what I went through- because it just never stops.

[MINIME]

november is hard for me to. For many reasons. Its the annisversary of something very horriable that happened to me on thankgiving. This year I am having the holiday with my friends and not being around anyone who triggers me. I can not like you sit and eat with my extended family and (my mom is the cause and out of the picture) and act like everything is all fine. Pretend. Im staying at my house and my friends are coming over here.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by ElementalAlchemy

I have tried to change my opinions on the season, the dread- I have tried to gain control, to take the reigns- to create new memories, or participate in new things, to try to give my mind something else to think about, the next year.
but despite that, here I am- mid october- dreading november again.

my mother wanted me to write back today and let her know if i want to have thanksgiving there or here- a question she asks every year.
And every year, i choose one or the other, and silently chew my food and silently rage and wonder how she can sit at a table with me, celebrating a holiday as if all the other thanksgivings were normal.
and every year i take away more animosity and anger for her

I'm sorry that you are struggling so, (((EA))). Holidays were absolute horror at my house, too, when I was growing up, so I understand completely what you are saying. I was in my late 30's before I finally started celebrating holidays MY way, creating my own memories - even though I have spent most of them alone with just my pets - fine with me - no drama, no tension, and the bad memories are more distant.

Just an observation here - you say that you have tried to take control and create new memories for yourself, but then you also say that you spend Thanksgiving with your mother every year - which appears to be a major trigger for you. If you feel that you must spend Thanksgiving with her, instead of having it at your home or her home, what about going out to a restaurant together? Setting it in a different environment can help create a different atmosphere.

I also agree with what everyone else has said here about techniques to break the routine and do something different even if it means not spending the holiday with your mother. Volunteering at a soup kitchen or delivering Thanksgiving dinners to shut-ins, etc., is a really good way to break the routine and the returns on your investment of time and effort are far greater than you can imagine. Please keep posting and we'll all do our best to help you sort this out and support you in the process.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by ElementalAlchemy

The thing is, as much as I despise my mothers actions, and lack there of- I also still have this...subconscience desire to understand because I keep hoping if I can, I can also get over it, get past it.

Part of me wants to isolate myself, and just say forget it- but regardless of where I am, I will still be thinking about it- and -part of me says, not seeing her- lets her off the hook- she doesn't have to face me, face it- the awkardness-
maybe that is part of it- it feels unjust.

What is the right amount of time to think about it? How much is too much?
When will i stop seeking answers for something that can't be changed?
The thinking, is almost worse than what I went through- because it just never stops.

EA,
Jmo/jme, but sometimes understanding does not come to us...there is a process of accepting what happened...then accepting we will never understand the actions of others.
No matter how hard we want to understand, no matter the desire to understand--it does not come to us.

It's understandable that you feel it is unjust...
If I'm correctly understanding what you have shared, you are angry because your mother appears to have let go/deny anything that happened to you.
It also angered me that I was left to deal with the hardships of many events...but getting that anger out is a healthy gift you can give yourself. Holding on to it can eat you up inside.

Isolating yourself...there is a big difference between isolating yourself and choosing self care...part of that self care is taking responsibility for your mental and emotional well being. It's hard to break a cycle like this...at least it was for me.
We can chase our tails, but seldom are we going to get answers and relief.
A good therapist can help you in doing this, EA.

There is no time frame for healing/recovery...we travel at our own pace. But there is a very big step that needs to be taken first; deciding you will do whatever is necessary for you to find a measure of peace.
It's hard! The alternative is even worse...a life that holds only anguish and despair.

You can do this, EA...posting here makes me believe that you are indeed looking for a way to break this cycle.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing...in the replies there may be just the words that will touch your heart...and be the start of something better for you.

My very best wishes for you to resolve this...it may not be a perfect resolution but it may be enough to clear your vision so you can protect yourself.
You are a worthwhile human being, deserving of so much more than what you are going through...
Do what you need to do in order to be happy.

In Peace

So many of us have stumbled while doing this...getting up is what counts...no matter how many times it happens.
You are in the company of some of the best people in the world...

jmo,jme

EA
I could have written a very similar post as yours. I have had some of the same responses as you recieved. It isn't always that easy as making new holiday plans for yourself or "getting over" anything. I'm not putting down all the caring responses you got, but , for me , these don't work. I cannot NOT be with what's left of my "family" for Thanksgiving because of the guilt from me and anger it will bring from others. It isn't always easy to distance yourself from toxic people. In a perfect world, we could all have a peaceful, calm holiday. Please don't time yourself for healing. It will happen, when it happens. Don't judge yourself harshly or second guess your feelings. Maybe giving to others , as in volunteering at a shelter would bring some satisfaction. I wish I had good answers; I struggle with it every year. I wish , for all of us, this year could be different.

[ElementalAlchemy]

Some very wise, sage and understanding words here..

I think I am still holding on to some last grasps of what I wish were, and so I feel compelled to make certain decisions.
I thought, for instance seeing my mom- on the holiday would be easier, if it wasn't there (her place)
but mine.
My own environment, my own safety.
But I realized it didn't make it easier.
So the next year, I tried not having it so intimate, I invited a couple close friends, in my environment again-
each year I have tried ..adding or removing something- to try to spend time with her, but also, feel safe and comfortable.
But maybe it just isn't possible.
Maybe the one thing I just have to face is, the change I need to make is not inviting her.
Oddly enough i feel guilty tho- because then she spends the holiday alone.

It begs to wonder why I am trying to change MY life, my situation so that I can spend time with her, when spending time with her- is what sometimes triggers the hardest things for me.
But I guess deep down, I still want some family- shes it- thats all I have.

To give a little background, because I am sure my situation is similar to some here unfortunately, I was / am an only child- I suffered sexual abuse at the hand of my father for 12 years, and then as things actually came to the surface through a guidance councelor at school, right before it came to criminal charges- he suffered a heart attack.
My parents were divorced by that point, and my allegations fell into the depths of disbelief on his entire side of the family. They ceased to know me at that point- and I was left with my mom, whos parents are both passed-
so thats all I have- is my mom.
Because there was no real investigation, because he past on- there was no resolve- it just got dropped- no one talked about it- his friends/family couldn't believe he would do such things- and he never had to answer to it-

My mom, never denied it happened, but she has always had the attitude of - hes dead- what does it matter- he got the worst punishment ever.
Now, its 20 years later- and I still live with it and she carries the attitude like, I choose to be bothered- I choose to still think about it-
I really think her overall feeling is, enough time has gone by- and maybe that is why I feel pressure to NOT think about it.

I am seeing a therapist, I have been on and off my whole life- as well as group therapy, and other outlets like using a journal, and so on..

I seem to understand why I feel certain ways, I seem to recognize steps I could, should or am taking- i seem to think ---very well on the situation. According to a lot of books I have read, I am perfectly normal.
But I don't feel normal. I feel like this scar just invades my life when I am not looking- I feel a bit annoyed, that I still think about it-
I mean ..shes right - hes dead- what more can happen?
If he was alive and living well, that would be one thing-
isn't thinking about it, isn't it affecting my life NOW, just giving him more power?

How can I be so lucid and so lost at the same time?

Wow okay that rattled on a lot...sorry

[VickiesPath]

Not only is your mother's reaction inappropriate but I would guess that you are very angry with her because she did not prevent what happened to you. She was the "good" parent who was supposed to protect you. She essentially denies that what your father did was bad. How the hell can she live with herself? What is your allegiance to her?

My parents were alcoholic. Thanksgiving was my mother staying sober and preparing delicious food for three days. She had some wonderful recipes and she did a marvelous job. It was my father's favorite holiday.

Christmas was another story. Christmas was a nightmare. John Denver's song, "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas" was written for us. My father would get drunk every day after work for one week straight during Christmas and when he finally did come home, my mother would load us and him in the car and drive us over to my grandparents house (my father's parents) to exchange gifts. He would sit in the corner with a stupid grin on his face. His father abused him. He didn't like his parents. My mother was in charge of Christmas for us four kids as my father liked to be in on the toys and things but as we got older he didn't think it was all that fun. I think Christmas wasn't all that fun when he was young.

In later years, when I spoke to my mother about the times that she and my father neglected me when I injured myself physically, she said to me (and I cannot count the number of times she said these words), "Vickie, we just didn't have any idea you were hurt that bad." I had sprained my ankle, torn my ACL ligament, sliced open the bottom of my foot 3 inches, and re-injured my knee after the ACL injury. I was on crutches for my high school graduation. They were not unaware. They were drunk.

Please get a therapist. You deserve some peace from this.

[Catherine2]

EA,
Thank you again for sharing...

I put a trigger icon out of respect for those who may not be in a good place--and that obviously includes you, EA...if bluntness would upset you, please disregard this reply all together...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jme...just my experience

My abuser died in prison from cancer...a long and painful death as adequate pain control was not given to him. I take no responsibility in the decision that was made by these officials.
...and I think he got off easy although he did suffer.
Part of the reason is *I* wanted to cause him more pain; somehow have the chance to confront him and make him understand what he had done to me...I wanted to shake some shame and guilt into him so he would know what he had done...
Others who should have protected me were as guilty as he was; just in a different way.
I battled on two fronts; both of which battered me even more. He seemed to be getting off easy and so did the others...they denied and covered up and blamed me...and I was just one of his victims....but of course they concentrated on me.

In all honesty, it took some years of therapy for me to understand that I was never going to get the chance to confront him or them, understand how the heck they could let it happen and punish me for it...
It was consuming me, drowning me...and I got damn sick of it. I might as well have been beating my head against a brick wall.

This is what I meant when I said that sometimes understanding is not possible...there are things that humans do to each other that cannot be explained or understood. Period. In my years of working the forensic unit, at no time did any of us reach understanding of these horrendous acts...
We did our jobs with dedication and thoroughness for the purpose of trying to find something/anything that would be a commonality...something that could be tied together...give insight...perhaps those who added our observations along with other participating hospitals were able to do it.
I don't know as I've been retired for some time.

Sharing this is not meant as a Can-You-Top-This...
It is my hope that you will see that there most likely will be no answers for you.

My father once told me this although not in context with the abuse...
"At first the wound is bloody and painful, it scabs over...sometimes we pick at it and cause more pain...but it will morph into an angry scar and that too will fade. It's still there, but it becomes part of who we are and not our identity."

EA,
In the last years of their lives, I took care of my parents. It was a decision I made based on many factors...it was one of the hardest things I ever did...and it was also one of the best things I did for myself.
I gave them every chance to be at least kind to me...and that is my point. It didn't happen...
I've had as little contact with any family members since.
You have given your mother every chance to hold you and say, "I'm sorry, my child, for not taking better care of you."
Her way of dealing with the past is shrugging it off...and I know how deeply it hurts the heart.

...giving him more power? Yes.
Jme/jmo, perhaps there is more anger than what you are aware of? Grief that has not been acknowledged?
Are you at the age when you are beginning to feel a different dimension of the impact this had on you?

Just a thought...
You are not obligated to ask your mother to come to dinner. If she chooses to be alone, it is her decision. Does she not have other people...friends...who would be happy to include her?
If you do feel obligated in some way, take her out the night after Thanksgiving. It's time for you to make your own traditions...and sometimes that involves making tough decisions.

"Analysis Paralysis." You will lose sight of what you need to do for yourself if you continue to look for more things, better things, to settle things...

In no way do I imply that any of this is true of you, EA...I'm but sharing my own experiences in hope that something within those words will help...I offer my apology if I offended you.

Please allow yourself to feel any anger and especially the grief...this stuff hurts, dammit, and I don't care what age we are...it's going to be a challenge in many ways...but there will also be relief.

Thank you for being here...
I'm learning quite a bit from you.

In Peace

[ElementalAlchemy]

As my last post said, I am seeing a therapist- its just, an hour a week hardly covers a fraction of what my brain thinks 24 hours a day.

Its just terrible, all the things I am reading here- as much as its easier to reach out to those who have encountered difficult times, it really makes me sad that so many of us, have such terrible times to endure.

I made a decision, and wrote my mom a letter- I'm going to post it here- because its really a decision I feel more comfortable making, after hearing from such compassionate people- and maybe someone else was feeling the same way- and needs to write a similar letter-
So here goes-



Mom-

As you are aware, the holidays have been a difficult time in our family. First time around, experiencing it- and now, remembering it.
I know in your mind, what the holidays should be about- and I really, truly believe that you try to make the holidays picture perfect in your mind, even if for one day.
But, the problem I have always had, is you can't erase thousands of memories and 364 bad days a year, because your a great cook and want the Normal Rockwell picture.
So instead of trying to force myself, into what you imagine the holidays should be, I have decided this year to spend them in a different way.
In my opinion I have dedicated every Thanksgiving in the past, to trying to pretend things were okay, or trying to not think about how how things aren't ok-
Instead of doing that this year, I have taken steps and found a church in my area that is helping our community.
I have signed up to help collect coats that week, and bring meals to those who are unable to prepare them for themselves and to help cleaning up the kitchen, from all the meals they will be making and sharing that week.

I want this holiday to be about something other than our family. Our misery, our bad memories. And although I can't change what has happened in our family, that leads to some of my own problems- I can make the day better for a few others, who are still going through the healing process.
I think it will help me, help others - by being actively involved in making their day better, instead of spending another day remembering why our life wasn't.

I hope I have your support and understanding in this, and I am hoping by telling you this, so early you will be able to make other plans and enjoy the day how you wish to spend it.

Kim



- Well so i hand wrote that and mailed it to her today before i lost my nerve- and although I have helped out at our local church before for various things, it made me feel good to offer at such a time that they need it most.
I myself am not religious- at least not, a religion I have found that meets all my needs- but I recognize where help is needed, and am glad to do this.

now instead of looking at the next 6 weeks of what will i talk to her about etc- i can put my energy on collecting coats, or looking at our thrift store to donate some myself- or something more positive with the energy.
And i don't feel selfish about doing it, because before if I had said no- i still would have sat here, and thought the same things, felt the same way.
So i feel really good about this decision.

I really appreciate the honesty and openness everyone has shared with me here--i feel like there is this warm energy here, of understanding that really makes a difference.

thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my thoughts and opinions, and to share theirs...

[phoenix7]

Wow what a wonderful letter and what a wonderful thing to do - I dont even know you and i am proud of you for being so brave to both write and send the letter and then to offer your services to others all i can say is WOW

[MINIME]

You know those things are hard. And they are the choices only you can make. ((HUGS))

[Catherine2]

It's a gift you haven given to yourself, and I hope you feel relief and release in doing this...

Your letter is poignant and powerful, and honest.
I am sincerely grateful that you shared it with us.
My heart thanks you, Kim...your words will give comfort and hope to those who read it.
You are planting the seeds of hope in others who read it; you may not see "the harvest," but it is there nonetheless.

In Peace

[ElementalAlchemy]

Well its written with strength, but I have no problem admitting I am scared to death of what her reaction will be.
Could be anger, could be "hurt" which she plays a lot- could be her helpless attitude she throws that once in awhile.

I was thinking about the letter, and my strength, or reason stirs from several things said here.
The fact is, change---well, it was something my mother never did. She never risked, she never attacked, she never confronted, she never resolved.
She sat, she watched, she shook her head, she closed her eyes.
I will always be angry, I will never understand-
reading several open posts here, I am stunned and honored, as well as humbled by the sheer inner strength so many have here- from similar backgrounds, worse backgrounds - not to grade situations, but I do know, i survived, but could have been exposed to worse, for longer.
When I read stories of girls abducted, carrying their rapists children- being held prisoner-
there is always worse

To get back to my original thought however, is that- for me to be angry at my mother for never changing- well, I can't change HER. I can't change the past.
I can only change myself, my life and what it means and might hold.

Seeing her, on that day, that holiday isn't something I like to do. I am not happy with it- and reading some very wise things here, it made me realize I don't have to.
i am not 8 years old anymore.
I don't have to keep secrets anymore. I don't have to do anything do I?
I am an adult now.

How many ...of us abused, keep doing things...we ought to, we think we should, because we have been programmed that anything different is selfish?

How many others here...are planning on spending a miserable holiday with someone they dont' want to face because somewhere along the way - we were taught, that is just how it is supposed to be?
Supposed to be?
Nothing in our lives, from things I have read here- were SUPPOSED to be.
So why as an adult, am I still doing it?

It was hard to write the letter- It will be hard to defend my choice if I have to- but at the same time I felt ...empowered writing it. I could write it. I did write it. I can choose.

I don't suspect I will ever "understand"
I will never read a paper and understand the man who hits his wife, or harms his child. I will never watch a news cast and think it makes sense, to hear half of what I do. I shudder and cry at humanity more times than not.
Life is short, and I spent my first 12 years, being abused because I had no choice.
And somewhere, along the way I adapted to that.
And even beyond my fathers death, kept quiet. kept nodding, kept following orders or expecations.

Maybe I won't ever prove to my mom she did have a choice.
Maybe she will always think she was a victim too.
But, maybe she will see my example in my letter.
Maybe she will see I am unhappy being in a situation so I am choosing to not be in it anymore.
And even if she doesn't understand, and even if it it upsets her- maybe she can see its never too late to make changes. Its never too late to stand up for ourselves.

I think sometimes that I am so used to being abused, its harder to step away from it. Its defiantely scarier-
but im ok being scared right now.. I don't know what this thanksgiving will bring, but I know what it won't for the first time- and I made that choice.
And everything starts with one step one choice right?

When I think about the fact, that here I am a stranger- no one here knew me before a week ago- and you have all taken the time to read what I think, read my own story- to post support- to share your own histories- a few have taken time to welcome me, share a pm, or a hug- it really inspires me.
I haven't seen one post from anyone here, who doesn't have an amazing voice, an amazing inner strength - I am grateful for finding this community-and grateful you have taken the time to share with me, your own stories advice, opinions ...and it makes me realize just how much good there is despite all the bad.

[lynn09]

Congratulations, ((((((EA)))))). You did it - you chose - you are now officially an adult, and no longer that terrified, abused, helpless, little child. You are taking control of your life away from those who abused you, either by commission or neglect. And, Congratulations to everyone else who shared their own stories so openly - this entire thread is a testament to the resiliency, courage, and strength of the human spirit - to survive, to transcend seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and to emerge victorious against all odds - to make rightful claim to our lives. HUGS for Everyone!!

[susan888]

EA,
What can I say?? You are amazing!!!

My abusers were never confronted and the ones that were supposed to be my protectors mostly just wanted to keep peace in the "family".

I too had a mother that was unable to deal with my issues and ignored them. After my Dad killed himself she was just too wrapped up in her own pain and trying to keep a roof over our heads (which I will always love and respect her for). But she would never talk to me about the CSA from my "uncle" and later from a "neighbor". I was 8 too and now I am 46. My abusers are dead and one of the last conversations I had with my Mom was trying to get my "answers"....it ended with "why are you doing this to me"....she died 2 weeks later..

Catherine is right.....we will probably never get our answers, but need to accept that it happened..it was wrong..we were not protected..

I applaud you for your honesty with you Mom and for your wisdom in seeing that you have to distance yourself. That is very difficult to do. I live with the guilt of having to do that but, I think they must (and I have to believe this) feel guilty for not protecting us and their defense mechanism is either denial or "just get over it".

Children are precious and should be protected because they are "easy targets" for the evil in this world.

You are doing a good thing for yourself and the people you will help!! So much better than an uncomfortable turkey dinner!!!

(((EA))) You have my admiration!

[ElementalAlchemy]

I posted ---as my mother has since gotten the letter- and responded...poorly


I have been very reclusive the last few days as she has bombarded me with emails/texts/voicemails about how upset she is with me.

I am hanging in there because I know deep down my choice is a healthy one and is stemmed from taking charge and making changes instead of remaining upset- but she is doing everything she can to wear me down and I am so emotionally drained you guys...
its like...having someone just scratch and scratch until you bleed.
I don't want to cut off contact with her, but it always comes down to- its hard to make healthy choices, when it issn't supported and the other person isn't trying as well.
Since my mom refuses to try therapy, or even discuss things- my choices make no sense to her because she doesn't view anythign as wrong.
What happened, happened, its over and done with to her because my dad is dead- she doesn't seem to have the same....residual things going on with her.
But then again, WATCHING abuse, via being abused, isn't the same thing.
Her part - is over.

Sigh..
well anyhow, so I posted in the above thread..I just ...am really working on sticking to my decision because the last thing i want to do is be inconsistant after finally finding the strength to stand up for my own needs after so long.
And I tried to compromise I asked her if SHE wanted to come with me-
She flat out said no- so i did offer a middle ground- and she wanted no part of it.

I know logically I shouldn't feel bad.
I know logically its a good decision for a lot of reasons..

logically isn't making me feel less bad though.

i posted under phobias/panic and anxiety - as a follow up in whole- but wanted to follow up here too.
I really appreciate all the support, at least HERE i don't feel like im selfish about this choice

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by ElementalAlchemy

I know logically I shouldn't feel bad.
I know logically its a good decision for a lot of reasons..

logically isn't making me feel less bad though.

I really appreciate all the support, at least HERE i don't feel like im selfish about this choice

EA...
Throw out what you believe is logic...
Just my own experience but when dealing with a situation like this, my trying to be logical was actually me trying to rationalize my feelings/actions.

It was very easy for me to overlook that I was finally taking care of myself...
A Foreign Feeling because I was so used to putting others first, no matter what it cost me.
It was very expensive and only battered me more when I did it.
It morphed into understanding that if I was going to feel miserable then I wanted it to be from self-care, not the care of everyone else.
Self care slowly but steadily became more important to me.

Again jme...
Stepping away from a familiar situation gave me feelings of fear/shame/guilt. It didn't matter that the situation was unbearable; it was still familiar...

You are a good and loving person, deserving of respect and courtesy. Demand it with quiet dignity...demand may sound harsh, but it's saying that you will not allow someone to treat you badly, manipulate you, badger you with their woe-is-me accusations.

Hard to do? yes
Worth it? yes

Please keep posting and lean on us for support. Someone will say something that will touch your heart and ease things for you.

In Peace

[ElementalAlchemy]

Thank you Catherine..that helps a lot....

its always the healthiest decisions that are the hardest for me...

[phoenix7]

you're not alone in that stay strong - you are doing whats right for you -

[ElementalAlchemy]

Thanks everyone...
Its been a loooooong week with a lot of frequent flyer miles for the city guilt trip- but so far, so good.
I feel better about the decision everyday

[phoenix7]

Good I am glad

take care of you ok

[MINIME]

Im glad that you are feeling better.