[Teacake]

She told me to get on with It. Mother is a bit Medean.

I have had untreated chronic PTSD (not c-ptsd) for thirty two years, since I was eighteen. Its been better and worse. Ive expected i would be a suicide almost all my life. PTSD is high risk. Ive been high risk all my adult life. Maybe It is time i got on with It.

I came home to live alone in my grandparents farmhouse. I didn't know mom intended to stay three weeks. Early in week three...im ready to join my ancestors.

Id forgotten how mean and destructive she is, and how much she hates me.

Do i laugh? Do I cry? Do i kill myself? What ****ery is this?

Tonight I choose to laugh and sleep. Tomorrow? Does It matter?

[Raindropvampire]

If someone told me to no matter how bad I wanted to do it I wouldn't do it just to spite them. Sometimes I think spite is the only reason I'm still here. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to deal with people like that.

I admit I am a bitter spiteful person but the last time my mom told me that my response was "Nope I want to live long enough to put you in the most abusive worst hellhole of a nursing home I can find. I hope they make your final years as happy as you made my childhood." Then I smiled sweetly said I love you and walked out. Yes I know I'm a bad person but god it felt good to say it.

[MotownJohnny]

Teacake, I think it is your right, and I would never say anyone should not choose that if they felt they had exhausted all options. I too have felt the inevitability of it, and that thought gives me both pain and comfort at various times.

But you have to be sure, and I don't feel you are. It's just your mother triggering you. Can she not return to where ever she came from?

[Open Eyes]

((Teacake)), I am very sorry that your mother has been upsetting you so much. When someone tells another person to go head and suicide it clearly means "that person" not only has absolutely no clue about PTSD, but it also means that the person is feeling frustrated and doesn't know what to do or say.

Teacake, so many times now I have listened to others here talk about how unsupportive their family members have been and are with them, I had experienced that myself when I was "very suicidal" and really did not understand PTSD. And it can be very hard being in the presence of someone who "hurt" you because that person has issues too.

You say that you remember how un-nurturing your mother was/is and that is bringing back memories where you had unmet needs. Your wise mind has diagnosed her and uttered the reasons "why" too. This is very hard and triggering, but it is also another chance for you to stand back even "more" and use your wise mind to understand her behaviors even more so that instead of anger, you are seeing that abused dog hiding in the corner growling at you in fear, because that is what your mother is.

In a way right now you are "frozen" at 19. In fact this past year you have been re-experiencing that year. You say 32 years, well, back then so little was understood about PTSD and other challenges. You can look back from the knowledge of the now and see what could have been done for you, but, that was not really done back then. Your mother is somewhat frozen too, she did not know what to do back then and she doesn't know now either.

Who in this picture has the intelligence and is gifted enough to be the one who rises above this challenge? Are "you" going to insist on staying 19, or are you going to grow?
You have a choice, you can hang yourself as a stressed out angry, confused 19 year old, or, you can push your way through this challenge and "grow" and finally get past it. Who is going to be the true "Alpha" here? Because it is obvious that your mother is "not".

You have been reading about "how" to Teacake, you now need to begin to "put this into practice". This part is "hard", but it is not undoable.

Yesterday I met with my therapist and I talked about how pretty much everyone around me in my life is "messed up" and I feel like I am the only one who can see how really bad it is. I talked about what happened when I experienced the stress break down and I had no idea what it was and I did not know anything about PTSD. I have had to deal with learning disabilities my entire life, knowing somehow it was not the person's fault, but not knowing what it was, not having the labels to help me understand. I even talked about others I interact with in this forum that have similar challenges, a need to be understood, yet being misunderstood by their own families and how sad that was. I began to weep feeling so sad.

My therapist said to me, that this weeping is part of the mourning and healing. He told me that while I am weeping "now", that does'nt last and I will get to a point where I heal even more.

Teacake, you ask, "what are we?", and the answer is, we are just 'human" and that means we will be limited in "what we know", as is your mother and what she is showing you right now. You can react as that 19 year old, or, you can do the work and finally grow past that. That means you have to let go of holding your mother to a standard that she is never going to fulfill. It's hard to work past this challenge, so I don't want you to think I am in any way making light of it.

See, as long as you act like that angry 19 year old, your mother will continue to react badly towards you. It is much like being with an abused dog that is cowering in a corner and as long as you raise your voice or do anything threatening, that dog will growl and snap at you because it doesn't know anything else to do. Human beings?, Dogs?, same thing, both animals.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

If someone told me to no matter how bad I wanted to do it I wouldn't do it just to spite them. Sometimes I think spite is the only reason I'm still here. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to deal with people like that.

I admit I am a bitter spiteful person but the last time my mom told me that my response was "Nope I want to live long enough to put you in the most abusive worst hellhole of a nursing home I can find. I hope they make your final years as happy as you made my childhood." Then I smiled sweetly said I love you and walked out. Yes I know I'm a bad person but god it felt good to say it.

Ok. . But im not spiteful. I underatand that mom isnt a complete person. She cant become one even if she really wants to. She is borderline. Because she has survived by manipulation she assumes others do the same. I have no desire to hurt her. Its bad enough that I have to admit to myself I hate her.

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you choose to live. Why has this been untreated.? How about getting it treated with a good therapist. "Every man's death diminishes me." I believe that. We are all unique......Your mother is miserable and wants you to be also. YOU get to decide who you are. Stay with us. As for "get on with it." ....How about getting on with living........dying is easy.....and so many of us have only a short time to Live. P.S. People who abuse, hate themselves and take it out on others. Don't give her the satisfaction (then she can become a martyr). Get help, and do things that make you happy! xo

You might want to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; that book saved my life.
also...Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is so helpful

[Open Eyes]

Why hate her, instead hate what caused her to be the way she is. Two dogs cowering and biting at each other accomplishes nothing.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Teacake, I think it is your right, and I would never say anyone should not choose that if they felt they had exhausted all options. I too have felt the inevitability of it, and that thought gives me both pain and comfort at various times.

But you have to be sure, and I don't feel you are. It's just your mother triggering you. Can she not return to where ever she came from?

I am always sure when I am near my mother long enough, lol! She has a house in the nice suburbs. She has important business to attend to here. She cannot pay a plumbers bill from out of state and "get her money's worth". And she has old greeting cards and clipped recipes to sort through. She's borderline. It is her house. I me mine. I me mine. I me mine.

Since March the suicidal impulse has been more of an impulse or a compulsión than a fear or preoccupation. I could kill myself out of joy.
W
I speak openly about It so no one can say they didn't see It coming or that It was a fleeting impulse and I didn't mean It.

Im detached from It now. I think I knew deep down I was coming home to die. She will be out of my hair Sunday, she says. I still have untreated ptsd. That wont end when mother goes home. Im still poor and dependent and the world is still a horror. I can only intellectualise so much.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Teacake

She told me to get on with It. Mother is a bit Medean.

she sounds spiteful and damaged to me .....

I have had untreated chronic PTSD (not c-ptsd) for thirty two years, since I was eighteen. Its been better and worse.

why havnt you sought treatment?

Ive expected i would be a suicide almost all my life. PTSD is high risk. Ive been high risk all my adult life. Maybe It is time i got on with It.

Many things are high risk as you said - but youve lasted this long why give up now ? especially when it seems youre mum was the trigger - she stayed three weeks and is gone...good!

I came home to live alone in my grandparents farmhouse. I didn't know mom intended to stay three weeks. Early in week three...im ready to join my ancestors.

She definately has a bad effect on you - i have someone who does the same - i have to remind myself they are trying to lay their problems and pain on me - and that i am not responsible for "fixing them" only me

Id forgotten how mean and destructive she is, and how much she hates me.

its always hard when someone who should nurture you doesnt - remember its their faliure not yours - they couldnt love - not that you are unlovable

Do i laugh? Do I cry? Do i kill myself? What ****ery is this?

oh i haveoften looked at this ....should i do a , b, or just suicide...a cold hard decision wiht no emotion attached to it - but its not just me and its not just you - how would your grandparents feel ?

Tonight I choose to laugh and sleep. good - my mum used to say either we laugh or we cry - so laugh and sleep is good

Tomorrow? Does It matter?

YES IT DOES MATTER - it matters to your grandparents and i dare say others apart formt those that care here -seek help - dont do this alone - youve batttled long and hard now get the help you deserve

I'm around if you need me ok

P7

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, you did not come home to die, you need to finally face all this and heal now. You will not intellectualize this in such a short time, not in one day or three weeks.

So your mother is "this is mine, this is mine" and you are recognizing this pattern in her has always been there, that pattern is coming from her own "boundary issues" where she developed this way of "self protecting".

Teacake, every single person that is challenged in this forum, everyone I have met in one way or another has experienced this kind of "maladaptive damaged parent".

These people simply don't have the capacity to understand "you", the person who has to understand "you" and heal is "you".

If your mother has said that you still have untreated PTSD, then agree with her and tell her you need funds so you can pay for a qualified therapist to work with you instead of the ones the system has offered that have been no help. There "are" good therapists out there Teacake, if you lived near me and saw my therapist you would see that. You are in a new state and you have to convince your mother to fund you so you can get the help you need.

The only reason a person would suicide with glee is only because the person wants to rid themselves of the "stress". Well, that doesn't really do anything, when you can learn and heal with help, which you "can". Do you want your son to live out his life wondering if he will end up suiciding like his mother? Because, that is what happens, and that is not fair to your child who is only 27 and in many ways still learning and really doesn't even have the capacity to understand "you". When you speak of the glee of suicide, you better stop and think about how selfish that act would really be. That is just not fair to your son, are you going to be like your mother that way, because that is what you would be doing to your son. Two wrongs do not make a right.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

I think you went home to heal, as well, but you have to be allowed to do it in your own way, without interference. I think part of that is peace, quiet, and simplicity. If they will truly give you some space, and you can live simply, without a lot of external stimulation, I think you might start to find yourself in a better state of mind. I know that is an approach that I think would work for me, but I don't have the opportunity.

[phoenix7]

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((Teacake)), I am very sorry that your mother has been upsetting you so much. When someone tells another person to go head and suicide it clearly means "that person" not only has absolutely no clue about PTSD, but it also means that the person is feeling frustrated and doesn't know what to do or say.

Or it means that person is being abusive and instead of wasting time trying to view them like an abused dog that actually deserves pity and compassion, its best to see them as an abusivie toxic person and avoid further contact with them and be careful NOT to rationalize their abusive behaviors towards you as them 'not knowing any better' and 'just being frusterated'. My advice kinda contrary to yours I guess would be the OP should work on what they need to do to take care of them-self, and find help and support to dismiss their moms words as verbal abuse and have support coping with having to go through that. Certainly not consider 'well what did I do to create the monster my mom is'.

Sounds like the OP's mom is emotionally abusive, she'd be the one responsible for the abused dog cowering in the corner I just don't think there is a good excuse for encouraging people to kill them-self or otherwise harm/neglect them-self or other verbal abuse/manipulation even if the individual doing it might have had a bad experience or multiple.

[Hellion]

^also suicide has nothing to do with being 'selfish' thinking about it isn't 'selfish' its a point people get to when under too much stress, dealing with to much mental turmoil so do not feel guilty about having these thoughts or beat yourself up over how selfish it is to your kid if you follow through...certainly do try and get help and support and do what you can not to act on it, but trying to not act on it because 'OMG it would be so selfish of me' won't do anything to make you feel better. Just had to disagree with some stuff in this thread.

[phoenix7]

having contemplated suicide a few times ....at the time its , for me , about stopping, stopping the pain and the confusion , you think people willmbe better off - but they wont...I think people including myself are just trying to show you reasons whyyou are needed here ...

if you have a son that is a great reason...you know what though....because you are worth it is another good reason - you deserve so much better than an ending ..you deserve to get better and live your life

its hard to pull yourself away from these thoughts.....it is iin no way an "easy option" please if these thoughts are constant wiht you get help ...

[Open Eyes]

I went through a period where I was really bad myself. I honestly never imagined ever being that bad either, it was so horrible. You know Teacake, at that time my daughter was the same age as your son, and she stayed away from me, which made me even worse. However, I managed to survive that horrible time, because I learned that it comes in strong waves and yet it does go away too. It was the hardest year of my life too. I am so glad I did not act on my thoughts, because I now know that my daughter really did not understand it at all and I would never want to hurt her, and it would have hurt her because she has had challenges herself and I am glad that I am here now to help her and her challenges would have been too much had I made that choice when I was struggling so much.

Maybe using the word selfish was too "harsh", because at the time I was so bad and so alone too. I also felt that everyone would be much better off if I was not around to burden them too. I had a lot of anger and I turned inward and "god" it was horrible.
Oh, I know that desire for "peace" that Mowtown is talking about "if only". I did not have that "at all", oh how I wanted it so badly too. Yes, my husband responded the same way your mother did too, not only that but he kept a loaded hand gun in the night stand next to our bed, "knowing that was the way I said I would end myself" how does that grab you?

Hellion, I know what you are saying about not making excuses for someone who is "abusive". I was no where near capable of making excuses or seeing others at the time,
the truth is I was too busy being "hurt" by them. I did not see any "light" at all tbh.

I can see it now, but I sure could not see it then.

I am trying to reach out as best as I can to encourage you to work through this, even though these desires are strong because you "can" work past this, you are certainly smart enough, smarter than me in some ways too.

[MotownJohnny]

For me, the reasons behind it are complex, but it was and is not about being a burden. This is a spoiled rich kid thing (well, um ... You know, OE) but I do have a sense of entitlement - which is not a good thing. Burden to my family, if I were, and I actually, despite my 42 levels of crazy, am the workhorse and the glue that holds them together - if I am ever a burden to them, I earned it through blood, tears, and a lifetime of sweat equity, so screw them.

With me, suicide would be an escape, but not from mental pain, I've had that my whole life, I am used to that. It would be an escape from loss of face, from being shamed, and definitely from being locked up like a felon "for my own good due to my medical condition." No way would I accept that - honestly I should have a contingency plan in case it comes to that. I would do everything in my power to avoid that, including death by cop if necessary, rather than be captured, disgraced, and treated like a common criminal. If I thought that would happen, I would probably carry an apology and please forgive yourself note to the cop, so he knew I knew what I was doing and he was doing me a kindness putting me out if my misery. Because above all, I am still a decent and honorable man, I have empathy and love for my fellow human beings, I am a nice guy and always a gentleman.

I should have a plan - and yes, it would involve a trip to a sporting goods store because that would still be my method of choice.

Right now, very rough patch, but I still hold out hope for the future, that it will be better, that I can hold it together enough that I need not worry about ever being in a position to be locked up. I still have dreams, including grad school. They may be pipe dreams but I have them.

[Bluesday]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

If someone told me to no matter how bad I wanted to do it I wouldn't do it just to spite them. Sometimes I think spite is the only reason I'm still here. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to deal with people like that.

Spite is what has kept me on this spinning ball of mud for a couple decades longer than I ever expected. My parents were also tough and generally uncaring. I didn't want them to win. I figured if I were gone, those 2 awful people would still be enjoying life to some degree. I deserve to live just as much as them, if not more so. Keep fighting the good fight and get in your own corner. You can make it!

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Bluesday

Spite is what has kept me on this spinning ball of mud for a couple decades longer than I ever expected. My parents were also tough and generally uncaring. I didn't want them to win. I figured if I were gone, those 2 awful people would still be enjoying life to some degree. I deserve to live just as much as them, if not more so. Keep fighting the good fight and get in your own corner. You can make it!

I can relate to that. I feel like if I do kill myself, in some way "they", especiall dear old dead pervert dad, win.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Teacake, I think it is your right, and I would never say anyone should not choose that if they felt they had exhausted all options. I too have felt the inevitability of it, and that thought gives me both pain and comfort at various times.

But you have to be sure, and I don't feel you are. It's just your mother triggering you. Can she not return to where ever she came from?

Ive been sure a long time. Its just timing. Ive always spoken honestly about It.
Mom will go home Sunday. Not before. Ive gone to bed for the midweek. At least I can sleep. Shes tottering up and down the rickety cellar stairs.

Ive mentioned maybe i could use a ride into town to go to urgent date to get a steroid shot. My eyes are swelling shut from poison ivy. My visión is blurred. No, she says, thats not good for my heart. My head exploded metaphorically and I went to bed. Nothing matters. PTSD is a speedball. This time i ley myself enjoy it.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, you give your mother too much information. You should just tell her you need a ride to see a doctor, it is not good to have poisen ivy near the eyes.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I hope you choose to live. Why has this been untreated.? How about getting it treated with a good therapist. "Every man's death diminishes me." I believe that. We are all unique......Your mother is miserable and wants you to be also. YOU get to decide who you are. Stay with us. As for "get on with it." ....How about getting on with living........dying is easy.....and so many of us have only a short time to Live. P.S. People who abuse, hate themselves and take it out on others. Don't give her the satisfaction (then she can become a martyr). Get help, and do things that make you happy! xo

You might want to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; that book saved my life.
also...Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is so helpful

I love Patricia Evans. That book saved me too.

PTSD goes untreated because we are all in denial about what it is. As i was being diagnosed I kept going to ER, suicidal. So i got lots of diagnóstic input. I realised we were sort of hoping I was bipolar or borderline or just depressed because these can be treated. When PTSD stand alone, is not a result of childhood trauma, there really is no medical or therapy treatment. People who say they do psychotherapy for ptsd are probably treating something else euphemistically called ptsd. Its a physiological thing. Medicine can help people not care, but at a lot of personal cost. Thats ahh our suicide rates are high.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Why hate her, instead hate what caused her to be the way she is. Two dogs cowering and biting at each other accomplishes nothing.

I love my mother. I try very hard to reconcile. I have a sense of how painful her life has been. She has borderline disorder. She knew something was wrong with her. She was too terrified to ask about It and so she was never able to treat It or to heal. She got hurt again and again. She is profoundly gifted and very strong. She battled through a difficult marriage and she battles through life, steamrolling us all down. She is furious at the world and entitled to her rage.

She's not a growling dog. She's one angry woman in an armored tank. I just hope I dont go so numb i stay stuck in numb. Mom triggers me bad. She doesn't mean to. But Its true that she hates me and wishes me dead. Always has. She's borderline. A narcissist. I am not. Big envy. I have a self. That is their biggest envy. It made her scary in my childhood. Back in the childhood holiday home watching home movies I felt her trigger by a look on my dads face. Her trigger sent a wave of fear through me. All dad did was not smile at the camera. His face was serious. He looked troubled. Im guessing the borderline inlaws were wearing on him. Fifty years later that face teiggered mom and I paid. Lol!

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Why hate her, instead hate what caused her to be the way she is. Two dogs cowering and biting at each other accomplishes nothing.

I love my mother. I try very hard to reconcile. I have a sense of how painful her life has been. She has borderline disorder. She knew something was wrong with her. She was too terrified to ask about It and so she was never able to treat It or to heal. She got hurt again and again. She is profoundly gifted and very strong. She battled through a difficult marriage and she battles through life, steamrolling us all down. She is furious at the world and entitled to her rage.

She's not a growling dog. She's one angry woman in an armored tank. I just hope I dont go so numb i stay stuck in numb. Mom triggers me bad. She doesn't mean to. But Its true that she hates me and wishes me dead. Always has. She's borderline. A narcissist. I am not. Big envy. I have a self. That is their biggest envy. It made her scary in my childhood. Back in the childhood holiday home watching home movies I felt her trigger by a look on my dads face. Her trigger sent a wave of fear through me. All dad did was not smile at the camera. His face was serious. He looked troubled. Im guessing the borderline inlaws were wearing on him. Fifty years later that face teiggered mom and I paid. Lol!

[Parley]

Was she able to get the hot water fixed while there?