What if you don't want to get better? Can you still go to therapy?

I recently dropped out of therapy (again). Aside from not being able to trust, the issue was that I just don't want to feel better. I don't want to be happy. What I want is for my life to be over. I don't want it to change, I want it to end. (Please note that I am in no way actively suicidal)

And given this, I felt like it was wrong for me to continue in therapy. I wanted to go because I wanted something to be there every week, something to.... well, "look forward to" doesn't seem the right phrase since I dreaded it at the same time as I waited anxiously for it to arrive.... But I didn't want to do the exercises that teach you how to cope/feel better....because I didn't want to feel better. And I couldn't trust enough to ever really say what was on my mind, so I couldn't talk in any detail about the issues I was dealing with.

But now I have nothing and am alone. With no focal point to carry me from one week to the next. And with no hope for anything to change - when I went to therapy, there was always that (albeit very tiny and remote) hope that maybe, maybe something would happen in therapy that would make a difference.

But if I don't want to change, if I don't want to make any effort to be happy, am I not just wasting the therapist's time? Just paying for someone to essentially just sit and "be with me" for one hour a week - so for that one hour I don't have to be alone? Wouldn't the money spent on therapy do more good being given to a charity, and the therapist's time be better spent helping someone that did want to change? Is it not just an act of selfishness to go to therapy when you don't want to change?

Oh, thimble. Your post is so sad. I hope it's okay to give you some 's.

I wasn't finished writing but I must have clicked "send". Sorry. I have some questions for you, which of course you don't have to answer. You don't want to get better; you just want to die but aren't suicidal. So you are depressed. Are you on an antidepressant? If not, why not?

How long have you felt this way? Do you have reasons why you don't want to live? Why don't you want to get better, in other words?

Is it possible that you are seeing the wrong Ts? I do not think it's a waste of money or the T's time if you go just to be there. I think part of you DOES want to feel better, and eventually you will trust the right T. My T has said that just talking helps some people. I will extend that to just being there with someone who cares can help too. I like to be in my T's presence; she calms me down. Can you get a referral to someone else who knows your situation beforehand? PLEASE don't give up just because you feel the way you do now.

Perhaps you could suspend judgement around wanting to get better or not, and let yourself have that experience of having someone sit with you and see where that goes. It sounds like this is something you want and it is okay to want that. It is your foremost need at the moment

Paying for hope and to have a focal point is definitely not selfish. Indeed, there are some therapists who believe that hope is, at least for some clients, one of the most important thing they can give.

Possibly this forum can help give you some hope and a focal point.

It sounds like you are working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist, and that that is not a good match for you. Possibly a client-centered or interpersonal or client-directed (if you can find one) therapist would be a better fit for you.

Also, another perspective that has often been helpful for me, is to think in terms of what I need to do, not in terms of what I do or don't want to do. (I don't mean to imply that what the therapist asks you to do is necessarily what you need -- I believe that therapists are sometimes misguided.)

To me, there are two sides to this...

The first would be stop going because it's very expensive and maybe you need some time to decide that you want to get better.

The other side - the one I tend to go with in your situation - is keep going. It took me almost 3 full years to start getting any benefit from therapy. While this isn't the norm, sometimes it just takes time to be ready to really do work. For me, I was at a place where I just wasn't ready to do work.. but I knew I needed someone. It's ok to just need someone even though you're not making any measurable progress because you are still absorbing and becoming more self-aware. Judging by my experiences (and yes, I'm only one person) I'd say that eventually something is going to change and you're going to want to make progress.

Honestly, a good starting point is to have this conversation with your T.

Sometimes you don't have to believe in the process for it to work. Even if you don't WANT to be in therapy, as long as you're honest with your T about it, that could be a starting point.

i don't think it matters if you want to get better. Change can be scary. I didn't want to get better at first and was seeing a cbt therapist, she couldn't see how she helped me so gave up and kicked me out of therapy. then when i had no support i tried desperatly to find someone who cared if i was alive. I found a therapist. She helped a lot. Its up 2 u what u do. But cbt doesn't sound helpful for you either.

Thank you everyone for your comments - I really appreciate them and your advice about what to do because I am at such a crossroads now.

Same thing with the medication as with therapy - yes, I have it - but I only take a minimal amount (just enough so I can pull through each day) vs what I am allowed to take per day because I don't want to be happy. It feels like taking pills just to make me artificially happy isn't right.

I have felt this way for almost 30 years now and where i am today, it is just too messy, too complicated and I can't fix any of it. I just don't have what it takes to fix it (which is further supported by the fact that had I been able to fix everything, I would have done it by now as I have been struggling for almost three decades and it only keeps getting worse and messier, never any better).

I don't know. I really don't know. And it rips my heart out each time I have to leave a T when I have failed at therapy and have to quit. Even when things aren't working at all with a T, they are still the most important person in my life and having to give them up and lose them causes me unbearable pain. (I have had several across the years)

I have a secondary T I kind of still talk to - he uses the client centered therapy approach that was mentioned (which I think is new for me vs past T's) along with CBT. But I am thinking I should just give up with him too, rather than be selfish and waste his time when I am more interested in giving up and being resigned to failure than doing what it takes to be "happy".

I admire how so many of you are working so hard in therapy (as per the other threads) - and how you can be open and honest with your T's and how you really do want to work through your issues and succeed. My hat goes off to all of you - you are very strong and brave.

Why don't you want to be happy? Why don't you want to 'get better'?

What is your definition of getting better? If you are using someone else's definition, I think it could make perfect sense to not want to get better, since getting better might be being defined as getting closer to how someone else wishes you to be, not how you wish to be.

I have no desire to get better as some people might define it.

What would you like from therapy? How would you like to feel different than how you feel right now? How might therapy possibly help you do that?

(((((Thimble )))) My dear girl...I love you...and I think you DO have this sliver of hope, I can see it in you. I really can. I think there is this hope that you CAN get better and you CAN have a life worth living. You are very insightful, compassionate, funny, lovable, loving toward others, caring, sensitive and very, very kind.

My feeling is, my instinct tells me that there are such deep and painful issues, that if you could find it in yourself to trust, to actively TRY to trust a therapist, you could do it. Maybe work on trust and the reasons it is so hard for you in the beginning. to do it in the office with a therapist. I know you will say no way. But, oh, my dear, dear friend, I KNOW you want to have a more peaceful life and feel better. You CAN I know you can. You are SO full of life. YOU too CAN be brave and open.

Can you take even small, baby steps toward being open with a therapist. I agree, maybe the one you are with isnt for you, but can you try again. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain

if therapy was the one hour in the whole 168hrs of your week where you felt better (not necessarily "got" better), then i certainly think it's an investment worth making. and i'm sure that any therapist worth their salt would be honoured to share that one hour with you.

as for 'getting' better, i have struggled with this on and off at various points in my therapy. sometimes what has helped had just been accepting that, at the point i am right now, i dont want to get better. but maybe in 6 months time it might change. maybe in 6 months (or a year, or 3 or 30) i might have the energy to try to make meaningful change again. i've had therapists who have validated that sense of resignation (and stubborness ) for me, and it's helped me feel more accepted and like i had somewhere safe to just be me.

my therapist has set me homework at various points that i would be embarrassed to tell my friends (but i will you folk here on PC). one of them was to have a shower at least once a week and get out of the pjs i'd been wearing for the past week. another was to brush my hair every morning. we even had to agree to how often i would brush my teeth (for shame! ). of course, none of these were going to make me stop being depressed, but they might help me feel a tiny bit better from moment to moment.

i wonder if you can let go of this idea that therapy requires you to 'get better'. maybe you can just shift your focus to making life a tiny bit more bearable even though you're depressed?

It is just that there is nothing I want from life that makes it worthwhile having to endure all my issues (or go through what it would take to resolve them). For me, the benefits of what I could potentially get from life do not outweigh the costs. I know that sounds terrible and I should be thankful or the life I have been given and live it to the fullest.

I have had therapists state what you guys have said - that is ok for me just to go - that I don't have to feel obligated to make all these changes to justify being there - that it will come with time, when I'm ready....but then they turn around and DO want me to try to do things (that I can't do) and to change and aim for things and take steps towards the future...and pressure me. When all I want to do is make it through today. And then tomorrow. And then the next. I don't have long term goals because I just want to make it through each long day that lasts forever.

And I admit I DO want you all to tell me it is ok - that I can still go but I know in my heart it is wrong. And every time I go back and try again, I know it will just lead to a broken heart when I fail and can't do what they expect of me and have to give up another T that I have become so dependent on...

Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, how nice to hear from someone else who also took a long time before they started enjoying the benefits of therapy. I am on two years, and it sometimes feels like nothing has changed. I get frustrated ALL the time. It is hard, but for some reason I keep going.

Sorry to come into the discussion late - I was deciding on whether or not to reply as it's sort of a touchy subject for me at times.

This is something I worry about with my therapy. At times, I wonder what my motivation to get better is. What do I want from life exactly? I do know why I keep going back to T, though. For me, a lot of it is being heard, just having someone who sees the things that others don't, such as my anxiety and need to feel cared for by others. So I ask myself, do I even want to get better, or do I just want to have someone to tell all my crap to?. I worry that T is getting tired of me - it's like I'm "stuck". Not getting worse, not getting better. I'm just "here".

Does any of this make sense at all? Interesting thread.

Trust yourself, Thimble. If you don't feel you want to get better - take as much time as you need but stay in therapy. Your therapist should not be pressuring you. There can be a lot of reasons why it might feel "unsafe" to get better.

You may want to shift focus of your therapy from "getting better" (becoming "happy") to something like "doing OK where I am right now".

The whole idea of being perky and happy as a standard for a "healthy" person (as in antidepressants commercials) is ridiculous anyway.

Sure you can go. It's your life and your time, and you can choose to do what you want with it. It can be your recreation, if that's what you want from it. Some people go on cruises, some people go to therapy. Therapy's expensive, but people spend lots more on things that are far more problematic.

This statement just struck me as fairly significant, so I pulled it into quotes. Not really sure how to respond to it, except to say I noticed it.

My T says that therapy can be many things, and I certainly have gone through times when I did not do therapy -- just went because I was massively attached, and just couldn't bear not being with her. She accepted this. I've also dropped out for long periods. People need different things at different times.

You don't have to go to therapy if you don't want to. You can go if you choose to.

You seem pulled in both directions. Does that seem like what's going on for you?

-Far

When I read this it sounded to me like you were feeling overwhelmed with the work. Like you said, pressured. Tell your T that it's too much. That you are just trying to make it through the day. That you need to step back, slow down and just work on something small. Even if that means just getting out of bed and getting dressed today. Work on just that. Focus on today.

When I first started therapy I really didn't want to be there. And I told my T that. Told him that I can't change stuff, it doesn't matter blah, blah, blah... One day my T asked me what am I doing besides taking my meds regularly to feel better. I got a bit irritated. (I thought he was asking me if I was self medicating again) He then asked what are you doing for YOU. Am I doing something, anything just for me. It was at this moment I realized that I wanted to get better because I blurted out, "I am here with you". He said "exactly". "You are here with me, even though it takes all you've got to just to sit on that couch, you are here with me."

Each time you go to your session you are working on you. You are doing something just for you. It may not seem like much to you, but the way I see it, that in itself is huge! Therapy isn't easy. And you may feel like you're wasting time or money but you aren't. YOU are worth every last penny.

OMG - this instantly brings tears to my eyes each time I read it. And pulls my mind to one specific T - actually the only one I still kind of have in my life. I could picture him saying that. Or maybe more correctly, I wish that I could have a conversation like this with him.

this really resonated with me. I told my T about a certain part of my life that is out of control- she may have known it but not how much till now - and that I had an idea that I might work on it.

She said, because it bothers your DH, or because it bothers you?
I said, I guess more because it bothers him - but it never used to bother me at all, until I started seeing you.

The silence was deafening. Neither one of us looked at the other, or moved, or breathed, you could have counted to ten. I think I finally found evidence of progress. Five seconds before that I would have probably said there was none.

You are brave, Thimble, you have good help, and you are doing well. Hang in there.

SAWE- This is really interesting to me. OMG! I have tolerated so much from myself and from my husband. On some level, I knew this or that made me a little uncomfortable- my behaior, his behavior, but since getting back into therapy, these things bother me A LOT. A real lot. I am working on these particular things, but at times I feel like I am feeling my way around in the dark.

Was there silence because you became more aware of your true feelings?

Thimble- I do believe you have made a lot of progress and that there is a lot of life for you to live. Can you GO and have a conversation like that with him? I KNOW, I KNOW you CAN! You know what has worked in the past for me when I have to do something really, really difficult? Bookend with phone calls. Call someone before you go in and then after. Call...someone....ahem.....

You CAN definitely have this conversation with him. So many of us have had hard conversations with T and not even looked him in the eye, just talked. What do you think?

You can have this with your T. If I can make a connection with my T even though I was fighting it all the way I know you can too. Maybe you need to start over with a new T. Get a fresh start, and be straight up with how you feel.

Please don't give up on finding happiness.

You hit the nail right on the head I want to want to give up and surrender but some part of me just won't let go of life (and therapy) despite how much I want to.

I hear you Blue - loud and clear.

Everyone has made such helpful comments - thank you. You have given me a lot to think about when trying to decide where to go from here.

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I spent about 6 years with my T not really wanting to get better. I just wanted to be with her more than wanting to do anything to change. Thinking back on it, she let me do that for all of those years before telling me that it wasn't ethical for me to keep seeing her if I wasn't progressing and just wanted to feel good with her. But I needed those 6 years to reach a point where I did want to grow up and become independent from her. It wasn't wasted time. I wasn't ready before then.