I'm sorry

I'm in such a crappy place. I don't know what to do. I'm grasping, and I don't know if I am making mistakes.

I have physical symptoms AGAIN, after spending September and October so sick. That scares me. Whenever we get deep deep in the CSA stuff, the physical stuff starts.

I've e-mailed with T AND talked to him on the phone today. I feel like that's it, I don't get any more T until my next appt (tues). He didn't say that, but I understand that there are limits.

I TOLD MY H ABOUT THE CSA. And a friend. Both. Todsay. I HAVDE NEVER TODL ANYEON IN REALLIFE ABOU TIT EVER.

im scared

I didnt know what else to do

i feel dirty and exposedand scared

And i e-mailed old teacher t to see if shecould help. anyone who was here last winter knows that is crazy, but i don'tknow. i know she is so good with energy work

i'm scared, and crying, and lonely and trying so hard not to wall off and to reach out, but i don't know ifi'mdoing the right thing reaching out or making big mistakes
someone please tell me what to do

[theave]

I haven't been here very long but I have read some of your posts so I hope you don't mind me replying. It is bound to feel very scary having talked to people in real life about something so hard - I hope they are supporting you, and please let them in to do so. In the long run I really hope this will help you but just now it is all overwhelming - do you have some soothing coping strategies that you can use now? A bath, listening to music, some time with your husband? Please look after yourself and let people here help you too - you seem to have a lot of friends here who care what happens to you

[lifelesstraveled]

(((treehouse)))

reaching out is always a good thing. You told your friend and H--this will probably help them to understand you a little more.

at this point i dont have any advice to give, but to take care of yourself...if you have some time (i know you have a house full of kids) make some tea, curl up with a blanket and watch a movie. I'd suggest going out for a walk (cuz i kno you like being outside)...but im not sure what the weather is like where you are, where I am it's freezing and i'd sure enough would rather NOT be outside with the biting winter air...

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree)))) I think it is a very postive step that you reached out to H and to your friend. How did they react? I think that is important, too. Personally, I did not have a good experience telling a close friend about the csa, the only friend I told (at that time, I have another friend I shared it with), but I understand very well now (I processed that with dt) why and am not terribly upset about it anymore. But your husband can be a very comforting source of support. He loves you, he lives with you and shares your life with you. I wonder what other people will say? For me, its unfortunate, but you have to be careful who you disclose what to when it comes to the deeper, traumatic childhood stuff.

It is SO incredibly difficult to go through this trauma work and it takes a long time to process. I spoke with ftt on the phone today (IM not going to hijack your thread!) but she reassured me how long and painful the process can be and not to place too much pressure on myself to be exactly as I was before this processing began. I feel strong feelings. And fear and anger and sadness.

I KNOW, dear Tree, that you feel exposed, you are releasing your secrets. You are doing it.....this is it. I dont see any mistakes. Reach out here, we are all here to listen and love you

Originally Posted by treehouse

I'm sorry

I'm in such a crappy place. I don't know what to do. I'm grasping, and I don't know if I am making mistakes.

I have physical symptoms AGAIN, after spending September and October so sick. That scares me. Whenever we get deep deep in the CSA stuff, the physical stuff starts.

I've e-mailed with T AND talked to him on the phone today. I feel like that's it, I don't get any more T until my next appt (tues). He didn't say that, but I understand that there are limits.

I TOLD MY H ABOUT THE CSA. And a friend. Both. Todsay. I HAVDE NEVER TODL ANYEON IN REALLIFE ABOU TIT EVER.

im scared

I didnt know what else to do

i feel dirty and exposedand scared

And i e-mailed old teacher t to see if shecould help. anyone who was here last winter knows that is crazy, but i don'tknow. i know she is so good with energy work

i'm scared, and crying, and lonely and trying so hard not to wall off and to reach out, but i don't know ifi'mdoing the right thing reaching out or making big mistakes
someone please tell me what to do

Does your T know you've just told both your H and your friend? That's a really big step and he has to know it's hard for you and that he might need to provide extra support at the moment. Where are your H or your friend? Can you reach out to them?

I'm sure you're feeling scared and other things at the moment. I think sharing with your H is the right thing in the long term -- I know if my partner had something so important in their lives that was still affecting them so much, I would want to know, but I understand that it's a scary step. I hope your H can support you right now.

You've done lots of difficult things before, talked about lots of scary things (I've read your posts, I know you have!), and you've gotten through it to the other side. You can get through this, too...take it one step at a time...be safe and be strong.

[googley]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I'm sorry

I'm in such a crappy place. I don't know what to do. I'm grasping, and I don't know if I am making mistakes.

I have physical symptoms AGAIN, after spending September and October so sick. That scares me. Whenever we get deep deep in the CSA stuff, the physical stuff starts.

I've e-mailed with T AND talked to him on the phone today. I feel like that's it, I don't get any more T until my next appt (tues). He didn't say that, but I understand that there are limits.

I TOLD MY H ABOUT THE CSA. And a friend. Both. Todsay. I HAVDE NEVER TODL ANYEON IN REALLIFE ABOU TIT EVER.

im scared

I didnt know what else to do

i feel dirty and exposedand scared

And i e-mailed old teacher t to see if shecould help. anyone who was here last winter knows that is crazy, but i don'tknow. i know she is so good with energy work

i'm scared, and crying, and lonely and trying so hard not to wall off and to reach out, but i don't know ifi'mdoing the right thing reaching out or making big mistakes
someone please tell me what to do

(((((Tree)))))
There is no need to apologize!!!!!
You did something so big and scary. You trusted your H and friend to be able to hear about what happened to you. That is such a big thing. I know you had thought about telling your H in the past. That is so big that you did it. Can you ask him for support also along with T? I know that I can feel vulnerable and naked when I share something new and with T I feel the same way. I can definitely see how you would feel that way after sharing with your H and friend. That is totally normal. I know when I told my parents about being SAed (I know it isn't quite the same) I was so scared and felt so vulnerable. All I wanted to do was hide. Your feelings are normal.

Please let us know how you are doing. We are here to support you.

[mixedup_emotions]

What strength you had to take that HUGE, HUGE step!!! It must be SO scary....I admire your strength. I have not been able to expose any of the CSA stuff to ANYONE in my family...

You are feeling vulnerable which I am sure is expected.....but please be kind to yourself, take some deep breaths and know that you are STRONG to have taken that step. SO SO STRONG.

(( HUGS ))

[jexa]

(((((Tree))))) I am sorry things are so hard.. don't apologize, it's healthy to reach out here, and we are here to help and to support you when we can, like you support us when you can.

And I am SO proud of you for reaching out to people in RL!! I am sure T is going to be SO incredibly proud!! Did you tell him? How did your H and your friend react? Were they supportive?

This is so hard.. I am sure you are having a hard time, but you are so strong that you were able to disclose -- you knew it was time to tell the people who love you most. Oh but it is still so hard to be exposed.. and that exposure is in RL now, not just locked away in T's sacred room.

You are strong. Drink tea, journal, call your T, get a massage, breathe, color with your boys, practice good self-care. Just a reminder, tree, to take gentle care.

[MINIME]

I have learned along the way that just because you feel bad doesnt mean its bad. Feeling bad is part of feeling better. I know that sounds to easy and stupid and when your in it it makes no sense. But therapy and opening old wounds will do that to you. They hurt they feel bad and your response is to try and stop it now. But I have learned that the way through it is just to let it do what it has to do. Keep talking wriing whatever you need to. No matter how small or stupid you may feel it is talk write cry color whatever. I know. Shut up minime. But I have been there a million times,

You are all so nice. It feels impossible to make it through this. But I will.

Thanks for the reminders to be gentle with me. In the past, if I felt even REMOTELY like this, I would cut or binge/purge or drink or take pills or do WHATEVER IT TOOK to change how I felt. Tonight I typed here and DRAGGED myself to AA and then came home and read your messages and popped popcorn for me and my youngest and watched a movie on the couch with him. That seems like progress when I write it down.

It's scary to feel this bad. T says feelings are information, not emergencies. T says "How you feel right now is NOT who you ARE".

I can't believe I told my H and my friend. And I just e-mailed a T I worked with last year for meditation instruction and told her. I don't know what I am doing. It's like the final frontier- I want to be seen and heard and believed and understood. I want to get mad at the people who hurt me and the people who turned a blind eye to some REALLY obvious stuff. Maybe I know that the people who love me will be mad FOR me? Maybe I need to see how someone besides T reacts. Maybe I want to see if anyone still loves me if they know how gross and dirty and disgusting I really am. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I'm not up to reading other threads right now, and I'm sorry, because I like to a supporter more than a supportEE. Hopefully, this too shall pass

[googley]

((((((Tree))))
It is perfectly fine that you need to take time for yourself. We are here to support you. You do such a wonderful job of supporting everyone else here. You deserve support too when you need it. We all go through periods when we need to pull back and be supported and that is totally okay.

[velcro003]

Oh, Tree!!!

To me this is just AMAZING, AMAZING progress!!! I don't write much to your posts because you are going through some crazy deep stuff that I really can't relate to. BUT, I read every single word you write. Your courage is astounding. Your strength. Your willingness to reach out even if it frightens you. Do you realize how STRONG that is?

It doesn't feel strong, I know...but I am practically grinning here thinking about how you are telling all these people. I HOPE that they DO get mad for you! They should! If I had anyone close to me in my life disclose anything related to CSA, I would want rage. Rage at the unfairness placed upon my loved one. Rage at the person(s) that did this to them. Rage at the loss of innocence. Rage that these things even happen. TO ANYONE.

Just keep reaching out. You obviously trust your husband and your friend to know they will not revolt in disgust. I am assuming they didn't.

Please stay here and be the supportee for once. You said yourself that you take on too much with other people's problems. I love to help support as well...and it also helps to take your mind off your problems, which can be beneficial--IF you don't stretch yourself too thin.

Follow your gut. It is doing the right thing. I am so happy and proud of you, and I don't 'even know you!

[ECHOES]

Maybe I want to see if anyone still loves me if they know how gross and dirty and disgusting I really am.

It is complex...a lot of maybe's. And what if's.

It sounds like you are wondering if others will view you negatively, like you view yourself when you are thinking about the CSA. What if you tell them and they react like you do? What if they don't? That can intensify the internal experience, and can feel like something is about to happen, something is impending.

I am mad FOR you. And I hear you. And I still see you as the wonderful caring person you are and always have been.

[BlueMoon6]

I just want to tell you something I think you already know. I relate to every word, every word and that is how I operate as well.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Thanks for the reminders to be gentle with me. In the past, if I felt even REMOTELY like this, I would cut or binge/purge or drink or take pills or do WHATEVER IT TOOK to change how I felt. Tonight I typed here and DRAGGED myself to AA and then came home and read your messages and popped popcorn for me and my youngest and watched a movie on the couch with him. That seems like progress when I write it down.

You will make it through this, Tree, I know you will. And you will come out the other side with the experience to draw on for future times of how you made it through this. You know how much I can relate to all of the things we do to get away from our feelings, to escape in any way possible, but you didnt escape. You actually SAT with the feelings. Ftt told me when I called her yesterday that it takes so much, SO MUCH, mental energy and practice to sit with the feelings. She said that is the fallout of ptsd, the feelings and flashbacks that we live with as we do trauma work. You are getting exactly the practice that will heal your life- you hung out with your youngest, popped popcorn, watched a movie, it is progress...it is MORE! It is living life being you, with your story. As ftt said, with practice, these things and how to cope with the feelings will come naturally and easlily the more practice we have. And those feelings wont seem as large and overwhelming.

It's scary to feel this bad. T says feelings are information, not emergencies. T says "How you feel right now is NOT who you ARE".

I love this, I think about this from time to time. Our feelings are there to give us information, they are not emergencies...T is so wise

I can't believe I told my H and my friend. And I just e-mailed a T I worked with last year for meditation instruction and told her. I don't know what I am doing. It's like the final frontier- I want to be seen and heard and believed and understood. I want to get mad at the people who hurt me and the people who turned a blind eye to some REALLY obvious stuff. Maybe I know that the people who love me will be mad FOR me? Maybe I need to see how someone besides T reacts. Maybe I want to see if anyone still loves me if they know how gross and dirty and disgusting I really am. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I think you will get positive responses all around. You are opening yourself up to the safest people you know so you can be YOU. It is brave, it is healing, it is the path to life.....it IS the final frontier...its as if the light there at the end of the tunnel is in front of you, not far away, but a glimmer that you can see if you squint and keep walking forward.
It makes me angry, too, at not just the perpetrators, but at those that turned a blind eye. In your life and in my own. How very, very healing to see how others react to you, Tree as Tree. People who are NOT therapists in a theraputic relationship with you. And have you seen how they love you? How much they care? And they dont see how dirty and disgusting you are, do they? Isnt it nice? To feel how they love you?

I told a friend of mine, a long time friend, and the friendship soon ended, for other reasons, but very definitely the reasons included the csa stories. I thought I had made a mistake, but I actually learned a lot about our friendship and processed it with dt. So, it wasnt the mistake I thought it was. I then told another friend who turned out to be a wonderful, supportive, close friends, like a sister. And I know now what it is to share and be heard and loved. ANd accepted. She was angry at my father, but loved me and does not see me as dirty and disgusting. She is a close friend. I have another close friend who tells me her therapy stuff, but if I am inclined, I might share a little with her.

I'm not up to reading other threads right now, and I'm sorry, because I like to a supporter more than a supportEE. Hopefully, this too shall pass

Im glad you are being the supportee You always give everyone the most thoughtful responses and give so muchof yourself and your experience to everyone here. Its wonderful to see you getting the support the you need and that you give so freely to everyone here

Hugs and love, my dear friend This too shall pass.....

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I'm sorry
i'm scared, and crying, and lonely and trying so hard not to wall off and to reach out, but i don't know ifi'mdoing the right thing reaching out or making big mistakes
someone please tell me what to do

I think it's good that you are reaching out to people! Don't worry about making mistakes. It would be scary if you are used to keeping stuff to yourself and dealing alone. My t always says that I need to have other people in my life to reach out to besides her. It's good to have support from others as well, even if it's not the same as T.

And It's great that you did not SI and instead used other coping skills to get through!

[zooropa]

tree, you are AMAZING. thank you so much for coming here and sharing this with us. You say that you "like to be a supportER more than a supportEE" but you are giving me so much hope and courage, by reading what you are going through. Knowing that if you can do it, maybe I can, too. Knowing I'm not the only one going through this ***** right now.
You CAN do it. You ARE doing it. I'm so proud of you.

[FooZe]

tree sometimes supports us by letting us support her. My idea of how good relationships should work.

[rainbow8]

(((((tree))))),

I admire you very, very much. You're working so hard and you're an inspiration to so many others. You are not a taker; you give so much to PC. It's all right to take a break and not read or answer others right now.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

someone please tell me what to do

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
-Max Ehrmann

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
-Max Ehrmann

...................

THANK YOU SO MUCH. It has helped so so much over the past couple of days to be able to come here and read these responses.

Some of you asked how H and my friend reacted. H said that he kind of "knew". I felt scared that he thought I was yucky, etc...and I made him kind of hang out with me for a while so I could see if he acted any different towards me, but I think everything is okay with him. I think I'm glad I told him. I didn't tell him ANY details - ages, what happened, who it was,etc....just that it happened. That's enough.

And my friend just responded with "I love you". Which turned out to be just the right response.

I think I am climbing out of the hole for now. Minime is right, I think. We DO have to feel these bad feelings as part of healing. It just sucks!

I am working on staying very very very present. Aromatherapy is helping...I have a burner going all the time, and when I feel myself not being present, I can focus on the smell and bring myself back to THIS moment.

I see T on Tuesday. Honestly, I'm scared to go...I don't want to go back to the scary dark place I know I don't *have* to.

I think right now, I'll just focus on being here, now, and worry about Tuesday on Tuesday.

Thank you SO MUCH for helping me.

[BlueMoon6]

I am SO relieved, Tree. I know that feeling of not wanting to go to T to b/c you will go back to that place again

But you can see that there is dark...and there is light....dark and light and dark and light.....and I think, the light days outnumber the dark days....

Tree, just wanted to give you many, many hugs. Can't post much now, but I am so thrilled to see you at this final frontier! You are amazing and an inspiration!!! (((((( Tree ))))))

[Simcha]

(((((((((((((((TREEHOUSE))))))))))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by treehouse

You are all so nice. It feels impossible to make it through this. But I will.

Thanks for the reminders to be gentle with me. In the past, if I felt even REMOTELY like this, I would cut or binge/purge or drink or take pills or do WHATEVER IT TOOK to change how I felt. Tonight I typed here and DRAGGED myself to AA and then came home and read your messages and popped popcorn for me and my youngest and watched a movie on the couch with him. That seems like progress when I write it down.

I think of unhealthy things to do when I feel upset from time to time, but I resist them. Yes, even me. Even though I am not an addict and am not a self harmer and am do not have an EDO...And what's more is that I have extremely easy access to the things that I resist when those thoughts cross my mind. Like T says---"FEELINGS ARE INFORMATION, NOT EMERGENCIES". Damn snookie.

It's scary to feel this bad. T says feelings are information, not emergencies. T says "How you feel right now is NOT who you ARE".

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. All true. And pretty damn normal.

I can't believe I told my H and my friend. And I just e-mailed a T I worked with last year for meditation instruction and told her. I don't know what I am doing. It's like the final frontier- I want to be seen and heard and believed and understood. I want to get mad at the people who hurt me and the people who turned a blind eye to some REALLY obvious stuff.

Maybe I know that the people who love me will be mad FOR me? Maybe I need to see how someone besides T reacts. Maybe I want to see if anyone still loves me if they know how gross and dirty and disgusting I really am. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Your T is a normal person, and pretty much mirrors what people in the "real world" who are not severely dysfunctional think about the horror of all types of abuse across the spectrum. Believe me, people are pissed! Those that are not are in denial and as such are dysfunctional.

I'm one of the pissed ones . But but but... I don't let it consume me.

I'm not up to reading other threads right now, and I'm sorry, because I like to a supporter more than a supportEE. Hopefully, this too shall pass

Always does pass, and if dealt with in positive ways, leaves us a little bit stronger than before. This is a slow process, so be patient with yourself if you don't see instant magical changes in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors right away...
SAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[peaches100]

((((((Treehouse))))))

You took such a HUGE step! I know it's scary, but it's such progress! Now you are having the opportunity to tell your truth and be validated for all that you've gone through. I have so much admiration for your strength and courage!