Wanting to find T's house

I know something is seriously wrong with me. I am struggling with the urge to drive by Kt's house. I even printed out Map Quest directions. After she told me she was scared that I looked her up, the last thing I want to do is scare her some more. Plus, it scares ME that I'm having trouble controlling this urge. It HURTS not to do it. That's crazy, I know.

So, why do I want to see where she lives? Bt's office was in her home, so I didn't have this problem. But I drove by my other Ts houses, too. I will probably be jealous of her house, so I don't know why I would want to do that to myself. I think it's because I want to be part of her life. I want it to be more than "she's my T and I pay her to help me." When I think it's that way, I want to die. I am so confused about my feelings. It's like I'm sicker than I want to believe. I honestly feel like I lead a double life. I'm some kind of stalker, and she has reason to be afraid of me.

What would you do if you found her house? How often would you drive by? Would you do anything more than drive by?

I think about where my T lives too, and wish I could visit her there. I have dreamed that I lived by her, and really would like her to be a part of my every day life. If I knew her home address, maybe I would be tempted to drive by and see where she lives. It's probably normal to think about it. The important thing is, where would it stop? That's where it can become a problem.

You know actually doing this would be wrong and would be very uncomfortable for your t if she was aware of it, so this comes down to a choice. That's not really that difficult, is it? Choice A (semi-stalkerish) or Choice B (showing and practicing good and respectful boundaries.)

Thanks for replying, Rapunzel. I think I would only do it once, just to see. Years ago, I used to watch a former T in her office because it was accessible from one of my doctor's offices. That went too far, because I sometimes went there when I didn't have a reason to be in the other building. I've never done anything like that again. I don't want to be a stalker; I just want to see where she lives.

farmergirl, I know choice B is respectful but.....I don't know.

(((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))

Can you just allow yourself to wish that you could be a bigger part of T's life without judging yourself so much? I think that is a VERY common thing for people in therapy...many people here (including me) have said at one time or another that they wish for that.

As for driving by her house. What if you just don't do it? It truly is within your control. I know where my T lives, and I used to have really strong urges to drive by his house, but I never have. He lives on the other side of town, and I actually have gone out of my way to drive through that side of town occasionally, just to be in the world that he lives in. I didn't look for T, etc...just drove that route to a friend's house on the other side of T's side of town. I really DO understand the desire.

What if instead of fighting with yourself, you let yourself obsess about KT for a certain amount of time? A couple of times when I felt obsessive, I laid down on my bed and MADE myself think about T for 15 minutes. When my mind wandered, I had to bring it back to T. I imagined him driving, shopping, running, whatever. When the 15 minutes were over I was SO DONE.

I don't know if any of that helps...just know that you don't HAVE to drive by her house. You can get through it, and the urge will get smaller. hang in there.

I told her at the session where I said I looked her up online, that I go by all my Ts houses. Maybe I should tell her I have the urge to do it because that might stop me from doing it. Otherwise, I will obsess about it. It's important; it's what I'm working on, so I think I have to tell her and not drive by. "The only way out is through." It's not about the boundaries--well, maybe it is. It's about my problem, why I can't quit therapy, and what I want from the T. I can't help it.

Rainbow, I think you have more power than you think.

tree: thank you. But, what is so terrible about going to see the neighborhood just to see what it looks like? Bt and one other T had therapy IN their houses, so why can't I drive by Kt's house just once?

I will try obsessing about her for 15 minutes. I probably do it already, for more than that, but not constantly. I know Bt suggested I do that about worrying, so it must be a good technique.

I want to be part of her life like I want to be part of all my Ts lives. I wasn't going to post this, but I will anyway. My insight for the week: If I stay in therapy forever, is it like my mother never died?

I'm going so deep in this therapy. I feel like I'm going to die or be healed, and I don't want to die.

You said that you thought it would scare her. To ME, it just feels like crossing a boundary, and I hate the feeling of being scared, so I wouldn't want to scare someone else.

I don't want to scare Kt. I don't "want to" want to drive by her house and cross boundaries. Do you think it's okay to talk about it with her, though? She said I could talk about anything with her, and when I told her about looking her up, she said she was glad I told her. She said she does not want to get rid of me. The boundary crossing would be doing it, but talking about it is part of my therapy, isn't it?

Rainbow, I’m in the minority here. I don't think it's strange to want to do or to actually do.

I've done it with one T long ago. I kept it under control--though wrried about it and felt guilty all the time--and did it surreptitiously enough when I did so that she'd never have known (and didn’t)--middle of the night, or work hours once or twice when she wouldn't have been there. I didn't linger or stop. The urge faded away, but I did it periodically over a couple of years after agonizing about it for a long time. That was pre-internet. I moved away for 3 years, came back, and saw her for 5 years of intense therapy. Never drove by upon returning, never even looked her up to find out where she lived--that was post-internet.

It doesn't mean you're screwed up. I've heard of many people doing that. I don't think a casual drive by is stalking, if it's not a pattern. Stopping and hanging around, trying to see her, or be seen by her, would be.

For as common as it is for people to look up their T's on-line--who doesn't do that to everyone these days?--and for how a simple, casual drive-by (once) is, I'm very surprised that you're T is worried. Unless there's more to your history with it that you told her but not us (have you done things to interfere with any of your T's lives? shown up at their door), I think she has a problem with being so worried.

It can easily get out of hand, but it can also happen, be relatively controlled, and then be something you get beyond feeling an urge to do as with me.

It's most important that you talk with her about your feelings and fears about it. Not doing at all even once would be ideal, but if the urge overtakes you, you're not doing something far out of the ordinary. If you do and it bothers her greatly (and it's the simple variety), that's a comment on her limits as a T.

What about looking on google maps at street level so you can see what the house looks like? Then you don't actually have to go there. And it's not like you will be looking at a live feed either, these things are just captured still images.

I agree with others about talking about it but not doing it. Some part of you is an adult who can put herself in your T's shoes. I am sure if you do that you will see why crossing that boundary would not be a good idea.

It is good that you are getting in touch with the young needy parts of yourself, but all kids need boundaries in order to be happy and healthy. Your T sets boundaries, but it is up to your adult self to help your kid self get used to them. No is not any kid's favourite word, but it is one they definitely need to hear.

rainbow8, I can understand your curiosity. It is like other things we are curious about when it comes to our T.

But I think you will not feel good about yourself if you do this.

It is like when a person is dieting, and they talk themselves into having something not on the diet because they are craving it. They usually feel unhappy with themselves afterwards.

Could you instead, write or draw about your curiosity, about what you imagine her house would be like and why you imagine it that way?

Rainbow ~

Wanting to drive by your T's house to feel closer to them is not in and of itself a terrible thing. The thing is though, you know you wouldn't be driving through "just to see the neighborhood". You know you'd actually be driving through to find your T's house.

So other T's of yours have held therapy out of their homes. That was obviously okay with them and they felt that they were secure doing this. They had boundaries in place to protect themselves and felt comfortable treating out of their home.

Your current T does not share that same security and chooses to NOT practice out of her home, which is her right. For you to know that it has already made her uncomfortable to look her up....and still be considering violating T's boundaries she has in place for her own comfort and security is not okay.

You're not just passing through....you are violating your T's boundaries having to do with trust and privacy. Boundaries which she obviously cares about. The therapist/client relationship is based on trust. When you violate her PERSONAL boundaries, she can't trust you.

Why would you want to give her a reason to fear you? Is this a way of sabotaging your relationship with her....to protect yourself from having to work through your own issues?

rainbow, I understand this, too. I think it was really brave of you to tell her that you looked her up online. I would not be that brave.

I was going to suggest exactly what ripley did, what if you looked at it on google maps? You can get some idea of the neighborhood and the view or whatever, without crossing the physical boundary. Because I think you know that driving by her house *would* be crossing a boundary. I'm not saying that it's a boundary for everyone, but your T already told you she was scared that you looked her up.

Maybe try looking it up in google maps and see if the internal pressure and pain you feel lets up any?

Yes, talking about it with her would be fine, unless she tells you otherwise, but you are right - if you have a pattern and obsessive thoughts, talking about it is part of your therapy. It is also true that it you acknowledge out loud to someone that you feel like doing something, you are much less likely to do it than if you keep those thoughts secret. Your T may actually be more comfortable with having you talk about what you are thinking than with not knowing where you are with those thoughts.

(((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))

yes, absolutely, talk about it!

I have looked T up online and told him about it. He says I'm making sure I'm safe. I don't know if that's it exactly, but I *am* glad that I've talked to him about it. Secrets feel yucky to me.

I really don't think it's bad or unusual at all to WANT to drive by her house.

Does it not bother you enough that you already scared her, to respect her wishes and leave her private life alone?
Do you want to lose a T?

She has already been fairly clear about this issue and yet you are choosing to break the trust of the relationship and cause fear in your T.

While clients are normally curious about their T's lives, most are respectful about the boundaries that are set; and especially if the T already said they were scared by previous behaviors.

I would suggest you do some guided imagery imagining what it would be like driving by T's home. Or imagery about what it would be like going into T's home. I would also highly suggest that you do not do it, but talk to your T about the desire.

Rainbow, this is hard, I know. Are you afraid that if you drive by your T's house that you will never be able to stop? That is the only thing I'd really think about if I were you, because you know that you are worried about getting more and more obsessive about your T.

On another note, I'm with impatient, I don't believe its that wrong to drive by. I have by my T's house a few times. I actually don't know which one it is, but I know the road its on. It is a road I have driven many times before, so its not so weird that I'd be driving down it...but I don't want to "stalk" my T.

((((Rainbow)))) You got some really good responses. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but when I feel that kind of obsession and a compulsion to act out, it feels so impossible not to do what my compulsion is telling me to do.

I like that thinking through (T might be really scared) your actions might help you to not act out. And what has been said about boundaries and there is a professional "distance" she is entitled to.

Its amazing that you are able to get so deep with this therapist. Maybe in a way obsessing about her (and driving by her house) gives some sort of "control" over the relationship. And the difficult process. I think I have felt that way when I obsess about a therapist.

I went by one of my old PT's house once. It was just a curiosity thing. I think it put into perspective that my PT is human, has a life...is not just someone that helps me feel better. That was the first and only time I ever did that. I was anxious the entire time that he would be home and see me and call me a stalker. I have looked to see if old T's have pages on MySpace or Facebook, but never to the point where I found out about their friends or anything. Gosh, that makes me sound freakin' creepy!

The answers were all helpful because I see that I have a problem with boundaries that I need to talk about in therapy. I never liked "secrets" or information withheld from me, going right back to when kids in 5th grade would pass notes and I'd be left out.

So, what I did--thank you Ripley and Zooropa--is look at her house on Googlemaps. I didn't realize there was a street level view! I've just used Mapquest for directions. It did make the urge to actually drive by less, but I still feel a little guilty and I don't know if I will tell her what I did or not. She doesn't live in a "mansion" so I feel better about that. I wanted to know what kind of lifestyle she lived, and I'm somewhat relieved.

imapatient: I'm glad it worked out for you and you got over the urge to drive by your T's house. My T is not "so" worried. I had told her I didn't want her to be angry, and she said her feeling wasn't anger, but that she was scared, that I was crossing a boundary. It's because I looked up more than the average person would because I'm interested in genealogy. I understand why she would be scared.

ripley: I do see why it would be a boundary crossing and I know kids need to be told "no" but I still feel hurt inside. Maybe it goes back to feeling left out as a kid, and wanting to part of the cliques. Thanks for suggesting googlemaps!

ECHOES: I can still imagine what the inside of her house looks like, but that makes me feel sad. This is child stuff. When I do transference, I do it big-time, LOL.

Elysium: The problem is that this IS my issue. I can't get away from it. I know it's not about her, but it's about wanting to be with her. Transference. I have my work in therapy laid out for me.

zoo: I feel better! The urge is gone, but now I still feel like I crossed a boundary, but not as major of one than if I actually drove by her house. Thanks for suggesting googlemaps.

Rapunzel, now I have a new dilemma. Do I talk about wanting to drive past her house, and not tell her what I did, or maybe I will forget it and see how I feel. Seeing the house and neighborhood online satisfied my curiousity for now.

tree: I'll probably still talk about it, but I'm not sure I can say that I looked at the googlemaps. So, I probably shouldn't have done that either. I might say I'm afraid of crossing boundaries with her and talk about why I have these urges. Thanks for your help.

Moosetracks: Yes, it bothers me a lot! I don't want to lose my T. I know I will tell her about the urges that I have.

velcro: I'm not afraid I wouldn't stop doing more, but it might make me obsess more. I think the answer for me is to talk about it with her. I have to get to the bottom of it. I need to tell her how I feel. That's the crucial part, not whether I go by her house or not. At least that's what it seems like to me right now.

Just a thought- I was obsessed about desk-t's house (but I never did find out her address) too. Maybe also to see what kind of lifestyle she was living and if she really could relate to me. How did you get her address???
If you remember, I did stalk her office...at night when she wasnt there looking in the window. OY! How creepy is THAT?!

Blue: thanks for your response. Yes, it does feel like a compulsion but amazingly, looking at the image took away the compulsion to "go there" in person. I don't know. Maybe it's just as bad; I crossed a boundary but at least I didn't get in my car and drive there. It's not so far, but definitely not in my neighborhood. I have to think about whether it's a way to have some control over the relationship. This is my pattern, so it's important to find out why I do it. Kt says it's her job to figure it out, so I'm going to ask her!

onlymedid: Thanks for sharing your experience. You don't sound creepy to me!