[jexa]

I see my new T again on Thursday. I don't even know how I feel about it. I've always been one to look forward to therapy but I don't really look forward to seeing her.

I find her to be so much more distant and professional than my old T. My old T was so warm and motherly. Even after the second session I felt this profound sense of connection to her. She and I had a lot in common and she just "got" me. The new T does not feel this way and I don't see myself being able to open up to her about my past. She is not a nurturing presence. She's nice and everything, but she doesn't seem maternal. And somehow, I think I need that maternal presence. Or do I? Maybe I need to stop looking for a mom in therapy, but that's what I've always found before. This time I didn't find a mom. I found.. a neutral party, an impartial listener. She really seems like a blank slate to me. Maybe in time I will catch glimmers of her humanity but right now she doesn't even seem real. Do you guys think it's possible to open up to a T who seems distant and uber-professional? Did any of your T's start out very professional and then loosen up a few sessions in?

I miss my old T sooooo so so so so much right now. Oh my God every time I remember her it's like a knife in my heart, it hurts so much not to be able to see her again. I try all the time not to think about it but sometimes it catches me in the middle of everything and it feels like my heart stops beating and if I am around others I have to try my best not to just burst into tears. Right now as I am writing this I realize how much emotion I still am having over this, it's overwhelming. I can't believe she's gone. I feel like I don't have an anchor in this world anymore. Now I am just adrift in the world, floating, nothing to hold onto, no place to call home, no one to trust. How the hell am I supposed to start over with this new T who is just made of stone? I need comfort so much right now, but nothing brings me comfort.

I quit my chorus today because I'm going to be moving away before their next show anyway, so what's the point of rehearsing with them and paying my dues.. I am too scared to tell them or explain. I can't ever go back.

I just really don't feel okay right now at all, I feel this horrible sucking awful desperation, and I want it to go away so very much. It is overwhelming and makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like this is NEVER going to go AWAY like I am always always for the rest of my life going to be swimming in this awfulness that is in my head and it isn't going to get better, grad school is not going to be a cure, there is no cure for my desperation, it's lasted my whole life no matter what situation I am in. I want to grasp at anything at all that will change this way that I am feeling. I feel pretty suicidal and I'm kind of scared. I don't think I will do it, I don't even know how I would do it anyway, but this hopelessness is crushing me and it feels like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. I wish someone could help me but no one can. Spiraling...

[ECHOES]

jexa, I do not have answers, but I do have hugs

[velcro003]

Jexa, I'm so sorry for your pain You have every right to be sad right now. I can only give you my experience--and it probably won't help, because I'm a ball of confusion over it too. My T (and my only one i've had until EMDR-T started joining in) is definitely more neutral, clinical and I don't see her as maternal at all. I've struggled a lot with that face. Like would I open up easier to a more warm/maternal-like T? Maybe. Probably. BUT, for me, some of my core issues revolve around my mother and especially with her being warm and motherly. Kind of ironic that I find a T that seems similar in that respect. Yet whenever I really have freak-out moments (like last week) and really doubt whether we are the right fit or not (see "T and fit" thread), something deep down tells me I want to keep trying with her.

Maybe it is because I really hate change and I have been with her for a long time and the thought of starting over is awful sounding...but maybe it is also BECAUSE of my issues, that it is the precise reason why I should keep trying.

She may be more neutral and a blank slate, but she has shown me in a number of ways that she cares. She's called me back on weekends when she didn't have to, and has responded to e-mails in a very timely manner. She has told me when something I've said made her sad (that I didn't see that way), and I am really hoping that by sticking close to these new boundaries she's setting (her not responding to phone messages because she thinks its important to talk about it in session) also means she cares. I hope.

I don't know if any of this helps you, but I want you to know you are not alone.

oh, Jexa.

This hits so close to home for me right now, and so I don't have any real answers for you.

I ache for my old T.

In my case, at least, I do get to talk with old T every so often on the phone, and just yesterday I was able to tell her how much I miss her, and that helped.

I complained to her about new T being so different, and I'm not sure if we'll click, and old T told me to hang in there...she said she's seen many therapists throughout her life and the best ones weren't at all what she expected or what she even thought she wanted initially....but in the end they were exactly what she needed.

I can so relate to looking for a mother. It seems like that longing/search will never cease.

[jexa]

Thanks guys. I'm freaking out even more now.. I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight and she just canceled on me and said she's feeling sick and she can't hang out.

I don't even know if it's true because this is the friend who's sort of annoyed about something I did. She said it is fine now that we talked but I think our friendship is ruined forever.

Who would want to hang out with me anyway? I hate myself, I hate my life, I can't stand this anymore.. what can I even do? I feel so desperate, so desperate, so sickeningly desperate. Tears just streaming, freaking out, can't calm down. I'm just here because I don't know what else to do. I am always needy, always taking more than I give, I hate myself I hate myself, I need out, I need something, anything..

Jexa, I know it's hard, but try not to make assumptions about why your friend canceled. You're filling in the blanks with self-loathing and you don't have the facts.

I would love to hang out with you. Wish I could be there.

[Catlovers141]

I am so sorry this is happening. Could you maybe talk about this with your new T? Maybe that you miss your old one and had a nice bond with her? That is quite a common thing and I think she could deal with that.

I really wish I could hug you right now. I also tend to look for a mother in therapists and it can really hurt to not have that, especially in your case when you had it before. Is it possible to call your old T?

[jexa]

I don't know why she cancelled, I don't, that's true. But she and I used to hang out all the time and she has definitely been avoiding me lately. Catlover I can never talk to my old T again. She said it is her policy. I don't know if I'll ever see her again in my life. Ever.

I can't believe how bad this is right now, this is really bad, this is really really bad.. just don't even know what's going on, things are not okay

[zooropa]

(((((jexa)))) We are at different stages of the same journey. I can really feel what you're describing, the knife in the heart, the sense of not having an anchor, when you think of T. I feel that way when I imagine my life without T in it. It is so, so scary.

I'm just saying, thank you for sharing your journey here, because it gives me a picture of how to get through what I know is coming. I'm so sorry you're hurting, I'm so sorry your T had to move and your relationship had to end. And I'm so glad you're here.

[granite1]

(((jexa))) i wish i had the words to say to help at all you helped me so much tonight even with everything you are feeling.i know it must hurt so bad.big huge hugs for you

Sweet ((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))

Having needs is not "being needy". It's okay to need help, no matter what. You are so generous with support and wisdom here. And even if you weren't it would be okay to need something.

I can't imagine how painful it is to miss your T so much I *think* I can imagine it, because when I imagine my life without T, it takes my breath away...but I haven't been there, yet.

I'm so so so so sorry you are in so much pain. Sometimes my T says he wishes he could just magically take my pain away. I wish I could magically take your pain away. Sometimes the things we have to walk through just plain suck. That's all there is to it.

Keep moving forward. Let yourself grieve. Reach out. Keep your eyes open for moments of grace - even in the dark, sometimes we're surprised by a firefly.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by jexa

I find her to be so much more distant and professional than my old T. My old T was so warm and motherly. Even after the second session I felt this profound sense of connection to her. She and I had a lot in common and she just "got" me. The new T does not feel this way and I don't see myself being able to open up to her about my past. She is not a nurturing presence. She's nice and everything, but she doesn't seem maternal.

(((Dearest jexa)))

Hang in there. My heart goes out to you... If you feel really down I hope you will reach out and call your new T or call a hotline. I know that awful feeling in the chest. Please be gentle with yourself...
I don't know if this will help at all but... hang in there with your new T. I went through a similar situation. I had felt an immediate connection to my old T, she also was just like a mom-type. She just got me so well. When she told me she was retiring I was devistated. It took a while for me to find this new T and I felt just the same way. She seemed nice enough but she was cold and professional. But now... her different way has grown on me. I have even begun to realize how good she is as a therapist. I know obviously that all of our experiences are different. But... if you give that new T a chance her value as a T may begin to come through for you.
You may find it helpful to share with this new T just how much and how deeply you miss your old T.

E

[peaches100]

((((((Jexa))))))

I'm so sorry, Jexa, that you're feeling so much internal pain. It makes sense that this would be hard for you because you were attached to your t and miss her. I would be feeling the same way.

I want to encourage you, though, to hang in there with this new t for a little while. When i first started seeing my t, i felt like she was too clinical and not warm enough. I didn't really click with her right away. But she has turned out to be wonderful. It has just taken some time to get to know each other and build up the relationship. The same thing might happen with your t.

Like as was already mentioned, don't assume that your friend is making excuses and doesn't want to see you. Take her words at face value. You have enough distress going on without adding more pain.

This is a time to really nurture yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are not too needy! Keep reaching out to others, including here on PC. Are there some hobbies or other things you can distract yourself with? Let yourself grieve for your t when the pain comes up, but then keep refocusing on the here-and-now. I know it feels horrible right now, but it won't stay this bad. You can get through this. We're all here with you.

[jexa]

Urgh today is not better. I am at work but feeling weird. I hate our excessive behaviorism. Totally discounting the value of deeper emotional healing. Bandaids never worked for me, I have deep and festering wounds.

I think I am going to be in T for the rest of my life.

Tree, thanks. I'm trying to grieve but it is hard to know if I'm not allowing myself to feel something. I mean, if I think I feel fine, who's to say that's not how I actually feel? Until I just freak out later. Ugh.

Elana, thanks for that. It helps a lot, actually, to know that you've gone through the exact same thing. I hope I can get close to this T. I guess it's hard to know after only two sessions with her.

((peaches)) glad to hear your T seemed too clinical at first but you were still able to build a relationship! I don't have hobbies to distract myself with right now because, well, nothing interests me right now.. depression.. all I do is watch shows on Netflix and read PC. Sometimes I ride my bike too but I only can motivate myself to ride when I have to do something, like I will ride to go pick something up at the grocery store. Nothing is fun anymore.

I wish I could get into a book but I can't focus enough to read.

[WikidPissah]

aww Jexa...this sux so badly! I think the fact that you can only go every 2 weeks right now may be complicating it. Hard to get connected when it is not weekly. Please hang in there...reach out to people, either here or hot-lines or something. I know I wouldn't contact my new T outside of sessions for the first few mos, because I thought it wouldn't be appropriate, he didn't know me, and I didn't know him. But that first time you reach out to a new T, it changes everything. The last time I talked with new T before break he said something....he said "I won't call to check on you, you have to be the one who reaches out". Maybe it's getting closer to the phone call?

[alcira]

((((((Jexa))))))

I am sooo sorry. I've been feeling much the same as of late. I know how incredibly overwhelming and hopeless it can feel. I've found that the thing that helps me stay afloat the most is trying to be engaged and spend time around people as hard as that may seem. The moment I am left alone, the darkness begins to set in; and the more I stay alone, the harder it becomes.

I hope the clouds lift a little bit for you.

[WePow]

((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))) I really hope that you are feeling better this evening. I am so sorry you are in a bad place right now. No fun at all

[REEG]

Jexa- I SO get where you are! I have seen a lot of T's, but two main ones- the first was in a lot of ways mothering me- I saw her off and on from the time I was 17 until I was 37. And the T I see now- although I asked for the referral- was just NOT right at first. She began by calling me by my full name- and that felt like I was in trouble! And she was over the top expressive and off the mark- just not right, she wouldn't ever get me... but three years later, I can say it has been a very good match. So do what you need now to take care of you while the relationship builds. Can you find something good on Netflix to watch tonight?

[jazzy123456]

WOW jexa... its like you stole the words out of my heart. wow.
these r the things I wish I had the courage to say and to write.
I hope you find hope, I really do...I'm not sure how to help
cuz I'm in the same boat...but, push forward...you are beauty.

[zooropa]

(((((((jexa)))))))
I hope you're resting peacefully tonight.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by jexa

Urgh today is not better. I am at work but feeling weird. I hate our excessive behaviorism. Totally discounting the value of deeper emotional healing. Bandaids never worked for me, I have deep and festering wounds.

I think I am going to be in T for the rest of my life.

Tree, thanks. I'm trying to grieve but it is hard to know if I'm not allowing myself to feel something. I mean, if I think I feel fine, who's to say that's not how I actually feel? Until I just freak out later. Ugh.

Elana, thanks for that. It helps a lot, actually, to know that you've gone through the exact same thing. I hope I can get close to this T. I guess it's hard to know after only two sessions with her.

((peaches)) glad to hear your T seemed too clinical at first but you were still able to build a relationship! I don't have hobbies to distract myself with right now because, well, nothing interests me right now.. depression.. all I do is watch shows on Netflix and read PC. Sometimes I ride my bike too but I only can motivate myself to ride when I have to do something, like I will ride to go pick something up at the grocery store. Nothing is fun anymore.

I wish I could get into a book but I can't focus enough to read.

Your just like I am sometimes!
If I could ONLY just get my act together to complete my assignments before the semester deadline... but I don't think that's going to happen in one class and the other could go either way. So, I've decided that it is what it is. That's just it too. Sometimes things are just what they are in the moment, but it doesn't mean they won't or don't change. I've always pulled myself out of it in the past and I've been through some hairy moments and still pulled through. Just because it has cycles sometimes doesn't mean you won't get through it.

[jexa]

Thanks guys. More later. Going to T right now -- my appt is at 12:30. I am trembling horribly with anxiety, grinding my teeth.. ahhhhh

[alcira]

Good luck, Jexa!!!

[googley]

((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))

I hope your appointment went well.

[jexa]

The appointment went well. I told her what is going on. The freakouts, the loneliness, the anxiety, my problems with my friend, all that. I even described my typical meltdown. I didn't tell her about my lack of trust of her because, well, I think I'm already working on being honest with her and don't need to directly talk about it. She didn't really get what was going on with me so well at first but I think now she does. She wants me to try to practice mindfulness, just choosing one activity to do mindfully each day. At first she suggested being mindful in the shower, but I have issues with that, so I'm going to think of something else. Not sure what though. Any ideas?

I feel kind of relieved. Maybe she will never be a "mom" but I think she can help me. In fact, maybe it is better that she is this way -- I will be more motivated to heal. I wish we could have weekly sessions. Starting in January we will.