How to stop letting what others stay stick in your head? HELP!

Hello all,

I'm looking to find helpful ways to stop letting what others stay stick in my head, even if i know its not true.

A little about my past:

I had an abusive childhood, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive.

Age 1-11: I didn't have much abuse since my father was always protective of me and validated ALL my feelings, it was like I was always right.

Age 11-16/17: my brother inlaw sexually abused me and emotionally abused me and invalidated me, embarrassed me, constantly shamed me.

Age 11-26: constant invalidation from my parents, my father became verbally abusive, put downs, and name calling. My mom awefully critical of each and every single thing from how I sit/live/do things/talk/walk/wear/etc etc...

Now, I'm 27. Had 3 months of therapy earlier this year, it was all i could afford. My bf at that time had betrayed me, not the first time that someone has betrayed me. I had a emotional breakdown because he was all i had, I didn't have any "close" friends because I didn't know how to make any as I was never allowed from ages 11-18.

When I had the emotional breakdown, I was very depressed and I had hit rock bottom as I was in a relationship where my bf constantly invalidated me, called me illogical ( i found out I'm extremely perceptive AND logical after I went to therapy and i had good intuition, wasn't paranoid or anything.).. he was verbally/emotionally abusive. When I told him I felt like I had no place to go and felt like dying.. he called the non emergency cops on me, and one of the cops WITHOUT hearing me out, simply asked:

Cop: were you about to kill yourself?
Me: No, I just..
Cop: well, obviously there's some sort of personality disorder there...

He didn't even listen to me! all he did was speak to my bf and after that i dont know what the hell he told him, my bf stopped talking to me and left.

Later I found out, that cop told him to stay away from me and that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. He claimed to be an ex-therapist. He BARELY SPOKE TO ME AND WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME DIAGNOSED ME WITHIN 5 minutes. WTF! (excuse my french but i'm seriously so angry about this incident)

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NOW, this is what I'm having issues with, my therapist and I went over the DSM and determined that althougth I do have some traits of BDP, I can't be diagnosed with it because I dont have all.

I dont cut myself
I dont threaten to die
I dont do rash things all of a sudden, no drugs, nothing of that sort, i'm a pretty good kid.
I dont get angry at anyone going out of town/trips.

I am scared of getting hurt of being betrayed and due to this fear, I'm overprotective, sometimes i dont get into relationships because of this fear or because someone might be rude to me in the future.

And I do have a hard time figuring out my career goals but thats because I'm split between my head and heart. By heart I want to be an actor but its so risky that by head, I feel like i should do finance (just got my masters).

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So, now i constantly check online from time to time, whether I do have bdp. its stuck in my head so badly!

Oh yes i do get angry but its usually when I'm abused in some way or provoked because it triggers the past for me.

Also, the other day my sister said my hair looks really light, meaning I'm having hair fall. I am aware it doesnt look light but I know my sister does this to me on purpose constantly checking whether she can break down my confidence and usually i'll dismiss it because I catch her game, but it still BOTHERS ME! i start checking whether its true!

And yes i do have a hard time figuring myself out but its not like i'm changing identities daily.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? DO I HAVE BDP ? WHY DO I LISTEN TO OTHERS AND LET IT BOTHER ME?

ANY WAY TO COPE WITH THIS?

Please help!

sorrry about the long post!

((((((Distressed))))))

First, I am very sorry that you were abused.
Second, you are doing the right thing by reaching out for help.

It is not going to be easy for you to claim your mental health, but I think you found that out already. And you are right, it is very difficult for a person who comes from an abusive past to learn how to turn off the internal abuser. But you CAN do it.

I want to share with you some of the things I had to learn along the way that I hope may help you out. It took years of pain for me to figure out some of this stuff, so I hope that by sharing with you, you might be able to start using the information NOW and not suffer as long as I had to suffer.

1) Everyone has an opinion. But they are not YOU. You are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror. You are the one who sleeps inside your skin at night. YOUR opinion on things that pertain to YOU must come first. It is not easy to do this and it will take practice. You don't have to tell the other person you don't agree with them. You can still respect their opinion. But in the end, YOU get to choose! That is your right as a human. - AND - it is your RIGHT as an adult. Welcome to the world of being an emotional adult. This is YOUR time to take charge of how you feel about you. Other peeps will have an opinion and they will be more than happy to dose it out to you. But you have the option now and the right to throw away the junk mail. Don't accept emotional spam :-)

2) Some people are toxic. There are people who are what my mentor calls "emotional vampires" - they get a high from watching their family and friends suffer silently as they put them down or drain them. They may not even realize they are feeding off others in this way! But when you are around them, you are drained of life energy and emotional sanity. In these situations, you have to learn how to make yourself safe. If you must be around them, you have to know how to not allow them to put you down. This is a hard thing to learn for those of us who were abused. You need to be able to say "I do not appriciate the comment you just made." You don't have to fight the person or join into their drama. Just make your stand and be clear about your emotions. If they continue to cross your boundaries, then it is time to cut them off.

"I have told you that I do not appriciate your comments about this topic. Because you are not respecing my boundaries on this, I am not going to hang out with you. If you want me to come over again, you will need to promise me that you will respect my boundary about this."

3) For the things that play over and over in your mind, you will need to have an alternate truth. If you hear "You are a blah blah blah" - then you need to come up with a truth that you know is right. For example, mine was "You are a very friendly person who does get along with others." Each time you hear the bad thing go through your mind, make yourself say outload the good thing.

The other thing you can do is to start a journal and record each time someone says something nice to you. In fact, write down all the things you remember from the past as well! Allow yourself to accept these good things. It takes work, but you can choose to make these things your truth.

Big hugs to you!

i must agree with WePow, and add this,,,, Life in the Present. reliving the past is a habit, almost an addiction, give it up,, you are not your History~! we are who we make of ourselves every moment of every day. if you are kind in this moment, then you are Kind~! choose to be the person you want to be. you might find support in the Saturday Hosted Chat "Living the Life you Imagine".... hope to see you there. best wishes,, Gus

Hi,

First of all, thanks so much for reading my long post and writing back such an organized, detailed response. I was thinking/doing things along the same line but was unsuccessful in some.

I have tried your #1 but sometimes I just get stuck in space/time and forget about it all when I have multiple pressures on me from different sides of the family.

And, my major issue with being assertive in this situation (where you said "I don't appreciate the comment you made"), I have tried that with my family actually quiet since childhood, I've always been very assertive at home, not outside though.

But my parents (because my sisters always made me look like the bad one no matter what) always tried to tame down my assertiveness which they interpreted as being aggressive.

If today, I make such a comment to my sister, the following will occur:

1. she will act all innocent and turn it all onto me and say "so what, what did i say? omg, you react so much.. blah blah blah"

2. my mother will hear her and say the same, "omg STOP you're just too much! you're going to break relationships with everyone!"

3. every time I've tried to convince my mom/dad, they always say I'm over reacting.

At the end, I will look like the "direct/aggressive" person and she will escape slimily... I feel like I'm in a no win situation.

Any inputs here?

Also, I'm indian and I'm from US but I'm staying here for a while and in our culture, to be assertive and saying you dont like someones comment/behavior is seen extremely rude.. idk why but it is. Its all about diplomacy diplomacy diplomacy, if someones rude to you, tell them non-verbally, with your actions and your eyes and this and that. I've always been the opposite and maybe criticized for thesame reason.

3. I used to write a lot! for many years. but I stopped because I realized I was very depressed and I'd cry everytime I wrote, it didn't help me because it made me constantly be stuck within my past negative thoughts.

But I will try when someone complements me now, thanks for that suggestion!

The only thing is, even when someone complements me I have a hard time accepting it. I lived in the south(wont name the city) for a while, loved it but also found out many people were quiet fake so that made it hard for me to know if someones speaking the truth or just being fake. Also, I found that children abused in the past have a hard time accepting nice complements or love ... I would really like to change that.

Thanks and I hope you get a chance to read this

HUGS!

Distressed, you are right that culture plays a big role in how people respond.
But even within the context of your responsabilities within your own culture, you still have a right to emotional sanity.

I had a situation for several years where in my twenties I lived with a woman who was one of my primary abusers starting at age 11. I was dirt poor while trying to put myself through college and working two full time jobs in the summer. She was in charge of the money and everything else. I was trapped because I needed to finish my college in order to have a real chance at being able to support myself. So I would come home and she would either be very loving to me - OR (on most days) she would put me down and walk all over me emotionally.

It was at this time when a teacher saw I was in trouble and made me go to my first T - a college T. When he figured out I couldn't leave the situation, he taught me how to emotionally be able to withstand the situation. It sounds like that is what you may need to do. So here are some of those "tricks" I used until I was able to set up my own rules. Even now these things help me in situations where I have to be around toxic people.

1) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - even if it is wrong. IE - anyone can be an @$$ if they want to be! They have a right to their feelings and I can respect this without taking it for my own.

2) Learn how to stay YOU. When you are around anyone who has a different opinion or emotion, you can respect all of that without changing your own mind. You do not have to agree with anyone. You do not have to change the way you feel just because someone else feels a certain way.

I had a big problem due to the abuse history of allowing myself to become inside who the abuser told me I was. "You are DIRTY!" --- sooooo I would go from feeling very good about myself to "Oh my! She said I was dirty so I MUST BE!"

I was not even aware that I was doing this! And honestly, it mad me very angry with college T when he told me I was doing this! But the more I watched myself as I was interacting in those situations, the more I saw he was spot-on.

Once you realize that you are allowing yourself to be changed by the opinions and emotions of those around you, the more power you have to decide for yourself how you want to feel about things.

Those are the main two things that really allowed me to start gaining my own peace even while I was in the midst of emotional war. The funny part is that the more power I found for myself, the angrier my abuser became. It soon became very clear to me that she was doing these things to push my buttons and manipulate me.
She had all sorts of interesting reactions - the silent treatment, the "you don't love me" blame game, and the "You are so horrid!" routine. But I found that if I maintained my internal peace and refused to allow someone else to tell me how I was going to feel, the stronger I became.

Bottom line is that you do have a choice on how you feel. You don't have a choice over the way your culture acts. You don't have a choice on who your relatives are. And you can't change anyone. People are people. BUT you can choose to start becoming aware of how you respond to these situations. And you can choose to not just be pushed into no-win situations internally. When you stop fighting, you do win. You can choose to maintain YOU - your own emotions and your own space inside of your skin. And that is a freedom no one can take away from you.

WePow, thanks for saying this so well. This process of awareness and learning you have choices in your responses can be very exciting! And every time you experience this process, you grow some more. The success brings more success, and it gets to be easier to do. It is a very good feeling when you realize you much you have grown in this respect.

Very powerful. Thanks.

Do you have BPD? The answer is already a NO according to your T, who unlike that jackass cop truly is a professional (and your T also knows you whereas the cop took someone's side of the story before proper investigation AND overstepped his boundaries). That pork grinder doesn't know you and it doesn't matter. He said something incredibly insensitive and outside of professional boundaries for someone who claimed to be a former T.

I feel like being an actor is risky too. Does that mean I have BPD?
I also do not know what I want to do "when I grow up". Do I have BPD?
I am also invalidated by my family. Do I have BPD?

EVERYONE has traits of various things. Nothing is "pure". Having traits of a disorder doesn't mean you are evil, bad, dysfunctional, or whatever.

STAY AWAY from your sister. No reason to talk to her since all she does it put you down.

I have depressive traits. I have OCD traits too. Even so, I function and I don't feel like I am bad or weak or incapable or whatever.

STAY AWAY from the ex bf. He is no good at all. Don't feel too bad about losing that one. Plenty of fish in the sea and maybe a break from dating until you get yourself in a more healthy place yah?

Trying to convince anyone of anything is very, very draining. You really don't have to convince anyone of anything. Whatever you believe is okay and real peace comes when you can accept that others can believe whatever they want to believe too.

Thanks everyone for the insightful replies! I completely understand what you're trying to say, but now I must learnt to implement them. Sorry to keep stretching this further but I think what I need to know is what is a healthy way to respond to these situations?

SUch as when I'm hurt/my sister putting me down and I get angry and my parents criticizing me for expressing myself?

Or, when I try to establish boundries when I'm with indian people? (boundries are just not part of the culture so I don't know how to keep that balance of pleasing others and caring for my own feelings?)

Thanks once again!

I think until one knows themselves on a deeply intimate level, then you are prone to be blown like the wind by other peoples definitions of who they feel you are. For me this is taking yrs in 2xwkly psychoanalysis, discovering who I am, all parts of me, and with that I don't seem so disturbed by others opinions, and personal boundaries become natural to have. I think what all of these people have that is useful is the indicator that you do not know yourself yet, not that their correct, but theres something amiss for them to be having that much power over you. Go on your own journey, its a wonderful journey and in time these people that seem all powerful and knowing now, will one day seem very pityful and unknowing.

hi distressed...usually i pm you but saw your thread. one of the benefits of therapy is i learned to recognize unhealthy relationships be it a bf, gf, or family. it took me practice to gain progress on this. it's not easy at first. when we don't know the info we may make choices that are not in our best interests, i.e. your bf. sometimes i get the comment from someone that thinks i'm being too hard-as...ed about something but it just rolls off my back now. i know what behaviors i am willing to accept friom others and what is not acceptable to me. that way i can make wiser choices to protect myself from unhealthy ppl. and what their opinion is doesn't matter as long as i am true to myself.
your worrying about what someone says to u even if u know it's not true...usually if it's someone we have no vested interest in that says an absurdity we respond...why that's ridiculous!...but when it's someone we value it is more difficult. put a rubber band on your wrist..every time you start to worry about something said that causes you to worry over it, snap the rubber band on your wrist. this will stop the invalid thought.
even tho culturally you feel conflicting thoughts on things if you gain a strong sense of self you will be happier. they can follow tradition but you don't have to. you are an adult and can make your own choices rather than allowing others to repress you to dictate to you. but you have to "pick up the baton and run with it".
in america in the 70's and 80's there were some old school thoughts about women. this included my father. i wanted to be a doctor and he said "be a nurse or teacher". i knew i had to just be me. so i "burned my bra" before gloria steinim (SP?) did so to speak. there was something wrong with the logic of a woman being subserviant in society and i knew it.
i urge you to do the same with your ethinticity. this is a global world and even if they don't get over "it", you can!!!
ooops sorry for such a long post. i'm on the soap box and u'r thread got me worked up.

Passive-aggressive behavior like this is meant to bother you, to doubt your own head of hair. It is hard to deal with people like this.

i have found that Mindfulness, which is essentially focussing on my own thoughts feelings and urges, is one of the best ways to stop focussing on others'~! if you want to try a really fast way of changing, practice when you are stress free, being the person you want to be, and then focus on remembering that as soon as you feel distressed. let those other people do what they want, you will be busy doing what you need to do, and success will come like a pet. best wishes... Gus

Thanks Jan once again!!
I was always told i was too aggressive (when i was in reality just being way too abused and wasn't liking it... every single behavior of mine had to be commented on to the T...) so I'm still working on making myself stronger.

A thing i worry about is that people see me as weak and will walk all over me.

Another thing that stops me from standing up for myself is that when this happens in a group, lets say theatre group, everyone says alot of things to everyone, correcting them constantly... and you're not allowed to do this and that, dont drink water, etc etc.. and I feel as this has happened in the past, whenever I've stood up for myself, usually its been passive aggressiveness when I'll talk to everyone around me about what person X did and somehow its always come back and bit my in the butt!

I feel like if i stand up for myself, others will get together and hate me and get against me... this happened when I worked as a bartender as well... a girl started a fight with me, and i counterattacked (verbally only), she had really instigated me and said really mean things to me and the next day, everyone hated me, it was like me against all her little friends (this happened after my first day ofcourse) but i think that's probaly also coz i was good friends with the owner and din't have to work my way up.

But, in conclusion, I feel like everyone will get against me if i stand up for myself. I'm not sure if i was in an unhealthy environment in the past (when i bartended) or if i came off not assertively... not sure.. still trying to figure it out...

Any input on how I can work my way around this, be assertive and not come off being rude (maybe i wasnt rude, maybe it was them, but i'm not sure)

Thank you gus, I am a little familiar with mindfulness but have not been able to find a good resource to understand it completely, do you know of any good sources online?
I do have "power of now" as you already know from my other thread.
thanks!

Can you ignore your sister or leave her presence?

Someone from a group culture explained to me once that enforcing boundaries in it is just done more quietly. You do what you need to do without announcing it I think she was saying.

Maybe you are making a lot of noise when you are attempting to enforce your boundaries? When a person becomes confident in their power they realize that not everything is a threat to them and you aren't to this point yet so you feel very threatened and make a lot of noise? I hope that I am making sense.

Thanks Sannah!
I certainly do get quiet angry on the inside when someone is rude to me or tries to break down my confidence.

Some anger would be from "why is my sister like this? She's my sister! she's supposed to act like a good sister!"

But I've come to terms with the fact that that expectation will never be met.

I have distanced myself from her as much as possible, I dont go out with her anywhere eventhough I have like zero friends here and have practically been locked up in the house for 2 months almost (just moved here). My parents are with me so I can't completely avoid her.

But I also dont want to avoid my family altogether, they're all I have for now. I just want to learn how to deal with it, how to not let it bother me, how to stand up for myself (i guess i expect people to stop their behavior if i stand up for myself but the opposite happens).

Can you recommend some online resources where I can learn how to get to the point where it won't bother me anymore? Its not possible for me to find therapy for now.

I would imagine that with a group culture both of these would happen ^ because you all are so interconnected.

Can you try to stand up for yourself without trying to convince them, however? It is possible to stand up for yourself quietly by ignoring people and leaving their presence for the moment. Basically it is not rewarding their behavior with your presence. You actually don't even have to say anything.

I was playing with a 3 year old once and we didn't speak the same language. He was on my lap and then he started misbehaving. We were playing with blocks. I quietly put him down and started to put the blocks away. He tried to stop me and was making a fuss. After about ten seconds I stopped putting the blocks away and picked him back up and put him on my lap. He immediately started acting correctly. Of course my basic message to him was that I was not going to reward his misbehavior and he got the message very well (and I didn't say a word to him). Can you see how this could work with your family?

It seems like the way that you are doing it now is that you are trying to use your power to force your family into different behavior. This won't work.

need to clarify re the reaction of others when they say i'm a hardass...that is their perception because i do not go along with what they think i should do or say. for them it is threatening and all i am doing is refusing to allow them to force their opinion on me. i found an effective way of doing this in heated situations...i don't speak, i just look at them. i don't go for the carrot. this is very frustrating to the other party cause i won't get into "game". they may be looking for an altercation but i won't allow someone to interfere with my serenity. i value that in my life more than most anything. it took time to acquire it but i did. so rather than responding verbally i set my boundary sometimes by silence.

Sannah, just wanted to say thanks for the comments on "making a lot of noise" when requesting boundaries, and scaring the people with the noise.........That's an insight that will help me. Thank you.

Distressed, are there mentors in your culture, whom you admire for their breadth of understanding, to whom you could go for help? I ask because if you don't have a counselor and can't afford one, I imagine it is extremely hard to withstand the pull of the emotional need to belong...and if the only people to "belong" with are these abusers, then.......Also, if you're in a town with a university, or even a college, what about hooking up with the multicultural studies school, and, even more importantly, what about getting a counselor through the college? I saw someone post that, and I did that, too, and then got a referral later...

Thanks Sannah, I think I sort of get what you're trying to say. You mean that when someone disrespects me, get up and leave the room? Did I get the message right?

SOrry but I am a bit confused with the child example (although thanks for providing it as examples help me learn the best )

I've thought of getting up and leaving the situation but there are two issues with that:

1. I feel that the rude person is happy he got me coz he can see it.
2. Sometimes I'm in a group within my family and my sister is rude to me, no one says anything but If I leave the group when she's rude, I feel that its unfair that because of one person who is behaving "badly", I have to get up and leave where its really my sister that should be corrected or asked to leave.
Additionally, this sort of has started happening already. My sisters husband is way ruder than her, and my mom's usually like "fine then don't go out with them." The problem is, they are the ones with the car and if we have people over that are family friends, they end up taking them around, so I have to miss out on hanging out with family friends as well just because of my bro in law and i feel thats so unfair! They are MY family friends in the first place, he knows them through US and because of HIS misbehavior, I have to exit!

3. I have done this once before where she really irritated me in a family group setting, I got up and left, and every single person (there were 3) in the group came one by one to tell me "come out now! stop sitting in the clouds, just come out, its not that big of a deal she didn't really say anything, stop it, you're just looking for attention.".

Do you think I'm using this approach the wrong way(#3 situation)?
Or are my fears (#1 situation) overboard?
Are there any other options to deal with this (#2 situation)?

ANy other thoughts you have for me?

I really appreciate you helping me figure this out as I find it really helpful to know how to implement an idea/thought/strategy rather than stating it (just what works for me best as I have to recondition my responses..)

Thanks bpd2! I don't have mentors that I can look upto. I sort of isolated myself for a long time because I wasn't allowed to have friends or people I could get close to during my teenage years when I needed it the most. With all the abuse around me, I just learnt to live alone in my room all by myself. That was my coping mechanism.

As of right now, I feel awfully vulnerable and no where to go whenever I'm faced with an issue or feel sad. If I even tell my mother, she startes getting all worked up and worrying and she sees depression as a "really bad disease" because that's how its seen in india amongst the majority, plus she over-worries as well, didn't know this until i found out most of my worries came from her thinking out loud to me

Trust me, I've tried to find a therapist here but its just not going to work out. I've tried a couple and also done some research online.. nothing. Also, India is quiet different than US in that aspect, the resources one has in US are just so much more than here. There's no college/universities offering this, also I'm no longer in school, all done and graduated.

Its really odd, I'm the kind who likes to respect and blend into others cultures, but I also like my space and freedom and hate being told what to do (which is very common in india, anyone and everyone will give you advice 24/7 without even asking, or elders will order you even if they're not part of your family).

All my life, I tried to convert from indian culture to American when I lived in US and now I'm re-learning the indian culture by actually living here... its weird.

But i also have a lot of baggage from the past and psychological and sexual abuse that i have to deal with at the same time.

That cop was obviously kinda stupid. Really wrong for him to tell your bf to stay away from you. Seriously! I'm sorry. I mean, i'm not a doc and i don't really know you, but if your therapist says you don't have BPD, then maybe you should just believe him/ her. Just don't let that bother you. Its a little thing.
In my opinion, you really shouldn't take anything someone says to heart unless they actually know you. If they care about you, they'd help you fix it. Like if a girl friend tells you, you dont look good in that color, then they should tell you what you DO look good in. Get it? So your bf is a jerk. simple. Anyone that cares about you wouldn't just leave you like that. My ex had BPD and i loved him so much, all i wanted to do was help him. Take this to heart. maybe there's nothing wrong with you, you just have bad experiences and you have issues dealing with them. (Its ok because pretty much everyone does). Just try and find ways to keep yourself calm and be positive. Your past doesn't define you!!!

This would be true if you leave upset and they wanted to make you upset. The key to pulling this off is to not be upset. Is this possible for you?

Could you leave just long enough where you don't have to listen to her and she stops and moves on and then you can come back? The point of doing it this way is that the point isn't to punish anyone, the point is to only protect yourself from her. Again, don't be upset. (Because her rudeness says more about her than anything about you).

In these situations can you just ignore him since you have to weigh which one you are going to put up with?

Hi Sannah,

Great way of clarifying #1 and yeah you're right, i guess for #3 i just have to pick and choose and both choices suck since if i go with them, i'll be angry and brooding because he'll piss me off for sure, it happens every time.

If i dont go with him, i'll be angry and brooding again because I'll feel like it isn't fair!

But i guess I'll just have to choose the lesser of the two evils, but both are pretty close

And with number two, the issue is that if i get up and leave, topic will change, yes, but the moment i come back, she'll say something about me again.. I'm not paranoid because i've experienced this with her thousand times, she'll stare at me and then try to comment on anything and everything. SHe's said my butts too fat when I know i have an awesome butt (guys love it) or she'll be like "wow, you have a zit on your neck, ewww".. when I won't, i dont get zits, i have normal skin but i do get oil trapped in pores (sorry if it sounds gross)

But point of this is that she'll come back to me someway or the other, just to put me down..