About my email from T

I got my one email from my T. It was brief, but she commented on my description of beautiful scenery, and then said she was "breaking her rule" by writing more than wishing me a good weekend and that she read my emails. I wrote back that she was only breaking it a little because I knew she was not going to comment at all on everything I wrote about her and the session. I wrote a lot!

So, I was happy with her email. I think if she would have just written what she was "supposed to", I would have cried. It would have seemed like a "canned response."

I hope that she will understand that I now know that she won't comment on what I wish she would. I even asked her questions and said "I know you're not going to answer now." My expectations were much lower so I wasn't disappointed. I wasn't surprised that she picked something positive to comment on that was about my real life, not my transference stuff or about my issues.

I think if she will write a couple of sentences like she did it will be a good compromise. She won't be doing therapy via email, and I won't be expecting her to. I just don't know if she will think she isn't a good T because she didn't stick to her rule. What I think is that we are working this out so we will both be doing what is comfortable and good for both of us. I like that she is flexible and a little indecisive because I'm the same way and it helps me see that it's not such a terrible trait to be that way.

Do you think I'm being unrealistic, in denial, or does my "argument" make sense? Of course it's not up to me; it's up to my T how she responds to my emails.

Does it mean that no one wants to hurt my feelings and criticize me or my T that 42 people read this but no one responded?

Arguing with yourself, rainbow...

My initial reaction was disappointment in your T for changing the boundaries and then not honoring them herself. I think it is your T who is being unrealistic.

I don't think one should predict a pattern from one email. That email was just that email and I'm glad you enjoyed it but she may/may not break her rules ever again may/may not be feeling indecisive; all your thoughts about her thoughts and feelings are your own, not her actual thoughts and feelings. I think the email thing is to help you separate from trying to think other people's thoughts and feelings, from trying to "merge" with other people/your T. It's a little harder to merge in person because the other person is there to "correct" misperceptions we state about them. Written words are one-way; you can think whatever you want about the other, it's a form of fantasy, especially with therapists who don't tend to engage with us in email as they do in person.

Were I you, I would discuss this whole thing/the email with her as you've posted here!

Do you respond to every post you read??

I wonder what was in your email to her, and why she felt that she needed to break the rules in response to that?

I just now read your post.....I don't know if I would say your T really 'broke' the rules by commenting on something about scenery, and not commenting on more 'therapy' related stuff you wrote; but maybe she is thinking she should have been more firm, less flexible than she was in even making what sounds like an extra, generic sort of comment. But I think there needs to be at least a tiny bit of flexibility in boundaries and I don't think (jmo) that she really dishonored the boundary. (No more than I think my T really broke our boundaries by offering me hugs a few times when we had agreed I would ask - she said something about the boundary getting a little blurred. I didn't think that she broke rules or dishonored boundaries in what she did......but I did agree that we needed to re-define again what the boundaries are. However, I thought it was wonderful that she was flexible to bend a bit according to the situation and the need at that time.... )
I think it's good that your expectations were lower (maybe it would be OK to say that they were more reasonable, if that doesn't seem like a poor word choice, I hope!!) and that you weren't disappointed because you expected more than you got, so that you can be happy with what you did get. I don't know if you should allow yourself to raise your expectations back up to the place where you're expecting an extra line or two though.....because your T might think she did blur the boundary. So my humble advice is to just be happy that she sent you an email with a bit extra this time and try not to expect it each time....and yes, clarify these things in session. Transparency is a good policy in this case....
I hope I haven't put this in such a clumsy way that I cause hurt, because I don't mean to do that...

Sigh.

This is the classic borderline dance.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com...article&id=114

In short....you are setting yourself up to feel what is familiar to you, again. Your T broke a boundary and when she sets it again, you will feel the same "upsetment/abandonment/anger" that you felt the first time she set it. This game will continue until (a) your T maintains the boundaries she sets or (b) you get so angry/upset you sabatoge your treatment.

This is why when working with borderlines, one of the main tenets is to set boundaries and stick to them. In fact, it is one of the core issues in treatment.

From Psych Central... "Therapists and doctors should learn to be like a rock when dealing with a person who has this disorder."

"Because people with this disorder often try and “test the limits” of the therapist or professional when in treatment, proper and well-defined boundaries of your relationship with the client need to be carefully explained at the onset of therapy"

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/bor...der-treatment/

And...
http://bpd.about.com/od/glossary/g/boundaries.htm

And everyone can crap on me and say that "it's ok" that your T broke a boundary, but all the literature can't be wrong about working with patients with these concerns. You are manipulating the relationship to get what you need and your T fell into it. If you want to heal, she did not help you.

Poet, I'm actually glad to see you around here again because I've wondered you are. I'm not sure I meet the BPD criteria anymore--5 out of 9 or something? But that's not the point. My former T stuck to her rigid rules and after 5 plus years I was still attached to her. She made me cry after most sessions and my H said I was a basket case. That's not the case now. But I know you care, Poet. That feels good, so thank you. I'm not being sarcastic. My T and I are working out what the best solution is for the email situation. My expectations are now realistic. I wish I hadn't posted. Some things may be best handled between T and myself, but I haven't learned that yet.

I think my problem is posting about everything that goes on with my T. When will I ever learn not to? I really don't question my T. I just wanted another thread and attention, I think.

ECHOES and Perna: I know for a fact that my T changes her mind and bends her rules sometimes. She told me! She's not sure what the best policy is about my emailing. She said she had to "reevaluate" I think was her word. What's good for me and good for her. A compromise.

Tay, not I don't reply to all posts. I just thought 42 was high and I was impatient.

Oceanwave: Basically, at the end of my email I told her I went somewhere with my H and I told her how beautiful the full moon was, setting on the water, and also the city at night. She said to think how my body feels when I appreciate beautiful scenery. Something like that. I know she appreciates beauty too.

I suppose I will bring it up at my session though I think T and I understand each other and it's okay. Wish I hadn't posted though.

Poet, I just read the first article you posted a link to. I agree that my "self" is still dependent on my T, the "other", and if she were to die or move away right now I'd be devastated. But she knows my issues and is working with me to develop my "self" and have inside of me what I need so I will not need an "other" like her. That's why I think she's so quick to pick up on anything that will help me have more of a self, like feeling the beauty of my surroundings, for example. There's more than 1 way to skin a cat!

rainbow, I was thinking of the grief and pain you went through when she stated that the emails would change. I can see how exciting it would feel that she bent the rules in your favor this time.

I would not be so black and white. Assess your behaviors and consider that BPD is a spectrum disorder... Look at what you even posted here... you wanted attention, you have to learn what is appropriate boundaries, you couldn't wait to get attention, you were impatient, blah, blah, blah etc.
In your original post, you said you would have cried if your T did what she said she was going to do, stick to her boundary-- "A canned response" -- we are talking about your response to your feelings of abandonment, rejection, etc.

Perhaps your former T or any T has not been able to help you because you are not in therapy that is scientifically proven to help your disorder or behaviors..such as DBT or Schema or even TFT?

But it does not matter, because you got what you wanted. You won, in this case. Your T fell for it...

What I wonder is where does "support" become enabling?

They are good comments and questions, Poet. I don't know the answers. Did you read what I posted about "self" and how my T is treating me?

Yes ECHOES. This is a very common cycle in a relationship with a person who is a borderline or a borderline "light". Basically setting the stage to experience what is familiar..

From a HIGH when the rules were changed/broken to a LOW when they are put into effect again when the T tries to protect herself from the demands of the relationship.

Now, when Rainbow's T sets the boundary again or another boundary around the email, Rainbow will experience what she is expecting -- feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc.... thus causing upsetment, anger, feelings of self-loathing.

It's like a game basically.

Poet, I am not judging or categorizing rainbows reaction. I think it was valid and appropriate respose and not pathological. I don't think it's a game at all. I think in the therapeutic setting it is something to learn from, as are all of our repeated patterns.

I don't think that willy-nilly boundaries are helpful in therapy.

Rainbow, I have to agree with Poet, it does seem like you (unconsciously) manipulated your T into bending her rules in order to get from her what you want. But even that wasn't enough to really be satisfying because you wanted her to respond to the other stuff that she wants to only address in therapy sessions. Can't you see that you both are setting you up for even more disappointment when she doesn't respond that way next time? Boundaries are a good thing. If you push the limits too far, she will likely eventually cut off all email contact (when she "sees" the pattern and that it is not helping you)

I'm certainly no expert on BPD......however, I don't see what rainbow is dealing with here as 'playing a game' or playing a 'BPD game'. I think needing/seeking attention, needing a secure attachment, needing validation or a confirmation of someone's care, as well as limit-testing, are fairly common to human nature (and common in the therapeutic relationship, especially).....and don't think it all has to be pathologized or labeled or whatever! JMO....humble or not....

Oh, and we don't we all use a form of manipulation in our relationships, either to get what we need or to either induce or avoid a certain reaction or response? All manipulation isn't deviant or disordered.....
and trying to get what you need in a relationship doesn't always have to be termed as manipulation either, anyway, I don't think!
(I'm not trying to enable or excuse anyone or deny BPD tendencies in anyone....nor do I really want to argue about rainbow's tendencies, or argue at all! Those are just my general thoughts/feelings...)

It's not at all clear to me how Rainbow is supposed to have 'manipulated' this response from her T?? She sent her T an email, as per the agreement. Her T emailed back and added an extra line. Not because Rainbow begged her to, or cunningly added the description of the moon to lure her T in... but because her T freely chose to.

I do agree that it feels a bit problematic that your T chose to break her own rules, especially on the first week of the new rules being in place. It would make me feel quite unsafe and I guess now it is very hard to know what to expect. But it's good that you feel confident that you can negotiate all this with your T.

I don't get what some of you are saying. I didn't manipulate my T at all! She and I agreed at my last session that I could email her as much as I want, and that she would, having rethought it, email back something about reading my emails, wishing me a good week-end, and that she'd see me next week. I didn't ask for anything else. That she chose to write something extra is not due to my manipulating her.

I tried her new rules for 2 weeks and then we discussed it again. I didn't manipulate her. She reconsidered. She could have stuck with "no response." It was her decision to write back briefly. She said she had no problem with that.

I'm really intrigued by your question here. What do you think you could be in denial about, I wonder? Or unrealistic?

Rainbow, I can understand why you wish you had never started this thread, but I think the responses are valid ones. I too wish your T had stuck to her guns and not broken her own boundary as I think - as good as it feels right now to have received more than what you were expecting - it is going to hurt you in the long run. Already your expectations have risen a notch again, which sets you up for more painful diappointment when she replies again and doesn't include an extra line or two.

For your own emotional protection it would be a really good thing for you to discuss this with her next time you see her, even though you will run the risk of losing the privilege of those few extra lines again. I am really sorry she did this, despite your good feelings about it now. She has set you up for more disappointment, and that isn't fair.

Rainbow, I said "unconsciously" manipulated. I don't think you deliberately tried to manipulate your t into responding more. I think it is not something you are aware of. You said you would have probably cried if she had responded the way she said she would. That sounds like you were hoping she would respond differently even though you weren't expecting her to. You even said you wrote alot, you asked her questions (and acknowledged that she wouldnt respond now). You write with the hopes that she will respond more (or you will cry?) It sounds manipulative to me. This is only my opinion on what i read, not saying I am right...just saying.

I agree with TayQincy her, Rainbow. You may have 'known' intellectually that she wouldn't reply any more than what she agreed on (naughty T!) but you were acting as though she would. That isn't deceptive manipulation, but your behaviours were geared to achieving the results that you unconsciously wanted.
It is much like when you started with this T... you said all the right words about not wanting to attach to her, but in all your posts it was obvious that you were driven to achieving just that AND that you were not consciously aware of it.
I am not passing any value judgement on you here, hon... just saying what I observed, and bringing that pattern to your attention. We can't deal with what we are not aware of, right?