As many of you know, I confessed my 'uncomfortable' feelings to my therapist. I sent a follow up email telling her that I was miserable since admitting that to her. I asked her to respond with something, so that I will know where she stands with it.

I sent that on Thursday night and still haven't heard back from her. I am trying to convince myself that (1)she will respond before Monday, (2)she is not upset with me, (3)she won't make a big deal about it, (4)she is not going to kick me out of therapy (5)she is not freaked out by it (6)I can go into her office on Monday without having a nervous breakdown!

I was up until 4:00am this morning worrying myself sick about this. I finally took some sleeping pills around 10:00am and slept until 5:00pm. At least this took my mind off of it temporarily. Now I am back to frantically checking my email to see if she has responded. I am angry with myself that I admitted that to her. What kind of fool does that? What the *@## was I thinking!

I hate this about myself. Too anxious, worry too much, too impulsive! I am not overly attached to her by any means. I would be acting this way had I sent something so personal to a friend of mine and was waiting on a reply.

Waiting... waiting...waiting.....I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until Monday morning!

You know what? I get so irritated that we are supposed to go into therapy and NOT have feelings for our therapist. The relationship is one sided. We spill out guts about every emotional heartache we have gone through, every trauma we have faced, and anything else that has strong emotional ties to it.

Therapists are trained to sit there with a 'poker face'. They are trained not to be emotional, but to be the rock that we can lean on. The one person that helps us problem solve and put our lives back together.

Months ago, I told my therapist that I did not want to have any emotion for her at all! You know, that is impossible to do! I came to her with relationship issues. She is well aware of my fear to get close to anyone. Yet, in this therapy process, I have formed a bond with her.

I hate that!!! She doesn't have a bond with me at all. Sure she cares about me and wants me to get better. But it is not the same as how we (the client) feel about them. What is up with all of this!

The more I sit here and stew over confessing that to her, the angrier I get. It almost feels like I am a victim of this. I fought this HARD for a long time. I do not attach to people at all, yet here I am forming an attachment with her.

It makes me want to quit and never go back. I almost hate her right now. That is sad because she has really helped me a lot.

[tarmyg]

Squiggle - I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed waiting for your therapist to respond to you.

It is so hard when we find ourselves in the position of finally trusting in and opening up to others. I find myself wondering if my therapist already senses my transference issues and is sitting back waiting for the day I will be ready to address them. Maybe your therapist has been waiting on this with you.

Don't beat yourself up for your e-mail. What you expressed to her had to have been your true feelings. Therapists strive for the day where we can get to this point wih them.

My wish for you is that you find peace in knowing that you opened up to her in a way that, at the time, you felt was something you needed to do.

Originally Posted by tarmyg

Squiggle - I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed waiting for your therapist to respond to you.

Maybe your therapist has been waiting on this with you.

Don't beat yourself up for your e-mail. What you expressed to her had to have been your true feelings. Therapists strive for the day where we can get to this point with them.

My wish for you is that you find peace in knowing that you opened up to her in a way that, at the time, you felt was something you needed to do.

tarmyg~thanks for your support. I read back through the email I sent and see it quite differently. It was not as bad as I was thinking. I was somewhat indirect and 'beat around the bush' some. But I am sure she got the hint. I didn't say I was in love with her, or had fantasies about her. I just told her that the feelings I was having were not comfortable for me.

I am trying to see this as a positive. I agree with you that therapists strive for the day when we can be totally transparent with them. This is when the real healing can take place. I realize that this is the weekend. She has a family with two children that are active in sports and things in the community. She is active in her church as well. I am sure that she has been busy tending to her family.

I am sure she has read it by now, but has to wait for a time when she can sit down and give a proper response (that is what she calls it). She probably won't go into a lot of detail about the 'feelings'. I am sure she will just try to calm me down and let me know that it is okay to feel like that, and she is not creeped out by it.

I have a good idea that we will talk about this on Monday. I don't want to! I want to forget that I ever brought it up, but I know she won't let me.

[tarmyg]

Glad to see that you are looking at it more positively. As I was reading your last response I thought to myself "Squiggle seems to have a good feel on how her therapist thinks."

Relax, breathe, and enjoy the rest of the weekend.!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh Squiggle!!

The waiting can wreak so much havoc on our thoughts and emotions...such a rollercoaster....

I hope your T gets back to you soon. I admire your honesty. SO hard.

[SpiritRunner]

Waiting is hard work! Sometimes waiting is harder work than actually doing something....well, waiting is doing something all right, but it doesn't actually always feel like things are getting done!
I have to differ with you on one thing......about the T not having a bond with us, even though we have a bond with them. Well, having a bond with someone is not a one-sided thing! A bond signifies that 2 are bound together......and T and client are bound together in a therapeutic relationship. The thing about this sort of bond that is so frustrating, difficult to deal with, hard to fully comprehend, for so many of us, is that it is not an equal bond! However, it is a bond on both sides.....T and us......what is different are the emotions and the depth and intensity of them.
I know what you mean, I think, though......the feeling of being attached to T, and T is not attached to you as you are attached to her. This would be true, yes.......but there is still the bond of the therapeutic relationship that is a 2-sided thing. Guess I'm just thinking of the bond and the attachment as different things......probably others have different (and perhaps better!) thoughts/perceptions of this than do I.

[rainbow8]

((((((((Squiggle))))))))

I identify so much with what you are going through!!! You wrote that we are NOT supposed to have feelings for our T. Where did you get that idea? There is no "supposed to". It is natural to have feelings for our T! My former T told me it's common for a client to "love" their T. I don't know if she meant it's transference or real feelings of love, but I think what we can feel for our T is a combination.

Your T won't be angry with you. I guarantee it!! Ts know we are likely to have these feelings for them. It's great that you were able to tell her.

I didn't say I was in love with her, or had fantasies about her. I just told her that the feelings I was having were not comfortable for me.

It's okay even if you DO feel that about her. That's normal too.

I am sure she has read it by now, but has to wait for a time when she can sit down and give a proper response (that is what she calls it). She probably won't go into a lot of detail about the 'feelings'. I am sure she will just try to calm me down and let me know that it is okay to feel like that, and she is not creeped out by it.

I'm glad you're thinking that way now. I hope your T answers your email before tomorrow so you won't have to worry anymore. I know how difficult that is!! I am struggling with waiting until Tuesday to discuss the email I wrote to my T about how much I miss her.

Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure it will be rewarding and okay!

Phew! She finally responded. This is what she wrote:

"You did a good job being honest with your feelings. I am not dropping you as a client nor will I abandon you. As I said, you did good. I will send a more detailed response later when I have more time. Just take a deep breath and know you are working hard."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank God! I can relax now! As to the therapeutic bond, you guys are right about that. There has to be some sort of bond in order for therapy to work. Maybe I was thinking more of the emotional attachment and how it is not reciprocated. We need them, they don't necessarily need us.

It is complicated for sure. The strangest relationship I have ever dealt with!

I am just breathing a sigh of relief that she wrote me back. I knew she would. She always does. I was just freaking out that I admitted this to her!!! Talk about humiliation!!!

[rainbow8]

I KNEW your T would respond in a positive way!!! I agree with you that therapy is the strangest relationship there is!!!!

I'm so glad she replied and you can breathe again

Hope her reply later helps too.

[tarmyg]

I am sooooooo happy for you Squiggle!

Look at the strength you have gained in the last couple of days. You have done what so many of us are working for, in being able to be honest with ourselves and then being brave enough to reveal our deepest feelings to others!!!

You had the need & strength to "step out of your box!"

Thanks for sharing with us!!

[Sweetlove]

That was a great first reply from your T...short but meaninful...and she said she will write more later! I hope this helps and shows you that ALL of your feelings are valid.

I do agree with you about the one-sided bond...I understand this isn't SUPPOSED to be how it is, or maybe it is normal to feel this...BUT, I do feel like my T is a bit more professional then I would like him to be sometimes and this makes me feel like my "love" and connection is all on my end. It does make me feel crazy most of the time...but I''m working on it with my T a lot.

[WePow]

((((Squiggle))))

Ok, now is the time to go back and process your thoughts around this particular email.
You said that you knew she would respond "She always does," so try to feel back into where you were while you were agonizingly awaiting her response.
What made your mind panic?
How could you have used what you logically knew to soothe yourself at that time?
If you have to write another deep email in the future, how can you cause yourself to not go into a panic?

Seriously, by doing this type of processing when I freaked out with my T not responding to my hard emails, I was able to help myself in the future. It is worth the work.

Thanks WePow~This is one of our newest techniques she has introduced me to. It basically states that the event is not necessarily (usually) what causes our pain, anxiety, fear, etc...but the thoughts that we relate to the event and the emotions that those thoughts bring about. It helps to go through these steps to rewire/reprogram our thinking.

This is what I sent to my therapist AFTER I had a nervous breakdown. I should have done this prior to the melt down!!

According to R.E.B.T--Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (Dr. Albert Ellis)



(A) Event:

• I confessed to my therapist that I had uncomfortable feelings
• I expressed my disappointment that she seemed closed to talking about some things with me.

(B) Thoughts:

• What the *@## did you do that for!! You are an idiot!
• She thinks you are a sicko and never wants to see you again!
• I can never face her again. It is over.
• You have insulted her intelligence.
• She did talk about these things when I asked her to explain
• She is not a mind reader. I have to tell her what I am struggling with.
• Why do you have to tell her everything? What is wrong with you!
• She will tell her colleagues and they will get a big laugh out of it.

(C) Emotions:

• I am angry that I sent that email
• I am mad at myself for having those feelings in the first place
• I am mortified that she knows the truth
• I feel like I need to punish myself for being so ignorant
• I am scared that she will reject me
• I am worried that she will abandon me
• I am fearful that I have ruined the progress we have made together

(D) Challenge Thoughts:

• Why do you think you did something wrong?
• How do you know what she is thinking?
• Is it wrong to need to discuss uncomfortable things?
• Do you really think she will never want to see you again?
• Is it realistic to believe that she will tell her colleagues?
• Is it realistic to believe that she is going to kick you out of therapy?

(E) Effective New thinking

• It is okay to be scared when I face truths
• I am brave to tell my therapist how I feel
• She is not going to judge me or kick me out of therapy
• This was a big step for me and not something to be ashamed of
• I will feel so much better having gotten this out in the open
• Confession allows me to be free and move away from guilt
• I am doing well in therapy. She likes that I am being honest.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Thanks WePow~This is one of our newest techniques she has introduced me to. It basically states that the event is not necessarily (usually) what causes our pain, anxiety, fear, etc...but the thoughts that we relate to the event and the emotions that those thoughts bring about. It helps to go through these steps to rewire/reprogram our thinking.

This is what I sent to my therapist AFTER I had a nervous breakdown. I should have done this prior to the melt down!!

According to R.E.B.T--Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (Dr. Albert Ellis)



(A) Event:

• I confessed to my therapist that I had uncomfortable feelings
• I expressed my disappointment that she seemed closed to talking about some things with me.

(B) Thoughts:

• What the *@## did you do that for!! You are an idiot!
• She thinks you are a sicko and never wants to see you again!
• I can never face her again. It is over.
• You have insulted her intelligence.
• She did talk about these things when I asked her to explain
• She is not a mind reader. I have to tell her what I am struggling with.
• Why do you have to tell her everything? What is wrong with you!
• She will tell her colleagues and they will get a big laugh out of it.

(C) Emotions:

• I am angry that I sent that email
• I am mad at myself for having those feelings in the first place
• I am mortified that she knows the truth
• I feel like I need to punish myself for being so ignorant
• I am scared that she will reject me
• I am worried that she will abandon me
• I am fearful that I have ruined the progress we have made together

(D) Challenge Thoughts:

• Why do you think you did something wrong?
• How do you know what she is thinking?
• Is it wrong to need to discuss uncomfortable things?
• Do you really think she will never want to see you again?
• Is it realistic to believe that she will tell her colleagues?
• Is it realistic to believe that she is going to kick you out of therapy?

(E) Effective New thinking

• It is okay to be scared when I face truths
• I am brave to tell my therapist how I feel
• She is not going to judge me or kick me out of therapy
• This was a big step for me and not something to be ashamed of
• I will feel so much better having gotten this out in the open
• Confession allows me to be free and move away from guilt
• I am doing well in therapy. She likes that I am being honest.

Wow - this is so interesting! Maybe this is something I should use to help me when I'm getting all worked up over something.....

[(JD)]

Yep you're doing well. Good CBT also produces such insights... now to get them to click in before you start having all those self-hateful thoughts!

Originally Posted by (JD)

Yep you're doing well. Good CBT also produces such insights... now to get them to click in before you start having all those self-hateful thoughts!

JD~that is kinda neat. Having a 'real' therapist read my post! I wish there were more of you on this sight. Having that 'professional' insight would be good. Not minimizing the great help I get from others in here. They have been wonderful and a much needed support system for me.

My therapist told me the same thing about using REBT. I have got to practice (learn) how to use this process BEFORE those self-hate, negative thoughts start taking over.

[WePow]

Squiggle, EXCELLENT work! It is OK that you did this after the panic.
The point is that you did it. And that counts.
Remember that our "should have" thoughts are also cognative distortions -
http://www.atlantapsychiatry.com/for...istortions.pdf

Give yourself a good pat on the back :-)

Okay. This is her response. I feel sick. I am terrified to talk with her about this. I have to admit that the sexual thing is part of my issue. Geez!! How do you tell your therapist that part? I don't have any idea why I have those kinds of feelings toward her.

Am I alone in this? Am I some weirdo pervert?

------------------------------------------------------------
Squiggle,

I am trying to understand exactly what feelings you are having related to our relationship. I need to know if they are developing into a serious attachment, if they are developing into a dependency, or if they are becoming sexual in nature. No, I am not creeped out or disgusted by your revelations.

No I will not abandon you or "drop" you as a client. If you are having difficulty sorting through your feelings and you are confused then this can be a good thing. I believe it means you are actually allowing yourself to open up some and experience emotions.

The fact that they confuse you means you have suppressed your feelings for so long that it is difficult for you to know exactly what you feel. We do need to explore exactly what you are feelings to ensure you work through them in a healthy way.

You have to keep in mind that relationships are the one thing you have struggled with along with your perception of yourself. I truly believe you long to have a close relationship with, not only others, but with yourself.

It sounds like either projection or transference. I have not decided which. Projection is a defense mechanism where ones unacceptable behavior or thoughts are attributed to someone else.

Transference is where the client projects powerful attitudes and emotions onto the therapist. It may be a little of both. We definitely need to explore this on Monday in order to understand it and help you continue to make progress in therapy.

The part you are responsible for is being honest in person and ask for what you need. You have "tip-toed" around this issue and expected me to "pounce" on it and "force" you to look at it. You need to take responsibility for this issue and face it in the therapy session.

If you are angry right now that is fine. You have been struggling with this for weeks now. I wonder how much better you would feel if you allowed yourself to honestly work on this in the therapy session.

I am not here to judge you or condemn you. My job is to help you work through the issues that are making your life unmanageable. This may sound like a reprimand, but it is not.

You need to ask yourself if you are expecting me to "make" you address issues that are important? Are you avoiding these issues in therapy because you do not want to face the feelings, take responsibility for shining the light on them, both of these, or neither of these.

It is quite common for a client to not bring up a subject because they do not want to take responsibility for causing themselves pain. It is avoidance.

Again, this is NOT a condemnation in any way. These are things for you to explore.

Therapist

[Sweetlove]

That is very cool, Squiggle. I might actually use this kind of thing in between sessions when I need to process things by myself. Thanks for sharing!

[rainbow8]

((((((Squiggle))))))

Your T really gave you a detailed response! That's kind of amazing to me. She sounds very dedicated to you and your work together!

Don't panic! You just worked out that R.E.B.T. which I've never seen before, and it was great!!! Can you look at it again and calm yourself down?

You're not a weirdo.

I have to admit that the sexual thing is part of my issue. Geez!! How do you tell your therapist that part? I don't have any idea why I have those kinds of feelings toward her.

I've had and still have those kinds of feelings/reactions to my various Ts. Years ago, I told my first T and she said my feelings were sensual, not sexual. She said my feelings get sexualized. My current T and I decided I have my wires crossed somehow. I still don't understand and have a lot of questions about the subject.

How do you tell a T? With difficulty! I asked if it was TMI and they all said "no". Actually, one T thought what I told another one was TMI but she was the only one who thought that, and she was WRONG. Nothing is TMI when you're in therapy!!

You could be having those feelings because of the intimacy of therapy, and not because of anything more. I know it will be hard to talk about, really hard, but you've already paved the way by being honest with your T. She's already said she's not going to judge you or anything like that. Put a pillow over your face, or the blanket, or something, if you have to!! Ts are used to talking about this subject just the same as any other subject.

[Sweetlove]

Squiggle, I just read her response. I think its pretty wonderful.

She addressed everything honestly, but gently. She wasn't judgmental, critical, or disgusted...she was harsh in a great way. I think she's extremely interested and willing to work through this with you. Actually, I think she's more than interested and willing, she WANTS to do this...and what more can you ask for? I love when my T actually WANTS to work through things with me, so I feel like I'm not talking about things he doesn't want to or wasting his time.

I know this is going to be uncomfortable for you to process and work through, but I think this is the time...it is out in the open, she knows your feelings and is comfortable with them. Don't be scared, it sounds like you are in fantastic hands.

Much love, support, and luck for tomorrow

(((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))))

Good for you for being so honest. Working through all of my big, big, big feelings for T has been a big part of my therapy. I just love him, A LOT. I used to tell him "my love for you is TOO BIG", because it just felt overwhelming.

Somehow, it's calmed down into a secure attachment. Maybe I have just learned to be more comfortable with feelings - so it's not that I love him less, but it's that feelings aren't so surprising and overwhelming to me anymore.

When I started therapy, I told T that my goal was to "feel my feelings". Boy, have I second-guessed that about a zillion times!!

Good luck tomorrow

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( Squiggle )))))))

That is an amazing email from T. I hope it gave you some comfort, but I know it's hard to take that in when you have such great fear of working through this with T coming into play.

My T has always encouraged me to "be curious" about my feelings. If I can take a step away from the BIGness of it and then try to figure them out, where they stem from, etc. - then it helps to allow the work to be done.

And when all is said and done, you will learn so much about yourself. Your honesty will give T the ability to help you.

((( HUGS )))