The WORST Session of my life!!

Squiggle I have had those sessions so many times, then never wanting to go back. But the session AFTER the horrible one always ends up being the best. We end up figuring out exactly what happened and of course it is much deeper and meaninful than I thought...because it's therapy and EVERYTHING has meaning apparently

It was one of the most emotional (nonemotional) sessions I have been in. In the beginning I was sitting in the floor listening to my music, and I cry. Sobbed. Once the music was over I got back on the couch and just sat there like a stone. She sat there as well. Almost as if she were waiting for me to say something. After 10 minutes or so, she finally started asking me some things. I didn't answer much of anything she said.

I was hoping that I would have a breakthrough point and feel so much better, but I didn't. I couldn't go there for some reason. My thoughts went to how I long to just be held. Have someone hold me and make me feel loved and safe. This is when I started crying again. She asked me what the tears were about. I said, "I don't know". I did not want to tell her. We have talked about my marriage for the past year. Nothing is going to change, so why bring it up again.

She kept on asking me "Your tears tell me that you feeling something. Can you tell me what you are feeling?

Dead silence. Once again she asked, "Squiggle, why have you come today? What do you need to happen in this session? What do you need from me today?"

I didn't say a word. Just looked at her and said nothing.

It seems like you were protecting yourself. It's so tough (almost impossible) to talk about that which hurts so much. If we let loose, what might happen?

I must say though that I don't really like her questions, "why have you come today...?" I know for myself, I go to T because I'm so confused. I would not be able to always answer such questions. Except maybe say, "I need help but I don't know for what or how." I have shut down before also and it comes from fear and confusion.

Hey squiggle,

I have had sessions were i go numb and cant answer and i end up hating myself for it.
I do think that you were projecting your anger onto her that you were really feeling for yourself- feeling the need to blame her for your feelings and behaviour to avoid taking ownership yourself.
I think she sounds like a great therapist (sorry but i am being honest) - one who lets you be you, who doesnt react badly to agression, who accepts contact between sessions, who trys to provide insight etc.
Deep down it sounds like you really like her too or at least value her help if you were panicked about ending the session early or having an 18 day gap - does that not suggest you find her supportive?

She is trained not to answer your questions or take the lead in making decisons for you or pushing you into things because clients in therapy are vulnerable and often very impressionable. Also there will come a day when shes not there and you will need to answer these questions yourself, so shes only there to make you think about things, lightly challenge when nesscary and listen.
You cannot demand someone to be agressive with you just because you pay her - a therapist who is agressive is dangerous to their clients. But what she did do was accept your aggression without criticism - not many therapists would accept a client swearing at them or even doing so via email, as its just seen as counter productive.

I know you prob wont like my answer but I am being honest. It sounds like you have a therapist who wants to help but she can only do so much and this is upsetting for you and makes you feel angry as you want her to sort things out more and take charge, thats understandable. Maybe when your in a more stable place you will see the good side to the session you had and be able to get something productive from it

all the best
Diz

This made me cringe a little. I have to be honest. Actually I felt like she took too much control! It scares me that I have to leave my therapist who gives me all reign and that I possibly might be put with a therapist who "challenges" me like this. When I sit dead and alone. I want to be there. If he tries to bring me out of it, I freak out on him. (And yes I have told my therapist to shut the ***** up). Actually I did it today. At first I hated disrespecting him like that. But he knows it's not personal. I only tell him that when he attempts to challenge me and I feel a loss of control over my treatment.

In my opinion I don't think she's NOT pushing you. She's just not pushing you like you want to be pushed. She's pushing you to own your emotions. Tough transition it seems, but if she gave in and victimized you where would that put you?

My therapist gave me his email once and told me "if I needed to express something to him in email to email him." I never went down that long road. Not ever. I've emailed him maybe a total of 2 times and only when I was in Crisis and couldn't bring myself to call the on call phone. I could easily get sucked up in telling him my emotions over a computer screen. That's so easy to do. It's distant and at first, the easiest way. But everyone has to leave it at sometime, and it won't be an easy transition. That's why I never started. Although I've also never been completely able to express much of anything of importance to my therapist either. So shows what I know about starting to use your voice.

This is something I do do with my therapist. I have a part of me who is pretty mute and doesn't talk much, so I will write notes to him and give them to him in person. Could that be a next step to learning to express things? I mean you know she's in the room with you, and you know she will read it RIGHT then, so it's more connected then email. But you don't have to think out your words that you are speaking, which is really anxiety provoking. You can erase, and cross out and it's a step up to being more present. Soon we have decided that I will start to write the notes in front of him, rather then at home. Another step up to being present. And the very last step (breathe) is to say what you're really feeling without writing.

Sure I can curse my therapist out, but don't ask me what's behind it???

Oh how awful. I hope you CAN reach out at moments like that. T is right you do deserve it.

((((((Squiggle)))))))

Based on your description of this session, I think it may have been one of the more "productive" sessions. But those are the ones that feel like the worst. When I was in college, I would see that T and spend almost all the time burning mental holes through his head as I crossed my arms and refused to think or feel or talk. He was literally making me come as a condition of staying in college. But I felt that it was a complete waist of time and energy. I did end up learning how to open up to him, but the first emotions were anger - rage. We didn't get far because I graduated, but this past couple of years with my new T have brought me some sessions like what you describe.

There are times in session when the pain is too deep and there are no words to descibe it. My T would hand me that feeling chart and ask me to label my feeling. I would often sit there with my arms crossed as hot tears rolled silently down my cheeks. I held eye contact with him and tried to force the feelings over to him telepathically - because that was the only way I knew how to share them.

My T finally got it and he was like "mmmmmm I understand" ... That made me very curious. He asked some questions and he figured out the reason I was unable to give a name to my emotion and my pain was because it was created when I was an infant. Pre-verbal abuse. All I had was body feelings and anger that had no words or even a concept behind them.

I wanted to share that with you because I sense you have some type of a very early and deep pain that you are starting to access in session. It will take a lot of hard work for you to keep going into that place inside and trying to be with it as you learn how to bring words into that part.

I hope that you are right. I am not feeling that right now. I am quite angry with my therapist at the moment. I feel like she did nothing to help me yesterday. I want her to 'get in my face', but she won't. She keeps telling me that I have to be the one to 'want' this. How can you want something when you are not even sure what it is that you want!!

Therapy is expensive. I cannot waste a session sitting there in silence and not talking. What good did that do? It made me feel even more miserable, that's what it did!

(((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))

What would "getting in your face" look like? I'm curious as to what you were needing from her.

Reading about your session, it sounds like she was asking questions to try to get you to talk, but it sounds like it wasn't quite enough, or maybe not quite what you were looking for. Do you know what you WERE looking for?

I'm sorry you're left with so many big, big feelings after your session. That feels hard.

gosh, I think I am going to make you mad at me, too, but that really DOES sound productive, dear Squiggle! It really does! I have had a session or 2 like that.....it's leading somewhere forward, whether it felt that way or not!
And your T is right, you are not a child! She does not have to MAKE you talk, she does not have to try to make you mad - my T said to me before that she thought I was trying to push her into making me mad, into hurting me. I wanted her to whip me so to speak with her words. She said she is not going to play that game.....and she doesn't have to, because it was, is, a game. We aren't paying Ts to play those games with us. We might WANT them to make us do something, make us talk, make us mad, but they aren't going to play into that sort of wish. They want talking, feeling, to be our choice, not something they manipulate us into.
Your T, as much as you hate it, is handling it right. She sees that you are angry, she sees that you are angry at her, she is asking you to face that, but in session she is NOT going to poke and prod and goad you into exploding. How therapeutic would that really be, for her to push you in that manner.
And if you say, I was SO mad, I think you weren't unfeeling in session! I think her sitting in silence with you DID make you mad like you said you wanted to do to you. Only you wanted her to do with words, rather than silence.....
I hope I haven't been offensive by talking straight here, but I really do think that was a productive session and your T is handling things with you right whether it feels good or not! I know it's hard to leave with big, hard, hurtful feelings, and I am sorry for that, but for me, the times after sessions like that have actually turned out to be more insightful and more like breakthroughs than the times I left feeling all at ease....

Your t sounds like a very wise woman. She's right. You are going to have to communicate with her what you are feeling and thinking.

And this whole you want her to get in your face thing . . . what's that about? Why do you need someone to act angry and controlling with you to make progress. Something to explore.

I know, my first thought was what a great therapist you have. As usual, I'm with Chris, I would look at why you want your therapist to be angry with you. Why are seeking this kind of external motivation?

I'm thinking she's trying not to duplicate relationships you've had in the past? Maybe?

wow (((squiggle))) in a lot of ways i go through this same struggle with every session i go to.it seems to never go away.i have to say that you post may have given me some insight into whare my T may be comming from when she just sits and says nothing session after session also.i need to put a lot of thought into this.i dont really have any answers but i do know how you are feeling big time the anger and frustration and all.i hope you and your T are able to work things out.

Therapy isn't like , hey, here's $40 fix my car. It's more like hey, here's $40, now what?

If the answer to 'now what?' is you do it Mr./Mrs. Therapist, then firstly, the therapist is probably not going to be comfortable and secondly, what good is it for the patient to be passive, just letting the therapist perform some shenanigans that will fix everything?

I'm pretty sure that effective therapy doesn't work that way.

Involvement by the patient and involvement with fewer cues or hints from the therapist is probable the best treatment.

Squiggle, I'm sure you're impressed as am I of the wonderful feedback you're getting from your friends on PC. They have so much experience and insight that I think you might study their thoughts and suggestions carefully. I love how the PC crew don't hesitate to be there by your side. I think we're all lucky that we've found each other.

I agree with WePow about the pre-verbal stuff. There was no language for what was going on with me when it was happening and it still is something that is just with me that doesn't have a name. I could sit with my T for a month of Sundays and never name it. I will have to just accept it someday I guess.
I think I also know how to react, or am more used to people in authority being angry with me. It is hard for me to accept people being nice to me, giving me compliments etc. because I was used to being around angry demanding parents. Is that more comfortable for you?

Dang! I just want my T to 'fix' me. Oh well.

Thanks for all of your replies. I figured that many of you would be on her side. Maybe I will in a few days, but right now I am wondering what she is there for? What exactly is her job? To be a sounding board? To listen to all my crap? To give me a pat on the back when I do something good?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? What is the therapist doing for you? She sits in the chair and listens to you talk. That's a pretty great job to get paid that kind of money to sit and listen to people talk about their issues. Aren't they supposed to do anything else?

I want her to initiate more than she does. I know that sessions are supposed to be "all about me", but ME needs some help sometimes! I do not want to do all the talking. I want her to DO SOMETHING besides sit there and look at me!

She knows that I have this issue about her getting close to me. Like sitting next to me on the couch. She KNOWS that I want to get past that. Why can't she say, "Would you like to try to work on your hesitation to have me sit close to you? Are you comfortable working on that today?"

Now what is wrong with her initiating that? Sometimes I cannot do that on my own. I need for her to take the lead. I send her plenty of emails to keep her fully aware of what I am thinking and feeling. She can take something from that and work with me in our session. As you can tell, I am still upset about it all.

I do not want to go to therapy to have this strange kind of relationship. What is she doing for me other than listening to me vent, cry, and complain about how pitiful my life is? I have done this for a year now. What now? Where are we going now? There are no more skeletons, no more stories, nothing I can pull out that would shock her.

Mad at her? Yes, I am. Do I feel guilty for that? Yes, I do. Has she helped me at all? Yes, she has. So why am I so upset? I do not see this as any kind of breakthrough at all. What exactly did I break through on? Other than the fact that I am highly ticked off at her, nothing good came from a session of sitting in silence and allowing her to STARE AT ME the whole time.

I know that some of you are grinning about now because you have been through this. You know that I will more than likely be on here in a week or so sharing about how fabulous therapy is. That makes me even madder!! To know that I am going to be eating my words when I get past this anger!

But if I may take this time to express my anger....I am mad.... and I would like to tell her just how mad I am at her!

I really did not feel any painful emotions while I was in session. I was more numb than anything. The only reason I teared up was because I had brought music with me. Those songs really touched me. I always cry to those songs, so that was no big deal and had nothing to do with painful emotions. (I am sure my therapist will disagree. She always does!)

Yes, I think it was the WORST session I have ever had. It was terrible, awful, horrible, a catastrophy! I am not sure why some or you see this as a breakthrough. Please fill me in because I totally see this as a FAILURE!

I feel like a STUPID IDIOT! That is how I felt and how I feel now. To add to that, anger is raging. I am so mad about it, I could......well, I don't know what I could do, but it is probably not something I would confess on here!

I wonder what she was thinking. Probably something like, "I wish you would get your big fat ***** off my couch and go home! You are not talking anyway and you are wasting my time! Go home you pathetic loser! Don't let the door hit you in the ***** on the way out! Don't bother coming back until you can get your act together! I have better things to do than sit here and look at you sitting here staring at the wall!

I mean I don't think anyone here is THAT attached to their opinion. If it was a crappy session, it was a crappy session! I'm really amazed how deeply all of us have thought about silence and the completely different meaning it has for a lot of us. But it's just like a hunch.

I really just had a feeling that (I'm a teacher too) she was refusing to give you the answer before actually seeing if you could get it yourself. I mean, if a student thinks they can't get the answer, it is undermining their confidence to just give it to them without trying to find out what they know first.

Ps you are definitely not an idiot.

From another teacher, I so agree. With a student rather than give the answer as lastyearisblank said, our job is to help them learn how to find the answer. Giving them the answer solves that one problem. Teaching how to find the answer, solves many of the same types of problems.

I understand where you and lastyearisblank are coming from, but she did not even help me TRY to find a solution! With my students, I will remind them of the steps, or the strategies, or clues to help them solve the problem. I will ask them "What are the steps? What are the strategies we learned? Do you remember any clues that we talked about? Think about those and see if that helps you find the answer."

That is not giving them the answer, but making a very distressed student refocus and remember what we learned. This gives them the confidence that they can do it.

I do not just tell them, "Go back to your seat and figure it out on your own!" That is how I felt yesterday. It may not be the right feelings, but that is how it made me feel for her to allow me to sit there and suffer alone.

I am sorry to be so ANGRY! I am not even sure what I am angry about. I try to talk with my husband and he seems to find it amusing and kinda funny that I am acting like this is such a big deal.

He says, "Obviously therapy is working to get you this upset. She must be doing something right to get you so worked up." (He then grins to himself)

That makes no sense at all. I can get mad and upset without having to pay for it! What is the point of her making me mad? What good is that doing??

Oh, squiggle, it has nothing to do with being on her side, and not on yours! We are on your side, we are supporting you, whether you are happy or angry or sad or confused, we are supporting you!
Like lyib said, if it felt crappy, it felt crappy, it was crappy!
It's just that many of us are seeing that your T is competent and wise.....and when you are angry, when you are the one who had the crappy session, it's hard to see that, and so you are questioning her, questioning why you are in therapy, if it is worth what you're paying. Shoot, you think I didn't wonder why I paid my T to hurt me terribly when she took away the hugs a couple weeks ago.....I could have had a 'friend' hurt me like that for free! I could have chosen not to go back, to question her competence.....well, I did question those things. But I went back, talked to her about my feelings, we had clear communication of our feelings, our expectations.....now the relationship is on much better footing, we are starting to get some really good work done because honest, clear communication has built a stronger foundation. Also because I had the courage to keep going and she had the grace to admit where she was wrong and the wisdom to see how to make it better.....I think this can end up being true in your therapy, your T relationship too....
Anyway, so I was paying T to learn how to keep trusting when hurt, how to strengthen a relationship that was sorely tested, how to communicate hurt feelings in an honest, gracious way.....valuable lessons worth paying for. Now I am paying her to teach me to learn how to lay down my emotional armor and feel my feelings....worth it! Who else is going to take 2 hours and give me undivided attention in those 2 sessions per week to work on something like that, something I desperately need for my mental health........ Who else but T is going to help you feel your feelings, deal with your anger? In facing your anger toward T and finding the reasons why, you are learning valuable lessons. There are valuable lessons for you to learn about you in going through this shutdown feeling time too....
Sorry I got long-winded...... But I AM on your side, wanting you to heal and believing that this T does have what it takes to help you. You ARE doing valuable work right now even if it feels like you aren't!

(((((Squiggle))))) Don't appologize for feeling angry! This is the RIGHT place to feel that. It is OK to be totally ticked off right now! And PG is right, we are on YOUR side :-) So is your T ((I thought you may like that))

You are working very hard on feeling this anger - and that is a big part of therapy.
There is a reason you are having this response to your T not doing therapy the way you want her to do therapy. There is a core issue this is touching. It is also hard work you are doing by posting here and being so honest. ((( That is a GREAT job!)))
And that is touching a nerve too.

You are on the verge of a very big breakthrough - that is my sense of what you may be experiencing. Allow this RAGE to be what it is. Don't hide it. Don't deny it. Go fully into it and watch it. See where it takes you. We are there with you on this path.