[peaches100]

I need some advice.

My t has been taking alot of time off in recent months, and I'm really struggling with having to skip so many of my sessions. I have separation and loss issues from childhood, as well as attachment problems, so it has always been a challenge for me when my t has gone out of town and I can't see her for awhile. I've gotten really good over time about missing one session (a 2-week span). I don't like it, i feel a very painful void (which i am sure has more to do with the past then the present), and it really hurts! But what i usually do is just keep really busy and try not to think about it and hope the week goes by fast. If i only have to miss a session occasionally, this works well for me.

But since December, I've had to miss alot of sessions. My t took 2 weeks off in December, 1 week in January, then i missed another week because of being sick. She's out again this week, and she'll be gone 1 week in May and 2 weeks in July. I understand her need for vacation time, and she has other things going on in her personal life. But missing sessions this often is getting too difficult for me. I don't feel like our connection is as strong anymore. And the repeated separation triggers that i get when she leaves, which relate to my separation pain with my mom, are painful and feel lke something that i have to deal with all the time now.

I've told my t several times in email how hard it is for me when she goes out of town and we have to miss sessions. And she usually responds with something like, "Put the child parts into a safe place and let them know we will get to their concerns later," or "Be mindful and use your coping skills." This week, she is out of the office but not out of town, and she said she would pick up her messages. So I told her again the difficulty I'm having with the missed sessions. I told her that it feels like I am "losing her in little pieces." She responded by saying, "I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I know you are working hard. I hope you will use your mindfulness of present moment and you notice yourself worrying about the future."

But I don't feel like she understands! I'm not worrying about the future (termination), though I often have worried about it. I'm trying to tell her how I feel now, in the present moment, when i have to miss my session. Little by little, i'm feeling less and less support from her, and it hurts!! I've come to depend on our weekly sessions to help me cope, and when i don't have that, i feel a very real void. I can deal with it occasionally, but it's starting to feel like all the time.

I think I'm looking for reassurance from her that even though we're missing our session, our connection is still intact and she still thinks about me and cares. But instead, i get reminded of my coping skills or told how my thinking is off base. I appreciate the advice, because it's usually always well founded. But I'm not getting the reassurance that we're still connected, and that these breaks are not breaking down the connection. I guess in a way, i need to be reminded that she's here with me even when she isn't physically here. I guess i'm needing compassion and connection, but i'm getting counsel and coaching. I know I need all of that, but right now, i really feel like it's the compassion and connection I'm needing. But i don't feel like she gets it.

In the past, whenever i felt misunderstood or hurt, i would withdraw from my t and disconnect emotionally. I would just get very businesslike, and hide behind a mask, and deny that there was a problem. It took me a very long time to learn to stay with the connection, and talk about the problem or the hurt, until it got resolved. Now, when i feel misunderstood or hurt, i try not to disconnect from her emotionally, but keep the connection and talk it through. But it's not working this time. I don't feel like she is hearing me when i tell her that i'm really struggling with these missed sessions. I'm having a really rough time trying to get used to having less support and connection. And i feel like she doesn't acknowledge it. If i put it in an email, she usually doesn't respond to that part of my email. And even though i've said several times how hard this is for me in my emails to her, she never brings it up when we're in session or talks to me about how I/we can make it easier for me when i have to miss a session.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring it up face to face with her in session because I already feel really lame that I've let her know how attached i am and how hard all this is for me. I need some kind of pride left. I don't want to beg for her attention/care/help.

[Suratji]

Peaches, that is so so sad. I have no idea what I'd do in similar circumstances. My T will be gone for a week next week and it will be so hard for me that I'm going to leave town also just so that I will have a lot of distraction by traveling and mixing with people.

But you are missing a lot more sessions PLUS you're feeling a distance growing between you and T. How painful! I think I would want to die if that happened with me and T. And I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to beg for attention.

I have no suggestions because I can't imagine trying to cope with such a situation. I'm sure there are others here on PC who will be able to share similar stories and give you some good advice.

My thoughts are with you.

[ladyjrnlist]

T is right use the coping skills. This is a good time to practice them. You can regain the closeness when the session become regular again. The distance is only temporary.

[Sannah]

Peaches, so you don't feel that your T wants to talk about your relationship?

Have you been able to work in therapy on the original stuff that is getting triggered up that is related to your mom?

[Symbiosis]

You want to know she gives a flip and if she did, she would try to be more comforting because she realizes your issues and sensitivity to the disruption of the schedule---is that somewhat true?

I'm at the same place right now. My T has been away for 3 weeks and I wasn't prepared for any of his absences. Now I keep wanting him to check in and of course, he won't. That would show too much caring and concern and why on earth should we expect support for our therapists?! Errr.

When do you see her next?

Maybe we can stew together? I'm climbing the walls!

[with or without you]

Mine had to reschedule 2 sessions due to illness recently. Once back in January and the other time was last week. Now I won't be talking to her again until April 7, because she won't be in the office the week before. (I always go every 2 weeks, unlike most people...every week is too much for me.) So I have to hang on for three weeks this time. Is there a close friend or family member you can talk to about things? Hang in there.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Peaches, that is so so sad. I have no idea what I'd do in similar circumstances. My T will be gone for a week next week and it will be so hard for me that I'm going to leave town also just so that I will have a lot of distraction by traveling and mixing with people.

But you are missing a lot more sessions PLUS you're feeling a distance growing between you and T. How painful! I think I would want to die if that happened with me and T. And I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to beg for attention.

I have no suggestions because I can't imagine trying to cope with such a situation. I'm sure there are others here on PC who will be able to share similar stories and give you some good advice.

My thoughts are with you.

Hi Suratji,

Thanks for understanding. The problem is that I'm asking her for reassurance about our connection, and her help to adjust to less support, so it doesn't feel like i am losing her. But the more i tell her how i feel, the more she tells me to use my coping skills (i.e., help myself).

The problem isn't that i can't get through the week without seeing her her. Obviously, i manage to do it. But it's hard for me, and i need her to know that it is hard, and why it is hard. Seeing her less feels like less support, which feels like less of a connection or relationship with her. It's not rocket science. Just telling me to use my skills doesn't help me feel more connected with her. It feels like she's telling me to suck it up and cope alone.

She knows about my problems with attachment and loss. She knows my dire fears about letting myself get attached with her, and of then having to lose her. She's a smart lady. She has to know that starting to miss alot of sessions would be hard for me. She has to know that adjusting to less support would feel like loss, and i might have a really hard time with it and need help to adjust. But she's replying with intellectual instructions for my head, rather than connection for my heart.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

T is right use the coping skills. This is a good time to practice them. You can regain the closeness when the session become regular again. The distance is only temporary.

Ladyjrnlst,

So you feel that my t is doing the right thing by continuing to point me toward my own coping skills and ways to manage myself? The problem is that our sessions don't seem like they are going to become regular. She has time off scheduled in the near future also. Eventually, she's going to retire, maybe within the year. This feels bad to me.

[maggyjo]

Wow I could have written this exact post about my last T. I think it's a big deal that you are not feeling heard, comforted or reassured. I hope you can get some better answers from her, have you considered changing T's?

Maggy

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Peaches, so you don't feel that your T wants to talk about your relationship?

Have you been able to work in therapy on the original stuff that is getting triggered up that is related to your mom?

Sannah,

Yes, we did some EMDR about loss with my mom a couple of weeks ago. The session actually went well, with me feeling like i had some control over the previously unmanageable emotions. So it really felt like progress. But then last week, i needed to bring my h to my session, so I really didn't get to connect with her or talk about these loss issues. And now this week, my tis off, so no session altogether.

I feel like I've been a good sport about my t's time off, but it's getting to be too much!! It feels bad, and there's nothing i can do about it. Even when we start to do some deep work that feels meaningful, the next thing i know is she's taking time off again, and the interruption just prevents us from having any continuity at all.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

You want to know she gives a flip and if she did, she would try to be more comforting because she realizes your issues and sensitivity to the disruption of the schedule---is that somewhat true?

I'm at the same place right now. My T has been away for 3 weeks and I wasn't prepared for any of his absences. Now I keep wanting him to check in and of course, he won't. That would show too much caring and concern and why on earth should we expect support for our therapists?! Errr.

When do you see her next?

Maybe we can stew together? I'm climbing the walls!

Symbiosis,

You want to know she gives a flip and if she did, she would try to be more comforting because she realizes your issues and sensitivity to the disruption of the schedule, is that somewhat true?

EXACTLY!!! I wish i would have had your words when I've tried to explain it to my t. When i try to tell her how i feel, i'm too verbose, can't make it concise enough, and ramble. I'm pretty sure she's sick of reading my emails and when she gets one thinks, "Oh no! Not another message from T! She just says the same thing over and over."

Yes. . .i want her to recognize this is a hurdle for me and. . .seeing as i've been so practically phobic about attaching with her. . .couldn't she please deal a bit more compassionately when she starts to pull away from me? I mean, yes, obviously the point of therapy is to grow and to do more for yourself and not need t as much. But when your issue is not having the connection or support you had in childhood, and now your t is withdrawing some support and wanting you to stand on your own more. . .a compassionate t is going to realize that it's going to trigger old issues and potentially feel like an abandonment. They should let you know that growing and changing doesn't mean they are going to lose your caring or support. Shouldn't they?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

You want to know she gives a flip and if she did, she would try to be more comforting because she realizes your issues and sensitivity to the disruption of the schedule---is that somewhat true?

I'm at the same place right now. My T has been away for 3 weeks and I wasn't prepared for any of his absences. Now I keep wanting him to check in and of course, he won't. That would show too much caring and concern and why on earth should we expect support for our therapists?! Errr.

When do you see her next?

Maybe we can stew together? I'm climbing the walls!

Symbiosis,

I see her next week and, hard as it is, I'm going to talk to her about it. It's not that i don't want to heal. But i don't want healing to mean that i lose my connection with her. So that every step forward i take, she takes a step back. i need to know her caring and commitment to me last through to the end of our work. not that with each step of progress, she is going to push me out the door.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by with or without you

Mine had to reschedule 2 sessions due to illness recently. Once back in January and the other time was last week. Now I won't be talking to her again until April 7, because she won't be in the office the week before. (I always go every 2 weeks, unlike most people...every week is too much for me.) So I have to hang on for three weeks this time. Is there a close friend or family member you can talk to about things? Hang in there.

With or without you,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this issue too. I hope the time goes by fast for you!

I keep trying to tell myself that seeing my t less, and having less support, is part of the growing process, and that I'm going to get through it, and it's not always going to feel so bad. But right now, it hurts and feels bad! It's times like these i wish i hadn't ever let myself attach to her like this. i knew pulling away was going to hurt like h*$#.

My t seems to think that if i deal with the original trauma of neglect from my parents, that my separation and loss issues with her will fade. I sure hope so. But at the same time, i can't see how that's going to make me suddenly jump up and say, "Hey! I'm all better now! Now that i've solved the issue with my mom, I realize that i'm not attached to you after all, that we never had a real relationship, and that you were just pretending to be a stand-in for my mom until I figured it all out. Guess I don't need you anymore, so bye!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by maggyjo

Wow I could have written this exact post about my last T. I think it's a big deal that you are not feeling heard, comforted or reassured. I hope you can get some better answers from her, have you considered changing T's?

Maggy

Maggyjo,

Yes, I have considered changing t's actually. But i keep feeling that the problem must be "ME." It's true that my t didn't have the specialized training she needed when she took me on. (She didn't realize how many issues i had until we got into the deeper work, and i was already attached.) But she's taken alot of training and read books to help me. And i know she does care about me. She's normally good about validating my feelings, and she always lets me talk about whatever feelings i have on my sessions. But with this issue of missed sessions, it just feels like she doesn't want to hear it.

She hasn't once acknowledged that the disruption in the schedule must be hard for me, and asked how she could help. She does say, "I'm sorry it's hard for you" or "I'm sorry you feel so bad." But no admitting that she has anything to do with my feelings of loss. It's always about the past, my relationship with my mom, etc. etc. It's like she thinks every thought and emotion and reaction i have are in response to the past and relate to my mom, and i am just mis-assigning it to her.

I've known for a year now that she's thinking of retiring, and I can't help but feel that lately, she just isn't committed to her job (or to my healing) the way she used to be. I've told her this, and she claims it's not true. She says she is still in this with me the same way she has always been.

I get confused at times because there are times when i pull away emotionally somewhat, and she lets me know that it's OK to want to attach with her. But when i talk about feeling attached or needing her or our relationship, she tends to glide over those comments and only respond to other aspects of my messages.

There are weeks i leave the session with a new big insight or feeling really hopeful. But there are other times, like now, that i just feel confused and tired of trying.

[peaches100]

I'm totally hating the whole subject of attachment right now!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm totally hating the whole subject of attachment right now!

It hurts.

[Symbiosis]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Maggyjo,
She hasn't once acknowledged that the disruption in the schedule must be hard for me, and asked how she could help. She does say, "I'm sorry it's hard for you" or "I'm sorry you feel so bad." But no admitting that she has anything to do with my feelings of loss. It's always about the past, my relationship with my mom, etc. etc. It's like she thinks every thought and emotion and reaction i have are in response to the past and relate to my mom, and i am just mis-assigning it to her.

That's very frustrating! I'm going through something so similar.

I want the issue to separate into two:

1) What T has done or is not doing that is exacerbating the situation
2) How my reaction amplifies #1; my part in the whole thing

But I want #1 addressed first! Like take some responsibility because I'm not the one that has disrupted our schedule and ANYONE would likely be upset to some degree. Isn't always about my issues.

You said she is good with validating your feelings---that will help, right? I'm afraid the more I admit my honest feelings, the more clinical/distant my T will become.

So will you be in contact with her between now and then? Or will you just wait until next session to cover it?

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Symbiosis

I'm afraid the more I admit my honest feelings, the more clinical/distant my T will become.

Oh no, who would see a T that becomes more distant when we admit our honest feelings? Should your T even be in the profession?

[Symbiosis]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Oh no, who would see a T that becomes more distant when we admit our honest feelings? Should your T even be in the profession?

Sometimes I wonder.

[peaches100]

I just emailed her how i feel this morning. since she is out of the office this week, i told her that if she picks up my message, i don't expect her to reply now since she's on vacation. but could she please help me/talk to me about this when i have my session? i re-emphasized that i am not saying that she shouldn't take time off. I'm just saying that i'm experiencing it as a loss in our relationship, and couldn't she help me adjust to it without feeling like I'm losing her.

So i probably won't hear back until next Wednesday on my session.

I don't want to "sit with the feelings" all week.

(((((((((((peaches)))))))))))

My T takes a LOT - I mean A LOT - of breaks (although he hasn't recently...but I know they're coming this spring/summer). It really IS hard.

Our biggest rupture occurred around his breaks. I just kept pulling away and pulling away. It was hard to hold onto the connection, and t would SAY the connection was the same, but it didn't FEEL the same.

I'm aware of it now, and I really try not to pull away anymore. I do try to trust that everything is the same, because I know it IS. And I guess I do try to use a lot of different coping skills - reaching out to other people, reaching out on PC, staying busy, getting outside, writing long e-mails to T that I don't send, leaving a message for T if I need to just to tell him what's going on.

I SO understand needing the words of reassurance from T, though. Do you think that if you state clearly what you need, she will give it to you? Sometimes I have to practically give my T a script, but it's okay. I know he will only say things that are honest, and he will give me whatever I need, as long as I am clear about it.

I wonder if you can schedule some extra sessions the weeks before and after break? T and I usually try to do an extra session either before or after (or both) and it really helps.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[Sannah]

Peaches, I really like how you are thinking about all of this. You are verbalizing it really well and understand what is going on with you.

I think that it is best to jump in with a person about any issue. Avoiding the issue because you want someone to progress past it doesn't work. You have to jump into with them so that it can be explored. Exploring it is the only way to move past it.

Do you think that you need to ask her if she is uncomfortable with the topic and if she is avoiding it?

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by peaches100

With or without you,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this issue too. I hope the time goes by fast for you!

I keep trying to tell myself that seeing my t less, and having less support, is part of the growing process, and that I'm going to get through it, and it's not always going to feel so bad. But right now, it hurts and feels bad! It's times like these i wish i hadn't ever let myself attach to her like this. i knew pulling away was going to hurt like h*$#.

My t seems to think that if i deal with the original trauma of neglect from my parents, that my separation and loss issues with her will fade. I sure hope so. But at the same time, i can't see how that's going to make me suddenly jump up and say, "Hey! I'm all better now! Now that i've solved the issue with my mom, I realize that i'm not attached to you after all, that we never had a real relationship, and that you were just pretending to be a stand-in for my mom until I figured it all out. Guess I don't need you anymore, so bye!

Thanks. I just try to keep myself busy and remember that T is allowed to have a life of her own....LOL

Also, I went through a period of intense attachment to T a few months ago (it was when I finally admitted I was struggling with it). Talking about it with her made me settle down a little bit. Also, we have pretty much no contact in between sessions which is a good thing for me too.

[sunrise]

(((Peaches))) It does sound like you and your T are misattuned on this topic. Advice on coping is not what you are looking for when you email T. But yet she gives it. I think it is probably deliberate on her part. I think she knows that is not the response you hope for. Her words are distancing. Maybe she thinks adding to the distance with words like these will help you cope in her absence? Maybe she is trying to prepare you for yet more schedule disruptions, absences, and the future when she is retired? I think it is worth talking to her about and just asking, "why do you respond that way?" It might be helpful to know what her intent is.

Peaches, has your T always responded in this way to your emails? I don't remember your writing about this before. I think I remember there have been times when you wrote her and she didn't respond at all (or took a long time), and you became upset. I wonder if this is her new MI--she does respond but doesn't make it comforting or satisfying. Like she doesn't want to give you "too much"?

Originally Posted by peaches100

"Put the child parts into a safe place and let them know we will get to their concerns later,"
"Be mindful and use your coping skills."
"I hope you will use your mindfulness of present moment and you notice yourself worrying about the future."

These sound like very "canned" responses. There is little of herself in these sentences. I wonder if they are stock phrases she has stored on her computer for easy cut and paste to client emails? Maybe she thinks you would rather receive these than nothing? She is trying to meet your needs to receive emails from her within the confines of what she has time, energy, and desire to provide outside of session?

It sounds like a difficult situation, peaches. I would not like getting emails like that from my T. I would rather receive no emails than get misattuned ones. (Maybe she is nudging you toward that resolution?)

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Suratji

It hurts.

Yes. . .