I Wish I Could Figure it Out

.... I had a similar reaction once to one T with a misunderstanding and me having a complete overreaction ... we talked and talked about it at first the way you've been doing; then sort of put that aside and continued only it never really went away. A few months later it bubbled over again and finally the feelings were sorted through and the hurt left; I wish I knew the answer Sky, for me it seemed to be that time helped; I wish it was quicker and easier though.

I'm counting on magic. And some new stuff came to me in a dream last night. Wow!!!!

okay, I'll tell you my experience. I think I've already posted it on another thread. My T added some restrictions to my phone contact with her. A normal person maybe would have been unhappy about it but would have engaged in a productive conversation about it and immediately learned that my T had suggested the new restrictions only because she thought I had requested it.

My emotional overreaction was a full body experience. Complete and overwhelming shame and embarrassment coursed through my body. It was close to having a panic attack. My throat became constricted, I could barely breathe, my stomach was in knots, I started sweating, I couldn't think any more, I wanted to run out of the room. In fact, I tried to leave but my T asked me to please stay.

So, yes, feelings are what they are. I did sit with this feeling but it was so strong I had no choice. More mild feelings can sometimes be stuffed and ignored and that's not good and that's when we should acknowledge them and try not to judge but listen to what they're saying.

My emotional response was way out of whack and way too extreme. It caused me intense discomfort.

Now, that was the dysfunctional emotional reaction. My dysfunctional 'action' overreaction is that I proclaimed that I will never ever ever call her again. Now, when the thought even crosses my mind to pick up phone to call her, I begin to experience the beginning of a panic attack again.

My T has continued to tell me that we had a misunderstanding and she invites me to call whenever and as often as I would like, but in my emotional mind there is extreme 'danger' in the act of placing a phone call. I am not able to get past it. My rational brain understands how over-the-top this reaction is but my emotional brain is just incapable of changing its feelings.

So, that's what I'm trying to figure how. Why am I having such a extremely powerful reaction and how can I overcome it? My T has suggested that I force myself to call her but I'm just unable at the moment. It feels like I would die if I did that.

I hope that answers your question.

This incident happened on July 20th and we have been talking about it. I have told T exactly what my feelings are and we've discussed it ad nauseum. I tell her that I can cognitively understand that my reaction is overboard but I am unable to alter my feelings.

I've decided that there's no point in talking about it anymore. We're not going anywhere with it. It's just back and forth- I explain my feelings; she listens compassionately and then she will explain again my faulty reasoning (I know my faulty reasoning)

What was it?
(If you want to tell us. I understand if you want to take a break from it for a while, like you said.)

; suggest that it stems from shame (I understand it stems from shame); advise that I sit with the feelings (Yeah, I've sat with the feelings); explore when else I've felt like that (Yeah, so, it, of course has happened previously with others), and yadda yedda yadda.

So, we're at a standstill and right now I'm sick of the discussion because it feels like we're going in circles and besides I don't care if I ever call her again and I don't want to and I won't. So enough talk already about that issue. I will accept that I have this sensitivity and I plan on changing the subject next Wednesday to something more interesting and where we might have a chance to be productive. If I have my way, we'll leave this topic behind forever.

Magic sounds like a great way to go to me, and sounds like it's working for you with the dream turning up . What came to you in your dream? Do you normally dream, or remember your dreams, very often? We've done quite a bit with dreams. I regularly have highly symbolic dreams and my T reminds me of them sometimes because they shed some light on my unconscious motives.

What I'm thinking is that I've heard that for people who don't usually feel much emotional reaction, when you do feel them, they could be really strong, and you have to experience them like that for a while until you get used to them. Or something like that. Did you say you don't usually feel a lot of emotions? It's been since I've been in therapy that stuff is coming up and making me feel completely crazy. I understand that that is a result of finally opening the so-called Pandora's box. But, normally, I have lived life calm and cool (Now I'm worrying about whether the same thing is in store for me in therapy . Anyway...) I'd say if therapy is working you will experience a wide range of emotions and it will make you feel confused and like you've lost control. I've read enough about this that I understand its benefit but it's still scary and unsettling.

It sounds like you were really, really hurt by your t suggesting your phone calls might have been too much, even though now you know it was a misunderstanding. It sounded like you felt you were really opening up to her and being vulnerable, and maybe she didn't understand that you felt that way, so it really hurt when she didn't understand that you deeply needed her support. I wonder if you let yourself feel (again) those feelings of shame that you had when you still thought your t didn't want you to call if it could help you understand the feeling better. Every time I remember those moments when she told me that, I re-experience the same bodily sensations and the fear and shame. I'm not sure. Have you already tried that? You said you sat with the feelings but I didn't know if you meant you sat with them when you couldn't control them or if you let yourself feel them some more.

"What was it? (If you want to tell us. I understand if you want to take a break from it for a while, like you said.) "

Sorry Learning, I don't understand the question.

I meant, what was your "faulty reasoning"?

Oh, that my T is sick of me; that she's disgusted with me; that she dreads seeing me each week; that the talk of extra restrictions on phone calls is evidence that I'm too much for her and that she has to rein me in; that I talk too much and that I'm terribly selfish and self-indulgent; that she can barely stand our sessions because I'm beyond boring and ridiculous. THAT is the faulty reasoning and I understand that none of that is true but it's what I FEEL.

If I may don my armchair therapist here ...

IMO this actually not the way you feel per se, but the way you are reacting to a feeling.

The underlying emotions driving this reaction seem to me like you feel like a burden and not worthy of even asking for attention. Those are the emotions that need wrangling.

I mean whatever put those feelings of unworthiness in you, well, you may never know exactly why or where they came from. You may not be able to fully stop yourself from feeling that way, or you may. But, I promise you, what you can do is create a space for those emotions to exist without creating the reaction you described.

What if you said, "okay my brain is telling me that I am not worthy. I can let that emotion be. It's there, but I can carry on and trust what my therapist says. I may not feel like I can, but I can call her whenever. It's okay."

Sitting with those emotions, creating that space for them to just "be* (or wrangling them like that) is what your therapist is talking about I suspect.

So how were you treated vis a vis your brother? Who is older? Who was neglected when the other came along?

I got a chance to compare my mother's parenting skills (or rather, appalling lack thereof) when my 2 aunts were visiting her with their squabbling grandchildren, and my mom, then each aunt in succession tried to settle a dispute over who would get to sit on the kitchen stepstool. It was like a gameshow contest. My mother blatantly favored the older child (= my brother), win-lose. The first aunt proposed a lose-lose scenario (screaming "okay, nobody gets to sit in the chair!"), and the last, a win-win. I wish I had filmed it, it was that perfect.

Oh, but my point was, you, like me, were probably also always the losing child in the scenario. I kinda leave it to my T to get mad or excited for me, these stories just are not going to hurt me anymore.
Maybe we just keep pulling out these old weeds, and T keeps planting new ones, until they "take".

Thanks so much for your input. I just don't know if I can bring myself to do it.

You don't have to do it right now. You don't have to call her. You don't have to do anything that you don't feel like doing.

Period.

If you don't want to talk about it, don't talk about it.

These things take time. It is your birthright to give yourself that time, space and freedom.

I think it's also really really important to note that your reaction here is not wrong at all. Given the underlying feelings, doesn't it make perfect sense?

Wouldn't anyone react that way? I know I would, and have on multiple occasions. It's not faulty.

This is tough stuff, but doable.

Peace to you.

I agree with what Elliemay said. As far as how you change the reaction you're having (I mean, feeling like "she's disgusted with me; that she dreads seeing me...") idk. Have you told her you're still feeling these things even though logically you know they're not true? Can you think of any reasons why you don't trust her (on an emotional level) when she says those things are not true? What are you feeling and thinking when she says those things are not true? Maybe if you can pick those feelings apart it might help?

Just a comment about belts and whipping. I was like you: shy, good, quiet. My brother caused trouble and he got hit by my father with his belt. But, at that time getting hit with a strap was the usual means of punishment; it wasn't as terrible as it sounds. I'm saying that for others who may think it's very abusive. Or, I could be wrong. In my family, it was more a threat to my brother, never to me. My Mom would say "Dad will get you with the strap if you don't behave". Sorry if this is off subject.

I always thought they liked me more because I got good grades and was "good", until recently when I faced facts, even tho many of these "facts" are ethnic (Italian), old-world, such as male favoritism and higher intelligence, female virginity and beauty. FAIL! My mother wailed to me many times, "I don't have to worry about YOU, you're smart, you can do anything! I have to worry about YOUR BROTHER!" What does a person say to that - pardon me for breathing? I would bet your parents felt a similar resentment against you - why did YOU take all the good and brains in the family and not leave any for your brother? You are TOO MUCH good - you are too much, we did not need that much daughter, we wanted more son. Stay out of the way (now stay out of T's way brings shame). And you are absolutely right, your life DID depend on it. OUR life and safety and relative peace and happiness and growth depended on our staying the heck out of our angry moms' way. We were smart, we learned, we COMPLIED, unlike our dumb rebellious brothers. No accident that you and I had to learn about attachment from a freakin book.

Your misunderstanding about the phone calls sounds just like what happened to me with the emails. She asked me one time, "Why do you send emails? What are you expecting from me?" And then later on she said that I seemed to put 'conditions' on emails.

This is what caused a two month rupture between us. It was heck to get through. Like you and your therapist, according to the therapist it was a misunderstanding and we took it to mean total rejection. Which in turn caused an extreme reaction: "I will NEVER do that again!!"

Thank God we got through that. I hope that you can see that if your therapist says it was a misunderstanding, you have to believe her on that. Many times over emotional people go way out of control when they feel that someone is scolding them, or it feels like they are.

For me, I could not get through life without taking something for anxiety on a daily basis. I cannot imagine how bad I would be if I didn't!