Tough couple of days--could use some help plz

Hi all,

I guess i just need someone to listen... I need to feel heard, i guess.

Ive had a tough couple of days-- i think a lot of it is my fault. Part of it is,however, because my T (t who is out of the country still) is out of pocket once again-- the other day when we were supposed to talk, yet another drama occured in her life and she's got that to deal with now. Again. Just when her life was finally calming down and we were BOTH excited because we were finally going to get back on a regular session schedule this week-- its been 4 weeks since we got to talk regularly because of another family drama that was going on.
She has called whenever she can but its been unpredictable and just once in a while (shes as frustrated with it as i am)

Anyway. So its been a while. Internal stuff is building up inside, and i feel like a volcano ready to explode. I have been self injuring a lot...a lot a lot

I am working nights now. Spending my evenings alone. Its a temp job. Its easy. I quit my teaching job when i found out about unethical things going on that i didnt want to be a part of.
So now i am extra lonely. Since i sleep days, i have no time to socialize (not that i have any friends left.)
I used to be a really important person. Years ago. I was one of the most popular teachers in my district. Other teachers were sent to my room, to observe me, to learn how to teach better. i was the head of bunches of committees. I ran meetings. I taught teachers in the summers. Etc. i wore suits (geesh!)

Nowadays, i am lucky if i can get my teeth brushed. I have to make myself change my clothes. I am not important to anyone . Nobody talks to me. My phone doesnt ring anymore. No one comes to visit.
My husband ignores me. He cares more about our dogs than he does about me.
Nothing i do even matters anymore-- i feel invisible. I feel like i could start screaming, and no one would even notice.

I have to keep a big smile plastered on my face all the time. Tonight while i was on the elliptical at the gym, i wondered, am i the only one here right now thinking about killing herself?

Anyway.... Thanks for listening. If you got this far, i could use some encouragement. Just something. I feel so invisible.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Night work is very very hard as it throws off your sleep patterns. I suspect that is figuring into how badly you feel right now.

I think life does ebb and flow. There are times when we are at the top of our game, then other times, well, not so much.

Frankly, I am a little concerned that you SI, and your therapist is so far away.

I know you like her a lot, but can you see some benefit in having a more accessible therapy?

awww i can feel your loneliness in your words Starrynight.

Nightshifts are definitely the worst for throwing your routine and your mood.
Also i'd imagine the uncertainty surrounding your T must be adding to your stress. I def think you need to think about finding extra support while your T is away, this has been going on a longtime and it doesn't look like she's going to be back anytime soon.

in the meantime, try to be kind to yourself, keep telling yourself "this will pass" you will come out the other side of this. And keep posting here, there's always someone around to talk to.

xx

Yes i think my sleep patterns being waaaay off are definitely making my depression worse. I really like my night job but it is a bit hard on me. There are lots of benefits, especially being close to home and no more hour long rush hour traffic, but its tough on my body and mind.

I did try alternate therapy, but it isnt the same (& waaaaayyyy out of my price range. My t gives me an extremely low rate, and even that i can barely afford.). I really dont want to see anyone but her.

She has to come back

I cant think

yeah why does therapy have to be so expensive dammit!!

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this, Starry Night. You have had the worst breaks, and you really don't deserve that. From everything I've seen of you on here, you are a kind, smart, sweet and generous person. I know you were a great teacher who really cared about your students. I hope you will get back with T very soon and get the support and help you need to get back on your feet. You have been there, you can get back there.

I am sorry you are stuck in such a hard place. I agree about the ebb and flow of life. You have been in a place before where you were on top of your game and you were respected. That will happen again. For now you are where you are, and you need to be doing this: to be healing. Other things have to go on the back burner. Once this healing is all done and dusted you will once again be able to focus and function and get on with the real business of living.
But it IS a worry that right now, while you are (were) in the process of doing what you needed to do to heal, your T work has become so unpredictable and inconsistently available. I get that you want *her* and that a substitute doesn't work. But how impossibly hard must it be to be in this waiting place, this no-mans land... this place where you are smack bang in the middle of your stuff and unable to pack it away to get on with the business of life, yet equally unable to get on with the process of healing? How hard is that?? I can't imagine...
What strategies can you use for self support? Do you have much internal communication or support? Can you guys look out for each other? I hear that you don't have much in the way of external support, but what things can you do to look out and care for your own inside selves? I know that for my own system that it helped to support each other... especially if we could pair up older ones to take care of younger ones etc, almost like in a parental role.
What about externally... could the money you are not currently spending on therapy be used to support yourselves in other ways?

I hear you that money is a concern, nonetheless, the self-injurious behavior is just not good. Perhaps you could see a general practioner and they may have some ideas for treatment on a sliding scale or something?

Part of the problem this week (something happened on thursday that led to these current problems inside, and just happened to coincide with t's emergency and non availability) is that we have turned against each other inside in several places. Its a really long story, but basically, things have gotten bad inside.

I miss having friends. I miss ...well, everything. The way i used to be.

People who meet me are always like, "oh my gosh, you're so cute! Arent you adorable! And youre such a sweet girl!" . (i look a LOT younger than 40, i get mistaken for a teenager a lot...its embarassing) and people tell me i am just the most patient, sweetest person theyve ever met. They have no idea that inside i feel like i am dying they dont know that under my long sleeves are tons of scars.

Oh, i have a dr appt next week-- i am going to ask about having my meds changed. The anti anxiety/ anti depression stuff ive been on is clearly not working.

Will you tell them about the scars?

First I think that you are everything you used to be, that nothing disappears from who you are, even if all you are isn't presently in the world right now. You are still all of you, although I know what it's like to feel incomplete, or to be missing something or somebody.

I am sorry that it feels like things are bad inside, that there are some that have turned against yourselves. For me, I am not DID, but I do have experiences with younger versions of myself inside, and things for me are really at their worst when I am not compassionate and tender towards them. Things will get better.

I am also married to someone who can get really wrapped up in himself and whatever it is that he is doing. I have also found that when I reach out to him, he is often feeling that I am ignoring him (because I can get wrapped up in myself too). I guess that I have learned that usually if I ask to talk or spend time together, he is happy to do that, but he was feeling pushed away by me while I was feeling ignored by him. Sort of a vicious circle. Maybe it would help to ask for you all and the dogs to spend time together?

reading your signature line "Don't put your key to happiness in someone else's pocket." I wonder if, there's a lot of truth in this as far as your therapist? She has been away for so long and the schedule so messed up and this has been hurting and upsetting all of you; not suggesting ending things there but it would be so good if you could find more support somehow Does she know anyone at all that could talk to you at a discounted rate along with her skype sessions? You've mentioned a few times running a large forum; do you get support there or is it more a position where you are giving it? and if the second, does that add to the struggle? (((((starry_night))))

Hi again
I might just have only a minute to reply--

No i wont tell my doc about the scars-- i have beeing self injuring since i was eight and its old news-- no one cares anymore

My husband is wrapped up in a big project right now so i am trying to offer him a little extra slack, but honestly, he is really just as rude as always..but he has had a hard couple of years, so i try to feel sorry for him (his dad and brother died on the same day, and our nephew died this year too, so did my cousin, among several pther things) i try to talk to him but he doesnt talk back

Finding a GOOD t who knows about DID is extremely rare-- i was lucky i found my t in the first place, finding another t is unlikely (which indont want anyway). Its not like one can just go out and find another excellent DID around. Heck, apparently you cant even find a half decent one-- i tried nine Ts in one year

I do run a big forum. I startd it years and years ago partly because i need a place for support, but i dont getit there anymore. Everyone sees me as the Boss, and its rare for me to get support from the people there; they mostly want to gripe and complain at me or have me solve their fights So i rarely post my own stuff there, no one even replies. Annoying but that is the way things go.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Your t having all this family drama in her life must be so frustrating for you and her. Hopefully you guys can talk sometime this week, and maybe after the holidays things will slow down. We can only hope for that.
When you talk to her, please let her know about the SI and wanting to kill yourself and feeling invisible. All of this would be easier if you had her there face to face. Does she have any idea when she's coming home?
I'm sorry about your husband too, and your friends not calling and stuff. Just know you're not invisible on PC and we're all here for you.

((((Starry_Night)))) ... I see you, Starry_Night - not invisible. Sorry things are such a struggle for you right now.

T does know about all the SI and suicidal thoughts. She has had a couple of emails. Today she wrote an email to one of the really aggressive alters (he is a real jerk, is patterned after our abusers)- he wrote her a nasty email (as usual) , i dont know when but it must have been in the past few days. I think he was hoping to make T mad at him, he likes to get her riled up. But instead she just sent him a nice email back and asked him to please stop hurting everyone. And that just pissed him off ()
I think its just easier on him when people are mad at him.
Anyway...one of the inside kids texted t today asking if she could please call back. But we never heard back from her.
She must still be caught up in her family stuff.

She still has no idea when she can come home. which totally bites.

When she left over a year ago, part of why she went was out of love for the person having the emergency. When i was there visiting T she admitted she is so freaking mad and annoyed at that person now that she cant stand the f'g _______ and wishes she had never come. But of course now she is stuck there because of the obligations and commitments she made. Its a bog vicious circle for my T.

I tried to keep busy today until it was time to go to work. I am running out of things to do and books to read.

I feel like i have nowhere to go
It feels like i am the only person on the planet

I am being TOTALLY UNRATIONAL AND UNREASONABLE AND I HATE IT

I need people to tak me down and talk my own damn sense back into me. Seriously. I am annoying myself!!!

Ok so i have a big fight going on in my head, it pretty much boils down to good vs evil in there.
Anyway i also know that T has something going on with her family-- she sent me a quick email last week-- some kind of drama that was going to be taking up a lot of her attention for a bit.
Naturally, it came a day after we started having our own personal meltdown.
Anyway, t has had to cancel a couple of sessions because of whatever is going on withher -- again.

So i KNOW shes got personal stuff going on.

Yet here we are (not just me inside kids too)- going around nearly pouting (not really but thats what it nearly feels like) and feeling like T doesnt care and has just abandoned us and scared that she will never talk to us again and will never have time to have sessions again
(this is so frustrating because it happens several times a year)

T always comes back whenever she finally can. She just happens to be having a chaotic couple of years in her life and we happen to be along for the ride.

Anyway... I am sick of all the drama in her and in mine but what is annoying me especialy right now is that i am once again feeing irrationally abandoned and left behind when i know it isnt true (& yet in the background im wondering what if it is true this time? What if this time she really left us like old t did? Etc)

Aghh!!! Someone talk some sense back into us i am driving myself crazy!!!

Bump

I could really use some help here.
Still havent heard from my t


I have a tough day coming up tomorrow and feeling pretty alone.
Thanks

it can be a struggle with rational vs. irrational going on in side, especially when the irrational voice seem to be louder. keep reminding yourself of the rational thinking... over and over and over, if you have to. that's what i have to do.

my irrational thinking got strong 'cause i kept listening to it and latching on to it, making myself miserable. I can't control the thoughts that come into my head - but i can control whether or not i give it more power than it deserves. and if it's a thought that makes me hurt inside, i strive to just let the thought exist... then fade away. don't know if this'll help, but thought i'd share.

Starry Night

T called me about midnight last night and we talked for a couple hours so she knows what is going on now. That makes me feel a ilttle better, that at least someone knows whats been happening... We are planning to talk on friday night too, i hope she actualy can

(((Starry Night))) Glad you got to talk to her and that it helped.

I've been following your thread and feeling bad for you but I haven't known what to say. I'm glad you talked to your T, finally. I just can't imagine doing therapy long distance like you're doing. The whole situation bothers me and I wonder if your T is hurting you more than helping, by not encouraging you to see someone else while she's gone. There are agencies with sliding scales. Maybe it wouldn't be someone experienced with DID, but if you are so depressed and feeling so bad about yourself, seeing someone even if they are not ideal might be better than seeing no one, at least for a while. Did you and your H ever consider marriage counseling? Since he's a T, he must realize the benefits of getting help for himself and for you, doesn't he? I'm not saying that to be mean, but because I care about you and wish you were happier. I hope a change in your meds will help too!

On another note, I understand about being embarrassed for looking like a teenager when you're 40. I hated when people talked to me and were astonished that I was married and had kids! I still hate it even though I should be glad I still look young. Someone in my DBT group wondered if I was 10 years old when I got married! Seriously, she couldn't believe how old I am.

(((( Starry Night ))))

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Glad that you talked to T and that it helped. I hate that you're still on this emotional rollercoaster with regards to your T being away.

Maybe you can talk to T about some strategies to help you through the down times. Maybe she can write you an email specifically with support for when you go through those feelings of abandonment, a note that contains reassurance of what's real - to help ground you in the present. Something you can reach out for when you need it.

I know that when I have those moments of feeling down and out, I go back to old emails between me and T - and it sometimes helps.

(( HUGS ))