[Yearning0723]

I have some very mixed feelings about today's session. T listened. She listened empathetically; she responded in some very comforting and validating ways. But that's as far as we got. We didn't get to the unpacking emotions part, or the letting me sit in my anger part, or the figuring out how to solve this time sensitive situation part. She wants me to spend the next week on self care and not try to come to a solution because she thinks that's my anxious mind telling me that it's urgent and it really isn't. But she's wrong. I've mostly shut down the anxious mind and I've spent the past two days on self care. This situation is actually pretty urgent; the longer I let it sit, the harder it will be to resolve.

So I asked, gently, calmly, in a way that was respectful of her boundaries, if there might be some time to discuss this before our next session eight days from now because it felt really important to me. But she said no, because she has boundaries for her private practice of once a week and we'd been too loose with those boundaries before. So apparently I used up my emergency extra session on a lesser emergency a few weeks ago and she's not okay with doing that again, even though I know she has my usual 8:30 time slot free tomorrow.

She has boundaries. I'm respecting them. I didn't call her when this happened; she was pleased with that. She knows this is a big deal and it was really horrible and scary for me, but she wants me to sit in those feelings and figure out how to resolve them myself.

I think I probably CAN; I just don't want to. Because I will be a lot more productive if I get to talk this out with her tomorrow, resolve it, and get back to living my life. Resolving it on my own might take a few days, and those few days are supposed to be days I spend doing schoolwork, not days I spend obsessing about this.

But talking to her is not an option. So boundaries, and I'm respecting them. She was very kind to me today and responded very well to everything. So...this.

I was calm today. If I'd been less calm, if I'd been crying like I was on Sunday, she would have said yes. So now I'm feeling like maybe I should have acted in a different way to elicit a different response. I didn't do that; good for me. And I guess you can't always get what you want...

[Yearning0723]

I recognize that she's a person too, and I was laying some tough stuff on her today and I know that, and I get that maybe she needs some time to process this herself before dealing with me, and I could see that she was actually more upset than I was when I was telling her this stuff (which was nice, actually), and I know it's her right to set boundaries and if I don't like them I have the option to find another T...it just felt...cold. Uncaring. After a super caring session. My stuff again.

Maybe I was upset because she was telling me that I need some more time to myself to process this before trying to do anything about it or even talk more with her about her. That is untrue. I've been doing some really good self care for the past few days and she said, "Just keep doing a lot of self care for the next week," but I'm done with self care and ready to actually deal with the problem. If she has an issue with talking more about it, I get that. But saying I need to not talk about it and just deal with it myself for a week for my own good is just blatantly false.

[HazelGirl]

I don't like how your T does things. But that's just me. It wouldn't work for me at all. I'm sorry you're suffering for her ultra-strict boundaries.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't like how your T does things. But that's just me. It wouldn't work for me at all. I'm sorry you're suffering for her ultra-strict boundaries.

I recognize that she's a person and has the right to put boundaries where she's comfortable with them (she's trying to model this for me, I think), but yeah. This. I know if I hate it so much I can just find a new T, as many on here have told me before, but the thing is, most Ts aren't perfect (except possibly yours, HazelGirl, from what you've told me about her) and I've done some research looking for other Ts who specialize in all of my issues and do trauma work and also are knowledgeable about and comfortable with LGBT issues and whose offices are fairly accessible by public transport...I think she's the best I'm going to get. Everything else is wonderful; she responded so well to all the stuff I was scared of telling her; it's just this boundary thing...

[Yearning0723]

She's also trying to work with me on this thing where I don't get angry at her when she doesn't give in to what I want...so I'm trying. I handled it well. I didn't keep asking; I asked once, told her it felt important to me, and accepted no for an answer.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I recognize that she's a person and has the right to put boundaries where she's comfortable with them (she's trying to model this for me, I think), but yeah. This. I know if I hate it so much I can just find a new T, as many on here have told me before, but the thing is, most Ts aren't perfect (except possibly yours, HazelGirl, from what you've told me about her) and I've done some research looking for other Ts who specialize in all of my issues and do trauma work and also are knowledgeable about and comfortable with LGBT issues and whose offices are fairly accessible by public transport...I think she's the best I'm going to get. Everything else is wonderful; she responded so well to all the stuff I was scared of telling her; it's just this boundary thing...

Haha, my T isn't perfect. She makes mistakes. But she does work well with me.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. It just seems excessive to me.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Haha, my T isn't perfect. She makes mistakes. But she does work well with me.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. It just seems excessive to me.

To me too - but I know that's my stuff, and Ts have different comfort levels with those things, and she has the right to hers just as I have the right to mine. Debating it with her will accomplish nothing and I know it. If I found another T who might be more lax with the boundaries, that T might not be as attuned to me or as knowledgeable about the issues as this T...it would just be a gamble and I don't know if taking that gamble would be worth it at this point.

But as I'm sure you've noticed, this boundary thing is a recurring theme, and I don't know who's in the wrong. (Neither of us, I know; we just have different comfort levels and that's a normal interpersonal thing that I will have to deal with in life, so better get used to it now.)

I know I can't always get what I want or even what I need and it's important to get comfortable with being there for myself. But we literally scratched the surface of a lot of really important, really deep things and didn't get to really process them or problem solve them and it was very upsetting for me, even if I wasn't a sobbing mess. And it frustrated me that she either couldn't see that or saw it but didn't care or saw it but decided it was useful for me to sit in that and suffer until next Wednesday. That just seems...cruel.

[Yearning0723]

I mean, we talked about A LOT of stuff today. We talked about mentor-figure's self disclosure about her parents not giving her privacy and her mother putting her in a corner and her always feeling like a grownup when she was a kid and my response to that, and we talked about that situation that happened with my Minnie Mouse (which T was visibly upset by), and I told her about the situation that precipitated me "leaving" with my stepdad taking my pants, and I told her about what happened the other day with my parents getting mad and yelling/swearing/crying/denying abuse ever happened. I didn't even get to tell her all of it and we got to process NONE of it.

I mean, this is a real situation of real importance...but I guess I used up my emergency extra session pass three weeks ago when I needed it a lot less. And now there's nothing I can do about it but sit and stew. If I call her again, she will be upset that I'm breaching her boundaries and refer me to crisis hotlines as per usual.

[HazelGirl]

I am so sorry. That's really hard. I totally blew my last appointment, and now I will have to wait until next Tuesday to actually talk about the things I wanted to talk about at yesterday's appointment. I spent my appointment avoiding what I really wanted to talk about.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am so sorry. That's really hard. I totally blew my last appointment, and now I will have to wait until next Tuesday to actually talk about the things I wanted to talk about at yesterday's appointment. I spent my appointment avoiding what I really wanted to talk about.

I'm sorry this happened to you, too, HazelGirl. It's tough.

The only thing we did get to discuss even a little was mentor-figure's disclosure, and I just wanted to mention to you that T's reaction was the exact same as yours - literally, "If she's telling you this stuff, what else is she keeping hidden?" Also, she thought it was actually a traumatic thing and I wasn't overreacting and I needed to decide whether I was comfortable with this level of emotional intimacy or not. I think I am, but I need this relationship to be more transparent, so I think I'm going to bring it up with her and ask her why she told me that because it felt important to me.

Okay, I CAN problem solve on my own. I just prefer to figure these things out with T. She's a good sounding board. (But so is PC, so there's that.)

[HazelGirl]

Yeah, I agree with your T. This is definitely something to discuss with your mentor. And I do agree that story she told you was traumatic (I think I said that, too ).

I also use my T quite often as a sounding board because she's pretty smart and knows more about life (I'm only 22, and often feel kind of lost in this adult world, and I don't have the ability to ask my parents).

[unaluna]

I think she needs time to take this all in. You have had the advantage of our reactions and even our ts reactions, and some time to react, to process. A lot of this is new info for her. It sounds like she puts a lot of work into her work with you - she is not merely present. So to do the concentrated kind of work you want to do at your next session, she probably feels she needs to do more to prepare than to just show up asap. They really do do more than just listen. I dont see it as her boundaries so much as its her schedule, her limitations. A free hour doesnt mean she would be ready for you at that hour, given whats happened.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think she needs time to take this all in. You have had the advantage of our reactions and even our ts reactions, and some time to react, to process. A lot of this is new info for her. It sounds like she puts a lot of work into her work with you - she is not merely present. So to do the concentrated kind of work you want to do at your next session, she probably feels she needs to do more to prepare than to just show up asap. They really do do more than just listen. I dont see it as her boundaries so much as its her schedule, her limitations. A free hour doesnt mean she would be ready for you at that hour, given whats happened.

Thanks for this hankster. I know you're right, and I actually wouldn't have minded if she had told me she needed some time to process this herself. I did mind that she made it about me not respecting her boundaries, which is a tired old story that I don't think really applied to this situation, since all I was doing was stating my need and I accepted no for an answer.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

She's also trying to work with me on this thing where I don't get angry at her when she doesn't give in to what I want...so I'm trying. I handled it well. I didn't keep asking; I asked once, told her it felt important to me, and accepted no for an answer.

That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.

I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.

And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.

I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.

And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.

This I agree with, but I'm also trying not to criticize your T since she does have some good qualities. It's just that her attitude about her boundaries would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I think they are definitely not what you need in terms of support right now.

[learning1]

Since you mentioned all the good things you mentioned about this t, except that her boundaries are too strict, I wonder if you could get an additional t or some other affordable type of support (regardless of whether your t approves of it, although her approval and assistance in finding it would be nice). That way you could keep the good things about this t without being left to process things on your own as much when she decides to be unavailable. It sounds like you really have a lot of things on your mind to process, and you might end up not getting through all of it even if you had two sessions, but if you could get another session with someone else, that could help some.

I understand that an ideal is for you to be able to contain yourself and function without relying on a therapist more than once a week, but I don't know what's wrong with relying on an affordable therapist more than once a week at this point in your life. I also think it would be nicer to be able to have the same t twice a week than to have to go to two of them. But, since that apparently isn't possible, maybe a second t, or some kind of support group could help.

Is it possible that money is part of the reason your therapist doesn't want to meet more than once a week on a regular basis? Does your t know for sure that you can afford to pay for more than one session a week, especially if it continues to be needed very often, as seems likely? Are you able to pay her full fee? (I'm not asking you to post the answers to those things unless you want to; I just mean them as questions to keep in mind.) It's unfair and unfortunate, but if you're like most people and can't really afford this, then the t has to consider how it will affect her, and some t's are less generous, and less considerate of clients' legitimate needs, than other t's. I won't be surprised if you've already taken all this into account, but I thought I'd bring it up in case it makes a difference, so that you won't take it as personally if it might be that the t is being influenced by the money.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by learning1

Since you mentioned all the good things you mentioned about this t, except that her boundaries are too strict, I wonder if you could get an additional t or some other affordable type of support (regardless of whether your t approves of it, although her approval and assistance in finding it would be nice). That way you could keep the good things about this t without being left to process things on your own as much when she decides to be unavailable. It sounds like you really have a lot of things on your mind to process, and you might end up not getting through all of it even if you had two sessions, but if you could get another session with someone else, that could help some.

I understand that an ideal is for you to be able to contain yourself and function without relying on a therapist more than once a week, but I don't know what's wrong with relying on an affordable therapist more than once a week at this point in your life. I also think it would be nicer to be able to have the same t twice a week than to have to go to two of them. But, since that apparently isn't possible, maybe a second t, or some kind of support group could help.

Is it possible that money is part of the reason your therapist doesn't want to meet more than once a week on a regular basis? Does your t know for sure that you can afford to pay for more than one session a week, especially if it continues to be needed very often, as seems likely? Are you able to pay her full fee? (I'm not asking you to post the answers to those things unless you want to; I just mean them as questions to keep in mind.) It's unfair and unfortunate, but if you're like most people and can't really afford this, then the t has to consider how it will affect her, and some t's are less generous, and less considerate of clients' legitimate needs, than other t's. I won't be surprised if you've already taken all this into account, but I thought I'd bring it up in case it makes a difference, so that you won't take it as personally if it might be that the t is being influenced by the money.

No, it's definitely not the money. I used to see this T twice a week, on Wednesdays and Sundays (which she had no problem with), before she cut her private practice down to two days, which are Tuesday evenings and Wednesday mornings (she has another job too). So she is now shorter on time and she also thinks two sessions in a row is too much, and she thinks I'm doing better than I was at that point and can survive without her for longer periods, which I know I CAN, I just sort of don't want to. (I don't know whether that's therapeutic or not...) We've discussed other resources I have, like friends, and she's told me it's just her own personal boundary in terms of time re. this once a week thing and anything more than that is just more than she can provide.

She recommended a DBT skills group for me, but that is actually a money thing ($130 a week and my father will not be writing me a whole other series of postdated checks for them). He would write me more checks for T, but he would not write me checks for a skills group, nor would he write me more checks for another T, which is probably why I'm so reluctant to leave this T even if I didn't feel like she was helping me (which she most certainly has). He would think I'd been wasting his money for eight months and refuse to pay for me to start over with a new T, and I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. (And most Ts are offended by the idea of sliding scale on general principle with me based on the money my father has and the other things he's paying for, so also that...)

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.

I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.

And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.

I think this isn't her intention at all, but what I'm getting out of this is that there are certain things (like her boundaries) that I can't bring up with her because then she will get sensitive/defensive/reproachful with me. And I don't think that's particularly useful and I need to discuss it with her, but I have much better things to talk about (clearly) than her boundaries for fifty minutes, and the last few times we talked about her boundaries it did not go well and I ended up feeling more upset than I started, because she just does not respond well to that.

She interprets me questioning her boundaries or even stating a need re. her boundaries as "escalating" or "aggressive" and sometimes I don't know if that's just her interpretation or if that's reality, because that's never my intention and I take care to speak calmly and gently when I ask about that stuff because I know she doesn't like it, and today I definitely did NOT get upset at her, but according to her sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing something that can come off poorly to others...so I don't know about that. Sometimes I wish she could just put aside the delivery for a moment and just hear the message...but I know she's trying to teach me interpersonal skills and this is important...

Me justifying and making excuses again, I think...but I know in this situation, if it was bothering me so much, I could just leave, just like I left my mother but with a lot less heartache. I'm choosing to stay because she has helped me a lot and will continue to help me if I let her, and because she is incredibly supportive and reflective and gives me validation on every single subject that isn't her boundaries. (Which is probably her own stuff and her own past experiences, which I can't really judge her for. More justifying...)

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That seems unfair to me. Not only is she not there as much as you need her to be, not only do you need to respect her very arbitrary boundaries about extra sessions but you're also not allowed to have your feelings about it? And I'm sorry (this part is totally my stuff) but I hate when I get told that someone is proud of me basically because I made their life easier with my compliance.

I'll tell you why I think this is a significant therapeutic mistake on her part. You have a lot difficulty (from what you've posted here) allowing yourself to be angry at people who have hurt you. You rush to compassion, understanding and forgiveness (eg with respect to your mother) and feel that you aren't entitled to rage and hurt and disappointment. Your role has been to take care of your mother's feelings even as she's hurting yours.

And here instead of welcoming your anger, disappointment or sadness about the mismatch between your needs and her boundaries, T is telling you to be the grown up and spare her your difficult feelings. Your difficult feeling are her job. If she cannot give you more time and doesn't want you to call her, that's her right I guess. But to ask you not feel the way you do (or not to express it) is, in my opinion, crappy and unfair.

Also, it does feel like this sometimes...she was proud (without saying that word, because she doesn't use it) of me for not calling when all this happened. She would have probably had a talk with me about boundaries again if I had. And I did not even email her, even when I was tempted when she emailed me first just for something mundane to tell me she didn't have her phone with her today so to wait in the lobby of the building (the elevators are key operated after hours) and she would come down to get me before 7:30 instead of me calling when I get there like I usually do. I wanted to email her back and tell her something about this, anything. Instead I emailed her back saying, "Thanks for letting me know. See you later." That's all. So I denied my need (to tell her about this) out of deference to her and her boundaries.

I haven't decided whether that's therapeutic or not. I think it can be, because it is important for me to learn to deal with disappointment and not being able to have what I want right away when it places a burden on others. But also the need is very real. And I'm paying her for it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

This I agree with, but I'm also trying not to criticize your T since she does have some good qualities. It's just that her attitude about her boundaries would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I think they are definitely not what you need in terms of support right now.

I agree, for the most part, but I don't think I'm going to find anyone better. I think I'd rather a T who understands all the issues I'm facing and is attuned to me and reflective and validating and supportive and empathetic for just fifty minutes a week instead of giving her up to find one that can be all of those things and have looser but still safe boundaries.

Right???

[Yearning0723]

I think I want to write T an email about this. We don't do emails. Ever. But I know telling it to her on the phone will be counterproductive and I'm not going to wait until next week to deal with this. I know it's long and I'm not sure if she will be even remotely okay with that. Is there any way I can cut it down? Do y'all think this is an okay email to send?

Dear T,

I know that emails of a personal nature are a boundary for you, and I’ve been trying really hard to respect your boundaries, but I feel like this is something I need to write to you for two reasons: a) because I’m realistically not going to be able to hold onto it until next Wednesday and b) if I tell it to you in person, we will probably spend the whole session discussing it and it will probably not go well.

So if you’re still reading, here goes. I really need you to be more mindful of the way you respond to me re. your boundaries. I'm okay with the boundaries themselves, but a lot of the time when we have a discussion about boundaries or how I feel about them, I feel chastised/judged/shamed. Yesterday when I stated my need for another session/check-in/whatever to work some more on this and process it more, since we really only got to talk about what happened today and not how I’m feeling about it or what I’m going to do about it, your response felt really unsettling to me.

I’m okay with the fact that you said no to another session but maybe to a check-in depending on your schedule, but what I heard (even though I don't think you meant it this way) was, “I have certain boundaries for my private practice [and you know what they are and stop bothering me about them already].” I was nervous to even ask for what I needed because I didn’t want you to get upset at me or think it was wrong of me to ask, which is how it’s felt in the past when I’ve stated a need in a way that didn’t feel right to you, because sometimes it feels like you hear the delivery (my tone or whatever) but not actually the message, which is that I’m struggling with something and need some compassion.

Sometimes it feels like you’re rebuking me for expressing that need in the best way I know how by taking the expression of my need as a criticism or labelling my expression of that need as “badgering” or “escalating”, and I don’t really know what to do with that. Because it is never my intention to make you uncomfortable; I’m usually just trying to say things in the best way I know how.

I know this is my stuff; I know you’re not trying to chastise me for having needs, and that’s just how I’m interpreting you. I’m working on that stuff, and for now, I just need you to be mindful of it. Because today I felt like we had a really good session and I felt really validated and supported and even cared about (if that’s okay for me to feel) and then at the end I felt like I ruined it by asking you for some more time, even though I was okay with you saying no. So then I went home feeling really guilty because it felt like you were displeased with me and like I’d done something to upset you. I don’t think that was how the situation was at all in reality, but that’s how I’m interpreting it.

The fact of the matter is, I need you sometimes, and I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy about that as long as I respect your boundaries, which I’m trying to. But sometimes I feel like you’re sending me mixed messages re. whether it’s even okay to need you or whether me needing things from you or even mentioning that I need things from you is a burden.

So that’s all. I hope this email was not such a big boundary crossing (although it probably was, and I am actually sorry about that but I didn’t really know what else to do, since you know I have much more pertinent things to talk about during our next session, so I just felt really really stuck and I hope you can forgive it). I would just really appreciate if you could be more mindful of the way I'm interpreting you in these situations. And I would also like to thank you for listening yesterday, because I know I laid a lot of really tough stuff on you and I really appreciate how supportive you were. That felt really, really good to me, and it meant a lot.

[Asiablue]

I feel like you spend way way wayyyyyyyy too much time making excuses for others at the expense of yourself. You are far too focused on boundaries. Everyone else's boundaries are not your problem, you are not the boundary-keeper. Everyone is responsible for keeping their own boundaries and letting someone know if they've been over-stepped. You don't need to be worrying about it so much.

I've also noticed a lot of black and white thinking in your posts. You say that you couldn't find another T who is both caring with looser boundaries AND who is good with all the other issues you face. That simply isn't true. A truly great therapist can be flexible with contact when needed, and can deal with subject they didn't necessarily train in specifically but can learn about and approach with empathy and understanding anyway.

You do have to respect that your T is short on time now, and she is right in the respect that a session the day after might not be enough time for both of you to process. I know these feelings are uncomfortable to sit with but it's not really an emergency, even if it feels like it. Also she may not want to flood you which can happen in trauma work, she might be trying to pace you.

I feel like you're denying all your own needs a lot of the time and as someone said before not allowing yourself to feel negative emotions about things. You reason it all away.

Your email... i don't know, it feels quite passive aggressive to me, it's a whole bunch of words and reasonings all wrapped up in a polite bow but there's a real undercurrent of anger in it. There's a lot of words in there which could be summed up in about 2 paragraphs; " I AM angry the way you make me feel" " i am angry that i feel unsupported in times of need" " i am angry that you make me feel responsible for your boundaries" " i am angry that i feel shamed just for needing more time." etc.

I challenge you to write a letter how you really feel, using " i am angry" or "it pisses me off" etc, use angry volatile words, express in a childish way if needed exactly how you're feeling, write as if there are no repercussions to being really mean.

Don't send that version tho! Unless you really want to that is. But i think you need to be led by your emotions and stop pretending they don't exist or packaging them into a nice mature little box that is pleasing for others.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I feel like you spend way way wayyyyyyyy too much time making excuses for others at the expense of yourself. You are far too focused on boundaries. Everyone else's boundaries are not your problem, you are not the boundary-keeper. Everyone is responsible for keeping their own boundaries and letting someone know if they've been over-stepped. You don't need to be worrying about it so much.

I've also noticed a lot of black and white thinking in your posts. You say that you couldn't find another T who is both caring with looser boundaries AND who is good with all the other issues you face. That simply isn't true. A truly great therapist can be flexible with contact when needed, and can deal with subject they didn't necessarily train in specifically but can learn about and approach with empathy and understanding anyway.

You do have to respect that your T is short on time now, and she is right in the respect that a session the day after might not be enough time for both of you to process. I know these feelings are uncomfortable to sit with but it's not really an emergency, even if it feels like it. Also she may not want to flood you which can happen in trauma work, she might be trying to pace you.

I feel like you're denying all your own needs a lot of the time and as someone said before not allowing yourself to feel negative emotions about things. You reason it all away.

Your email... i don't know, it feels quite passive aggressive to me, it's a whole bunch of words and reasonings all wrapped up in a polite bow but there's a real undercurrent of anger in it. There's a lot of words in there which could be summed up in about 2 paragraphs; " I AM angry the way you make me feel" " i am angry that i feel unsupported in times of need" " i am angry that you make me feel responsible for your boundaries" " i am angry that i feel shamed just for needing more time." etc.

I challenge you to write a letter how you really feel, using " i am angry" or "it pisses me off" etc, use angry volatile words, express in a childish way if needed exactly how you're feeling, write as if there are no repercussions to being really mean.

Don't send that version tho! Unless you really want to that is. But i think you need to be led by your emotions and stop pretending they don't exist or packaging them into a nice mature little box that is pleasing for others.

To be fair, there aren't a lot of therapists in the world who are not only LGBT friendly but are well-versed in LGBT issues, and that is really important to me at this point in my life because straight people, no matter how well-intentioned and flexible and open-minded, just don't get it most of the time, and who also work with anxiety and abuse survivors, and whose offices are convenient to get to (can't drive yet because of a vision problem and I'm not doing a two hour bus ride to get to therapy - 30 minute subway ride max) and whose fees are not outrageous (insurance doesn't cover therapy, only psychiatry, and I don't need a psychiatrist). That's the thing about universal healthcare - it covers most things, but the things that it doesn't cover are ridiculously expensive (ex. my vision therapy for my eye problem is $250 a week) and the cheap/free ones have insane waiting lists. But who am I to complain about OHIP?

And the thing about anger - I'm not angry. I'm really, really not. Or maybe it's there somewhere but I don't know how to access it. I'm not pissed off. I'm not mad at her. I'm just sad and hurt and feeling really frustrated with myself.

Sending an email to begin with is a bad idea and I KNOW that. But I'm trying to decide whether or not I care. And sending an "I am angry at the way you made me feel" email would solve nothing because there wouldn't be enough information for her to actually solve the problem...I know if I'm going to send anything I need to cut it way, way down; it's just that it's 4:42 in the morning and I wrote out every single thing that came into my head. But yeah, I can see the passive aggressive-ness of it (although I really dislike that label). But I can't just say, "I'm angry," a) because that will solve nothing and b) because I'm not.

Also, the thing about boundaries is just conditioning. I've way overstepped people's boundaries before and they ended up leaving me. I don't want that to ever happen again.

I hear you say how much you like this T but I would have some serious problems with her. I don't understand why you are tip-toeing around her like it's all about your T. I thought your sessions were supposed to be about you and your needs? Not dancing around how your T feels. You are not abusing your T, you sound respectful to me. I also don't like how you mentioned that your T is trying to "teach" you that "you can't always get what you want". Excuse me but this sounds outrageous. What makes her think you always get what you want? If that were the case, would you even need therapy? You are enduring numerous issues in your life no? Is that getting what you want? This sounds bizarre to me and I'm sorry for you that you feel she is the best you can get but I understand the need to settle. Some help is better than none.

[Freewilled]

I feel like somehow I can really relate to you but I'm not sure where the common thread comes from....Because I am very opposite, regarding how I am with my T. I don't ask for anything really. I can't imagine asking him for another session right now. Not that it's wrong to do so, that's where I'm at right now and I'm working at it. But you've asked and she said no. It reminds me of when you wanted her to tell you she cared about you as a person and the struggle around that situation.

Your T said no. So that's it, in my mind. Now how do you feel about that? Not why but how? That's key.