Something happened to me and no one cares (trigger- SA)

When your sister goes on and on about her boyfriend, do you have any tactics to shut her down? Does changing the subject work?

Having a strategy in mind may help?

Well, I told her over the phone that I need a break from hearing about her boyfriend. She actually told me that her best friend has been threatening to end their friendship if she doesn't stop talking about the boyfriend and bringing him along to all of their activities. So, I'm clearly not the only one giving her the message. Even so, when I remind her that I don't want to hear about it or change the subject, she'll talk about something else for 15 minutes and then find a way to bring the conversation back to him yet again! Other than remind her that I don't want to hear about it, I'm not sure what strategy to use.

I also don't know what strategy to use to dig myself out of my depression, put a smile on my face, and build up some energy. It's a struggle right now!

Maybe , and I'm only partially joking here, you could start a "boyfriend jar" --every time she starts up the subject-a quarter in the jar from your sister!!

I guess strategy isn't a helpful word. I'm thinking of any action that may surprise your sister enough to catch herself. For example if she goes on and on and you just get silent--how long would it be before she catches herself by picking up on your silence?

If she has to talk about the boyfriend so much, maybe the relationship really isn't that great.

I know how difficult family can be--I hope she doesn't drive you crazy!!

Whenever she mentions bf, you could smile and say something like: "There you go again!"

yeah, I like bill's idea

I want to look at this from a different point. It sounds that perhaps you are attracting certain type of women.
Aggressive, abrasive, pushy, touching too soon, perhaps trashy ( drunk on the first date????) etc the one that assaulted you now this one....

Are you exploring in therapy why you attract this women? I personally don't believe you need to change who you are or change how you behave. I don't believe there is anything wrong with the way you behave, you sound just fine, you sound like a sensitive thoughtful person, but there is something wrong with women you attract.

I in the million years can't imagine myself or any of my girlfriends behaving the way these women behave on first dates. This is not normal. I am not saying we are that awesome but we behave properly with people. These women do not.

I attracted wrong men my whole life. Just like my dad. I've been working hard to stop the pattern. Do you recognize the pattern?

Do you not recognize the signs before you go on a date? Should be noticeable during phone conversations etc something makes you attract these women .....whatever it is needs to be explored imho so you can attract right women.

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I'm a femme lesbian in an area where there are not a lot of gay people, so I use online dating. I have no way of judging their behavior prior to the first date. I select educated women with good jobs who use proper grammar and seem to be emotionally intelligent via email/text. The woman I went on a date with this past weekend is actually a therapist!! The woman who sexually assaulted me is a nurse. (Fyi, the only one who was drunk was the woman who assaulted me; the date this past weekend was not drunk and really didn't do anything "wrong"-- just more forward/brash than I like). I really do not think the problem is that I am attracting the wrong people to me. I've gone on plenty of dates with nice women who I just didn't "click" with. The problem is that there is a small pool of femme lesbian women in my area and the only way I know to find them is through online dating. Regardless, I'm taking a break from dating for right now.

Thanks! I like the idea of the jar!

I stole the idea from my clever cousin who recently started transitioning female to male and started his own jar for every time someone used the wrong gender pronouns. My parents were visiting and they gave up getting it right so they gave him 50 bucks as a "I'm sorry I can't help messing up what to say" for the jar.

I figure it might work in other instances too.

I think it would be rich if your sis came only to go on about how great her love life is... and not being sensitive to your current situation. Has she been supportive at all since your initial call to her?

It might be worth laying cards on the table with her (amicably, not to start a fight). You most certainly don’t need to put on a happy face for her sake. I just hope she can be sensitive enough to be there for you and supportive.

I hope I am not being too forward here but it may even be necessary to set stricter boundaries with your sis... I mean you are suffering enough, don’t need someone else to poke the needle in - esp when you don’t have real-life/T support.

I apologize if I offended you.. Sorry.

Listen I know they are intelligent and educated. I only go for men who are professional and intelligent. None is ever trashy. They are just very wrong for me. On the surface they are high class but a mess Deep inside. Yes I met some really nice men but didn't click because I subconsciously only got attracted to the ones that are wrong for me.

So I had a feeling you might be attracted to wrong women. That's why you don't click with nice ones. Subconscious attraction. I work on fighting this attractions.

Yeah online dating appears to be the only way to meet nowadays regardless of sexual orientation. I am almost 50 and have no other ways but do online.

By the way I dated two therapists and they were hopelessly very bad boyfriends. And the last guy I dated briefly has PhD etc but was a mess, none of the professional success makes them good partners.



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The whole point is that I was NOT attracted to the woman I met this weekend or to the woman who sexually assaulted me. I went on one date with each of them and knew within the first hour of the date that I was not interested. That's where I'm not following you. I was not drawn to them; quite the opposite! They had great profiles and very polite emails but as soon as I met them in person, I was able to see that they were not what I was looking for.

It's also not my "fault" that i just didn't click with the nice women I met. You can't force chemistry if it isn't there. We exchanged great emails but, in person, we had little to talk about or there was no physical attraction or we realized that we didn't have enough in common. Not everyone who is nice is the right match for me. Thats why I just need a break from it all for right now.

Eta: I also don't think the woman I met this weekend was "trashy." She just had more of a stereotypically "masculine" personality in that she was more aggressive/foreward. I prefer women who are more mild mannered and gentile. With lesbian dating, there is a lot of gender politics to take into account.

It can be-but it is not always true. I never had gender politics come up in relation to dating.

I rarely have had immediate chemistry with anyone I dated long term. It grew over a bit of time.

I guess what I meant by that is that if a woman seems in any way "masculine" to me it is a HUGE turn-off. I'm only attracted to women who are extremely feminine-- which is somewhat hard to find.

I'm the opposite; if chemistry isn't there immediately, it never develops for me. With all of my long-term relationships, I was interested in them within the first five minutes of meeting them. I've tried dating someone great who I didn't have chemistry with in the hopes that it would develop probably four or five times-- and it just never did. I've also never developed a crush on a friend/colleague over time. I don't know why I work the way I do; for me, it's just instant or it's not.

When I meant attracted or attracting I didn't mean sexual chemistry or physical attraction. I meant people who we end up somehow finding or they find us. I meant attraction in that sense.

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I understood that, and if I kept meeting bad matches in person or pursuing bad matches I met online I would probably agree with you. But I don't really think that principle works when it comes to first dates you meet online. I think pretty much everyone who has done online dating has had some terrible first dates and met their share of "duds." Thats because people can present themselves really well in a profile/email, and you don't really know what they're like until you meet them in person. Even my sister met some trainwrecks online before finally coming across her boyfriend! I think the idea of attracting the wrong people only applies when you invite those people in; not when you meet them and immediately run the other way!

You were sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry. It's infuriating that people don't listen to victims of sexual assault, even their own families.

I'm sorry you can't rely on your family. Hopefully your T will help you process this and you'll find people who understand and will hear you out.

For me instant intense chemistry happens precisely when the person is wrong for me. My t said is often typical. Your body and emotions subconsciously respond to what's familiar. And what's familiar is unfortunately isn't always good.

She asked me to try not to go for initial chemistry but for human qualities and emotional connection. I am now dating someone the first time that I felt no chemistry on the first and second and third date yet as we kept getting to know each other I am crazy about the guy. If I rejected him right away I would miss on a lot. Don't know where it is going, but he is cool.

I am surprised you say it's hard to find feminine lesbians. I know many through my daughter. My daughter is very girly ( she is bi-sexual) and every lesbian she dated was feminine -girly including her long term one she lived with for 4 years. She is with a man right now. Many of her lesbian girlfriends though are all very feminine. One of them dating one who is a bit masculine. They are all in late 20s early 30s. She lives in a very cosmopolitan area though as do I as well.

I always thought the only men out there are type A matcho types. Turned out I was just attracting that type into my life. There are other types out there!

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Everyone works differently. For me, the instant chemistry isn't necesaarily about physical attraction at all. It's about seeing someone's smile, body language, ability to engage in witty reparte, etc. it's good energy or a good connection. Granted, the women I was in long term relationships with didn't end up being "the one" forever-- but they were good relationships at that point in my life. The person I was in love with at 20 just isn't necessarily the person who is right for me at 30 and with whom I want to have kids. We grew apart and want different things as adults. My T has said different people work differently and, for me, I am able to tell right away if I'm interested or not-- and I need to listen to my own instincts. She thinks I do a good job of picking (or rejecting) potential girlfriends.

With online dating, I also know before meeting someone if they have a stable job, want kids, have their own place to live, share my basic values, etc. So, really, I already know if they have the "on paper" qualities I want in another person. The thing I don't know is whether there is that good energy and personal connection. If it's there, yes! Then I know they are potentially a good match because I already vetted them for the qualities I'm looking for. If not, it's just going to happen. If they're boring, or aggressive, or have bad manners, or can't hold a conversation-- no need to "try" to like them. It isn't going to happen.

I'm from a big Metropolitan area where femme lesbians were much more common. Unfortunately, for work, I had to move to a much smaller area where there are not a lot of gay people. I never had any difficulty dating in a bigger city-- and I moved to this city while in a relationship. When I broke up with her, I realized that dating here is much different! It's a very nature/fishing/cabins/biking/sports type place-- and I don't share those interests. The lesbian scene here is also very butch/femme. I'm a femme looking for another femme, and it is not as common in this area.

Just wanted to say that I did my share of online dating in my 20s before I got together with my husband (met him at work). I definitely met my share of duds, where they seemed great online and even on the phone, but then in person, just eh... (or I liked them, but apparently they were just "eh" about me.) And I was in a major metropolitan area dating the opposite gender--so I can imagine it's much more difficult for you because you're dealing with a smaller pool of potential dates.

I learned that it was best to plan a fairly short activity, like coffee, with them, so if I knew immediately it was a no, then I wouldn't have to spend a long time with them (and waste both of our time).

Do you foresee any opportunity to move to a bigger city in the future?

Thanks for sharing. You hit the nail on the head. The smaller pool of available people and the inability to assess comparability before meeting are the biggest challenges. I will also try to plan SHORT dates in the future, whenever I decide to go back "on the market."

I would like to move back to a bigger city. I'm a professor in a pretty specialized subfield, so there are only so many positions available in my field. But when the opportunity to move for a job in a better city opens up, I plan to take it.

Good luck with potential move.
I understand having to stay where the job is.

I had to laugh at fishing/cabin life style lol so not my scene either. I did and still do online dating too . It's a pain in a butt I so agree .

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Update: it turns out that my T may be more ill than I realized. She said she is waiting for test results and will let me know wheyher or not we can have out session next week. First and foremost, I'm worried about my T! Even beyond the context of therapy, I really care about her as a person. She has three kids and a ton of other people who love her and need her. I care more about her well being than I do about my sessions. After that foremost concern, however, I am worried about the future of my therapy. If we miss next week, that will be the third session we have missed in the last 30 days. This is the hardest time I have had since I started therapy, and I've had virtually no therapeutic support. I don't know how much longer I can go without therapy, or even knowing if/when my T is coming back. Finally, I feel like I'm losing my connection with my T. I still really care about her, but I don't feel close to her like I used to and I don't feel as though I can rely on her when she is obviously going through her own health struggle (and she still hasn't told me what her doctors are testing for). If she does have something serious, it would not feel right to dump my stuff on her even if she does return to work. But I also can't imagine starting over with someone new after working with my T for 5 years and having the kind of relationshup where we say "I love you." I don't think I would ever have that with another T. Hopefully, T will be just fine... but what if she's not?

Oh no. I hope she is all right. Just give it time and hope she is ok

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Just giving it time is probably the hardest thing to do. The first session she missed, I showed up and only found out later on why she didn't show up. The second time, she cancelled the night before. Now, my session is in 2 days and I probably won't know until the day of whether it is happening. Trying to cope with a sexual assault without knowing if you are going to have therapy-- or if your therapist is going to be okay-- is really hard. If I had family or other support, I might be okay but I don't. My therapist is the closest thing to a loving "mom" or "family" that I have ever had. If my T isn't going to be there this week, I think I need to try and find a temporary T or something because I can't keep going without any support.