I have a really bad transference issue. I need help

I think my transference issue, has reached a point to where it's getting to become unhealthy. It has been for a very long time. I'm just now becoming aware of it. I don't really know what to do or say about it anymore to my therapist. She isn't leaving, but I'm always freaked that she will. And she is in my thoughts, more than I think is normal... Even for someone in therapy. Even for someone with transference. I'm just gonna explain my transference, and just tell me if I'm too attached to her. And maybe what to do??? Like I don't know if I can leave. It's 5 years. I don't think I can leave her willingly. I don't even know what I'm asking anymore but this is driving me insane!!! I want insight or something. I don't know what to do or say even to her at sessions to fix this. Or if I should. It's so much to think about and so confusing. It's not just one thing it's like, every aspect of my life is somehow connected to it.

It's affecting my dreams as well. I could on and on about the dreams I have about her dying in some accident, her family keeps me from seeing her, and The dream ends with me heartbroken and unable to move on. Or, the other theme being me trying to get to one of her appointments. Like, I keep getting stuck in traffic, they get cancelled, I have to run through the woods for miles or I speed through red lights, etc. trying to get to her appointment. And I'm panicked in the dream. Because I'm running late and that means less time to see her. And I keep ****ing up by blowing red lights. Or then the car breaks down and I end up having to run through rain. Etc. and when I do get there, and what toke EXTREME effort to get there, she is with another client... And I feel heartbroken again and I wake up. And the one dream, where she treated me like a her daughter, but then we did sexual things.

Here are a few things my T has said or done. Most has happened fairly recently. Like, none of its bad or has ever crossed the line, EVER, but I'm wondering the meaning behind it... Or if I'm just blowing things out of proportion and this is normal with every client a therapist has. Like it's not just me. I can't tell if she actually likes me or if it's just, what they all say kind of thing... Seriously I can't trust my own judgement anymore! That's why I'm asking! Regardless, all of this, has been feeding my transference to help it grow into something, very massive...and scary.

- the very first I was crying ever with her (2011), my T got out of her chair and put her hand on my knee and looked down at me like she was actually going to cry as well and asked what was wrong. And wouldn't move her hand until I answered her.
- she said, when I told her I lied about something I lied about, that she said that meant so much to her that I told her the truth.
- randomly asked if she would come to my wedding (jokingly) and said she would be glad to.
- she said at some point, well maybe a few times, that if I died, she would be heart broken. And the other time said if I died she thought she might not be able to get over it.
- she brought up things, like TV shows, that I might like that she saw or, she said she heard of this book and immediately thought of me. Which struck to me as odd because why would she be thinking of me???
- despite her deep caring for me, I don't know a whole lot about her.. But she has told me certain things about herself that were, useful to my therapy and also meant a lot to me. They were SORT OF deep in an indirect way.. She wasn't specific.
- I asked, if she could hug me. She said yes and that it's perfectly normal. (May 2015) And she did. It was short but genuine.
- after that first hug, she hugs me after every the end of every appointment. And the hugs are getting "stronger" idk. Like, less of a testing the waters kind of thing.. Sometimes she won't let go and back away until I return eye contact.. She never said anything about it though, it's literally like unspoken language sometimes with her wtf?!
- she had said to me, many times, and has made a point to let me know that I am more than "just a client in an appointment book" and that her caring for me has NOTHING to do with the money she gets.
- she has mentioned that i am "one of her favorite" clients and that she cares a whole lot about me.
- she says I can call her whenever I need to, and she'd get back to me ASAP, but I never have in the 5 years I've seen her. (I probably should of a few times now that I look back.. Some emergencies could of been prevented)
- another time, much more recently (June 2015) I cried for the maybe the SECOND or THIRD time ever with her the five years I've been with her, after discussing with her about going to college. And with that, possibly leaving to go somewhere. I brought up college on purpose to talk about that subject.. She said she'd always be there, even if I went away, I could see her during vacations because she will be expecting a visit. If that's what I wanted (obviously is). And then she started talking about something else I forget what, and I started to think about leaving and I was getting more and more upset to the point where I was responding to her anymore. I was shutting down because I didn't want to cry, but then I kinda did. Because if I did, maybe she would come over and hug me or hold my hand or something... This kind of "silent game" thing went on for 10 minutes. Then, she said, "I'm mentioning this to all clients" I literally thought that she was gonna tell me she had cancer or was going to die (not even kidding! First thing to come to mind) but she said "I'm going to Africa for a vacation for 5 weeks, and I won't be here..." As soon as she said that, I started crying and crying. She came over and say in the other chair next to me and said give me your hand. And I didn't at first until she said it again. Then I did. She said is it because I'm leaving. I lied and said no. Held my hand for 10 minutes and ran her thumb on the top of my hand a few times. I didn't grip her back because I was like, fear stricken. I didn't give her eye contact either. Eventually said something or another. She didn't actually ask "what was wrong" since I wouldn't tell her the truth. Eventually she let me check myself in the mirror, which was between us. She told me she isn't going anywhere, as a promise. And then the appointment ended and we hugged.
Best therapy moment ever.

Do you think she likes me? And genuinely cares?

This is all I've been thinking about, now that I come to think of it, for years. And now I know, it's because I've been severely deprived of motherly love, as a child. I never trusted men, so I wanted my mom. My mother, wasn't "abusive" more distant... She was cold I guess. Sometimes emotionally.. She never said "I love you" or hugged me or anything. And part of it was my fault. I was abused by my friends stepdad because we were neighbors and it was convenient to go other their. My mom didn't want me around because I was so ****ing clingy. It was my fault it happened. The abuse and why she pushed away. I was clingy. And I was too stupid to not say anything about the abuse. If I wasn't clingy I wouldn't have had to go over there. She doesn't know I was abused. Hopefully not. I would kill myself if she knew. That's the one thing that would make me do that, other than my T telling me she hates me and never wants to see me again. Also, I'm very envious if perfect little girls who have perfect, loving mothers. It makes me ****ing SICK that I couldn't HAVE THAT. I tried to be them. I tried to be straight and popular and bubbly. Normal, but it was so hard. They had their sit together and everything going for them at school. When they went to prom I was at home cutting my arms.

I wanted it so badly, but I'm 18 now and it's too late. And their 18 now. They got the love and the perfect mother who would hold them. And make them feel like they were the best thing in the world. And now, they can move on. And marry a perfect man and have perfect children, to nurture themselves. Well not me. I'm stuck right here. I'm stuck at about age 5. Because I can't move on. I didn't get that love and I'm trying SO HARD to seek through other older women, who I admire as well together, and strong. They're like heroines. I literally see them as that. And every time,I just push them away because I smother them. I CLING, and it's obsessive and annoying. Who wouldn't run away... That's why I'm so careful with my therapist. I haven't managed to **** it up yet but I will. If I keep trying to push the envelop I WILL MESS UP. I should of NEVER asked for the hugs. It's too late now. I got it once I'm not giving it up. And I should of NEVER EVER manipulated her into holding my hand by crying. That was ****ing wrong. She probably didn't want to. God I don't know what to do. This **** makes me suicidal. This is so difficult and it's never going to go away. I'm stuck here forever. I can't move forward. I don't know what to do. I just want a mom and want the affection I never got. I want me my T to love me but it never, will happen.

I'm so sorry if you ripped your eye balls out of your sockets trying to read this.

I also have a bad transference issue, including fear of abandonment, so I'm not sure what to say to help. Just wanted to say you're not alone and give you a

Does your t know all this stuff about your mom and the friends stepdad? Cuz i would just try to be as honest with her as possible. It sounds like youre on the right track.

The things you are talking about... Touching you without even asking if you're OK with that? Now that is ****ing wrong. Your T's boundaries are all over the place, and I would even say that her behavior is inappropriate. She's either inexperienced or doesn't know how to handle countertransference.

Did you talk to her about your feelings and fears? You can try to work through it.

When she touched my knee (2011), she asked what was wrong. That wasn't really a big deal. She was very concerned at that time because I just got out of the hospital... she never did that before.

Then no touching until years later when we started to hug, but I started that. Like I asked. And she then later asked if it was still okay. I said yes. That was all me.

And then she came over and just held my hand that one time recently ago because I was sobbing... I didn't mind at all. and she has never done anything wrong at all... I think I typed something wrong or whatever because I started the hugs/touching in the first place. And I wanted her to hold my hand. If I said no to her holding my hand, she would of stopped... Other than that all we do is hug at end or sessions... I think you must of read one of my dreams or something... Or I miscommunicated or whatever.. I don't think I said that...it's really just a me problem. Unless I miscommunicated when I typed I don't know. Sorry!!! I probably miscommunicated typing this. I swear, she is the best T ever. I have others to compare her too from the past. She is very professional. What part are you specifically talking about that was bad???

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Or was just the, "let me hold your hand" command not appropriate? Like, I think she tried to get me to talk, but I didn't so that's why she did it or kinda asked me too.. I did try to talk to her about it.. But I couldn't get myself to say much. I was embarrassed about the way I feel, for no reason.

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She knows, just not in great detail.

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Amelia, I'm sorry. It sounds so hard. I had real obsession stuff with my T, but for less than a year. I remember how consuming and exhausting it was, and I really feel for you.

Please don't feel bad for being manipulative. Of course you are trying to get your needs met. And the abuse you experienced was in no way your fault, not at all.
Maybe when you go to college, it will be a good experience in the long run. Presumably you could still contact your T and, as she says, see her in the breaks. So you have the reassurance that she is still there for you, but the distance to maybe break the transference a bit.

Amelia, if there were ever a contest on who has the "worst transference case" there would be a million patients applying. Transference, no matter how "extreme" is totally necessary in deep therapy. Just talking about love and loss problems in life isn't going to help you, it's only when you feel it in therapy that positive changes can happen. Amelia, I wish you would read up on transference some more at different on-line web sites and see how transference is a part of therapy. You can find out what the therapist believes and does about your feelings.
I have most of the "crazy" obsession with my T that you describe, Amelia. I actually felt better reading about your reactions, as I'm learning to honor my own inner child needs and fears. "Inner child" describes our situation in therapy very well, and allows that we also have an adult self that knows to go to work or school, pay bills, live real life, etc.
Be kind to yourself. Love and help your Inner Child. It sounds to me like your T knows what to do. Mine does a lot like yours. Just keep going to therapy and tell your T all that you can. It's scary to admit these things to T, as your early caretakers made you feel guilty and ashamed to feel or even to tell about it.
And it isn't just the logic you do in therapy that makes you stronger, but the relationship with the T that changes you over the long term. There's a lot to know about how transference works and how it can help you, not hurt you, and also a lot of discussion on the forum here. Just look up the "transference" articles and info on this forum and it should help with your fears quite a lot.

I read some things online before... I as much as I love my T, the guilt awful. Ugh I hate transference...

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I want to go away, but saying ill do it is different than actually doing it. I'll probably back out at the last minute. But I have a year left so... I'm okay for now

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I'm so sorry you're going through this painful process. Lots of us here know exactly what you mean. We've been there and many are still there right where you are too. I can promise you that it will get better and it's very common for those attachment and transference feelings to last for many years. As you grow emotionally and change (and you will) the strength of the transference loosens and you begin to have your own understanding and 'power' (for want of a better word) over it.

Restin is right - there are lots of articles etc that can explain what is happening in transference.

If there were times when you were very young that you missed out of important emotional input from your main carer(s) (and they may have just inadvertantly not given you what you needed at crucial stages) you will grow up with a feeling of having something missing, an emptiness and sometimes a longing or craving to find something that fills that. In people whose carer provided them with enough good emotional input what happens is that they very naturally learn to meet their own emotional needs themselves - they learn, for example, self-soothing and other healthy ways of helping themselves emotionally. They look to others for that much less and never in the same way that emotionally deprived people do.

Like you, I was one of those emotionally deprived children. Therapists are attentive, kind, warm, loving even, and when we experience that it feels as if the emptiness and longings are at last being met. It all feels so wonderful and our 'inner child' craves and needs more and more of it. What happens in time is that ( providing the T is consistent and remains there for you) you begin to learn to give yourself that soothing and comfort/strength. It can take a long time to calm that craving and needy inner child part of you. Sometimes it can feel very overwhelming. What I used to do when that happened was remember that I was/am in fact a sensible and competent adult and let the 'adult' part of me hold the reins so to speak until the child/needy part calmed down. That would enable me to take a bit of time and space to calm down, sooth myself, remember it's all part of transference.

What you learn in time is that your feelings of safety, emotional calm etc can come from within yourself. Sticking with therapy will enable you to learn to do that for yourself. Then you'll need what at the moment you crave from T less and less. She'll have helped you find and establish that within yourself. Yes, it can take a long, long time, but that is ok.

I think the main thing is to carry on being open with your T about how you feel. Also tell her you feel a bit overwhelmed by the transference at the moment. If you don't think she is really helping you with this then one option is to find another T to talk this all through with. I had to do that at one point as my T wasn't really trained in dealing with transference and we both got overwhelmed with it at one point. What I did was get a better understanding and help with dealing with it from second T for a brief time. I then went back to the first T to kind of carry on. For me that worked.

Don't be tempted to tell yourself that you 'shouldn't' be feeling like this. My T used to say that whatever you resist will persist. She was right. Human beings are emotional and relational beings and all our feelings are valid and allowed - especially feelings that come from deep within us and that are trying to tell us we need something. Be your own best friend and treat yourself and these feelings with compassion and patience. You will be ok.

Sending you hugs xx

Thank you... I don't think I'll ever really let go though. I could never, not see her anymore. Maybe the transference wouldn't be as dramatic or overwhelming, but I wouldn't want it to ever really end. And I'm not giving up 5 yrs just to start over. I'll just stick it out and tell her how I feel.

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I'm sorry that you're hurting so much, Amelia.

Like others have said, you're not alone in feeling the pain of all these unmet childhood emotional needs coming up.

Keep talking to your T. It will take tremendous courage to keep talking to her about transference, but as she meets you with compassion and understanding, it will be very healing.

I am so very sorry you are hurting Amelia. Transference is really tough. The BEST thing I did for my transference is telling my T about it. It was hard to tell her but she is really helping me understand and get through it and oddly enough, it has brought us closer on a therapeutic level.

Please tell your T everything you told us in this post. It will help.

Yes, that's very understandable. You don't need to give anything up. You're right to stick with it and tell her how you feel. It does change but, to be honest, I don't think that feeling the need for the attachment ever goes completely. I don't think it matters. You could compare it to the attachment to a parent. It changes once you become an adult, but you don't (usually!) cut yourself off from a parent. I keep in touch with my T from time to time over the phone (she is too far away for me to see in person now). It's very occasional now and that fulfills my need to keep a relationship that was and still is very important to me.

Take carex

I'll be honest, I don't think people replying to you have actually read your full post. Your therapist is breaking A LOT of standard boundaries and throwing up A LOT of red flags. She's a red flag factory at this point.

Lingering hugs, saying she doesn't think she'd ever get over losing you, calling you her favorite client, wanting to come to your wedding...

These are not things that most therapists do, because it creates an unhealthy experience for the client. What you're experiencing isn't normal, standard therapeutic transference. It's way, way, way more than that and has been enabled and encouraged by your therapist.

Maybe it's because you're so young and she genuinely wants to mother you. She probably does genuinely care, but it does seem like you could be in a less than perfect position because of the odd boundaries.

Sorry you're in so much pain.

Not surprising really. I mean, it's a freaking long post, I don't blame them for not reading if they didn't.

I've been really hoping she does feel that way about me actually... Which is actually one of the reasons why I posted this...My my dream is for her to actually love me like a mom. I smiled really big when you said "she probably does genuinely care...wants to mother you". Which probably is just making me look more ridiculous and obsessed.

What do you mean by red flags? Like, I never felt uncomfortable around her or anything at all. I swear. I didn't think she was doing anything wrong, I thought it was just me and I was looking for a way to keep my own transference under control. What are "standard boundaries" anyways? I mean, I know us hugging isn't always normal but she said it's not unusual and okay if the client is okay with it. She said there is nothing wrong with it.

But I think it's my fault, because I asked for the hugs and sort of, back handedly, said things to lead her in that direction, because otherwise she would of never said those things. Or done them. She is too professional... I had a therapist when I was 9 who was REALLY unprofessional (like, said that I was going to go blind from masturbation, and was in general a sack job) so I have comparisons... I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for her.

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I guess the thing is, if people haven't read it all they might just say 'oh this is another post about transference' and respond as if you're having run of the mill problems.

The things I highlighted in my first post are the things which I think fall outside most typical therapeutic relationships. Hugs are fine. Lingering hugs... seem odd.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being happy that your therapist cares for you. It's awesome that you have a therapist who does, and that you feel that connection. If she says it is genuine, and you feel it is, then it in all likelihood is.

I wonder if it would be useful to you and her to have a discussion around the relationship. However, I do think it's not ideal for you to blame yourself for anything you have done. You're the client. You are in her care. It's up to her to make sure the dynamic stays healthy. Not you.

To be honest, I didn't know that long hugs and "one of my favourite clients" are red flags...

But then I'm not sure what *are* normal therapist boundaries.

I think your T cares. The only worrying thing (for me at least) is IF she is (1) inconsistent or (2) is loosening boundaries. (2) is bad because you can be very hurt if she tightens them back up. So I personally would ask if she'll one day tighten boundaries back up.

I had a T who would give me extra time and when I worried about it, she would tell me not to caretake her and it was her job to mind the boundaries and determine how much time I needed.

Then she got supervision/peer consultation/ another T called her out and then she suddenly said no more extra time unless emergency. That was very jarring and I felt punished though she initially said she was the one who should control the boundaries.

So I worry a bit that your T might tighten boundaries back up and I hope that isn't the case.

I've tried to talk about it, but I end up just not being able to because in embarrassed about it. Even though, she's willing to talk about it. I've said a little about it and it wasn't in much detail.

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I have no idea what's really normal either. I can't define normal in any context. I REALLY hope she wouldn't tighten them back up, considering they barely seem to be loosened, to me. Omg, I would have a HUGE mental breakdown if that happened... God I don't even like thinking about it.

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I'm really sorry if I inflamed your anxiety!

However, I'd second Skyscraper Meow that it might be good to talk about this with your T.

I don't know how experienced she is as a T but in my opinion, she should be monitoring herself for countertransference (positive or negative) and should not promise things which she might not be able to keep and should not be giving things she might later resent giving (example, my T doesn't offer out of session contact because she says she will resent it later).

My anxiety is always inflamed... Don't even worry about it

She's been a T for 15 years... She's highly recommended, etc. and in the 5 years I've been with her, she's never gone back on anything she promised. I do plan on talking to her more about it when she gets back in 3 weeks from her vacation. It's been 2 weeks since I last her... I have no idea if she has countertransference or not. I hope she does though because then that means she likes me.

I'm sorry your T toke back out of session contact!!! I feel so bad for you right now.

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Do you have generalised anxiety disorder too? Worrying all the time sucks.

I can relate a bit on wanting T to have countertransference - it sort of means "I'm not run of the mill, I'm a little bit more special!" for me even if it was negative countertransference. (She said it was countertransference)

My ex T found me (and some other clients) difficult and somehow to me, that meant I was a little bit more special because then it meant she thought about me more and even had supervision and peer consultation about me (and other clients) but that meant I was in the "special" batch.

Probably because I always felt invisible growing up.

She probably likes you more than some others, else she wouldn't say you're "one of her favourites". Therapists are human, after all, and may connect better with some others and like some more than others.

No worries, I wasn't clear enough - she didn't give it in the first place, explaining that she wouldn't give anything she would later resent.

I thought at first that it was a blanket agency clinic policy, but then she said something about some other clients being much more assertive with their needs, implying that the clinic staff had experienced clients yelling and I realised they could have probably call reception and ask for her.

And said how she would never let anyone call her every day so I got the impression that *some* clients can call her, but I'm not one of them.

I did have ex T tighten boundaries though, and it hurt.

I'm sorry I'm talking about myself though!

I really hope when your T gets back from vacation that you can talk with her about your feelings and fears. Maybe even write, if it's hard.

I hope she will be able to be reassuring and clear about her boundaries.