This seems to be coming up a lot lately. Not just with me, but I see it in a lot of your posts.

Have any of you talked about this with your T's?

I am sure that my therapist knows. I mean, he has to. Which makes me want to die. But I believe it's an important topic to talk about. However.... it's embarrassing as hell.

What do I say?

Hi. I want to %#@&#! you.

Hi. I wouldn't normally be attracted to you, but now that you are my T I want to jump on you, as well as men who look like you.

I don't know. I want to tell him everything. I want to get the most out of therapy that is possible. But this.... is horrific stuff.

[Perna]

I never thought there was much that I couldn't "analyze" myself? Being closer, absorbed, controlling, etc. LOL I don't know that it's just because they're our T but the nature of the relationship (if we had that close, a relationship with anyone we'd be likely to feel that way?). I would have never thought I'd fall in love with someone like my husband; a goodly amount older, fat, bald and already married; but I did. Having someone listen to us the way T's do, it's kind of inevitable.

[MissCharlotte]

I know that he knows that I know, because he seems to know everything often before I do.

I also know I cannot and will not say it. Not now, not ever, no way. Too hard, too embarrassing, too much over the top.

Letting him know i depend on him was hard enough, never mind>>>>>>well, you know.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

the complexities are mind boggling aren't they?

I dont think its exactly erotic transference I am having. I don't think about sex with T before I have engaged in the act with my husband. Its more a feeling of total love. That moment where you have just shared something so intimate and close. I do not feel I want to "jump" on T or grab her %#@&#! or anything like that, so I feel I will be able to talk about this tomorrow with her. I will say that during the love making with my husband I also felt intimately connected with her or rather that I wanted it to be with her also, that same amount of closeness. So erotic? Nah not my understanding of erotic anyway.

I don't know... sometimes we'll be talking in session, and I just look at him... the way he is staring at me, looking all engaged.... and I just can't take it. Like I can't even look at him anymore because the feeling is just too strong. And I am interested in wanting him to think I'm attractive. Last session I was almost there... I almost yelled at him for looking at me like that because it's too much... but I guess I wasn't ready yet because it didn't come out. I closed my eyes. I turned away from him.

I love that he looks at me that way.
I hate that he looks at me that way.

Proberbly different for me because my T is a woman. I often look at her and wonder what she looks like naked, but thats more a way as a child I would want to peek in at mum getting undressed. God knows why kids have these needs *hand on head* but its almost like those pictures of naked women holding their naked babies, its that wanting nothing what so ever to block any closeness. I just want to feeeeellllllll close, feeeeeeeeel love.

[PetulantWolf]

The subject came up... I forget who brought it up. But sometimes I just walk in and say "you look good today". Cause he does. Once I told him "yeah i think youre hot but Im not an idiot. I dont think we're going to do it or anything". And Im pretty sure I offered to felate him once becuse I didnt have any money. But I was kidding. Mostly.

I guess that made him nervous cause during the next visit he started talked about his wife and compared tbeing a shrink to being a priest, lol. So now I call him "Reverand" for kind of a joke and I told him Im not going to put the moves on him, that I still think he's hot and but I need therapy more than I need nookie and that I really wouldnt respect him anymore if he cheated on his wife to boink a client anyway.

So of course I know nothing is going to happen nor do I really want it to unless someone has a magic wand to
make his wife leave him kids grow up and me not need therapy anymore.

I guess the short answer is: "Yes, we've discussed it". Sorry for the babbling on and on...

When he looks at me I feel so drawn in to him.

Maybe tomorrow I will ask him to look at the wall.

Or put a paper bag over his head.

haha

so vulnerable.

[SecretGarden]

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justsignmeupalready said:
The subject came up... I forget who brought it up. But sometimes I just walk in and say "you look good today". Cause he does. Once I told him "yeah i think youre hot but Im not an idiot. I dont think we're going to do it or anything". And Im pretty sure I offered to felate him once becuse I didnt have any money. But I was kidding. Mostly.

I guess that made him nervous cause during the next visit he started talked about his wife and compared tbeing a shrink to being a priest, lol. So now I call him "Reverand" for kind of a joke and I told him Im not going to put the moves on him, that I still think he's hot and but I need therapy more than I need nookie and that I really wouldnt respect him anymore if he cheated on his wife to boink a client anyway.

So of course I know nothing is going to happen nor do I really want it to unless someone has a magic wand to
make his wife leave him kids grow up and me not need therapy anymore.

I guess the short answer is: "Yes, we've discussed it". Sorry for the babbling on and on...

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I loved this post.... How honest... I love it...

[PetulantWolf]

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SecretGarden said:
[

I loved this post.... How honest... I love it...

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Thanks My T is awesome. I really do tell him everything. Even when Im a little scared. Whatever it is he always handles it ,and sometimes I am a lot to handle.

[SecretGarden]

It sounds like it...lol...

I wish I could be so open sometimes... your reality sounds like my fantasy.

As long as it does not get in the way of the therapy... it sounds like fun.

[SecretGarden]

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. I just want to feeeeellllllll close, feeeeeeeeel love.

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I would like to feel close too.... and cared for and nurtured... but mine is a man and I have not shared with him but suppose I fantasize about him from time to time. Totally solo here though so...no transference here..just fantasy.

For me, because it is part of my "issues" ( that being sexualized at an early age)...i tend to sexualize/eroticize all relationships.

so in order to have an amount of 'normalization' to this...because of course I have felt erotic feelings for my therapist...and because it is at least a part of why i started therapy in the first place....it had to be addressed on some level.

so the transference can be used to work on things...in a relatively safe place.

so i have been somewhat open about this issue...at least for me. and it is still very difficult to talk about.

[sunrise]

I have not discussed it with my T and am not sure I have erotic transference too much toward him. I have come to see him as attractive, but I didn't the first times we met. He has grown on me. (Unfortunately, I obtained a super hot pic of him as a young man--long story--and he was a hottie-super-stud looking kind of guy back then, and I did go through a phase where I looked at that pic quite a bit. It's like I look at that pic and think Holy F**k and have to put it away--too hot to handle. I don't go there anymore. I like T his current age just fine.)

There was a month between the very first and second times I met with my T, and I was very busy during this time and had little time to think about my new therapy. Then the night before our second meeting, I had this dream about him (remember I'd only met him once, a whole month before), and we were together in his office, the lights dimmed, sitting on his couch side by side, and he had his arms around me from behind, kind of like spooning. He was holding and comforting me. I felt totally deviant for having had this dream. I'd only met the guy once, and here my unconscious was diving head first into a strong attachment to him, manufacturing taboo images of therapist and client touching. It really freaked me out! I never told him this dream (we scarcely knew each other), but it really sticks in my head. I don't think it was sexual, but I would have felt embarrassed as hell to tell him about it.

[sidony]

I guess I'm a little out of the norm here because I don't think I have any erotic feelings toward my therapist. I don't think of him in a sexual way though I know I've cast him in a father-figure role. Instead of wanting him sexually, sometimes I fantasize that he sees me somewhere with a new love (you know, in the arms of some new love-of-my-life whom I will hopefully find one day). So I guess I want my therapist to see me being healthy and happy and in love. That's pretty darn close to making him into a father-figure I think. I love the way my therapist looks at me though. I do have very very strong feelings towards him -- it just doesn't seem to go sexual for me. I guess that makes it easier for me. My therapist is a lot older than I am -- I remember that I didn't want a therapist around my own age for fear that I would have too strong sexual feelings for him.

Sidony

[sunrise]

sidony, I think I'm closer to you than some here. I do have fantasies that one day I will find a new mate or significant other (T has been helping me with the marriage/divorce decision and process) and be very happy and that I will let T know about this. I think it would make him very happy (although I know it would please him to see me happy in any context). I know that my T is divorced but is currently in a great relationship with a woman, and that makes me very happy for him (and perhaps helps me not have erotic transference since he is "taken"). I think having been through marriage, divorce, a new significant relationship, etc., makes him a better and more empathetic therapist for people going through the same things.

[sidony]

Hey sunrise,

I also tend not to be drawn toward people who are "taken" so that's helpful. My therapist is also married and mentioned that he's been married 26 years (or something like that). He sometimes mentions things about his relationship with his wife (not very detailed of course like most therapists, but he gives me an idea of what maintaining a relationship is like). I like knowing that he has a healthy relationship. It makes me more sure that he knows what he's talking about. I hope I can have a long healthy relationship one day too. I would like to be happy. And of course I'd love for him to see me happy too. I'm sure he would like it.

Sidony

[(JD)]

Sunrise, I wouldn't be so concerned over your "spooning" dream with T... the set up sounds like you felt quite safe and comforted...and confortable being with him. That's a great start to therapy.

[sunrise]

Thank you, sky. That dream occurred 7 months ago and now I do view it pretty much as you suggested. It was just so surprising/shocking to me to have that dream when I had only met my therapist once (and especially since I never experienced anything like that with a previous counselor so I didn't know it was "OK" have a dream like that). Thanks for your reassurance.

[DePressMe]

Most of my transference issues have been with my pdoc. Sometimes, they are just plain out sexual fantasies. Sometimes they are things like making coffee for him in the morning and giving him a peck on the cheek when I hand him his cup. I have talked with him about them on a couple different occasions. He handled it very professionally, so I know whatever I tell him is not going to harm our relationship. I know he will never cross the client/pdoc boundary. My T. and I talked about them. One thing she pointed out was that my fantasies are all things that I am missing in my current relationships—things I am not getting from my SO.

I have not been with my current T long enough to build up much in the way of transference issues…although, I expect it is something I will have to deal with in the future. She is nice, attractive, caring, professional…all the things I would look for in another person. I feel secure enough with my T that I don’t think talking about those feelings will bother me too much. Its just a natural part of therapy for me.

Having said all that…I’d still love to find out what my pdoc looks like naked!

hmm... i have fantasies sometimes... i remember that initially i didn't find him particularly good looking even though i found his body type attractive. he gets better looking every day though, i swear! lol.

i don't expect i'll tell him about this for a while...

i'm just starting to fess up to the little kid needy / dependent feelings...

i think i'll give it a while before i fess up about the others.

i think there is a progressive story to be told here... i have some conception of why it is that i have erotic transference to clinicians. i think i'd like to disclose my erotic feelings for him in the context of my understanding of the origins of those feelings. will make it a bit more manageable, i think. also... i am a bit wary of 'polluting' the little kid feelings with this.

[RACEKA]

I'm with you on this. I don't have any erotic feelings for my T either. I've also casted him in a father figure role. I told him that last week. I'm very attached to him. All I need is to sit in the room with him. We wouldn't need to talk. He makes me feel so safe and comfortable.

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alexandra_k said:
hmm... i have fantasies sometimes... i remember that initially i didn't find him particularly good looking even though i found his body type attractive. he gets better looking every day though, i swear! lol.

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Yes, this is exactly it! He gets better looking every time I see him. It's absolutely ridiculous, lol. Except I got mad when he ditched his glasses becuase I found them quite becoming on him.

Interesting how some of us have the erotic transference stuff, and others have the father figure thing going on.

In response to Sidony and Sunrise, unfortunately, knowing that someone is married has not stopped me before, lol. T does know that I have been with a married man before (when I was single, that is).

I definitely don't look towards T as a father figure. I just have this idealistic view (how unusual for me, lolol), of what it would be like to be with him everyday, to go to sleep next to him, to %#@&amp;#! him, to love him, and have him love me, to have him find me attractive, to have him want me. (Damn, I'm really going here, lol).

Here's something embarrassing (as if I haven't made enough of a fool of myself already):

I look at his wedding ring, and I %#@&amp;#! hate that he is married. I hate his wife. I have made up this fantasy that she is an evil, ugly woman and that he really hates her, too. That he only wears the ring because they are married, but he's really in the process of trying to rid himself of her.

Other times I pretend he wears the ring to make his patients think he's married, but he's really not.

How could I ever tell him such things?

T: Hi So what's been going on this week?
Me: Hi. Not much. Just that sometimes I want to rip your wedding ring off and %#@&amp;#! you. Oh, and I hate your wife, too. I'll bet she's an evil old hag.

I don't think so!!

[sunrise]

pinksoil, I did agree with some of what you said, so maybe I am hopelessly ambivalent about whether I have erotic transference to my T. He has gotten better and better looking since I first met him. I mean, the first time I met him, he just did not register physically on me at all. But somehow, over time, he is quite attractive now. Yet, I don't really feel like I want him to be my sexual partner, and I don't see him as a father figure either. I think I see him as an equal, a companion, the ultimate friend. Is that really too far from the truth? Most of my dreams about him are about him as a companion, and we do stuff together. Maybe it's because I miss this type of relationship in my own marriage that I want to have it with T.

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I look at his wedding ring, and I %#@&#! hate that he is married. I hate his wife. I have made up this fantasy that she is an evil, ugly woman and that he really hates her, too. That he only wears the ring because they are married, but he's really in the process of trying to rid himself of her.

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You crack me up, pink! I envision my T's partner to be very attractive, to have a really warm smile, and to be a perfect match for him. I really value his happiness, so I like to think he is soooo happy in his relationship. He's told me as much on several occasions, and I like that. It warms me to have him share that with me. I just want the best for him. Does anyone else feel that way, or am I the odd one here?

[Lemon]

Sunrise - I think I feel that way about my T. It is a little different because she is a women, but I really want her to be as calm and happy in her "real" outside of therapy life as she seems when she's with me. I want what I see in therapy to be the real her, not an act.

I have to admit it bothered me a bit when Pink was able to "lol" at being with a married man. This is probably some kind of transference because I see that from the angle of what it would feel like to be the wife that was being cheated on. (Pink I'm not angry at you, it is the responsiblity of the married person to make the choice, just had to get it off my chest.)