I find this exceptionally hard. I have seen T for 16 months and I have found my lack of emotional attachment to him really useful, especially for disclosure etc. The simplicity of our relationship was very reassuring, especially after my distressing, emotionally complicated relationship with T1.
So imagine my discomfort over the last couple of months, as I have developed very warm feelings towards him, which have only grown in strength. (I am loath to use the 'L' word, but it keeps coming to my mind).
I tried to talk to T about this today and found it impossible. I couldn't name a feeling and when I alluded to what I was trying to talk about I started to experience bright washed out vision which is the beginning of dissociation for me, and I told T this and had to take a step back from the conversation. I can think about my feelings for him but trying to tell him causes panic.
The other weird thing is that the feelings are like a switch, so all of a sudden I feel nothing and it feels as though I was completely making those strong feelings up.
It feels like the scariest thing to talk about, even more difficult than childhood trauma etc. I don't know if it's because of a sense of shame about my feelings?

Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?

[itjustis]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I find this exceptionally hard. I have seen T for 16 months and I have found my lack of emotional attachment to him really useful, especially for disclosure etc. The simplicity of our relationship was very reassuring, especially after my distressing, emotionally complicated relationship with T1.

So imagine my discomfort over the last couple of months, as I have developed very warm feelings towards him, which have only grown in strength. (I am loath to use the 'L' word, but it keeps coming to my mind).

I tried to talk to T about this today and found it impossible. I couldn't name a feeling and when I alluded to what I was trying to talk about I started to experience bright washed out vision which is the beginning of dissociation for me, and I told T this and had to take a step back from the conversation. I can think about my feelings for him but trying to tell him causes panic.

The other weird thing is that the feelings are like a switch, so all of a sudden I feel nothing and it feels as though I was completely making those strong feelings up.

It feels like the scariest thing to talk about, even more difficult than childhood trauma etc. I don't know if it's because of a sense of shame about my feelings?


Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?

I'm having feelings for my t too. Both negative & positive! I plan on going into depth about this at my next session...similar to you, I feel 'wrong' in feeling these things and I'm dreading using the L word but it's something I need to do to progress I suppose.

[junkDNA]

Yes I find it extremely vulnerable to talk to my T abt my feelings abt him. I started by emailing him. One day I told him in a text that I love him like a parent. He was totally cool abt it. Him responding that way has made it easier for me. He has even told me he felt the same abt his long term therapist when he was in therapy.

Are you afraid of your Ts reaction? I noticed that I feared my therapist would think I am too attached. My feelings felt wrong to me. He told me they aren't at all. I think what happened with my former T also impacts why it's so hard for me to talk abt with my current T. Maybe this is true for you as well?

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

That's interesting that your feelings have slowly developed. I too had quite intense feelings for T1, and feel that it has been a lot easier not having those feelings with T2, though I kind of miss them too. I have been wondering if the feelings will ever come with T2. Is it that you fear rejection? I guess as babies we felt that intense feeling for our care giver and longed to be held, but weren't always, so perhaps we faced a lot of rejection?

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?

Yes, I did. My fear of discussing my feelings about and towards my t stemmed from my fear of rejection. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and sent my t an email and posed my thoughts in question form, like, "what if I love you?" T's email response was non-rejecting which made our first in person discussion hard (as opposed to super hard). It was also rewarding. And each conversation thereafter became easier and easier.

Find a way to bite the bullet. I know you have a great t so I'm sure whatever you tell him will be met with acceptance and gratitude.

[itjustis]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Yes, I did. My fear of discussing my feelings about and towards my t stemmed from my fear of rejection. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and sent my t an email and posed my thoughts in question form, like, "what if I love you?" T's email response was non-rejecting which made our first in person discussion hard (as opposed to super hard). It was also rewarding. And each conversation thereafter became easier and easier.


Find a way to bite the bullet. I know you have a great t so I'm sure whatever you tell him will be met with acceptance and gratitude.

"What if I love you" thank you so much for this...I will bring it up this way. I'll find it so much easier.

Thank you. Yes I think fear of rejection has a lot to do with it. I was imaging today that if I told him I had loving feelings towards him he would be disgusted or something, even though I know he would never, ever make me feel that way. I've also suddenly become worried about him suddenly disappearing out of my life. I used to be fine with the idea of him retiring or something but it's become a worry.
All I could say is I was scared of needing him, and he reminded me about saying I hadn't felt safe needing my Mum as a child.
I think I value his objectivity so much that I feel like I will ruin it if I can no longer be objective about him, if that makes sense?

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Yes, I did. My fear of discussing my feelings about and towards my t stemmed from my fear of rejection. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and sent my t an email and posed my thoughts in question form, like, "what if I love you?" T's email response was non-rejecting which made our first in person discussion hard (as opposed to super hard). It was also rewarding. And each conversation thereafter became easier and easier.

Find a way to bite the bullet. I know you have a great t so I'm sure whatever you tell him will be met with acceptance and gratitude.

Thanks. Email might be a way I can actually communicate the words because I am completely unable to say it I think. I wish I knew for certain that that's how I really feel. He's away next week (great timing!) so I've got time to think it over at least.

[awkwardlyyours]

Would it help if you typed / wrote stuff up to either give it to him to read or read it aloud yourself if you are unable to speak?

Only because if I were in your shoes, I'd have paroxysms of anxiety waiting for his email response + wondering if the response was his first reaction or more thought out? My anxiety would make me lean towards face-to-face conversations for these sorts of things but you may of course be built differently

[feralkittymom]

I found talking about the past was very difficult, but only threatening to me in terms of the overwhelming nature of the emotions and the feeling of losing the safety of distance from them. My fear was about the emotions breaking me, but I never felt doubt about my T's compassion for me. The emotions weren't about him, so he could be a support without threat. But talking about my feelings for him shifted all that emotional intensity to him. In my mind it gave him tremendous power in the immediate moment and that made me far more vulnerable, in a way replicating the scenario of abuse. The healing was in the emotional experiencing, repeatedly, of his compassion and holding of the boundaries that insured my safety--the very boundaries that were violated by abuse.

Talking about the abuse from an emotional distance could only take me so far; the emotional experience needed to be repaired by experiencing that core vulnerability in the moment, but resolved in a way that was transformative. It was the work that healed the core of my self.

But I couldn't have done that work until my dissociation was largely resolved. I think dissociation is a defense that is protective, and maybe indicates there's more processing of the past needed.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I find this exceptionally hard. I have seen T for 16 months and I have found my lack of emotional attachment to him really useful, especially for disclosure etc. The simplicity of our relationship was very reassuring, especially after my distressing, emotionally complicated relationship with T1.
So imagine my discomfort over the last couple of months, as I have developed very warm feelings towards him, which have only grown in strength. (I am loath to use the 'L' word, but it keeps coming to my mind).
I tried to talk to T about this today and found it impossible. I couldn't name a feeling and when I alluded to what I was trying to talk about I started to experience bright washed out vision which is the beginning of dissociation for me, and I told T this and had to take a step back from the conversation. I can think about my feelings for him but trying to tell him causes panic.
The other weird thing is that the feelings are like a switch, so all of a sudden I feel nothing and it feels as though I was completely making those strong feelings up.
It feels like the scariest thing to talk about, even more difficult than childhood trauma etc. I don't know if it's because of a sense of shame about my feelings?

Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?

That sounds incredibly painful Echos, to experience the hint of the "L" word and then to have it disappear. Its almost as if to acknowledge it would mean its real. Is pure love a feeling you have experienced before with others, how have you dealt with that? If you were able to tell them what was the difference in that experience and this experience with your t?
Maybe you have a fear of rejection or a sense that it isnt safe to tell him, are you telling him because you feel like you should or because you want to?
Sorry for all of the questions but I am curious about it.
I really heard the word shame in the last sentence and perhaps this is the reason that is preventing you from talking about it. Think about what is it that you would be most ashamed about, having feelings for a man who loves and accepts you unconditionally, a man who really tries to understand and support you. A man who asks for nothing in return (except payment of course ). No wonder we fall in love with our therapists. I think there is something wrong if we dont develop feelings and not with the client, I mean the therapists isnt doing what they should be doing.
I have felt crippling shame around my feelings for current t. I once approached the subject last year and her reaction was enough for those feelings to hide away and be shamed so much that they will never see the light of day again. T reacted from her own fears, she shamed me and never acknowledged her part in it. She blamed me projecting onto her my own hatred towards myself but it was her reaction not mine. It took a lot of courage for me to finally muster up enough courage to tell her and it was a good experience for me to have because I learned how not to react to a clients disclosure and how not to shame them. It was a very painful experience for me and I was so ashamed and felt so rejected. We managed to work past it as long as I never brought up my feelings towards her again, she never said that but I knew it wasnt safe for me to do so.
I really hope you can get to the root of this echos and I wonder if this stems from some sort of attachment pattern. I hate daddy, I love daddy!

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

But talking about my feelings for him shifted all that emotional intensity to him. In my mind it gave him tremendous power in the immediate moment and that made me far more vulnerable, in a way replicating the scenario of abuse. The healing was in the emotional experiencing, repeatedly, of his compassion and holding of the boundaries that insured my safety--the very boundaries that were violated by abuse.

Talking about the abuse from an emotional distance could only take me so far; the emotional experience needed to be repaired by experiencing that core vulnerability in the moment, but resolved in a way that was transformative. It was the work that healed the core of my self.

You have worded this so beautifully, feralkittymom, thank you.
It feels like a catch 22 because I need to process the past to get beyond the dissociation yet I need to feel that emotional closeness and trust to process the past...

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

. Is pure love a feeling you have experienced before with others, how have you dealt with that? If you were able to tell them what was the difference in that experience and this experience with your t?
Maybe you have a fear of rejection or a sense that it isnt safe to tell him, are you telling him because you feel like you should or because you want to?

Thank you mona, don't worry, questions are good I love my H and children dearly of course and these relationships have been remarkably untroubled by my attachment pattern but I do feel an emerging parental element to my relationship with T which is confusing for me because I don't really relate to the idea of feeling attached to my parents. Certainly not now, and with my mother not ever. So this seems to be stirring some inate feeling in me that I can't quite grasp because it was never accessed before.
I think you are right about attachment playing a strong part.

[feralkittymom]

I think you gain the emotional closeness, bit by bit, by processing the past. You build the bank of trust with each contact, each disclosure. You really haven't been with this T for that long. Can you let yourself observe the feeling without feeling pressure to articulate it? The fact that you experience it coming and disappearing suggests it's stirring some anxiety.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think you gain the emotional closeness, bit by bit, by processing the past. You build the bank of trust with each contact, each disclosure. You really haven't been with this T for that long. Can you let yourself observe the feeling without feeling pressure to articulate it? The fact that you experience it coming and disappearing suggests it's stirring some anxiety.

You raise a valid point. It could be this isn't the right time to delve into these feelings. T said to me that the resistance will be there for a reason and it's fine to return to it another time. I was putting myself under some pressure to disclose because I worried about it getting in the way somehow.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Yes, I did. My fear of discussing my feelings about and towards my t stemmed from my fear of rejection. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and sent my t an email and posed my thoughts in question form, like, "what if I love you?" T's email response was non-rejecting which made our first in person discussion hard (as opposed to super hard). It was also rewarding. And each conversation thereafter became easier and easier.

Find a way to bite the bullet. I know you have a great t so I'm sure whatever you tell him will be met with acceptance and gratitude.

You say that telling your T was rewarding. I'm curious as to whether or not it is helpful to tell a T when you have feelings of love for them. Do you think that talking about it helped you? Did you need to talk about it?

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thank you mona, don't worry, questions are good I love my H and children dearly of course and these relationships have been remarkably untroubled by my attachment pattern but I do feel an emerging parental element to my relationship with T which is confusing for me because I don't really relate to the idea of feeling attached to my parents. Certainly not now, and with my mother not ever. So this seems to be stirring some inate feeling in me that I can't quite grasp because it was never accessed before.

I think you are right about attachment playing a strong part.

And perhaps this is a new experience for you of a healthy paternal attachment and that in itself brings confusion!
The push pull feelings of insecure attachment are both painful and confusing and I am so glad that your relationship with this t is both secure and trusting to process these feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

And perhaps this is a new experience for you of a healthy paternal attachment and that in itself brings confusion!
The push pull feelings of insecure attachment are both painful and confusing and I am so glad that your relationship with this t is both secure and trusting to process these feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What you say here makes a lot of sense, Mona, and thank you - I'm glad to have the opportunity of a secure relationship too, even if I am resisting it on some level!

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

You say that telling your T was rewarding. I'm curious as to whether or not it is helpful to tell a T when you have feelings of love for them. Do you think that talking about it helped you? Did you need to talk about it?

For me, talking about it absolutely helped me and yes, I did need to talk about it. I have had what I'd label a severe attachment disorder -- the fearful, avoidant kind. I've avoided intimate, meaningful, adult relationships of every kind my entire life. It shocked the hell out of me to discover that I loved my t. I had no idea how to deal with that, it was making me even more crazy than I already was, and I definitely needed to talk to her about it. It wound up being rewarding because telling someone, "I love you" and talking about feelings that I have for them (and vice versa) has helped me grow immensely as a human being, has significantly decreased my attachment issues, and has helped open the doors to forming healthy, "normal," deeply meaningful relationships with other adults. It was all worth the risk. Turns out there is something to that "people need people" theory!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by itjustis

"What if I love you" thank you so much for this...I will bring it up this way. I'll find it so much easier.

I went with a variation on that to my marriage counselor (on the phone, so a bit less scary): "So if I love you, is that OK?" To which he said that was OK. Seems easier as a question than a statement.

I've also e-mailed him about feelings I've had about him, because it's easier than talking (plus if it's in session my H is there, so that's even more awkward). I always request responses for those e-mails.

Last week in an e-mail to him (mostly about some stuff with H that I wanted to talk about in session), I made a comment about how my H says that MC just learned certain calming techniques with his voice and body language (that I respond well to, which I think H is jealous of) in "therapy school," and in parentheses, I added, "including sounding like you care." I guess MC could tell that I was trying to ask about that without really asking. He responded by saying that the voice and body language stuff can be learned, "but the caring is real." And that just made me start crying, because it was like he knew what I needed to hear.

So I'd suggest e-mail. Or typing it out, then handing it to him, either at the beginning or the end of the session.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I find this exceptionally hard. I have seen T for 16 months and I have found my lack of emotional attachment to him really useful, especially for disclosure etc. The simplicity of our relationship was very reassuring, especially after my distressing, emotionally complicated relationship with T1.
So imagine my discomfort over the last couple of months, as I have developed very warm feelings towards him, which have only grown in strength. (I am loath to use the 'L' word, but it keeps coming to my mind).
I tried to talk to T about this today and found it impossible. I couldn't name a feeling and when I alluded to what I was trying to talk about I started to experience bright washed out vision which is the beginning of dissociation for me, and I told T this and had to take a step back from the conversation. I can think about my feelings for him but trying to tell him causes panic.
The other weird thing is that the feelings are like a switch, so all of a sudden I feel nothing and it feels as though I was completely making those strong feelings up.
It feels like the scariest thing to talk about, even more difficult than childhood trauma etc. I don't know if it's because of a sense of shame about my feelings?

Does anyone else have such trouble with these kinds of feelings? How do you get past it and discuss them?

I'm in the same boat myself...that's the hardest thing for me to discuss in therapy, which really shouldn't be such a big issue, I know. For me, yes, I think shamefulness plays a role, as does the fear of rejection.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm probably weird, considering how many times my uni therapist has told me she loves me, but I just cannot say it out loud to her. I've said it in emails. I can't speak the words. I also can't talk much about my feelings for her in general, as it terrifies me, despite how open she is about her feelings for me. I mean, I'm not even sure about some of it:

"I want to take care of you the way I take care of my own daughter."

"I just want you to be my girl."

Sometimes, though, she says some things that are truly hilarious, like a couple of weeks ago when she was ranting about how angry she feels regarding the way my parents treat me. She was like, "Do your parents know that your mentor thinks the sun shines out of your arse?!" (She is my "academic mentor", but basically she's a trained psychotherapist who helps me work on the issues I have that stop me from being able to do my assignments, which is why I refer to her as my uni therapist on here because for me that is more accurate in terms of what we do in our sessions.) She really can be quite fantastic.

Anyway, she loves to talk about her feelings. Absolutely loves it. She also loves physical affection. She always wants to hug me, or even hold me, to the point where she becomes so "desperate" to get close to me that she is leaning as far as she possibly can over the desk we have between us. I am not used to this sort of emotional display, so I tend to shut down (though I am getting better). I have let her hug me a few times, and each time I can tell that she doesn't really want to let go. She is so incredibly affectionate towards me, and yet I can't respond to it in the same manner? How can it be so scary to tell someone who has told me multiple times that she loves me that I love her too? Why does it feel so wrong?

For me, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I know it is a temporary relationship. I'm scared to let myself just love someone who is eventually going to leave me. And then I find myself thinking, "If she really loves me like she says she does, how can it be so easy for her to just walk away?"

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

It was all worth the risk. Turns out there is something to that "people need people" theory!

Hmmmm, my T is trying to get me to see that I need people too. This stuff actually came up this week, because I e-mailed my T after our session because I had coped poorly, and she suggested going to an AA meeting to help cope outside of therapy. I reacted badly, freaked out that she hated me e-mailing her, and was going to give me "the talk" next week about how i need to learn how to cope on my own, and stop effing bothering her!

She wrote back that she doesn't think neediness is disgusting and un-adult like (as i put it), just the opposite. That she needs people, and if she is a burden to them with her neediness, she will go blissfully unaware until told otherwise. She said "You need people too," and said how I am not a burden to her, and she loves her job.

Sigh. It made me cry! Nooooo....feeeellinnggsss...yuucckkk.

Echos: For me, e-mailing works because I KNEW i would never be able to say that all to her in person, and she seems ok with it.