Looking for a new PDOC/Therapist or both.... help

Well, I have been in the hospital and have now given up my pdoc of 15+ years just like that. Not easy. I think that I have borderline personality disorder and that is not easy for me to say. But I think I am seeing it. I am now feeling lost but have started some DBT training. Wish my brain was cooperating better. It is like going from one extreme to the other and changing the gears and getting it to take is difficult.

Well, now that I have THAT off my chest.......

Anyone have suggestions for therapist/pdoc shopping? I have gone to my EAP and have gone to the site of my ins company.

How do I interview and what questions do I ask?

How do I keep sane? I am heading back to work tomorrow and feeling a bit scared.

I would fall back and regroup? Make a list of what you want in a pdoc and/or therapist and that could indicate some questions you had? Maybe just go see someone to get their take on whether you have BPD or not. But I'd "rest" a bit too so the gear changing isn't so immediate/radical and you don't strip the gears :-) Think of some routines and habits you do/have been doing that help you currently and can get you back in balance a bit before forging ahead?

Thanks Perna.

My first pdoc mentioned BPD near the end of our time and gave me a book that freaked me out when I read it .. on BPD. Then my second pdoc (most recent) said that I had features but not BPD. A group leader suggested a book for me as a clinician that was about BPD and I wonder if there was something behind that.

Irregardless I am in a pickle. I am feeling unsupported and am dependent (embarrassing but I am sharing the truth) and need to become more independent but feel the need, as folks here say, to be held emotionally at this time. It is difficult.

Thanks for your input. I am rather vulnerable right now and reading all of this BPD stuff makes me feel like some hope has vanished and I am in for a life sentence or something.

If I can, sitting back might be good...you are right. Guess I am doing my homework at least for when I do this. Thanks again.

((((Secret)))) I am so happy to see you here. Oh I think Perna is right. Regrouping seems to be in order. Be gentle with thyself.

I will share what works for me. My Pdoc and therapist are two different people. They are also VERY different therapeutically. I see my Pdoc about once every 2 months, once a month if I need a med change or something. I see T as often as I can. LOL

They are both men. Pdoc is very staid, reserved, and polished kinda guy. He always has a jacket and tie on. He's a psyciatrist, with specialty in psychopharmacology. He has been excellent with meds for both me and my son who also sees him. I really like him a lot and feel supported by him.

T is different. He is much more laid back, but also an upright kinda guy. He feels more regular to me. His therapy is in the now, humanist leaning. His approach is psychodynamic and analytical. Does that make sense?

The combination of the two works for me.

I do not believe that there is any one size fits all, but that there is a T out there for everyone.

While you are taking a much needed rest for yourself you can begin to make lists of qualities that you feel are important in a T.

Please take care and again, welcome back. I missed you!

I hope the hospital was beneficial for you, Secret. It's good to see you back, but so sorry for all you are going through. You must be really stressed out with having to go back to work in the midst of all this.

<-- all of us at PC, hugging you.

As far as "interviewing" a pdoc or T-- well I have never done that... I just sort of go and see what happens.

It works pretty well. It only took me 8 years and 7 pdocs to find the right one. lol.... seriously though, I found my T through psychologytoday.com and the "find a therapist" feature they have on there. My specific therapist is not on there; rather I found the place where I go to therapy there and just happened to get lucky and end up with my T. The reason I like the Psychology Today thing is because of the biographies and the fact that you can find someone with a specific orientation-- and payment type, if you need... so that's how I came upon the place I go to therapy... I was looking for psychoanalytical and sliding fee scales... but as far as ending up with my actual T, that was just luck... I called the place and said, "Just gimme someone male." lol

I have spent many years under the BPD label. Lots of BPD books suck. Remember, whether or not you have label of BPD, you are still dealing with a certain set of symptoms and coping mechanisms that you were dealing with before you even thought of being labeled BPD-- so just because someone decides to call it something doesn't make your situation any less hopeful.

Pinksoil, I found my T on psychologytoday.com too! I wanted one close to my work, but most importantly I wanted to see what they looked like first! I liked that I could find one that "looked nice and understanding". I've been seeing her for a month and so far so good, I can't even imagine looking for 8 years for the right match. But I don't think I will ever tell T I found her based on a photo lineup.

I bet your T would be pleased survivin' as that is why she put herself on the list there.

Good point ... It just feels superficial, and I'm sure she would try to analyze why I picked her, and I dont feel like doing that

Good luck with your search.

I found my women's therapy group leader through the Psychology Today website.

How do you think the two are different therapeutically thing does for you. Somehow they work....the different thing ...is that good or bad or indifferent?

Thanks Sister.

Hey Pink.... I love these hug things you have going on here. Saw an individual one you did earlier. Very cute.

Thanks for your response.

The hospital facilitated the break up with my pdoc so I am not sure. I was antsy the whole time and still am a bit now. Not a fond experience but I suppose the thing to do. The family has
all bought the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I am kinda bumping in to walls here.

Please know that this hospital faciliatated this (though probably it was time this was not how I envisioned this) and I am doing a partial DPT program but that somewhere after this huge bomb drop I was told I can not talk to the person that facilitated this because she is inpatient. I understand this... but I do feel that I am flailing and that I was just dropped in to thin air whilst still being vulnerable. Feel free to share this with YOUR facility. I do not think I was asking much of her except to help build a bridge. The DBT is nice but is a totally different language for me.

Pink, I am not even sure how to work this through.

I am worried about work and being able to handle it right now and worried about my mortgage, etc...

I did take a look at the Psychology Today site and thank you for that. It is interesting and there are new names i have not heard of.

After 20 years of therapy I wonder if I can find someone good to take me. I am working to do this alone but would like others to help me but I think that they are now in the tough love phase. I do not blame them (family) but it is difficult and I do feel somewhat abandoned but there ya go.... the pdoc at the hosp said that would be coming out big time.

I suppose I thought that I would fix myself or my T would and now I am finding that ....this may be it. Oi vey. Thanks for your thoughts. I just feel less hopeful but if I worked my DBT I would work that out.

Do you have any thoughts about unconscious alliance. My pdoc said that consciously we were allied but not unconsciously. I am afraid that maybe I am not able to do this unconscious stuff if I have not after all of these years. That would be devastating.

Secret,

The fact that therapeutically, T and Pdoc differ doesn't matter. I don't compare them, just feel cared for in different ways. I guess it's like Mom and Dad--LOL. T is definitely Mom and Pdoc is the distant Dad.

Haha--I never analyzed that before.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that remark about unconscious alliance but I'm sure Pink can explalin it much better than me. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. But in my extremely limited experience, when T says something that stings, it does not always mean that I am doing something WRONG. It just means that his perception of a given situation is just so at that moment.

It's like I tell my students about tests, when they are freaking out either before a test or after they bombed a test. The test is merely an assessment of what you are able to retrieve (in the form the teacher requires) at that moment you put pencil to paper. It's not an assessment of how good or bad you are as a person, and it's not even really an assessment of what you know about a given topic.

What we can do is practice retrieving the information they need to perform reasonably well on the test, (in the format the teacher is likely to have on the test) to reduce anxiety.

So, maybe in one moment he wanted to communicate with you in one way and you were in another place at that time. So what?

((((Secret))))



PS Oh and my T is also in Psychology Today listings but I didn't pick him from there. I do like the idea of looking at his picture on line thought.

Thanks...

He was speaking globally and I somewhat trusted him..... hit in the gut.

You are a good teacher...I just know it Sis.

Glad to see you back, SecretGarden. Good luck on your search. You deserve a great doc. Could the hospital suggest some T's to you?

I'll bet your first day back to work is a welcoming experience, as I'm sure they have missed you!

SG, what a milestone event--leaving your pdoc. I hope you are doing OK with that. That is a big step. Is there a therapist you see who is associated with your DBT?

I got my first counselor through my EAP. I told them the general problem (relationship issues) and they gave me a few names, but nothing about the approach or philosophy of the therapists. I wouldn't do this again unless I could get more info.

SG, I hope you will not focus too much on a diagnosis of BPD. It doesn't really mean anything, just serves to put you in a box. You are a unique individual with a unique set of problems, and a unique set of approaches and techniques will help you. Just because someone labeled you BPD, it doesn't mean you are somehow different today than you were yesterday. You say that reading the BPD stuff makes you feel like hope has vanished. Don't read that stuff!!! You are you and you need support right now, that's enough to know.

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The hospital facilitated the break up with my pdoc

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Did they feel he was harmful to your health? Did you ask for their help with this? (only what you want to share....)

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My pdoc said that consciously we were allied but not unconsciously. I am afraid that maybe I am not able to do this unconscious stuff if I have not after all of these years.

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A quick way to check is to look at your dreams. That is a good window into my unconscious for me. My dreams that contain my T show a strong alliance. It's always really connected in my dreams (except for the time he ran into me with a bus ). I shared a recent dream with him last week, and he said "it sounds as if you feel deeply partnered to me." That is such a therapist thing to say, lol, but yep, if the shoe fits, then wear it. SG, maybe it is not that you can't do the unconscious stuff (we all have an unconscious!), but that you just weren't allied unconsciously with your T. A problem with the match, not with you.

I would look strongly at therapeutic approach when you choose the new T. Sometimes here on PC people talk as if there is only CBT vs. Psychodynamic. But there is so much more. My T is humanistic and eclectic. Really a family systems guy. And some gestalt. Dreams. Self-disclosure. And EMDR. He has a big toolbox, but I think the most important part for me is the humanistic. His ability to be so empathetic. What is most important to you? What works best for you?

Good luck.

When you enter the Psychotherapy Forum, at the top there's an informational post w/subject 'Welcome to the Psychotherapy Forum', from DocJohn. Within the post is a link 'How To Choose A Therapist'. Perhaps that will be helpful.

I know I felt overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of weeding through therapists to find the right one, and put it off way too long because of these feelings. I hope you are able to find people you click with right away.

Mary

Good to see you too Echoes. I got some names from my ex-pdoc and also checked them with my EAP. I thought of you as you went through the hunt not so long ago. This is scarey.

I think that I am not used to making these kind of decisions as my mom chose my first and he passed me to this one when he retired or he had been my med man and I thought he was o.k.....and smart.

The hospital has not been of assistance in this regard. I gave the list verbally to my inpt counselor (who used to counsel here in this town) and she said that she would check with my pdoc there and then I got the message I was not to talk to her anymore.

So there...

Anyhow I suppose I am narrowing things down a bit. If I felt more stable I would wish to wait a while. I hope this week goes alright.

I did go in to work to talk to my boss Friday and I was welcomed with open arms. My office moved (again) in my absence and one person made my office gorgeous and homey. Seemed like a labor of thoughtfulness to me.

Oh that is a labor of thoughtfulness and love. That is so wonderful someone cares so much for you that they would do that for you. Really nice!

The hospital is being less than helpful! That's awful that they told you that!

Moving from your T you have seen for so long to a new T must be so hard and you're in my thoughts about that. Yes it is scary. ((( SecretGarden )))

As you spoke of my search, I will say that I contacted a local teaching institute in my area and asked if there was someone in my community available and was referred to my present T.

You have a lot going on with just day-to-day life as well as going back to work and choosing a new pdoc/T; it is a lot at once and I have faith that you can do it.

I see you have also posted about male vs female pdoc/T. I think your thoughts about that are interesting. And as the replies show, we choose for a variety of reasons. Maybe you could 'interview' several of each and see what feels good to you?

Thanks AnimalLover.. That indeed will be helpful. I will check it out and thanks for having a good eye for observing that.

(((secret))) I am so happy to see you back here but not happy that you are hurting at the moment.

My mother has BPD and after reading BPD demystified I'm wondering why my T hasn't mentioned it to me quite frankly...I'll bet he's afraid I'll smack him

I have a T and a p-doc, try and keep those separate if you can. One for the meds and one for the therapy that is just a suggestion.

As for finding a therapist, I like what Sunny suggested about the Humanistic orientation. If for some reason, I parted with my T, I'd be looking for a T like hers...I need empathy, disclosure, family systems etc...I just can't see myself leaving my T at this point but he is moving one day so who knows.

Take care of yourself, and welcome back...

Thanks Alameda. :-)