In Session Today : Part III

I opened the door to R this morning, and the first words out of my mouth were ‘Boy am I glad to see you!’ She came in and sat down. ‘I’m sensing that you’re not OK.’
‘Last Friday nearly killed me. I went to my pottery class, and a conversation ensued that included every single one of my triggers.’ I was shaking by that point.
‘Can you explain to me what triggered you?’
‘My pottery tutor was talking to another student, telling her that she’d been to the doctor’s…and you know me, the conversation stops there.’
‘She continued, saying that she had had blood tests, and they’d called her back in to have more due to high potassium. She said that she’d Googled high potassium, and ‘amongst other things that would point to end-stage renal failure, which I don’t have.’ I bristled at this, because ‘end-stage renal failure’ was information that pertained to both Chris and Kim…but it was the first piece of information I should not have known with regard to Chris, passed to me by Jonathan.’
‘She then asked the other student ‘How’s your friend?’…and it’s time for the piece of paper.’
R read what I’d written, and I don’t know what point she’d got to when I heard her say ‘Oh, Lost…’
‘After the surgery discussion, I started to feel like I had to get out of there. So I left, and as soon as I did, I started feeling funny physically…if you’re feeling funny physically, it’s better to be with other people…but not so good if you can’t explain what’s going on.’
‘And you couldn’t explain what was going on?’
‘No, I had a conversation with a support worker yesterday who gave me the term ‘anxiety attack’…I didn’t know.’
‘You didn’t know ‘anxiety attack’?’
‘No, I have spent the last week trying to piece together what happened.’
‘Putting it together…not at the time, because I couldn’t piece anything together then, it was weird watching that pattern of information that I didn’t want to receive playing out again.’ ‘Every time something happened, I was waiting for the next thing, always waiting…’
‘Sounds like you were always waiting for something negative…’
Other highlights included a discussion of how I manage during the day, vs. at night. 'I actively listen to music.'
'When you say actively listen...do you mean playing?'
'No, playing is still a strange experience at the moment. I'm playing, but I don't know who's playing. I focus on one part...'
'And I get the sense it's not the same if you use headphones...'
'It isn't...'
'So you don't really get any respite from it at all.'
‘We’ve talked about this before, but back on the 3rd of April 2007, when I was informed that Chris was going to die, it was a calmer experience…something almost sacred.’
‘There was that sense of ‘It’ll be over by the morning’, which was comforting…but with this I didn’t get that. I was given everything after the fact, with no regard for how I would receive it…and I don’t mean via email.’
‘There was no regard for how it would affect you.’
‘And I never got a chance to prepare…so I never got a chance to have that ‘Phew! It’s over now. You’re safe.’’

‘I think most people realise that others can be affected by medical stuff… “You’re looking a bit green,” but I find it hard to explain what’s going on…and when my friend started the conversation:



I just responded ‘Just stop there.’’
We discussed possible ways of broaching the subject with my tutor tomorrow, and R assured me that she thinks it will come out, and come across well.
She said that as horrendous as that experience was, she thinks it has given me a push towards being more authentic with myself and others…she also said that she had a physical response to what I was telling her. She understands.

Next session is on the 7th of December.

It was 30 minutes of T's eye rolls, deep sighs, and misunderstandings, followed by an agreement (reached in exasperation) to stop talking about the clearly broken therapeutic relationship and move on to my "regular life" (little things like me getting engaged, moving to a new country, blending families, changing careers, returning to school...). Twenty minutes later, I knew I truly disliked who she was as a person and that she was a very poor fit for who I am now. Emailed her with a sincere thanks for the two years, congrats on going private, and goodbye. She didn't acknowledge.

I managed myself to ask him about his confusing messages. He said he doesn't love me all the time, but sometimes during a session he can feel it. I guess he didn't remember he actually said "I love you" haha.

He also clarified his words "I even think of you with some warmth sometimes". He didn't mean that he thinks I'm bad most of the time, but sometimes even thinks I'm "good". He meant that sometimes something reminds him of me, and so thinks of me.

I didn't say much today, but I was glad to see him. As usual.

He said he hopes I'll stay with him for a long time. "5 years... 10 years... 20 years? I don't have such an experience, but I'm ready"

I was veeeeryyyy glad to hear that he's not going to abandon me, but I feel guilty anyway lol. Because, you know, I don't deserve therapy and so on.

On Wed after a difficult session I sent him a long email about how I feel that the care between us is impacting on our relationship and becoming an obstacle to the work. I asked him if he realised that his difficulties talking about my first therapist were recurring and I said I found myself wondering whether he had addressed his feelings about that. I said that I also feel special to him and I feel we need to pay attention to that because I don't want to be hurt by shifting boundaries. Then I sent him another email obviously anxious trying to clarify everything.
Yesterday he responded:

Hi RS,

Thanks for these and your previous reflections.

Without going into a detailed response by email, I want to let you know that I am receiving what you are saying as positive and constructive and I look forward to talking about this next week.

Best wishes,
T

That was such a relief. SUCH a relief. I feel like a weight has lifted and maybe we can get back on track.

T2 today--rescheduled from Wed. because he'd hurt his back. Went in and sat down. I asked how his back was doing. He said it was much better, thanks. I shared some stories of me and H injuring ourselves (my back for me) on the many stairs in our house.

I said I'd survived Thanksgiving. He replied, "Was that a statement or a question? Because you're sitting here, so..." I said I knew that, and I guess I'd survived it. I said it had actually gone fairly well, just us and my parents. How it's just all the anxiety leading up to it that was hard.

He asked why it was so stressful, and I said how all holidays are, really. How there are these expectations. I was crying, and he asked why (in a caring, not judgmental way). And I said I worried about screwing it up. I mentioned how once when I was a kid on Mother's Day, I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go out for breakfast with my mom. And my dad basically said that I'd messed up Mother's Day. T2 said that was a very specific example. How he noticed I tended to have those. I said yes, that I remembered things that way, they stuck with me.

I brought up something that had happened shortly before the appointment. How H had come home from work and asked D if she wanted hamburgers. I asked when the hamburgers were from and H said maybe Monday. I checked online and said how they only keep 3-4 days. H said they were fine and "I'm not going to poison our daughter!" Which upset me. T2 asked how what H said felt. I said I felt he was being defensive and almost attacking me. And (crying again) that it made me feel the same as when my parents brushed aside my fears stemming from OCD--and on occasion even punished me for them. Talked about how maybe H felt I was judging him, how I wanted him to understand that it wasn't about him, it was more overwhelming thoughts in my head that I had to get out.

I made a comment about how I was probably just really annoying to H, saying things like that and other things. And wondered sometimes why he wanted to stay with me. But that I also realized some of that was projection, how he was annoying at times, too. And T2 was like, "Far be it from husbands to ever be annoying!" and laughed, and I laughed too, which calmed me a bit. I'd felt sort of panicky most of the session for some reason, though both the crying and laughing helped alleviate it.

Talked more about the OCD, fears of contamination/germs. He asked some things like how often I get sick in a year, how I feel immune system is compared to others. How maybe I take all these precautions, but still get sick periodically. And is getting sick so awful? I shared fears that people would be mad if I canceled on them when sick (stemming from my mom) or that if I got them sick. Mentioned seeing friends over the weekend, and I'd said I was getting over a cold, and one of them said they were, too. T2 said to think about that reaction--how often was that the reaction instead of someone being upset with me?

I said I often worried with things like holidays--what if I or D got sick, and then we couldn't go to, say, Thanksgiving? T2 asked so what if that happened--would my mom be mad vs. disappointed? How it would be OK. And he started saying that if my mom was mad at me for months because of it...I finished, "Well, that's on her, not me." He agreed.

He asked me how humans built up their immune systems, and I said, "Well, I guss by being exposed to germs..." And I shared how my daughter had licked a menu when she was really little, which of course made me freak out a bit, but she was fine. He also talked about how humans have one of the strongest digestive systems of all animals, how humans used to be scavengers and fight off the buzzards for food. And talked about how being sick is just something you deal with, how it's not that bad.

He said how I clearly tend to catastrophize. I said I know, how T1 had mentioned that. He said being aware of it helps. I said, "But how do I stop doing that?" I figured he'd say that was a topic for another session, since we only had 10 minutes left (and that was considering him going to an hour, as he generally does). Instead, he started trying to explain some strategies, like how some people will write about what they're feeling, the catastrophizing, then also more realistic thoughts about the fears.

He also said...I wish I could remember the exact term, but it was something like single-event generalization. Where I took one thing that happened (ruined Mother's Day by being sick) and generalized that to other events. And how that's not an accurate way of looking at things. How I need to consider all the other holidays--so maybe that's 1 out of 14 I'm thinking of, so that would be a more accurate statistic. I said that made sense.

Then he stood up, I thought to go to his computer for me to pay (and then maybe he'd schedule me after), but instead he went over to his bookcase, bent down, and grabbed a book. He sat back down and opened to a page with a chart that illustrated what he'd been talking about, then pointed out the different stages in there. It felt both awkward and nice that he was showing the stuff to me. He said that was an old book, and there were other methods, then gave me the name of another book he particularly liked (Feeling Good by David Burns). He looked it up on his phone, commenting how his new contacts were making it hard to read, then showed me the picture on Amazon (it was a whopping $5, so I went ahead and ordered it when I got home).

Talked another minute or two about that, then scheduled for next week. While I was paying him, I told him the awful analogy MC had made regarding H initiating intimacy and my rejecting. Before sharing it, I said how MC (who he used to work with) had said that he should probably go turn his license in right then that it was so bad. T2 said that MC was very self-deprecating, which made him endearing. I said, yes, that's part of what endeared him to me early on. Then I shared how he'd compared asking his son to get subs to that, and T2 seemed amused.

He said how it's still Thanksgiving weekend, and I was like, "Yeah...I know." He held out his hand, we shook hands (warm but just slightly sweaty), and he said, "Enjoy." I said, "Uh, you too." (he's really random with his parting words at times) and headed out.

Extra session with T today because my uncle died last night and I was upset about a fight with H (he apparently works a few Sundays a month during the school year since he works a lot with teens). Went back and sat down. I thanked him for seeing me. He said he was sorry about my uncle and confirmed that he wasn't someone I was that close to. I explained the relationship, saying that my uncle wasn't someone I was that close to, that he was an alcoholic, and I was more upset for my aunt and cousin.

He said that I'd mentioned in my text that I'd had a fight with H just before I learned about my uncle. I said yes, partly about money, how I'd been crying about that when my mom called with the news. Said how credit card statements had come, how H had said they seemed high. Which made me feel bad, especially because I've been trying to cut back on spending. T asked if I felt H was being critical of me. I said yes, but that H said he was just commenting on the amount, not being critical. I said how it often felt that way with money stuff.

I said how H said he was getting "go away" vibes from me and he asked if I wanted him to go upstairs. At first I said no, but then changed my mind. H seemed upset with me. T asked if I could see where H would be upset about that. I said yes, but that he also did ask me. So he went upstairs to his office, and I was downstairs, looking over the credit card bills, breaking down the spending (like $200 on groceries, etc.) and crying.

I said H had just gotten an Amazon Echo Dot for his birthday and was upstairs having fun playing with that while I was downstairs crying. T asked if I'd seen the Saturday Night Live commercial for the Amazon Echo, and I said no. He said it's one of the funniest commercials they'd done, and I had to watch it. That I could probably use a laugh today. I said yes.

Went back to talking about H. I said it was hard for me because I was downstairs feeling bad about what had happened, and he was upstairs laughing and playing around. T asked if it was often that way. He said people can react that way for a couple reasons. It could be that they just realize whatever happened was no big deal and they just let it go. Or it could be that they're so used to the pattern, like of me getting upset, and just sort of scab over, like they don't want to deal with it anymore.

I said I thought the latter was more the case with H. T said that probably isn't a good thing. I said I wondered if it was partly also that his mom has a lot of anxiety, too, plus depression, so he's gotten used to blocking that out, then does that with me, too. T was like, "Ah, that would be Imago. Are you familiar with that?" I said how ex-T had mentioned it before. He said it was where you chose a partner who had similar traits to someone you're trying to work something out with, like trying a do-over. I said, "Hm...so maybe I also chose someone who's more emotionally reserved, like my dad?" He said, "Exactly."

Shifted to levels of disagreement, like fighting vs. annoying someone. T said people annoy each other all the time and it's no big deal. How he had just interrupted me, and I might be annoyed about that but it wouldn't last. I said actually I might hold a grudge...for about 5 minutes. He laughed and said he could handle that.

Talked some more about stuff with H. I said how money stuff is particularly difficult for me because he's said before that he's the one who pays the bills (he makes more than me) and has also mentioned that he takes care of D more. Which makes me feel inferior. T asked if I'd told him that I felt that way, and I said yes, but that part of me also worried it was true.

He said there are multiple ways to look at what people contribute to a relationship--that he was only going to share two because that's all he could remember at one time. The first is by the actual output, like if there's 8 dishes to wash and one person did 6, the other 2, then the first person contributed more. But that's not a very fair way to look at it because it doesn't take effort into account. I said I thought that's how H saw it.

He said the other way is to consider effort. That his wife has ADHD, and it would take her much more effort to clean the house than him. Like if there was a pile of papers to go through, for T, it would be nothing, not stressful, he could have it done in a matter of minutes. But for his wife, she'd be stressed about it, looking carefully at each item, saying, "Here's a Kohl's coupon--should I keep this? Am I going to Kohl's next week?" While T would think, "Well, another coupon will just come next week, or we can always get one online," so he'd just throw it in the trash. He said it would take his wife longer to get through the pile, but he'd realize that she'd put in much more effort. So he would consider that, not just the end result. (It threw me that he shared that, because he hasn't done much self-disclosure before.)

I said that made sense, how some things can be more difficult for me to accomplish because of anxiety, depression, etc. That those can drain a lot of energy (as ex-T has mentioned), so I can't get as much done, but I am putting in lots of effort. Also that I'm kind of like his wife going through papers (I didn't mention that H is the one with ADHD, not me! Though I do suspect I have it on some level...) But I think H just sees the end result without thinking of the effort. So it helps to think of it that way.

T made another comparison, how if he was running 5 miles against an Olympic runner, who would be putting in more effort? I said him. He agreed, saying it would be much easier for the Olympian. That they both went the same distance, but it took one much more effort and time than the other. I said that analogy might work with H--that I'd bring it into marriage counseling tomorrow. That maybe he'd understand more that I really am trying.

We were out of time. I thanked him again for the extra half session. He asked if I still wanted to see him Wed., and I said yes, if that was OK. He said it was, just wanted to check the time. I said, "You're going to be sick of me!" He replied, "It's my job." Which...was that supposed to make me feel better???

I went over and paid him. He held out his hand--his hand is always very warm--and I shook it, and he said "Good luck out there." I said, "You too?" Then headed out.

More oddness from current T tonight --

She said "there's some excitement" about my next-door neighbor (who I've never seen) potentially going missing (the police asked me some questions).

I, on the other hand, am petrified wondering what might've happened and could do very well without such excitement.

Oh, current T.

She also seemed oddly pleased that she'd seen me (at the previous session) on my (lunar) birthday (came up in the context of more messed-up stuff coming my way from the motherland because of the date) -- I think my expression showed how weird I found her response and so, she said "Oh yeah but that doesn't mean anything". Yes, thank you?

My T used to say that too... It told him I was hurted, and now he can say something like "Well, it's my job, but it's still my choice to work or not to work with a client. If I didn't want to see you, I wouldn't"

Wait, your next-door neighbor disappeared? And that was current t’s reaction?

If it’s a woman, current t probably assumes she suddenly went off on an unexpected and unladylike trip and therefore should be judged.

A cautionary tale for uppity solo traveling women everywhere.

Yep, it’s my next door neighbor and it’s a woman — I haven’t revealed to current T the potential existence of a boyfriend though (suggested by the police when I mentioned seeing a dude taking out the garbage from neighbor’s place a while ago).

Maybe if I did, current T would have a more appropriate response since neighbor could then be considered properly respectable again?

Depends...what’s current t’s position on living in sin?

Anyway, I hope all turns out okay.

Oh, boy....what are we going to do about Blondie?

Sorry for overstepping, but I can't not comment on something like this. I wouldn't be able to sleep with a disappearance like that next to me. Is this the neighbor with the barking dogs?

rr, yep, I’m totally freaked out as well.

No, this is my neighbor on the other side (dog owner is absolutely fine) — I don’t think I even know what she looks like (turns out I was wrong about what car she drives, per the police).

Really awkward session today. While seeing my emdr t, I ran into my regular t at the office, and then could hear him having a session with another client while I had emdr in the next room lol

Met with T. Had been napping before I went so there were pillow lines on my face! I sat my keys on the group room table and stood in the waiting room. t came out and said why are your keys in there but you're in here? I said because we are going to walk

We went for a walk on our usual route. t asked about the voices and my meds. I told t how I had gone crazy on my only friend because of things the voices were telling me about him. And I told my friend to not talk to me anymore. So I felt really bad about that.

Told T about how I talked with my boss about some of my concerns at work. T was proud of me. He said I wouldn't have done that years ago. He said I would probably just have not gone back to work. Which is true.

Also talked about my substance abuse iop group. T said I'm making lots of progress.

I told T about a couple games I downloaded and how they're helping me distract and pass the time. I told T about the sims and how you can trap people in rooms and they die. He said sounds like ur a seriel killer!!!

I taught t about prison gangs and shot callers and shanks. He asked if I was gonna get someone to Shiv him. I said no hehe.

I showed t my mind map I made on my phone. T was excited. He said it was fascinating. We talked about the parts and how they interact

Got a hug at the end. T patted my back and said he hopes the voices ease up soon and he's glad I have a Dr appointment

I see him next wednesday

Warning: Long. The probably more important part happened near end of session, so feel free to skip to IMPORTANT PART

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. His first question (after how are you) was how my session had gone with MC Monday. I said it was kind of difficult. Like it was a productive session, and I felt OK right after, then got anxious and upset later about some of the stuff that came out in there. Like how there is some element of H having sort of "compassion fatigue" about my anxiety/depression. (T made lots of empathic "Mmm" sounds during my explaining all that--it's one of his things.) I also said how H was describing me, with frequent panic attacks, as how I was 6 years ago. And I'd said in the MC session that it felt like he didn't appreciate any of the progress I've made, how he just sees me in a certain role and that's frustrating.

T shared some thoughts on how H might be feeling regarding my anxiety and why he might not be registering the progress I've made. He was talking about it from a more theoretical standpoint. From the sense of, if someone keeps getting an alert about something, and it keeps turning out OK, they become less attuned to the alert and get less careful and pay less attention to it over time. I said like driving? He said yes, or, say, brain surgery, if it goes well 100 times, might be tempting to relax more the 101st time. But that you couldn't do that because it was till just as risky. He was comparing that to how H might be feeling at my anxiety.

He...said it in a way that made more sense than that. But his point was, the alert might still be important, but H may just be kind of tuning it out. I asked if he meant like the boy who cried wolf. At first he said yes, but then said, actually, that was different, because that boy was just looking for attention when he was first crying wolf, and that's not the case with me. He said that was something I could talk about with H. I said it helped to think of it that way.

He said it also might help to find a way to document my progress. He suggested I get MC's help with that, since T has only been seeing me a few months and can't really attest to how I am now vs. a few years ago. I said I'd asked MC about it at one point, when ex-T seemed to think I hadn't made as much progress as she'd hoped. And MC had agreed with me that I'd made a lot of progress. So he'd likely be willing to back me up on that again.

T suggested a way to document the progress and was trying to remember some acronym. He was like, "I think it's FIT...frequency, time...something. Oh, intensity. So, frequency, intensity, and, uh..." I was like, "Time?" "Yes, time, that's it! Frequency, intensity, time. Wow, I really screwed that one up!" So he meant to think of past frequency, intensity, and time of past panic attacks compared to now and share that with H. I said that sounded good.

Later, I was talking about something (working from home maybe?) and then jumped to something else. And T said, "Your mind moves so fast!" I said, "Yeah, you've noted that before. Sometimes it's a good thing it does, but sometimes not."
Near the end of the session, I started talking about how I'd been frustrated with MC because it seemed again that he was thinking I should make all of the changes, in how I think, in how I act, rather than H making changes.

Then I said it also had felt like my transference for MC was fading lately. And it was weird and kind of sad and painful, almost like a loss. Which wasn't how I'd expected it to feel. T said it made sense that I was reacting that way, because it was a loss in a sense. T said he'd also noticed a change in that, how when I'd first started seeing him 3 months ago, I was almost frantic at the thought that I'd have to stop seeing MC at some point. And I hadn't seemed that way lately. I asked more about what the end of transference was supposed to be like, and he suggested I ask MC, because he was trained psychodynamically and learned more about transference (I think T was more generally trained in clinical psychology, rather than a specific method). I said I'd do that.

I said I wasn't sure why the transference was fading now, if it was my feeling that it was fading that led me to seek out T. Or if starting to see T was part of the reason the transference was fading. T asked why I thought that could be the case. I said MC had said it could be a different dynamic with him now that I'm seeing a male rather than female individual T. T seemed a bit puzzled by that and suggested I try journaling about it to figure it out.

IMPORTANT PART: There was about 2 minutes left when T casually asked me the question I'd been sort of dreading: "Are you wondering if you could be shifting that transference to me?" I was like, "Uh...maybe a little concerned that could happen?" (of course I was understating that fear...) "I mean I'm not feeling overly transference-y right now but it's something I've considered could happen. Like I've felt more connected to you lately and of course that scares me, but so does feeling connected to anyone." I also said he had better boundaries than MC, so I thought that was a good thing for me.

He said something about what healthy attachment can look like, and I said, "it's possible to have healthy attachment to a therapist, right?" And he said "of course." So that made me feel better. But then he was like, "we should continue this conversation next week." Me: "Um, yeah, OK."

Made appointment for next week--I said I wanted Tuesday or Thursday since I'd be out late Tuesday night at a concert. So we scheduled for Tuesday. I paid, he held out his hand to me, and I shook it, as he said, "Good luck out there! And have fun at the concert--wait, I'll see you before that." I said thanks and headed out.

Of course I was freaking out inwardly over his question about transference, and I wished it hadn't come up right at the end, when we couldn't discuss it more. I wish I'd just confirmed that if that did happen, it would be OK. And that we'd work through it. Then again, I guess that's what my question about healthy attachment to a therapist there was sort of about... Still, now I'll probably be stressing about it until next week. Especially since he admitted he's not that trained in transference. But then I'm trying to tell myself that he scheduled me for next week, he shook my hand like usual, he said we could continue the discussion then. And acted totally normally toward me. At least I only have until Tuesday...

(((LT))) Good news / bad news! I get the feeling that what you really mean by transference and attachment is, is this T (or MC) taking my side against H? If he is, then i feel attached / transference. If he takes H's side, then off with his head!

The good news is: I dont fault you for this at all - you will see in my previous posts that i have stated many times that my current t ALWAYS agrees with me; hence attachment, transference, gifts, hugs, overweening positivity that makes other people here wanna puke.

The bad news is: those wilty wily t's expect to use the transference as a weird psychological anvil to GET YOU TO CHANGE! BECAUSE YOU WANT TO PLEASE THEM!

I think they try to appeal to the 3 year old (or whatever ages) in us. Mine was grateful for the attention - there were a LOT of neglected needs just wandering around. Yesterday on my way to t's there were a couple of young women with a black and white dog and i go, "its the dog from Babe!" They laughed, but my voice sounded weird -childish ? - even to me.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

So, I actually don't think it's all about who sides with me against H. Because, first, if that was the case, I would have just stayed with ex-T and remained hopelessly devoted to her! If you're just talking male therapists here, T yesterday was actually trying to help me to understand what H's perspective might be. And last time I saw him, when I told him I'd basically told H to leave me alone, he was like, "You understand how that could hurt his feelings, right?" I don't feel he's taking sides. I mean, he's my individual T, so he's ultimately there to support me, but part of how he's doing that is to help me understand what's going on in the dynamic between me and H. And giving me other ways of thinking about it and dealing with it. Plus trying to help me with other issues I have.

He also seems more collaborative to me, like he wants to work *with* me to help me make changes and feel better about myself. While both ex-T and MC seemed/seem to be coming at me from more of an authority position, like maternal and paternal--"this is how I think you should be."

With MC, I don't know that the loss of transference is about him seeming more critical of or "blaming" me (and he explained it otherwise in our short call last night). I think maybe it's like I'm coming out of the fog of transference and seeing what's really going on there. I'm no longer looking at him as this idealized paternal figure who understands me better than anyone and who knows exactly what I need, so I have to listen to him. I can look at what he says and how he acts toward H and me more objectively. I'm more willing to challenge him (and have been!). It's like someone was talking about in another thread--I'm seeing the man behind the curtain.

I have wondered if before I was in more of a childlike state with MC, and now it's like I'm a teen and pulling away while still not ready to completely leave "the nest."

My T today wasn't great. I was pretty uncommunicative and T brought up the hospital again. That worried me, then I felt guilty for making her think I was that bad. I just couldn't speak. Then, at the end, it was revealed that I didn't remember saying something I'd said earlier. I was taken off guard and gave it away. I felt really exposed and ridiculous for my problem rearing its ugly head.

In my previous session, I left so confused and upset I couldn't even write about it.

Her response when I brought it up this week was to ask me if I thought that was coming from her. I said I thought we were talking past one another and she'd misunderstood me and I'd misunderstood her. Then I totally threw myself under the bus and said that I must have miscommunicated. Which is not true. I don't believe that. There was a serious miss on her part.

The rest of the session was about a pretty intense experience that I'd had processing some of the feelings about events in my marriage. It was hard to talk about. I was short of breath just trying to describe it. Now I'm a mess. Talking about it seems to have really stirred up a hornet's nest of...well, hornets, I guess. Emotional hornets?

Yeah... idk. Youre not seeing the forest for the trees. It feels like youre trying to fit each successive new person into the same mold. Thats the forest, the pattern. The next guy will force the previous guy to treat you better, as long as you dont get the next guy mad at you. Eventually we run out of guys! At least i did! I mean, that was one of my fantasies, the point of marrying my t was so he would come to sunday family dinner and make the family be nice to me. Or at least shut them up. Now those are some unique vows!

I wouldn't say I'm trying to fit them all in the same mold. For example, when T disclosed something about his wife a couple weeks ago, my first thought was "Oh no, don't become just like MC with all the self-disclosure." I know I need someone different, who practices differently. Do I want each T to care about me? Of course! But I don't want them to be exactly the same. I might have liked what I was getting from MC in terms of reassurance and stuff, but I also realize that what feels good isn't necessarily what's good for me in the long-term--like what will make me grow and stand on my own. And it also has diminishing returns--things he said to me in the past that really affected me start to feel like "same old, same old." Such that if new T said the same stuff to me, I also don't think it would have the same effect. I'm in a different place and thus need someone different.

It's taken me since Wednesday to process session and maybe put it into words. It was a really good session. I told T about a time probably last Spring when I had "that session" I call it. I was triggered because T was doing something on his phone and for some reason it hit me like a bullet, I didn't have a choice of how to react. It was a session that later I remembered oddly. The next week, T had to cancel because of dental issues. I told him that I get this is from my past, but I told him I was decimated. I don't think he remembered what I was talking about, which doesn't bother me because I know he has other clients and I wouldn't be able to keep people straight. But I told him that I had texted him and asked to email him (like have a session by email) and to have him respond. He sent an empathic response but didn't mention me emailing him so I took that as a no. I don't think he remembered doing this. I told him how hurt I was and that I didn't want to feel that way. I said this must be something from my past. I felt/feel horrible. It makes me hate myself. I got upset and told him that I felt like I treat him horribly, and I feel that way. I never try to, though. But I feel guilty about telling him how hurt/angry I was. He, as usual, was wonderful. He told me that he was glad I told him and that it meant I was trusting him (or something like this). He made me feel so calm when he said this. I told him that I miss being able to text him (he still lets me, but I for some reason won't let myself) because he made me feel so much better. I can't do that for myself. I am SO thankful for him.

Can I steal "emotional hornets" from you? That's a great way to put it.