[confused4ever]

Ok, so my T wants me to just let out what ever it is I am feeling in session. He wants to know how I feel during the week and to tell him what feelings and emotions I have had and have.

Ok, sounds simple except I never let them out! So I am not sure how I can do this, he says just to tell him and let it out, then we will discuss and process each one!

Does anybody do this in session, I have never been able to, I can tell him things, but when it comes to what I feel and how I feel about myself, I shut up. I have never done anything like this, I was never allowed to, and I really have no idea where to begin!

[meinct]

If you dont let your feelings out - then you are not getting anything out of therapy. Scream, yell, cry, punch - do what you feel. You go to therapy because you DO have feelings and if you were managing them on your own, you would not need a therapist. Not being mean - being honest. He can only help you with your feelings if you share them. Therapists can only work off what we give them -they do not have a looking glass to get into our heads - we have to share what we think and feel in order for them to help us. You may have to ease into it, but if you dont share your feelings, how can he help you with them?

[Perna]

My T told me one week as I was leaving the session to "think about" humiliation. As I was thinking that week, I got humiliated by a boss :-) and that led to a breakthrough about anger. So, I'm all excited and telling my T all about my week and we finish the session and as I'm leaving she says, "This week, why not think about 'disappointment'?" and I was startled and instantly asked, "Does this mean I'll spend the week being disappointed??!!" and we both laughed. Sure enough, my husband disappointed me a couple times and I learned what disappointment was to me and where I'd "learned" to expect certain things (that may/may not be true in a current situation so one sets one's self up for disappointment with out-of-date/wrong person expectations!). It was uncomfortable but awesome learning.

Pick a single emotion and "look" for it during the week and you'll have plenty of interesting things to tell your T and discuss.

[pegasus]

That's what therapy is all about, being aware and able to express the feelings.

I suggest that you try to pin point the main over-riding feeling that you have. For years I had nothing but anxiety and fear that would mask all other feelings. Then your T can work with you on where that feeling comes from and how it affects you now and what you can do about it.

I don't think that you will be able to just let out all your feelings in one go and I don't think your T will expect that either. You have already mentioned that you were never allowed to have feelings or to say how you feel so there is something to start with.

sometimes feelings are subtle. Just begin to think about .. what did i feel about that. Then say it. Don't worry about outward manifestiations in extremes.. If you never have showed emotion it likely wont start like that. It might be just a small watering of your eyes, or tension, or nervousness, its all telling you something. its your emotion inside. As you begin to open up.. so will your emotions. Believe me.. I think its starting to happen to me.

[confused4ever]

Ok, that makes sense, I guess I was picturing when he said it that I had to go into next session and just spill it out like I was vomiting it all up at once or something......I knew I wasnt' going to be able to go there like that. Picking one, and working on it makes more sense. Phew......

No I have never been able to say how I feel, I just bury it deeper, when I am angry, it makes for some interesting arguments in my head but that is about it.

I disclosed everything in therapy, all the sexual abuse, even the emotional abuse that happened growing up, when we started on the emotional abuse, I just said matter afact type things, like it was no big deal that I could never say or feel anything or express anything growing up. I still do it!! So the concept of actually feeling it and saying it out loud is scarey to say the least. My T asked told me last week, that if I am angry with him, he wants me to tell him....... I told him I couldn't do that....he asked why? Because I can't......he asked me if it is because I think he can't handle it?? Maybe......yes, no........because if I say what I think you will leave!!! He said that wasn't ever going to happen, and that he can handle it, and that we would discuss it, and figure out how to work through it!!! I have never done this before, I have never told or said to anyone that I am angry with them, I have had arguements, and it was like I was watching it and not in it, because I went out of control, that was years ago, and I swore I would never do that again......so I haven't.......when I am mad, I just walk away and keep walking until I calm down, and then I bury it and forget about it.........

Telling him what is going on and why I have these feelings is scarey, but one at a time, feels less intimidating........

I never thought in a million years I would ever, let any of this out!! Now that the top is off the bottle, it won't stay in!!

[Mouse_]

Good thread!

[Perna]

Yes, you have to learn to identify the feelings before you can spill them too well :-) Then you can more easily sort of figure out what you're feeling at the moment other than "terror" :-) when your T says something or asks a question, etc. You can associate and connect particular feelings to memories/triggers that come up while you're talking with T and that's how things get worked through.

My husband decided to go to the horse races rather than do the dishes like he "should" have so I could do some cooking and I was disappointed about that and told him :-) He explained that his back was in a lot of pain and bending over the sink and dishwasher made it worse and he was going horse racing in the hopes of distracting himself from the pain a bit and getting a break. I had to admit I "should" care :-) more about his health and happiness than I cared about his doing the dishes right then so I sent him off to horse race with my blessing :-) Talking about it with T we discovered I was doing a stepmother expectation thing where chores have to be done immediately and there's no way you can "choose" what to do when, have to follow her rules when there are actually no "rule at all and one should be free to look at a situation "fresh" and respond to it as needed. I was lock-stepped into doing things my stepmother's way or else! and she had been dead for 2-3 years -- classic transference.

But it was only by looking at "disappointment" that I could see what I believed/felt to be disappointing and how it fit into my life, etc. Here my husband wasn't doing things my way and I was disappointed only it turns out it wasn't my way (so I didn't have to be disappointed!). I was going to say I was trying to control my husband by expressing my disappointment to him (and sometimes I think I just get angry/turn away, etc. to show I'm "not happy" with his choices) but then I realized in this instance I wasn't, was just exploring "disappointment" like my T had asked me to and that I learned about myself and where I was coming from and was able to willingly choose his health and happiness over the dishes (sounds like a no-brainer but isn't unless you are aware of what you are feeling when you're feeling it and where it is coming from) was a really good lesson for me.

[sunrise]

confused, this sounds like a great direction in therapy. It is so hard to share feelings when we are not used to. Anger is the difficult one for me, but a few weeks ago I was able to get angry at T for the first time, and it was a good experience. Right now I am struggling a bit with how to share positive feelings with him (he has reassured me several times it is OK to smile when I am with him ), as we have focused up until now on feelings like sadness, fear, and hopelessness. Just start small, and share little things with associated feelings. Maybe starting with sharing positive feelings would be easier for you? Like "yesterday I felt happy because..."

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
when I am mad, I just walk away and keep walking until I calm down, and then I bury it and forget about it.........

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That sounds kind of like me. And it reminds me how yesterday, after my daughter's therapy session, she was telling me she was angry at her therapist. I asked if she had told her. No. And I told her it was OK if she was angry at her T, that they expect that. And she should feel free to tell her T this. She was very resistant. I told her I had been angry at my T before, and she was really curious about this. She said, so you got mad and threw his table across the room and then stomped out the door? I said no, I told him I was angry and why and we talked about it. She said, if you were mad, why didn't you just leave? Because that wouldn't have helped me work through the anger, and that is part of why I go to therapy. I could tell by her reaction that she had never thought of this before. She said you should just leave. I said I would never do that to my therapist, because he is like a good friend to me, and you don't walk out on good friends. She was kind of thoughtful, kind of rejecting of this information too. So I don't know if she is ready to share anger with her T, but I think it was a big step forward just that she could tell me that she is angry at her T. Anyway, confused4ever, I think having difficulty expressing anger at one's therapist is common. Just try some small steps at first.

Good luck!

[confused4ever]

Thanks Ladies,

It sounds like I have some thinking to do on the best approach, I do like the one emotion at a time, it is way less confusing. Anger is a huge issue with me, not letting it come out at all. I have found myself getting angry at him in session, but I just stuff it back down, occasionally he will get a NO out of me, one time I asked him if he was being sarcastic!!

I have the same issue Perna with dissappointment, and things not getting done that I ask......then I get upset and just do them myself. I never realized that it is a connection to growing up. My mom was the same way as your step mom was. Do it now.....and we always had alot to do.

[ECHOES]

Try to encourage yourself to acknowledge your feelings at the time they are happening. Before your session, tell yourself that for this session you are going to be non-judgemental about your own feelings and that means you can name them. For just this one session you will answer his question Yes. Let you and him bring you out a little so you can see that it's safe to do that there. Little risks based on your trusting him and learning to love you and everything that is you.

And I will try the same, as I do understand and struggle with it too.

[confused4ever]

Ok, so I have my appt in a few hours, my T emailed me last night and told me to give some thought to just saying what I feel. Don't rationalize it first, don't think that what I say will make him want to stop seeing me as his client, don't think that what I say is going to sound awful that I think these or feel these thoughts, he wants me to just say it!! No boundaries on what I say in session!

So I am freaking, because if I say things and just say them, what will happen?? I always rationalize first, I am always afraid that what I feel and think isn't normal or right and that he will label me a freak or something.....

I wish I didn't have these issues!! I am angry with myself for knowing I need to get help but afraid of going there!!

[Perna]

You could have my problem; my T would have me free-associate like that and within 3 sentences we were lost, off in the weeds because my stream of consciousness is a mess :-) All the fear comes out so my associations go from "fear of saying the wrong thing" to ". . . and then the monster. . ." :-) and the other person is like, "What monster? Where'd the monster come from?" My good old imagination can keep me safe even if I have 100 psychologists after me, LOL.

[confused4ever]

So that didn't go well, not at all.....I sat there........everything running through my head.......I said a total of 6 things I think....and none of them relating to feelings.....ok one........told him I was afraid to do this.........he talked I listened.........what a waste of his time I am!!

[Perna]

You're not a waste of time! It's hard to talk. I spent several YEARS not talking and my T patiently waiting. I was thinking about that the other night as I was falling asleep. It is our "job" to talk and there really isn't a way for the T to help us like we wish they could. It reminded me of how you have to let babies cry and figure out how to soothe themselves to sleep at some point; with us we have to not talk and fumble with it, trying to figure out "how". It's not something someone can "show" one, it has to be figured out individually.

It's a "growing up"/development problem, something you have to learn; not a "flaw" in your character or anything. No one taught/helped us express our feelings as we were growing up. Treat it like a school, math problem and see if you can think of ways you'd like to approach learning how to solve it?

[confused4ever]

I just wish it was easier, I go in with everything I need or want to say, and then I get there and nothing.......nadda........it stays in my head........I toss it around and analize it, and make it feel smaller then it really is!!

I like the math thing, the problem solving, if I can figure out how to overcome this by figuring out the answer maybe that will help me.

[ECHOES]

It's hard. It's scary. It's new; whoever wanted to hear my every thought before? No one, not even me at times. But following our associations is what they do well. It isn't so much that we think about something or talk about it, but how things come up.. the string of thoughts we have, because they are connected but we aren't conciously aware of why, how. But T's have learned to listen in a special way to this and it how they understand us better.

As T tells me when I insist I'm "not doing this right" or "not doing well here"... You're right where you need to be and that's okay.

So you began. It was.. awkward? uncomfortable? scary? all those things that pop up, flash into your awareness, tell him as you feel them happen.

[chalmette70043]

hi confused.

i wanted to let you know the same thing is going on with me. I've never gone to a t in my life. I've always since a child kept things buried deep inside and its absolutely impossible to let those things out. My first appt with a t ever was three weeks ago. It wasnt that bad. She had me do a inventory test, thats what she called it. And asked me just some basic questions that were easy to answer.

The next week when i went to see her she asked how i was feeling, I told her . And things went to %#@&#! after that. I had to beg her not to do something and make a promise i knew i may not be able to keep. I had to lie. I was angry at her for that. She told me i had to talk, that i am there to share my feelings. I coldnt, my mind was blank and after what had happened i just wanted to leave. As i was walking out the door, she said she will not be talking next week, that i will and she will be listening. And when i left i spent the entire week having an absolutely horrible week. Driving myself and others crazy with all the worries in my head.

A friend helped me to sit down and think of some things to talk to her about. The first was how angry i got with her the prior week about the incident. Second is to tell her how impossible it is for me to tell her things ive kept bottled up since a child. And third was about my battle to put the bottle down.

This past tuesday I went to see her for the third time. I wasnt as nervous becuase i had this list with me and i knew my friends believed in me to do this. When i sat down, she asked how i was. I didnt answer that question, i just came out and said how angry i am at her for the prior week. And after saying that, she talked to me about it. I was so angry i was able to get it out. We spent the entire hour talking about those three things on my list. She told me to let my anger out. And as i did, i started to calm down and talk normal. When the hour was up, she said next week we will go further into what happened that day. I left feeling a strange feeling that day. It wasnt good nor bad, but it was different. And i kinda liked that feeling.

Let your t know how hard it is for you to talk. Just tell them that. I wish you the best and i hope it gets easier for you.

[confused4ever]

That makes sense, I think that I push my feelings aside and say they aren't that big of a deal. Your right nobody has ever wanted to hear what I have had to say before, not even me at times so why would they now!!! So I down play them, that they aren't that big of a deal it is all me, this really isn't anything, that kind of thinking.......

Just go in and let it come out, thats what he wants me to do, kind of like free association I guess........

[ECHOES]

yes, me too. and I have a lot of shame and feeling undeserving. I guess I should be saying that when it comes up too.

we're learning as we go, aren't we? it's the only way.

[confused4ever]

I feel like a small child re-learning everything......except I never learned it to begin with......that is the difference. I look at all I am going through now, and hope that I am not doing the same with my kids!! I don't ever want them to suffer any of what I have had to suffer!!

I emailed my T and told him some of the idea's on the board here, and that maybe we should work on finding a way for me to be able to get the feelings out. I would work on finding the answer.

[ECHOES]

hey cool that you can email him.

yes, I actually feel like a child there. I told her that. it happens a lot. I feel like I'm learning how to do this for the first time and it makes me feel like a child because of it, I suppose. She wants to be there for me? Then it's okay to need her? Okay, but the feeling of needing her ... oh I feel like a child and a very needy child; it feels like too much.

it sounds like you do well with knowing what you're feeling and that's great!

hey. i'm way scared of emotions too. i can chat a lot about reasons and stuff but when it comes to emotions i just crumble. can't find the balance (don't know what it is) between dissociating from emotions and spewing them out. not sure how i'm meant to feel them or express them and i feel like they have a life of their own sometimes if i start to feel them.

feelings are hard. really really really hard. i think they are hard for most people. feelings.. and interpersonal relationships.. the hardest things in the world. its scary sometimes talking and feeling feelings. but... sometimes its kinda exhilerating or comforting or releiving too.

hard. so hard.