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  #226  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 11:53 AM
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unaluna unaluna is offline
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(((Esme))) thats a pretty significant nothing to be apropos of! That is, it is a life question ive struggled with. Good points on both sides.
Thanks for this!
SalingerEsme

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  #227  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 03:36 PM
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SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
ES, when you posted about the affairs comment in another thread, I was baffled; however, if it was said on the heels of your comment about being betrayed by the distance of his felt-experience, do you think he might have been saying that you betray yourself when you don't embrace or feel your own experience and that that would lead you to not trust him or other people?
I just said that to you all, and not to him . I do think you ar right, that it is some sort of metaphor . We have metaphor contests.

The bottom line is the evolution of my ability to understand and then handle with acceptance that he views therapy as a straightforwardly doctor/patient set up, just dealing with feelings instead appenedicitis.

From my chair, confiding secrets never told before , I at least thought of it as very personal. He sees me as a patient and he expects me to see him as the doctor is the message I got- but not sure I believe. This is a little confusing, because we call each other by first names, are peers in age and education hobbies etc, and talk about private topics in very loving language.

I never though there was any romance: boundaries, my BF, his wife, the nature of my issue etc makes that unlikely to off the table.

Neither though did I really see it so delineated as a medical relationship without that bonding which happens between like grad students and professors, coaches and players, teachers and students etc.

My dear friend is also a clinical psychologist, and she doesn't even agree with the term "patient " whereas he won't use "client ".

It is of less value to me and I feel less motivated to keep attending sessions if there's no real authenticity of care/feelings. Without emotion on both sides, it seems like The Talented Mister Ripley got a Ph'D bc he acts so extremely caring and loving and attentive in session that is seems weird those are his views. Writing that, my trust, tenuous at the best of times, is shaken up by the session enough to lose interest in doing more of it .
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  #228  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
We had a conversation about psychodynamic object relations. How he'd hoped that our relationship could serve as a microcosm for the other relationships in my life. That it could serve as a series of corrective experiences for me, and that sometimes we'd have feelings about things, but that trust in the therapeutic relationship would hopefully be able to sustain those feelings.
He seems very ready to be your T and work with you. Robo T is in the room for both of you right now in different ways ,which. seems only natural.

Do you think therapy does offer a corrective relationship? I really like that you asked him how it could if he kept his stuff away, his side.
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Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck
  #229  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 04:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
I just said that to you all, and not to him . I do think you ar right, that it is some sort of metaphor . We have metaphor contests.

The bottom line is the evolution of my ability to understand and then handle with acceptance that he views therapy as a straightforwardly doctor/patient set up, just dealing with feelings instead appenedicitis.

From my chair, confiding secrets never told before , I at least thought of it as very personal. He sees me as a patient and he expects me to see him as the doctor is the message I got- but not sure I believe. This is a little confusing, because we call each other by first names, are peers in age and education hobbies etc, and talk about private topics in very loving language.

I never though there was any romance: boundaries, my BF, his wife, the nature of my issue etc makes that unlikely to off the table.

Neither though did I really see it so delineated as a medical relationship without that bonding which happens between like grad students and professors, coaches and players, teachers and students etc.

My dear friend is also a clinical psychologist, and she doesn't even agree with the term "patient " whereas he won't use "client ".

It is of less value to me and I feel less motivated to keep attending sessions if there's no real authenticity of care/feelings. Without emotion on both sides, it seems like The Talented Mister Ripley got a Ph'D bc he acts so extremely caring and loving and attentive in session that is seems weird those are his views. Writing that, my trust, tenuous at the best of times, is shaken up by the session enough to lose interest in doing more of it .
Ah. Thanks. I have a similar situation, but without my therapist explicitly stating it; however, there was one time she agreed that it's not personal for her. I guess it would be impossible for her to work if she considered her relationship to every client (or even some) as somewhat personal. It's hard to get beyond that reality and still bring it to session, but for right now I focus on bringing it for myself, even if it is a business exchange.
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  #230  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 07:36 PM
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SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
Ah. Thanks. I have a similar situation, but without my therapist explicitly stating it; however, there was one time she agreed that it's not personal for her. I guess it would be impossible for her to work if she considered her relationship to every client (or even some) as somewhat personal. It's hard to get beyond that reality and still bring it to session, but for right now I focus on bringing it for myself, even if it is a business exchange.
In prep school, we took all of our advisees seriously, and go to their wedding even twenty year later. My T works 4 day weeks, and sees 4 patients per day. That is sixteen people with whom to bond, as opposed to seveal hundred for a teacher in boarding school. I have 2xaweek stat make 15-propbably other do that.

I think 14 people under your wing in private practice is pretty light workload. They have time to invest in every client.at least in a posh private practice.
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  #231  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 07:58 PM
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I come from poor people, so the idea of anyone granting me attention or personal caring because it's done at a prep school is hard to conceive. Even though my therapist is not in a posh practice, I pay her full fee. It just doesn't register that I am owed anything. Mostly, though, I had only been trying to sympathize with you because it's hard for me to deal with this kind of non-personal relationship too. I can see that it's not helping you to share my thoughts, so I am sorry and will stop.
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  #232  
Old Mar 10, 2018, 08:07 PM
Anonymous57382
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Session Wed. T said he can't meet my unmeetable needs. Was very sad. Talked about my attachment. The pain. T said instead of looking at pics of him multiple times a day, just seeing how not doing that feels. Its okay
I miss him
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  #233  
Old Mar 11, 2018, 02:49 AM
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Feel like i should add that he was very tentative, very kind. But he told me the truth. He can't meet needs stemming from infancy. I have to mourn that they will never be met. It's an extremely painful truth.
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  #234  
Old Mar 11, 2018, 03:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
He seems very ready to be your T and work with you. Robo T is in the room for both of you right now in different ways ,which. seems only natural.

Do you think therapy does offer a corrective relationship? I really like that you asked him how it could if he kept his stuff away, his side.
Yeah, I feel badly that RoboT is such a heavy presence, but I think I've spent so long trying to not deal with it, and that wasn't serving me.

I hope that therapy can be corrective, but I'm not sure that it can be. In the past therapy has either been inert or harmful, so corrective would be a new experience. I asked the question because I was thinking about the effects of RoboT's disclosures. How painful it was for me to hear he was frustrated because I wasn't progressing in the way he thought I should. But I don't think either of us had an understanding of how deep my attachment issues go.
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  #235  
Old Mar 11, 2018, 04:52 AM
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Sheffield Sheffield is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
I come from poor people, so the idea of anyone granting me attention or personal caring because it's done at a prep school is hard to conceive. Even though my therapist is not in a posh practice, I pay her full fee. It just doesn't register that I am owed anything. Mostly, though, I had only been trying to sympathize with you because it's hard for me to deal with this kind of non-personal relationship too. I can see that it's not helping you to share my thoughts, so I am sorry and will stop.
Hi
Caveat here-my attachment to /expectations of / connected not connected etc to my therapist causes me huge emotional pain and much sleepless introspection

This is an interesting thread and I'm trying to "feel" the different viewpoints but like you I don't feel that any previous experience of attention being granted or when I've given attention makes it in any way an expectation-this therapeutic relationship question can't be answered other than it is what it is and that is extremely painful as it can't evolve in a societally normal type way-we get more and more invested and the therapists can't/don't or they wouldn't survive-that's not to say that some clients aren't a better fit for them personally -as a vet some animals distress impacts me deeply and I remember them literally forever but I have to turn myself around for the next one-eventually this will cause burnout however well you try to protect yourself so having these boundaries seems a living breathing compromise to survive as long as possible in any helping profession
We all get it wrong sometimes/try to tighten boundaries/act harder than we feel but doing pain and distress for a living is extremely tough however much you are paid
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  #236  
Old Mar 11, 2018, 06:37 AM
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SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
Ah. Thanks. I have a similar situation, but without my therapist explicitly stating it; however, there was one time she agreed that it's not personal for her. I guess it would be impossible for her to work if she considered her relationship to every client (or even some) as somewhat personal. It's hard to get beyond that reality and still bring it to session, but for right now I focus on bringing it for myself, even if it is a business exchange.
Thanks for this. It really IS all about "bringing it", and why. I have been bringing it, if not for him or a romanticized vision of him, for interpersonal reasons. Not for myelf .

Ruh Roh! I feel like I should pay my session fee to you instead of him this week!
This seems like the key idea. Thank you so much.
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  #237  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 07:59 AM
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LostOnTheTrail LostOnTheTrail is offline
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That was an intense session – both R and I agreed. She came in and sat down, and asked me how I am doing. This was followed by a pause.
‘It’s a big question when people ask how you are feeling. Take your time.’
‘We went to the garden centre for Mothers’ Day, and the seasonal displays hit me hard. I don’t mean Mothers’ Day.’
‘No.’
‘I had to move so that I could no longer see the Easter cards.’
‘Easter is a huge trigger. When you talk about that, I picture you holding it all together, not letting on. It sounds like an exhausting place to be.’
I made a comment that I can't quite remember about how I feel this has had a significant impact on my functioning, and there was an interesting conversation about the impact of this experience on my life. How I feel that I am fundamentally different than I was before it.
‘Absolutely – and this is avoidance.’
‘This is avoidance – what are you avoiding?’
‘You know what I am avoiding. I’m avoiding going to where we said we’d go last week.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to be the one to say it. You’re avoiding going to a difficult space.’
‘She called me into the bathroom, and…She called me into the bathroom, and….The one place I want to be at night is asleep, if that is a place. Any normal human being subjected to the kind of information I was given would have just told them to **** off.’
‘Do I hear a sense that you’re not normal?’
Cue more waffling on the theme of ‘Anyone else would have…’
‘I was not in a position to make that decision at the time.’
‘I hear some acceptance there, alongside the self-blame that comes up from time to time. I invite you to imagine someone else in the same situation you are in. It could be myself or anyone else you know – do you think they would deal with it in the same way?’
‘I did the best I could at the time.’
Silence, and then I reached for her hand.
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and then…She called me into the bathroom and then….As I am saying this, my entire body is bristling.’
‘I have to be honest with you, Lost. It’s really hard for me to get a sense of what you are feeling, even though we are physically connected., I still feel as though I am over here, and you are in a different space.’
‘It’s the moment before falling, between tripping and hitting the ground.’
‘As you said that, I am picturing you grabbing at things to stop yourself falling – I might be one of those things, or being more open with your pottery tutor….To reframe that, some people stumble and they are able to land it.’
‘I feel like I need to fall flat to be able to get up.’
‘I don’t experience you as somebody flat on the floor. I think the difference between this experience and Chris’ death is that you didn’t have to try to feel anything. Now you feel as though you should be crying, or feeling emotions that are difficult to access in this space.’
‘I think what we are dealing with here is a wound that didn’t heal properly. I spent three years in a state of ‘Will she, won’t she…’ I understand why people use euphemisms, but I don’t want to. ‘Will she die or won’t she?’ And by the time I received that message, there was nothing left to feel, and then the wound turned nasty again, and I don’t know…I do know what to do.’
‘Is bringing the stuff that comes up at night here your way of dealing with it on your own terms.’
‘Yes, because the stuff that comes up at night is hard…’ I burst out laughing. ‘Understatement of the century.’
‘I sometimes feel like you have a little critic on your shoulder – ‘Was that the right thing to say…I shouldn’t have said that like that…’
‘My inner critic has a more than full time job.’
‘Something else is coming up for me, you don’t have to answer it here, it’s just for you to think…’How long has it been since Lost put her head down and just went to sleep?’ It’s possible that we become used to things, and the nights are hard because you expect them to be hard. Have you tried just putting your head down and going to sleep?’
‘It’s been a couple of years. I could be more precise, but I won’t…before mid-April 2016, certainly.’
‘It’s been a couple of years.’
We wound down then, and R asked how I was feeling.
‘That was intense.’
‘I feel the same, but it wasn’t intense in the way I thought it was going to be. Not that I have any expectations.’
We set up for next Thursday.
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Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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  #238  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 11:55 AM
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SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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I am hurting so much over my session today, and nothing went wrong. There's so much communion and intensity inside the session, and then it is like 50 minutes,back out on the street, eyes adjusting to the light, and all that human connection - the effort it takes to offer it up- is for what? My own good? Lately I have been stuck, with my T being reductive, always, about what therapy is( a medical procedure) and yet giving more than that, it seem like. What are we doing, what does it mean if anything? Is it really like one runner against her own best time, only about me, and T is there only as a cure and not as a person? I am scared . I am half way through a forest( My T says in the thick of it) , and it is like my trusted guide might be the tin man or he might be so so careful bc he is wanting somethings be redeemed by being a trustworthy male. I wish I could read his mind, but of course mindreading even Woebot doesn't encourage.
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Last edited by SalingerEsme; Mar 13, 2018 at 03:21 PM.
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  #239  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 03:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruh roh View Post
Mostly, though, I had only been trying to sympathize with you because it's hard for me to deal with this kind of non-personal relationship too. I can see that it's not helping you to share my thoughts, so I am sorry and will stop.
I don't get what happened, but your thoughts did help. Sorry - no bad intention or intent to offend.
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  #240  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 04:22 PM
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Today’s session I was crying ( which is never good) I keep mentioning my current problems I was headaches due to migraines and she didn’t really listen writing notes on her tablet and then I mentioned I was still having issues with my medication and this is where the anger came in. I said I get dizzy all the time ( mentioned this several times) I get upset stomach and she said it isn’t that.. I tell her I am telling you the truth why don’t you ever listen to me? T finally says you know what I’m done let me tell you cymbalta tons of side effects. T didn’t even listen to me I asked for exeffor or celexa but instead she tunes me out and puts me on cymbalta.I get they are both C words but still really does she even listen to me? I mean ages and ages ago before she even put me on Paxil she suggested exeffor but naive me heard the negatives and since a friend was taking Paxil I went with it and I kick myself everyday because of it. I just want to cry because I feel invisible like she is sorta listening but not really.
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  #241  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 04:38 PM
Hireath Hireath is offline
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Today's session was heavy, but I came out of it feeling nice. I went in and started out talking about how crazy the past week and today have been... crazy is a nice change from how numb and depressed I was feeling a few weeks ago, so that's good, but there's been so much stress lately. I told her about how I found out I had asthma last week (after having an awful asthma attack), and how today I ran into a horrible ex-friend of mine, and other such shenanigans.

After that, we talked a little bit about handling conflict and power imbalances... I mentioned something about the power imbalance between my former abuser and me. She said that she didn't know much about that, since we've never really talked about my experiences with him... she said we could leave it if I wanted, or I could explain if I liked... I finally felt comfortable enough to open up about it. I went in slowly, kind of beating around the bush with some "backstory" of sorts, but all in all I told the story of two of the most traumatic years of my life in thirty minutes. The first time I ever told someone the entire story, I cried. Today, I felt so detached... T said that was normal, though. But she thanked me and validated me and told me that I was so resilient and brave. That getting through that took a lot of courage. It felt so good to hear that after years of being emotionally abused and emotionally neglected.

I thanked her in return and told her that my last therapist had not at all been as wonderful as her. When I told Ex-T (who also happened to be emotionally abusive, sadly) about my trauma and abuse about a year ago now, she told me that I needed to "stop acting like the victim". T was shocked. Her jaw literally dropped, and she went "Holy hell. That is the worst thing I've ever heard... the worst thing to say to someone after they told you that..." To see her react that way was so incredibly validating, and also eye opening. I had no idea how emotionally abusive and manipulative Ex-T was until very recently, and new T's reaction helped me to look at that a little more. T continues to remind me to take care of myself, and be mindful, and that I am resilient and brave. I'm thankful for those reminders. I'm thinking about asking her to write them down for me so I can paste them into my bullet journal and look at them when I have a bad day.
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  #242  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 05:13 PM
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LostOnTheTrail LostOnTheTrail is offline
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That sounds like a great session, Hireath! I've done the note from T in my bullet journal thing...there are days it really helps.
__________________
'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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  #243  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 05:23 PM
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Anastasia~ Anastasia~ is offline
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I had an extra session today and felt I needed it last week but not so much this week. However, I was compelled somewhat to go anyway. I told T that I felt guilty and he told me it was okay, and I believe him, but I think another part of him might think it isn't okay. (or maybe that's me?) (or both, or neither?)

I told T something that has been worrying me but that I can't do anything about anyway.

I am getting better at tolerating my affect without showing it as much and/or getting really upset about it regarding my horrific state I go into. I am so much better than years ago and I have a supportive T which makes all the difference. I actually like what I do, never thought I'd hear myself saying that.

I'm loving that the sun is out longer in the evening, it is making me feel so much better right now.

Last edited by Anastasia~; Mar 13, 2018 at 05:41 PM.
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  #244  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 08:35 PM
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Writeup of MC session Monday (to be followed by T session today in separate post).

Sat down, MC asked how we were. I told H to go. He filled him in on the diagnosis of his shoulder injury, talked about getting physical therapy, possibly ultimately surgery. Talked about how he probably couldn't do certain tasks around house, like gathering/taking out trash, for a while. I said how I could do them. MC said, "You'll get through it. I know it might be difficult, but you'll get through it." H and I kind of looked at each other like, "Yeah, we know!" Like we weren't looking for reassurance for that...just filling him in on what's going on.

I asked who his picks were for March Madness (college basketball playoff bracket), since his advice had helped me win 2 years ago. He said he hadn't picked yet. Had brief conversation about that.

Talked a bit about some stuff with D, but nothing too major. We were over halfway through session. MC said we could keep talking about D, or was there other stuff we wanted to talk about? I said I kind of wanted to talk about stuff, how I'd been angry with him last week. But I wasn't sure if it was worth talking about.

He said to go ahead. I explained the Imago exercise with T, where I answered questions, and he wrote responses on paper. And how seeing them written on paper had a strong emotional impact on me. But that I realized I only was talking about a couple of the words that affected me with him (T). How one of the words I wasn't talking about was "Loved," because of what had happened with MC in December. How it made me scared to use that word around T. How I was angry at MC for that, how it was messing with my relationship with T.

I said how a certain phrase had gone through my head related to MC, but I was reluctant to say it. H said go ahead with it. After a pause, I said it almost felt like MC had retraumatized me with the stuff in December. How maybe that seemed harsh, but that's what was in my head.

MC said he was sorry I felt like that. I said thanks. He said how in telling him this now, in this way, I was "responding," rather than "reacting," which is a sign of growth. I said, "OK, uh, thanks." And how my sharing the anger with him in this way was a sign of growth. I was like, "OK."

He asked if I wanted to talk about the content, since that was more about the process. I said I thought we were almost out of time. He said we had at least 5 minutes left (perfect for tackling a major issue!) I said I thought I wanted to talk about it but wasn't sure if there was a point. He asked if I felt it wasn't resolved. Or was it that it was resolved, but I was still angry, because that could be OK too. I said I had thought it was resolved, but then when I realized it was affecting another relationship (with T), it made me upset again. Which made me think it wasn't really resolved.

He asked H how he felt about it. H said, "You totally lost me." MC confirmed that H didn't have any comments, and H said he didn't.

I don't feel like much else of substance was said about that. Or maybe I blocked it out? I said I figured we had to determine the next session. H said 2 weeks, MC looked at schedule, said he had conflict, so we scheduled for the Wed. after that. Shook hands, I think he said usual "Good to see you." I didn't feel much of anything as I left and hadn't during the session. Like a little weepy at times, but...

Thinking I'm ready to terminate...maybe next session?
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  #245  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 09:19 PM
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DP_2017 DP_2017 is offline
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LT-- thats a big step for you to plan to terminate! All the best to you with it.
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  #246  
Old Mar 13, 2018, 09:37 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
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T today. We went back and sat down. I told T how someone was in my seat in the waiting room. He said, "How dare they! We might have to change your time if this keeps up." I said, "Or I could pick a different seat. Or, I guess, get here earlier." T looked at me and said, "I like your shirt. At first, it seemed like an office jacket, but actually it's just a button-down shirt." I said, "Uh, thanks. It's really a cardigan that looks like a button-down shirt."

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I guessed the stuff with the handwritten paper from last session (don't think I actually wrote that one up, though I wrote up the one where we did the exercise that led to the writing). He said how when he read my e-mail, he thought more about how he'd responded. That in emphasizing that he may have written it, but it was my words, he was trying to make sure I didn't think he was the one coming up with the words. How they were my words. I said I knew that, but he was also kind of translating what I was saying. He said he was condensing it down to fit the paper, but he was also confirming what he was writing with me before he wrote it. I agreed.

I said I thought how maybe part of it was that I'd shared all that stuff with him and he'd seemed really accepting of it. He asked if I thought maybe it was a transference sort of thing. I said maybe. But in a way, if it was that, I didn't want it diminished to just being that. Like I thought it was more than transference, the powerful effect it had on me.

I said how one thought I'd had was how his writing the words, in cursive, it reminded me of my high school journalism teacher signing my newspaper when I graduated. How both had included the word "special." So maybe that's what was affecting me. T said that made sense. I said how I also didn't tend to see much written in cursive anymore, so maybe that's part of why I made the connection. Also that they were both authority figures.

T said he didn't like using the term "authority figure." How he felt like therapy was more of a partnership. Gesturing with his hands, he said how he thought we were more on the same level and working together. I said, "So it's not like you're up here," gesturing up high with my hand. He said no, that if anything, I was up higher than him. That I was the expert on LT, while he was the expert on psychology. That we worked together in the way that, say, the financial person and the sales person in a business work together. Each is equally important in their roles. I want to say he called it a "power collaboration," but I could be wrong on that term. I said I liked that idea.

Back to the written paper. I said I thinI said how when I told him about it, I figured that maybe he'd say that other people had similar strong reactions to seeing their words written. T: "No, you're the first one to say that." Me: "Oh..." I said I was trying to figure out why it was so meaningful, besides the teacher thing.

And also, in thinking about it last week, I'd gotten angry at MC. T confirmed whether I meant last week vs. my session yesterday. I said last week. That when I was telling T the words that particularly affected me, there were actually 4, but I'd only mentioned 3. How the last one was "loved," but that I was scared to mention it. Because I wasn't sure if T was thinking it was because he had written it. How all the stuff with MC made me scared of talking about certain words with him. And I hated that. How it's affecting other relationships now.

T didn't seem particularly concerned by the L-word reference. But he did ask more about MC. I shared some stuff from the session, including how I said I felt he'd retraumatized me. And how he was saying it showed I was "responding," not "reacting." T looked puzzled. I said it was apparently a sign of growth? Which I guess was good. But most of what MC said was stuff like that like about how expressing my anger also showed growth. I said to T that I was sorry for generalizing T's and being critical of them as a group, but it was a very therapist-like thing to say. T said, "It's OK, criticize away!" I said, "Yeah, I already have" (referring to other stuff with him, too).

I said how H had spent the first part of that session talking about his shoulder injury and physical therapy. I told T how his first PT session had been the morning before (same morning of the MC session) and how it had gone fairly well. T said, "Really? I thought those were usually pretty rough." I said he'd said it was OK. How he'd do 6 weeks of PT, that they didn't think he'd need surgery. But that it would take him 6 months to a year to be back to where he was. And how H was saying in session that if he got to only 80% of where he was he might want surgery, so he could get closer to 100%. T made a face. I said, "Yeah, I'd want to avoid surgery, too, it scares me." T said, "Yeah, I don't like surgery, all that blood and liquid and stuff." I said how the only one I'd had was my C-section, and with that was just spinal anesthesia, I didn't get put under. I said how H had made the mistake of looking over the curtain during it, and T looked stricken and said, "Ugh, don't tell me!" I said, "Sorry! Don't want to make you sick."

I mentioned how in session, MC had asked H what his thoughts were, and he said, "I don't have anything, you lost me." T said maybe he tends to zone out during that sort of conversation, like he thinks, "OK, LT and MC are talking about their relationship, so I'm gonna turn up the '80s hair bands in my head and focus on that." I said yeah, maybe he does do that...

I think I was referring again to his being accepting, and I mentioned how it never helped me when ex-T was pathologizing. Like a comment she'd made about how I'm the only person with OCD she's known with a messy house. And T said that’s very inaccurate. I said yeah, because there are different forms of OCD. He said also that people with OCD tend to be procrastinators. I raised my hand. He said (knowing that I’m a perfectionist) the perfectionism can do that. I said exactly.

At some point, we ended up on a tangent about how T's are portrayed on TV, which then led to him saying how cops feel the same way, that they're either portrayed as much more or much less competent than they really are. Chatted about that a couple minutes. Then he apologized for taking us off track. I said it was OK, that it was on me, too.

He asked about the handwritten paper again. He seemed really persistent in wanting to understand, which I appreciated. I mentioned about how maybe it's partly the fact that it was handwritten. How maybe I should try an experiment and keep a journal by hand for a bit, see if that feels any different. He said that was a good thing to try.

March Madness (college basketball tournament with bracket) came up at one point, and I mentioned how I'd won H's work pool a couple years ago, partly due to MC's advice. T was like, "Wow, look at you." I said yeah, though last year didn't go so well. I shared the "Moron" story about MC from the year I won, how I'd said to him, "It's the one you helped me with more on," which sounded like "moron." T laughed, and I said how MC went out and asked the receptionist if she thought he was a moron, then as I was going to leave, he gestured for me to wait, then asked, I assumed his next client, a teenager, if he thought he was a moron. Of course he didn't know how to respond. T said, "Sounds like MC had too much coffee that day!"

We talked some about my career and how to handle not getting in the PhD programs I'd hoped for. How I was going to apply to some more jobs, but I wasn't quite ready yet (I do freelance work now, this is about getting a job in my newer field). How I was kind of grieving not getting into the programs, how the thought of applying for jobs again and maybe just not hearing back (like before, when I'd applied for like 50 jobs) was kind of soul-crushing. He was empathetic. And then he suggested that I take some time to focus on what I really wanted to do, what my priorities are (like ideal job vs. shorter commute, etc.). I said that was good advice.

It was time to stop. He said he would be in Friday, and I said I'd go ahead and schedule. So we did. At first I said I'd take the first option, then was like, "Wait, actually I'll take the other one. I must be the most annoying scheduler ever." And he said, "No you're not." Then I said I supposed I should schedule for Tuesday, too, and he said it's good I mentioned that, because he wanted to be able to put me in my usual time slot.

Went over to pay. He handed me back credit card and slip to sign. I signed slip and, not paying attention, put it in my purse. He said, "Uh, I need that." Me, "Huh?" Him (gesturing): "I need that paper." Me: "Oh, I'm sorry!" and handed it to him. He said I didn't seem the type to deny that I'd been to see him, but just in case. We shook hands, and he said, "Have a good rest of the week!" I said "You, too." As I was leaving, he said something I couldn't make out. I said, "What?" He said, "Be sure to fill out your bracket!" I laughed and said I would. Then headed out.
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  #247  
Old Mar 14, 2018, 05:27 PM
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malika138 malika138 is offline
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I continued to tell the story about the attempt from many, many years ago. One of the main points is that
Possible trigger:
This brings up two issues. Current t asked, 'you would definitely tell me if this feeling happens again, right?' And I gave the honest answer of yes. But then I asked if it was ever possible to email her to ask to talk to her on the phone. She said that if I was at that point, she'd prefer that I text because she doesn't get notifications for incoming email but she does for texts. So, I'm left wondering, is the issue that I shouldn't email to ask to talk but should I text to ask to talk? Or is it that instead of talking, she'd prefer to communicate via text? It took sufficient courage to venture as far down this vulnerable line of questioning as I did, and didn't have the -whatever- to ask - can we talk on the phone between sessions in emergencies?

The other concern I have is that I am unsure what I would do if current t wants to report previous t for abandonment (she came to the hospital to tell me she was terminating, without a plan to transfer care), and I'm not comfortable doing that. Again, it took enough emotional strength to get through this discussion as far as I did without also being able to discuss the reporting aspect.
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  #248  
Old Mar 14, 2018, 06:21 PM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malika138 View Post
I continued to tell the story about the attempt from many, many years ago. One of the main points is that
Possible trigger:
This brings up two issues. Current t asked, 'you would definitely tell me if this feeling happens again, right?' And I gave the honest answer of yes. But then I asked if it was ever possible to email her to ask to talk to her on the phone. She said that if I was at that point, she'd prefer that I text because she doesn't get notifications for incoming email but she does for texts. So, I'm left wondering, is the issue that I shouldn't email to ask to talk but should I text to ask to talk? Or is it that instead of talking, she'd prefer to communicate via text? It took sufficient courage to venture as far down this vulnerable line of questioning as I did, and didn't have the -whatever- to ask - can we talk on the phone between sessions in emergencies?

The other concern I have is that I am unsure what I would do if current t wants to report previous t for abandonment (she came to the hospital to tell me she was terminating, without a plan to transfer care), and I'm not comfortable doing that. Again, it took enough emotional strength to get through this discussion as far as I did without also being able to discuss the reporting aspect.
I get the sense that she'd want you to text to request to talk because she'd see that sooner than an e-mail. Not that she'd want to text instead of talk.

And for the second part, I don't think your T would report her without checking with you first.
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  #249  
Old Mar 14, 2018, 06:50 PM
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velcro003 velcro003 is offline
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I agree with LT. I text my T when I want to talk to her on the phone, because i know she will see that notification quicker than an e-mail.

Did your T mention reporting old T? Either way, I am sure she would discuss it with you first.
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  #250  
Old Mar 14, 2018, 08:11 PM
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junkDNA junkDNA is offline
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my session today with my t was rough for me. T laid some hard truths on me today, he said he thinks I've kept myself sick to force him to take care of me, and my child part. We were talking about why that part wants to not eat, because it gives me a good feeling. I told him it does it because it d oesnt have many things to feel good about, because it's never going to get what it wants most- someone to take care of me. Because nobody wanted to. We talked about how he can provide that in limited ways. He said that he had to make the boundaries because it was causing that part to "escalate". He meant the outside contact and extra attention .

I got quiet and felt bad. I told t i felt overwhelmed. T tried to talk about other things but I just wanted to hide. T had "seen" me. It was hard for me and I was quiet the rest of the session. I felt that t was staring at me and it bothered me.
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