In Session Today: Part IV

Thanks, Una. That's scary (and interesting) about the Chinese restaurant. I think I am going to see my GP about it--was kind of avoiding the office during flu season. Especially because my mom has paroxysmal tachychardia--started when she was a teen, and she can't do any sort of aerobic exercise due to it. (I also have trouble exercising--running makes me feel like I'm going to die.) She's been on a beta blocker for years. Sometimes I wonder if some of my panic attacks might actually start with a heart rate increase that then makes me panic? Instead of the psychological symptoms causing the fast heart rate. Like, chicken or egg?

Thank you.. Yes t is very good with me ☺. Not everyone can handle me lol

(((LT)))mine was diagnosed as tachycardia. It was so long ago, i'd forgotten the word. Thats probably why im so unflappable now. Never flap. Fwiw, nobody was sick at my gp's office on monday. Half dead, but not actively sick!

I've had this happen. I've had it happen with quite a few people, but my therapist triggers it a lot. With most people I just push the emotion away, but with my therapist I've been able to talk about it. He asks what it was that he did to trigger it, and the nearest I've been able to articulate is "he looked at me weird." Which sounds totally nuts when I'm being rational, but when I'm not it just "feels" true.

My therapist thinks that it may have something to do with trauma, and maybe not even really severe trauma, but something that felt really bad in the past. Somehow it gets connected with him on a purely emotional level. I've often felt really stupid about it, because part of me knows it isn't logical. But if my therapist is right about that neural connection between the past emotions and the present ones, it's not that illogical.

Today’s session was good, but intense. R arrived and apologised for last week.
‘How are you doing?’
‘I am…I hate having to say this, but…’
‘You hate having to say this? Is that because you feel as though you would be disappointing me?’
‘Yes…shaking, that is new…and a complete sentence would be nice.’
‘I heard the inner critic there.’
‘Yes, a complete sentence would be nice, but it is OK that I can’t get there yet.’
‘It is.’
‘I am really struggling at the moment, and I think it is to do with the time of year…With where we left it last time, you asked me how long it had been since I last put my head down and went to sleep.’
‘Yes.’
‘I said it had been a couple of years, and that is the case, but I didn’t mention that the last time I was foolish enough to think just putting my head down and going to sleep was an option I cried intermittently for an hour…that was last November.’

‘And my asking you about sleep made you think about that?’

‘Yes, and I didn’t feel it was appropriate to bring it up at the end of the session.’

‘So you held it.’

‘So I held it. I braved the Post Office a couple of times too.’

‘There’s a smirk as you say that. What is that about?’

‘I was talking to myself inwardly as I walked – “You’re just going to breathe and keep moving…” – and after a while it became apparent that neither of those things was happening. I just wanted to get in there, do what I needed to do and get out. I was out of it for the next hour, to the point that I was not really aware of what was going on around me.’

‘I am trying to imagine what that would feel like, and I can’t quite….what does it feel like for you when you are in that space? When you talk about that I imagine it as a bubble…’

‘It feels spectacularly unsafe, as though I am unaware of anything going on around me.’

‘It sounds quite scary to think that if there were an imminent threat you would not be capable of responding appropriately.’
‘After an hour, I realised I would have to reach out, so I asked the support worker I was with at the time for the words ‘You’re safe.’ She said them, but it was like checking something off a list. I then realised how much of that is tone dependent.’

‘How was it afterwards?’

‘That sort of snapped me out of it and I was able to continue doing what I needed to do, but afterwards she asked: ‘Did you think you were going to fall down the stairs?’ I said ‘No, I am just feeling a little anxious at the moment’, which was a lie…and that was the rest of that day, and the next. The feeling of disconnect persists.

‘Is that feeling disconnected, or thinking about how disconnected you were?’

‘Feeling disconnected…I can come back, but it takes me a while. And then I went to pottery on Friday and was honest with her about how this time of year affects me: ‘Your friend would be horrified if she knew that Easter…’

‘I think I know what you are trying to say, but go on.’

‘Your friend would be horrified if she knew that her death made you dislike Easter.’

‘What jumps out at me there is “Your friend would be”….speaking for somebody you don’t know.’

‘Exactly, so that was Friday and Saturday out, and yes…I know that she wouldn’t want this for me, but it is not all the time. That is what makes the other stuff intolerable.’

‘There was a moment of real connection there, with our eyes, that I just want to reflect back to you. When you talk about Chris, although I see pain in your eyes, you look at me, and the minute we talk about the other stuff, your head goes down, your hair covers your face…’

‘In January 2007, when it became apparent that Chris was not going to make it….That is STUPID!’

‘Stupid?’

‘I feel guilty comparing the two experiences.’

R reiterated to me that she understands the separateness.

‘In January 2007, when it became clear that Chris’ time was short…she said something about an operation, and another ‘Maybe next year,’ and to this day I don’t know how I knew, but I knew there wouldn’t be a next year.’
‘It strikes me that when you were given appropriate information, painful though it was, it was not a shock. Whereas with the other stuff it was constant.’

‘And I think it was also to do with the way she conducted herself through life.’

‘You mean her attitude towards her illness?’
‘We talked a lot about George Harrison’s life and music and beliefs…being a practicing Hindu gives you a different outlook on things.’

‘Oh?’

‘Very early in the Hindu holy book, the Bhagavad Gita, it says: ‘There never was a time when I did not exist, nor you, nor any of these Kings. Nor shall there be any future where we cease to be.’ When I can bring myself to believe that, it doesn’t make it OK, and yet it is.’

‘When you talk about Chris, I picture a box and it is closed. It opens a little around Easter, but you know that and you are OK with that. With the other stuff, it is as though the box is open all the time, and…What do we do with this?’ The fact that I used ‘we’ there was interesting to me. What do you want to do with it?’

‘I feel that the key is voluntarily going to the place I am most scared of.’

‘Which is?’

‘That ****ing bathroom…and not going into why or the analytical mode. That cannot happen.’

‘I feel like you are telling yourself that, and telling me.’

‘I think the key is in not being alone.’

‘Because you have been alone with it for so long.’
We set up our next meeting for Tuesday, and R gave me a hug and told me to take care of myself over the Easter weekend.

I can see how the 'crack house' reference could be taken up wrong by some and only you know the context it was said in.From previous posts about your T it sounds like he said it in the context you said above and was not putting alcohol and crack on the same level.

My initial interpretation of the comment was...., of course, a place that has you addicted to their product whether that be coffee from a coffee shop, alcohol from a bar or a crackhouse is going to make you feel welcome. You are giving them money and supporting their business and people who are addicted are a more reliable income than those who are not...... It is only whilst writing this I also realized that you could perhaps put therapy in that bracket too...hhhhmmm....

LT, in the progression of my drinking problem, I did feel it was a nice way to relax and unwind. It lasted that way for years. However, as I kept drinking more often and more quantities, the habit elevated my anxiety to such heights that I never experienced before and could not even imagine before I got there. It was extreme in the end on a daily basis (after a binge, I never drank round the clock but did daily or nearly daily), often near psychotic - that was the time I first identified with and got diagnosed with GAD. It became an endless cycle, also in the sense that it was completely impossible for me to cut back anymore. That switch broke for life, I think, and the only thing that works for me is 100% abstinence. You can read hundreds of stories like mine online. With total abstinence though, my anxiety gradually but stably reduced to a level that it's not causing any issue now, I notice it but can easily handle it, does not get in the way and I do not register it as a disorder anymore. It was extremely hard to quit the drinking habit at that point and to maintain sobriety int he beginning - the hardest challenge I've faced in my life hands down. I wish I had the motivation and forward vision to stop much earlier, or to learn how to moderate my drinking, but I kinda doubt I would have ever succeeded with moderation - I think I just have a predisposition. I think usually for a long time people who drink/drug in excess do not recognize it as a problem, but when they do and start wondering, it is usually a problem. Anyhow, I don't mean to preach or anything, just sharing an experience.

Today I said to my T that I was hesitant to talk more about T1, because he must be sick of hearing about him all the time and sick of being compared to him.

He said that he stills talks about a previous therapist of his (who things ended badly with) in his therapy and it's been over ten years since he left them.

...I think my T is one of us...

...and my response to that was to laugh and say "well then I guess it's karma that you have to listen to me go on about T1 all the time"

(((Luco))) my t is always, "who do you mean, 'you guys?!'"

[Darth Vader voice]:

LUC... I AM YOUR THERAPIST.

Honestly, Manatee, I'd be happy to have you as my therapist any day!

I saw my t on Wednesday and went in totally numb and feeling lost. I could not access any emotions. I was/am completely overwhelmed. She told me that I was depressed. I said that I couldn't be depressed because I wasn't crying. She said when people are severely depressed they cannot cry. I felt particularly lost and stupid and worthless. She said I should call the pdoc but I said that I couldn't convey how I was doing in a 7 minute appt. So she offered to call and talk to my pdoc. I went home and went to bed. Thursday my pdoc called and changed my meds. Friday I am still in bed.

Lately I've talked about SH, about not eating for over a day because of lost appetite, disruptive sleep even though I take meds to sleep. On one hand I feel like this t is good because she accepts me and what I say. And she cares during those 45 minutes during session. But she definitely won't see me 2x a week. I feel like I need more support.

She tells me she has no open appts during the week. Yet it is rare that there is a client both before and after me. It also seems to me that the clients she sees either before or after me don't have standing appts. So she cannot or will not see me twice. I feel that money is very important to her (based on the car she drives, the clothes she wears, etc). Now I feel that she won't see me twice because insurance doesn't reimburse very well. All this is conjecture.

I'm trying to figure out how to get more support.

T today. I'd sent him an e-mail after last session saying how we needed to talk about how my drinking may also be a sort of self-destructive thing. Like about feeling like I'm not worthy of the things in my life. Went back and sat down. We both remarked on the dark clouds outside. He said how he doesn't like looking outside too much, notices the plastic bags stuck in trees. I said how we have one stuck in a tree by our house. He said he guesses there are less of them now that people use more reusable bags. I said I always intend to use them, then forget to take them to store. He asked if I reuse them. I said yes. He said, "OK, then!"

I said how my caring about the environment came from my 7th grade science teacher, who I had a crush on. How he'd show his classes The Lorax and have to sit in the back because it made him cry. T said how some Dr. Seuss books are just silly, but other ones have an emotional impact. He mentioned The Lorax, Horton Hears a Who, and The Grinch as in that category. I said maybe your kid wouldn't understand the deeper meaning. He said, "Yeah, they'd be like, 'Why is Mommy crying?'" Then he said how as a kid, he always had an issue with the "lifted himself up by the seat of his pants" line. Because how could you do that? I said, "Sounds like you were a very logical kid," and he laughed.

The e-mail came up. He said he wasn't really sold on the whole self-destructive aspect of my drinking. So I'd need to sell him on it. Which...bothered me. I tried to explain it, but think I failed miserably. He said how it seemed like drinking was more of a positive thing for me. How I associated it with being connected to H. And how it helped me deal with my anxiety.

I said yes, but I thought it helped me deal with other feelings, too. How I often felt like...OK, it was like I wanted to be there for a long time for my daughter. But it wasn't so much that I wanted to be alive for me. Like...I sometimes thought about 40 more years of this, and it was really depressing (crying at this point). T tried to clarify what I meant, like dealing with things as they are now? I said yes. That I knew everything wouldn't be the same, but still...It's like I have this sort of feeling where I'm not sure I want to be alive. Not that I would actively do anything. How it's more passive, if that makes sense. I forget what T said to that. He seemed empathic, though.

I said how sometimes I felt like I didn't deserve things. How I'd never really wanted kids until suddenly I was like, "You know what? I think I do want to have a kid." And then went off the pill, and I was pregnant less than 2 months later. I said how it didn't seem fair, how friends had dealt with infertility, had to do IVF. While I got pregnant so quickly. How at 13 weeks--I gave him TMI warning--I had bleeding and was like, "Well, this is it!" But then was fine. And felt guilty for friends who'd had miscarriages, too. But I carried D to term. And then when we learned she was on the autism spectrum, part of me was like, "Ah, I knew something had to happen." (I felt awkward saying that, knowing T also has a child on the spectrum.)

Talked about magical thinking a bit (like from OCD, where thinking things can make stuff happen). How I'd worried that thoughts I'd had led to bad things happening to people. Especially the death of H's friend. T asked me to explain why I felt my thoughts had led to that. I tried to say how he had bothered me, taken up too much of H's time, was negative about our relationship. But then also mentioned the various major health issues he'd had. And T was saying how it wasn't me.

More magical thinking stuff, my saying certain things I got weren't fair. That I didn't deserve them over other people. T said, tongue planted firmly in cheek, "I'm not sure if I'm the first person to tell you this, LT, but life isn't fair." I kinda laughed and said he wasn't the first to say that. But that if he was, that would have been a rather depressing thing to share. Isn't he supposed to make me feel better? T laughed. I brought up when in a past session he'd said how we all die alone. He said, "Why did I say that?" I said I didn't know, that maybe he was in an existential place that day, but it certainly didn't make me feel better! He apologized.

I said how I guessed I should be talking about the drinking thing. T said, "Yeah sorry, I kind of derailed us again." I said: "No I think that was just as much me as you." T: "OK, so it was both of us then!" Me: "It's a wonder we're in the vicinity of the tracks at all!" We both laughed.

This is out of order, I think, but I mentioned having been at D's IEP meeting (to determine services she'll get at school next year because of her autism diagnosis) Wednesday, and how it had gone well. He said, "Good!" I thanked him. Said I'd gotten really panicky in last 10 minutes because room was hot and I was anxious. And how speech therapist said that's common in that room. I said how I often tend to get panicky near the end of stuff, how I can make it almost all the way through, then get really anxious.

T said how that happens to him, too (first time he'd referenced his own anxiety in the 6 months I've been seeing him). He said it can be a 4-hour drive, and he gets anxious just in last 20 minutes. Or, how he didn't want to use example with us, but in general, in a 50-minute session, at 45-minute mark, he'd be trying to think about how to wrap up and might be anxious there. How on a 6-hour flight, he'd be anxious only in last 30 minutes. I said it made me feel better that he reacted that way, too, how maybe it was normal. He said, "I don't know, it might just be the two of us who react this way!" Which...surprised me that he'd say that. Because it was a connection there. I figured he'd be more likely to just say "Yeah, it's a common thing." I said I doubted that, how it was probably more common.

Panic attacks came up, particularly as related to drinking. T said how there is an interplay between physical and mental stuff in them. I agreed. He mentioned a T he'd heard of who would have their client get on a treadmill, because that would imitate how they felt in a panic attack. Then have them come down from it. Then get on treadmill again. I said, "You're not going to make me get on a treadmill next session, right?" He said no. I said good, that I didn't like them. He said how they can be dangerous and gave account of how his friend's daughter got seriously injured on one. I did mention how H had just gotten an exercise bike, so T said maybe I could try that for working on anxiety stuff. I said maybe.

T said again how panic attacks involve physical sensations plus mental stuff and how they play off each other. I agreed, saying how it can escalate. He said that bringing down the physical part can bring down the mental part. I said that was interesting, because ex-T had tried to get me to bring down the mental part, like "ride the wave of anxiety," and how that never really worked. So working on physical part could maybe help, since different approach? But how did that work, just breathing stuff?

T said how part of it is finding a posture where you're really relaxed. He demonstrated sitting in his chair a certain way, explaining how his head and neck were aligned, how his legs were relaxed. I sort of tried to do that, and he said he knew it was hard to do on his couch, how that tended to lead to bad posture. He said how certain breathing exercises could help, that there were three he used with athletes. I said how ex-T had used relaxation exercises with me in the past, but they took up half the session. He said these were different, how they could fit into, say, a timeout in a game.

Then he proceeded to demonstrate each of them. One included more consistent deep breathing over a few minutes. The next was a shorter breath in, longer out, then repeat, then a medium breath in, even longer breath out. Then the last, used for short breaks, just a single slow breath in and out. It was kind of weird watching him demonstrate them--kind of...intimate? And we were basically right at the end of session at that point, too.

We confirmed Monday's session (he asked why he didn't have me in for Tuesday, and I said we'd scheduled for Monday instead due to D and H's schedules), then we scheduled for next Friday. Went over and paid, while I was talking about Amazon's same-day shipping being good for the "Easter Bunny." H shook my hand and was like, "Have a good weekend...it is Friday, right?" I said yes. He said, "Have a good Easter, too." I said (being like 99% sure he's Jewish though he's never confirmed), "Uh, you too? And have a good weekend."

[trigger warning: mentions of suicide]

Tuesday was the 4 year anniversary of the death of my mom's long term boyfriend who had been a father figure in my life from age 12-19. I spent half a session talking and crying about him/his death a month or so ago. It was my first time crying in my therapist's office.
I saw my therapist Monday after acting out in a self destructive way and having really bad anxiety, even though I usually only see him on Fridays. I told him that it was also the anniversary of that person's death the next day.

Today he asked me about my brother's suicide. My brother is alive and lives with my mom, we just haven't been on speaking terms for 5 years because he blames me for not protecting him from our father better.

I told my therapist this. He felt really bad for misremembering and clearly knew that he f***ed up, but he was also confused. Like there was no lightbulb moment of him retrieving the correct memory. So I'm wondering if Monday he was also misremembering our convo from a month ago and under the impression that was my brother's death anniversary?? Which I hate the idea of. What else is he misunderstanding?
We've talked about my guilt about not protecting my brother and my anger at my mom for not holding him accountable for being abusive... that would all be a very different conversation if my brother was dead.
And the loss is very different. I lost a parental figure. That has an entirely different meaning than losing a sibling. So at what point did he get mixed up?

I was really hurt. Part of me wanted to punish him by being completely cold the rest of the session or making passive aggressive digs at the fact that he'd gotten something so important to me so completely wrong. I didn't do so, but it definitely damaged our connection, and I think he knew it too.

After asking about and talking about my grief and loss for a short while, I changed from kind of leaning hunched forward with my legs uncrossed (the position I'd originally been in since the beginning, kind of curled in on myself) to leaning back in the chair (pulling away) and crossing my legs and crossing my arms across myself. He asked if I was cold and I said no. He then made some comment that he had asked because that was such a sudden and dramatic change in my posture and I was like "yep." I told him I was usually aware of the signals I was sending, it was just a question of whether or not I chose to try to hide those signals. And after I second I was like "that change meant I was done talking about this" and he was like "yeah, that was the message I got."
So we moved on. I'm not sure he would have let me get away with that without pushing it if he hadn't been feeling guilty.
It was just really hard to talk about my grief when I was upset with him for not even remembering what I was grieving about.

I kind of carried that resentment through the rest of the session, and even now. We were still able to have a productive session and I was still able to be vulnerable talking about things that I don't like admitting but it was in a somewhat more clinical and detached way than usual, as if I was a researcher studying myself.

When I think about our session and him now, I feel hurt, not warmth. And I'm not sure how much longer that feeling will last.

Had my last session with T yesterday. He left the door open for me to come back.

I don't know how I feel. Somehow, knowing that he would be willing to see me again in the future makes me feel better. That he's not gone forever.

Despite the difficulties we've had, I have grown and learned a lot about myself.

There is a mixture of relief, sadness, grief, loneliness and so much more. It feels like he is a part of me. I carry him with me. Meeting him has changed me forever. I love him. It's not romantic love, but a pure love. Just love. I'm 35 years old and he's the first person that I have truly loved. I never knew that it was possible to feel this for anyone. I didn't understand what love was until after I met my T.

The depth of feeling is indescribable. I don't know if I will ever feel this deeply for anyone else in my life, but at least now I know what it is like to FEEL this love and I am grateful.

He always asks about work first. I'd find it odd, but my job is the biggest source of my stress right now, I guess. I talked about my inconsiderate co-teacher. How when I was headed to work I said, "okay, time to figure this out." By the time I got to work I had a plan, checked out the book I needed from the library, annotated my note pages, etc. The period I was worried about comes around. We finish the first activity, was 2-3 minutes away from starting the "I'm by myself" plan and my co-teacher walks in. I was pissed for a minute, then realized that was silly because I was getting what I originally wanted: to do small group.

Bubbles was really quiet during my story, then asked a few clarification questions at the end. Then he says, "okay, here's what I heard in that story. You were justified in your anger when you saw the text. Maybe you were being 'extra,' but whatever. You were able to calm down independently in a reasonable amount of time given your level of anger. Once you started your work day you were able to formulate and execute a back up plan. Then you were given another challenge when your co-teacher walked in. But instead of escalating, you quickly transitioned back to the original plan, and none of your personal stuff affected your students. That's impressive. Really. The level of resiliency is great."

I sat there in silence for a second before I mumbled "damn," then started to retreat back into thought. Bubbles sat with the silence an adequate amount of time before asking what I was thinking. I said that was a pretty lofty compliment, and I wasn't doing a good job with compliments today. He said he disagreed; I paused instead of dismissing what he said out of hand.

I told him about the conversation I had with my stepmother on the way to see him. Was telling her about the compliment I'd gotten at work, how I was trying to soak that in. My stepmother said that'd I'd worked so hard to get where I'm at. That I deserve the success and recognition that I've begun to receive. How she and my dad are so proud of me.

I said that statement made me feel incongruent. How it made me sad that my dad was proud of me. He asked why I thought it was a feeling of sadness. I said that maybe I wanted him to say it instead of her, or maybe that he didn't say it enough when I was young. Bubbles asked what I did when my stepmother said that. I said I shed a few tears, got solemn and quiet. My stepmother asked if I was still there, which brought me back to the present. That it was upsetting because I didn't have the full opportunity to sit in that sadness.

"Well, I mean you were operating a car, so..."

I said that I dissociate while I drive all the time anyway, that I wanted to talk to him about that. He said, "yes, we're probably thinking the same thing right now. You asked me to ask you about the car." I didn't remember bringing that up last time, so I was surprised. He turned his legal pad around and pointed at the line. I do want to read his notes someday.

I told him about the car accident I was in when I was 15. How I stopped going to drivers ed after, and wasn't ready to go back until I had to. Bubbles thanked me for sharing the story and could see how having such a major accident at a formative time like that could be impactful. We did the math and I don't remember 6-7 hours from that day. Whether I had a concussion or was in a deep dissociative state was irrelevant. He said that this sounded like a good first target when we're ready to delve into EMDR. I laughed and said that's why I would have wanted to ask. Because I don't remember any of it, could we process it? He said absolutely. That he liked this idea because it would be a good concrete trauma to deal with. That way I could build trust in the process before getting into the other little t issues. That he wouldn't be able to promise that I wouldn't go to little t stuff on my own, but we'd play it by ear. That my body definitely remembers the accident, even if my mind doesn't. I said it's fascinating that my commute to work is so long. "I was just appreciating the irony of that myself. You must really love your job."

He said that the session so far felt different. That we were talking about some pretty heavy things and I was managing my anxiety well. That we'd talked about smaller things and it was more difficult for me. I said that I'd just decided that I didn't want my lack of trust to stand in the way of some big insights that were coming up. There was something else I wanted to delve into. He said that he wanted to explore this for a minute first. That it's impressive that by making the cognitive choice to do something that it reflected so well in my emotional state. That it was congruent. How he was glad that I was able to sit in the session today and be so open. I agreed. The session so far felt nice. How he would probably hurt me like everyone else, but until then...

He said that I was right. That he would hurt me eventually. He's only human, after all. That if therapy robots were a thing, that they'd be way better at it and he'd be out of a job. I got perturbed, took maybe 30 seconds to breathe. Then I said that reminded me of the old one. Before Bubbles let me tell the story, he said he was impressed that I was able to bounce back so quickly, because whatever I was thinking obviously stirred up some negative emotions.

I told him the story of how RoboT came to be known as RoboT. Bubbles was not amused. He said that sounded like a more passive boundary cross. That he was beginning to understand how the self disclosure from RoboT was troublesome. That for whatever reason, his baggage couldn't stay out of the room. I laughed and agreed. It's why I don't trust any of those wily therapist types.

He said it made him sad. That self disclosure, when done right, could be a really helpful therapy tool. We talked about the why for a moment. Bubbles said that he knew there was something else I wanted to talk about, but this was a good segue into one of his notes. I said okay, you first. He asked me about in light of the conversation we were having about self disclosure, had I thought more about our conversation last week about authenticity. I said not really. That I still felt the same way then that I had last week. I asked him for information, and he gave it to me. How that I understood why he was hesitant to disclose those negative feelings, because most of the time that would damage an alliance. But the difference was that I had the intuition that he'd had those feelings, and for my sanity I needed to know that my perception was accurate.

Then we moved onto my thing. The other conversation we had last week was about how I felt like the people closest to me see me as this basket case. How I'm mentally ill. I had a feeling toward the end of the conversation that I might be projecting. So I talked to H and my stepmother about it. That they both agreed that I have moments that aren't good, and how my mental illness will likely remain with me, that I've improved so much.

Bubbles asked how that made me feel, and I said sad. That external forces are easier to deal with internal forces. That I have this image of myself as ill, and that's not the person that I want to be. He said he was very impressed that I was able to recognize that as a projection. How some people can take years to come to that realization.

He said he was really impressed with me today. That I was making connections, coping well, etc. The work I was doing was kickass. I rolled my eyes. "That irritates you. Why?"

I said that I thought he continued to view me incorrectly. That he viewed me in the light of VDay, and how those moments for me are so few and far between. That on a scale of 1-10, VDay was a 1, today was a 7. He said, "so you think I'm over praising you because that night biased the way I perceive you?" I agreed and he made a "huh" noise and wrote something down. "How would you like me to change the way that I handle those moments, then? I felt it important to express how proud I am of your work, but I don't want to upset you."

I said that I didn't want him to change. That being able to express how I feel in these moments is probably very therapeutic given my issues. He chuckled at that. "I'm so very glad that you said that. I was thinking the same thing before I asked the question. You really have done some good work today."

Time was about up, so he asked me what I was up to for spring break. I mentioned that I was checking out a new restaurant with a coworker, and he wrote that down. Probably D&D on Monday. He said that it sounded like I had good plans. We scheduled, paid, then left. As I left he said "really good work today."

I relate so much to this. I just turned 36, so when I told him that I loved him, I was the same age as you, same type of love... same, new feelings, only for me, I knew what love was from having dogs. A real, true love, that no human could ever measure up to but this is as close as I've ever come to that with another human, it's nice to see someone here who is with me on this

I'm sorry it ended for you, that is my worst nightmare. I think I'll be spiraling on that day. It is nice he left if open to come back. I'm glad you learned a lot from him and were able to have that loving experience with someone.

I had a panic attack for nearly the entire session.. right in front of him. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed.

I've been there--it sucks. I know this probably doesn't help, but I'm sure you weren't the first client to have one in front of him. Did he seem to realize that you were panicked? Did he try to help?

Hey Summer: That is what T's are there for! I hope your T helped you with your panic attack. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

T today. Sat down, I briefly shared how Easter went (good). I said something kinda bad happened Friday shortly after our session though. Looking concerned, he asked what. I said how one of my two freelance jobs had told me they'd be cutting our pay (it's complicated--the work process is changing a bit, with some of it outsourced). T gave a genuine, "I'm sorry. I'm sure that's upsetting." Then he was trying to clarify which of the jobs it was--the way he asked showed he was paying attention to stuff I'd said before. He made a point that hadn't occurred to me--how maybe it affected my self-worth, because it didn't feel that the people I work for value me as much (I've freelanced for them for 7 years).

I said it also didn't help that I'd gotten in fight with H about it. That I wanted him to be understanding, and instead he was saying how I had to get away from freelance work anyway. (I won't go into all the details behind it--it's not the first time we've had such an argument, I do eventually plan to return full-time, but I'm in midst of career change post grad school, so not as simple. Freelance work is in former field.) And some other stuff that didn't make me feel any better. T said it sounded like H had an agenda, and he was just using this to push his agenda. I said, yeah, it does kind of seem like that. He suggested I talk more directly to him about it, like what was he getting at with his comments?

I said I'd also made error of talking to my mom about it when she called today, that I should know better than to talk to her about such things. T gave a little laugh and was like, "Unless you want to be disappointed, right?" I smiled and said yeah.

I was crying a bit in there and realized the tissue box was empty. I asked T if he had others, he pointed to a table. I went to get that box, and he said, "Could you throw the empty box in front of the door?" I said, "You mean in the trash can by the door?" He said, "No in front of the door. That way I won't forget to get more." I tossed it there, and he said, "Perfect," and I sat back down with the other box.

T asked some questions about what exactly I do want to ultimately do (like specific job titles, etc.) Then he shared some thoughts on how to determine how I could get there, including sort of a different way of approaching networking than I'd heard described. I won't bore you all with it. He did check in partway through to make sure I was finding it helpful, and I said yes (I did). Though for one analogy he used, he started by saying, "Imagine a room filled with cobwebs." I was like, "Ugh." He said, "Not a fan of spiders?" I said, "No, but the webs bother me more." So he switched to a different metaphor.

We had maybe 20 minutes left. I said I guessed I should bring up how we'd probably be terminating with MC on Wednesday. T said it seemed I had resolved some of the stuff with MC--did I not think we'd be able to work through some of the marriage counseling stuff (like thing with H that came up today) with him? I said, crying, that I didn't think so. That I didn't trust that he'd listen to me and not just agree with H. How it's really just in general that I don't trust him anymore, like he's lost my trust.

I said it was weird, because I feel really ambivalent about him, but here I am crying. (I realized after session that I think the crying was partly about something else.) That I felt so intensely for him, and now it's just like there's nothing. So why am I crying? T said sometimes if someone feels very strongly for someone else and that feeling goes away, they can feel sad that the feeling is gone. I said that made sense. And how he'd said before that it can be like grieving.

He said he had an analogy from his life that he thought sort of fit. I was afraid (and OK a bit curious) that he was going with a failed romantic relationship, but it was actually a professional one. Early in his career, he went to work in this woman's practice. She'd clearly wanted someone more experienced. She basically made it so he couldn't want to stay. She didn't help him build his practice or mentor him. Didn't help him at all. Yet when he opted to leave 6 months later, she was like, "I'm glad you're leaving on your own terms." But he said (to me) that he really wasn't. Then he said maybe that example didn't really fit. I said, "Well, it does kinda fit a little. I think I just need to think about what you said."

He explained that maybe it was a bit like that with MC. How yes, MC said we could keep seeing him if we wanted. But...because of some of the stuff that happened...maybe it's not just me. Not like he was forcing me/us out, but was at the same time making it difficult to stay. I said that actually made some sense. T said he could tell that I'd come to realize it wasn't just my fault, that it was also some of MC's reactions to things. I said yes, I think I had come to realize that it wasn't just on me.

I said I wasn't even sure what a termination session would involve. He said hadn't I terminated with ex-T? I said not really, that I just went in one session and told her I'd made an appointment with him, that I was probably just going to see him for a month or two, then go back to her. But if I decided to stay with him, I'd go back to her for termination session. But I never did, even though we'd discussed doing that in Feb. I said I felt like I'd be doing it for her, not me, like I owed her that because I let so abruptly after 6 years. He said it should be what's in my interest, not the therapist's. I said yes.

T said how he's heard from a few clients who abruptly terminated like that a year or so after they left, generally to thank him for their work together and to say they're doing well, stuff like that. I said I guessed it was probably good to know they hadn't
I said I wasn't sure what we should talk about in a termination session with MC. That in a more normal marriage counseling situation (which this isn't because of all the transference stuff), I'd think we would spend the time talking about how we were when we started and where we are now. T said that's what they teach you in grad school, but he's only had a handful of termination sessions actually be like that. How usually the actual "termination" part only takes 15 minutes or so. He suggested I just see how things go. I said that's what I was planning.

I saw we were out of time. He confirmed my Friday appointment, then we scheduled for regular day of next Tuesday. Went over to pay, both lamented how the weather had gotten colder. While shaking hands, he said "Have a good one." I replied, "You too." Then he said, "Good luck" (I'm guessing referring to MC.) I said thanks. Then asked if he wanted me to do anything with the tissue box. "It's perfect where it is." "OK, bye!"

Thank you both! He definitely noticed, I told him I was dizzy first and we went to get water from the water fountain. When we came back I started getting super anxious and told him I though I was gonna have a panic attack. He kept trying to talk me through it but I just sat there frozen, unable to talk or move, looking like an idiot. He asked me a couple questions during and I just couldn’t answer. I feel like he must think I’m crazy and be so fed up with working with me. I’m sorry you’ve been in this situation too, LT, it’s definitely not fun. He said he wished he could’ve been more helpful for me.

In session last Saturday- I told T that anytime we discuss my caring feelings for her that she seems more distant and formal...less warm.

I told her I knew she was just trying to be a good T...but it feels a bit disappointing and I doubt I’ll talk to her about those issues anymore.

What do you think would have helped you at the time? If you have some sense, maybe let him know in case it happens again. I don't know if this is an option for you (not sure if it is with current T), but a couple times when I was panicking in my marriage counselor's office, I wanted to go hide in the bathroom for a bit, but he suggested the three of us walk outside. I'm not sure if it was the movement, the fresh air, or not sitting in a room staring at each other (maybe all three), but it helped me deal with the panic. Ex-T did relaxation exercises with me a couple times, but those were kinda long and took up 15-20 minutes of session, so I never really wanted to do them. I also stepped out to the bathroom for 5 minutes once and splashed some cold water on my face (I've read that can stimulate the vagus nerve and calm you down). Helped a bit. My instinct when panicking is to want to run and hide, so I tried to fight against that in future sessions.

With current T, leaving the room for a couple minutes helped one time. The other time I had a panic attack during session with him, I think just his commenting on the fact that I was shaking and asking if I was really that scared about what would happen in the room that day helped. Because then I didn't feel I had to hide it (which I often feel I do, which tends to just make it worse...). And it was like he understood how scared I was. The other day, I wasn't having a panic attack, but he showed me some breathing exercises to do for future ones. So maybe if I'm panicking again in there, I could ask him to talk me through those again. Just some thoughts!