[LonesomeTonight]

OK, many of you have likely read about what's going on right now with me and my T. In a nutshell: He'd said previously that he was OK working with transference if it should come up for me (albeit not that experienced/trained in it). And then recently, after I told him that holding a transitional object he'd given me had comforted me, I learned that he actually isn't so comfortable with the idea after all. I'm sticking with him for now--not looking for advice on that. But there are a few things I've tried to explain to him in the past couple sessions and over e-mail that he doesn't seem to comprehend--not that he doesn't accept them, but he doesn't seem to understand what I mean (like he's literally said, "I don't understand what you mean by x," that's not my interpretation of his words).

So I think maybe I'm just doing a poor job of explaining some things. Looking for some help with that.

--Feeling "judged." I've tried to explain this to him a couple times now. Basically, if he (or someone) makes a comment to me, even if they don't intend it as negative, because of stuff from my past (or present), it can feel like judgment to me. Which can lead to me feeling shamed. A recent example of this was him saying, regarding my getting comfort from the stone, that it was OK if it represented the therapy space as a whole, but that it was weird/creepy to him if it represented him (whether as a therapist or a person). It was a mix of both for me, so his saying that made me feel judged, like it was wrong for me to experience it a certain way. And I've felt judged by some of his other "honest" statements too. (I know much of this comes from my mother being fairly openly judgmental about me and others, though I need to explore that more.)

Suggestions on how to explain "feeling judged" (or "feeling shamed") to him?

--I told him in an e-mail that I felt he needed to "meet me where I am" to work with me, and he said he needed to think about that more. I said:
"I'm at a certain place now with things like transference, how I felt about the stone..., how much I think about the therapeutic relationship, etc. I know you think many of those things are unhealthy for me and apparently uncomfortable for you as well. But the fact is, it's just where I am right now. And I need you to first accept and join me where I am in order to help me move forward into healthier relationships--with you, with others in my life, and with myself."

His response: "This is an interesting observation, and I'm going to have to think about it. I do think that it is unhealthy for you. It's hard for me to know how to keep our work from going in a [ex-MC] direction, which I absolutely 100% don't want to happen for you. And you are correct - if that were to happen it would be uncomfortable for me, although I don't believe that has anything to do with you personally. My overall goal in therapy is to help people feel well-balanced, strong, healthy and able to live loving lives - and therapy is a way of getting people to that point while also not creating dependency on the therapy/therapist. I'll try to be more comfortable with the idea that we will have to spend time in session talking about things like transference. I'm going to have to trust that it will lead into a place where it can have a positive impact on the relationships you have outside of the therapy office."

Does that seem like he didn't necessarily get what I was saying? Or why it's important? If so, suggestions on how to better explain in session?

--Also, from that exchange, I'm trying to figure out how to explain why it's difficult for me to hear that he's not fully comfortable talking about certain topics--in this case, transference. (Leaving aside the fact that he said before he'd be OK with it...). I think he feels he should be honest with me about it, but that also makes me more reluctant to talk about it. Even though I told him that talking about it helps diffuse it, not talking about it is more likely to make it intensify. (For the record, my transference for him right now it like a 2 or 3, vs. like a 25 at its peak with ex-MC. I'm trying to address this at early stages this time.)

Any suggestions on how to better explain things to him welcome! Except please not, "You need to leave this T" because that's not what I'm asking. Thanks!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

LT, you’re incredibly articulate and explain things well. I’m not sure explanation is exactly the problem. I don’t have specific suggestions about how to phrase your thoughts, but I do have general (absolutely judgment-free) observation. I wonder if some of your discomfort is around not getting the answers you expect. In other words, you’re anticipating or hoping for a particular response and he’s not giving it to you, which creates a dissonance instead of relief from anxiety. Often when considering responses from your therapists, you will write some variation on, (s)he could have said/I just wanted to hear/the response I want is, which leaves little space for the other person to have their own reaction or feedback.

I think he is a good t for you (going only by your posts, of course). I “hear” him saying to you that he’s willing to work with and through the transference but he’s going to be open with you about how it impacts him, instead of hiding his discomfort. So instead of meeting you where you are by offering an unhealthy reassurance, he’s trying to meet you partway by offering honesty and healthy reassurance.

I think that his approach is really uncomfortable for you, but I also see you posting about your sessions and sitting with your thoughts in a different way. Maybe that’s encouraging?

((LT)) I hope this makes at least some sense and that you know this is said with utmost respect and kindness. I’m certainly not there to see/hear/understand everything fully, so your mileage may vary—hopefully there’s something helpful here.

[atisketatasket]

LT—his big thing is sports psychology, right? That’s a very goal-oriented field (like, teach an athlete how not to choke at the big moments or think too much instead of operating on instinct—and I think that could be quite helpful applied to you even as a non-athlete).

So I am wondering if some of this could be reframed with that in mind? For instance, judgment/shame. It’s really your feeling, so it’s kind of like the feeling a pitcher might have after giving up a homer or a tennis player after making an unforced error and they let that throw them off their game. It’s really you who is judging yourself and the feeling is throwing you off your game.

I feel like I’m not making much sense, but I think you’re talking to him as though he were a more traditional talk therapist than is my sense of him. “Meet me where I’m at” is a very common talk therapy phrase, for instance.

[maybeblue]

I don't think you should leave your T. I actually think that was a good, honest response to what you told him. I think that he said quite a few of good affirming things in there, but you focused on the part where he said he needs to get comfortable with transference...implying he isn't already comfortable. And I can totally understand that...because I do the same thing...focus on the kind of negative remark in all of the positive.

I wouldn't avoid talking to him about transference. He always said he wasn't experienced at it...and I don't know how you can be comfortable with something you don't know a whole lot about...BUT he is willing to learn more and get comfortable with it. So I would say keep doing what you are doing and explain it to him over and over if you need to.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

LT, you’re incredibly articulate and explain things well. I’m not sure explanation is exactly the problem. I don’t have specific suggestions about how to phrase your thoughts, but I do have general (absolutely judgment-free) observation. I wonder if some of your discomfort is around not getting the answers you expect. In other words, you’re anticipating or hoping for a particular response and he’s not giving it to you, which creates a dissonance instead of relief from anxiety. Often when considering responses from your therapists, you will write some variation on, (s)he could have said/I just wanted to hear/the response I want is, which leaves little space for the other person to have their own reaction or feedback.

Thanks for the compliment (I do have an English degree!) You make a really good point. Especially since I told someone before Tuesday's session that there were three things I wished he'd say (even if he just said one or two), one of which was an apology. And...I didn't really get any of those things. I think maybe I'm used to how ex-MC would respond to things...like with reassurance. Or not even that, just the script I have written in my head. And I also sometimes think it's obvious what I want, when it probably isn't so obvious (this causes issues in other relationships, too, like my marriage). That's interesting you noticed me saying things like that in my writeups, too...

Plus this T is very different personality-wise than I'm used to dealing with either in a T or in real life, so it's not surprising he's not giving me the response I'm looking for or even expecting--like I've hoped for a certain response, prepared myself for a particular negative one, then he says something completely different from either of those. And, it's like in theory, yes, I want people to be honest with me--but then I'm not prepared for what they say.

This might be something good to bring up in session, actually...

I think he is a good t for you (going only by your posts, of course). I “hear” him saying to you that he’s willing to work with and through the transference but he’s going to be open with you about how it impacts him, instead of hiding his discomfort. So instead of meeting you where you are by offering an unhealthy reassurance, he’s trying to meet you partway by offering honesty and healthy reassurance.

I think he's generally been good for me, too, which is why I don't want to just give up on him. I hadn't really considered that he's offering me "healthy reassurance." Interesting...And maybe T is confused because he thinks he *is* reassuring me. Whereas ex-MC just saying, "It's OK that you shared that feeling" or "It's OK that you e-mailed" or whatever isn't necessarily so healthy. Especially because it only lasts so long and makes me want more.

I think that his approach is really uncomfortable for you, but I also see you posting about your sessions and sitting with your thoughts in a different way. Maybe that’s encouraging?

((LT)) I hope this makes at least some sense and that you know this is said with utmost respect and kindness. I’m certainly not there to see/hear/understand everything fully, so your mileage may vary—hopefully there’s something helpful here.

That's interesting that you said I'm posting about my sessions differently...I have felt stronger lately and more able to hold onto thoughts and emotions (though of course sometimes they still leak out...) I also think it's interesting that he's so concerned about my focus on him taking away from my real-life relationships, when in the past 4-5 months, I've actually been initiating more contact/get-togethers with friends and think I've been communicating with H better. Hm...maybe it's also about having gotten away from ex-MC...

This was definitely helpful and has given me a lot to think about--thanks!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

LT—his big thing is sports psychology, right? That’s a very goal-oriented field (like, teach an athlete how not to choke at the big moments or think too much instead of operating on instinct—and I think that could be quite helpful applied to you even as a non-athlete).

So I am wondering if some of this could be reframed with that in mind? For instance, judgment/shame. It’s really your feeling, so it’s kind of like the feeling a pitcher might have after giving up a homer or a tennis player after making an unforced error and they let that throw them off their game. It’s really you who is judging yourself and the feeling is throwing you off your game.

I feel like I’m not making much sense, but I think you’re talking to him as though he were a more traditional talk therapist than is my sense of him. “Meet me where I’m at” is a very common talk therapy phrase, for instance.

Yep, sport psychology and also teens/young adults. And couples. His list of specialties may as well have said "Everyone except LonesomeTonight" (as I told him in an early session, I'm like the opposite of an athlete!) yet something about him still spoke to me (when I first e-mailed him, I asked if he worked with "less-young adults." He used that phrase back to me, which suggested to me he was a keeper, as some may have said, "Yes I work with clients of all ages" or something like that. Yes, I have somewhat random ways of assessing people at times!).

So that makes sense to try to think of it that way. He's said before he's not psychodynamically trained (which ex-MC was and...well...Ex-T was not--she's a social worker and more trained in CBT and stuff like that). He is a PhD, but I'm not fully clear what modality he was trained in (his degree just says Clinical Psychology I think). He also seems more goal-oriented in therapy in general than ex-MC (well, wouldn't take much for him!) or ex-T (well, she was goal-oriented in the beginning, I guess). Like saying "What I want for you ix X." Which helps that he seems to have some sort of vision for me (and it seems to match what I want).

Wow, that was an excessive number of parentheticals... But I think you're right that it's more I'm judging myself. So maybe need to try saying it that way to him? Not sure... Because, I mean, if a coach is like "your throwing mechanics are off," and the player is like, "I feel judged!" well I doubt they'd last too long in the major leagues...

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I don't think you should leave your T. I actually think that was a good, honest response to what you told him. I think that he said quite a few of good affirming things in there, but you focused on the part where he said he needs to get comfortable with transference...implying he isn't already comfortable. And I can totally understand that...because I do the same thing...focus on the kind of negative remark in all of the positive.

I wouldn't avoid talking to him about transference. He always said he wasn't experienced at it...and I don't know how you can be comfortable with something you don't know a whole lot about...BUT he is willing to learn more and get comfortable with it. So I would say keep doing what you are doing and explain it to him over and over if you need to.

Thanks, some good points here. I definitely tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Doesn't help that I'm an editor by trade--where feedback is "You missed these 2 things" not "You fixed these 200 errors." I think you're right, that he's willing to try says something--says a lot, really. It probably also doesn't help that as I've explained transference to him before has been regarding what I experienced with ex-MC, which was an extreme end of it. And not what I'm experiencing here at all. So maybe he assumes it's more like that, which (understandably!) freaks him out. When...that was also a case where ex-MC was very much feeding into it, which is something I don't think I have to worry about with this T.

[unaluna]

I dont see how your h was ever okay with your midnight calls and emails to MC. Its like that insurance commercial where the wife comes downstairs in the middle of the night and finds her h talking on the phone, and he claims hes talking to an insurance guy, and she gets on the phone and yells, "what are you wearing?", and the guy says, "uh... khakis and a red polo shirt?" The wife is obviously delusional.

You SAY you want a better relationship with your h, but what does that mean exactly? You said in another thread today, something about maintaining delusions. Maybe step one is working on deleting the delusions between you and t. THAT would be what i would call, working on the transferential relationship.

[AllHeart]

What does "meeting you where you are at" look like to you? What do you need (not want) from him so that you feel "accepted and joined" with where you are at? And, why is it important to spend more time talking about the transference? What would the benefits be for you? What might these things lead to?

I wonder if you started with identifying these these things more in depth, you could then discuss with him? I do think his honesty is a positive, though, perhaps, he could sometimes choose a better delivery of his messages. It's hard to figure out the therapeutic relationship after having been an unhealthy one for so long. It's confusing. Your therapist sounds a lot like mine. She didn't want me to wind up dependent on her, get lost in the transference, or make the focus of therapy about the relationship. She's brutally honest, too! I actually do appreciate that now and it has helped strengthen our relationship. She keeps me in check. She's able to meet me where I am at by giving me what I need in ways that help keep me transference-free and make me more solid. I didn't always like it. I sometimes resented her for it. I sometimes miss those feelings transference and dependence brought me (with ex-t). But, that's my sh it, not t's. It's her job to help me work through that sh it and not do anything to promote it. Ultimately, I only want from her what she has to give anyway. So, in a way, I have to meet her where she's at also. I'm rambling on, I know. I think the point I'm trying to make is that the relationship with t requires finding the balance. Not always easy figuring it out. I think the more effort you force into it, the more painful, intense, and complicated it gets.

[Polibeth]

Oh LT - You have received some fabulous responses from the above posters. They perhaps more eloquently wrote what I was thinking. I often see you post about how you write to T/MC/ex-T and tell them what you want them to write back to you. I think once you learn to integrate your internal feelings with your need for external validation that will taper off (probably dramatically). I had similar feelings for a male authority figure about 15 years ago but learned to change how I thought and dealt with the situation and it was like magic - it hurt for a few weeks and then I learned to deal with my feelings/need for communication.

About the feeling judged/shame part - I get that also. I had a very shaming mother. I told my T everything about my childhood and then he said something about "You can control that" (my response to stuff) and that childhood was over and I was now a not-so-young adult (I'm totally stealing this) so time to stop looking in the tiny rearview mirror and focus on the huge windshield in front of me.

One last comment is that you often spoke of MC pathologizing you/your behaviors for lack of a better word but I think that no one pathologizes/judges your behavior more than YOU!! Every time an uncomfortable feelings comes up you think "well it must be childhood/losing person A/negative maternal transference etc" Sometimes uncomfortable things are just uncomfortable and have nothing to do with our past situations (other than us learning unhealthy mechanisms to cope).

I hope you don't think I'm judging or shaming you - I was the exact same way - but I had a therapist who was a no-nonsense/direct/honest and no outside contact kind of guy and he was perfect for me. I see a lot of growth in you since this situation with T arose which leads me to believe he may be the perfect T for you (even if he isn't always perfect).

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Wow, that was an excessive number of parentheticals... But I think you're right that it's more I'm judging myself. So maybe need to try saying it that way to him? Not sure... Because, I mean, if a coach is like "your throwing mechanics are off," and the player is like, "I feel judged!" well I doubt they'd last too long in the major leagues...

Not quite what I meant—it’s that if the pitcher lets that statement get inside his head, it will make the problem worse.

[ElectricManatee]

I think maybe you're using ideas from a psychodynamic framework but that's not the world your T lives in. Maybe you can communicate with him better if you figure out where he's coming from. I don't think there is anything complicated or not understandable about what you're saying. Feeling judged is a universal human experience. But he clearly is not operating from the viewpoint that therapy can help with unmet emotional needs and maybe he isn't so keen on understanding the influence of the past either. You can probably get more of what he has to offer when you start to understand where his strengths lie, not where you wish they lie.

[ruh roh]

There have been some really good insights here. I agree with others who have said the issue isn't about finding a better way to explain to him what you mean about feeling judged and wanting him to do things that don't trigger those feelings in you--it's about understanding how to respond within yourself when feeling judged. Because if he were to do what you're asking, it's going to be MC 2.0. It's seeking to change someone else's behavior in order to feel better and somehow correct the past.

I have a lot of issues from my past, and I know why I have them, so my therapy doesn't really go into exploring the why. I mean, it will surface when triggered and then the work is to separate then from now, but knowing why doesn't really do anything to change things now. I kind of like the way your therapist is laying out his approach to making improvements, and that none of it is about making him the focus.

It's a very uncomfortable and difficult process to find the reassurances from within, and from reading reports on here it seems that many therapists provide those kinds of reassurances. But it's short lived and the person is still sooth-seeking outside themself after the rush of warmth wears off.

So I guess my thought is to try to understand what he's saying, because I do think he's answering your question.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Not quite what I meant—it’s that if the pitcher lets that statement get inside his head, it will make the problem worse.

OK, got it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think maybe you're using ideas from a psychodynamic framework but that's not the world your T lives in. Maybe you can communicate with him better if you figure out where he's coming from. I don't think there is anything complicated or not understandable about what you're saying. Feeling judged is a universal human experience. But he clearly is not operating from the viewpoint that therapy can help with unmet emotional needs and maybe he isn't so keen on understanding the influence of the past either. You can probably get more of what he has to offer when you start to understand where his strengths lie, not where you wish they lie.

That makes sense...maybe I've ended up caught up in psychodynamic terminology/theories from ex-MC and/or just reading stuff online. T does seem willing to examine my past--he was saying in one of the sessions this past week that he didn't feel he had that good of a sense of my childhood. That maybe we needed to discuss that more. In the past, he's said he doesn't tend to focus on clients' childhoods, but he realizes with me, it's important to do. (That was one of the comments that made me think he was adapting more to my needs.) He's also talked about possibly having one or both of my parents come in to join me for a session at some point. From talking Tuesday, he seemed to understand that one way of working through transference is to go back to my childhood and examine what was going on there. Like...it doesn't all have to be about him and my relationship with him. He clearly seemed open to examining how childhood stuff continues to affect me.

But I agree with what you're saying, that I need to focus on what his strengths are, not his deficits. And I was thinking that at one point after Tuesday's session, that maybe I could keep seeing him to focus on the areas that he's good at, where he's already helped me, as opposed to throwing away the relationship entirely. Like, not expecting him to deal with/help with the transference stuff, but to sort of use him for other issues. So maybe I should just focus more on those and adjust my expectations?

[stopdog]

What is it that you are trying to accomplish with a therapist and does focusing on him help you with that?

[Amyjay]

I don't know if I can articulate my sense of this very well, but here goes.
In this interaction I am imagining a line with you on one end and T on the other. He has offered something to you and placed it somewhere along the line, but definitely not at your feet.
With MC you were able to tell him what you needed and where you wanted it placed and much of the time he was able to do that for you. This enabled you to regain and maintain balance/harmony/a sense of safety.
You have clearly told this T what you need and where you need it to be placed and he is willing to talk about this with you but wants to think about it a bit more first. He doesn't want to repeat what happened with MC because honestly that didn't move you very far across the line.
Maybe T wants to place the things near you, but not right at your feet so you have to take a few steps out onto that tightrope of life. From all you have said about T I think his hand will be there. Maybe you just have to take a few wobbly steps to grab it.
I think in general most growth takes place in that uncomfortable zone.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I don't know if I can articulate my sense of this very well, but here goes.
In this interaction I am imagining a line with you on one end and T on the other. He has offered something to you and placed it somewhere along the line, but definitely not at your feet.
With MC you were able to tell him what you needed and where you wanted it placed and much of the time he was able to do that for you. This enabled you to regain and maintain balance/harmony/a sense of safety.
You have clearly told this T what you need and where you need it to be placed and he is willing to talk about this with you but wants to think about it a bit more first. He doesn't want to repeat what happened with MC because honestly that didn't move you very far across the line.
Maybe T wants to place the things near you, but not right at your feet so you have to take a few steps out onto that tightrope of life. From all you have said about T I think his hand will be there. Maybe you just have to take a few wobbly steps to grab it.
I think in general most growth takes place in that uncomfortable zone.

This makes sense to me. I guess it's sort of like the cliche about how giving a man a fish feeds him for a day, while teaching him to fish could feed him for life. If T gives me what I need to stay where I am on the line, then I won't make any progress. But if he gives me enough to make me feel safe stepping forward a bit, then that could help teach me.

It makes me think of when ex-MC recommended that H and I do this ropes course together. Like walking on stuff suspended in the air while attached to a harness. I was OK with the idea at first, but on the very first...obstacle? I leaned back a bit too much and felt like I was going to fall, which really freaked me out. And then I really struggled with the rest of the course. The obstacle in the middle was this suspended log without anything really to hold onto (I was on the harness) and it freaked me the hell out. Like I was standing there crying, terrified (H had already gone across). But...it was also the middle of the course, so I'd have to either go back and do the first couple obstacles again or go forward. The guide came and ultimately helped me across, and I was able to finish the course. It was scary as hell, and I opted not to do the zipline we'd paid for (H also chose not to). But I made it.

So maybe this is kinda like that? Where I might be scared of falling, but I'm also attached to a harness, so I'm technically safe, despite the illusion of being unsafe. And I'm sort of in the middle, so I may as well move forward instead of backward.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What is it that you are trying to accomplish with a therapist and does focusing on him help you with that?

This is something I need to give more thought to. Focusing on him helps me feel safer and more secure, which I think I need to help me move forward. But ultimately, I guess I need to move forward on my own?


So...maybe I need to find a way to get that safety/security without making it about the T, without needing to get that from him. Because I want to feel more confident and secure in myself, without needing the outside reassurance or approval (whether from T or other people in my life). I want to be autonomous, to feel confidence in making decisions, to be able to trust myself, to assert myself and stand up for myself. Being dependent on T won't get me there.

Maybe some of this is fear of managing on my own? That it's easier to depend on someone else? Something I need to think about...

[amicus_curiae]

I’m not certain how 21st-century folks have come to embrace transference whilst allowing most Freudian psychoanalytic crap to slip away? Do therapists introduce it? Not your current shrink, who seems (rightfully) uncomfortable with the concept.

[amicus_curiae]

What is an MC?

I’ve never heard the term, after 33 years of therapy. I’ve had MDs and PhDs but the only MCs I’ve known have been Distinguished Members of the Academy.



***another engine***

[SalingerEsme]

Your T seems so very interested in working with you, but he is definitely a little judgmental. I truly think coming in with ex MC and ex T as live players had him alert to all this ahead, and vowing not to repeat any patterns(?) . If he doesn't understand attachment in adults, he might be offput that you DID transfer your focus from MC to him in a sense, (and that is what makes it a nice attachment issue, and not 10 percent creepy .

Anyone would feel judged by a vulnerability expressed about the stone, and the listener reacting by saying whoa, that is too much intimacy. You thought that was safe, and he threw up a stop sign, maybe bc he is now outside his scope of practice, and knows it more than any personal rejection.

He is definitely out to compensate for MC IMO by being rock solid , but he also likes you.

I can't wait to read this. I heard a podcast discussing this book on how the clinicians came at the problems in treating us utterly disparately depending on their training and theoretical orientation and if they keep up with scholarship in the field. The thing is, they don't even always understand one another, never mind us.

https://www.amazon.com/Conundrums-Pr...d+predicaments

I do think you are so educated on attachment theory that you might know more about it than T's not practicing that way.

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I can't wait to read this. I heard a podcast discussing this book on how the clinicians came at the problems in treating us utterly disparately depending on their training and theoretical orientation and if they keep up with scholarship in the field. The thing is, they don't even always understand one another, never mind us.

https://www.amazon.com/Conundrums-Pr...d+predicaments

I thought that book might be interesting, but the authors seem to have more experience in psychoanalysis than in psychotherapy.

Fifty-years from now, something will replace psychotherapy.

I do think you are so educated on attachment theory that you might know more about it than T's not practicing that way.

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair

Transference, though? I’m not sure that psychoanalysis is being taught as an on-going treatment these days, is it? I’m assuming that it would be taught as history but as treatment?

I would have similar feelings as this shrink, I think.

I think that you’re right — the OP is far more educated in attachment theory than the uncomfortable shrink.

[JaneTennison1]

I wonder if this is a cycle for you LT? (It is for me) Where you attach a certain way and, even though it is not helpful, it is familiar and safe. So then you try to follow a certain pattern? I know I do this, but current T has boundaries that are very solid. I don't use the word strict because she's not, she is just very clear. This is a different pattern than the one of transference that I have followed in the past and as such I have zero transference feelings after 1.5 years. It feels much safer.

That being said, I know that I wouldn't find it helpful if someone used the language he used.

I feel like with my T I have learned that getting caught up in the details is just a distraction and I am trying to focus on the bigger picture. My T does agree with "meeting me where I am" though, she is very non judgemental.

[whoknew005]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Your T seems so very interested in working with you, but he is definitely a little judgmental. I truly think coming in with ex MC and ex T as live players had him alert to all this ahead, and vowing not to repeat any patterns(?) . If he doesn't understand attachment in adults, he might be offput that you DID transfer your focus from MC to him in a sense, (and that is what makes it a nice attachment issue, and not 10 percent creepy .

Anyone would feel judged by a vulnerability expressed about the stone, and the listener reacting by saying whoa, that is too much intimacy. You thought that was safe, and he threw up a stop sign, maybe bc he is now outside his scope of practice, and knows it more than any personal rejection.

He is definitely out to compensate for MC IMO by being rock solid , but he also likes you.

I can't wait to read this. I heard a podcast discussing this book on how the clinicians came at the problems in treating us utterly disparately depending on their training and theoretical orientation and if they keep up with scholarship in the field. The thing is, they don't even always understand one another, never mind us.

https://www.amazon.com/Conundrums-Pr...d+predicaments

I do think you are so educated on attachment theory that you might know more about it than T's not practicing that way.

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair

“If he doesn't understand attachment in adults, he might be offput that you DID transfer your focus from MC to him in a sense, (and that is what makes it a nice attachment issue, and not 10 percent creepy” This is something you should tell your T so he can meet you where you are. It’s too bad you didn’t go to a psychodynamic therapist. It sounds like to me he is saying he is fine with helping you as long as there aren’t going to be romantic feelings.