[confused4ever]

So these past few months have been a battle between dealing with my past and my insecurities, and in the middle of a very bad marriage right now. I have been doing regular therapy and trauma therapy through all of it.

this past week or so, I have found myself hiding, hiding from both my T's, and my family, my extended family not my kids. Both of my T's and my siblings are worried about me, and I get that, but I asked them to just please give me some breathing room right now. I just feel like everything is crashing in around me, and I am flip flopping from marriage issues to my past issues and abuse issues.

My husband is now challenging me on everything from the kids to the house to the financials, and my lawyer and his lawyer have been trying to come to an agreement for the legal seperation, in the mean time he and I are still under one roof, and it isn't the best of situations, for me anyway, I take everything as my fault.

I talked about stopping the trauma sessions while I go through the seperations, but both my T's feel that I need to recover from past issues to deal with present issues. The trauma therapy is moving along, but it is so flippin painful and everytime I have a session the suicide part of me rears its's ugly head. Last weekend I flipped from drinking to pain meds and I don't know what part of me decided to stop or I was going to OD, but I did stop.

I just don't know what is right or wrong for me right now I guess, do I listen to my T's and continue, part of me just wants to stop the seperations proceedings right now, and deal with the marriage until I can be strong enough to stand up to my husband!

Am I making any sesne, or am I just chasing my tail around and around!!!!

[radio_flyer]

......In my opinion, I think there is a time to "back off". I've been pretty much where you are and with me, I found dealing with childhood issues, going through a divorce and having a son who was "lost" through the divorce very difficult. I had no sense of feeling "grounded" and life was a real mess.

The T's said pretty much what your T's are saying. That we have to recover from past issues to deal with present issues. But with me, they were wrong. What I needed was to get my footing so I could deal with current issues and then when feeling stronger,if needed, to go back to past issues. Maybe what I needed back then was a "life coach" and not therapy?

Seems you have a lot on your plate right now and taking care of YOU is important. Self care is soooo important, especially when going through difficult times. Just my humble opinion.....

[MissCharlotte]

((((((Confused))))))))

I am wondering the same thing myself, but who will support you as you go through all of this current trauma?

I feel like I need a break--some time off too. Could you find a situation where you felt supported somehow? Had a place to vent?
If it will just mean you are alone more, then maybe it's not the best idea right now.

[sunrise]

I think it sounds like you have too much on your plate right now. The fact that you are hiding is a major clue to that!

How can you withstand the challenge of trauma work without being strong enough? I guess I differ from your T's and think you should build yourself up to be strong enough to do trauma work. In the meantime, real life doesn't wait, so get strong, deal with the family and divorce, and then return to trauma work. However, your T's know you best...

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both my T's feel that I need to recover from past issues to deal with present issues.... My husband is now challenging me on everything from the kids to the house to the financials, and my lawyer and his lawyer have been trying to come to an agreement for the legal seperation, in the mean time he and I are still under one roof

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yeah, I hear your T's, you do need to resolve past issues. Someday. But this is a NOW crisis that doesn't wait for one to do trauma work. You can't afford to be weakened, retraumatized, driven to drink or drugs, or made suicidal by the trauma work. You need all your strength now. I am so glad you have a lawyer. Go to your regular T for support on these issues. Tell him you need his support to get through this. Work hard with lawyer to get separate residences set up so you can get some breathing space from husband. Lean hard on lawyer for help with financial settlement and custody issues.

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part of me just wants to stop the seperations proceedings right now, and deal with the marriage until I can be strong enough to stand up to my husband!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Isn't getting a separation dealing with the marriage? How can you do one and not the other? Do you mean you don't want to get a separation after all and instead work on fixing the marriage? I agree, it is important to resolve that issue if you have any doubt.

Hang in there.

[Perna]

I don't know that the marriage is helping you so I'd do the separation proceedings but see if the lawyers can have your husband move "away" so he isn't continually adding stress? Then the lawyers can haggle for awhile, assuming you can trust your interests to your lawyer? Just make it so your husband takes a break from yammering at you.

Can you go to your T's less often, like do one every other week so you're still going weekly but alternating trauma with regular therapy?

[confused4ever]

I can do every other week with the T's, I really don't want to stop my regular T, he is helping me through this, but I feel like my head is spinning, and no matter what I do it isn't what I should have done!!!

I don't want to work on the marriage, there isn't any marriage anymore, he made that clear, he isn't making any first moves himself, the only reason he got a lawyer was because I got one first. If it were up to him he would stay in the house in the situation it is now, he doesn't want to move out, or leave the kids. I guess I was trying to decide if living under these circumstances is possible while I try to get stronger, but I answered my own question tonight, and realize I cannot stay in the same house as him, I will never get my feet back on the ground.

I called my lawyer this afternoon to see what was going on and if anything has proceeded past the last conversation we had, nothing!!! His lawyer is still fighting everything. I just want him out for now, I cannot continue this!

My regular T wants me to go to the hospital for a few days, he feels I am in danger of hurting myself, if I go to the hospital it gives my husband his point with the court that right now I am not able to care for the kids, even though it is him that is causing most of this right now!!!

[(JD)]

I'm confused too. You have 2 therapists? Are they working in the same office to help you? Why 2? Are they working together to help you? I agree that even working on past issues right now can be too much, much more working with 2 therapists on issues PLUS real life stuff? Talk to the Ts and suggest THEY slow down.

You do need support in doing what you are doing. Make sure (from your lawyer, law, whatever) that you can move out and still garner half of the house and support as needed. Unless it's an abuse issue, usually the one who leaves is hurt by doing so. BUT if you need to move out, do so!

Ok, you are in the midst of a crisis and not really able to think clearly. Unless you can get a handle on your life, what plans to make and how to execute them, you do need a break, imo. If you can't take a healthy break on your own, staying safe, then hospital might be necessary. If you truly do need to go to hospital to stablize, then yeah, you might not be able to take care of your children during all this.

From your perspective, are you saying that if you can move out with the children, then you won't feel overwhelmed, and can continue to work with the lawyer in making a settlement with your spouse? If so, then do so.

Remember, all those marital and lawyer issues are not permanent; taking your life is. TC

[Perna]

See if you can't get your lawyer to work with your T (if necessary) and write something up for a judge so that his staying is detrimental to you and the children's mental health? In other words, that you're fine now and working hard to make life work, etc. but he's doing nothing but causing trouble. Have the lawyer point out that you chose a lawyer first because your husband is a pain in your and your children's mental health a#% :-) and is doing nothing to help the situation (unlike you who are working in therapy AND taking care of the children, running the household, etc. Make it look like he's trying to force you into hospitalization so he will have the upper hand. I would think that would make any judge a bit angry at him

[sunrise]

confused, I'm really worried you will do something that will cause you to lose custody of your kids. Of course, your health is most important, so if you are going to harm yourself, then definitely go to the hospital. But if you can hold it together, do not go to the hospital as this will affect your ability to retain even shared custody of the kids. Your H and his lawyer will use this against you.

I am upset at your therapists because it sounds like they are not being supportive and instead are forcing you to do trauma work and are thus destabilizing you. Tell them you cannot do this right now! How would your T's feel if their constant pressure on you pushed you over the edge and made you lose custody (or harm yourself)? Wow, not too helpful, right?

If possible, can you do these things?

1) Lean on lawyer to get husband out of house. Tell him that husband is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and you need him out. He can file some kind of restraining order with the court, if the other lawyer is uncooperative. Do not move out of your house! Of course, as sky said, if you need to move out for your safety, then do so. (But if you do leave, make sure you take the kids.)

2) Make sure your H knows that you want to share custody of the kids. Then maybe he won't be so difficult. You are not trying to take the kids away from him. As soon as H is settled in his own apartment/house, the kids can spend part of their time with him. It is really important to reassure him on this so he doesn't go on the offensive so much with his lawyer. Going into hospital would label you not only as an unfit parent but could be construed as abandonment and will make it much harder for you to retain custody.

3) Now is the time in your life you really need to pull it together. No drugs. No alcohol. No self harm. Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids. Get support from your T!!! See him more than once a week if need be for SUPPORT only. No delving into the past into traumatic material that will add to your stress and destabilize you.

confused... i am so sorry. i want you to know something.. you inspire me. It's true. i'm going thru some very difficult things around my failing marriage too.. and your courage is so shiningly obvious.

in all this %#@&#! you are mired in you still think of your kids first... you still keep going. i wish i could let you hide for even a day or two.. let you just catch your breath.. maybe you could see that you've got so much more strength than i think you can see now.

can you ask your T to just be in a supportive role only for a few sessions? Be blunt that you need *nothing* from him but kind words right now. His good intentions have added to your load maybe.

all of this.. all of this mess... it's all a small blip on your life... there will be a time when THIS is the past... this turmoil will not last forever.

today i hope you can just shut out every voice except the voice of the good you.. the one that still sometimes sings along with a song on the radio... the one that quietly holds the candle so you can see in the darkness. Shut everyone else out, the good, the bad, the T's, the lawyers... all of us. Just for a bit. Buy yourself a favourite food, sit somewhere you normally enjoy... and just breath in the small pleasures in those things.

[confused4ever]

I have two T's, my regular T which I have been working with for 2 years, and my trauma t which I have been working with for about 2 months, she goes slow, but it doesn't matter, trauma work is hard and brings up way to much right now for me. I told her this and my T also, but they are both in agreement that my past is also running my present, which I don't disagree with, because I cannot stand up to my h he verbally and emotionally abuses me and I know it is wrong and I still let him!!!!! But everytime I have my truama session for days afterwards, the pain is unberarable and I fight off the self harm thoughts. So I need to slow down or stop or something.....I don't even know,

I can't move out myself, I only work part time and don't have the money to get a place, and if I leave without the kids I damage my ability to get shared custody, it looks like abandonment, if I go into the hospital he will use that against me, and my lawyer said that he would use that 100% to show I am unfit. My T did say he would testify or see my lawyer or anything that needs to be done, to let them know what my h has been doing over the past few years including his affair.

Staying means dealing with him, he won't leave, he was going to, then changed his mind and told me if I wanted the seperation then I should be the one to leave, and the kids are not going!! I have never told him he wouldn't get joint custody of the kids, ever, he knows that I wouldn't use the kids as a tool to battle with.

I cannot stay in the same place as him, he is taking everything and twisiting it, I feel like I don't even know how to think for myself anymore, everytime I come up with a solution or a decision he askes me who I have been talking to, because I couldn't of made that decision on my own. then I think he is right that my depression is clouding my judgement, and I believe him.

I need my regular T, I need him to stabalize me through this, I just need the pain to go away!!

[sunrise]

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confused4ever said:
I need my regular T, I need him to stabalize me through this, I just need the pain to go away!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Absolutely, please tell him this so you can get the support you need.

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Staying means dealing with him, he won't leave, he was going to, then changed his mind and told me if I wanted the seperation then I should be the one to leave, and the kids are not going!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I see what you mean about how he twists things. Because as I recall, he is the one who originally wanted to end the marriage and you did not. And you worked with your T on accepting the marriage is over. Now he twists it and says you wanted the separation and he did not. He's a real piece of work. You know the truth. Don't listen to him. He had the affair, he wanted the marriage to end, so he has to leave. That's how it works. And especially since you only work part time, you cannot go out on your own and get a new place to live. He needs to do that as he is more financially able. I recommend having your lawyer file a document with the court to get him out of the house due to his verbal and emotional abuse. It seems like he won't leave any other way. Your lawyer can file another document with the court to get you temporary financial support from your H until you reach a settlement. You don't need to wait for an official legal separation to get support if you file this temporary order. Then you can take a little time with the settlement and do it right.

I have to echo what Jello wrote. You are so very, very strong and have put up with so much. You are inspiring.

[confused4ever]

I do not feel strong, I wish I was as everyone says, but I am not, a coward is more of the word or I wouldn't be where I am today!

I did call my lawyer today, first thing I asked was if I could take the kids and move out, my gf offered us to stay with her, she has basement done over not in use right now, I would take it. But my lawyer said no way!! If I take the kids and go, he could get me for kidnapping......if I just leave he could get me for abandonment later on and I could lose shared custody, he has me doesn't he??? So I asked about the court order to get him out because of the emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and he said we can go that route, also the financial support, but it is going to get ugly in court!!! He just wants me aware of where it is going to lead........is there ever a easy solution?????? Just a break, one freakin break!!

I didn't talk to T today, he did email and wanted to know what was going on and if I was ok, and needed anything........I didn't have the energy after chasing the lawyer today to go there with T. Tomorrow I will call him and ask for a appt!!

[sunrise]

confused, I think I've been a little too easy with dispensing my free "legal advice", and I apologize. What your lawyer says is absolutely true. It could get really ugly if you file those documents with the court. Maybe it is good for you to know there is a way to get your H out of the house if you have exhausted all other options. But your lawyer is right to warn you of the ugliness of acrimonious litigation. He sounds like he is hoping those court orders won't be necessary. Maybe he thinks he'll make some headway with your H's lawyer? Does he share with you what he hopes will happen?

Your lawyer is giving you good legal advice when he tells you the consequences of your moving out of the house (with or without the kids). I am glad he is protecting you in this way and making sure you don't take any sudden action without knowing the negative consequences.

I hope you can see your T soon.

[(JD)]

(((confused))) Please contact your local women in distress shelter/hotline... even if you don't leave him, they will advise you on your options and the resources available, and what to do for now, and how to be ready in case of an emergency...

AND impo if you are having that type of response to your trauma sessions (after session) then you are still going too fast. Maybe you could only work on trauma the first 15 minutes of session and then work on stablizing and all those feelings that you are left with dealing with at home, the other minutes of session??? Work it out with your T, as it doesn't matter how slowly she is going, it is still going too fast for you??? imo